Mousse's journal

[Mousse]

April roundup -

Expense categories this month: for the regular bills, health insurance, heating, Internet, giving, phone. For the rest, groceries, tech services (€5 for one month of VPN), foreign language reading material, bank fees, travel to events, and asking my LBS for help when a gear cable jumped and frayed (€18).

It looks like the medical prepayment will be taken out in May after all, so April turned out quite low expenses-wise (<€600), despite being filled with a bunch of fun events.

I got the VPN because of travelling and dodgy wifi access but in the end I don't think it was necessary. I ended up using my phone as an access point when I needed to because it was more stable, and not even using it all that much because I was too tired/unfocused to do what I'd hoped to do on the go.

I'm still not sure what happened with the gear cable but it seems like it slipped and the gearbox started eating at it while pedalling. I can deal with punctures and changing tires and tubes, and I'm starting to learn a bit about brakes, but the gear cabling felt intimidating. I also wanted to ask how the hell did that happen (answer: it shouldn't) and ask a couple of other questions e.g. my front tire looks cracked, is it time to change it? (answer: I wouldn't just yet, you can make it worse ). I'm glad I went because I was trusting the bike less after that happened. Now I paid closer attention to what things should look like when they're right (I didn't even know what that cable was at first), and maybe I can look at a bunch of videos to figure out how to sort things like that out by myself in the future.

That was my first transport expense of the year! Cheating a bit since I refilled my travel card in December. Looks like I did €8 worth of public transport trips since leaving full-time employment otherwise, usually walking at least one way. Everything else was cycling or walking.

Meals came at around €1.09/person in April. I'm still in my teriyaki sauce era

My hermit intention from a couple of posts ago already mollified. I contacted a number of friends who live in Spain after the outage (overall they were fine through it, thankfully). I just need to find the right balance between keeping in touch and forcing things. Quiet down the voice that screams "you must be proactive!" and stop fighting it back with "well then I won't talk to anyone at all for a while" when it doesn't work out. Relationships come and go through life and that's okay.

[ertyu]

I'd be curious about what the experience of your Spanish friends through the outage reveals about resilience. What strategies were useful during that time? How did they cope? What did they wish they'd done? Did they change anything going forward? I don't know anyone that went through it but it's a very interesting experience I think.

[Mousse]

In the end it was mostly quick check-ins to confirm they and their loved ones were okay! You probably saw but there's now a more practical conversation about this all in Chenda's journal.

My friends are generally chill so they mostly enjoyed the sun and talked to their neighbours, or went to check on elderly family members who thankfully live within walking distance. One had a friend stuck in an elevator which sounds nightmarish. The firefighters couldn't be called until later. Beside taking the stairs if possible, not sure there was a lesson except mentally trying to imagine how I would fare. It does sound like WhatsApp kept working for a while before everything went dark. Maybe the mobile network towers had backup generators, at least for a bit?

[Mousse]

Random joyful moments from last month -

- I'd forgotten how nice it is to cycle in a t-shirt (the cooler temperatures mentioned before feel like nice AC, but wearing fewer layers is lovely too!)

- I discovered small woods not too far from where I live, maybe 3km away. The entrance is not obvious, and treacherous in winter and after bad weather. While on a morning walk inhaling spring, I bumped into an elderly gentleman and his elderly dog, and he ended up taking me on a tour through paths I hadn't explored yet while sharing copious amount of recent and past history, especially for the ruins in there (this used to be private land for some lord or other)

- A friend came to stay over for a week, and we didn't break the bank for it. I mostly cooked but didn't feel like a prisoner of the kitchen, she was very up for a picnic at a park near a lake in another town rather than eating out. She even said she'd like to try riding a bike there next time (what I usually do) because the only downside of the trip was the buses, excruciatingly loud after the paradise of quietness and pockets of nature I'd invited her to!

- Cool-to-me cycling milestone: after spending a couple of weeks around people, I was yearning to go on a long ride again. I decided to go to BigTown to trade secondhand books (yay decluttering) in exchange for store credit, so I could get a book I had my eye on without spending money. I cycled 14km there, ran my errand in 20 minutes, and hopped back onto the bike to head back home. The first time I cycled there 3 months ago, I wasn't even sure if I'd have the stamina to cycle back home at all later in the day, and now I'm cycling nearly 30km without a blink. Proud and happy about this.

- On a particularly lovely day, I decided to combine cycling, walking and writing by cycling to a library by a lake and forest. Lovely picnic and tea from my flask by the water during breaks.

- I mentioned a small fix in the DIY thread, nothing much but I learnt new things, and built some more confidence in understanding how things work. I enjoy that.

- Cycling to a neighbouring town to meet a friend and spotting hares relaxing in the sun on the side of the road.

None of this cost anything beyond the meals I prepared for myself, and the bus when I wasn't travelling on my own. I enjoy this pace.

Somewhat negative -

My family and their friends make the world feel smaller. If I mention I'm walking or cycling somewhere, they only tell me to stop because Murderers and/or Kidnappers. Obviously, I'm not going to stop any of what I'm doing, I enjoy it better (and I'm not stupid if I see something or someone that seems unsafe). I'll just talk to them less about it, I suppose.

I had a few weird days of weakness I couldn't explain and temporarily had to cut back on everything outdoor. I was tired, but it didn't feel like lack-of-sleep exhaustion. More like the way I feel if I've been sick and haven't eaten for a few days, when I'm starting to recover but am still weak from the lack of food. Except I was eating a ton. I tried to switch up my meals a bit but in the end, just splurged on a chunky multi-vitamins supplement, and I'm starting to feel better.

I'd like an income that covers my living expenses. I signed up for casual pet sitting, and helping a shop with their food market stall on an as-needed basis during the summer. This all sounds fun, especially when ad-hoc. I still feel incredibly burnt out and don't want to step back into a corporate environment again yet. Ever, if I figure out a sustainable to cover my expenses. Speaking of which…

Financial stuff -

My 12-month trailing expenses are under €12k. I'm still hoping to get under 10k, but I don't think it'll happen for another year now. My health insurance will renew this month and I will likely pay annually (there's no discount for doing that, but I guess I'm used to understanding my monthly expenses without it so I wouldn't mind yanking it out of the monthly stuff). Still considering.

As I expected/feared, insurance got more expensive while covering less. I'm trying to figure out a good plan that focuses more on my actual needs, but they're expensive. It'll likely come to €2k (yearly, still expensive for here). Even before getting a lodger, I used to earn around €2k a year from hosting temp workers or students for a single term. This kind of evens out the health insurance, so I'll tell myself the guest room covers that, so I "just" need to figure out how to cover the entirety of my living expenses

Expenses this month remained at 3 digits, juuust about. 60% is health-related due to the prepayment I mentioned last month. Regular bills were health insurance, Internet, Giving, Phone.

Irregular expenses that wouldn't fit in a Buy Nothing Year:

• My travel card automatically refilled after the bus trips with the friend.
• Ate out once with the friend at the place she'd wanted to check out the last time she came over (we actually both got sick afterwards… but even if we consider the meal to cover 4 meals for the 2 days we were too sick to eat, it still comes out more expensive than home cooking!)
• Bought some online conversation lessons in a foreign language so I don't lose the ability to speak
• Bought an early bird ticket for a local con. I want to fly less and make the effort to attend local events more often instead, even if they're smaller than the big European ones I used to go to. It's 40km away… I'm definitely going to try to cycle there a couple of times over the summer to see what safe paths I can find, but I'm not sure I'll do it for the actual event. That's nearly a 3h cycle for me, and in winter it'll be mostly/entirely in the dark in probably shit weather… We'll see.
• Bought a pack of 5 cheap notebooks for journalling. I'm going through them in 3-4 months at the moment, when they used to last me 3-4 years!

Groceries did more or less add up to €25/week, plus a bit for the guests. Cost per meal a bit higher at €1.31. I expected the difference to be higher. When I'm just feeding myself, I often get stuff from the "reduced to clear" shelf which can be hit or miss in terms of tastiness, but I wanted to make sure my friends had a good time so bought fresher, more expensive ingredients. Also I was hungrier while I felt unwell.

[Mousse]

Cycling -

Still picking out green areas on the map and going to explore them. After visiting a "disappointing" park (not that disappointing, just no amenities like benches or even an old wall to sit on so I could enjoy my tea), I decided to cycle back to another park I already knew, with an ancient graveyard in it. "Connecting" the parks that way and thus exploring more new-to-me areas near where I live turned into its own fun. Really enjoying that.

On a couple of occasions, when attending local events, I ended up chatting with people who were delighted when I knew their neighbourhood and could talk about the landmarks there.

I love cycling.

I also cycled my new max, 65km! Most of the route was safe from traffic, an old railway track half-converted into a greenway. I didn't realise the "half-converted" bit when I started, the long sections of grass and mud were a surprise! Very shaky on my bike. But I managed to cycle all the way to a friend's city. Only scouting this time. I'll need to bring a change of clothes if I actually want to hang out

It used to be that for a few days after a long cycle, I would be forced to remember I made an effort because my legs felt like lifting two barrels whenever I climbed the stairs. Now the legs are usually fine. This time it was my neck and shoulders that hurt for a couple of days. Not sure if I was too tense, especially while shaking on uneven ground.

Also getting more comfortable with the wind in general… it's annoying but okay on medium rides because well, that's just the resistance you'll have to deal with the whole time and so you get used to it. On shorter rides (<6km), I still get annoyed though

A day in the life -

Enjoying life. I don't have WOAH experiences every day, but I don't really have bad days (knocking on wood). I feel invested in protecting it. I still wake up naturally early and 5am-9am is my favourite time of the day, it flows very well with a mix of activities I enjoy and no interruptions. Happiest time. 9-12 is usually fine, too. Afternoons tend to be not great, unless it combines with morning (e.g. a long cycle, or time with a friend with a picnic in the middle). I've tried all sorts of things like going on walks, or "forcing" myself to do stuff but I'm just lethargic and with no willpower or interest in much. Even the things I love feel like effort.

I'm pretty sure nutrition is at least partially responsible. Experimenting with food, currently doing more stuff with legumes.

I possibly need to stop trying to do everything every day, too. Because I "have time" I tend to try to fit in walking and cycling and journaling and reading and studying and writing and so on, and for most of these activities "more" makes it nicer or more effective, but there's something unreasonable about trying to do it all, all of the time. Might be part of the afternoon slump too, body/mind wanting a break.

Evening is relaxing and winding down time, and usually nice.

Work -

Having said all that, I struggle with a lot of internalised shame around not working, and judgement from myself and from others. Some folks, including some who wholeheartedly supported me leaving before the burnout got even worse, constantly ask me when I'll find a job or get back to school. Meeting new people can be awkward, including someone who started the conversation complaining how "people are so lazy nowadays, they just don't want to work" before asking me what I do "I was sitting at a desk in an office but it was too hard for me… " I also get blindsided by random "what do you do?" when I don't expect it, like when a nurse is drawing blood or whatever. I think it would be fine if my replies weren't dripping with the poison in my mind about "those who are physically able should work" and shame at not doing so right now. Even if I have years of leeway, savings-wise. The "your value as a person = the money you earn" way of thinking seeps into my brain every time I stop looking. I don't rationally believe it, but apparently it exists somewhere in my heart when it's about myself. Like a little leech.

I think if I had enough money to cover my expenses "forever" the shame might go, but actually I'm not totally sure. I mentioned before doubting I'd be happy living 100% on investments.

Just when I was readying myself to apply to a couple of retail jobs, hoping they would allow only one or two shifts a week, a part-time job popped up in my alerts for local jobs that nearly seemed too good to be true. Helping with office admin (I love doing paperwork and keeping things organised), fixed hours right during my dead hours in the afternoon (if I'm not going to use that time satisfactorily anyway, might always earn money during it?), a 15 minutes bike ride away (I've never not needed public transport to a place of employment). Slightly above minimum wage so it could cover my yearly expenses. I spent ages reworking my CV to highlight the relevant experience, thankfully managed to get an interview. Sadly, no happy ending as I didn't get the role, but it was great to shift my mindset.

First, this kind of jobs actually exist. Second, I can get interviews even when my CV isn't exactly a fit. Third, I am so eager to leave my previous industry behind, I didn't realise how much until it looked like I would be able to properly close that door and look toward something else. Fourth, having paid employment that doesn't take over your life sounds great, and also makes me hesitant to try working for myself as that would be the opposite. Fifth, this was a for a manufacturing operation for a small yet ubiquitous part of daily life that I never had given much thought to until then, and it is so cool to see people passionate about their very specific thing! I learnt new things, even if it didn’t work out.

I suspect I didn't manage to convince them during the interview that I would actually stay. I expected direct questions about the career change and missed the more subtle way they (probably) asked about it (only realised later). I'm also used to interviews where you have to pretend that the company will be your entire life and joy, and I'm a bad liar so I side-stepped the truth and didn't openly admit that I'd like to have a life beside work. But I think it would have been better to be upfront about it. I'd say, "minimum wage jobs know that their workers will have other passions" but actually I did see literal "your life is fashion/doughnuts/coffee/etc" on some of the retail jobs passing by, so not every company acts like it.

I fishboned a bunch of potential jobs and it made it clearer what I'd like to look for (knowing more local people, can be cycled to, part-time, both staff and customers well looked after...). I don't know if this particular job was a fluke, but I'll keep an eye out. I have plenty of time. Having a clearer idea of the options out there calmed down the anxiety/shame spiral.

For now, I'm organising more activities that I couldn't have done had I gotten the job (like 65km cycles on weekdays when the weather is good!), and enjoying summer

People -

Since I'm free during weekdays, I occasionally volunteer for stuff. (Once-offs, I don't want to commit to a schedule for anything.) I meet interesting people. It's usually retirees and students, and I'm the strange in-between thing.

While I'm not trying to divide people into categories, while talking about these activities with friends and family, more and more I find that there are two kinds of people out there. The ones who go "wow, that's cool"/"show me the pics!" and the ones that go "what for?" when I talk about the random things I do.

I'm not saying, "there are the people who are blowing smoke up my ass, and the people who suck." To me, there are the people who are curious and open to things being a little bit different, and the people who stick to the societal script. And I'm finding the latter more difficult to talk with at the moment, when I don't have a good narrative to share for who I am or what I'm doing. Yes, it's volunteering so it's unpaid, no, I'm not doing it because I want a new career in it. I need more open-mindedness while I explore things. Also sometimes it's fine to do things just because they sound cool. Even if you're currently unemployed

Otherwise, the weather's been nice and friends have been happy to meet in parks, which has been really nice, and cheap for me. And now I know parks they haven't seen yet! I can make suggestions and play tour guide. I cycle everywhere within 15-20km.

Reading, focus -

I read 35 books so far this year, which is more than I've read in an entire year for a very, very long time. For fiction, I also recovered the ability to go "oh, this is good" and spend half a day losing myself in a book to finish it in one sitting. Bliss.

I'm enjoying peace and focused time a lot. I started regularly turning data off on my phone during the day, especially when I'm reading. The phone is still on so it relieves the pressure of "if there is an emergency, they'll call" but there are no notifications splitting my attention.

On the forum, I reread the Yields and Flow thread. I like it. It's like a gentle tug back to remind me that I'm hyperfocusing on the 2 or 3 trees in front of me, when there's a whole forest out there.

I also re-read the WL5 -> WL6 thread. This post is particularly good. WoGs seem more level 7. Drawing a bunch of fishbones is helping me look at things more clearly. I'm enjoying the thinking, and levelling up small skills where I can (like cooking, and cleaning, and DIY cleaning products, and enjoying the sense of self-sufficiency I get from improving at these things).

[Stasher]

Great update, it really seems like you are in a good mental space and I hope this continues for you.

[Violets]

My family and their friends make the world feel smaller. If I mention I'm walking or cycling somewhere, they only tell me to stop because Murderers and/or Kidnappers. Obviously, I'm not going to stop any of what I'm doing, I enjoy it better (and I'm not stupid if I see something or someone that seems unsafe). I'll just talk to them less about it, I suppose.

I'm assuming you are probably a woman if your family thinks like that. I've travelled a lot solo and done/been in a lot of sketchy sketchy situations and always been fine---The place where, and it does happen, all that, I experienced brutal rape was while living in a compound with a bunch of cops. Haha. XD Which is always amusing to me, because most people that think it terms of the world being threatening for women alone, biking, hiking, camping and so on are usually people who also assume that living in a neighborhood where all your neighbors are police is 'safe'. The world has it's whims. Bad things do happen, but trying to play it safe is not at all a guarantee of safety. If you read MMM, these sorts of comments always make me think of the whole 'low information diet' dealio..

Do be careful tho'. Do you carry pepper spray or any other way to feasibly defend yourself? I carry a tiny box cutter.

If you aren't a woman, then I suppose the same thoughts apply and I apologize for assuming. XD

[Mousse]

Thanks a lot @Stasher! There can be ups and downs, but having the time and space to dig into the downs and crack them open is helping a lot. Also, remembering to make the most of that gift of time my past self offered me!

Your assumption is spot-on @Violets Sorry about what happened to you. I try not to be stupid about things, though you can only do so much in the end. I wonder how much is about what we're all used to... I've been walking and hiking and cycling in the countryside from the moment I could do all of these things, first with parents then on my own, so they feel like activities just as safe as walking down to the shop in the "safe neighbourhood." On the other hand, we never really went camping and I don't think I could do it on my own. When going on my 65km loop the other day, there was a place where the trail gets larger and there were a couple of tents on the side. It's at a section near an artificial lake with swans and ducks and other water birds I didn't recognise, surrounded mostly by wheat fields and few/no artificial lights, it's gotta be splendid at night... But I don't think I'd dare to do that on my own. Maybe if I had built up the habit (or if I find friends willing to go with me and do build it up later!) it would feel like a valid option.

[Mousse]

I opened my window to a gigantic and very clear rainbow this morning. Complete arc. Stunning. My lodger leaves for work just after dawn but was still here so I barrelled down the stairs to ask if she'd seen it. Before I even finished opening the door, she was already pointing out the rainbow to me, just as excited as I was.

It reminded me of an old conversation, when I was younger. I'd just moved to an excessively rainy area, where it's common to (fairly!) complain about the weather. I wasn't particularly looking for a silver lining, but I did bring up the rainbows because I had never seen so many before. Nearly every day, sometimes more than once. My conversation partner, who'd lived there for decades, commented somewhat wryly that "at some point, you stop seeing the rainbows." I left that area a long time ago, but the conversation's stayed with me.

June numbers -

I spent under €650 in June. It feels even smaller because €150 was health insurance, and another €150 for a yearly housing-related bill. Regular bills were the same: heating (standing charges), Internet, giving, phone.

Other regular stuff: Groceries, cat stuff, a domain renewal. Bank fees.

Stuff that wouldn't fit a no-buy year:

- A grout reviver pen, that I thought would contain bleach but doesn't. I've successfully used all sort of DIY solutions to clean dirty grout on bathroom tiles over the last few weeks (most successfully, when using an old toothbrush with dishwashing soap) but some of the darkest sections aren't getting better. Without bleach though, it feels like covering things up rather than cleaning them so I'm not sure I like what the pen is doing. It is supposed to also protect against future mould, I suppose…

- A cheap wire/wiggly bike lock because my previous one self-destructed really inconveniently (leaving the bike locked with no way to open it!). I decided to go cheap so maybe I can save myself with a bolt cutter if it happens again. When I leave the bike unattended for a long time, I also use a second solid lock. This one is used more often to discourage opportunistic would-be bike stealers, when I'm running a quick errand.

- A couple of books, a craft book I want to take my time with and a foreign language book.

I met a couple of friends as well. One was delighted to meet in a park she hadn't been to in ages and I brought cake for the two of us and tea, while she got coffee from the shop there. For the other, it cost me some travel credit to go there by coach, then we spent time hiking in the mountains near where she lives and I slept over. Awesome time. So quiet. Very cheap way to hang out, too. Loved it!

Trailing 12-month expenses are under €11,500.

At the end of June, I'd spent nearly exactly €5k so far in the year, which is very encouraging. The health insurance renewal was incredibly frustrating (turns out switching plan, even staying with the same provider, resets all the waiting times for pre-existing conditions… Guess I'll try not to get a flare-up in the next few years )

At the same time, I'm aware how fragile this kind of budget is. Like, it's very lean (for me and where I live, at least). Just some kids deciding to throw a brick through my window or whatever would easily explode the budget, percentage-wise.

But also, the stomach-twisting fear I always held while working about running out of money is just not there, despite not having any employment income and not having enough investments to last "forever." I keep poking inside myself and asking, "remember how afraid you were?" and I can't find it. It could be because my "net worth"/savings have actually stayed mostly stable so far this year, due to various circumstances: payout for yearly savings accounts, later payout for vacation days I didn't take, the stipend. I guess I'll probably get some tax back later in the year, too… The visceral fear might return when I witness my (financial) resources dwindling.

So far, it's not there.

Sometimes I worry about "purpose" and the like, and whether I'm wasting my time enjoying so many basic and simple things rather than doing something... "meaningful," I guess? Striving toward "something"? Like people in work supposedly do? But then I wonder why going back to an office and feeling miserable is supposedly better or more virtuous. Mostly it would mean going back to being too tired, too stressed, and too busy to think about any of this. Not actually having an answer for it.