Frita’s Lost and Found

[Frita]

Yeah, good luck with that [joint decision-making] partnered with any man of our generational dating range.

Thanks for the reality check. While I am sure exceptions exist, searching for them would be a less than skillful pursuit. My spouse’s public persona (more on that later) is collaborative, which means squat at best and was one of the things I thought would make us a good long-term match.

IOW, solo polyamory allows for whatever size "room of one's own" you prefer, while still accepting one's partners realms of dominance…Therefore, one of the means my which practitioners of polyamory inhabit the emotional space of compersion (opposite of jealousy) is by recognizing the contributions your partners other partners are making towards your ability to have your freedom while maintaining long-term relationships on some continuing and/or renewable basis.

Interesting, I could see how this could work but not with my spouse. It seems like a higher degree of emotional maturity and health from ALL participants for this to be workable.

Oddly, this is true even if/when your partners other partners insist on contract of monogamy, because the eventuality of break-up exists, and polyamorous practice is inherently more resilient than brittle-breaking serial monogamous practice.

And, at least in your case, it left renegotiation and rekindling of your involvement with “husband” #2 open.

End of 2024 update:
The saying “Progress, not perfection” applies though its goal-driven nature rubs me the wrong way.
VOLUNTEERING/PAID WORK: I am continuing to volunteer at the food equity place that focuses on fresh, local food. While there is the mandatory public service crowd, there are few middle- to older-age folks and zero younger resume padders. Money is a solved problem. While I have had meaningful work in the past, the available options seem about as appealing as eating canned cat food. Perhaps if I could be distracted with BS but I don’t care to work on that skill.
MARRIAGE/DIVORCE/SPOUSE: I continue to accept that choosing to stay for now is safer for me (and a middle solution that is uncomfortable for people), that is a valid option, and I can change my mind if/when circumstances shift. My most recent insight is that being married is part of my spouse’s false persona. He seems to like his job, has joined the gym, yet seems more anxious and depressed than ever. The marriage is a mirage, with me on some decades-long scavenger hunt to distract from that reality, so there’s nothing to restore.
FAMILY/SON: Over the holiday, my spouse temporarily acted more pro-social to be included (and get me to go to his work holiday party?) and is now turtling big time. I figured it was BS and curious how long it would last. In the future, I don’t think I would bother. My son continues to do well and is the best thing that resulted from my marriage. The holidays can be challenging for some people, and I have not made their problems mine.
SELF-CARE Reporting statistics doesn’t do much for me. I like to think of ranges.
Sleep: on track
Exercise: on track I want to add more cardio and strength training but cannot put a lot of pressure on my bones or knees. I have been noodling rucking as a shift in my walking/hiking.
Food: could be better Over the holidays, I ate more treats but my weight remained stable. I discovered that sugar really affects me in relatively small quantities (like a 2” diameter cookie or a fun-sized candy bar). There is this rush and desire to eat more. It is similar to having a drink.
Hydration: on track I still have this automatic thought that I should have a coffee
Health: could be better I am becoming more aware of the osteoarthritis in my knees.
Social: This month I actually had more opportunities than I cared to do. When I was younger, I would have done them all instead of being selective. There was drama, which I either avoided or from which I removed myself when I recognized it. The later was mildly to moderately stressful in spurts until I recalibrated.
Mediation: on track
DECLUTTERING could be better I have sourced some other ways to declutter at will. Instead of my habit of saving them up, I want have a quicker elimination turnaround.
FINANCES: My credit score is in the excellent range now. How can I use the freedom of my spouse working to come and go on adventures?
UP NEXT: I am framing a lot of this as disclosed quiet quitting. It is giving me the space to slowing integrate some awareness.

[7Wannabe5]

Thanks for the reality check. While I am sure exceptions exist, searching for them would be a less than skillful pursuit.

Oh, I was having a bit of a grouchy moment with that statement. Weird things going on this year are that I am hanging out with my second "husband" after around 10 year break, my second sister has remarried her first/only husband after around 12 year break, my baby sister separated from her first husband of around 10 years, and my third sister is still hanging solid with her 30-plus year marriage plus an extremely active long-term girl-stuff social circle. So, lots of sister-talk on the topic of relationships over the holidays, leading to my somewhat grouchy overview statement of all of our major relationship dealings with men in the current age range of 49 Mid-GenX to 82 Late Silent Generation. My longtime married esXj Cool Jock towards Oprah-like-Social-Skill third sister, who literally is off on a girl's gang weekend in Mexico or similar everytime I talk with her, told Rational me and Rational baby sister that she and all her girlfriends would be divorced if they thought about it as much as we do. She said she just tells herself "My story is his story is our story." and goes with the emotional flow that comes to her when she thinks like that. However, I would once again emphasize that she is on a beach somewhere getting drunk and having fun with her girl gang which resembles her high school girl's soccer team pretty much every other month. Also, she revealed that her husband pays all of their actual bills and she just covers groceries and her own flexible expenses, so basically she is a Sugar Baby even though she pulls down around 6 figures herself! IOW, I am quite sure that her pretty damn macho second generation immigrant former Chicago teen gang member husband is more in "significantly honoring preferences" mode than "joint decision making" mode with her. I remember on her birthday just before they became engaged, he bought her an entire co-ordinated outfit that was all the right sizes. Who does that?

Anyways, I did a bit of research and located an extremely tiny dating site for humans who believe themselves to be towards Tier 2 Integral Functioning, and my reaction was mostly towards, "meh" and noted virtually zero reduction in predominance of "masculine gaze" and actually less room/respect for "feminine gaze" than can be found in any given episode of "Sex and the City." Kind of like, we men will now refer to that which we want as "radiant glow" rather than "hawt t&a" and in exchange for this great concession, you women will decide that it turns you on so much that we are now enough in touch with our feminine sides to adopt hobbies such as felting, engage in yoga rather than boxing, and dress ourselves in asymmetric flowing tunic tops over softer abdominal center, you will surely choose to commit to egalitarian trancendent sexual relationship with us. IOW, too much of that massage-guy-who-thinks-he-knows-what-I-like vibe that I actually don't like combined with only superficial reduction of masculine privilege combined with that rip-off "free love" con Level Green men with verbal skills are always trying to pull. However, the fact that it was men our age and up running the site might still leave possibility of hope for the younger ones in place.

It seems like a higher degree of emotional maturity and health from ALL participants for this to be workable.

Absolutely, and this is why it so often does not work. Also, there is the problem of all the idiot men who just want threesomes describing themselves as polyamorous. Also, it is kind of difficult to differentiate between Solo Polyamory and just being somebody who is easy-going and open-minded and prefers to remain single. I think the overt statement of intent/ethics is the primary difference.

And, at least in your case, it left renegotiation and rekindling of your involvement with “husband” #2 open.

Yes, this is somewhat true also, but I was actually thinking of the ease with which I have maintained my friendship with just a residual of sexual overtones with the last man/poly-partner with whom I shared domicile for several years AKA The Cowboy. Since we broke up domestic aspect of our relationship, he has had two different relationships with GFs who insisted on monogamy, one of whom also lived with him, but he has continually kept in at least message me a couple times/week touch with me, and has made himself available to help me move boxes or install air conditioner and similar, and he would sometimes stop by on his way from up north to his home and bring me the kind of maple walnut doughnut I love or an electric blanket because my garret apartment was chilly, etc.

My ex-"husband" #2 is more complicated situation, because he practices polygyny in alignment with his religion, but in a sort of politically liberal, not very strict, high-sex-and-romance-drive fashion. He would love to live in a world in which he had 5 wives who all lived with him in his house and talked, cuddled, dined, and had sex with him all day long. When I was "married" to him, I was the one who insisted on contract of monogamy, which he agreed and adhered to, but our contract didn't in any way change his clear preference for all the female lovin' he can possibly attract, keep sexually satisfied* and financially support. He can also be a bit sneaky, but I know that the reason he gave me a check for $500 as a Christmas present (holiday he does not celebrate except for fun) is that it is a rule of his religion that he must financially support all of his sexual partners, so he felt compelled to make token gesture.

*He would probably fall upon one of his many swords if not able to sexually satisfy his partner(s.) That's definitely one reason he was a good partner for me after suffering years of sexual neglect (obviously ultimately self-imposed because I always had the option to divorce) in my first marriage. Highly unlikely that I would agree to live with him again, but we might go on a trip in his new camper.

[Frita]

…hanging out with my second "husband" after around 10 year break, my second sister has remarried her first/only husband after around 12 year break, my baby sister separated from her first husband of around 10 years, and my third sister is still hanging solid with her 30-plus year marriage plus an extremely active long-term girl-stuff social circle. So, lots of sister-talk on the topic of relationships over the holidays, leading to my somewhat grouchy overview statement of all of our major relationship dealings with men in the current age range of 49 Mid-GenX to 82 Late Silent Generation.

Ha, nothing like historical connections, it sounds rather stressful. From my friendly-acquaintance level mostly women’s group, that oddly enough includes one cis-gender married IsFp male, many women are divorced by middle-age. There’s minimal ex-husband bashing, more enjoyment of no longer being married. Some of my former mom friends based on kids are also getting divorced but doing these “girls trips” to all-inclusives and gambling venues. I am relieved to no longer be invited. While it could be a distracting escape, that’s not how I integrate that teen energy into my life and I don’t want to spend my time with people stuck there.

Anyways, I did a bit of research and located an extremely tiny dating site for humans who believe themselves to be towards Tier 2 Integral Functioning, and my reaction was mostly towards, "meh" and noted virtually zero reduction in predominance of "masculine gaze" and actually less room/respect for "feminine gaze" …IOW, too much of that massage-guy-who-thinks-he-knows-what-I-like vibe that I actually don't like combined with only superficial reduction of masculine privilege combined with that rip-off "free love" con Level Green men with verbal skills are always trying to pull. However, the fact that it was men our age and up running the site might still leave possibility of hope for the younger ones in place.

Uh, hard pass on that. To me, manipulation and gaslighting are more off-putting at performative Green than other Tier 1 levels.

Anyhow, I am in the space of being figuratively on-my-own and moving towards being complete that way. Since I was a preschooler being praised for my ironing skills, I thought I was just going to be married. Did I consider what kind of husband I wanted? Yes. Did I vet and verify sufficiently? Hell no! I value family and healthy relationships so it’s a bit complicated (for me) figuring out how to manage and what to do with my anxious, depressed, avoidant spouse in the basement. He is like a shitty agoraphobic roommate who does the bare minimum of paying his bills on time and washes his dishes. As such, I will leave him to that and focus on me.

Polyamory seems to be to emotionally laborious and a challenge, including for the men you describe. It’s still a relationship that requires (probably) more communication and conflict resolution due to the increased numbers of connections and sounds like shenanigans do occur. While someone could be manipulative, the dissatisfied poly partner could more easily right-size (to include termination) the relationship. That’s a bug in the trad relationship.

Right now, I know I have the desire to roam. It’s a bummer to “have to” versus “get to” do it alone. Warm weather, less clothing, and outdoor adventure call.

[7Wannabe5]

Since I was a preschooler being praised for my ironing skills, I thought I was just going to be married.

One of the reasons I think I might be inherently polyamorous (or some similar flavor of different) is that I never thought about being married when I was young. I wanted romance, babies, and sex in varying forms at varying ages, but never had wedding or marriage fantasies or plans beyond maybe "I know I want kids, so I guess I'll have to get married to do that." I did give it some consideration around 5 years after my divorce after reading some retro book on the topic of why a woman should want a husband, but it was kind of like the time I read a book on how religious people are happier. And at this juncture, living alone with a man has pretty much zero appeal for me. This is true even though my father was one of my favorite people, so it would seem like "somebody like dear old Dad" might have occurred to me.

Right now, I know I have the desire to roam. It’s a bummer to “have to” versus “get to” do it alone. Warm weather, less clothing, and outdoor adventure call.

You don't have to do it alone. You are making a self-interested, values-based decision which you believe to be appropriate at this juncture to do it alone. Have fun!

[Frita]

It’s interesting how early programming creates some stickiness in those attitudes. Even the culture of being raised in a highly religious community clings. (Some of it has been helpful too.). Like you, I didn’t have wedding fantasies but expected follow through with a partnership with honesty and care and mutuality. I am considering if this relationship has been a significant impediment to my early retirement.

I did give it some consideration around 5 years after my divorce after reading some retro book on the topic of why a woman should want a husband, but it was kind of like the time I read a book on how religious people are happier.

Oh, my…I know someone (and really admire) who jumped on this bandwagon later in life. It seems that the certainty of a directed path and acceptance from group conformity work for her. It seems risky to me. All good until it isn’t.

And at this juncture, living alone with a man has pretty much zero appeal for me.

I hear you. Monday morning and I have the house to myself. Yahoo! Even though I will be out having my nature time, I know that I will be returning to calm.

You don't have to do it alone. You are making a self-interested, values-based decision which you believe to be appropriate at this juncture to do it alone. Have fun!

Thanks, plenty of middle-ways, I am open to plenty of things but nothing is jumping out as something I must do. I am hesitant to commit to external things right now.

[7Wannabe5]

I hear you. Monday morning and I have the house to myself.

Are you familiar with the part of the Enneagram model that describes orientation as either Social/Sexual/Security? The Security orientation is actually the Solo and/or Survival orientation. The Sexual orientation is actually pair-bonding or orienting as partner to a couple/twosome rather than "just sex." The Social orientation is obviously more tribal/ group member orientation.

I spent most of my adult years with my literal boots on the ground in a couple (Sexual mode) or in a couple in a group (Sexual within Social)(nuclear or extended family, for example) with my perspective/yearning mostly oriented towards the Solo fantasy approximating "alone in cabin in woods with pile of books." I never lived entirely by myself until just recently when I rented my own tiny apartment at age 56. My take may almost certainly be colored by the fact that I was also quite ill for much of the period, but the totally Solo life wasn't as fun, or even as calm, as I fantasized. At this juncture, my current setting and retrospective take (if I combine this model with Pattern Language living space design model) is that I have usually been happiest with Sexual within Solo within Social lifestyle. At my current age, this might look like having a "room of my own" with a Golden Girls household, and dating/visiting my romantic/sexual partner(s) on their own territories or a shared Couple's Space.

I would argue that this might actually be a more natural human model than Mid-20th Century Nuclear Family, because as Illich* clearly noted in his "Gender", throughout most of human history, women usually spent most of their time working with other women in their clan/tribe, rather than sitting on a couch watching television (or staring at the fire) with only their "husband" for companionship. The post-post-post-modern update would be to just make this model more towards the co-ed in terms of hunting party and cooking party formation, but with recognition of innate average differences due to sex. I kind of love the light-hearted manner in which Gen Z is transcending/queering gender roles and identity, (see Chappell Roan and/or Doechii, NPR Tiny Desk Concerts) but would bump it maybe just a bit more self-aware or maybe scientific/systems or towards recognition that sex/gender/orientation is not entirely fluid absent chemical intervention, rather analogous to innate temperament fluidity. For example, my outlook/behavior would almost certainly become more stereotypically masculine if I injected testosterone, lifted weights, hard-focused on a few metric goals, and practiced at overtly offering sexual contract to men, but just attempting the practices absent the testosterone would likely result in much wobblier manifestation of character development. Obviously, this is what I was jokingly attempting when I claimed that I was going to try to follow Wallstreet Players Program as the opposite (old woman) of intended audience/participant (young man.)

*As a gay defrocked Catholic Priest, he was early in recognizing and emphasizing that gender identity does NOT equal sexual orientation. However, he argued that the loss of conventional Social gender roles (as opposed to Sexual preferences) in Modern/Postmodern society was increasing blurring this difference. Whereas, for example, in Classical Roman patriarchal society, this was not a problem.

Beyond sex, gender, and orientation, another fairly important sexual dichotomy would be sub/Dom. For example, I primarily identify (rather boringly) as cis-female, feminine, heterosexual, and submissive, but as with a model such as MBTI, these are rarely pure binary self-designations. And there is quite often overlap between MBTI and sexual self-identification. For simple example, because I am extremely N and also quite P, I am also sexually open-minded and shades-of-gray enough to occasionally enjoy sexually interacting with another woman even though my seesaw obviously tilts more towards preference for men. The fact that I am cis-female also tends towards making bisexual behavior more of a fluid possibility than it is for many/most cis-males. IOW, it's not unrelated to how women tend towards shopping for more qualities in any partner. As in. "Well, I do prefer significant upper body development and a penis, but she's a super-cool human, so..." I can also interact with men who exhibit some sub behaviors (if they are extremely conventionally masculine good-looking), but I quickly find it very tiresome. I am also too absent-minded to be a good Domme. So, the hardest sexual role for me to inhabit would likely be the Dominant non-feminine role in relationship to another female. In fact, my terrible hipster-brat sisters often joke that I most resemble/present as uber Femme Lesbian Submissive, more so than even Femme Hetero Submissive, but this is likely simply due to the fact that I am relaxed, rounded, and I often dress like Peppermint Patty.

Egads, I've gone a wandering! My point for you being that this is a life juncture where you can possibly open yourself up to a great many different possibilities. So, once again...Have Fun!

[Frita]

January 2025 update:
January crept by and suddenly was gone. This is probably more about shorter days, frigid weather, and snow shoveling. It highlights my desire for some warmer weather.
VOLUNTEERING/PAID WORK: I continue with my volunteering and still enjoy it. I am considering trying some HistoriCorps this year. Not seeing any paid work I’d care to do.
MARRIAGE/DIVORCE/SPOUSE: I am in no hurry to get a divorce as it gives my spouse an arena for battling. I am getting in the groove of just matching his effort. I do shop, prep produce, do the laundry, detail cleaning, and snow shoveling (windows, appliances, etc.). He goes to work, does his sports watching, and isolates as his depression and anxiety deepen. He seems to be sick a lot, which I attribute to his eating choices. This extra time is for me!
FAMILY/SON: We just do our own thing. It’s weird. We talk about that. He’s busy again with classes, clinicals, working, and the college life. I am proud of him for fading on his previous situationship based on a couple self-identified red flags: lying about vaping/vaping, and gambling.
SELF-CARE
Sleep: on track
Exercise: on track My step count has decreased. A big part of this is snow and ice make for slower going. I am still only functionally rucking (i.e.,carting groceries) but would like to improve this. Stretching and yoga snacks throughout the day is working better than a class. I still catch myself jogging.
Food: on track
Hydration: on track I am substituting herbal tea for my nightly coffee with small dessert. This improves my sleep quality.
Health: on track I realize that I can manage my condition, not fix it.
Social: could be better I would prefer to have a couple local friends but don’t see the potential in my friendly acquaintances. The culture here is insular with a high rate of substance use (including alcohol) and mental health issues. I am unsure how much of this is here and how much is a general cultural shift.
Mediation: on track
DECLUTTERING could be better This is such a slow process. The county has resumed recycling 4 and 5 plastics, which I appreciate.
FINANCES: improving I now have access to our joint credit card, operating expenses, and my retirement accounts. Most of “our” money is now squirreled away in his accounts, so who knows there. He is financing my $8K/year Roth as a non-working spouse. I plan to get my own creditcard but thinking how to frame this.
UP NEXT: My awareness is more integrated, allowing me to have some space for what’s next. While I would not recommend a marriage where quiet quitting is the best option, I am embracing it!

[sky]

I am sorry to hear that you are unhappy in this situation. I don't have much advice to give, other than try to find ways to improve your life every day. Small incremental steps make things better, but you may need to take bigger leaps eventually. Hopefully others have better advice than I. Hang in there and be good to yourself.

[Frita]

I am sorry to hear that you are unhappy in this situation. I don't have much advice to give, other than try to find ways to improve your life every day. Small incremental steps make things better, but you may need to take bigger leaps eventually. Hopefully others have better advice than I. Hang in there and be good to yourself.

Thanks, Sky. I know you have personal experience in the dealing-with-life-by-it’s-own-terms department and very much appreciate the encouragement. Just to clarify, I am not unhappy. (My general feeling tone is content to happy.) There are some things that are not in line with my preferences. Since they aren’t things I can control (and may not even be able to influence much), they just become concerns. So, yes, it’s making some incremental shifts on a regular basis…but also maintaining the things that add value, fulfillment, and peace to my life. And I want to be open to more.

More general clarification, NOT directed toward you or anyone specifically: Problem-solving, making decisions, implementation, and evaluation are parts of a cycle. I am using this more as accountability for myself with increased understanding as a bonus. Feedback is cool. Clarifying questions are cool. Personal connections and experiences are cool. I am not looking for advice, someone to fix me, or to complain. When a forum leans heavily IXTJ and one is eNXP (hopefully mellowing to enXp), I have to expect to roll with some of that (and enjoy being amused!).

[7Wannabe5]

It might be easier to kickstart your social life with some other people who are single. It has been my experience that the albatross of a non-participatory spouse can be a pretty large drag on overall social life. I think a holistic approach to "quiet quitting" might benefit from making a list of all the remaining things you believe you can't do because you are still married, beyond simply not filing for divorce.

[Frita]

It might be easier to kickstart your social life with some other people who are single. It has been my experience that the albatross of a non-participatory spouse can be a pretty large drag on overall social life. I think a holistic approach to "quiet quitting" might benefit from making a list of all the remaining things you believe you can't do because you are still married, beyond simply not filing for divorce.

It sounds like you had many couples friends and making single friends was a game changer for you. Actually most people I know are single, mostly divorced, serial monogamists (lots of tenured academics). A lack of healthy enough couples could have been the issue.

For me, the loss is more of having an open, honest, direct, reciprocal, kind primary relationship with my spouse and modeling that to our son. The bucket list right now would be more distraction from processing and transforming that into what is ahead. It is certainly worth throwing on the back burner.

February 2025 update:
This year I reremembered how much I enjoy the approaching signs of spring: lengthening days, birds chirping, relatively warmer days.
VOLUNTEERING/PAID WORK: My volunteer gig continues to be enjoyable. I have a job interview this Tuesday for a position that would be meaningful and use my experience/education/skills, at least on paper. HistoriCorps this summer is on my radar. Things are just starting to open.
MARRIAGE/DIVORCE/SPOUSE: I continue my individuation from being a spouse. Misogyny is certainly an issue, especially when some women internalize it to weaponize each other. My husband certainly has some mental health issues, among other things. I feel sad that neither one of our families would be able to provide healthy emotional support.
FAMILY/SON: I notice that when our son spends more time with his dad, he tries to treat me in this one down position. Unacceptable. Rather than play this boundary setting-pushing dance, it is time for limits.
SELF-CARE
Sleep: on track
Exercise: on track. The change in weather is motivating!
Food: on track
Hydration: on track I notice when I substitute herbal tea for coffee at night, I tend to have a mid-afternoon coffee.
Health: on track Skin tone sure has changed in my mid-50s.
Social: in progress The downside of getting to know people slowly is sometimes it’s a bummer as there’s just not much there. Relationships for me need to be reciprocal, which seems hard for many modern adults. Success orientation has many facets and many people don’t move beyond it.
Mediation: on track
DECLUTTERING could be better This is ongoing. Our shared spaces are organized. My spouse and son tend to clutter there spaces. My baseline is more towards keeping things just in case instead of letting things go, a tendency I am working on shifting.
FINANCES: in progress I am learning how to pay online bills and current use online technology. Yesterday I was thinking how I used to do it all, including taxes, and how there’s no reason I can’t learn again. I am holding off on applying for a credit card while I am FI/unemployed as I don’t want to take the credit hit.
UP NEXT:
1) My personality is morphing to more enXp. Seeing things/people/places as they are (rather than what they could be) and ore global discernment are increasing. The balance is nice. Reading more seems to meet some extra version needs.
2) I am retroactively reconsidering what early retirement would look like for me as it was never my goal, just a by-product and a plan-less target, action-item for my spouse. Had my spouse not retired early, I suspect our relationship would be less strained.

[Frita]

March 2025 update:
Spring is my least favorite season as it’s quite chaotic weather-wise. This year I am approaching it with more embodied equanimity.
VOLUNTEERING/PAID WORK: The more I volunteer, the more I learn and appreciate about the organization. The grassroots, systematic approach to food insecurity that hits on root causes vibes. In a few days I will be returning to work and am planning my adventures for my eight-weeks off this summer.
MARRIAGE/DIVORCE/SPOUSE: My spouse’s social anxiety is shockingly worse despite his top secret treatment plan. I can witness his pain but am not a receptacle for it. My biggest realization this past month was how I have become disconnected from myself. Recentering, not passively participating in misogynistic BS I don’t believe in, is my primary focus.
FAMILY/SON: My son is doing well academically, perhaps too focused at the expense of balance. He’s noticing how father’s behaviors do affect him negatively. While I can model and be here for support, I can’t be responsible for his choices.
SELF-CARE
I am interested how returning to work will affect this.
Sleep: on track
Exercise: on track
Food: on track
Hydration: on track
Health: on track
Social: in progress I am doing a lot of inner work right now and don’t have much patience for chronic black-and-white thinking from grown-ass adults. I am not wasting time on things outside of my control and right-sizing effort on what I can influence.
Mediation: on track
DECLUTTERING
There are two different skillsets here: culling and maintenance. For April and May, this (in a broad sense) will be my focus (One Big Win-style).
FINANCES: in progress Being self-supporting could open up more space. I don’t want to put too much future pressure on myself though.
UP NEXT:
My February list rolls into March…
1) My personality is settling into enXp. I feel more balanced and peaceful and grounded. I am less amused and much less tolerant of chaos-creating outliers.
2) My mortality is coming up more as in my time is unpredictably limited, like that of all living things. How do I want to spend it? This is not a regression, for me, to a checklist. It’s still value-driven, accepting that time is limited with more possibilities than can be selected.

[Frita]

April 2025 update: Things are really shifting for me in wonderful ways. My biggest takeaway is investing my life energy in myself and people who can engage in reciprocal relationships. Prior to that comes self-love and personal responsibility. Some struggle to move away from the self-absorption. No problem, there’s no reality-based potential to co-create a healthy relationship. I can no longer waste my energy on such nonsense, whether with my spouse or anyone else.

[7Wannabe5]

No problem, there’s no reality-based potential to co-create a healthy relationship. I can no longer waste my energy on such nonsense, whether with my spouse or anyone else.

Hear ya. I think as eNtP females, we sometimes feel over compelled to "prove" this to be true with our secondary Ti. If/when we swing more into any aspect of "F" or our feminine energies, we can allow ourselves to relax by just feeling it to be true. The process is kind of Ti/Ne-> (Fe((Fi))).

[Laura Ingalls]

April 2025 update: Things are really shifting for me in wonderful ways. My biggest takeaway is investing my life energy in myself and people who can engage in reciprocal relationships. Prior to that comes self-love and personal responsibility. Some struggle to move away from the self-absorption. No problem, there’s no reality-based potential to co-create a healthy relationship. I can no longer waste my energy on such nonsense, whether with my spouse or anyone else.

So mysterious
I like it.

[Frita]

@7W5 I am more of an enXp these days. The e is a strong preference, the n and p are mild preferences, and my F and T are both simultaneously strong.

@LI Not to be cryptic so much as just dialed things in and don’t need to consider so many options. It’s quite liberating, actually. Perhaps it more of what Paul Chefurka describes as the inner journey.

Just a quick note to check in: I notice that anything less than mutual and reciprocal relationships don’t seem okay to me. Getting to know people slowly to right-size from the get-go is key. Of course, there’s the manipulation thing which I am still figuring out. Many thoughts that don’t quite translate to paper…

[7Wannabe5]

I'm not sure that I am entirely grokking what you mean by "mutual and reciprocal", but I think I "work" at my relationships much less than I did when I was younger, and I am happier, or at least more contented with them to that extent. I also don't necessarily believe that the "size" of a relationship is necessarily reflective of its depth or quality. I'm maybe more in tune with my own "quality of attention" and/or "engaged responsiveness" vs. "quantity of time/commitment", although there is also surely some overlap.