Care to share some inspiration, Please? (:

[TopHatFox]

I read some feedback from my time aboard a tall ship as a student-crew member. The captain wrote something along the lines of "viewed experience from the outside in", and some others wrote feedback along the lines of "will hold values to the point of conflict with peers", and "situational awareness didn't exist - has an ability to focus on one thing to the expense of all else", and "is retaining more than apparent, but requires one-to-one interaction to draw it out", or "was very interested in engineering of ship, and needs to work on awareness of others."

In retrospect some of these are really true, and kinda representative of my individualism v. collectivism. I don't think I'll be part of a "community" for a while. Anyway, the feedback combined with my talk with my adviser had me feeling a little frustrated, sad, and annoyed yesterday, because I want more compassion and understanding from my shipmates and adviser (perhaps desires that can only be fulfilled if I deliberately choose the people I interact with most).

Got any inspiration to help me continue applying to jobs and taking 4.5 classes this semester? Please (:

[IlliniDave]

Well, it seems like the feedback you received hinted that you are inwardly focused socially--you could maybe say that you don't interact with others in a way they see as compassionate and understanding of them. It's a two way street. If all that matters to you is your own solo agenda, it's hard to expect others to identify with you enough to provide the emotional support you want. Employers will generally be looking for individuals who work well with others in a collaborative manner. I don't know that it is inspiration, but you might be surprised at the benefit of taking an interest in others you find yourself around and paths to mutual success with them. Determine what you are doing suboptimally in your interaction toward them rather than vice-versa.

[Did]

Forget compassion and understanding from anyone except maybe your mother.

I think most here end up, or start, not giving a fig what anyone thinks. The FI enables them to get away with it.

[7Wannabe5]

Interesting. According to sexual dichotomy theory, all the feedback behaviors you listed are very much in alignment with a person being engaged in masculine functioning. Maybe you need to spend some time interacting with people who will give you straight-up hard-line kick-in-the-seat-of-the-pants feedback in the moment, so that you would have the opportunity to succeed, rather than such pc-speak mince-meat after the fact. OTOH, I have found it to be true that often when somebody thinks they would benefit most from compassionate, understanding support (wet-nurse), they would really better benefit from authoritative, directive support (drill sergeant) and vice-versa. Ideally you will grow in the ability to provide both of these types of support for yourself. Fairly reflexive in our culture for men to seek "compassion and understanding" from a 6 pack of beer and/or a woman with a kind face and plump bosom. You are ahead of the game ( and will likely save yourself some $$ on post-mid-life-divorce-therapy) because you at least recognize that there exists a part of you that wants compassion and understanding.

[saving-10-years]

@Zalo Its hard as an outsider to be inspired by this set of quotes. But because you know the context and the people who supplied them you have a more informed view. A ship is an unusually closed community where it is hard to escape tensions. I suspect you may not have found many kindred spirits on this particular ship. Or perhaps you did find some but you have focused here on the less positive feedback from others. Don't get hung up on the negative opinions of others. These are no more valid than positive opinions.

If you thought that all was going smoothly and gave all the others fantastic feedback then it would be worth doing some recap and reflection to find out what the mismatch is about. If not then you at least have learned what kind of communities/contexts you won't be comfortable with for the future.

+1 7w5's response about what sort of feedback/support you want/need/expect - this is useful information.

[Gilberto de Piento]

Have you worked on a team like this before? Maybe you just need more experiences like this to figure out how to interact with others.

If you've had other experiences like this and feedback has been good then you can attribute the negative feedback in this case to a bad match with this group or random noise. If this negative feedback is consistent then you know there is a problem to address.

This may have been a case of an introvert in a group of extroverts. You were interested in how the ship worked and they were interested in social interaction. Despite all the discussions of "diversity" and "acceptance" in college certain groups are not very accepting when the difference isn't one they have received formal instruction on.

[Ego]

IMO this is extremely valuable. It is the kind of thing "adults" avoid telling one another....except for spouses when they are furious with you for something .

You don't necessarily have to make any changes. Just be aware of how people may be perceiving you and the consequences of that (mis)perception.

Situational awareness is something you can work on. Team sports. I used to run a drill when I coached basketball where I would stop the action, have everyone close their eyes then point to the location of other players and indicate the direction those players were moving. It's amazing how this skill transfers to life. Getting into other peoples heads (theory of mind), understanding motivations and predicting actions/reactions is incredibly useful. It is a skill that can be practiced and improved.

[enigmaT120]

Were they right about the situational awareness issue? What Ego said made me laugh, though he or she is right. But I laughed because until I got to his post I was thinking about martial arts, specifically where you have to spar multiple opponents. Team sports never occurred to me.

[Lemon]

Not having the context makes this rather difficult to interpret. But for some of the comments:

1)'will hold values to the point of conflict with peers' On a boat or other environment where you have to work with people who are not necessarily your first choice of person to spend time with one of the top priorities is 'getting along'. This includes sometimes doing things you don't like or 'agreeing' so as to 'keep the peace'. As you get more experienced at dealing with this you can get to the point of manipulating people to get what you want while they think they are getting what they want. This is a golden skill. But straight up debating and sticking to your value, whatever it is, rarely persuades people and can lead to conflict. Which isn't good when you have to keep working with these people. As you say being able to choose who you spend time with is ideal, until FI that isn't always possible! Even after then! This is a skill to pick up. Being 'nice' and not annoying people and being aware they are still human beings with values which while not the same as yours or indeed obviously contrary to reality they may still cherish them deeply. 'was very interested in engineering of ship, and needs to work on awareness of others' follows in the same vein.

2)'is retaining more than apparent, but requires one-to-one interaction to draw it out' Just show what you know. This might mean talking to people about it when you know and see no reason to again show people you know, you know you know. But they might not, hence having to ask. But the rest of the world likes people to obviously reflect and demonstrate things and to have certificates etc. etc. It is stupid but there we go.

3)'situational awareness didn't exist - has an ability to focus on one thing to the expense of all else' I think this is sort of hinting at what 1) is saying and unfortunately without the situation hard to explain beyond that

4)''viewed experience from the outside in' sorry no idea

[George the original one]

"viewed experience from the outside in"
In other words, you're an observer and don't fit in. Not necessarily a bad thing, just different. Fits the inquisitive persona you present on the forum.

"will hold values to the point of conflict with peers"
LOL, again, it fits the persona you present. You have strong convictions and aren't quiet. You know what you know, but sometimes that means you engage others in debate when the debate is counterproductive.

[TopHatFox]

@Zalo Its hard as an outsider to be inspired by this set of quotes.

I was more seeking inspiration from you all if you'd like to pick me up from a short slump (I feel better now; being like water as the Taoists would express). Maybe some inspirational videos, stories, quotes on perseverance, or something along those lines.

[TopHatFox]

P.S. I did get some nice comments too!

"Zalo is inquisitive and a deep thinker; he is tuned to the social dynamic around him"

"He is attentive to detail in specific subjects"

"Willing to perform any task at hand - deeply focused on one task"

"eager to lend a hand and followed instructions well - very smart and asked good questions"

"always had a supportive word for his watch mates"

"asked good questions - showed growth as community member on board"

---------------------------------------

I think the people I aligned and chose to interact with deeply gave positive reviews, and the ones that I noticed I misaligned with - and quite likely ignored - provided negative/misunderstanding reviews. I definitely do think I did NOT fit in with this particular community, so I'm happy I even finished the trip!

[EdithKeeler]

I was more seeking inspiration from you all if you'd like to pick me up from a short slump (I feel better now; being like water as the Taoists would express). Maybe some inspirational videos, stories, quotes on perseverance, or something along those lines.

How about:


a song with no end
by Charles Bukowski


when Whitman wrote, “I sing the body electric”
I know what he
meant
I know what he
wanted:
to be completely alive every moment
in spite of the inevitable.
we can’t cheat death but we can make it
work so hard
that when it does take
us
it will have known a victory just as
perfect as
ours.

[BRUTE]

sounds like zalo is a pretty typical introverted human. great for being an engineer or a programmer or similar. not so great for sales, flight attendants, and so on.

luckily these skills are pretty easily learned. brute doesn't necessarily think it's possible to turn humans from true introvert to true extrovert, but it's easy enough to pay attention and let things slide in order to create harmony in a group of humans.

brute has pretty much the same background - as a youngster introverted know-it-all who would draw out every argument until he felt he achieved victory. then priorities shifted for brute and he realized that being right was not as valuable any more as it had been, and harmony became more important. this does not mean that brute now never holds strong opinions, just that he doesn't get on his soap box as much.

[7Wannabe5]

@EdithKeeler +1

"From Koltovitch's copse and garden there came a strong fragrant scent of lilies of the valley and honey-laden flowers. Pyotr Mihalitch rode along the bank of the pond and looked mournfully into the water. And thinking about his life, he came to the conclusion he had never said or acted upon what he really thought, and other people had repaid him in the same way. And so the whole of life seemed to him as dark as this water in which the night sky was reflected and water-weeds grew in a tangle. And it seemed to him that nothing could ever set it right."

"Arise, O pesky day, arise!
The peaceful cow, with flies to bother,
The dog his worms, the hen her lice,
And Man- Man his eternal brother."

[IlliniDave]

Zalo, Ah, so you gave us an oddly skewed sampling of the feedback.

One saying I find interesting and inspirational is: "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see". Taken all together I don't understand why either the shipmate feedback or the adviser interaction would get you down rather than simply make you think. But I'm very deliberate about making sure I see as wholly as I can.

And again, borrowing from the Zen Masters of yore: "The obstacle is the path".

Those may not be inspirational in the conventional sense, but keeping them in mind helps me navigate many bumps in the road.

EdithKeeler, I enjoy about one out of every 20 or 30 Bukowski poems I've read. The one you included is in the top 2 or 3 I've encountered. I'd forgotten all about it. Thanks for the reminder.

[Chad]

Situational awareness is something you can work on. Team sports. I used to run a drill when I coached basketball where I would stop the action, have everyone close their eyes then point to the location of other players and indicate the direction those players were moving. It's amazing how this skill transfers to life. Getting into other peoples heads (theory of mind), understanding motivations and predicting actions/reactions is incredibly useful. It is a skill that can be practiced and improved.

That's a good drill for a lot of team sports. I will use that when I coach again.

[Ego]

That's a good drill for a lot of team sports. I will use that when I coach again.

I stole it from my dad who stole it from coach Wooden. To this day I find myself doing it as I walk down the street without even realizing it.

[jacob]

Just don't try it with hockey. It might be hard to close your eyes and stop

Seriously though, aside from winning face-offs this (being in the right place at the right time) was my one other hockey skill that people remarked on. Not so much in terms of puck handling, skating, speed, etc. But overall awareness is certainly appreciated. Or maybe they were just being nice to a 30 yo geezer. And this is the first time I've heard of this training method, so thanks for that one.

[Ego]

Seriously though, aside from winning face-offs this (being in the right place at the right time) was my one other hockey skill that people remarked on. Not so much in terms of puck handling, skating, speed, etc. But overall awareness is certainly appreciated.

Possible explanation....

The Superior Social Skills of Bilinguals

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/13/opini ... .html?_r=2

We took a group of children in the United States, ages 4 to 6, from different linguistic backgrounds, and presented them with a situation in which they had to consider someone else’s perspective to understand her meaning. For example, an adult said to the child: “Ooh, a small car! Can you move the small car for me?” Children could see three cars — small, medium and large — but were in position to observe that the adult could not see the smallest car. Since the adult could see only the medium and large cars, when she said “small” car, she must be referring to the child’s “medium.”

We found that bilingual children were better than monolingual children at this task. If you think about it, this makes intuitive sense. Interpreting someone’s utterance often requires attending not just to its content, but also to the surrounding context. What does a speaker know or not know? What did she intend to convey? Children in multilingual environments have social experiences that provide routine practice in considering the perspectives of others: They have to think about who speaks which language to whom, who understands which content, and the times and places in which different languages are spoken.