White Belt's Semi-Retirement

[white belt]

My dependence on the federal government is definitely a vulnerability for my lifestyle. My current part time gig in the reserve forces is of course paid for by the Department of Defense. My pension and mortgage are tied to the VA. Our health insurance is tied to my affiliation with the DoD. A big chunk of my portfolio is sitting in the TSP (government equivalent of 401k). Even DW's salary as a medical resident is paid for by Medicare. Other than managing and occasionally actively trading my portfolio, I haven't had any source of income that wasn't tied to the government in some way since high school.

So, although I get all these great benefits from the government, I'm concerned that reliance on such has made my lifestyle fragile. As I think of future employment possibilities, I feel like I should really focus on disentangling myself from government work, even if it is some of the easiest and most lucrative work for me to pivot into.

It's hard for me to imagine doing any other kind of work. I don't think a salaryman job is in my immediate future, so I've been looking more at working man and businessman arrangements. After watching an arborist climb and trim trees on our property, I considered trying something like that. Heck, I've done some rope work in the military and I enjoy learning about trees. However, after doing more research I don't think the juice is worth the squeeze in terms of pay (the curse of FI perhaps?). I think some other blue collar or service business could still be an option.

Making macro trades in my portfolio at times has provided a lot of stimulation. I do see a lot of parallels between my military work and that of a trader. However, it's been a couple of years since I've done any of that and I also am not fully convinced I have the skillset for it. The other downside with trading is that it tends to be high stress, which I guess is par for the course if I'm looking for something that I can really lose myself in. Maybe I should dip my toes back into it again with a small fraction of my portfolio and see how I like it? Sometimes I have delusions of working at a hedge fund, but my background is not in finance and I don't have the connections for such a thing. I traded macro successfully before using some of my knowledge of geopolitics and warfare, so maybe I could do it again. I also don't know if it would be a good fit as even if I could score one of those roles, it's high stress work and 50-60+ hour work weeks from what I've read.

I could also go back to school since I have full GI Bill benefits (another benefit tied to the government!). Another delusion I have is getting my MBA from an M7 school. My understanding is that the MBA at those programs is more of a sorting function for jobs usually reserved for the upper class. The networking and stamp of approval from the institution is more valuable than the knowledge learned in class. However, most people get an MBA to find a better job and I don't know if I even have the fire in me to work full time again (see earlier comment about salaryman work).

ETA: I am coming to terms with the fact that I do get some satisfaction and/or status from the "special" accolades associated with my military career. There is a part of me that is drawn to upper class career fields like finance as it seems to have a similarly "special" status. Maybe it would be more beneficial to question my desire to feel special, gifted, elite, etc.

[DutchGirl]

I know I must be experiencing some sort of 3/8’s life crisis (somewhere between quarter and mid) when I’m daydreaming about getting a red convertible. I don’t think the numbers or the practicality make sense.

You could consider buying the car now, driving it for the next nine months, and then decide whether you've scratched the itch and will sell it again, or whether you will store it for winter and drive it next year, too. (Or maybe store it for winter and sell it next spring - more people will want to buy in spring I think). I don't think you would lose a lot of money if you do it like that.

My guy bought his fun car a decade ago, and while yes, it has been fun, we now also definitely have experienced the downsides. He has just bought his next car which is way more practical, so I guess the itch has now been scratched sufficiently.

[Lemur]

Too relatable. I've spent half of my life associated with the DoD in some capacity. Military from 18 years old...then DoD contracting...now Civilian working for DoD. Veteran status gives you priority and access to certain careers and jobs that others have higher barriers of entry for.

Speaking of fragility, if you've a stock portfolio it is easy to forget that you're a a fractional owner of thousands of businesses.

It's hard for me to imagine doing any other kind of work. I don't think a salaryman job is in my immediate future, so I've been looking more at working man and businessman arrangements. After watching an arborist climb and trim trees on our property, I considered trying something like that. Heck, I've done some rope work in the military and I enjoy learning about trees. However, after doing more research I don't think the juice is worth the squeeze in terms of pay (the curse of FI perhaps?). I think some other blue collar or service business could still be an option.

Curse of well-paid salaryman. Hard for me to imagine as well doing anything less (from a financial standpoint). Perhaps it might be best to take money out of the equation and find things that you'd do for cheap or near free and only make money as a side-effect of that pursuit?

For instance, I once considered getting into side-work as a general handyman. This was you can build skills and make money. Set up a solo proprietorship and offer services like drywall repair, gutter cleaning, grass cutting, snow shoveling, already mentiond tree cutting, deck building? etc. But ... why do all that when a cushy office job can make more in one day then what that effort can do in 4-5 days. *shrug*

Do you've a deep interest in something that is worthy of making YouTube content? You mentioned setting up a Aquaculture system. That would be cool to see one built from scratch.

[chenda]

I could also go back to school since I have full GI Bill benefits

You've expressed interest in urban planning issues before, so maybe that could be something to look into ? Architecture, landscape architecture, urban design etc. It would presumably open up private sector employment, or otherwise just be a fun thing to do.

[white belt]

You could consider buying the car now, driving it for the next nine months, and then decide whether you've scratched the itch and will sell it again, or whether you will store it for winter and drive it next year, too. (Or maybe store it for winter and sell it next spring - more people will want to buy in spring I think). I don't think you would lose a lot of money if you do it like that.

Well I am starting by renting one during an upcoming vacation. It is maybe $100 more total to rent for 4 days compared to a budget econobox from a rental company. We'll see how I like it. Maybe it will be disappointing or I'll decide that renting something like it a few times a year is a better option than owning.

Curse of well-paid salaryman. Hard for me to imagine as well doing anything less (from a financial standpoint). Perhaps it might be best to take money out of the equation and find things that you'd do for cheap or near free and only make money as a side-effect of that pursuit?
[...]
Do you've a deep interest in something that is worthy of making YouTube content? You mentioned setting up a Aquaculture system. That would be cool to see one built from scratch.

I swing back and forth between trying to select activities for money saving/making purposes vs just focusing on activities I find fun/rewarding regardless of monetary consequence. I can't totally disregard monetary consequences, but at the same time I found my life to be a bit too narrow when I was focusing on everything through a financial lens.

I'm still a bit burnt out from making YouTube content. If there is something I do put on there in the future, it will be because I feel like it is valuable to the world rather than profitable. For now, I've put all of what I'll call "collapse projects" on the backburner so that I can focus on getting other areas of my life on track.

You've expressed interest in urban planning issues before, so maybe that could be something to look into ? Architecture, landscape architecture, urban design etc. It would presumably open up private sector employment, or otherwise just be a fun thing to do.

I had an interest in urban planning until I determined that poor urban design is not an engineering/design issue but rather a political/cultural issue. I don't really have the patience for that kind of work. I prefer to create/iterate/implement novel designs rather than listen to the whining of neanderthal NIMBY's and politicians in town meetings.

[white belt]

DW and I went on the trip and driving the Miata overall enhanced our experience. It was fun to bask in the sunny weather and drive along roads paralleling the beach (I wish they were more winding!). It turned a few 2 hour drives into an enjoyable and core experience of the trip, rather than just feeling like we’re counting down the time to get from point A to point B. DW enjoyed riding shotgun more than she expected and we both fit comfortably in the cab, as well as our luggage fitting in the small trunk. This is the only manual car that I've driven other than my own and the first sports car I've ever driven. The shifter felt amazing. I now get the appeal of the Miata handling because you can throw it around corners and it feels almost like a go kart. Similarly, driving ~40 mph with the top and windows down feels as fast as going 70 in a regular car. I didn't really notice anyone paying attention to the car, however the subdued color might've played a factor (not that the Miata is a rare or fancy car, just that the car usually draws some attention due to the novelty of the size and the fact that it's a 2 seat convertible). I counted 3 waves from other Miata drivers but I was too slow to respond with my own, so I guess there is a tribe.

So does that mean I’ll be buying one? I’m not sure. A convertible is great in a sunny beach town but I live in the northeast with 4 seasons. That means I’d need to store it for 3-4 months of the year, which might be possible at the new house according to my measurements*. I think most driving is more fun in the Miata, although I’d say highway driving is about the same as my other car. Even with the top up, there’s probably slightly more noise than my current car and it doesn’t always feel great driving such a small car around massive semi trucks at highway speeds. I mostly just used cruise control for highway driving. So that begs the question, do I do enough driving on exciting enough roads to justify owning? Am I going to become someone that drives my car around sporty roads just to return home? I think I’m too practical at heart to drive just for the sake of driving, so I’d prefer to use it for when I need to go somewhere that requires driving (hobbies, visiting friends, some errands, etc). I do think it would bring me more joy during mundane activities, although I wonder if hedonic adaptation would dampen that over time.

I will probably keep perusing the online listings to get a feel for the used market, but I’d like to get settled in at the new house before making any decisions. It’s hard to predict exactly what my lifestyle will look like at the new house and I tend to get very stressed out with moving.


* = Garage is detached from the driveway in the back corner of the lot, which means I need to squeeze the car across a concrete pad and around some vegetation to get it to the driveway. This would be a nightmare to do every day, however is probably manageable twice a year at the start of spring and end of fall.

[Scott 2]

Rental sounds like an ideal way of exploring further. Could it inform the decision, maybe some sort of threshold? Like if you're compelled to rent 3 times in one year, make a purchase?

Early on, I did observe my dad driving his in lame conditions. 40 degrees, with the top up, in suburban traffic. Now you're stuck in a tiny car, without any creature comforts. That's less fun.

Getting in and out becomes harder with age. There's an argument for. It's a young man's game!

[jacob]

IIRC https://www.amazon.com/Living-Well-Prac ... 1581602820 (recommended for the hardcore frugalists) drove a convertible. It works if the car is seen as a "fun hobby" rather than a "need for practical purposes" possession. When we go camping, we sometimes visit https://www.volocars.com/ (it's pretty much the only attraction in the area---good when otherwise rained out) It's part museum but also part collectible car dealer. I keep thinking how it would be "cool" to own/drive one of these things. However, they're definitely not practical in any sense. Best to arrange life around not needing a car. Then perhaps owning one for fun if one is into automotive fun.

[white belt]

Rental sounds like an ideal way of exploring further. Could it inform the decision, maybe some sort of threshold? Like if you're compelled to rent 3 times in one year, make a purchase?

Early on, I did observe my dad driving his in lame conditions. 40 degrees, with the top up, in suburban traffic. Now you're stuck in a tiny car, without any creature comforts. That's less fun.

Getting in and out becomes harder with age. There's an argument for. It's a young man's game!

Yeah I think it would be smart to do a rental when I'm not on vacation and settled in the new house. I'd probably rent for a week and see if I feel like it's bringing me enjoyment during my normal use cases, rather than just on a sunny beach vacation.

Well I would drive it in 40 degrees with the top down and the heated seats on . Although more than likely it would be garaged during the winter months here since I'm worried about road salt rusting out the bottom. The nice thing about the recent generation of the Miata is that it actually does have a lot of creature comforts like cruise control, carplay, heated seats, backup camera, etc. A convertible is also a young man's game because of the manual transmission. It seems working the clutch pedal gets less pleasant with age for most people.

[white belt]

I keep thinking how it would be "cool" to own/drive one of these things. However, they're definitely not practical in any sense. Best to arrange life around not needing a car. Then perhaps owning one for fun if one is into automotive fun.

I would rate myself as pretty low level on the car enthusiast scale. I never had posters of dream cars in my bedroom growing up. I can drive stick because it just happened to be that the beater hatchback with 118k miles I bought for $4k almost 10 years ago is a manual. Luckily I had a friend with a Jeep at the time who was nice enough to help drive it home when I bought it and give me a few lessons. That car still runs great with over 210k miles on it and I think I would still keep it even if I purchased a "fun" car given that the ongoing costs for it are so ridiculously low and I still would like a car for winter months.

I don't really nerd out on specs but I like the look of certain cars and after driving the Miata, I can understand the appeal because the driving experience was just so much more fun than a typical car. I think the average person treats the car as a comfortable cocoon that insulates them in every way from the actual driving and the world around them. Most people (myself included sometimes) would prefer to just be teleported rather than the chore of having to drive somewhere. However driving a fun car brought me more connection with the machine itself, with the road, and with the world around me.

I'm largely there with arranging my life around not needing a car. My new house has a walkscore of 61 and a bike score of 52. I'm a 10 minute walk away from Aldi, which also happens to be right next to a train station that can have me downtown in the big city in less than 15 min. The cute main street area of my town with library, businesses, restaurants, and various community centers is a 20 min walk or 5 minute bike ride. Likely gym is 5 min further bike ride down the main street. So my everyday tasks will not require a car.

DW's job is a 10 min drive away and she will still daily commute with her car due to 80+ hour workweeks in combination with sketchy area around her place of work. I still anticipate using my car a few times a week since my outdoor hobbies that include things like shooting, disc golf, recreational sports, hiking etc usually require me to meet up with friends in areas that aren't necessary accessible by public transport.

There are a segment of car enthusiasts who are much more hardcore than me. @Sclass has written about them before. Each model seems to attract it's own following, but you also have enthusiasts who will hop from car to car. They tend to buy the cars that other enthusiasts will like, sometimes modding them and sometimes just maintaining them. They frequent the forums and know exactly how to fix quirks that are unique to each car. Every year or few years they sell the car for about the same as they bought it, then rinse/repeat. The Miata is on the low end of the spectrum in terms of cost for this type of thing. I can buy a 6 year old Miata that is spec'd out in a way to appeal to enthusiasts and in great shape for $20k, drive it for 2 years and probably resell it for $18k. Insurance is cheap with a collector's policy and maintenance on a Miata is affordable.

From what I've read, there are regular people doing the same thing with more expensive enthusiast cars. For example, an enthusiast might buy/finance a 20 year old Ferrari that's going to cost them $80k (not that different than the price of a lot of new luxury cars these days). Maintenance and insurance is understandably more expensive at that price point. However, those cars also pretty much stop depreciating and in many cases go up in value so many enthusiasts end up breaking even or even making some money when it's time to sell. Rinse/repeat. The cost to the enthusiast is countless hours spent mastering the ins and outs of a particular car in terms of maintenance, value, etc so one has to enjoy that aspect as part of the hobby. TNSTAAFL.

[white belt]

One thing that I've identified after some recent introspection is that my current lifestyle lacks hustle. What do I mean by that? Well if I look back for basically my entire adult life, I was usually hustling at one thing or another. I was using my own ingenuity, creativity, etc to solve problems and move myself and/or my team ahead.

One might think that the military is a salaryman job that doesn't have much of a hustle aspect to it and that is true in the sense that everyone gets paid the same regardless of effectiveness. However, in order to stand out and draw other professional benefits (e.g. the most prestigious positions, units, opportunities, etc), one has to hustle. There are many who choice not to hustle and they have more boring/unfulfilling careers, but that was never me. My most fulfilling job in the military without getting into specifics was one where I was in a product owner role if one is familiar with Agile terms. Later I realized that job was a lot of sales, although I never considered myself a salesman since I thought introverts didn't do sales. I had to "sell" our product to stakeholders as well as other organizations to get them to support us with resources. Some of my most impactful contributions were convincing others to collaborate with us, which is not so easy in the government sector when you have no financial incentives to offer. I found the lifestyle to be dynamic and fully engaging.

Conversely, the job that I found least fulfilling in my career was one which there were basically no opportunities to hustle. The shift work was entirely focused on current operations, which means we just had to react and put out fires when they came up. Many days nothing happened, so I watched a lot of YouTube. I was interchangeable with 10 other people and my role was deliberately very narrow and defined. This was not an environment that valued innovation or creativity.

With the exception of times in relationships with a few previous girlfriends over the years, before I met DW I spent a lot of "hustle" energy in my dating life. In a way dating is like sales and I found it to be dynamic and engaging. Looking back on it, using dating apps and chasing girls really felt like a hobby to me. I was single for many years and it was my primary source of fun outside of work. Now that I'm happily married, my "dating" energy is directed towards DW and maintaining/building our relationship. However, I would probably not describe the dynamic as hustling in the same way it was when I was meeting a new girl for a first date.*

I admire those on the forum like @Ego who seem to be able to keep that "hustle" fire alive through various ventures and efforts. I do think I've become a bit complacent in my semi-retirement seeing as money is pretty much a solved problem and dating/love/sex is largely a solved problem (simplifying a bit). So now I need to continue to climb Maslow's hierarchy and figure out how to get towards self-actualization, which my initial thoughts at least point towards me needing to find activities that I find dynamic and engaging. The problem of course being that my frame of reference for dynamic/engaging activities (warfare and mating) are those that are the most deeply rooted in the reptilian brain. Comparatively, a lot of stuff nowadays just doesn't feel very engaging to me.

* = I'm sure 7WB5 will jump in with several book recommendations for how I can maintain that same energy in a long term relationship

[white belt]

Thanks to the internet, it is quite easy to learn what someone is doing with their life without even having to talk to them. I have since discovered, that of the 4 women that I had long term relationships with in my adult life (to include DW), the professional breakdown is as follows: 2 medical doctors, 1 clinical psychologist, and 1 paralegal with a PhD in English Literature. So what does that mean? Smart women like me? I like smart women? I'm not entirely sure but there seems to be some sort of pattern.

[sky]

The challenge of retiring on passive income is 1. you have to create your own meaning for yourself, your life and your activities, and 2. you have to find a way to keep busy, hopefully with activities that are aligned with your self-created meaning. And they should be activities that don't cost much.

I enjoy driving around and exploring the countryside near my home, it is one of my favorite activities. It does not provide a lot of meaning. I don't like burning fuel for nothing or maintaining a fuel burning vehicle. My wife enjoys taking pictures of barns and stopping at garage sales, so we do have some "purpose" for our aimless wandering. Trying to add too much purpose to our drives would probably destroy the spontaneity of "lets go down this road we haven't been to before". I hope to buy an electric car soon, so we can spend time driving at low cost and without burning much fuel. At least I can minimize the negative aspects of driving.

I am starting to see the value of gaming and simulation as a way to provide a challenge and feeling of accomplishment, even if they are only virtual world experiences. I can feel like I am succeeding in running a business, or fighting a battle. Yet in reality, I have not changed the physical world one bit, nor had much interaction with humans. The feeling of overcoming challenges is real. The cost is minimal. Meaning? Perhaps personal self-growth, gaining skills of some kind, or getting a better understanding of how to solve a puzzle. Is it time wasted? I don't think so, the mental activity is real. The measure of worth is probably how you feel after walking away from the screen.

If I had to identify where I find meaning, one area would be maintaining health. Diet, exercise, destressing. In my case, daily walking is meaningful. Another area would be identifying things which create joy, happiness and contentment for myself and my partner.

My definition of meaning has changed quite a bit. The changes in one's purpose happen slowly. In my case the change in purpose went from improving things for society to improving things for myself. There was a period in between that was a grey area, when it was unclear which direction things would go. Dissatisfaction with the old way of thinking, fanaticism toward new ideas, retrenchment, clinging on to old beliefs for a while, then a new path opens up towards the light. Eventually I came through and became a different person. Probably changes will continue to happen as long as I live.

[7Wannabe5]

I'm sure 7WB5 will jump in with several book recommendations for how I can maintain that same energy in a long term relationship

Nope, my book recommendations would be more towards how you must maintain that same energy in a long term relationship. The sexiest thing an old dog can do is learn a new trick. And, given your penchant for the cute nerd type, you are going to have to plan on doubling down on the new tricks, else "yaaaaawn." You are a newlywed yet, but it can get to the point where your SO doing or revealing something terrible-yet-interesting is more erotic than the same old Saturday Shuffle. However, before it gets to that point, I would advise hustling more in the direction of surprising-personal-growth. For simplistic example, "Oh yeah, I guess I forgot to mention, I've been taking guitar lessons, and I am trying out for a band tonight."

IN SUMMARY: Marriage is not the sexual/romantic analogue of financial independence through investing. You have to at least intermittently keep hustling and dating your wife, or....FAIL!

[white belt]

Nope, my book recommendations would be more towards how you must maintain that same energy in a long term relationship. The sexiest thing an old dog can do is learn a new trick. And, given your penchant for the cute nerd type, you are going to have to plan on doubling down on the new tricks, else "yaaaaawn."

I understand your point but I can't imagine my wife being into me having hypothetical new hobbies like online poker, tiny model ship in bottle assembly, and/or antique car engine photography. So I'm back to the same dilemma I faced when I was single of whether I should tailor my hobbies to things I think women would be interested in vs. just "be myself" and do whatever hobbies interest me most. I tested this towards the end of my full time employment when I was playing competitive Magic: the Gathering and making YouTube videos, which according to my metrics garnered an actual 100% male viewer gender ratio. DW also wasn't very happy with it because it was the kind of activity that required my 100% laser focus and I'm the type of person to get really irritable when interrupted from deep focus.

IN SUMMARY: Marriage is not the sexual/romantic analogue of financial independence through investing. You have to at least intermittently keep hustling and dating your wife, or....FAIL!

The "always date your wife" is marriage advice I've heard before and something I am trying to keep in mind. The thing is, DW works 80+ hour weeks and averages 4 days off per month. So our time and energy together are quite limited. When I was in the military there was a common trope that military spouses have to understand that they aren't just married to their spouse but they are also married to the military (that is to say the needs of the military come before the needs of the spouse/family). I get the vibe that it's kind of the same for surgeon spouses, even down to the fact that it's another male dominated career field so the assumption is a surgeon can work insane hours because they have a wife at home managing the household. Based on what DW has described, there is even more sexism in the medical field than in the military, but surprisingly (or not) the largest source of friction is with women nurses.

[7Wannabe5]

Hmmm...Have you seen the movie "Say Anything" ? For the time being, you are clearly going to have to be in the supportive role, but keeping it masculine-style. Since, as an eNTP-A, I am about as driven as Bugs Bunny or Kramer or Hawkeye Pierce (who actually is a surgeon, but doesn't seem like one), I rarely need male partner in supportive role, but, for example, when I was temporarily teaching full-time in very challenging elementary school full of recently immigrated low income kids, I appreciated it when one of my poly-partners would pick me up in his car after school with my favorite coffee beverage hot in the drinks holder. It seemed masculine to me, because I could just collapse in the passenger seat and enjoy my coffee since he was doing the driving. So, I'm going to attempt a generalization along the lines of maybe humans who are core masculine energy prefer feminine support for their masculine that helps keep them going in their masculine energy and maybe humans who are core feminine in their energy prefer masculine support that helps them take a break in their feminine energy. Dunno. My masculine energy is like a 12 year old explorer, so the support I prefer from masculine partners vis-a-vis my masculine energy is mostly just "don't cage me or keep me on a leash." Although, I got into a pretty huge fight today with my PhD "ex", because he claimed he could better interpret a visual representation of information in a very condescending manner, and (of course) he was wrong and I was right. Maybe I view condescension as a variety of "caging", although I will stand my logical ground no matter the gender of my wrong-minded opposition; it's just much more often the case that my wrong-minded opposition is an idiot boy. Also, I am totally bored with men who are all like, "I really want you to tell me what you like and want.", but then when you say "role play", their entirely predictable response is "Hey Babe, I'm pretty tired."

[AxelHeyst]

hustlERE, I love it.

So I'm back to the same dilemma I faced when I was single of whether I should tailor my hobbies to things I think women would be interested in vs. just "be myself" and do whatever hobbies interest me most.

Do you think it would be healthy for your relationship for you to choose your activities based on what you assume your wife would like/approve of? When dating, tailoring your hobbies to what you think women would be interested in makes you a less authentic/self-actualizing person, and filters for people who don't mind people who put themselves in over-thought boxes for other people. (This is the part where everyone listening realizes I've stopped talking to @whitebelt and am in fact ranting unhingedly at my previous self). I think that in a LTR, tailoring interests based on assumptions of others preferences in this way over time can have a related and dysfunctional effect for everyone involved.

That said, there might be something to consider regarding the difference between 'hobbies', 'hustles', and 'ventures', as they relate to the dynamics of your LTR.

So, I'm going to attempt a generalization along the lines of ... maybe humans who are core feminine in their energy prefer masculine support that helps them take a break in their feminine energy. Dunno.

fwiw my gf is a core feminine energy person who is a corporate executive in engineering and construction industry and has to bring a lot of masculine energy throughout the day. She greatly prefers to relax into feminine energy when at home/around me.

---

@wb have you done anything with your RAS builds? I'm interested in what you're up to with that if so.

[Scordatura]

One thing that I've identified after some recent introspection is that my current lifestyle lacks hustle.

I notice you've had the time and inclination to stop by and give feedback on my musical endeavors. (Thank you.) You could perhaps enhance your own. Hit the local music scene. Do lessons at the local college. Something with a public performance at the summit.

I also notice you listed volunteering as a value in the beginning, but didn't see anything on that since. Did I miss it? Have you executed and not written about it?

Heavy emphasis has been placed on exercise. Have you competed? Bodybuilding, powerlifting, and crossfit have competitions. You would know more than I, but it seemed like an obvious suggestion.

I would point out that the feeling of something missing is basically the human condition. It might actually be an internal state rather than an external lack of hustle. Only you, by personal experimentation, may tell.

Good luck.

[white belt]

Hmmm...Have you seen the movie "Say Anything" ? For the time being, you are clearly going to have to be in the supportive role, but keeping it masculine-style. Since, as an eNTP-A, I am about as driven as Bugs Bunny or Kramer or Hawkeye Pierce (who actually is a surgeon, but doesn't seem like one), I rarely need male partner in supportive role, but, for example, when I was temporarily teaching full-time in very challenging elementary school full of recently immigrated low income kids, I appreciated it when one of my poly-partners would pick me up in his car after school with my favorite coffee beverage hot in the drinks holder. It seemed masculine to me, because I could just collapse in the passenger seat and enjoy my coffee since he was doing the driving.

That movie was a bit before my time but I am familiar with the famous boombox in the backyard scene that is a part of the zeitgeist. I'll have to give it a watch.

The after school dynamic you describe is actually pretty similar to what DW (INFJ) does when she gets home from work or has a weekend off. Something along the lines of "So what are we doing today?" with the expectation that I'm going to take lead on the planning and execution of such activities. That's pretty much been the dynamic our whole relationship since I much prefer planning things out and being in control while she is less of a planner and more go with the flow. I also tend to always do the driving when we are going somewhere together unless it is a roadtrip where we will alternate. And heated seats might be one of her favorite inventions of all time.

[white belt]

Do you think it would be healthy for your relationship for you to choose your activities based on what you assume your wife would like/approve of? When dating, tailoring your hobbies to what you think women would be interested in makes you a less authentic/self-actualizing person, and filters for people who don't mind people who put themselves in over-thought boxes for other people.

I think it's healthy to at least consider the ramifications of my hobbies on my marriage. DW is relatively easygoing and doesn't really care that much what hobbies I do in my free time as long as I am happy. Of course, some of them do have an impact on her. For example, I've been considering getting a fun car like a Miata. Let's just exclude the financial considerations for the moment, although DW is quite frugal so spending more money than necessary on transportation is not something she is a huge fan of (but she does understand the idea/appeal of a fun car). The positives are that DW likes the way it looks, had fun riding around in the passenger seat with the top down when we were on vacation, liked the heated seats, and could tell that I was happier and having more fun driving it. The negatives are that I will have to spend more time maintaining it which will also require tools/supplies that take up more space in our garage which she pictures as her gardening supply shed. I might also have to park it in said garage during the winter which will require some tweaks to the design of the backyard/patio area so that I can access the garage from the driveway.

I've never picked up a hobby I don't enjoy just because I think women would like it, since that comes off as inauthentic and also many times creepy (you don't want to be the guy that comes to yoga class just to hit on other students). However, when I was single and dissatisfied with my dating life, I approached things from a systems thinking perspective. The reality was that almost all of my time was spent in male dominated fields (military job, lifting in gym, etc) so adding another hobby that didn't have a favorable gender ratio seemed to be the wrong move from a systems perspective. MMV though because I never really cracked the code on consistently meeting new women IRL without using dating apps.

That said, there might be something to consider regarding the difference between 'hobbies', 'hustles', and 'ventures', as they relate to the dynamics of your LTR.

Yeah I think this needs fleshing out but a first step is probably some self-awareness for what I'm trying to get out of an activity. In my experience, the lines can get pretty blurred when we start talking about things like hobby businesses. Like when I was making Youtube videos, at a certain point I had to choose between making the videos I want vs making the videos my audience wants to see. I also have a history of ruining a hobby or at least burning out by taking it too seriously early on.

fwiw my gf is a core feminine energy person who is a corporate executive in engineering and construction industry and has to bring a lot of masculine energy throughout the day. She greatly prefers to relax into feminine energy when at home/around me.

I think each one of my LTRs to include DW fit this description, along with many women I dated in more casual circumstances. From talking to these women, there is a common lament that they encounter so many guys who are intimidated by their intelligence/career/financial success so they then end up with men who are more submissive/feminine but that doesn't work because they don't want to have to be "lady boss" at work and at home. It does make me wonder if the inverse is true that women who appear more feminine in public are more bossy in domestic circumstances.

@wb have you done anything with your RAS builds? I'm interested in what you're up to with that if so.

It's on the backburner until I get established in the new house, which will hopefully be in the next couple of months. I do have space in my unfinished basement to give my crazy ideas a try for the first time. I have a bit of a fixation in what I'll call "The Martian" scenario. I'm tempted to see how many calories I could produce in a compact environment at least as a proof of concept. For example, I still have a prototype in my head of a vertical [sweet] potato setup that uses 5 gallon buckets. I don't plan on actually using my own composted humanure to grow them, but I'm more interested in being able to show proof of concept that then others can build on. I like Low Tech Magazine because they feature a lot of such ideas and people working on those types of projects. The RAS build is another manifestation of this which seems under-explored. There are a lot of people growing Tilapia in aquaponics and a lot of people growing minnows for baitfish purposes, but not much overlap between the two. From an energy perspective it makes sense to eat lower on the food chain, especially especially if it provides some micronutrients that might not be as readily available from plant based sources.