gradus' journal

[gradus]

Hello everyone.

I'm gradus. I'm 28 years old and I learned about the ERE idea after graduating college in 2020; I didn't live by the principles at the time (arguably I still don't) but the idea of living without a typical fulltime job has been in my mind at least since then. I've lurked on the forum itself for more than a year now and I am finally posting.

I am currently taking an unpaid break from my job for my mental health. For the past few months or more, I have felt my focus wane and my performance at work has suffered as a result. Outside of work, too, my ability to concentrate has not been consistent. I have put off writing on this forum because of this difficulty focusing amidst neverending fairly-complicated work. I hope that my writing in this journal can be coherent (ie not repetitive and have a point). I really appreciate the ability of folks here to consider a problem and come up with a simple model to work with, and I aspire to such clear thinking.

So that is the job; regarding another important monetary topic, I am choosing not to renew my lease for September: I moved into my current apartment last September and thought more space would help separate my remote job from my life and living space, but it has not. This has meant very little money saved since then; I am paying far too much in rent. I'd say "live and learn", but I knew better. I have hesitated for months to post here for that reason as well. This coming September I will move out of this apartment and decrease my cost of living again. I'd like to significantly lower my rent while still living in this city, so finding a good living situation is critical within the next few months.

Besides housing, I'd say my biggest problem with cost of living is that I have not wanted to decrease food costs too low. I am interested in, and have previously adhered to, a carnivore diet (on this forum, I know at least BRUTE was interested in that as well). I'd like to continue doing that or at least keto, since I have seen studies linking the ketogenic diet to improved cognition for people with certain psychiatric diagnoses. I'm still figuring that out.

There's more I'd like to get into and learn about (making a budget, investing), but not in this post. To end on some good news, today I did some bike maintenance (maybe I'll make a post with some questions about that somewhere in a different subforum) and trimmed my hair a little. I need to do more of each of those things tomorrow. It was all free (well, for the bike, I had already bought tire levers and a replacement inner tube).

[Scordatura]

Welcome to the forum!

I'm not an exemplar of ERE lifestyle either. I say do it imperfectly until the skillset is mastered.

I look forward to reading what you write.

[delay]

Welcome and thanks for sharing your journey! Housing and meat are becoming expensive everywhere it seems.

Besides housing, I'd say my biggest problem with cost of living is that I have not wanted to decrease food costs too low. I am interested in, and have previously adhered to, a carnivore diet (on this forum, I know at least BRUTE was interested in that as well). I'd like to continue doing that or at least keto, since I have seen studies linking the ketogenic diet to improved cognition for people with certain psychiatric diagnoses. I'm still figuring that out.

Keto is one of the few diets I couldn't stick to. My condition dropped quickly and I suffered from bleeding lips and skin. I've done other diets successfully, losing over 40 lbs more than 10 times, but the weight always came back. I eventually found intermittent fasting (an eating window between 14:00 and 20:00) and that's been working for 2 years now. I think eating whole food (like vegetables, meat, fruit and milk) helps the intermittent fasting work.

Best of luck, and looking forward to read how your diet journey unfolds!

[gradus]

Today I walked to a free event at a library to get some advice on a programming/research problem I am interested in. I ate pizza there... because it was free. As much as I like to think that I have principles when it comes to diet, if I looked at my actual behavior over the past few months, I've made a lot of exceptions. For now I will try whole food as mentioned, which makes it easier to eat cheaply. Next week I am seeing a doctor who specializes in keto with respect to mental health so I will see what they say, too.

Last week I did a lot of walking- I went to a free classical concert (at a different library, actually) and transportation was free since I walked there and back. Took a few hours, but it was a beautiful day. I did pay for public transit after seeing an apartment.

I have been cutting my hair in small iterations over several days. I think it needs only a little more work. This is the most satisfied I've been with it in a long time, and it has been fun to figure it out! Previously I had disliked haircuts, having had several bad ones, one of which was self-inflicted. But I'm getting the feeling that this was doable, and so is e.g. bike repair, and isn't it great to have autonomy?

I had read in someone's journal about their gaining a sense of autonomy- kind of a vague memory, and I guess that's the whole program of ERE, but it was specifically psychological. It's kind of hard for me to state right now, but I feel like I'm on the edge of that- realizing I am in control of the important things in my life. I'm not sure how to keep this integrated in my life when/if going back to normal employment (ideally, trying to learn new useful skills continuously outside of work and/or creating things/art, if I have the energy). For now I am simply appreciating it.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Welcome, gradus! Don't beat yourself up about the pizza or bigger apartment. Just take any actionable data and continue *gradu*ally improving (hur hur, seewhatIdidthere). I'm curious about what the keto doctor says, too, but in my experience diet is just one part of the mental health puzzle. There's diet, hydration, exercise, down time, social time, challenges, connection, medication, environment, self-talk, self-perception, and on and on and on, and it's a long process to learn how to identify and configure all of the pieces so your mental health is "optimal." Pieces which, on top of everything, are unique to you. And then of course, as soon as you figure out the puzzle, life will overturn the table.

And heck yeah, hair cutting and bike repair are totally doable. We've been trained that these are things that we need to outsource to "professionals," but that's just silly. I cut my husband's hair all of the time. I cut my own hair a few times, too, but it always came out horrible, so instead I went just once a year to a lady who specialized in curly hair (for $80!, ridiculous), and now I just let this shit go, I mean grow. I get so many more compliments on my wild, natural hair than when I was I flattening and cutting it all the time to "fit in" with the professional environments I snaked through in my late 20s. That said, it is way easier to have someone else cut your hair, so maybe get a hair cutting buddy or SO and you can cut each other's hair? And free yet another soul from their reliance on the hair styling industrial complex!

Thanks for mentioning @BRUTE. I'm glad new members read that far back. RIP BRUTE (maybe from clogged arteries).

[gradus]

Since the last entry I
-wrote some music for piano
-practically emptied my apartment's basement storage space. Much of it has been emptied into my apartment, but I am sorting it and have been getting rid of things I have not used or thought about in months, which feels great. I have to do this since I anticipate having significantly less space in my next living, um, space.
-read "Solaris" by Stanislaw Lem. I liked the book, though the very end was a bit lackluster. It's about a planet which makes imitation people as a form of first contact with astronauts, but specifically people from the astronauts' previous personal lives. I have to wonder if Lem is intentionally riffing on "women are from Venus". Also, I watched Neon Genesis Evangelion when I was in college and I think they took some cues from Solaris (specifically, in the Kaworu episode and the movie).
-Sewed a flap of fabric onto a laundry bag to make the lid larger- to make a better carrying case for a custom musical instrument I worked on last year (the bag still needs work, like some buttons as lid fasteners).
-Sorted through files to discard and shredded a lot which I no longer need, another thing which feels like a relief
-messaged an even cheaper craigslist housing post, but they haven't gotten back to me yet
-had intake call with the keto doctor- I will get a referral to a nutritionist/dietitian, but if it's comparable in price to the full medical package they are selling, I won't do it (they don't take insurance). I expect I will need to figure it out myself.
-picked up "Development of the Creative Individual" from the library- I saw it posted in a thread on this site and couldn't find the PDF anywhere. Thanks to public libraries I can still read the book for free. I haven't read it in depth yet. While skimming it I saw a graph illustrating a difference between groups of people of different intelligence (or creativity?) which was just a bar graph with no labels on the axes, so I don't know how subjective this sort of writing is going to be. I will find out.

@Biscuits, the pun you made is really the reason I chose my username - "gradus ad parnassum". And re clogged arteries, I know some people have gotten the carnivore diet to work for them (even if I have not- yesterday I went on a long walk through the city with my friend and ate several bananas to keep my blood sugar up), so let's hope BRUTE is still out there...

There really is a lot to the puzzle though, especially socializing. I am going to visit some family tomorrow. I did spend money on transit but I got the cheapest option I could. Social interaction is very important for my psyche and I'm still not sure how to distribute it throughout the (typical work) week so I maintain sanity. Sometimes I have had long walks with my friend and then by the next day I feel isolated, so I don't understand it. I know many people on this forum subscribe to the model of Spiral Dynamics so I will look at that to see if it can shed any light on how my own psychology works... and also read "Creative Individual" as mentioned...

There are plenty of events to attend in this city, many of them even free, but that is not the same as meaningful social relationships. I do have my college friends who like to walk around the city with me. Really what I miss is a college dorm setting, casually seeing a group of people every day; so I am looking at renting a room in a house somewhere further out from the city center (which will also save me money). And, posting here has been good too.

[gradus]

Short update (visiting family):

Having read some of "Creative Individual" I take back what I said previously. I don't think that quantitative analysis is the point of the book.

I looked a little into SD and I think the model-building which I said I appreciated is within vYellow. Thinking in these terms has been useful...

more later.

[gradus]

I have
-found an apartment and signed a lease where I'll be paying rent (not incl. utils) under a goal number I had set-- edit: they got back to me and said someone else is getting the room, even though I had already signed; but I'm following up with a different apartment at a slightly lower price. It doesn't have a common living room, just a kitchen, so if I stay with my current job then I'll have to see what it's like having so little space to do things, where the space is also my workplace. Ideally not much different from my previous apartment which was similar, except now, for not that much more rent, I am in the city which I wanted to live in.
-been emptying my apartment of possessions. Yesterday I carried sheet music to a bookstore to sell it - got a little exercise holding it up while walking, and then got the double payoff of cash and weight off my carrying arm.
-written a list for the 100-things minimalism challenge, more like 105-110 so far. It's quite motivating having a smaller space to move into.
-been paying a lot more attention to what I am spending on food. I'm glad bananas are cheap.
-started cooking more (simple meals). I'm adhering to the Specific Carbohydrate Diet as I do have some stomach issues, and so far my stomach actually feels alright, most of the time. How much was work-stress-related as well, I'm not sure, but I think it's almost entirely just the diet. I was interested in carnivory since I have found the need to keep my blood sugar up to be mildly annoying, and I didn't like making meals every day which involved thought. But I cheated on that diet a lot, and I was spending a lot on meat then which I don't want to do now, and I have found that I do enjoy cooking.
-learned that my left eye is astigmatic and that I need glasses - more like "want glasses", since I've been living with this problem for several years out of stubbornness. If the treatment were e.g. take a very specific medicine, I would still probably not do it, but glasses are fine. People with glasses, how often do you need to get new ones? It seems to me like they are glass and frames and shouldn't need replacing too often unless they break.

Today I went to a sports game which is not something I will repeat but it was a bucket-list item. I brought food, and I wasn't allowed to bring it in :^( But it was good being around so many people! Which reminds me, I am looking into some regular free events so that I don't feel so isolated... I don't know exactly what does it but I feel separate from other people a lot, in a somewhat adolescent way. Part of it is the distance of small talk vs e.g. dorm living, but I also need to improve at conversation and really seeing another person as an end and not a means. Miraculously, a good friend of mine is very aligned with ERE principles and I meet up with him every week to talk about music (and next, math). And in my next apartment I will probably have roommates. Hopefully they will be friendly and this can help with the specific feeling I get on Tuesdays when I haven't had much conversation since Monday morning and I feel a bit like an animal in a large box.

[Mousse]

People with glasses, how often do you need to get new ones? It seems to me like they are glass and frames and shouldn't need replacing too often unless they break.

I only change mine when my prescription changes. I did break a pair once by cleaning it too vigorously, so it depends on your clumsiness level, too (Even then, a bit of adhesive tape kept that pair going for another few months.)

[zbigi]

Really what I miss is a college dorm setting, casually seeing a group of people every day; so I am looking at renting a room in a house somewhere further out from the city center (which will also save me money).

This is hard to replicate in my experience. In college dorm, you live with people with similar background, in the same stage of life, who you share common adversities with (preparing to exams etc.). Also, you all just have plenty of spare time to hang out. Whereas "grownups" living together are usually pretty tired from work where they spent majority of their time (so socialization is limited), may not have that much in common etc. Of course, it may work out, but it's much less automatic than in the college setting.

[delay]

Thanks for your journal update!

-started cooking more (simple meals). I'm adhering to the Specific Carbohydrate Diet as I do have some stomach issues, and so far my stomach actually feels alright, most of the time. How much was work-stress-related as well, I'm not sure, but I think it's almost entirely just the diet. I was interested in carnivory since I have found the need to keep my blood sugar up to be mildly annoying, and I didn't like making meals every day which involved thought. But I cheated on that diet a lot, and I was spending a lot on meat then which I don't want to do now, and I have found that I do enjoy cooking.

I'm always interesting in diets. A search says a "specific carbohydrate diet eliminates select carbohydrates from your diet." And "carnivory" sounds like a high fat low carbohydrate diet like keto. Can't say I tried the first. I remember "carnivory" leads to quick weight loss without feelings of hunger. But I quickly got health issues like skin rash and difficulty during long runs, so I stopped after a two months.

How do these diets work in practice for you? How fast and how much weight is lost, and how long is the lower weight maintained?

People with glasses, how often do you need to get new ones? It seems to me like they are glass and frames and shouldn't need replacing too often unless they break.

About a decade ago I thought I might need glasses. I visited the optician and he confirmed, and another optician gave the same numbers. So I bought glasses. However, I only wore them a few times, it turns out I don't mind seeing the world a little vague. So I never buy new glasses.

[gradus]

OK, if I get glasses I'll try to be careful with them- and I might not use them all the time either. And, sad to hear more confirmation of the trope that working life is pretty atomized, but at least this forum exists...

How do these diets work in practice for you? How fast and how much weight is lost, and how long is the lower weight maintained?

I didn't make it very clear, but I'm not dieting for weight loss, I am naturally slim, for now. (My father is too, so I hope this continues as I age.) At first I got into carnivory because of the keto-psychiatric link, and then stayed with it for some time out of laziness (just throw a rib steak on cast iron and eat), stubbornness (again) and I suppose some enjoyment of doing something atypical. Typical dietary advice is vague, and even the idea of a diversified diet strikes me as throw-it-all-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks (and also reminds me of financial advice of diversification). And now I'm thinking about different diets because I've been reminded that I have some gastro problems. So far I've been feeling well with the SCD, and I enjoy having a set of rules which eliminates junk food for a specific (ha!) reason.

I did find that I could eat one large meal a day with the carnivore diet and I do like that, so if I figure out how to minimize cheating on that diet, I may revisit it eventually.

The name SCD refers to allowing monosaccharides (glucose, fructose, galactose, maybe others) as sugars but nothing more complicated - so lactose is out, and the diet has a specific way to make yogurt with no lactose... I tried using my dutch oven but I couldn't maintain 100-110 deg F as needed and I don't want to have a specialized yogurt maker, so for now I'm not doing that part. Also potatoes and grains are out of the SCD, which I am fine with since I've noticed that sometimes they make me lose focus later on after eating, and I have a personal dislike of grains.*

*I see them as something "humans should not be eating" - which I'm not going to argue to anyone else... but to me there is something bizarre about an animal (human) breeding a type of wheat, grinding it up into a paste, letting yeast fart/burp into the paste, and then putting all of that into an oven, and eating it, and incorporating it into religions (Christianity). (Fruits are also a result of contrived selective breeding and agriculture, and I eat those, so this is why I'm not trying to push anything on anyone.)

[Scordatura]

Regarding the diet, it's pretty obvious that the human race has been running an uncontrolled bioengineering experiment upon itself. I suspect the devil really is in the details. We have food abundance in ways we never have historically, and new lifestyle diseases concomitantly.

Knowing one's own genetics and what foods do what seem to be a reliable next step, but I think most people are actually stuck on the psychological layer. I know I am. I eat mostly like I was raised (with modifications).

Regarding the dorm/ social structure: YOU let me know when you figure it out. My solution so far is to juggle friendships on history or interest, and to structure my life so I am overlapping my work time with a variety of people. My living arrangements have historically been more withdrawn. I think the closest adult thing to dorm life would be either military service or running an apartment complex.

[delay]

And now I'm thinking about different diets because I've been reminded that I have some gastro problems.

Thanks for your reply, interesting! If you need to be reminded of gastro problems, they can't be that bad? Or did you mean your gastrointestinal tract itself sent you a reminder?

The name SCD refers to allowing monosaccharides (glucose, fructose, galactose, maybe others) as sugars but nothing more complicated - so lactose is out, and the diet has a specific way to make yogurt with no lactose... I tried using my dutch oven but I couldn't maintain 100-110 deg F as needed and I don't want to have a specialized yogurt maker, so for now I'm not doing that part. Also potatoes and grains are out of the SCD, which I am fine with

The Roman army brought millstones with them to grind grain. Every group of 8 soldiers (a contubernium) carried their own millstone. The grain they used was "foraged" from the farmlands they marched through. These were professional soldiers who served for 25 years or more and were in superhuman condition by today's standards. This has me convinced grain is not unhealthy.

On milk, I like fresh milk and can't get enough of it! I cycle to the farm every week for a refill. They also sell yoghurt.

I'm Dutch, but had to look up what a "Dutch oven" is. If I googled correctly, it's like a cast-iron pan you can put on a fire? Amazing if you can make your own yoghurt, I asked the farmer how he does it, and it didn't sound simple.

[gradus]

@delay, the reminders were stomach pain. It's unclear because my diet was atypical, but now the SCD should address both that and the stomach condition.

Re: contubernia, that's an interesting image. Reminds me of the Iliad: "plenty of grain to build [the horses'] racing speed".

And yep, that's what a dutch oven is; hopefully I can find a way to maintain the right temperature so I can use it to make the SCD yogurt (which besides that, really just takes some time, not too complicated).

@Scordatura: I'm going to free social events, but I find that I make friends best with frequent mundane exposure - a dorm was perfect for this - so I'm looking at recurring events. I'm grateful for the friends I already have, like the one with whom I discuss music and math. (Also, maybe I'll look into ERE meetups this fall/winter once things are more settled.)

Unless another person reneges on a lease I have signed, I will be moving to an apartment in September with a rent+utils (not including internet) of juuust under 1 JAFI, and while I know that is a number intended to encompass all one's expenses, I live in a major city and for now that will do. It's got shared bathrooms and kitchen, and not much storage space besides the room itself - basically I can keep my food in the fridge, saucepan etc in a cabinet, and bike by the door. I'd be working in my bedroom, and it's been a while since I've shared a living space with other people - so we'll see how it goes!

I'm trying to find the proper places for things (freecycle/drop off somewhere/sell) and I've been for the past week logging what I spend in a text document. I still have a lot of meat in the freezer so I'm not buying any of that and therefore grocery expenses aren't steady-state, but it's a start. I will post that at the start of July, either here or in a different thread...

I have been considering that since I live in a big city, where things can be sourced via freecycle etc, and many free events can be attended, and travel can be entirely by foot/bicycle- that I should do a buy nothing year. In the week since I have started the expenses.txt, I have only bought food, a little public transit, and a pair of glasses - and a therapist appointment but that hasn't helped as much as I thought it would, so I am canceling that, as there is a Buddhist center around here and that's free.

I have noticed a greater feeling of agency again. For a little while I was fantasizing about switching jobs. I felt trapped in the job which I am currently taking a break from. I'm still not sure about it, because it feels like I'm siloing myself. I guess that happens in any job but I worry that the quantitative side of my brain is not getting any use. (Thus, I'm hoping I can find some interesting math to learn with my friend.) I had a hope to switch to quantitative finance, even though I have no experience, very little knowledge, and few connections, and there are many downsides to that work (soulless, commuting, corporate culture, job is tied to whims of market, very competitive, stressful). I think it's my subconscious telling me I need to do more with my own money than just hold it in a HYSA, and pay less in rent so that I can actually save money. And start reading the investments threads, and do paper trading- not right now but soon. Maybe all I need is to write some python scripts and make some trades, and not have a complete career overhaul.

[gradus]

Most of the stuff I wanted to get rid of is gone, thanks to freecycle and goodwill. I took my bike today to talk about math with my friend, and now I need to do more reading since he is far ahead of me in the book we're looking at. I'm spending more than what is ideal, but it's almost entirely on groceries: instead of buying prepared food at a markup, I'm buying fruit and cheese at the store. It's still not the cheapest option, but for now it's something.

I've been playing guitar very frequently, and I've noticed that I understand the fretboard a lot better than a few months ago. I had told someone at a free casual badminton event that I was learning guitar and his question was "what songs?"- I'm not really learning songs, besides picking out melodies I like (Chopin fantasie-impromptu middle section, jesu joy of man's desiring, that type of thing) as well as occasionally composing my own riffs and songs.

While I don't love the job which I'm taking a break from, it might not be the end of the world if I go back to it, assuming I can hit the ground running and get enough done if/once I start back up. That said, I emailed a professor today since I had an idea for a research project and if there is any chance it could be done within a university, then that would be something new and exciting. Maybe you can tell from my writing so far, but I think the maxim "wherever you go, there you are" definitely applies to me, and I do fear switching to something else and a year in realizing it's really no better than what I had had before. Fear isn't the right way to look at things though!

I've been cooking a bit more and it still disappoints me how much I need to eat and how frequently. I'm not saying it's necessarily a lot compared to other people, but ideally I would not have to think about food ever; I would definitely be a Soylent person if I weren't allergic and also didn't worry about e.g. phytoestrogens. I did have some success mealprepping last Sunday but I didn't make enough and ate several servings within a day. Lesson: make a lot more next time.

Pretty mundane stuff, but I wanted to post anyway. I'll post a log of expenses in a few days.

[gradus]

Since 13 June, I have logged expenses in a text document (not including rent which, given that I am lowering it to a more reasonable number very soon, I am trying not to think about). I tried not to spend on much more than food. Due to my reluctance to take grocery expenses to the absolute minimum, I have given myself the limit of 1 JAFI for food. Maybe by September I'll lower that number. (Also, I'm not going to keep giving categories a limit of 1 JAFI; rent+utils and food are the main things, and this will segue nicely into a buy-nothing year.)

Expenses logged in the past 19 days:
430.44 groceries
58.94 for monthly internet bill

14.09 shoes since old ones had holes in the soles
21.90 glasses (which work well! I can read in 3D again.)

35 therapist appointment (discontinued)
1.65 international stamp (I was getting rid of things and had a postcard I wanted to send to a relative)

5 donation to zen center for a meal
29 bike tire which I don't even need yet- I was at the bike shop using their stand and tools, and felt almost obliged to buy something. I just needed to pump much more air in the tires but I wasn't sure if there was also an issue with the old tire leading to the tube slipping and bunching up. This and the above are both cases where out of some social awkwardness, I spent money when it was not actually necessary- I just need to remind myself that the other parties didn't really care if I spent money or not! I can use the bike tire eventually, and it takes up little space, so it's fine.

On August 1st I will post expenses for the month of July, more comprehensive than these because they will include some utilities etc. which are on autopay and I haven't been thinking about.