Journal

[berrytwo]

I quit…

A cute on paper job turned into my own personal hell. I was becoming rapidly more and more miserable. I kept trying to convince myself that I would feel better, that I just needed to push through.

Last night I put in my two week notice and I feel a huge weight off my shoulders, kind of. I still feel a lot of woulda coulda shouldas. I am ready to start a new chapter, and let this one out to rest. I feel proud of myself.

Been super into attachment theory recently and internal family systems (IFS). Been giving a lot of nurturing/ soothing to the parts of me that are scared, anxious, and have been through the absolute ringer the last few months.

[AxelHeyst]

I'm happy to hear that you're moving out of a bad situation -- although the experience sounds bad, I always feel something positive when I take action to remove myself from/fix/resolve a situation that isn't working for me. I think you rightly feel proud of yourself. Looking forward to hearing about the next chapter. Are you planning or intending a period of rest/rejuvenation? I've been doing some thinking about how to approach with intention the space in between phases. Shutting down and getting closure on the one, spinning up and preparing to show up for the next. I'm interested in how you navigate it.

Best wishes riding the final week out.

[berrytwo]

Thanks so much AH! I appreciate the well wishes. I am free!!! Still trying to name exactly what I need for this next chapter. I am looking for rejuvenation for sure. I learned some big lessons during this experiment, and I think that is the next step is really getting clear on what those lessons are. Lots of shadow stuff came out of me with this job, so I have a lot to sift though. Have slowly been making my peace with ending this job, doing some closure-ish things, and can imagine doing some more as well. I appreciate what you said around bringing intention around ending one thing and starting the next. I have a tendency sometimes to have one foot in one foot out or for there to be a little ambiguity of if I am doing something or not. It makes me think about taking up brain cycles deciding or processing things that could be fully in or fully out.

I have a weird amount of energy that I may find it challenging to channel in the same way. I am someone who needs a high degree of structure and I have found it challenging to self-motivate to be in my masc without external pressure. My goal is not to be totally in my Te, but producing vs. just doing a lot of consuming.

B7 got two books from the library for me (I believe both forum recs?) The Art of Impossible and The Glass Bead Game. I almost never read fiction, but he is obsessed with it enough for me to be convinced to read it. The Art of Impossible seems like yellow-spiral ish, and is my typical thing that I gravitate towards. I feel like they both should be relevant.

[7Wannabe5]

"Cute on paper" in the education field can be difficult in actuality, because too much detail work. I prefer the more chaotic settings, because feeling of accomplishment if you just make it to the end of the day with everybody intact and maybe one new minor meme installed.

I am someone who needs a high degree of structure and I have found it challenging to self-motivate to be in my masc without external pressure. My goal is not to be totally in my Te, but producing vs. just doing a lot of consuming.

I find that housework and other maintenance activities actually engage and consume a good deal of masculine "killer" energy. For example, weeding a garden requires semi-conscious decision matrix of "You die. You live. You die. You live." And the same goes for vacuuming up the dust mites, emptying the vacuum canister, and then vanquishing them to the dumpster or maybe hot compost. It's also the case that a good deal of household production can simply be described as "processing." Vegetables become salad, basket of laundry from the dryer or line becomes folded laundry, etc. And this can be expanded to fit the time you provide for it pretty much endlessly in terms of both quantity and quality. It can even infinitely extend to maintenance and improvement of one's own body. So, defining the time and space boundaries of your "room of your own" in which you choose to engage in creative work or production is likely the most critical structural element.

[berrytwo]

I find that housework and other maintenance activities actually engage and consume a good deal of masculine "killer" energy. For example, weeding a garden. It can even infinitely extend to maintenance and improvement of one's own body.

Actually, just got some gardening things just this last week! I like that it can get me into the physical world. My kettlebells are now outside as well so I can lift after digging up a few weeds. Today I planted some cucumber and lettuce in the garden bed. Prepping my garden and getting it started has got me reflecting about how classically homeotelic this hobby is.

So, defining the time and space boundaries of your "room of your own" in which you choose to engage in creative work or production is likely the most critical structural element.

Having clear distinctions of when I am "on" and not. When not working a ton, I can just have a long hum of feeling like I should be doing something. With regular jobs there can be a more clear distinction between work and leisure, vs. people that work for themselves can always be on unless lines are drawn. I like to have a clear channel to put work into. Reminds me of GTD and having clear projects. It is funny though that sometimes they talk about "higher levels" being not having much distinction at all between work and play.

[7Wannabe5]

I think the lack of distinction between work and play can occur at different levels. For example, I can easily putter about all day in work/play mode OR I can be in much higher level creative flow which is towards work/play. Analogous to maybe the difference between reading a light, cozy novel vs. reading a truly great book. The amusing thing is that even my lowest level "puttering" mode makes me a great housemate, because the lowest level work I tend towards doing is housework. For example, a non-productive day for me would be "f*cked about on the internet", "read 2 cozy mysteries", "did 4 loads of laundry", "made pot of soup and baked a pie." I automagically do a variety of household tasks in thoroughly absent-minded mode whenever I "stretch my legs" away from reading/writing/studying.

[berrytwo]

Jumbled Update:

Been reading 10/10 book that uses systems theory for understanding the mind. The book is called No Bad Parts and the framework is called Internal Family Systems. It is Plotkin Wild Mind meets Donella Meadows (he regularly quotes her). IFS views the mind as a complex, adaptive system composed of distinct but interrelated “parts,” each with its own perspective, feelings, and role. Basically, it teaches how to actually change paradigms within one self, by bringing compassionate curiosity and holistic understanding to the Parts of ourselves (essentially sub-personalities). Highly recommend it if you are into that sort of thing.

I joined a friend in the kick off to Portland’s Bike Summer. I rode with 3-4000 people through the streets of Portland. It was really fun, and I'm looking forward to doing some more group rides this summer.

I am applying to grad school to be a therapist, could be this year, next year, or in a bit depending on how things fall. After many a WOG and interviews with a lot of different folks, it feels good to have some clarity of direction. This is the type of hard that I am looking for. I am not super entrepreneurial, it just really is not in my wiring. When I have explored my freedom to, the main form of contribution I want to do is helping change internal paradigms through talk based methods, essentially doing therapy, but not running a business. Anyway, excited about what is to come with it.

[7Wannabe5]

Interesting. I have added to my stack, because that is pretty much exactly how I think about my own mind. I am currently (once again )working on getting in touch with and caring for my juvenile feminine towards then being able to appropriately express or activate my adult masculine. Or in simpler terms, basically doing some values clarification and self-care prior to gearing up towards getting things done. My sticking point seems to be how I am simultaneously lousy yet dependent upon creating routine/organizing/making lists with my 4th position (baby in the back seat) Si.

[berrytwo]

@7 Sounds like moving towards eNFP with Te in the third function as opposed to going straight to to ENTJ. IFS would look at these parts and the relationship with them and ask if they are burdened with something. For instance little Si might feel bullied or feel like they are not good enough, and IFS looks to support these parts rather than control them, using the Self as the leverage point. There is also the aspect of blending that I find really interesting which is where different parts become fused to each other or to our-selves. The process of parts work is to unblend these parts and support them so that they can be reassigned a role that feels better for everyone.

[7Wannabe5]

Yeah, when I think about going straight to ENTJ, my thought is "Being an asshole is way too exhausting." Also, I do think that maybe my baby Si and my tiny Fi kind of blend to form my "dumb blonde" or spirit animal The Bunny juvenile feminine persona. Or maybe it's just feminized version of iNTP "absent-minded professor." The super dopey feeling like you have no "alertness" chemicals in your body.