@theanimal: I'm glad you brought this up. DH and I been monitoring Portland (Oregon) closely. At this point, neither of us can stomach any more urban disorder so we're heading to the suburbs of Portland for at least a year.
@Slevin: Thank you for sharing the blues. It raised my spirits. And you're right - money goes a lot further in the Portland area so if we eventually decide to buy there, it would be in a nicer area than we can presently afford in the Bay Area.
@Frita: You hit the nail on the head. Safety is foundational to wellbeing. Right now, it's taking tremendous energy to keep pushing forward and make the move happen, but we're plodding through based on the conviction that our lives will improve on the other side.
@Henry: You make a good point about the energy that's involved in a remodel. In this case, however, our involvement would be minimal. We wouldn't be living here anymore, and our realtor would make the design decisions and handle the contractor (with our input and approval, of course). Plus, we'll be renting temporarily so we won't need to expend energy on fixing up a new place.
Ordinarily I'd agree that remodeling a kitchen to sell a house doesn't make financial sense. But keep in mind that every home is different and there are nuances to each housing market. Our kitchen isn't just slightly outdated; it's practically a 1930s capsule. Most people in developed nations wouldn't recognize it as a viable cooking facility. At a minimum, the kitchen needs a refresh.
Our realtor is monitoring the situation very carefully. An elderly neighbor recently passed away and her house is going on the market as-is. A couple blocks away, a similar house that's been renovated just sold. The sale prices will help determine our course of action.
Llorona's Log, Take II
Dumpster Fire. Let It Burn.
Preamble
Very little of what I'm writing about today has to do with early retirement from a financial perspective or even a philsophical one. I'm making decisions based on survival and getting through this whole ordeal. I'm not in place where I can expend energy pinching pennies or DIY-ing. In some cases, I'm actually throwing money at problems to make them go away. And I don't care. Because wealth is relative to the time one has to enjoy it. If my husband and I die taking a bullet to the head (which is a not entirely unfounded possibility), the size of my bank account won't matter one whit.
I'm choosing to spend money to get us out of here. If I have work an extra six months or a year to make it up on the other side, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
With this said, I'm intentionally choosing to write on this forum because I have an established journal here. (Thank you, Jacob, for lettting me inhabit this corner of your parlor.) And because what I enjoy most about reading ERE journals isn't the dollars and cents; it's about insights into people's lives, the decisions they make, and their growth and transitions.
A City in Freefall
It's hard to believe how rapidly this city has plummeted in such a short time. Since my last journal entry two months ago, a neighbor was shot dead while trimming the hedges in his front yard. A month ago, DH and I witnessed an assault. He was later subpoenaed to testify. Last week, my partner's friend was shot and killed in a road rage accident. Three days ago, there was a shootout three blocks from my house in broad daylight. No one was injured as far as I know. Yesterday there was another shooting two blocks away from our house. This time someone was shot in the stomach.
The violence has left us feeling absolutely sickened. We originally were planning on moving next February but we have accelerated the timeline to leave California in ten weeks.
DH and I are in the process of downsizing by about 50%. We can't use a POD service because our stuff would get jacked so we're probably going to pay movers. We've thought about selling all of our furniture and belongings and starting over, but some of our furnishings have sentimental value and are irreplaceable. If hiring professional movers exceeds the cost of replacing our belongings, we'll rent a van and move the sentimental pieces ourselves.
Part of me wants to simply walk out the door and leave the house behind. But this would be dumb since we've got quite a bit of equity. Fortunately our realtor is investing a lot of time and energy in figuring out how to get it ready for sale. Most of the work will take place after we've moved out.
Body & Mind
The only reason I'm functioning is because I've been sunning myself, eating relatively decently, exercising like a lunatic, and escaping into video games. Some days are better than others. Mostly I'm treading water.
I don't feel safe anywhere. Not even in my own home. The police department instructed residents to harden our front doors and buy airhorns. Armed robberies and car jackings occur daily. I rarely go out and if I do anything social with a friend, it's definitely not in this city.
Most people who live in my city can relate, even the ones who have houses in nicer neighborhoods. Because while crime was once relegated to the "bad" neighborhoods, now it's pervasive.
Friends in other places simply cannot relate to what this is like, so I'm not talking or engaging with very many people right now. I don't have the energy to put on a happy false face. I'm probably going to jam outta here without saying very many goodbyes. I hope they understand.
My stomach hurts. The doctor thinks it could be gastritis. She wants to run a bunch of tests but since it's not life-critical I'll wait to get them done. In the meantime, I've given up diet soda in favor of water and it seems to be helping.
Love from a Distance
Both of my long-term romantic partners want to continue our relationship. My poly married partner and I have discussed this at length. Both of us acknowledge that our relationship will change but that our connection is worth sustaining. Our spouses are in full support of this. I'm not entirely sure what our relationship will look like logistically, but he will probably come to visit a few times a year and stay with us.
My monogamous autistic boyfriend plans on continuing to see me while trying to find a local poly partner. I'm uncertain as to how his transition to polyamory will play out and I forsee challenges. Although I'm not entirely optimistic that the romantic aspect of our relationship will continue, we've had a good run of it and I'd like to keep him as a friend.
Of note, I will miss his kids a great deal. Being married and all, getting to know a romantic partner's kids isn't something I ever imagined was in the cards. I've enjoyed being part of their lives without having to play a stepmother role. They've brought fun and joy to my life.
"That's Life"
Today the (house) painter came to look at our place and give us an estimate. He shared that he hasn't been back to his home country for more than 20 years and misses his parents but "that's life." Then he spoke about he struggles with the cost of living in the Bay Area and how he's thinking about moving his family to another state. It would mean dismantling his business and starting from scratch but "that's life."
He seems to have a healthy acceptance that shit happens. Whereas I maintain a certain sense of entitlement that life should be easy and fair. His philosophy aligns with Thich Nhat Hanh's teaching that accepting that you will suffer actually reduces suffering. I wonder if fighting it less and leaning into acceptance would help.
The Other Side
It's disconcerting not knowing where we will be living. Today I bought airine tickets for us to take a short scouting trip so we can tour apartments next month. We're going to be looking at places in the nice, boring burbs.
I can't visualize our future. It's hard to imagine taking a walk to get ice cream without looking over my shoulder. But that's the dream. And this is what DH and I are working toward every day.
Very little of what I'm writing about today has to do with early retirement from a financial perspective or even a philsophical one. I'm making decisions based on survival and getting through this whole ordeal. I'm not in place where I can expend energy pinching pennies or DIY-ing. In some cases, I'm actually throwing money at problems to make them go away. And I don't care. Because wealth is relative to the time one has to enjoy it. If my husband and I die taking a bullet to the head (which is a not entirely unfounded possibility), the size of my bank account won't matter one whit.
I'm choosing to spend money to get us out of here. If I have work an extra six months or a year to make it up on the other side, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
With this said, I'm intentionally choosing to write on this forum because I have an established journal here. (Thank you, Jacob, for lettting me inhabit this corner of your parlor.) And because what I enjoy most about reading ERE journals isn't the dollars and cents; it's about insights into people's lives, the decisions they make, and their growth and transitions.
A City in Freefall
It's hard to believe how rapidly this city has plummeted in such a short time. Since my last journal entry two months ago, a neighbor was shot dead while trimming the hedges in his front yard. A month ago, DH and I witnessed an assault. He was later subpoenaed to testify. Last week, my partner's friend was shot and killed in a road rage accident. Three days ago, there was a shootout three blocks from my house in broad daylight. No one was injured as far as I know. Yesterday there was another shooting two blocks away from our house. This time someone was shot in the stomach.
The violence has left us feeling absolutely sickened. We originally were planning on moving next February but we have accelerated the timeline to leave California in ten weeks.
DH and I are in the process of downsizing by about 50%. We can't use a POD service because our stuff would get jacked so we're probably going to pay movers. We've thought about selling all of our furniture and belongings and starting over, but some of our furnishings have sentimental value and are irreplaceable. If hiring professional movers exceeds the cost of replacing our belongings, we'll rent a van and move the sentimental pieces ourselves.
Part of me wants to simply walk out the door and leave the house behind. But this would be dumb since we've got quite a bit of equity. Fortunately our realtor is investing a lot of time and energy in figuring out how to get it ready for sale. Most of the work will take place after we've moved out.
Body & Mind
The only reason I'm functioning is because I've been sunning myself, eating relatively decently, exercising like a lunatic, and escaping into video games. Some days are better than others. Mostly I'm treading water.
I don't feel safe anywhere. Not even in my own home. The police department instructed residents to harden our front doors and buy airhorns. Armed robberies and car jackings occur daily. I rarely go out and if I do anything social with a friend, it's definitely not in this city.
Most people who live in my city can relate, even the ones who have houses in nicer neighborhoods. Because while crime was once relegated to the "bad" neighborhoods, now it's pervasive.
Friends in other places simply cannot relate to what this is like, so I'm not talking or engaging with very many people right now. I don't have the energy to put on a happy false face. I'm probably going to jam outta here without saying very many goodbyes. I hope they understand.
My stomach hurts. The doctor thinks it could be gastritis. She wants to run a bunch of tests but since it's not life-critical I'll wait to get them done. In the meantime, I've given up diet soda in favor of water and it seems to be helping.
Love from a Distance
Both of my long-term romantic partners want to continue our relationship. My poly married partner and I have discussed this at length. Both of us acknowledge that our relationship will change but that our connection is worth sustaining. Our spouses are in full support of this. I'm not entirely sure what our relationship will look like logistically, but he will probably come to visit a few times a year and stay with us.
My monogamous autistic boyfriend plans on continuing to see me while trying to find a local poly partner. I'm uncertain as to how his transition to polyamory will play out and I forsee challenges. Although I'm not entirely optimistic that the romantic aspect of our relationship will continue, we've had a good run of it and I'd like to keep him as a friend.
Of note, I will miss his kids a great deal. Being married and all, getting to know a romantic partner's kids isn't something I ever imagined was in the cards. I've enjoyed being part of their lives without having to play a stepmother role. They've brought fun and joy to my life.
"That's Life"
Today the (house) painter came to look at our place and give us an estimate. He shared that he hasn't been back to his home country for more than 20 years and misses his parents but "that's life." Then he spoke about he struggles with the cost of living in the Bay Area and how he's thinking about moving his family to another state. It would mean dismantling his business and starting from scratch but "that's life."
He seems to have a healthy acceptance that shit happens. Whereas I maintain a certain sense of entitlement that life should be easy and fair. His philosophy aligns with Thich Nhat Hanh's teaching that accepting that you will suffer actually reduces suffering. I wonder if fighting it less and leaning into acceptance would help.
The Other Side
It's disconcerting not knowing where we will be living. Today I bought airine tickets for us to take a short scouting trip so we can tour apartments next month. We're going to be looking at places in the nice, boring burbs.
I can't visualize our future. It's hard to imagine taking a walk to get ice cream without looking over my shoulder. But that's the dream. And this is what DH and I are working toward every day.
Re: Dumpster Fire. Let It Burn.
Don’t put off getting checked out. Like camera down the throat checked out. You do not know if this is life threatening or not. I’m sorry to bust your comfort bubble but hear me out.
I had my GP telling me I had dyspepsia for a year. A good friend listened to my story and said if the doctor didn’t do any tests he’s just guessing. Get to the bottom of it now. My friend was a cancer survivor thanks to early detection. So I kept pestering the specialists. They eventually found a walnut sized tumor lodged between my heart and esophagus. That was a year and a half after I started having pain. My idiot GP just kept waving his hands and guessing for a year. He freaked when he saw the cat scans of the tumor. He had relied on blood tests for inflammation markers that were all negative.
At 54 I’ve now buried a bunch of friends who had pains that turned out to be cancer. Three of them were under diagnosed for the critical months leading up to their stage 4 diagnosis. Stomach cancer in my FIL’s mistress (age 37). We found bottles of Pepto Bismol in her belongings when we cleaned up her room. She’d ignored the signs till her lymph nodes swelled up. Second my cousin was told he had ulcers for a year because his idiot doctor said it was impossible for a 29 year old to have cancer. It was colon cancer. Third one had ignored symptoms for years and when he got really sick. They found cancer in his bladder and kidneys which presumably started out in his prostate (age 52). The guy was totally fine and but he spun out into a battle with cancer and died a year after his diagnosis.
My intent is to scare you. Do not put off getting real data. Get put under and have an endoscopy.
-
Der Leiermann
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Mon May 11, 2020 5:32 am
Re: Llorona's Log, Take II
That’s sad to hear that your area has gone downhill that quickly, it does sound disconcerting.
Do you have any idea why it would deteriorate that quickly, apart from a lack of policing? From afar I would have thought that at least the high property prices would keep a fair bit of crime out.
Do you have any idea why it would deteriorate that quickly, apart from a lack of policing? From afar I would have thought that at least the high property prices would keep a fair bit of crime out.
Re: Llorona's Log, Take II
Jesus this sounds like South Africa not San Francisco. Sounds like you're definitely making the right decision to get out asap.
Re: Llorona's Log, Take II
Very sorry to hear about your predicament. Both of my parents grew up in Detroit, so as a child I witnessed this kind of rapid urban decline both in the neighborhood of my working-class maternal grandmother and my upper-middle-class paternal grandparents. My maternal grandmother was a very tough cookie, and didn't want to leave the little house she independently bought for herself after her second divorce, so she stayed there until she died in the mid 1990s, and even fought off a guy who tried to mug her in broad daylight in front of the grocery store at the end of her block. I do not recommend this strategy. Her neighborhood is still dangerous to the point of being virtually uninhabitable.
Re: Llorona's Log, Take II
It's time for an update. With this said, this will be my last post on this forum, for reasons articulated at the end of this post.
This is what happened.
DH and I moved to the PNW in the fall of 2023. We were fortunate to land in a city that's well-run and highly diverse. We rented an apartment for the first several months before deciding that we liked it well enough here to buy a house.
Logistically, the move went smoothly, including taking our cats on their first (and hopefully last) 600+ mile road trip. We were also grateful that our house in the Bay Area sold within a week and a half, even though it went on the market in the dead of winter.
Emotionally, relocating in mid-life was rough. In the Bay Area, my roots, both social and professional, ran deep. In stark contrast, we didn't know a soul when we moved up here. The first several months were extremely lonely, especially since we moved on the cusp of winter when folks tend to hibernate. As an introvert, I had to push beyond my comfort zone to make myself get out there. It's paid off, though. I've made four or five fairly close friends, along with quite a few casual connections through various communities.
Although external circumstances forced us to leave the Bay Area, DH and I have landed on our feet. Relocating has dramatically improved our overall quality of life. Our house is much larger, nicer, and newer than anything we could have afforded in California. We live in an extremely safe and blessedly boring community where I feel safe walking around at night alone. Because the region is less densely populated, we're able to go places without getting stuck in traffic. Nature is abundant, and I love living in a region with four distinct seasons. I ride my bike nearly every day, rain, shine, or snow.
I do miss certain aspects of California, namely diversity, which I took for granted most of my life. As a person of color, I stand out in some circles, which is a distinctly uncomfortable experience. I've encountered a fair bit of racism, mostly in the form of ignorance. In a world that's predominantly Black/Brown, I don't have patience or interest in teaching white folks how to interact with people of color. I've drawn my lines and learned to choose my circles carefully, aligning myself with people who demonstrate shared values and understanding. I've also been leaning more into my culture and volunteering for causes that support refugees and immigrants.
Professionally, I've been fortunate in that my California clients chose to continue working with me remotely. I've also had steady work these past few years, which has allowed me to grow my business. This may be changing, though, as federal funding cuts are disrupting the NGO and philanthropic sectors.
On the financial front, we're been doing well. DH and I walked off with around $450K from the sale of our house in California. We used this, plus some of our savings, to buy the house up here with cash. I also came into some money recently. (No one died, thankfully.)
The funny thing is that if we'd received this windfall a year or so earlier, DH and I might not have left California. We did toy with the idea of returning south, but ultimately, we like living up north. We want to see the seeds we've planted take root and blossom.
At this point, I'd say DH and I are financially secure. I could retire, but it would be leaner than I'd like. I also actually enjoy working most of the time -- my work has meaning, plus it keeps me intellectually and socially stimulated. It's possible I might never fully retire. Instead, we've moved into FIRE coast mode, and I've downshifted to working four part-time days per week (roughly 20-24 hours).
Relationship-wise, to no one's surprise but my own, neither of my long-term partnerships survived the distance. We flew out to see each other a few times, but the combination of distance and polyamory was tough. However, I met someone local about a year ago, and we've developed a very close and profound relationship. It looks like we might be moving toward some type of cohabitation, on no particular timeline. (DH is on board with it.) It will be interesting to see how this plays out.
As noted previously, this will be my last post. My values and lifestyle have moved away from the core of ERE. These days, I'm unapologetically investing in myself through therapy, language lessons, art classes, and -- eventually, when I have time -- music lessons. While I could probably learn for free from a book or YouTube, I greatly enjoy the social exchange and community that comes from learning with other people. I spend my disposable income on things that provide enjoyment, comfort, or meaning. For instance, when I travel abroad, I travel-hack my way into a business class ticket while paying to stay in nice hotels. I don't like lentils, so I don't force myself to eat them. Instead, I buy high-quality groceries to make delicious meals. Sometimes, I go on dates or socialize with friends restaurant meals without worrying about the cost. I enjoy fine dining once or twice a year to experience transcendental cuisine that I can't make myself.
On this note, my journal ends here. As far as ERE is concerned, I'm grateful to Jacob and the community for the wealth of ideas and nontraditional thinking. Early on, it helped change my mindset about consumerism and inspired me to save, which created a strong financial foundation. Thank you, and best to you all.
This is what happened.
DH and I moved to the PNW in the fall of 2023. We were fortunate to land in a city that's well-run and highly diverse. We rented an apartment for the first several months before deciding that we liked it well enough here to buy a house.
Logistically, the move went smoothly, including taking our cats on their first (and hopefully last) 600+ mile road trip. We were also grateful that our house in the Bay Area sold within a week and a half, even though it went on the market in the dead of winter.
Emotionally, relocating in mid-life was rough. In the Bay Area, my roots, both social and professional, ran deep. In stark contrast, we didn't know a soul when we moved up here. The first several months were extremely lonely, especially since we moved on the cusp of winter when folks tend to hibernate. As an introvert, I had to push beyond my comfort zone to make myself get out there. It's paid off, though. I've made four or five fairly close friends, along with quite a few casual connections through various communities.
Although external circumstances forced us to leave the Bay Area, DH and I have landed on our feet. Relocating has dramatically improved our overall quality of life. Our house is much larger, nicer, and newer than anything we could have afforded in California. We live in an extremely safe and blessedly boring community where I feel safe walking around at night alone. Because the region is less densely populated, we're able to go places without getting stuck in traffic. Nature is abundant, and I love living in a region with four distinct seasons. I ride my bike nearly every day, rain, shine, or snow.
I do miss certain aspects of California, namely diversity, which I took for granted most of my life. As a person of color, I stand out in some circles, which is a distinctly uncomfortable experience. I've encountered a fair bit of racism, mostly in the form of ignorance. In a world that's predominantly Black/Brown, I don't have patience or interest in teaching white folks how to interact with people of color. I've drawn my lines and learned to choose my circles carefully, aligning myself with people who demonstrate shared values and understanding. I've also been leaning more into my culture and volunteering for causes that support refugees and immigrants.
Professionally, I've been fortunate in that my California clients chose to continue working with me remotely. I've also had steady work these past few years, which has allowed me to grow my business. This may be changing, though, as federal funding cuts are disrupting the NGO and philanthropic sectors.
On the financial front, we're been doing well. DH and I walked off with around $450K from the sale of our house in California. We used this, plus some of our savings, to buy the house up here with cash. I also came into some money recently. (No one died, thankfully.)
The funny thing is that if we'd received this windfall a year or so earlier, DH and I might not have left California. We did toy with the idea of returning south, but ultimately, we like living up north. We want to see the seeds we've planted take root and blossom.
At this point, I'd say DH and I are financially secure. I could retire, but it would be leaner than I'd like. I also actually enjoy working most of the time -- my work has meaning, plus it keeps me intellectually and socially stimulated. It's possible I might never fully retire. Instead, we've moved into FIRE coast mode, and I've downshifted to working four part-time days per week (roughly 20-24 hours).
Relationship-wise, to no one's surprise but my own, neither of my long-term partnerships survived the distance. We flew out to see each other a few times, but the combination of distance and polyamory was tough. However, I met someone local about a year ago, and we've developed a very close and profound relationship. It looks like we might be moving toward some type of cohabitation, on no particular timeline. (DH is on board with it.) It will be interesting to see how this plays out.
As noted previously, this will be my last post. My values and lifestyle have moved away from the core of ERE. These days, I'm unapologetically investing in myself through therapy, language lessons, art classes, and -- eventually, when I have time -- music lessons. While I could probably learn for free from a book or YouTube, I greatly enjoy the social exchange and community that comes from learning with other people. I spend my disposable income on things that provide enjoyment, comfort, or meaning. For instance, when I travel abroad, I travel-hack my way into a business class ticket while paying to stay in nice hotels. I don't like lentils, so I don't force myself to eat them. Instead, I buy high-quality groceries to make delicious meals. Sometimes, I go on dates or socialize with friends restaurant meals without worrying about the cost. I enjoy fine dining once or twice a year to experience transcendental cuisine that I can't make myself.
On this note, my journal ends here. As far as ERE is concerned, I'm grateful to Jacob and the community for the wealth of ideas and nontraditional thinking. Early on, it helped change my mindset about consumerism and inspired me to save, which created a strong financial foundation. Thank you, and best to you all.
Re: Llorona's Log, Take II
I'm sorry you have gone llorna, but I am glad you have moved to a safe place.