mooretrees journal

[Biscuits and Gravy]

most likely having more fun than you.

Hahaha, without a doubt! Heh, the mittens. As a non-ADHD person, it can sometimes be really hard to be with an ADHD person (spouse or kid), because you do end up sewing their mittens to their coats in all sorts of ways and you start to resent always being the “responsible” one. Even after my ex and I divorced and we were living separately, he called me to ask me where his keys were… in his own effing house.

[7Wannabe5]

Yeah, I can grok that perspective. For instance, I didn't like how my genius eNTP friend had very loose boundaries around his household in terms of who floated in or out, and I had to deal with the fact that my ADHD sister wildly and wastefully abandons 5X as many half-finished coffee cups as I do. One way to possibly reframe it a bit is to see yourself as the "alert" one rather than the "responsible" one, and then take that to the other end of the spectrum where you are in the company of somebody who is so uptight they spray/wipe your seat with Mr.Clean the minute you get up from the kitchen table and have memorized the license plate numbers of all your more suspicious looking neighbors. One of the reasons I describe myself as "high-functioning" ADD and/or mild cyclothymic is that at one point around age 30, I hit absolute rock bottom and then trained myself to be VERY organized. So, now I am effectively more organized than the average human, although my natural tendency towards scattered does still manifest a bit at the edges of my system or when I am under stress. I practice minimalism not because I love the aesthetic, it seems a bit cold to me, but because I internalized the FlyLady mantra of "You can't clean clutter!"

I also consider myself "high functioning" because I am self-aware and I stand-up for myself against more normative standards if not respectfully expressed. For example, one memorable incident when my second husband lost it and yelled, "Stupid, you didn't shut the screen door and now there are mosquitos in the camper." (Imagine how much more insulting his British-Iranian accent made the word "stupid" sound), and we had to have "the talk" about how my absent-mindedness was not curable through yelling, and my boundary concerning being addressed disrespectfully was "packing my bags if you do not apologize and vow to learn better" firm.

[mooretrees]

@horsewoman. Thanks for your thoughts, I’m always happy to see you posting. I notice myself thinking those negative thoughts about DH or DS, like ‘just try harder’ or something similar. I’ve been catching myself (more and more) before I say them. DH for sure has heard it from the wider world his whole life. And if I can train myself to do better with DS, I hope he won’t hear that stuff as much at home. Outside the home, well, that’s out of my hands.

I’m pretty new to this world, but I’m enjoying the learning I’m doing right now. Tonight I put into practice, a little clumsily, one of the mindfulness practices the OT suggested. The framework was color based emotions. DS got to red (anger, rage etc) before I could notice and intervene. Whatever I was doing wasn’t helping him come out of it, and we needed to get going to bedtime. Finally I remembered the colors. I gave him a couple of options to help him move his body out of the bad energy and he didn’t like them. Finally, I suggested snuggling (which I really didn’t want to do but something had to shift) and that helped us both. So, when I remember to try these new ideas, they can be helpful.

@Biscuits and Gravy Well, school was a struggle sometimes for DS. Definitely had a few office visits and recess blow ups. A dear friend recently explained her philosophy about school troubles. Her kid is early 30’s now and he was a challenging kid. Anyway, she never punished him, she felt like the school had already done that so why add more to it? I took the tactic of trying to meet with the teacher and problem solving things as they came up. Examples of things we problem solved over this year: keeping his hands to himself during hallway time, interrupting the teacher during teaching time. We got lucky with his teacher and she really welcomed any suggestions we had. One thing I insisted on was if they took recess away from him, he had to walk instead of sitting. It’s ridiculous to make a kid sit at recess, but I had to ask for that.

The other thing that may have helped was getting to know the school counselor. DS was in several ‘boy’s clubs’ for boys that needed some extra guidance for emotional support. I hope to get him in it earlier next school year. Universally, the teachers love DS, he is sweet and enthusiastic and not the worst offender out there. I’m glad summer is here and I need to go to sleep!

[NewBlood]

We are reading/listening to How To ADHD and seeing an occupational therapist weekly for behavioral support. I’m getting a lot out of the occupational therapy and will continue it as long as it keeps helping. The changes to my parenting style are slow going, but some progress is happening.

Kudos to you for seeking a diagnosis and using resources to help your son out! My brother was/is definitely some kind of hyperactive and suffered greatly as a kid because of it, always getting scolded/punished by my parents and at school. A couple of years ago he got himself some fidget toys that seem to help a bit. And then the other day, talking with my mom about an upcoming family trip, I mentioned in passing I'd rather share a room with my other brother whose energy better matches mine and apparently, she had never noticed that he's constantly fidgeting and needs a lot of stimulation... Go figure...

At least your son has a parent who seeks to understand and help him, that's huge.

Good luck with all of it, ex-SO had ADHD and that was exhausting and frustrating. Not the reason we parted ways, but it for sure didn't help.

[mooretrees]

It’s August already? Almost September too. I’ve got some time now that DS is back in school for a long overdue update.

Health:
I’m on month five of consistently hitting 3 full body lifting sessions a week. I can tell. I’ve also started counting calories, focusing on a high protein goal. I use an app, macrofactor for the calorie counting. It’s been shocking to learn how much I overate. Also, it’s still a struggle to hit over 100 grams of protein a day, so who knows what I was actually eating before. I’ve lost 12 or so pounds, hopefully all fat pounds. I did a DEXA scan in July while visiting my parents. I was good on visceral fat, low end of healthy for lean muscle mass and at 31% body fat. I’ll do another scan in October when visiting my folks again. I don’t think I’ll do it again after that. My initial goal is to get into the low-20’s for body fat. It will take some time, but I hope to be somewhere in mid/upper 20’s in October.

Next up for fitness is to start trail running and sprint training. Both will be challenging as I’m still struggling with tight calves and an Achilles that over reacts to running. I’ll do the sprinting on some machine or swimming, something to get the fitness benefits but reduce the negative impact from running.

Family:
My parents have got a time frame to move out of their long term home into a retirement community. The kids are all helping with this transition and it’s fairly low drama actually. I am pleased with my parents and how they are making changes without a crisis spurning them.

DS is back in school. We’ve biked to school twice and it’s totally feasible for us to continue to do this while the weather is ok. He starts a running group after school this week and I’ll take him swimming at least once a week. He’s not quite ready for swim team, so getting him into swimming shape is my focus. When I take him to school, almost all of the teachers know his name, he hugs his principle and primary teacher. I’m really happy with how much he loves school and feels comfortable there.

Drugs:
He’s on an extended dose of Ritalin. I believe it is helping him pretty significantly. We have an appointment with his pediatrician next month to review his dosage. The changes I’ve seen so far include: easier time reading, following directions, and fewer huge emotional outbursts. I’m excited to see how he does at school this year. We’re also continuing with the occupation therapist and in school small groups with the counselor. I feel concern that he’s medicated AND that it’s helping. It’s interesting to worry and see him having positive experiences being medicated.

I’m meeting with my gyno next week to talk hormone therapy. I think I should have been on hormones last year. I’m excited to see what benefits I get.

Work:
DH got a job. He’s going to be at the same hospital in the lab, but doing histology (dealing with tissue not fluids). It is 16 hrs a week, at a little over $33/hour with a lot of flexibility. It’s literally perfect for us. He will get paid time off and 401(k), but no healthcare, which is fine. He starts in a few weeks, so we’ll see how it shakes down to impact the family dynamics. But it doesn’t seem like it should really change too much.

Money:
We’re talking about buying property. It all goes to plan, everything DH makes should go directly towards a property fund. We’ve looked at two properties that are much too expensive for us, but it’s spurned a lot of good conversations. I love having a goal. Since we moved into the bus, any savings has been concentrated in the HSA/4o1(K) and I’m ready to start more liquid saving.

Got a meeting with a friend to talk backpacking! Hope everyone is well.

[ertyu]

I feel concern that he’s medicated AND that it’s helping.

Fwiw, I know too many people who've shared some version of "why was it necessary for me to struggle this much, why did it have to be so hard and why did i have to feel i was an inferior, incapable, unintelligent failure" after finally getting diagnosed and medicated in their 30s and seeing what it's like to be functional. The deep regret of where they couldve been in life if they'd only had the right support is palpable.

You're doing the right thing. The alternative doesn't look like "why ruin his health with drugs and have him grow up thinking something's wrong with him, nothing's wrong with him [and nothing's wrong with me, and there's nothing i have to do that might be a demand on me], it looks like crushing sense of failure and inferiority and people trying over and over to hate themselves into being neurotypical -- and failing, and either saying fuck it, giving up, and going off the deep end, or continuing on the inferiority/self-hatred train for life. Substance abuse issues aren't uncommon, at least among those i'm thinking of when i say the above

[NewBlood]

Awesome update, it sounds like positive progress on all fronts!
Great to hear DS is doing better and great job on the consistency with lifting!

[Biscuits and Gravy]

What are you eating for protein? I also have a goal of 100-120g a day and consistently fail to meet it. I rely heavily on greek yogurt, tuna, and chicken, but I usually can only manage to consume 40-60g of protein per day.

How and when did you tell your son he has ADHD? What does your son think about it now, and does he use it as an excuse rather than an explanation?

The other day I was driving my kids to WalMart so they could buy crap they don’t need with the money they had saved, and I was lecturing them on minimalism. I said, “I have a friend who lives in a bus with a kid only a little older than you, and that kid doesn’t have any toys! Just a shovel and some acorns!” My son asked what your name was and I told him “Moore” and he said, “is her name Moore because she needs more stuff?”

[mooretrees]

What are you eating for protein? I also have a goal of 100-120g a day and consistently fail to meet it. I rely heavily on greek yogurt, tuna, and chicken, but I usually can only manage to consume 40-60g of protein per day.


Cottage cheese, mozzarella cheese, chicken, Greek yogurt and all sorts of meat. Eggs also. And i will take protein powder. All of these are dairy and meat focused and I’m sure vegans out there are horrified! Or the frugal folks too, as theses are fairly expensive ways to get protein. And I’ve looked at peanut butter and lentils, and while they’re much cheaper, they’re not as protein efficient for me.

How and when did you tell your son he has ADHD? What does your son think about it now, and does he use it as an excuse rather than an explanation?


Umm, I still reallly haven’t directly explained what it is and all that. I feel weird about that, but I’m still figuring out how to explain it to him. I keep letting myself off the hook……


The other day I was driving my kids to WalMart so they could buy crap they don’t need with the money they had saved, and I was lecturing them on minimalism. I said, “I have a friend who lives in a bus with a kid only a little older than you, and that kid doesn’t have any toys! Just a shovel and some acorns!” My son asked what your name was and I told him “Moore” and he said, “is her name Moore because she needs more stuff?”

Hilarious!! DS certainly has way fewer toys than a normie kid, but if each Lego counted as a toy, then he’s got thousands of toys. We still buy him toys, but he has developed a habit of deliberately destroying toys so it’s pretty easy to say no when he asks for more. Which he does, all the time. We use Lego sets as a bribe and a win-win for parents to get down time and a happy engaged kid. We’ve started asking him if we wants to split expenses with us, on occasion. I’m not sure he’s able to learn/absorb any lessons about money management yet. If he gets a large chuck of money as a gift, I’m having him put half into his bank account. He’s excited to know how much money he has in it.

Also, boredom is his enemy and it’s easy for him to recognize when he’s over a toy. We go through toys and clothes every season and he’s been able to (zero pressure from me) get rid of toys that he wasn’t into anymore.

[mooretrees]

Our MMG was challenged to make at least one post a month (perhaps more..) on the forum. I’ve drifted away from the forum lately, so here goes.

Fall is here which always means apples and pears in abundance. I’ve got applesauce on the stove and will spend the evening getting dried apples started. Fall also means skiing is right around the corner!

DH has started getting into a groove with work. We’ve only had one day with conflicting schedules for taking care of our son. His rhythm seems to be four days a week, 8:30 - 1:45/2pm. He doesn’t work Wednesdays and it seems easy enough to coordinate coverage if he wants another day off. He likes his work and gets paid the highest wage he’s ever earned. This job is constantly amazing me. It checks all the boxes we need it to: high wage, flexible as fuck, interesting, very part time.

Health:
I got another DEXA scan early last month and I dipped into the high 20’s for body fat. I was bummed because I didn’t gain any muscle, but I lost four pounds of fat and maintained my lean muscle. I have had some rough times with GI problems so missed a week and a half of lifting. I’m testing gyms out as I want access to a hot shower now that showering outside is too uncomfortable. Both of my sisters have started lifting and we’re encouraging each other. I’m also starting to get more deliberate cardio and focus on bone health-which I’m not sure exactly how to address…jump rope? Burpees? Box jumps?

I’ll start hormone replacement therapy next week and I’m so excited! Hopefully, that will help with body composition as well as everything else.

DS: Sport’s are becoming the norm for us; he just finished a running group the culminated in a super fun 5k run. I ran with him and it was great to see him enjoy running. Today he starts wrestling. I’ve been around wrestlers for many years, so I hope he loves it and sticks with it. I think about sports at his age as exposure and diversity. I will not let him specialize in a sport as long as I have a say.

I haven’t done a good job going to the pool, and I’m not as crazy about his doing swim team as before. Two reasons for my lack of interest in swimming for DS; lower stimulation for bone health with swimming, and it doesn’t seem to be a great way to socialize with other kids. DS is a strong extrovert so any team sport is probably more interesting to him.

Ok, off to do real life stuff.

[mooretrees]

Our mastermind group started a new session a week or so ago. We had the format that three of us did an abbreviated intro to our project. I choose the project “Housekeeping” as I’m tired of our messy, disorganized bus. I’m pretty @sevenwannabefive prompted me thinking about this with a book recommendation. I got the book Homecomforts: The art and science of keeping house from the library. It’s freaking dense. Much of it doesn’t apply to our situation as tiny bus living cut out a lot of furniture and other stuff. I also bought an organizing book @Scott2 recommended that focuses on organizing with ADHD.

So, in my family I’m usually the idea person. It works normally that I come up with a plan and bring it to DH for review. I used to try and just impost a plan, but as one might imagine that doesn’t work super well without his buy-in. So, new style is to create some thoughts and then instigate a conversation and get his input. I came up with a daily and weekly cleaning plan and we talked it over.

He agreed to the plan and we made some concrete plans. Here it is with the ADHD accommodations:
-daily the whole family cleans to three songs (ADHD- body doubling and music for added fun)

Weekly:
-mopping (me as DH hates it and I don’t mind it)
-laundry (DH as he doesn’t mind it), the night before we’ll strip the sheets, if needed, and load the car to increase the efficiency of starting laundry after school drop off
-Basic food shopping (DH will do it as it is close to -recycling (helps prevent it from spilling everywhere to do it more frequently)

One day on the weekend we’ll do a bigger clean - clean around our bed which is basically our couch and constantly gathers stuff and paperwork.

It’s been a bit over a week and we’ve mostly followed this program. DS is responsible for sweeping and putting dishes away, cleaning up his toys and clothes. He protested mightily about sweeping two days in a row. I sorta get it.

We didn’t hit the family clean everyday, but we did it enough that it was noticeably cleaner and tidier. I am pleased. We’ll continue this for the rest of this week and then I’ll meet with DH and adjust as necessary.

That’s it for now.

[Vaikeasti]

Insipiring stuff!
I wish our family could be that organized. Also the high paying part time job sounds great.

What's the adhd organizing book that Scott2 remommended? I want to check it out too.

[mooretrees]

What's the adhd organizing book that Scott2 remommended? I want to check it out too.

The book is “Organizing Solutions for People With ADHD” by Susan Pinsky.

I keep referring to it during our ongoing decluttering and organizing attempts. I hope it’s helpful!

[ertyu]

The first edition is free to borrow on archive dot org

[mooretrees]

Life update:

We’re finishing up a dog/bath tub/washer machine watching week at a friend’s place. It’s been a nice change to hop in the bathtub and have ready access to a washer/dryer. These friends also have all the kitchen gear so I’ve been enjoying that too.

We hired a buddy to re-do our bathroom inside the bus. They’re new to town and need work and gave us a decent deal. We initially had the bathroom in the bus, but it didn’t have good ventilation and we moved it outside to our wall tent. In addition to the bathroom inside, we’ll also have a small closet space. I’m excited to have a finished indoor bathroom going into the coldest part of the year. I’d started watching videos about people in Siberia and their outside toilets to keep our situation in perspective.

Food:
I’ve started making yogurt and sourdough bread on the semi-regular. I am straining the yogurt to get the Greek yogurt consistency that I really love. I’ve got a local raw milk connection for $3/gallon. That’s SO much cheaper than the store milk. Anyway, it’s a nice habit that is enjoyable and tastes delicious. My sourdough skills are very rudimentary, the loaves taste good but are not rising as much as I want. I have found a friend that lets me use her oven in exchange for a loaf. I’ve tried 100% whole wheat and a white and wheat mixture. I want to settle on one recipe and then make it weekly and take notes. I’m still trying to decide which recipe to use.

Health:
Still lifting mostly three times a week and I’m still loving it. I was following along with a YouTube lady’s workouts, but now I’m just writing out my own lifts. I’ve been recording what I do and what weights I’m using for several months now. I aim for a full body workout three times a week, usually three sets of exercises targeting: back, biceps, legs, triceps, shoulders, chest and abs. This current set of exercises are: pronated grip row, skull crushers, sumo squats, bicep curl, leg press (on a machine), chest press, shoulder press and various ab exercises. I have in the past added an extra shoulder or tricep set to increase my muscle definition strictly for vanities sake. I’m seeing definition in my shoulders and arms as a result. Next extra focus will be trying for a more popping butt, again, strictly for vanity. I’ve been taking photos of myself over time and I’m pleased with my progress. I don’t have a goal in mind as much as I have feeling I’m looking for. I’m hoping to keep getting more fit and more able to do fun things outside.

Cardio is the area I’m lacking currently. Skiing is starting to address that, but I’d like another option that isn’t car dependent but gives me nature time. I have a new ski buddy is much younger than me and wants to ski together. We went out for a 3.5 mile ski recently, my first Nordic ski of the year. We were breaking trail and it was hard. I was pretty exhausted that evening. I’ve scaled back biking to work as once again, I ate it on ice recently. DH has the tools and gear to convert our tires to studs, but it hasn’t happened yet. For some reason, doing this involves soldering and he doesn’t have a good place to do that without compromising our air quality.

Family:
Christmas in an ERE-adjacent household is so chill, my kid thinks getting five presents is normal. I got everyone in the family a cookbook, I’m hoping to cook/bake with DS more frequently and have fun teaching him to have some basic skills in the kitchen. He didn’t like the first batch of home made Greek yogurt so I kept aside some of the second batch for him. He didn’t like how dry it was. Anyway, he loves food dye and so I let him add food coloring and vanilla to his own portion of yogurt. His readiness to eat the purple yogurt confims two things for me: novelty is so important to him and that anytime he has a hand in making food, he is MUCH more likely to eat it and relish it.

Housekeeping:
We’ve not done a great job with our regular chores. Despite this, we’re doing a better job of cleaning regularly, primarily in the kitchen. With our little bathroom remodel, I needed to clear some stuff out of that area (it had become sort of a dumping ground). I’ve taken a little bit more than a car load out of the bus…wtf?! I’ve got several friends who said they would help me clear out our storage unit (basically amazing women!) and I hope to set a date to do that. Goal isn’t to get rid of the storage unit, but to downsize it. Why not have a goal to get rid of it? That feels too daunting and it is useful to have this space.

No-buy quarter:
DH and I are in on-going talks about our desire to be on our own property. We’re not ready to buy something, but we’re going to start aggressively saving to position ourselves when we are ready. To that end, a buy nothing quarter. I’m not up to a full year, that’s too scary! Which is, of course the point. Anyway, since we both work part time, we’re also going to increase our hours we work. In our case, it is possible to earn more money AND reduce our expenses. I’m not willing to work full time, but even 2-4 hours extra a week is significant for increasing my paycheck.

I’ve purchased a few things in anticipation of turning off the spending tap; creatine, nature journaling notebooks for DS and I and some underwear. I’ve also cancelled the extra charge of having Spotify for two people and am researching how to replace Audible for our son. He listens to books everyday so cutting that off is not attractive to me. We’ll still spend some money on him during this no buy quarter because of sports primarily.

Buying land or something:
We’re open to ideas and possibly moving to a much cheaper area. Fairbanks, AK is on the list. Everything is on the table, actually, except buying an expensive house with a big mortgage. That’s wildly uninteresting to us. We will see what we can save over the next four months and what we can figure out in the future.

Thanks for reading!

[AxelHeyst]

Exciting update! It really sounds like your dedication to making lifting a priority has achieved full liftoff. Also, vanity is underrated imo. Better to own it and enjoy the earned pride in your hard work.

Having just gone 1.5mo using an outhouse to -25F, the secret is using blue foam insulation as toilet seat. Make a square the same dimensions as lid and cut hole, don’t try to make a donut out of it. For potential future reference - getting back indoors is preferable obviously! But I was surprised how tolerable it was with the foam, already being a lower 48 winter outdoor toilet veteran.

It would be amazing if life takes you to Fairbanks!

[theanimal]

and am researching how to replace Audible for our son. He listens to books everyday so cutting that off is not attractive to me.

Does your library have access to Libby or Hoopla? I'm able to get tons of audiobooks through both of those. Hoopla limits to 5 borrows a month and Libby is unlimited.

Buying land or something:
We’re open to ideas and possibly moving to a much cheaper area. Fairbanks, AK is on the list. Everything is on the table, actually, except buying an expensive house with a big mortgage. That’s wildly uninteresting to us. We will see what we can save over the next four months and what we can figure out in the future.

Hell yeah! Let me know if you have questions or need help with anything.

[Scott 2]

Hoopla and Libby are fantastic. Check for Kanopy access as well - videos, great courses, etc.


If you cancel audible anytime they aren't providing a deal, you almost always get offered a deal. I'm on 3 months for 7.49 each right now. They prior 3 were $1 a month, thanks to a prime day offer for non subscribers.

If that's too annoying, you can usually get an annual plan for around $100 on sale.

I originally ripped all my paid audible books and moved away from it entirely. Unfortunately, I've found it's necessary to supplement the library, as some audio content simply is not available elsewhere.


The other work around, is to feed ebooks or PDFs into natural reader software. I have a vision issue that precludes extensive reading. This works pretty well, though it does require DRM free content. Depending on the source (ie tech books only available via Amazon) that can push me to libgen. I don't have the patience to remove DRM myself and experience it as an accessibility issue.

[mooretrees]

Well, I looked into Audible more and realized that I was assuming that the titles I had purchased would be unavailable to us after cancellation. That was a mistake! I canceled it and was offered those cheaper options. I declined them.

Our library has hoopla, but I live outside the city limits so I’d have to pay a fee to get access to it. But, since it really was the Harry Potter books my son listens to obsessively, he’s covered since we bought the titles.

@theanimal. A visit is in order to check out AK. Maybe summer?

[Scott 2]

I used this app to rip my audible books:

https://github.com/rmcrackan/Libation

Then I use this app as the player:

https://play.google.com/store/apps/deta ... r&hl=en-US

I was trying to escape all their ads. It worked pretty well. The primary down side is lack of a multi device sync. But yeah, they'll maintain your access to paid books indefinitely.