The Education of Axel Heyst

[berrytwo]

Short note regarding AK: I put it at a strong likelihood that I ramp up to a roughly 50/50 time split between Quail Haven and Moose Haven, starting nowish.

Woohoo! Glad it is going so well I feel like you just made Goldstream an even more official ERE city node.

[sodatrain]

Aaawwwwww yeah!!

Sick of these truck problems. Anxious to get up there!! Hopefully I'll be on the road again yet this week. (Truck I purchased 4 weeks ago needs a new engine. Horrible luck.)

[AxelHeyst]

I must not plan. Plans are the stoke-killer. Plans are the constriction that brings lifestyle rigidity. I will face my plan. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the plan has gone there will be serendipity. Only my true Way will remain.

-The INTJ Litany Against Plans

[AxelHeyst]

To Do List:
1. Save the world: fail.
2. Decarbonize the built environment singlehandedly: fail.
3. Convince other organizations, people, and institutions to stop being so goddamned dysfunctional: fail.
4. Reduce own household footprint via postconsumer praxis while cultivating a desirable-to-me lifestyle: win-in-progress (ttmCOL=$7,300 is my win condition, I bounced off it last year, coming back for a second pass now.)
5. Become less goddamned dysfunctional myself, aided by increased space/attention bandwidth in life due to postconsumer praxis: win, but infinite game.
6. Spin up homeotelic activities that result in positive handprint/effect (not just 'less bad' but 'more good', e.g. carbon sequestered, biodiversity increased, toxins cleaned up, human culture and beauty preserved/passed on, etc...) that are aligned with my Way / gifts / interests / wiring: pending.
7. Take notes: In progress.
8. Connect with the others / build things inside and between bubbles of other people with aligned values: pending/first baby steps being taken, but I'm exercising caution about going too fast too soon.

It feels like I'm approaching the end of the beginning: tidying up the loose end of a rapid onramp to post-consumer praxis coming from an unstable consumer lifestyle (I wasn't even good at being a consumer...), fixing inconsistencies and the construction debris from 'failed' experiments (that I learned from, so actually wins), nailing down durable FI/autonomy, getting robust consistent physical and mental healthy practices online, and getting more and more clarity on what direction I ought to head from here.

[AxelHeyst]

I'm backlogged on updates so I'm going to try to take them in the order they occur to me, before I let too much time go and forget stuff. It's going to be a little disjointed for a few posts probably.

I've been settling into a weekday rhythm of working (work on the book and then Revit stuff) in the mornings and, when I can, get over to @theanimal's place in the afternoons to help with his cabin expansion. It's a chill 3.5mi walk, run, or bike to The Animal Den from Moose Haven. I lucked out and got to help with putting up the first first floor wall AND the first second floor wall, and skipped all the boring stuff in between. Good help is hard to find.



Lending a hand has been a good reminder to read books about how to do stuff I already know how to do: I've been framing walls since 1999, but since I 'know' how to frame walls I haven't cracked a book about it and just do what I do. Jack has read a few books and talked to a few professionals about how to frame recently, and so he was teaching me tips and efficiency techniques that I didn't know about.

---

Last Thursday Jack and I went on a hike: 30mi, 14,000vert, mostly above treeline so walking on tundra. It took us 14.5hrs, and by "us" I mean "me" because my knee started hurting 7 miles in. Thus I was on the struggle bus to suffertown for 23miles, in particular the descents which were brutal. Otherwise I was in fine physical condition for the day, so I need to sort out what's up with that knee (my theories: too much sugar recently, so inflammation, and lack of mobility movement on top of being locked in a moto position for 7 days recently).

We saw a porcupine, ptarmigans, heard marmots, several F-35's, and a goshawk. We did not see another human.



@sodatrain made it! So now there are 3 forumites within 3.5miles of each other, two seasonals for the moment.

The primary purpose of my trip, to cultivate a relationship with E, is going extremely well. E's an INJF with similar CAT-Q and RAADS-R scores as me. I intend to split my time ~50/50 between QH and MH [E's place].

We spent a weekend at a friend's cabin in the same neck of the woods that @theanimal did his first NOLS trip to Alaska in. We didn't do anything epic like he did, just #cabinlife and a short hike, but I totally understand how spending 50 days there hooked him on AK for good. Here's the Skookum Volcano Trail:


This is the view standing on the front porch of the cabin:


I head back south on Monday, before it gets too chilly to ride and to get back home in time for EREfest24. I'll take a little longer to see friends that I missed on my way up.

[AxelHeyst]

I left Fairbanks on Monday. I changed the oil the day before and, let me tell you, I torqued the bejeezus out of that oil pan drain plug.

I did the math in my head and figured I could make it to Tok, ~220mi down the road. I thought my bike could make ~250mi. My assumptions were incorrect and I ran out of gas 10 miles from Tok. There's a lesson in there about trusting math vs. instruments.


(Not a terrible spot to run out of gas, though.)

I started walking with my thumb out and the next truck that came along picked me up. I got a gallon of gas in town and started walking back to my bike with my thumb out again: the 5th or 6th car picked me up: a ~19yo native woman with a moose gun in the passenger seat and weed on the dash.

While filling my bike and rearranging my bags on the side of the road, the next three people to drive by stopped to make sure I was alright.

Later down the road I noticed that my rear tire was getting dangerously low on tread. The wear spots grew as I rode. I should have checked it more thoroughly before I left. Losing a tire if you have four isn't a huge deal: losing a tire when you have two means a totaled bike and, maybe, lights out.

I stayed in Haines Junction the first night at a hostel. In the morning I called ahead to Whitehorse and arranged to get a new tire: he said if I'd take the wheel off myself he'd install the tire for free. Nice. I rode *very conservatively* the 100mi to Whitehorse, swapped the tire out, and was on my way.



I placed hopscotch the whole day with Charlie, an older rider on a Victory who'd just completed the Hoka Hey challenge, 10,000miles from Florida to Homer on a prescribed route and a requirement to sleep outside, on the ground, next to your bike every night. He did it in 20 days. Now he's returning home at a more leisurely pace, staying in airbnbs.

The first two spots I stopped to check out for camping that night were already occupied by black bears. I opted to let them have those spots to themselves. I found a spot further on just off the highway at the foot of a bridge over a river. There was a boat tied up on the riverbank but no one around. As I started setting up camp three locals (this is in British Columbia now) pulled up in a truck and started untying the boat. They noticed me and asked if I wanted to go for a ride. Hell yes I do. I helped them shove off and we went on a 30min run up and down the river, checking out someone's gold sluice operation and having fun riding fast over inches of water. Apparently it takes a good bit of skill to read the water and operate the boat just right to float over the rocks: the water was crystal clear and you could see the rocks *right there*.





They invited me up to their camp but they were clearly there to party and I was zonked, so I finished setting up my own camp and passed out with bear spray near to hand. It rained sometime during the night. I didn't sleep well because I'm scared of bears. I'm not scared of lawn darting into a moose, bison, or caribou, or getting smashed by a truck, all much more likely than getting mauled by a bear while camped out 50m from the highway, but fears aren't always rational. Ironically the fear of the thing least likely to kill me makes me sleep poorly, which makes me more likely to die by the ways I'm *not* scared of.

I was zonked by the time I got to Ft Nelson on day three and so got a cheap hotel w/kitchenette to eat a real meal and get a solid nights sleep. The next two days I'll knock out 1,000mi to arrive at the intentional community north of Vancouver my friend just moved to.

Temps for the past three days were 40's and 50's F with cloud cover, and my bike is 'naked' so I get the full windchill on my whole body. There was a bit of a learning curve staying warm: the main thing is you've got to block the air leakages at waistline, neck, and wrists. Even seven layers won't keep you warm if you're ram-scooping 45F air directly down your neck at 80mph.

[theanimal]

Man, you're getting the full experience! What an adventure. I take it you didn't make it to Liard hot springs this time?

[AxelHeyst]

I did not. I realized just now that I don't enjoy hot springs unless I'm with friends. I sit there and go "yep, this is nice all right" and then I'm over it. One of the few things I don't care to do solo I guess.

[AxelHeyst]

I cruised through the rest of BC and arrived Friday night at the intentional community my friends just moved to in Powell River, which is 2 ferry rides up the coast from Vancouver, BC. I spent a day with them. The folks there I met seemed very grounded and practical. Contractors were there installing a new septic tank system to service a cluster of houses, and all the buildings seemed well build and maintained. The area is beautiful coastal rainforest.

I took the ferry over to Vancouver Island, rode down the length of it to Victoria, crossed on the ferry to Port Angeles, and saw my brothers in Paulsbo (across from Seattle). The next day I rode out to visit @mooretrees and see the finished-enough-to-live-in bus. It is super cozy, mr mooretrees did (/is doing) such a good job with it. In the morning he rode me out the first 100 miles and I got to ride his bike, a Triumph Bonneville.

I crashed with my Bend friends that night and rode to just north of Truckee. I had a small misadventure: in Beiber, CA, pop. 266, my bike switched off 100m out of the gas station. It seemed an electrical issue. I checked all the fuses, they were good. The relay would just click when I tried to start it.

Across the street was a retired guy who was sitting on a picnic table in his front yard with beers on ice in a 5 gallon bucket. He asked if I needed any tools. I borrowed his phone to look up the symptoms (I had no reception there): not enough current to the relay, due either to a bad battery or a fault in the charging system leading to a low battery. I wheeled my bike into Joe's yard and we threw a battery charger on the (yes indeed low voltage) battery. After a while it started up on its own and the battery tester indicated it was receiving a charge voltage, so I repacked my kit and hit the road.

I made it 50m before the bike switched off again. I wheeled it back to Joe's yard, decided the battery was dead and I needed a replacement, and stuck my thumb out. No one picked me up for 30min, so I decided to walk to the gas station and ask them where the nearest auto parts store was and see if they had any better ideas than a 70mile hitch to Susanville. Just as I got there Joe pulled up and said he'd just remembered: the gas station had batteries.

Indeed they did, moto batteries even, but none that would fit in the compartment in my bike. It took me five minutes to realize that the battery did not, strictly speaking, *have* to go in the battery compartment. I bought the battery, scrounged some wire from Joe, stuffed the battery in my luggage, and extended the wires from my battery compartment to the battery.

I was on the road again.

In the morning I made my pilgrimage to Dark Horse coffee shop in Truckee, a place dear to my heart. The owner recognized me even though it's been over a year since I've been in, and a year before that. I spend a lot of time there 2018 - 2021. I arrived back home at Quail Haven last night.

In total, I rode 8,041 miles. 3,749 mile up and 4,113 mile back (with a few miles while I was up there). I took 10 days to do each direction, although I took three zero days on the way up (2 forced due to storm and road closure) and only one on the way back down. About $400 in fuel for the return trip, a little less to get there.

I had no real close calls. The sketchiest part was probably when I started nodding off somewhere in the Yukon. I didn't have any water with me so I just pinched instant coffee directly into my mouth.

I'm really glad I chose to ride a motorcycle there and back. I definitely pushed the boundary of my comfort zone out a bit, and feel satisfaction from having done it. I doubt I'll ride a moto there (or that distance) again, in that style. I could potentially see doing long moto trips that are more dirt oriented.

[AxelHeyst]

Introducing Howlieball Standard
Ruleset 1.0

How to play Howlieball:
The objective of Howlieball is to achieve the Objective of the Match. The Objective of each Match is decided upon by the Match Players.

Rules:
1. Howlieball must be played with two or more Players. If a game has only one Player, it is not Howlieball.
2. A Player is anyone at WL6 or above who is engaged in the Match (that is, is committed to achieving the Objective and has agreed to be a Player).
3. A Howlieball match can involve any number of Participants, including none.
4. A Participant is a person at any Wheaton Level, including negative WLs, who is involved in some way with the Match but is not committed to the Objective (that is, is *not* committed to achieving the Objective and has not agreed to be a Player).
5. Match Objectives can be finite (the point is to win/achieve the goal) or infinite (the object is to keep playing the game). Thus, the length of a Match can vary from "an evening" to "forever."
6. Match Objectives can be productive endeavors (start a company, build a house, make an app) or experiential (go on a bikepacking trip, an expedition, a group meditation, a musical jam sess, throw a party).
7. A Player can simultaneously play multiple Matches at the same time.
8. Points are assigned entirely arbitrarily at the whim of the Players and are meaningless (much like life).
9. The Rules of Howlieball Standard can only be modified by Axel Heyst, although feedback is welcome at any time. Too many cooks spoils the soup, you know. Forked Homebrew Rulesets are fine as long as they're indicated as such and authorship credit points back here.

FAQs
Q: What's a howlie?
A: Howlie comes from the acronym HWLI, High Wheaton Level Individual, which is anyone on the far side of the WL5>6 moat who is internalizing or has internalized systems thinking for lifestyle design.

Q: What is the ball?
A: There is no ball. Unless your Match Objective is to, say, field a soccer team or build a muzzleloader from scratch. The 'ball' in the name is to remind Players and Participants that Howlieball is a *game*. The point is to have fun.

Q: Why can't people under WL6 be Players?
A: Because otherwise it wouldn't be Howlieball. It'd be "literally every single other game in the world."

Q: Isn't that elitist?
A: Sure, yes.

Q: Does Howlieball have to be played in person?
A: No, telepresence Howlieball is still Howlieball. A Match could also include a mix of remote and IRL Player interactions.

Q: Can Howlies who don't know they're Howlies, aka "naturals" or people who exhibit post-consumer praxis, but don't know anything about ERE, be Players?
A: Not in Howlieball Standard, but stay tuned for the release of the Howlieball Rainbow Manifold (working title) ruleset which covers Matches with naturals and ERE-adjacent Players.

Q: Have any Howlieball Matches already been played?
A: Examples of proto-Howlieball abound. Some examples that come to mind:
-Axel and b7's bikepacking trip,
-EREfest '23 and '24,
-@mF and @jng working on defining self-actualization while hiking and trailrunning in the forests.

Q: What're some examples of *not* Howlieball?
A: When Axel went over to help @theanimal frame parts of his house addition. Axel wasn't a Player because he wasn't committed to the same Objective that @theanimal was. He was just coming over to swing a hammer, enjoy social-building-stuff-with-friends-time, and have fun. @theanimal was committed to getting his addition built before winter. Axel was, thus, a Participant, and @theanimal was the only Player. Thus, not Howlieball.

[delay]

Thanks for your journal update! Congratulations on completing your 8,041 mile trip. It's amazing to me, I'm sure I'd fall asleep after 50 miles

[AxelHeyst]

@delay thanks! I doubt you'd nod off that soon - motorcycling has a way of gripping your attention.

--

I realized that I've slowed down the volume of my forum posting and engagement recently because I have a flinch response whenever I contemplate engaging with deeper topics. My brain locks on to misunderstandings and has a very hard time letting them go, and I find myself spending far more cognitive energy attempting to understand the misunderstanding than I'm okay with.

I also think I get lost in the misunderstandings and it causes ME to begin to misunderstand the issue, partly because I don't firewall my simulations of other people's perspectives good enough and their misunderstanding oozes into *my* model. In the process of simulating their perspective I'll temporarily adopt their assumptions, but then when I shut down the simulation some of those assumptions stick around and it corrupts my original perspective. This is embarrassing, to put it mildly.

I'm increasing my understanding of how little I understand about anything. I discover myself being wrong about things all the time, things I was *really sure* I was right about (I was having a discussion about ere2 with my MMG, and then went back and read some of the threads and realized my model of ERE2 had drifted significantly since I'd dug in to it last). I'm having a self-censoring "stfu noob/lurk more" reaction to this feeling.

(Related topic: if 8 neurotypical people play telephone, the message doesn't get garbled. If 8 autistic people play telephone, the message doesn't get garbled. If 8 mixed neurotypes play telephone, the message gets garbled. Source. Anyway, the double empathy issue combined with the traits that make me a high masker might have something to do with why I find 'being misunderstood' to be both an excruciating and common experience.)

I do feel like I've done a lot of self-discovery in the past few months as a result of working with the hypothesis that I'm working with atypical brain wiring (as contrasted with my previous theory, which was that I kinda sucked and had to work real hard to get up to baseline function), and I'm still working out authentic preferences.

There are a lot of things I've done because I thought that the pain or effort it took me was just a result of me sucking at it, and if I just worked hard enough to get good at it, then I'd like it like everyone else. I was right about this for some things! But it didn't really occur to me that sometimes the reason it was effortful or painful is because I just didn't like it and wasn't wired to like it, unlike 99% of everyone else, and it was actually okay for me to just not. Conversely with things I enjoy or tolerate that 99% of people find painful, effortful, or disturbing, and it was okay for me to *do* those things without having to think up some elaborate justification for it. "Because I like it, PS fuck you <3" is a perfectly adequate answer, it turns out.

I've spent a lot of time beating my sense of self into a certain kind of shape, I'm realizing, and I had no conscious idea that I was doing it. Or rather, I thought what I was doing was self-improvement. In many ways I was. But I was also doing self-sculpting based off of references and copies of other people who were not built the same way I was (because I didn't have a good understanding of how I was built and didn't know how to filter my references for compatible neurotypes/behaviors/preferences).

It occurs to me that there might be no other way to do this. The steps I'm reflecting on might all be required. How else to discover who you are then to make a change, engage with the world, observe the effects and sensations that arise, update the model of self, make another change, and try again? What I'm experienced might be something like a meso-cycle. I did a lot of cycles of self-improvement under the framework of my previous understanding of self, and then I had an event that caused me to make a very large update to my understanding of self, lots of deletions of old assumptions and rewriting new ideas, and now I'm in a new mesocycle of personal growth/development.

I'm not sure if I'm in a vertical "need more theory integration" phase or a "work on implementation and skills" phase, or perhaps transitioning from one to the other and that's why I feel sort of out of sync. I suspect I just had a vertical theory update (in terms of self understanding, not WLs) and am at the *very* beginning of a horizontal practice phase, and it's a disconcerting place to be.


*Some of the preferences I'm examining:
-Wait, do I even *like* hanging out with [a whole list of people]?
-Wait, do I even *like* hanging out with [a few different categories of people]?
-Wait, do I even *want* to live closer than 1 mile to more than 1 or two other very special people for longer than a week at a time? (e.g. examining my desire/interest in intentional communities)
-Wait, do I even *like* to travel? (I've already concluded that there are several methods of travel that I very much don't like and won't be doing again).
-Wait, why do I bend over backward to make people I'm in conversations with not feel uncomfortable or stupid? (Been having fun experimenting with withholding the kid-glove treatment on this one...)
-Wait, can I just, like, be an asshole, sometimes? And the sky won't fall? And maybe it'll be kind of fun?
-Wait, do I even want to spend one more minute of my life doing [a whole list of activities].

ETA I'm finding Dabrowski's theory of personal disintegration extremely interesting and resonant (Jacob mentioned him in JnGs journal).

1.3 Brief overview of the theory.
⚂ 1.3.1 Dabrowski believed that socialization curtails individual growth.
≻ Mental health involves more than merely adopting and adapting to societal norms or expectations.
≻ Instead, mental health emphasizes self-transformation in creating and pursuing higher ideals that shape a unique, authentic, and autonomous personality.
≻ Disintegrating the initial socialized psychological structures is necessary to create opportunities for the individual to take growth into their own hands.
≻ Lower structures are replaced by integrations into new, higher structures.
≻ Higher structures are consciously chosen to reflect the values and essence of the individual.
≻ At the highest level, a unique and autonomous personality comes to guide behaviour.
≻ Disintegration requires a constellation of factors Dąbrowski called developmental potential.

[Scott 2]

I relate to much of your experience.

It occurs to me that there might be no other way to do this. The steps I'm reflecting on might all be required. How else to discover who you are then to make a change, engage with the world, observe the effects and sensations that arise, update the model of self, make another change, and try again?

Alternatives:

1. Coaching from a therapist who has walked the path. Very hard to find, but strong recommend. I'm hoping to meet with mine weekly for the next year. I had to get connected with an extern via word of mouth. I was calling to sign up before she was even taking clients yet.

2. DBT tools - https://www.amazon.com/Neurodivergent-F ... B09S9JBS8G (pdf is pretty easy to find)

3. ACT tools - like a value card sort exercise: https://www.valuescardsort.com/index.html

The therapist helps you navigate the available tools.

[ertyu]

Coaching from a therapist who has walked the path. Very hard to find, but strong recommend. I'm hoping to meet with mine weekly for the next year.

I would be really interested in what happens during your sessions, what tools and coping strategies were discussed, which of them you adopted vs not, and why -- could I sell it to you like, if you did a journal update after every session telling us about it, it would help reflect on and integrate what happened during that session? (it will, even though the initial drive to suggest this was selfish lol)

[Western Red Cedar]

DW found DBT particularly helpful. Much more than traditional CBT. Her therapists mentioned Radically Open DBT (RODBT) as more targeted towards those who struggle with excessive self-control or over-control rather than a lack of self-regulation. It might be worth looking into as well, as it addresses social connectedness in regards to emotional well-being.

[Scott 2]

could I sell it to you like, if you did a journal update after every session telling us about it, it would help reflect on and integrate what happened during that session?

Beyond privacy considerations, that's not a realistic commitment for me. I did a few months with my prior therapist (also an extern with autism and ADHD). For every hour in session, there was 5-15 out. Processing, making changes, learning from other sources, etc.

The key value add is specificity. Which depends very much on one's individual experience. I can say - went to a nice dinner, it upset my entire week. We can rapid fire through the "obvious" tools (ie leave time to recovery socially), then dig into my underlying considerations. That second part is what makes the relationship worthwhile.

Maybe there's an acronym salad that generalizes all that, but it is beyond me or my motivations to learn. Related, I don't see how a therapist who hasn't lived it, could hold the conversation. It's the combination of education and experience that's powerful.

[AxelHeyst]

Alternatives:

Sure, I was just musing about unskippable broad-stroke steps or phases people must go through whether guided or unguided. The CCCCCC model applied to personality development, or something like that. I'm sure I've gone on more dead ends and taken longer than is necessary if I had the right guidance, though.

I'm by no means anti-therapy, but haven't ever come across a modality or specific therapist that seemed to resonate. Granted, I've never put serious effort into a search. I also feel like there isn't much I struggle with in terms of unwanted experiences any more - I'm mostly in a place of exploring further depths and nuances of positive experience. I get that therapists can help with that, too, but the self-directedness of my journey is fun for me. I get a lot of fulfillment out of my personal practices. The idea of going through the effort to find a good therapeutic fit for me is very unappealing, and the benefit to cost is unclear.

[Scott 2]

The idea of going through the effort to find a good therapeutic fit for me is very unappealing, and the benefit to cost is unclear.

Totally understand.

I did, and to some extent do, hold the same sentiment. My pattern has been one of trying a session, getting undeniable value, and so trying another. Several times, I denied the original therapist's offer of help, only to later challenge my own assumptions and try out of curiosity. I'd get aggravated when he was then useful, hah. Medical avoidance is a thing.

I was told by him, that he knew of one other person locally equipped to help me. That I've learned far more on my own about being ND than any training offered to therapists. It's where the lived experience side of the professional comes in, and it is rare. Especially since those individuals are prone to burnout, due to their wiring.

All that to say, your current path looks very reasonable to me. If these connections hadn't come my way, I'd be doing very similar. I do think there's a skill in learning to use someone who can raise the unknown unknowns. I'm grabbing the opportunity, to learn, taking advantage of my good fortune.

[AxelHeyst]

Thanks Scott. I am following along with you experience with interest and really appreciate everything you've shared.

[AxelHeyst]

@mF gave me something else to think about. In the course of a chat about neurodivergence he called me "very smart" and I had a moderate somatic meltdown, thought that was kind of odd, and decided to investigate wtf he was talking about.

I thought 'giftedness' just meant 'the really smart kids', which (mF's opinion notwithstanding) is not me, but apparently there's a whole constellation of attributes that compose giftedness. (This implies you could be really smart and not gifted, for example). Intensity, complexity, and drive (ICD) are key attributes layered on top of heightened perceptivity and an urge to perfect, layered over a multidimensional intelligence model (eg not just academic/intellectual intelligence). I was more receptive to the material once I was able to get some distance from the average/smart/super smart question.

The descriptions of common experiences resonated: extreme dissatisfaction with the ways most things are run, impatience with the speed (and/or choice of topic) of most conversations, tolerance of ambiguity, long history of being misunderstood, and my favorite: existential panic linked to the difficulty of figuring out my place/role and what to do with the rocket motor that's been jammed up my ass my whole life. I identify much more with the ICD traits than the intelligence aspect (am often frustrated that I feel not smart enough to figure out wtf to do with the momentum my ICD traits are compelling... ERE praxis being a perfect example).

The author of the book mentions two common strategies for coping with these traits in the real world for people who don't understand themselves: collapse and exaggeration. Collapse was/is definitely my strategy for the second half of my 20's/first half of 30's. I learned to fold my ambitions away, mask a lot of the traits that didn't mesh well with others, let the existential panic mostly smolder, and figure out coping strategies to go along to get along. Every few years it feels like I've tried to let it out, but I'd always kind of whiskey-throttle it, get unnerved, and go back to the smolder.

The material I've been reading shows some potential for working through some of this stuff more productively.

Likely a bunch of yall would find this material of interest as well, I recommend you check it out. This page isn't a bad place to start.