Just Gravy

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Thanks, all. Farewell six figure job, hello ???

But, decompression first.

ertyu, I’m curious what you mean specifically by decompression. What do you think that would look like for me?

[ertyu]

For you, no idea, because you have children and when one has children the demands never stop. But here is how it went for me:

Full time employment was a long march. It's all numbed out inside because the name of the game is to put one foot in front of the other, and keep putting one foot in front of the other regardless any other events or demands. My evenings were an exhausted, flat sprawl on the couch with food until i went from numb/shellshocked and exhausted to just numb/shellshocked and i went to sleep.

What I mean by decompression is that even though i stopped working and gave myself a month and a half off before i started my "coasting" job, the numbness and shellshock did not lift immediately. I was still more or less going through the motions in a disconnect from myself. I did amp up my walking, I fasted off some weight, I went on a trip to Japan, but still, it was from this psychological wasteland of a place. At least for me, what I did or didn't do did not seem to be able to "force it," it needed to take its time. The first time I stopped and went, "eh? I actually feel a nonzero amount of alive???" was very interesting bc id forgotten what alive was like. So, the process of coming back to myself wasn't immediate but gradual. My insides needed time to unclench. Given that your job was also quite psychologically demanding on you, I wouldn't be surprised if you experience something similar.

[mooretrees]

Hello possibilities!!! I predict more random sex, exercise and who knows? No need to map it out, this is the time to explore. Or chill and freaking recover.

[suomalainen]

You should try some yoga.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

@ertyu I feel you on the numbness and shellshock. There are some events that happened over the last few years (e.g., my daughter’s hospitalization) which have produced numbness and shellshock that carry over into my everyday. It’s been cumulative and suffocating. I wonder if it can be discharged. I guess we’ll find out.

@mooretrees Yes to more random sex! And suo works from home. I do have some ideas, but I’m going to try not to overextend at first. Give my insides time to “unclench” as ertyu put it. I am definitely going to ride my bike more and hit the gym. Work off some of this commuter chub. I’d like to sell and get rid of a bunch of stuff at the house. Work on replacing the processed foods my kids eat. And DS needs a lot of help and intervention right now with his ADHD. And there I go, making a long list…

@suo Why don’t we 2b1s this and do some downward dog-gy style.

[7Wannabe5]

I think being home with the kids is a good time/excuse to do less rather than more with the kids. Make some kind of calculation like 4 hours quantity time = 1 hour quality time or it will be highly unlikely that you will be able to create your own chill space. I would even go so far as to recommend that it is better to think of yourself as being a Housewife than a Stay-At-Home-Mom. Let them help you vacuum, do the laundry, and get dinner completely prepped in the morning, and then lock them outside in the afternoon to suffer the pain of learning how to entertain themselves while you relax in your extremely tidy living room (which is staying clean, because they are locked outside), drinking an iced tea, and leafing through the books you picked up yesterday when you made your kids hike all the way to the library with you, rendering them so exhausted they willingly collapsed in front of the screen playing one of the 3 kid movies you appreciate as background music. etc. etc. etc.

[2Birds1Stone]

@suo Why don’t we 2b1s this and do some downward dog-gy style.

Hey, buy me dinner first......

[Biscuits and Gravy]

7, I was planning on considering myself a “stay-at-home [Gravy],” although I have to admit the tradwife thing gets me going. It’ll be really nice to experience this lifestyle (albeit for only a few years) after working full time for over a decade.

2b1s, I’ll make you lentils first.

[7Wannabe5]

although I have to admit the tradwife thing gets me going.

Yeah, me too. Although I have cautioned myself against playing with those who take me entirely seriously in the role.

However, what I was actually attempting to convey was that in my experience focusing on the house or the environment rather than directly on the kids actually helps with projecting authority and thereby creating calm.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

I’ma be unemployed in 8 days.

I’m debating if I should pay off my car (approx. $8500 left at 2%) with my cashed out pension. Or if I throw that $8500 into a CD generating 4-5% and then pay it off. Regardless, there will be some CD laddering going on to safely stretch my cash-out.

Without the car payment, my monthly expenses are less than $600. @DH is going to pay for rent and electricity while I’m unemployed, so my budget is just this:

Car payment: 380
Car-Gas: 50 (est.)
Car-Insurance: 113
Phone: 20
Util-Gas: 50
Util-Water: 50
Util-Internet: 80.71
Renters Insurance: 12.75
Term Life Insurance: 81.64
Kid 1 Savings: 60
Kid 2 Savings: 60

I have no idea what groceries will be. They’ve been around $400/month this year, but I buy some convenience and pre-made items to make up for my lack of time and energy. I’d estimate food and clothing and shoes going forward will be about $400/month, but the smaller I can make that number, the longer I can stay unemployed…

My boss, bless his heart, is throwing tantrums about me leaving. Even “jokingly” refusing to sign off on my resignation forms. Whenever I start to feel even slightly guilty about leaving him, I think of my son’s sad little face he made every time I told him “mommy has to go to work.” Suck it up, boss!

[2Birds1Stone]

Congrats! Your budget looks sound, and I am excited to hear how you adapt to the new way of life without the dreaded J-O-B.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Thanks! I am excited and hopeful about the next chapter. Ya know, I actually don’t dislike working, especially my job. The job has a lot of upsides: intellectual stimulation, social interaction, a firehose of cash, exposure to interesting and intelligent people, tax benefits, structure, etc. etc. I’m just spread too thin and have been spread too thin for too long. Oh well. Onwards and upwards!

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Four work days left! (I know I’m spamming, but I’m stoked.)

My boss is getting funnier. Will I accept calls from him after my last day? Can he hire me to edit the book he wants to write about his life? Have I written down EVERYTHING I do yet? It’s amusing how entitled he feels to my time and energy. What’s not so amusing (in retrospect) is how much time and energy I’ve spent here, on him, on this job, rather than on myself, my family, my home, and my interests.

I’m feeling elated, empowered, and hopeful. They’re wonderful but evanescent feelings. Come next Monday I’ll be faced with a life so totally different from what I’ve known up to this point. Gotta ready the ship for this upcoming major transition.

As an aside, I’ve been reading The Mountain Is You, a kinda woo-woo self-help book about self-sabotage that my friend gave me a few years ago. The author posits that our efforts to change a coping mechanism (in my case, drinking alcohol) are doomed to fail because we instead need to focus on the underlying issues which give rise to that coping mechanism in order to achieve lasting change. First, we have to ask ourselves, what is my coping mechanism giving me that I feel like I lack? For me, the alcohol provides relaxation and quiets my anxiety. Second, we need to find a healthier and more desirable way to meet our needs, and third, we need to make incremental changes in our daily lives toward our goal. There was no time in my full time work + mom schedule to relax, so maybe if I bake an adequate amount of relaxation into my new life I can finally kick my drinking habit! Fuggin sky is the limit (says her elation).

[7Wannabe5]

Yeah, both alcohol and carb-munching (my vice) are less than healthy mechanisms employed when individuals are too much in their masculine energy and/or not enough engaged in activities that support the ability to relax and open in feminine energy. I am finding it very difficult to cutback on my cookie habit while taking double speed data science grad classes.

For example, spending the whole day on the beach or in your garden is towards producing cool feminine energy. Hot feminine energy is the sort you summon up when you notice that your lover is off in his own head while he is fucking you, so you smack him on the ass to bring him back into emotional communion.

I am adding the book you mentioned to my stack.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

you notice that your lover is off in his own head while he is fucking you, so you smack him on the ass to bring him back into emotional communion.

I laughed, because I know exactly what you mean, and then I realized that I haven’t experienced that “off in his own head” shit in years. Yeaaaah lifestyle design and enlightened men capable of being fully present.

Can you give me a book rec about the feminine and masculine energies you mention so frequently? Sometimes I don’t fully grok your words, 7. <3

[7Wannabe5]

Yup. I’ve done a lot of archaeological digging on the topic, but “It’s A Guy Thing: An Owner’s Manual for Women” by Deida might be good one to start with. I’m pretty sure the “ smack him on ass” example I offered is from that book. Deida’s style can be a bit woo woo off-putting, but I’ve found much of his practical advice to be on the money.

[suomalainen]

Masculine or feminine energy?

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Thanks. I appreciate woo woo stuff more now because I’m less judgmental and can cherry-pick for the stuff that I find helpful. One of my friends has been on a “talk to your inner child” kick for a year or two and I would just smile and nod and support her, but in the back of my mind I was like, psh, that’s stupid. Then I tried it the other night and within minutes I was sobbing and having mommy issue breakthroughs. [shrug]

No, no, babe. Wrong pic.

[7Wannabe5]

@Suo:

Being in nature= feminine energy restoration
Conquering nature= masculine energy restoration

That pic signals “conquering nature” more than “being in nature”, IMO. Deida offers the example of the stereotypical Hawaiian beach bum as a man in more feminine nature.

[suomalainen]

For context, I went paddleboarding with my sister and two of my teens. When we left the house at 1, the forecast said rain at 5. When we dropped the car off at the end point at 1:15, the forecast said rain at 4. When we put in at 1:45, the forecast said rain at 3. We made it to the halfway takeout point at 3 when a thunderstorm passed overhead. We hid under a bridge for 15 minutes. The radar forecast looked clear for an hour+ so we gambled. Less than 20 minutes later the heavens opened and a tornado warning sounded. I sat on my board under these trees on the steep riverbank and just enjoyed being torrentially rained on (on-the-spot radar forecast suggested 30 minutes of this). It was very peaceful once I figured the tornado warning had passed / wouldn't impact us given our location on a steep riverbank. Then I saw my sister shivering and my kids looked like they were adventured out. So I climbed the bank and ran 2 miles to the car and drove back to pick everyone up. So it was more surrendering than being or conquering. Very restorative, either way. Gonna get gravy out there when she comes up.