What I Spend

[sodatrain]

Congratulations on a good first week!

I recently started a 6-12 month contract and I'm still on the bench (not yet assigned to a project) after 5 weeks.

I've just read the last two pages of your journal. Would you be willing to comment more on your flip/transition with respect to the medical system.

Thank you for sharing your story! The last two pages have been very interesting to read. I like the precision in your writing.

[Western Red Cedar]

I"m just catching up on your journal and return to work. That must feel great to have some more context for the professional struggles. Wishing you the best as you navigate that world again and I encourage you to keep writing about it. I may return at some point as well so I appreciate hearing about the inner journey and external experiences after some extended time away.

[Scott 2]

I've just read the last two pages of your journal. Would you be willing to comment more on your flip/transition with respect to the medical system.

Thanks for the kind words.

In short, it was a direct consequence of stopping work. I stopped living in front of a computer. That made ignoring my body much harder. Many small problems became evident. Concurrently, losing a major pillar of my identity was humbling. It made me more willing to seek wisdom from others.

The final shift was in access. My income is structured to qualify for a cost sharing plan via the exchange. This year's deductible is a few hundred dollars. Seeing any specialist costs me $20. Most blood tests are under $10.

So I had small problems, motivation, and resources to address them. As I experienced Medicine 2.0, immediate and future consequences stood out. The value of a Medicine 3.0 approach become abundantly clear. That caused me to lean into proactive health measures.

In a sense, it's enlightened laziness. More pain now, for the promise of less cumulative suffering.

[Scott 2]

That must feel great to have some more context for the professional struggles. Wishing you the best...

Thanks. Through week 2 now. The difference feels dramatic. Much healthier. I can see my maladaptive behaviors. Often, I can course correct in real time. They are heavily conditioned, so I might also follow the old rules, then need to re-evaluate later.

Yesterday offered a good example. I got excited about some work and started taking over a manger's meeting with their team. Making assumptions about context, using my informal authority to bully, essentially. I pulled back within 5-10 minutes, but it's not the presence I want to offer.

So I later chatted with the manager. I acknowledged the bad behavior, explained why I cut my feedback short, and we agreed to meet on it privately. I intend to interface more softly, keeping a focus on collaboratively building, leveraging the strengths of others.

Given the half time nature of my role, frankly, I won't get anything done otherwise. Having that time boundary is great for learning to respect my physical and mental limits. Previously, I would hyper focus for an extended period and use my intelligence to do a team's worth of work. I'd use that inertia to suck others into my way. The strategy is terrible for so many reasons, and it simply isn't compatible now.

The change is extremely tiring. New social demands, plus rapid learning, plus the actual time cost of working. It's a lot. They are paying me for the opportunity cost that entails, rather than the time at keyboard.

[mooretrees]

The organizing book you recommended arrived and it’s so good. I am starting a ‘brutal purge’ and feel freed up by the focus on hyper-efficiency instead of beauty. I am taking before pictures so I can enjoy the contrast.

I’m pushing DH to consider occupational therapy for his ADHD as it was prescribed for our son. Have you worked with an OT?

[Scott 2]

The organizing book you recommended arrived and it’s so good. I am starting a ‘brutal purge’ and feel freed up by the focus on hyper-efficiency instead of beauty. I am taking before pictures so I can enjoy the contrast.

I’m pushing DH to consider occupational therapy for his ADHD as it was prescribed for our son. Have you worked with an OT?

Glad the book is helpful. Going through the process with my wife was enlightening. If organization were math, I struggle to even count. My space is no longer descending to chaos, but it's arranged like I'm a 5 year old.

We had to keep readjusting expectations. She couldn't do it for me, because neither of us grasped just how limited that part of my brain is. It devolved to her keeping me company, while I kept making things simpler and simpler. Very humbling.

We absorbed dozens of clear or open containers into the house, chunking storage to suit my brain. Everything is visible. No stacking, nesting, or opaque storage. I brought an entire car load of organizing supplies from goodwill and used it all.


Nobody has suggested an occupational therapist. What do they do for ADHD? I have done several months of general therapy, working with a neurodivergent therapist. Coupled with extensive self directed learning and lifestyle changes, it's been very helpful.

[ertyu]

We had to keep readjusting expectations. She couldn't do it for me, because neither of us grasped just how limited that part of my brain is. It devolved to her keeping me company, while I kept making things simpler and simpler. Very humbling.

At the same time, empowering: there's something validating in saying, yes it's worth it discovering what i need (in your space or otherwise), and yes it's worth giving it to myself. Why frame it in terms of devolved/5 year old/humbling? Why not reframe it as a process which, through iteration, EVOLVED to the place where you assumed full power and responsibility for it as the person with the best knowledge of what you need? You could see it as deficiency/"like 5 y/old" or you could see it as a brain which naturally demands peace and simplicity, which is congruent with all sorts of other goals - environmental, anticonsumption, frugality, etc.

You don't have to take my reframes, but it might be a good idea to look at what you're telling yourself about yourself around this, and to choose to tell yourself something different.

[Scott 2]

That specific mental deficit is disabling. It requires support. The undeniable demonstration of my limit is humbling.

Historically I've abdicated responsibility and avoided facing the problem. Doing the opposite is enlightening.

[mooretrees]

I asked the OT today what they can offer an adult with ADHD. She talked about mindfulness training for starters. I am going to ask more questions the next few visits. A lot of what we get out of the OT sessions are education, so it might not be necessary for you.

Will report back what I learn.

[Scott 2]

She talked about mindfulness training for starters.

The resources I've come across, lump mindfulness training under DBT. My library had this book, which is floating around online:

https://www.livedexperienceeducator.com ... dbt-skills

I hadn't considered an OT context, but I can see it. Many of the tools would benefit from hands-on practice.

[Scott 2]

I'm running into opportunity costs of working:

1. My domain registrar was acquired. Expecting problems, I intended on a transfer to Cloudflare. But time is limited. So I paid web.com their renewal fee and decided to ignore it. Sure enough, less than a month later - pay up or they are breaking my email. Gah. So now I'm doing the Cloudflare transfer anyway, but with unwanted urgency.

2. A garage door spring broke. Everything is 25 years old and the door isn't insulated. Figuring out what to replace and navigating condo association approval has fallen heavily on my wife. It's a headache and something I typically would have helped with. The extra money from working doesn't hurt though. Installed - a new insulated 2 car door, with windows, and a belt drive opener, is $3-4k. Though if the association makes it any harder, we might end up stopping at new springs for $300.

3. I get 2 or 3 good accomplishments out of the day. Work burns one of those. Last week, I made the mistake of putting it first, which pushed out some workouts. That degraded into unmanaged anxiety - shockingly fast. Not specifically tied to the work, but simply due to being an anxious person and needing an outlet. Towards the end of the week, I burned the anxiety off and discovered I was exhausted. Lesson learned - workouts first. So on workdays, I really only get to choose 0-1 accomplishments. No wonder full time work drove me into a freedom from mentality.

4. Related - I keep falling into "revenge bedtime procrastination." I haven't fully accepted that it's not physically possible to do the work and everything I was doing. So I'll get a second wind in the evening, then stay up waaay to late. Leading to poor sleep, which cascades through the week. It's a bad pattern and becomes the difference between capacity for 2 vs. 3 good things out of the day. We've scheduled our wifi to turn off from 9pm to 7am, in an attempt to combat this.

The work remains interesting, and I am learning a lot. With money not being the primary motivator, it's a much different experience.

[ertyu]

My favorite re: 4 is, "When I go to bed, tomorrow morning comes, and then I have to go to work. Therefore, the more I postpone going to bed, the more I postpone going to work" -- my brain, for some reason

[Scott 2]

Yes, exactly! What's absurd on my end, is I'm a half time contractor. I pick my hours. The entire morning is mine anyways. And those early morning summer hours are my absolute favorite for getting outside.

Yet as it gets later, and I get more tired, my impulsivity increases. So I burn what could be super premium hours on increasingly less essential activity. I can be 100% ready for on time bed, then go get my Switch (from 2 floors away!). I burn several of my best hours fighting to stay awake, playing a video game in bed. In the moment, it feels like the best idea in the world. Because I didn't get to play my game yet today.

In the past, I blamed work. Hence freedom from. But that behavior is 100% on me. It's a raging combination of my interest based personality, time blindness, and impulsivity. All behaviors I'm working to better understand and manage, as part of my ADHD care.

That's another plus of the work. It is realistically testing the support scaffolding I've built into life. There is a steady stressor with a semi objective feedback loop. Even if the contracting doesn't stick, my systems will be stronger.

[delay]

We've scheduled our wifi to turn off from 9pm to 7am, in an attempt to combat this.

Thanks for your journal update! Putting up barriers, however small, is some help. You can also install website blockers, set blacklists on your internet router, turn off mobile internet, or even the entire simcard. Not taking connected devices in the bedroom helps too. I switched back to a radio alarm so my mobile phone can stay out of my bedroom

[Scott 2]

[Putting up barriers, however small, is some help. You can also...

Seems we've been down the same rabbit hole. The eternal problem is, anything I do, I can undo. My brain thrives on finding the loophole.

With the WiFi schedule, at least I'd have to take a laptop into the basement and stick a cable into the router. Not that it's stopped me from caching podcasts and books on my phone. But at least I'm not scrolling.

[Scott 2]

Random updates:

1. Contracting remains interesting. I am puzzling out quality strategy, for a 50 person dev team. Understanding what is, nudging culture towards what will be. Half time remote is sustainable. It feels like hanging out with friends online, talking about my special interest. Ideal socialization, even.

2. My wiring is well suited to technical problems. Even compared to a lean FIRE budget, contracting is dramatically easier. The way society values specialized knowledge work is broken. Every week, I feel disbelief the arrangement continues, even though I only become more qualified.

3. While there's more money, discretionary spending is low. My free time is computer time, meaning there's nothing to buy. I'm at $121 for June. So we're helping some family and installed a very nice garage door. But we probably would have done those things anyway. Given the family concerns, additional charity has been minimal. $100 on a gofundme and a charity t-shirt.

4. My therapist left. I've got a referral, who I'll probably connect with in August. The trauma symptoms from prior work related burnout have subsided. A couple things have helped. I'm actively working with my brain's wiring. And, I look forward to seeing my boss.

5. Medical stuff remains a constraint. My jaw surgery is stuck in insurance approval limbo. My bad eye wanders off more often. Surgery recommended there as well. I'm working out most days, but primarily to manage anxiety. Fitness is down from this time last year. It's hard to get excited for a serious training cycle, when surgery could derail it at any time.

6. I haven't dealt with the solo 401k setup yet. It can happen anytime this year, so I keep delaying. The tax benefit, especially accounting for health insurance, makes it important. But my personality is interest driven. Filling out boring forms runs head first into my poor executive function.

7. My strategy for sleep and self-care has improved. However, the family stuff introduced new time demands. So it's been a wash. I think that'll get better soon. One "hack" failed - packaged foods. Ignoring price, the quality simply isn't there.

8. Family stuff includes being around a 6 year old, who shows pretty obvious ADHD traits. It's interesting to see myself reflected in another person, and then experiment with our interactions. This week's tool is visual timers, from Time Timer. I can see why they're so popular.


Overall - things are heading towards an enjoyable Summer. Less impressive in photos than last year, but maybe more nurturing for me as a person. I'm curious to see what I remember fondly.

[delay]

Thanks for your journal update! Contracting work is interesting indeed. Continuation depends on monthly approval by management. If you present well enough to find contracts and keep them, it's a very lucrative line of work. I failed at it myself, the constant change requires more energy than I have (and if I had it, I wouldn't want to spend it on work.)

Surgeries have a whole range of outcomes. Surgeries tend not to solve things, but patch them up at the cost of side effects. I wonder where your enthusiasm for surgeries comes from?

Being around family children is interesting, their world is so different. They're not allowed to do anything without parents. The newest thing is that parents don't trust other parents to drive their kid to games, so there are now 12 cars required for a soccer match for 8 year olds. One visiting parent was talking about an exam that would allow her 6 year old to enrol in an extra math classes for "highly gifted" children. What on earth...

[Scott 2]

Contracting ... the constant change requires more energy than I have (and if I had it, I wouldn't want to spend it on work.)
...
I wonder where your enthusiasm for surgeries comes from?

This contract is unique, in that it's with my prior full time employer of 10+ years. The culture shifted dramatically for the better. I have enough legacy knowledge, that they've been happy with a half time contribution. I don't think I'm suited to contracting, in general. Half time though, that's great for me. Soooo much better than full time. Picking my hours, instead of posturing around availability, also feels right.

What's weird about all of it, is I produce more in 20 hours than most do in 40. I'm just absolutely terrible at selling myself. Too honest. I'll educate someone on the nuances, so they can finally understand where my limits are. I cannot help it. Fortunately, due to our history, this contract does reflect my ability to contribute.


It's not that I'm eager for surgery. I have specific problems that require choosing the least worst option. My bite is open, meaning only the rear most molars meet. It puts tremendous pressure on a tiny spot, accelerating the path to jaw arthritis and molar loss. The hope is to head off multiple implant surgeries and chronic jaw pain. With they eye - when it wanders off, my vision goes double. This is accelerating with age, to the point where I already avoid paper books at all costs. Surgery boils down to shortening a single eye muscle, with very high success rates.

In both cases - I've exhausted the less invasive interventions - braces, vision therapy, patching and prism glasses. Losing my capacities as I age, is the alternative. Looking to my parents, I can see that future path. I prefer to try the surgery.


I'm not equipped for time around children. I do my best, but as I told my wife - the best way I can help is with money. It's way easier for me to find $500 than spend a couple days babysitting. Unfortunately, the money we've budgeted (low 5 figures) doesn't solve some problems, at least not long term. People need to develop personal agency and that comes from steady modeling of an alternative lifestyle.

[ducknald_don]

Thanks for your journal update! Contracting work is interesting indeed. Continuation depends on monthly approval by management. If you present well enough to find contracts and keep them, it's a very lucrative line of work. I failed at it myself, the constant change requires more energy than I have (and if I had it, I wouldn't want to spend it on work.)

I did it for about five years. It does let you keep some distance from the politics but you can never completely eliminate that. I usually had someone in the customer who could champion my work, I'd never have been able to do it on purse sales ability (because I don't have any). Working in the same small industry for 18 years before I started probably helped. For me it still ended up feeling like a job though and although the pay was good the travel was demanding.

What's weird about all of it, is I produce more in 20 hours than most do in 40. I'm just absolutely terrible at selling myself. Too honest. I'll educate someone on the nuances, so they can finally understand where my limits are. I cannot help it. Fortunately, due to our history, this contract does reflect my ability to contribute.

I wouldn't be surprised to find that most people in creative endeavours can produce the same in 20 hours as they can in 40. I was reading a series of articles on well know authors writing habits and the common pattern was working in the morning and walking in the afternoon.

I'm not equipped for time around children. I do my best, but as I told my wife - the best way I can help is with money.

Not that I'm suggesting you do but I think for men their attitude towards children changes completely once they have had their own. That was certainly the case for me.

[Scott 2]

@ducknald_don - I'll have to take your word on the children. In my early 40's now, we remain happy with the choice to opt out.


Nominal net worth hit an all time high on Friday. It feels good to see the biggest number yet. Even though since retirement, we're still down about 13% real. The plan is working well within its bounds, but we paid for keeping a simple portfolio.

A month of contracting adds about 0.5%. It's a weird thing having "professional" income while FI. Taking a long term perspective, there's essentially zero impact. Yet spending as I earn would triple the monthly budget. Much different than doing a little election judging or selling something on Offer Up.

I can't help but fill my brain with improving at the work. I finally read Google's SRE book, as well as their more recent Software Engineering title. My library has a variety of modern software audiobooks on Hoopla. I feel compelled to listen. I think I enjoy it. Differentiating between interest and insecurity is hard. Having been out of the loop for 3 years, there's some imposter syndrome. I want to catch up.