suomalainen wrote: ↑Wed Oct 25, 2023 7:39 pmThis want -> do -> should transition still happens to me and I experience it as quite distressing, but now that I'm more aware of this happening, I've been working hard to consciously let it go when the feeling arises.
I've thought about this a lot for the last ~10 years. I think what's happening is a confluence of a few personality traits (in layman's terms):ertyu wrote: ↑Wed Oct 25, 2023 9:48 pmThis looks like an excellent candidate for navel-gazing. If I've ever seen a thing that screams "early programming" this is it. Whether others programmed you into it, or you yourself did as a misguided application of good intentions, figuring out where this one comes from might help lessen its hold on you.
1) I have a highly developed executive function. As a transactional lawyer, this is actually a pretty good trait to have - I'm given a "problem" with a mandate to "get a deal done" and I go off and do it. This works great when I have clients in whom I have confidence. I can tell them about the problems I see and the importance of the problems and various solutions to address those problems, and they can make a choice and I can go off and accomplish it. It's great. It's a little harder when I don't trust my clients to have the experience or ability to consider the big picture and place my small contribution into that picture, but I'm able to let it go since it's not my money.
But in relationships, my codependence manifests as me taking on other people's (emotional) problems and fixing them. I've learned to pare this back with my friends and others that I consider my "equals", so I throw meat to tigers all the time, but what ended up happening with my kids and ex-wife is that I became more pushy and/or am seen as "arrogant" or "not listening" when the truth is that I just don't trust that they're not going to do something dumb. But, it's not about the nail, so I'm getting better at it. I still sometimes overstep with @gravy, but I'm better at catching myself and pulling back and she's good about not taking my crap, and I trust that she is very thoughtful and smart and can figure her own shit out.
2) I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety. As applied here, it means that when I have too many of these "problems" to fix, I get overwhelmed and it starts to feel like I'm jacked on cortisol. So, for example, doing stuff with kids becomes a "should" because even if I don't want to, I feel like it's my responsibility to show the kids and teach the kids to do stuff outside rather than just sitting on the couch all weekend even when that's what I personally want to do. Or even with myself, I feel like it's my obligation or responsibility to get some exercise (biking or whatnot) and my responsible self is taking on my lazy self and trying to get the lazy self to do what it should do.
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Put these two things together, and I need to get things done quickly and efficiently so I can cross them off my list and not have this list of obligations hanging over my head. Like, even on my walk this morning, I had determined to go out for a short walk in the crisp autumn morning before work to enjoy some mental slowness and the sunshine before engaging with work. Some of these thoughts condensed about halfway through my walk and I suddenly felt an uptick in cortisol and the urge to turn back early to get home and write these thoughts down so I could get this post done. But, I was able to calm myself down and resume my walk, getting lost in crunch of the leaves and the sunshine and the blue skies and the crisp air. And when I got home, I typed some stuff up, joined some work calls, typed some more stuff, more calls, typed some more and now I'm done.
@scott and @7, yeah. We'll take a closer look when we're closer to FI to see what our actual hurdles are. Four years is too far out to model / predict where we'll be. Thanks for the insight, however. It opens the door to possibility in the future rather than just having it rusted shut, as it has been in my mind for the last ~7 years.