Candide: The Liminal Space

[candide]

Yeah, it looks like I might be signed up to put in a lot of (meta)work, needing to heavily improve in an art-form that is highly exacting and which I am structurally disadvantaged... Oh well, if I focus on it, and go process-oriented, I like my chances of getting better. But, sigh, what a shitty art-form that only exists because of the nature of these apes on this habitable rock in space.

That class signaling is tough to remedy. I've made a few attempts at part time work since retiring a couple years ago. I too give off the wrong vibes, apparently. It's funny, because in one case, I used to do the work I couldn't get a call back for. A couple decades has that effect.

Last round out of employment, I actually failed to get a job back at the very site I had worked at before after only a year a half away, and six months out from another site.... That was the low-point of that phase of being; crawling back and failing.

====

Well, I will answer comments or questions here because that is just polite, but it be a while before I have any updates on the situation. I certainly won't be live-blogging the experiments as they happen, just the results after some time.

[candide]

Work
====

Well, I didn’t feel like a heroic struggle, or making interviews my art-form and focus, so I went back to my refuge -- those who can’t do, teach, and all that. I took a job at an urban high school, with a 30-minute commute. At least I can have the comfort of not going back to my old dysfunctional, book-banning district. I have a friend who works at the school I am going to, so I know what aspects of the working conditions are better, and just as important, what poisons I am choosing. My interview went fine, they were desperate, and one of my former principals is now high up in this district (even the higher ups keep fleeing my old district, if you need more proof the culture is bad), so my soon-to-be boss simply texted him and I was offered the job before I was out the door... It’s nice to have connections in some industry, even if this is a ridiculous one absolutely on the verge of collapse.

Liminality
========

So, in a month or so I could start my planned “Another Brick in the Wall, Part Two” journal thread. But I think I am going to save that for when the job feels like a grind. For me, starting at a new site has that feel of visiting a new country for a while. Things are done slightly differently, there are people to meet, and a space to mentally map out. It might be over a year before it feels truly like a grind, but I’ll err on the side of switching the journal thread early, because it is a cool title.

I’m still at an in-between place in my life, however, so “liminal” is still a good word for now.

Happiness
========

I am going to dust back off Tony Hsieh’s checklist for happiness.

1. connection
2. meaning
3. progress
4. autonomy

I feel this list is really solid, and isn’t undermined by Hsieh’s subsequent pursuit of happiness through ketamine addiction, God-complex/belief he was Neo from the Matrix, collection of yes-men, and following his whims so tightly that he ended up living in filth and dying from a rigged up fire in a garage. (... Just listen to people to let them have you move so they can clean up your shit? Just stay off ketamine, or at least leave it at doctor-supervised doses?)

Okay, back to my life. Though I had been trying to start another career path, I was still not probably not going to get much of all four of the list items from work alone. Any time I think of autonomy, I realize the real stuff has to come from my own projects done my own way at home. Autonomy at work tends to often to be like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown. It is better to assume it is not really to be found on the job and to be pleasantly surprised when your choices are not undone. .

When it comes to meaning, just being with my child, and an occasional forest bathe seems to do it. The note to self here is to make sure I get out to the woods; put it on my calendar even, as it is one of things that falls under Jim Rohn’s point that if something is easy to do, it is also easy not to do.

Progress. Probably the easiest one to just hack, in my opinion. Just pick a game and get better at it. If that sounds empty, then go back to “meaning,” but from a subjective stand-point, meaning is the one of the four I am least likely to have missing. To make progress, and have it de-coupled from work, I am choosing chess as it allows for easy pick-up games, and has clear rankings, and good materials for free. Also, because chess is an abstract strategy game whose rules were codified long before our insane interpretations of intellectual property, the game operates in freedom (libre). Going on lichess, as opposed to news, YouTube, or other entertainments, actually fits my values... Another abstract game I am probably going to give time to is Symple by Christan Freeling. To study this game, I am doing the following: implementing it in spreadsheet columns, starting out with a smaller board to make for a quicker learning cycle, and work from the end-game backwards. Because of the difference in the size of the player eco-system, this will not yield clear progress, puzzle sets, or other tools. It is instead an enjoyable way to mix up my play time.

And that leaves connection, and that is where a job can most contribute to my happiness. I do feel better when I have a lot of shallow relationships going at once than just family and isolation. You may say that sounds like an extrovert, but a little dose goes a long way, and I do feel like I have to get away on my own a lot (a nice forest bath, anyone?)

...okay, in real time, I broke down and decided to not speculate. I went to https://www.16personalities.com/ , so let me know if that was a bad test for this. Anyway, I came out:


Your full personality type code is INFJ-T
66% introverted
70% intuitive
67% feeling
56% judging
76% turbulent

One question I feel applies:

You feel more drawn to places with busy, bustling atmospheres than quiet, intimate places.

And, no, I don’t... it just turns out some dose of that helps me get through my life feeling connected (read: non-depressed) enough to keep going in the creative and spiritual ways that I much more deeply value.

++++
Edits for readability and small wording errors.

[grundomatic]

Last school year I meant to take a sabbatical. I left, they replaced me, then at the end of summer break a different position opened up. I got scared and ended up in that job. I'll just say that I hope your "return to teaching" goes better than mine, that the new environment makes a difference. Good news is next week represents the start of my sabbatical, for real this time.

That website is the one I send my friends to. I ignore the last letter mostly because it's new and not in the old literature. INFJ and ENFJ were the most common types that I worked with at the school. I want to say that over half of my colleagues were one of those types, but I don't know where my post-it note is where I wrote it all down. Probably somewhere in all my physical baggage that I brought home from the school, which I think also represents my mental baggage.

[candide]

@grudomatic

I appreciate the well-wishes. Keep in mind, this will be my 15th year teaching in public schools (depending on how you want to slice it; it was non-consecutive due grief/ptsd-induced sabbaticals) and this will be sixth location (again, depending on the slicing -- I worked at one site two different times, and worked briefly for an online school, so does that count as a location?)

You mentioned physical baggage representing mental baggage, and I wouldn't tend to put that judgement on someone from the outside -- I have seen lots of ways be effective -- I think the opposite, having little baggage mental or physical, has helped me. For example, my wife filled an entire side of the garage with stuff she is took with her from her teaching position, and to her new job as a school librarian (also fleeing the district we used to work in). I, on the other hand, had an a folder organizer, and one shallow box of items.

I see that GTD game up in your journal recently
viewtopic.php?p=276597#p276597

I practice an off-shoot of that at work, inbox zero (actually, it's more like inbox 4 or 5, but still). The folder system has in the past been a 43 folder ("tickler") system, which was a godsend when I had 3 or more preps, but wasn't necessary at my most recent job, so instead it stored some backup documents in case of emergencies that could take out the ed-as-software model for the day.

Any time I have inherited a room with posters already up, I just leave them where they are. The class I am moving into is a new one built by partitioning off other spaces, so unfortunately I will have some decorating to do.

[ertyu]

If you're sticking with teaching, have you considered going on the international circuit?

[candide]

@ertyu

Hmm. I hadn't really given it all that much thought. But ...

If it would require moving countries, then my wife would veto it.

If it would be online/work from home, then I am probably going to be happier seeing people in person and getting holiday breaks/summer off. On-the-job autonomy seems to be a lie, so I'll use breaks and time off for my own projects of making things, my way. Meaning seems to be going well. Progress is both overrated as a value, and probably easy to hack through games. So, from the list above, that leaves connection.

[grundomatic]

I hadn't read your previous journals to know the complete job history, I just saw what was written here and could relate to, well, a lot of it.

I decorated my first room with castoffs from other teachers. Most of it came full circle when a colleague that had moved away came back and took my old job and room along with her old posters. My second room had nothing, so our first project was to make posters. I've kept some of the cutest things kids have made me and I think I'm going to hang them on the wall in my hobby room to help me remember the good times. I'll get war stories from DW to remind me why I'm sitting at home this year.

[candide]

I hadn't read your previous journals to know the complete job history, I just saw what was written here and could relate to, well, a lot of it.

Sure. I was just pointing out I've been through the cycles of burnout and renewal in this profession a few times... I read through some of your stuff, and you wrote well about the dog-tiredness that is always a feature of school teaching. You only get better at working around it -- or sometimes, dealing with it (adulting at its least fun). A school year is one of life's great marathons, and anyone who can go through it more than a year has my utmost respect... And anyone who doesn't want to go through it again has my complete understanding; I just don't know what other type of organization would see me as a quality employee.

I'll get war stories from DW to remind me why I'm sitting at home this year.

My wife got to hear mine during the last year, as she was staying home with our daughter... The stories helped her to also look for things out of our district. Also, it should help that she is going to be a school librarian.

[grundomatic]

Your words do make me feel better. I was 8 years at the same school, but at least with 4 different jobs. I've never run a marathon, but there were days when that sounded like it would be easier. My favorite thing to tell people is that "teaching would be easy if it weren't for the beginning, middle, and end of the school year".

What subject/grade are you teaching this year?

[candide]

What subject/grade are you teaching this year?

English II, so sophomores. I haven't seen the exact schedule yet, but there are some sections of regular and some of honors... let's call it 1.5 preps, which as good as I've ever had it in that regard. Teaching one section of 6th Grade Reading for Assholes the last hour of the day was no small part of what made it necessary to leave my last site. It's often that last extra prep that kills you.

Yeah, 8 years is certainly enough suffering for a lifetime. You have done your duty, and I thank you for your service.

My current plan is to teach two years, then take off two years to hang out my daughter, and then work again when she starts school, saving up for her future... As I like to say, the most extreme retirement someone can have is a trust fund.

[candide]

Making Stuff
==========

First, this little organizer made of cardboard.



You probably were able to guess that this is a drawer in the bathroom. With this, every room of our house has something in it that I have made and that we frequently use. (It’s the little things, to me; cultivate your garden and all that).

Also, since the classroom I am taking over is bare-bones, I cannot follow my normal strategy of leaving most of the decorations and using what is already in the room.

For one, I needed a lectern. And since I had a some scrap wood, here we are:



This picture is far too flattering to the piece. The wood, mostly from pallets, looks terrible up close, with the contrasts of materials drawing even more attention to the imperfections of the wood. While there was a charm to the different materials that made up this piece and we only ended up painting it to have it work in the girl’s room, this lectern desperately needed to be painted.

I have a large bucket of really cheap white paint, so I did two layers of priming, leaving us with this:



The friend whose inside intel led me to choose this inner-city school happens to be the drama teacher, so I will be able to bum so]me paint and use her shop craft space to apply the coats of paint people will see.

I don’t plan on bothering to share another picture of how it turns out, so I leave that as an exercise for the reader. In any case, it will help suspend my computer, textbook, and/or notes in air while I teach.

The point?
========

Yeah, I think I have one. Making stuff is good, even with cheap tools and a low skill level.

I know I have received some compliments for what I make in the past, but what I do is extremely rudimentary. I hope to work in the future on being able to dimension wood, but as it is, I pretty much take what I have and do work-arounds.

If you work with free materials, it should be easy to convince yourself that it is okay to experiment. And once you have a few pieces under you, anything I have made so far, you should be able to as well.

Other than my akrasia fund, this disposition toward materiality (you can make stuff!) is my only contribution to ERE practice.

What I’m trying to say is it is probably going to be a while before I post another journal entry. I will check for a week or two to see if there are any responses for me in turn to respond to, but after that I’ll just be in the mines. That, plus baby and with my wife also working means I will be really time-poor until Fall Break at the earliest.

Until then, live long and prosper.

[grundomatic]

In regards to the last prep or added duty pushing one over the edge, it has been my observation that things get piled on slowly and incrementally until the teacher breaks, opening up room for a new teacher to come in and be run into the ground. Of course, this probably isn't unique to teaching. A friend that worked for MegaCorp said they'd burn through engineers in a similar manner.

Wishing you all the best for your new assignment and new school year. DW went back yesterday, and was asleep around 7pm last night. We'll see you come fall break.

[avalok]

Hey, I somehow managed to miss this journal when it started in May, and then I wasn't on the forum much over the summer anyway. Just wanted to say I'm sorry the career move didn't work out, and I hope the new school year is going okay.

I know I have received some compliments for what I make in the past, but what I do is extremely rudimentary.

Certainly doesn't seem that way to me; always enjoy seeing what you've been able to do with what is lying around.

Hope to hear more from you in the fall.

[candide]

Certainly doesn't seem that way to me; always enjoy seeing what you've been able to do with what is lying around.

I just meant it in the sense of "anyone can do it." And I wish more people would. I love having some way to work with my hands as part of life, and it is all that much better that what I do is often useful.

Job
===

... I appreciate the well-wishes, but it does seem this job was a mistake... If I thought it was a mistake anyone else on the forum would make, I'd be more inclined to elaborate, but I'll instead use my limited free time to think more pleasant thoughts.

I will say that the person who recommended the job to me has already apologized for getting me there in light of what has changed.

Oh well, what is to be done, other than my duty, and then finding what joy I can in my time away?

[grundomatic]

Ah, damn. Happened to you too.

[candide]

Ah, damn. Happened to you too.

Indeed. You would have been forgiven if you had written "I told you so."

[OutOfTheBlue]

I want to express my sympathy, but I don't know how to do it for fear of that not being helpful. So just standing here with this and with you, in silence.

[avalok]

I want to express my sympathy, but I don't know how to do it for fear of that not being helpful. So just standing here with this and with you, in silence.

Pretty much the same here.

[candide]

That fall break finally came. It was a full week off, which is better than the surrounding districts, so there is that to be thankful for.

The first few days I healed with prolonged silence -- though not as much stillness, as I did many gardening tasks and made a few things [1].

Doing this made it clear to me how brutalizing the job really was. Then the other thing I noticed was how much better my afternoon and evening time was going with my daughter. I was able to pay attention, engage, play along and play off the threads of what she was doing... Seeing that her life would be better gave me the courage to find my way out, when the grumblings that all reason and experience shows are based on just complaints did not.

I want to express my sympathy, but I don't know how to do it for fear of that not being helpful. So just standing here with this and with you, in silence.

Pretty much the same here.

Thank you guys. Your sympathy meant a lot, even if I wasn't in a position to express it at the time. This has been a really bad experience and ends a career that had started 15 years ago, and certainly had some high points. But there is a daughter to raise, gardens to tend, and trails to be on.

Not to even try to compare with some of the great adventures that have been posted of late, but here’s some views from the side trails I have taken later on in the week between doing some of the work to unwind my career.








This is the life, man.
...

Monday is a professional development day, which means meetings and presentations without students, so I will report in with a spirit of bemusement. I will grab a file organizer and side table that I made (out of old pallet wood, of course) and it will become a part of my revamped garden. Tuesday I had already put in for a sub as I was supposed to have a dentist appointment. Well, they tried to move the date, but I canceled, citing that I would be uninsured very soon, because, you know, America. I’ll still take that day off.

That leaves Wednesday as the last day I teach, probably ever. I will tie up some lose ends, load up the rest of my stuff, and turn in my resignation.

And then I’ll be back in the liminal space.

And no longer just another brick in the wall.

===

[1] my frugality experiment here was re-using nails I got pallets in process of reclaiming the wood. Rust on the nails was removed by soaking in white vinegar for two days, and then I tried to see how well the heads could be made shiny using low-grit sandpaper. The nails have to be put back straight, which I did by either turning on the side and hammering the parts that stuck out, or using a vise and pliers. Also, I found pilot holes to be very helpful.

Nails are so cheap that I am not sure it was worth the cost of the vinegar, let alone putting any value on my time spent, but I enjoyed the process and probably will do it again if I get another batch of pallets to break down.

[grundomatic]

Welcome back to the land of the living.