The Road Goes on Forever--Sometimes in Circles

[Alphaville]

Yup. I know my tendency towards hyper sexuality would be much less acceptable if I was Howard Woliwitz. Perhaps you didn’t know that it is common in people with cyclothymia or bipolar disease? Preoccupation with gender roles is also common in people with these disorders which mess with hormone production in your brain.

[…]

Luckily, I have found that my more mature and experienced partners are generally quite accepting of the fact that my hyper sexuality is just part of who I am.

yeah one of my now dead bipolar friends and i were each other's booty calls for many years, probably for that reason. i think i realize now that we never became an actual couple because i wouldn't go along with the mania, tempting as it often was... i'd always look at things logistically, which she found disappointing. e.g. dropping everything and hitting the road: "yes that sounds cool but..."

anyway, time for me to stop metastasizing in this journal, and so i offer this hilarious cartoon to @ellerose as a way of apology:



im sorry

[7Wannabe5]

I apologize too. I will happily erase all my entries if you like.

[ellarose24]

i guess the part that always grates me about this approach is the implication embedded in this sort of sentence:

- all women understand each other
- women and men can't understand each other

i am so tired of the men from mars women from venus shit im ready to puke the breakfast i haven't even eaten yet.

I think both you and WB7 can be right at the same time.

Women and men are socialized differently, based off of how they were born (their sex). In that way, I believe gender is explicitly tied to sex, which may have people come after me with pitch forks. It is a magnified reality of sexed differences that has developed likely since we were ape.

The question is, is gender innate to a human?

I would say no, it is a cultural construct that MAY have been useful at one point. There are differences in reality for men and women, such as: women are usually weaker, women give birth, and women have periods. These make women have a shared reality--this reality was then mestatized by culture and expanded (hmm could simulacra be used in this context? haven't read the book, don't know).

So for instance, setting aside women and men, if one half of a species is weaker than the other half, the weaker half may learn to be more subversive, more agreeable, and more appeasing to -get what they want without having strength and to -prevent violence against them. I want us to look beyond men and women, because if it just so happened that men were born weaker, then I believe they would be socialized in the same way.

Similarly, men may have a slight difference in how they respond to stressors and desires due to increased testosterone, however, I believe that the impact of this testosterone is magnified to nth degree by socialization. For instance, a women who experiences increased testosterone would probably be more likely to cry out of frustration or keep it to herself until she breaks down where a man might, on the healthy side--take direct action immediately and aggressively or, on the unhealthy side--punch a hole in the wall or worse.

At this current point and time, it is true that women would understand other women more because women all live within the reality of how they were socialized. The question is--is this socialization natural and/or is it worth it?

I am often disowned from radical feminist groups for stating that it may have been natural and even needed in the past. With technological advancements, women's liberation, etc--I do not think it is needed, and I think it is harmful. Women's weakness is mostly irrelevant in most jobs, the advancement of birth control, abortion, etc means that women are not tied to the physical reality role of motherhood unless they so choose (at least in progressive countries/cultures)... etc.

I believe the recent backlash from men (incels and rising violence towards women) is specifically because women are no longer stuck in social role of wife (designated sex-doll ((not saying that's what wife is, but it was in the past. Remember marital rape has only become illegal verrry recently) and/or mother.

Anyways, this is just to say that I think there is more nuance than both "Men and women are vastly different--feminine is chaos UWU jordan peterson vomit" and "Men and women are exactly the same"

Physical reality is experienced differently, culture magnifies these differences which equals: Gendered constructs. Given every women is raised with gendered constructs that are very strict in nature, they may be able to understand each other more when it comes to certain aspects. The radical feminist goal is to get women to think outside of gendered constructs. Further technology may be able to obliterate them altogether, but it will take generations.

As far as the answer to men and their socialization, I don't know and i don't care. Men need to figure that out for themselves and it is not women's job although many feminists think it is. Women have enough of their own shit to unlearn. Toxic masculinity is not the responsibility nor fault of women, in fact, women are most often the victims of it. The fact that men are victims too is irrelevant to women. Uh oh, I feel myself going on a rant. That's for another day.

Erm... did any of that make sense.

[Alphaville]

Erm... did any of that make sense.

hahaha yes! that was a good writeup.

for the sake of keeping your journal yours i'll spare you a long reply...

i just want to qualify that i never said or implied that women and men are identical. that's not possible. and i'll add... men aren't identical to all other men in terms of gender; and women aren't identical to all other women in terms of gender either. we have a great gender diversity which traditionally has been erased by folk notions. but we're now finally having our copernican moment.

just to clarify, my theoretical position here is that gender diversity suffers erasure/dismissal/mischaracterization/alienation/etc. when described as mere derivation from platonic idealizations of heterosexual binary "masculinity" and "femininity".

did i make sense too? (i hope so, lol)

[ellarose24]

Yes you did! Although it sounds like we may disagree on whether gender itself should be celebrated in it's diversity or abolished altogether. Perhaps the answer is somewhere in the middle. I haven't found an answer I like from either radical feminists or the current gender idealogue. For instance, radical feminists will at the same time say that gender is 100% social construct and then say that all men are innately evil ??? Or they will admit that biology is the main oppressor of women but then be disgusted with trans humanism ???? Never makes sense to me

On the other hand, the main spat between radical feminists and the current rhetoric around gender is that most people want to celebrate gender as a commoditized identity wheras radical feminists want to get rid of gender altogether. Yet radical feminists also misdirect their anger and make fun of trans women who wear dresses or wear makeup... The problem is they take this as celebrating gendered ideology that women are oppressed by. But in doing so, they reaffirm gender roles that men should not wear dresses or makeup.

The subject is altogether sticky and difficult and it is for that reason I tried to initially keep it out of my journal--but my main focus I think would be on moving women away from identity constricted by gender and that this constriction limits their choices and increases consumption--going back to my post in which feminists create guilt in being against career or consumption, and also those who are against career and consumption are relegated to women who occupy traditional roles such as mother and wife.

[ellarose24]

Back to regularly scheduled programming--further thought about times in my life that I want to get back to--one of those when I was on leave from my job and living out of my car in the rockies--found journal entry from that time and will post here for me to come back and reflect on:

--

Driving to Estes park—Take the corner and look down into the valley and feel pure bliss. There’s a market outside, and you walk around with (pup), tying her to the door as you go in for ice cream. The lady that serves you is in her 80s, you chat with her a bit about the changes in CO, tell her how you went here as a little girl for vacations and it gave you your undying love of nature.

That evening you have dinner at a fancy italian restaurant alone. You bring Whitman’s poems and read as they serve you. You order a glass of cheap red wine. The waiter says something to you, you think he’s offering you free desert but you can’t be sure as he has a thick accent, and don’t want to presume, so you say “no,” thinking you might end up having to pay.

That night you sleep in a parking lot. It’s August, and the nights are cool. You keep the window up as you and (pup) snuggle together for warmth.

You sleep only a couple of hours, you’re up at 4 AM and go into Rocky Mountain National Park. It’s early enough that there’s no one manning the gates, you get in without having to pay. You go to the hike that’s typically overrun with people and have it to yourself—sweet solitude. The hairs on your arms are on edge as you realize this is the perfect time to get eaten by a cougar. It’s the most beautiful hike you’ve ever been on—you stop blaming the crowds. At the end of the hike, there is a lake cornered by large canyons with small tails of waterfalls you can barely see without your glasses. You turn around to go back and happily say “hello!” to the constant stream of visitors making their way to the lake.

You have breakfast at your favorite diner. “Ah, it’s you again!” Says a familiar face from last night’s dinner. He says he is Turkish, getting his masters and working for the summer. He did, in fact, offer you a free dessert last night. You flirt innocently until his manager tells him to go back to work. You promise you come here every weekend. It’s the last time you’ll go.

You sit in your car and listen to John Denver’s “Rocky Mountain High”

He was born in the summer of his 27th year
Coming home to a place he'd never been before
He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again
You might say he found a key for every door
When he first came to the mountains his life was far away
On the road and hanging by a song
But the string's already broken and he doesn't really care
It keeps changing fast and it don't last for long

You never listened to those lyrics before, but they seem strangely prophetic.

You take (pup) to a park on the edge of a river bank and lay in the sun, perfect content. There’s no reason to read Whitman, you get him. It’s time wasted. Tomorrow you’ll drive to Death Valley, the sarcastic barista told you that’s where the “real” Coloradans live, and your determined to become one of them. For now, your happy with the sun washing over your body.

[Alphaville]

Yes you did! Although it sounds like we may disagree on whether gender itself should be celebrated in it's diversity or abolished altogether. Perhaps the answer is somewhere in the middle.

my initial university training was in biology, and i worked for a while in the amazon, where my mind exploded with the amazing diversity of life in a climax forest (a diversity that my own work threatened to destroy, lol, so i quit the science business altogether.)

long roundabout way for me to say i'm for celebrating and protecting life in... most of its diversity anyway.

my position here still attempts to be scientific rather than political, though. meaning, i try to recognize reality for what it actually is. and this is why i reject platonism as a philosophy: nature is not a reflection of some "world of ideas."

if i have any politics... maybe it derives from that. i try not to put ideology before facts. but as some historians of science have shown us (thinking particularly of donna haraway, whom i haven't read in ages now) science is also informed by culture and ideology. so there's always a dialectic going there.

but yes, it can be difficult to argue with people in ideological warfare mode. i see justification in such attitudes though. when get tired of being abused, they might take arms... so even if i may intellectually disagree i try to understand where the rage is coming from.

but another option can be escape... maybe this is where ere tools can play a role, as i think you're saying?

The subject is altogether sticky and difficult and it is for that reason I tried to initially keep it out of my journal--but my main focus I think would be on moving women away from identity constricted by gender and that this constriction limits their choices and increases consumption--going back to my post in which feminists create guilt in being against career or consumption, and also those who are against career and consumption are relegated to women who occupy traditional roles such as mother and wife.

yyyes. if it devolves into ideological warefare it might get locked

but yeah, i think you do have real problems to solve in this context. so checking this warning from that thread:

The short answer is, therefore, that by starting threads that can easily be politicized, you risk losing them. In particular, if they contain little in terms of personally actionable details and much in terms of normative abstractions on what other people should do, it doesn't take much anymore.

i'd think that while abstraction is necessary to a point... sticking to personally actionable details as much as possible should help keep your research safe...

best wishes with that! i look forward to reading. oh you just posted something else. i'll stop now...

[ellarose24]

my initial university training was in biology, and i worked for a while in the amazon, where my mind exploded with the amazing diversity of life in a climax forest (a diversity that my own work threatened to destroy, lol, so i quit the science business altogether.)

long roundabout way for me to say i'm for celebrating and protecting life in... most of its diversity anyway.

my position here still attempts to be scientific rather than political, though. meaning, i try to recognize reality for what it actually is. and this is why i reject platonism as a philosophy: nature is not a reflection of some "world of ideas."

if i have any politics... maybe it derives from that. i try not to put ideology before facts. but as some historians of science have shown us (thinking particularly of donna haraway, whom i haven't read in ages now) science is also informed by culture and ideology. so there's always a dialectic going there.

but yes, it can be difficult to argue with people in ideological warfare mode. i see justification in such attitudes though. when get tired of being abused, they might take arms... so even if i may intellectually disagree i try to understand where the rage is coming from.

but another option can be escape... maybe this is where ere tools can play a role, as i think you're saying?



yyyes. if it devolves into ideological warefare it might get locked

but yeah, i think you do have real problems to solve in this context. so checking this warning from that thread:



i'd think that while abstraction is necessary to a point... sticking to personally actionable details as much as possible should help keep your research safe...

best wishes with that! i look forward to reading. oh you just posted something else. i'll stop now...

Wow--I wish you'd write a journal!

Yes, problems with marxist analysis, which radical feminist stems from, is grouping people and black and white thinking. Idealogical warfare mode is hard and can suck you in if you identify with any of the tenants of "oppression" in whatever form that might take. That was me and the draw is still sometimes there. That is why I try to keep these compartmentalized, I do not know how to bridge the gap in agency vs victimization. So much of society's answer to very real victimhood and trauma is further victimhood and no agency. I suppose it is normal for a traumatized society to have maladaptive coping mechanisms LOL. DBT for instance makes it clear that almost all current ideologies require black and white thinking (All men are evil, all white people are evil, etc etc). This breaks down if you belong to more than one point on the axes of oppression. I believe that's where intersectionality tried to bridge the gap, but failed. Like you, I try to understand where traumatized minds are coming from, but given my own mental state, I have to sometimes rebel so that I can find some semblance of agency in my life. This of course gets me labeled as a conservative

Long story short, the internet sucks.

[7Wannabe5]

the weaker half may learn to be more subversive, more agreeable, and more appeasing to -get what they want

Exactly, and also why the subtext of my conversation with Alphaville yesterday is actually more interesting than the text

Across species, including humans, males engaged in competition tend to show acute shifts in their levels of steroid hormones, such as testosterone and cortisol. These hormones change in a matter of minutes surrounding a competitive event, in anticipation of the competition and in response to its outcome (1, 2). In humans, men normally demonstrate an increase in cortisol before competition (3, 4). After the competition male winners tend to maintain their testosterone levels, whereas male losers’ testosterone decreases (5, 6). In other animals, competing males show similar rapid changes in glucocorticoids and testosterone, since these hormones are thought to mediate energy allocation toward mating effort across species (7–10). Because competition for overt markers of status and mating opportunities is more relevant to males, these effects are less consistent in females (11–14). Beyond these typical patterns, there is also high variability within and between species in the nature of the hormonal shifts surrounding competition that may be shaped by the psychology underlying competitive behavior.

Two main psychological factors have been implicated in governing the endocrine changes surrounding competition within and between species: implicit power motive and coping style. Implicit power motive, in the human literature, denotes an individual's drive to achieve high status (see ref. 15 for a review). Men with a high power motive are more likely to show increases in testosterone before competition and, depending on the outcome, stronger shifts in testosterone and glucocorticoids after competition (16, 17). Implicit power motives may drive between-species differences as well. In a comparison of a territorial and nonterritorial mouse species, only the territorial species showed an increase in testosterone after a competitive event, whereas the nonterritorial species showed no significant changes in testosterone levels (18). Coping style, on the other hand, quantifies how an individual responds physiologically across numerous stressful events, such as competition (19). Individuals with a “passive” coping style are more likely to show greater glucocorticoid increases before the competition than those with an “active” coping style, who show a less marked increase in glucocorticoids (20). Lines of mice bred for low aggression tend to exhibit passive coping styles, and the associated large glucocorticoid shift, more than lines of mice bred for high aggression (21). These results suggest that appraisal of competition and the corresponding endocrine shifts surrounding competition vary between even closely related species according to the significance of competition in that species’ behavioral ecology.

from "Differential Changes in Steroid Hormones Before Competition in Bonobos and Chimpanzees"

https://www.pnas.org/content/107/28/12457

I guess my question would be whether it is in alignment with radical feminism and/or radical energy descent frugality to make use of semi- subversive means to get the kind of sex you fully own that you enjoy and/or fundage for your permaculture/low-income-girl-math-tutoring projects based on the science in the article above and similar?

Women I know who have taken testosterone, including my youngest sister who identified as gender neutral and dated many trans-gendered individuals until her mid 30s (and produced a short documentary related to this which won first place at the Toronto and Austin Film Festivals) and my closest sister who suffered great discrimination in treatment for sexual side effects of cervical cancer from conventional medical community, have told me that it is a good mood-brightening energizing drug. Since hypersexuality is correlated with bipolar disease and cyclothymia, women with this genetic tendency, including me, are often hyper-sensitive to testosterone, so just a tiny dab of cream can cause extreme sexual excitation. I also had a housemate who transitioned from female to male and then back again to female. She told me that she didn't like how taking testosterone made her horny all the time. My DD29s best friend from age 4 who worked for my business when they was a teenager also identifies as gender neutral. They recently married a bisexual man whom my daughter used to have a domestic/bed-cuddle-buddy relationship with not unlike my current sex-neutral relationship with my last remaining polyamour The Cowboy. IOW, my current take on gender is NOT due to lack of exposure to a great many alternative postures and experiences, it is transcendent of this experience, but too difficult for me to explain in full every time the topic comes up.

[ellarose24]

I guess my question would be whether it is in alignment with radical feminism and/or radical energy descent frugality to make use of semi- subversive means to get the kind of sex you fully own that you enjoy and/or fundage for your permaculture/low-income-girl-math-tutoring projects based on the science in the article above and similar?

That would be more in line with Vindicta as well as another subreddit which I forgot the name of--I've sometimes come to these same thoughts! They make me feel bad though, and if I rationally follow that logic, I would get plastic surgery and further fulfill my gender role for subversive payout later on. It makes me feel yuck, but I think it's a valid way to go. In fact, I was heading down this route before coming back into ERE thought. The problem with popular movements of this variety tend to originate from femcels (yes it's a thing) who hate being women lol.

Despite being bipolar, my prudish nature mixed with trauma does not usually extend into hypersexuality, instead it just extends into very intense monogamous relationships that start and move into marriage talk and then end quickly. In that way, I think we may have a disconnect in thought--sex with men is in general not enjoyable for me. So you may have different insight in that you experience a drive that many women don't

IOW, my current take on gender is NOT due to lack of exposure to a great many alternative postures and experiences, it is transcendent of this experience, but too difficult for me to explain in full every time the topic comes up.

I like your takes, I don't think anyone is right or wrong--ultimately these discussion end up in headache as I can see infinite points of view. But my point on commodification of identity I think still rings true and largely impacts women. It also seem that your sexual drive makes our experiences likely very different.

[ellarose24]

--Quick point--

I am doing a digital detox (what an awful way to say I will not be on the internet) and so will not be on for the next 30 days in case it seems I'm ignoring responses.

I would like to move on from radical feminism, gendered expectations, etc. I ask that if we continue this discussion--it moves to another thread, although with politics closed I am not sure if this is possible lol.

--I ultimately left radical feminism behind because I found the focus on women as an oppressed class was only useful to pinpoint problems, but not useful for personal agency. I think it is important as it does filter some of my thoughts and views as I work out my role as a consumer and as an agent in my own life, however, the recent discussion is bringing me back to pre-consumption and initial consumption of these thoughts and it making me crave ugly online spaces that I would like to not go back to. Ultimately, the problem is that there is no full digestion and I don't think there ever will be. In that way, it is nice to be aware of why I have existential gas, but probably not nice to focus all of my identity around it. (um, did that make sense)

I am spending too much time online and reading the book, it only comes into my web of goals if I am intentional. Instead, I am using online spaces to make me forget that I am ultimately isolated. I need to come to terms with that and not run from it. This means intentionally using this forum to track ERE progress instead of using it to validate my various neuroses.

See y'all in a month.

[Alphaville]

Instead, I am using online spaces to make me forget that I am ultimately isolated.

a potent observation that... hits close to home. best wishes with the detox!

[ellarose24]

I failed at my digital minimalist and wanted to come here to.... well I'm sure I will receive judgement, some kindness, commiseration, I'm sure some will not understand, most have probably given up reading after my rambles. But I am back here to COMMIT despite these (many) set backs and the many setbacks that will come.

I believe that me delving (back) into radical feminism set me up for something very bad. My SO left for the week. I began to read old diaries that talk about some trauma that I do not believe will ever be resolved, because engaging with them ends up in things like what I will detail now.

On top of reading these journals detailing some of the worst of abuse I have received (yes at the hands of men, it is only important so that it can be understood my reaction)--I also watched a show detailed "The Morning Show" that is a very raw and I think realistic, from my own experience, look into what life was like in (certain) environments before #MeToo, and to be honest was pretty light compared to my early experience in financial sales--where people making less that $50K would watch the Coffee for Closers clip and thought Wolf of Wallstreet was someone to aspire to.

I began to feel extreme rage, to be honest I started to feel backed in a corner. I obviously, as everyone here knows, have a different experience than many women, and it is precisely because of much of my trauma that I have a neurotic obsession with it and how it impacts me. Well I spent less time sleeping, just becoming more and more angry. My mind thought: The way to escape is power. Pure power. Whatever power women can get in this world, power so I could call out the first person that... did what he did to me, and did to other women as well, and now is a fucking doctor with access to women's body without question, all because all the women against him dropped their charges out of fear. As well as various other men that destroyed me, often left me feeling like a shell of myself.

There is truth in both spheres--the problem with growing up with abuse, and with being abused early on, is that men can absolutely sniff it out on you. And those that are well adjusted stay away, and those that are nefarious are attracted like honey to a fly. And so some women can't understand how you can have repeated experiences when they have had none, and men don't understand how this happens when none of their friends and they aren't like this. The truth is that insecurity, self hatred, etc etc--it is VERY visible. It is absolutely visible in the way you hold yourself, your lack of confidence, your inability to look people in the eye, your childish affects, and so often women who have had one bad experience have that snowballed until their reality looks like something very different than others.

Why am I posting about this in an ERE journal? Because I am trying to understand what happened last week. I was sad at first, then became increasingly angry, I stopped sleeping. My mind was "I am going to show all of those fuckers and I am going to have as much power as I can ever gain so that they fear me and they fear what I know about them."

This is where I find it really hard to understand bipolar "moods" and trauma responses. I suppose they are both. Because I did stop sleeping. I also decided "FUCK ERE" and also fuck sustainability and I give absolutely zero fucks about anything except what happens to me and how much power I have.

This involved spending close to $1000 on things that I thought would make me more powerful. See earlier conversations about "weaponizing femininity." I had an image of being both extremely attractive and extremely scary to men--I wanted to throw that to them. This is also where feminism relies on capitalism. Because what power do women really have? Besides being sexually attractive to men, which is in itself not very powerful--wealth, extreme wealth, seems the best alternative. I researched "wealth signifiers" so that when I go somewhere, people know to be intimidated by me. I dyed my hair and chopped off about 6 inches

Oh my god, I know how fucking crazy this seems. One thing I am proud of. After about 3 days of this--including not eating at all, not sleeping, etc, I realized something was wrong. I realized this when I somehow broke my toe and it was leaving a trail of blood and I didn't even notice it.

My mind clicked, I decided to smoke a joint. Smoking the joint brought me back to reality. I sat in shock and horror, and cried for a bit, and called my doctor. And I upped my medicine to almost double what it was, which makes sleep take up about 3/4 of my life (currently). I may have to add other medicine. Oh well.

It is very weird how my mind fragments like this. To be honest, even with ERE I was stressing myself out with guilt, not doing things correctly, etc etc. I need to find a middle ground. I am not going to run away from ERE like I did last time this happened, I just have to find a way to navigate that will be vastly different that anyone else. And it may be, the more I read the ERE book, that it doesn't have anything to do with actual dollars, net worth, savings rate. It may be focusing more on the web of goals, developing a very strong sense of self that cannot be shocked away in rebellion or (more likely) fear. If anyone is well versed it trauma responses, it is more like my mind is in flight--it runs to what it think will be the safest--which is security, stability, power. But that is not who I am, it never has been. I decided to look at some of my friends who DO have that, "generational wealth" ==it felt so vapid, it made me sick that I was fixating on that. (another thing I did was buy $175 for golf tournament and money to have the right outfit--networking I told myself" I GREW up with the fucking country club assholes. I hated them, they make me feel so gross, like I have to wash myself after engaging with them.

Obviously this all sounds like insanity which it... kind of is. But I am writing to further commit myself, despite this very large blip. Some rules I have for myself, I cannot engage in traumatic media (traumatic to me)--I cannot engage in radical feminism, I cannot re-read and re-hash previous trauma. I do need to consistently and strictly come back to my actual values--not values based out of fear. That seems to be the root of it--fear pushes me into split personalities. I remember when I was a child, I used to think that another person inhibited my body sometimes, like kept all my memories, but someone the personality was totally different. I feel that way now. It is terrifying. Will have to think very hard about how to move forward.

[Alphaville]

dammit, this is heartbreaking, to see someone go from "inspiration"(fun!) to... mania, i guess? i am so very sorry. it's scary and worrying. and so much pain... i'm glad you made it out ok (minus the toe i guess) and glad also to see you were able to reach your doctor (and that you have a good doctor).

is there something that we--you can call us your readers i guess--are able to do to help out? and please count me as a witness if you need a witness. and again, thanks for sharing. so much i don't know or understand... it's good to be able to see, and learn, and understand a little bit.

beyond that, i'm afraid to say anything that clearly i am not qualified to say. but i do wish you the best, and seriously if we can help somehow... please lay out your rules for readers? i just don't know what to do/say. don't want to pretend like i didn't read either... like im ignoring it.

anyway, also, as @ertyu likes to say... strength!

[ellarose24]

i just don't know what to do/say. don't want to pretend like i didn't read either... like im ignoring it.

Absolutely nothing and not your responsibility to do/say anything! Or to even read if it gets exhausting. It does mean a lot to have someone sympathetic. I suppose one thing that could be done, simply if it's noticed and if reading my journal isn't stressing you out--but when Gilberto very nicely told me he though my head was spinning in regards to the AC situation--that was very much appreciated. I believe that may only come from him having experience of someone like me and being able to pick up on it so easily. Obsessions are so much fun, until they are not.

For now, I am going to try and interact only with my immediate environment, and not grand plans of saving the world through anti-consumption and debating the merits between an all native yard vs permaculture lol. I need, in the truest sense of the word, an extremely simple life. I do not need ambition--only gratitude. That is what I will focus on.

Thank you very much for responding. But I want to make it clear that it is NO ONE'S responsibility and I truly hope those that do lurk don't think I'm coming across begging for attention and/or help. I have my doctor, support system, therapist, and many checks and balances in place. In fact, it may sound strange, but I am very proud for "catching" myself this time. I had inklings it was developing for a while. But I cut it out before too much damage and I think that is actually progress. (Anti psychotics are miracle drugs)

[Alphaville]

haha no it doesn't get exhausting, it's fascinating, it's hugely illuminating, but also it's a story of real actual pain, so... i can take the stress, it doesn't destroy me, and i have empathy so i cannot / don't want to ignore. anyway... ok. thanks for the absolution.

[ellarose24]

Back in the saddle again.

Brainstorming some rules for myself.

-------------------------------------
-I cannot engage in feminist rhetoric. I do not know if this is actually corporations controlling the narrative, or if it's because women are now addicted to the power (of consumption and being wealthy)--but it is extreme in most feminist discourse unless you get to "true" radical feminism but "true" radical feminism is now essentially an identity of hating a group of people rather than it's initial purpose in the 60's-70's. If I am trying to pin back where my mind split this last time, I believe it was there. And what do I see on the front page of one of the subreddits that I follow--one that I support while acknowledging it is kind of toxic? Something to the effect of "these women bragging about how cheap their wedding was or how cheap their engagement ring is, what "pick-mes"(this is what they call any women besides themselves)--they are just trying to appease their male."

This was well timed as I was already thinking about how many modern offshoots of feminism, even many that I support, still see women having wealth and SHOWING wealth--in the form of consumption (name brand bags and heels etc to "treat themselves")--is an ultimate form of liberation. And I also, after this last episode, understand exactly how this works. Because it is true that when backed into a corner in this way your exits look like either giving up into obscurity or playing the game and winning.

I had already decided this months ago but it keeps coming up. I am going to read the original 2nd wave feminists instead--very much against consumption.

All in all, I think current society has created a class of extremely traumatized women. And while I love being able to have my reality reflected back to me and know that I am not alone, I also do not want to engage in their unhealthy thinking patterns--those of which I am very succeptible.

------------------------------

For a long time I have had a hard time distinguishing episodes vs trauma responses, and doctors have told me separate things. My last second opinion said that I have major PTSD and that my episodes were actually dissociative episodes (give some of them came with complete lack of memory). Given I have had about 5 doctors all tell me something wildly different, I have settled on this. I have bipolar in some for or another--this is supported by my mother's own diagnoses. I also have severe trauma. Bipolar episodes are brought on by stress. Because of trauma, something seemingly insignificant will bring about intense stress and boom--i'm in an episode. But it also sort of feels like these episodes are a way to escape reality (dissociative). The difficult part for me is that it's not just my mood that changes, but my entire value system, personality, etc.

Either way, I think what I need to do is: Talk to doctor about addition of more medicine. Potentially take leave from work. Start DBT again. Perhaps actually deal with trauma so this shit doesn't keep happening. I don't know?

----------------------------------------

I want to give M all of my credit cards. Gender dynamics come into play. He does not want to do this, because his father controlled his mother's money. He doesn't want to feel like he controls my money. I am begging him to control my money as I do not have the capability to do so myself. In fact, what I would really like is to deposit my paycheck to a joint account that I don't have the password to, and he sends me an allowance. My feminist friends would be SHOCKED! I don't care. I suppose alternatively I could put my bills on autopay, cut up the credit cards, and direct deposit a set amount to a different account. Another thing would be throwing money into CDs or buying actual bonds to tie it up, since I'm already maxing out 401k.

---------------------------------

Another weird thing about my episodes that I really hate is that they are not obvious to the outside world. There will always be a group to welcome me. It's not like I think I'm the second coming of Jesus. It's like I am staunchly anti-consumption and haven't spent money in three weeks and then I feel the need to be a ruthless dragon-lady with all the accessories to match. I find audiences on either side that will cheer me on. I am not at that level of bipolar where a stranger might say...uh... dude... get help. I am also VERY good at arguing my side. I can argue either way perfectly, and argue how I'm not manic at all I've just had a change of heart due to X, Y, Z and these changes are a natural conclusion to my former beliefs. It is so exhausting, for me and everyone around me.

----------------

During the past week I gave up all habit I had slowly added over the past 6 months. I want to reiterate that I am very lucky I "caught" this about a week in, although I could feel myself ramping up for some months. Usually lasts months. I have haldol as an emergency drug. Very effective, if not scary, drug.

--------------------

My new habits will need to be adjusted as my sleep has gone up due to medicine. Averaging about 12 hours of sleep a day. That gives me about 3.5 hours to do... whatever there is to do. I think my goals for this month will be to clean, as cleaning involves some physical exertion and also gets things done, and make sure I go to work every day.

my long term goal for this month is to find some sort of a buffer between my money and me. I will research more. obviously, credit cards need to be cut. Send money to a savings not tied to anything else. allowance in a checking account with debit card, maybe 200 a month? And autopay for everything else. This will require some thinking which is hard as I feel perpetually drugged. M was actually very sweet and said we would work on it together, so perhaps we can do that Saturday.

[ertyu]

I suppose alternatively I could put my bills on autopay, cut up the credit cards, and direct deposit a set amount to a different account. Another thing would be throwing money into CDs or buying actual bonds to tie it up, since I'm already maxing out 401k.

I think this is the best solution. You could have your salary deposit into one account and set up the necessary transfers and withdrawals all at once. Maybe you can do this at a bank branch and have a teller help you and never open the envelope where they tell you the pin code for your online banking. the teller would think it's weird, but who cares. I'm sure you aren't the only person who needs a solution like this in place, e.g. addicts often need a similar system until they get themselves together

[Jean]

I don't know how to help you, but just want to let you know that having read your journal will help me to have a lot more empathy toward people i usually get in conflict with.
For your money buffer, maybe just buy crypto every month whit your income's leftover? They are volatile enough (and the fees are high enough) so that you maybe wouldn't just use them in a spending spree. Just an idea, don't know if it would work for you.

[ellarose24]

I don't know how to help you, but just want to let you know that having read your journal will help me to have a lot more empathy toward people i usually get in conflict with.
For your money buffer, maybe just buy crypto every month whit your income's leftover? They are volatile enough (and the fees are high enough) so that you maybe wouldn't just use them in a spending spree. Just an idea, don't know if it would work for you.

I'd love to have you expand on this.

Texas' new abortion law and various incidents with my hispanic partner have us both seriously considering leaving the state. I don't know if it's in my head or if women's rights really are going backwards. Racism I know has always existed, just grew up thinking it was a thing of the past. We could both move to Denver. Our house would need a new roof. We would probably break even if we sold it now, and the prices in CO are ridiculous but I'd be fine renting.

I started my CFP, got the books last weekend and am retaking the modules I've already taken because too much time has passed for them to count. It's strangely really refreshing to have something to keep my mind busy. I'm finding when I'm bored I just reach for the books and start studying. I loved college and I think I need mental stimulation--perhaps it will help with the other issues. It is 100% reimbursed by my company and will give me a 5K pay raise. The thing is, I've done planning before. At this point, it's almost all CRM and software. People try to quantify qualitative data (risk tolerance) and .. I think advisors and planners are becoming just like doctors--input shit into a compute and 30 minutes sessions to have enough people as you can a day. I'll stay here to get my CFP, perhaps some other qualifications (or not, I may decide to quit, who the fuck knows)--but ideally I'd like to gain certifications and then work for a smaller company that does strictly planning.

I set a list of goals with an excel spreadsheet and actionable items. Not much on the ERE front. Main goals for next 6 months: lose 20 lbs, find community (either through volunteer or meetups), finish CFP, $12K in separate savings account. The CFP is a stretch goal and I won't beat myself up if it takes me longer. It's self paced unlike the last time I started it--I actually think I will likely go faster because of this. I am doing yoga and rowing every other day. Taking it slow because my hips aren't in alignment and my joints hate me. I don't know about finding community. I usually made friends over time through my hobbies, but all of the moving, and covid after, has made me essentially friendless (except for my childhood friends who I don't particularly like). I have $800 of my paycheck going to a bank account that I don't have the password to--in order to build up untouchable savings.

Talked to my psych/therapist today and he was very impressed with how I handled this last episode--in that I was able to recognize it, increased meds on my own, and took other steps (such as shortening this work week, reducing media consumption, using my emergency meds as soon as I realized). This has given me a bit of confidence. The truth is I will live with this disorder for the rest of my life, what is important is how I handle it. $1000, chopping my hair off, and a broken toe is a bit better than moving across the country, spending over $50k and dipping into my retirement, getting into a relationship with a drug addict, etc. Lol. I think the fear of becoming my mother is a humongous gift. Also, the appeal of mania doesn't call for me anymore. When I was first diagnosed, I flirted with mania quite a bit, chasing the highs. I have a healthy amount of fear and respect for it now.

Not out of the woods yet, meds are still masking what is an immense amount of energy, irritability, and anger. But I'm alright with it, just gotta ride the wave for now.

Part of my spending was an apple watch. I actually think it is a very good purchase for me--tracking my sleep, activity, etc. When those things go out of wack is when I know an episode is coming on. "Mood trackers" don't mean shit. Tracking my sleep specifically is huge.

Partner is also tentatively bringing up marriage. Would be good for health insurance, but I don't ever ever ever want to be dependent on anyone. I really think we could ERE in the next 5 years if I put both of our savings together, but I refuse to do that. I don't believe in commingling assets. I hate feeling indebted to anyone.

Going to keep my head down and focus on my goals for the next 6 months. About all I can do currently.