Sometimes I write when bored

[LookingInward]

I've noticed I tend to think and behave more compulsively when I'm bored. Right now it's one of those moments so I came up with the idea of starting a Journal. Disclaimer: you probably won't learn anything here and maybe it's a boring read. The objective is to discharge boredom and feel like I'm "building" something. I could just write an offline journal but publishing tickles my craving for progress. I get the same feeling when playing Massively Multiplayer Online (MMO) games. For example I'm currently playing Final Fantasy XIV (FFXIV) and it is very much a story driven game. I usually don't care much about such games but because you "build up" your account by progressing in the story, I end up doing it, even if at a relatively slow pace and being quite critical of it. So basically posting here it makes me feel like I'm leveling up or something .

A therapist would probably say: what you should do is to sit down with those thoughts and try to understand why you crave progression and productivity. Well writing usually helps to sharpen my thoughts so I guess doing this journal can help in that regard. Anyway, I listen to Sam Harris on occasion and he is a huge proponent of meditation (he even created an app to help the practice). According to him meditation is the best way to learn about your internal experience. I find it extremely hard to practice though. As I said at the beginning I am a bit of a compulsive and impulsive person so it's a tough mix. Funnily I was so bored that I decided to listen to one of his talks about boredom. That gave me two ideas: I will either practice meditation or I will start my journal. The first just seemed too hard so I went for the second option .

I guess I will stop writing for today. Maybe I will think a bit more about my desires and motivations or I will bite the bullet and do the dreaded meditation session. Oh and to be clear I am quite skeptical about the hype around it, but I guess trying won't hurt.

[ertyu]

I'd say write. You can write as little or as much as you want. Writing makes you stay with your thoughts and gives you the time to get to know yourself. Both meditation and journaling would add to your life if your usual way of going through your day revolves around having your attention captured by things outside yourself. You'd probably have a hard time sticking to writing or meditation because they won't capture your attention the way "outside" things do; you might find them boring and hard to stay with for that reason. They won't be "fun" in the same way. But sticking with them even if it isn't fun, and even if it takes A WHIIIIILE to actually work would help a lot with your evolution as a human being because it would even out the balance between inside and outside. When you get to know yourself better, you'll have better relationships and you'll make better decisions. I say it's worth it even if it feels boring to you. Whether it's a boring read to others is irrelevant.

[LookingInward]

@ertyu Thank you for taking the time to comment. I agree =)

Moving on to today, I feel jaded and tired. Yesterday I got fixated on unlocking cooperative play in Genshin Impact (game me and SO are getting into) so I went to bed after 1 am. That is a big no for me because I tend to wake up very early regardless of how rested I am. So today after studying some solid hours in the morning I just had to take it easy. That means no gaming for the most part, it just makes me more tired.

I started reading Sam Harris' book "Waking Up". I've read it before and found it very confusing but it was also a very turbulent time of my life. I am not a big reader or a fast one but after 2 days I am at 9% completion . I'm trying out having have this metric easily accessible on my reading device (phone) to see if it helps me to stick to a book. I am interested in the subject matter, I'm just not a fan of reading in general. The book starts out really well with a very simple but powerful exposure of our behavior as species: looking for pleasure, avoiding pain; every pleasure/goal/achievement is fleeting and we are always left wanting for more. So the question is: once we recognize the game we are playing, how best to play it? I'm skeptical I will take anything practical out of this book but I am interested in the topic nonetheless.

As I said in the original post I tend to be a bit compulsive, even (or especially) when I need to rest. It's very hard for me to do so. I start running scenarios of what to do next and usually just get stressed, paralyzed and confused. It's funny how it happens a lot when I'm transitioning from work to free time. I keep a lists of to dos, of things I'm working on, of media I am consuming and that I need to finish in order to "do it properly". It's basically insane. I am becoming more aware of it but it's a work in progress in the very early stages. I think this obsessiveness derives from anxiety around perfection and optimization.

[LookingInward]

Decided to take a break in my day to reflect on what I'm doing. When I get into "auto" mode I tend to overdo whatever it is that I want to do (usually video games) but I end up regretting it later. Yesterday was a quite positive day for me, got a lot done, took a nap in the afternoon and felt balanced.

I'm currently finishing a Master's degree and I just want it to be over. I am fed up with the artificial problems presented to you in school. Most exams are a waste of time. The last class I need to pass requires us to memorize a bunch of numerical procedures that no one in the real world memorizes except when they do it 100 times. Personally I feel demotivated to do such crap but I do want the diploma for signaling to society. Besides this exam I also need to do a Master's thesis. I've probably spent more than 100 hours this year working on it and now my advisor has vanished. I understand professors are busy people but he should have just told me she couldn't take any more students under her wing. Now i'll probably have to bin the work I already did. So after the exam in December I have to decide if I'm still doing this topic or if I'm starting fresh, including a new supervisor. Every year the students are presented with a list of possible topics and some are straight out described as easy and fast. I decided not to go that route because I actually wanted to learn and contribute to the literature, but I don't know if I want to spend many more months doing research mostly alone and with no income source. Oh yeah I had a part-time job but the position was terminated last week. I do have significant savings so I'm not too concerned about that. Wasting more of my time on something I'm not sure adds any value and is costing me money makes me feel uncomfortable. I could be saving money and working on actual problems, both in the market place and in my own life.

[ertyu]

Suggestion: the thesis etc. may be bullshit, but spend some time reframing. Why would it benefit you to go through the process anyway? And I don't mean "I want the result, a diploma," I mean things like, "I want to go through this process because it would help me to develop skill X or to practice Y type of thinking which in turn is something I want because..." This will help you (1) struggle less against the desire not to do the thing because it's pointless BS - the process would be easier to go through, and (2) it will help you make maximum efficient use of the fact that you've had to go through the process.

[LookingInward]

Bored again, time to write. I feel like my mental health has been going down again since last week. I had my last school exam in the middle of December and I spent maybe a month completely hooked to Football Manager (FM) (a game where you are the manager of soccer clubs or international teams). I don't understand much about football or sports but I am good at the managing part so I got some interesting results in the game which lead to the addiction. It was very intense for me and it distracted me a lot, maybe even in a net positive way. But eventually I started getting upset at what was happening in the game so I decided to uninstall it. I did it at the right time because I'm starting (or restarting but that's another story) my Master's Thesis and I am motivated and available to do it.

But going back to my mental health: since I dropped FM I found myself with a lot more free time and I naturally gravitated towards the things I always do such as other video games and a TV show or 2. But every day that passes I've been feeling more bored, disengaged and "grey" or depressed. The pandemic certainly doesn't help. Sometimes I want to visit friends but I always end up not going because the country's health system is quite stressed at the moment and I don't want to make it worse. I try talking to friends remotely but it just isn't the same. Feels almost like a chore and I end up just putting that to the side as I do with most things in my life.

I feel like I really need to get to the point of the thesis where I'm actually programming and doing things and not just reading. I'm not a natural reader. I get distracted easily and lose focus mid sentence frequently. But recently I read an ENTIRE book that actually helped me to clear up my thoughts: Manage Oneself by Peter Drucker. I read it in less than 1h but it reassured me that I should stop being so hard on my self about the things I'm not good at and have repeatedly tried to make stick without success. According to the model in the book I am a writer and not a listener. I learn by doing, writing, talking and I have a very hard time just "absorbing" things.

I also applied for a few jobs in the past two weeks but with no success. It's ok though because I am still finishing my degree and I am applying for Computer Science positions which is not my area of studies. It might take a while but I am determined to work by myself in order to become some sort of programmer. It's something I enjoy doing because it's very interactive and it allows you to try and retry things without a penalty. If you compare it to building things in real life, it's much "cleaner" and I really appreciate that. I am that kind of person that positions objects in a certain way and then hates it if I have to move them for some reason. The way it is is perfect and I don't want change =p. In the digital realm it's easier to move things around. You juts copy, cut, paste, comment, etc.

Anyway, I decided to write to try to clear my mind a little bit. I'm feeling like a prisoner at home and I quickly run out of ideas of how to turn things around psychologically. Right now in my country you can only go out to work or get groceries and medication. So I've been going to the grocery store almost everyday just so I get out of the house. It's a clear case of increasing spending due to mental distress, but I think it's the best I can do right now. I am also thinking of getting a new (used =p) video game next week to try to mix things up but I will think about that during the weekend. My budget is tight and a game is not a necessity.

One thing I've been thinking lately is how spoiled our generation is with regards to entertainment. You can get so much stuff for free either because that's the business model or your a pirate. In my future budget for "helping others" I will also include paying for many things that I currently pirate. But aside from the free, even paid stuff has tremendous value. If you just wait and buy things after the hype, the enjoyment/price ratio is huge. Sorry for the rambling, but writing does help me think. Regards.