
I was totally against it for what seems like 20 years. No way was I ever going to get in with big pharma. I hate those vultures. I was sure that pharmaceuticals were not right for me and I was simply verifying that it wouldn't help.
I have some previous experience self-medicating with chemicals for the treatment of intractable depression. I tried microdosing LSD for a while several years ago. Some very slight benefit, but I felt that it was probably imagined. ('200 Mikes' would be a great name for a band.)
Ketamine was interesting. The 30 minute high is a wild artificial electric kind of buzz that I didn't really like at all, but then some slight relief from depression for several days afterward. I've read a lot that says ketamine treatment is very promising and I believe it, but I'm not willing to pay the cost or keep trying to obtain it illegally.
In my experience St John's Wort helps with irritability, but not depression. I tried it years ago with no benefit and wrote it off as ineffective for me. Years later I figured out that it has a short half-life and tried it again, giving it a full 30 days before passing judgement. I don't notice anything when on it, but if I would skip a day then I would be irritable the day after that. It would take a couple days for the St John's Wort to build back up in my system and steady my mood. I've benefitted for years.
I've read plenty about not mixing St John's Wort with SSRI's, so I was even more apprehensive about the prozac because weaning off the St John's Wort would probably make me nasty. Stopping one while starting the other could be a terrible roller coaster ride all for nothing. After years of consideration I chose to do it.
A few months ago I took a good opportunity to carry out the experiment on myself when I went to work. 30 nights in a hotel room alone, if it all went horribly wrong DW would never know. Well, it didn't go horribly wrong. Anti-climactic, no drama at all. On day five I suddenly noticed that the depression knob had been turned down a few notches, simple as that. It has held steady for 3 months. This doesn't suck at all. Biggest breakthrough in forever.
So why this weird sense of disappointment that the prozac IS helping? And why the hell have I still not told my wife about this? I'm obviously having a problem with the stigma. Sort of feels like cheating, like it's not an authentic victory. My victory over beer is authentic and triumphant. 26 months ago I kicked alcoholism in the balls sofa king hard it went down and stayed down. It's still laying there next to that park bench where I left it gasping.
Of course now I've painted myself into a corner. What I'm thinking now is that I would like to take this pill every morning for the rest of my life. How is that going to work? What's it going to do to my brain chemistry? Neurotransmitters are kind of important, what are the unintended consequences? I don't know, I guess now is not the time to worry about it, keep calm and carry on.
(This was not advice. Don't do any of this. Drugs are bad, mmkay.)