3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

[plantingtheseed]

Hi ertyu,

..

p.s.:
The rationale is as follows:

1. Sometimes focusing on something else to channel the energy in the midst of multiple issues can calm one's mind.
2. It will immediately restore harmony to the household (and get your parents off of your back )
3. If it works out, then it's a bonus. If it's doesn't, you haven't lost anything.

[Jason]

Assuming this apartment magically disappeared 10 yrs ago with my parents, I would probably be renting a small attic room somewhere, translating amateur gay porn from Russian to English for free, spending lots of time hanging out at coffeeshops, and reading all the bullshit books in the world. Also, sudoku.

I think you need a companion. How about a talking cat. But not just an ordinary talking cat, but a despondent, suicidal, Slavic cat that over time, shoots a bullet into its asshole 9 times before it doesn't come back for good.

[ertyu]

Dude, I need therapy, but you do too

Why the need to come on my journal specifically to put me down does it help you bust an ego nut or what

If you need -this- to feel a sense of self-confidence and control, it's you who should be getting a life

Be supportive or get lost. Life is full of enough grumpy old cunts. I live with one, don't need a second one to come tell me I don't jive with his notions of masculinity

[Jason]

I'm in therapy. You obviously don't read my thread. I'm kind of hurt.

In any event, I was joking. I didn't realize cats carried firearms in your neck of the woods.

[ertyu]

I'm in therapy. You obviously don't read my thread.

Well, what an excellent thing to bring to your therapist in your next session then

Seriously - I like you, you have an awesome dry sarcastic sense of humor, but you need to cut this crap

[mrchopboy]

wrote a pretty length post, which got lost when I tried to submit it Don't have it in me to rewrite it all but wanted to share something. I've enjoyed reading your journal ertyu, your honesty is refreshing. I resonate with quite a few of the things you've written about. I think the interaction with your father was a win in my book. My dad disowned me once (possibly twice cant' remember now) for rejecting the life he had planned for me (I didn't want to be an engineer). I've gotten into numerous shouting matches over the years, said hurtful things I wish I could take back, and in the end I still want his approval and desire a connection with him. The stuff our parents say to us have incredible power. I never realized this until I had my own kids.

Others have said this, but it's clear you have very many intellectual gifts, powers of observation, sensitivity, introspection, all very valuable (and dare I say rare) qualities in the world. Do you feel like the world doesn't value these qualities of yours? Do you doubt whether you could offer value that the world would be willing to pay you for?

I could not cut it as a professional 9-5 drone. If my heart's not in it, I can't fake it enough to stick with it. I feel your anxiety over money and stability. If you're not against working part time or taking up freelance/side gigs, have you tried listing out the skillets that you could monetize without much additional investment (education/training etc.)

A few years back, I was dealing with depression in a way that I had never experienced before. Recently married, kid on the way, not happy with my life trajectory, feeling trapped and overwhelmed by all my regrets/past mistakes. My wife begged me to go see a therapist, I resisted for a long time. I have no problem taking out my shit and being open, but I don't like paying someone to listen to me talk about my shit and offering advice on how to address it. I know it works for a lot of people, but I was deeply skeptical. And I really didn't want to spend the money as I hate spending money. Long story short, my first appointment got cancelled by the therapist and I never rescheduled. Then a few months later, my sister bought me a ticket to go to one of Tony Robbins' three day events. It was full of rah rah, feel good shit that drove me a little crazy, but the one thing that really stuck with me is the idea that motion has the ability to influence and completely alter our emotional state. I decided during that weekend I would commit to running every day for the next month.

I noticed a change in my emotional state immediately. Ups and downs for sure, but noticeable and lasting change. It's been almost two years now and it's the bedrock of my self-care regimen. I don't know if you're a runner or have tried something similar, but might be worth a shot if you haven't. Anyway, looking forward to seeing you on the other side of this.

I'm an internet rando so my opinion should be worth shit to you, but I think the world would be a better place with you at your best.

[ertyu]

thank you all who took the time to write. i will think about the suggestions you gave.

today i wanted to write about a moment of clarity i had when i saw myself from the side and didn't like what i saw.

i have shared that over the past month or two, i have spent 1 to 2 nights a week drinking with former classmates, etc. i noticed an aspect of my behavior that i wasn't fully conscious of and that doesn't make me proud. when drunk, I have acted out my inferiority complexes and my desire to impress people by dropping hints about how much money i have, or otherwise talking about how much i have traveled etc., e.g. having mentionitis about places i've traveled to. I have probably come across as insufferable. or possibly pathetic, to those who have seen through my efforts to impress others and somehow win their esteem by bragging about being rich/financially independent and being traveled. Because of acting out my inferiority complexes, I have not only been obnoxious to be around. I have also been unknowingly cruel to those in my surroundings who are maybe down on their luck financially or otherwise can't afford to travel. And last but not least, I have put myself in danger. While I have not mentioned concrete numbers, I have hinted at people around me that I have FI-level money. Hinting this to a couple of people is enough - the town is small and people will gossip. Also, I have made obvious a weakness - my desire for attention and approval. Even if no one scams me tomorrow, this is my home town, and it's a small town. I will still probably be connected to these people for years to come. As I age and to struggle with ever-increasing feelings of irrelevance, I have positioned myself as a prime target: someone comparatively wealthy who has behaved insufferably and whom no one likes, and who has an obvious character weakness one can exploit.

I am not sure how I could be so oblivious about this. How I could be so blind to my own behavior to such an extent and for so long.

I do not like who I become when drunk, but I guess I at least got to face the truth about myself. I remember having intentions to be stealth-wealth because that is the wiser way to be. Now my inability to keep a secret when drunk and my inferiority complex and my neediness for esteem and approval have fucked all this up.

Unsure about my next steps, but my behavior around this needs to change. Drinking is the obvious elephant in the room. If I stay here long term, as it increasingly seems like might turn out to be the case, I need to learn to socialize without drinking. My lack of family and other close friends I can be completely transparent with and trust is resulting in a brand of loneliness which, while not painful on a daily basis, is making me a prime target for being used and taken advantage of. The cat is, I guess, already out of the bag because I am stupid. I need to think seriously about this over the coming months and I need to become a better person and change.

[Hail_Diogenes]

thank you all who took the time to write. i will think about the suggestions you gave.

today i wanted to write about a moment of clarity i had when i saw myself from the side and didn't like what i saw.

i have shared that over the past month or two, i have spent 1 to 2 hours a week drinking with former classmates, etc. i noticed an aspect of my behavior that i wasn't fully conscious of and that doesn't make me proud. when drunk, I have acted out my inferiority complexes and my desire to impress people by dropping hints about how much money i have, or otherwise talking about how much i have traveled etc., e.g. having mentionitis about places i've traveled to. I have probably come across as insufferable. or possibly pathetic, to those who have seen through my efforts to impress others and somehow win their esteem by bragging about being rich/financially independent and being traveled. Because of acting out my inferiority complexes, I have not only been obnoxious to be around. I have also been unknowingly cruel to those in my surroundings who are maybe down on their luck financially or otherwise can't afford to travel. And last but not least, I have put myself in danger. While I have not mentioned concrete numbers, I have hinted at people around me that I have FI-level money. Hinting this to a couple of people is enough - the town is small and people will gossip. Also, I have made obvious a weakness - my desire for attention and approval. Even if no one scams me tomorrow, this is my home town, and it's a small town. I will still probably be connected to these people for years to come. As I age and to struggle with ever-increasing feelings of irrelevance, I have positioned myself as a prime target: someone comparatively wealthy who has behaved insufferably and whom no one likes, and who has an obvious character weakness one can exploit.

I am not sure how I could be so oblivious about this. How I could be so blind to my own behavior to such an extent and for so long.

I do not like who I become when drunk, but I guess I at least got to face the truth about myself. I remember having intentions to be stealth-wealth because that is the wiser way to be. Now my inability to keep a secret when drunk and my inferiority complex and my neediness for esteem and approval have fucked all this up.

Unsure about my next steps, but my behavior around this needs to change. Drinking is the obvious elephant in the room. If I stay here long term, as it increasingly seems like might turn out to be the case, I need to learn to socialize without drinking. My lack of family and other close friends I can be completely transparent with and trust is resulting in a brand of loneliness which, while not painful on a daily basis, is making me a prime target for being used and taken advantage of. The cat is, I guess, already out of the bag because I am stupid. I need to think seriously about this over the coming months and I need to become a better person and change.

You probably could have guessed that I'd chime in on this one. Can definitely relate.

I'll try to keep this one brief, because I could fill up pages on your journal about this topic. Feel free to PM if you want to chat about it more.

I'll cut to what I think will be the most productive piece - learning how to have fun without drinking.

It'd be fair to assume that I'm a full blown drunk due to my post history. The funny thing is, I rarely drink on the weekends. If I go out with friends/girlfriend I'll usually have water or a redbull.

The thing I have to be careful about is the people I'm around. Some motherfuckers just drive me to drink. It's not peer pressure. Far from it. I have to mute them somehow.

So I'd start there. Are the people you're meeting up with even worth your time? It's possible that they're insufferable and the booze just makes them more tolerable. If that's the case, keep on trucking til you find people that don't annoy the piss out of you. Bonus points if you can have a good laugh together every now and then. It's insane how hard it is to find folks who meet those two standards lol.

If that's not the case, and you actually enjoy being around these people, then there are a couple routes you can go.

Switch activities - bars suck. Kinda follows my last point. Intolerable environments drive me to drink just as much as intolerable people do. If these folks are solid friends I'm sure they'd be down to hit the gym, park, campground, whatever.

I could go on and on and on man. Seriously, feel free to shoot me a PM if you want.



Regarding the accidental slip of the tongue. Yep. Know that feeling and the days of paranoia that follow. I don't know your town, so I can only speak from my experience here, but from what I've seen people are so damn busy waiting for their turn to speak that they don't hear you. The few who do probably won't believe you. If they do believe and they're the type of people to go spreading your business around town, cut them off. Don't just avoid drinking with them. Avoid them entirely. I'd rather be solo than have people like that around me.

[Frita]

This whole COVID thing creates more stress for all of us. Quitting your job, being back home with the ‘rents, hanging out with friends from past regressive relationships...what a CF! It won’t last forever. Please don’t beat yourself up too much for reacting to an unusual and highly stressful situation. Learn what you can and move on.

[ertyu]

The only thing that works *for* me here is that left on my own devices, I don't purchase alcohol and I don't miss it. This isn't a physical dependence issue, this is entirely an interpersonal and socialization issue / one of the many varied and joyful reasons why ertyu really should be seeing a shrink. Drinking is what this crowd of people does. It's a way to spend time hanging out with people. I am having thoughts like, if I weren't drinking I wouldn't be hanging out with anyone, and that's probably something I need to question and throw out, too.

It's no one's surprise when I don't show up to these drinking events for a week or so, so I will take the next week to reflect. My previous solution was, "I will go I will just not drink that much" which I have kind of managed to stick to - past me on these occasions used to drink until very very hungover and sometimes puking the next morning and then needing to spend the entire day sleeping it off, and current me "only" drinks until beer fog. But it seems like this partial solution, while comparatively successful in its execution, is not optimal in the slightest. I might try going but not drinking at all. @HailDiogenes, I strongly suspect that you would turn out to be right and it would be revealing. Mostly, I think drinking in this case serves as a tool so I can lie to myself that these friendships are better than they are and that I belong with this group of people. But yeah. Definitely reflection time.

Thank you for the compassionate response, Frita. I will do my best to treat myself with compassion, too, and see what I have to learn here.

[ertyu]

To go a bit more meta with a thought I just had, I think the above is a perfect example of how for me, the pursuit of ERE isn't, and can't ever be, just an engineering problem. E.g. in the above, a need to socialize and belong to a peer group is met dysfunctionally in a way that results in a money outlay. I can make all the spreadsheets and budgets in the world, but the key snag here is psychological - resolving my own issues of inferiority and belonging, and building the soft skills to relate to a peer group without being an insufferable idiot who can't keep his mouth shut and who has made himself a prime target for someone's con game with his bragging about his finances and his obvious, painful need for esteem and belonging. If anything, for me the psychology is primary to the engineering when ERE is concerned. At every stage, the key snag has been psychological, requiring me to deal with my relationships with family and peers, with my own issues, with my own fears, insecurities, confidence in own abilities, etcetera. I assume this is the F in the INFP, but it is also a neat illustration of how different people will necessarily pursue this process differently, and how a how-to manual of how-to manuals is indeed the only thing you can write if you want to give them quality advice.

[plantingtheseed]

If you would permit me to nail it down a bit, you need a woman, man.
..

[classical_Liberal]

If you would permit me to nail it down a bit, you need a woman, man.

Respectfully disagree. It appears @ertyu is currently in a self discovery phase of some very powerful esteem issues. Things such as chemical use, or a new relationship with a SO, are merely crutches to avoid this painful and difficult process. They will only hinder progress, and it's highly unlikely a healthy relationship will form.

Keeping working on it @erytu! good luck!

[plantingtheseed]

True, that could be. I think he's capable of figuring that out. Sometimes, all it takes is someone next to you that listens.

[ertyu]

Respectfully disagree. It appears @ertyu is currently in a self discovery phase of some very powerful esteem issues. Things such as chemical use, or a new relationship with a SO, are merely crutches to avoid this painful and difficult process. They will only hinder progress, and it's highly unlikely a healthy relationship will form.

Keeping working on it @erytu! good luck!

Word. This sort of thinking assumes that a woman is how you get "someone to listen" in your life, and that's a gender dynamic i'd rather not get into -- where you can't really form actual male friendships that revolve around anything but mute parallel play and you're so stuck up re: talking about feelings that you end up using your significant other as a therapist. If you're lucky, you get a sane person that goes, "uh, dude, sorry but i can't handle all your crap, get an actual shrink." if you're unlucky, you get codependent shit. A relationship won't fix you. It just stirs your shit in with another person's.

[plantingtheseed]

Sounds good. Well, keep at it, I'm sure you will find the answer eventually.

[mooretrees]

Like you've offered me before, I feel for you. I hope you can make it though this hard time sane. I'm rooting for you!

[ertyu]

Well, last ever payment from old job has arrived. A person stacking shelves in my home town makes approx. 800 of our money per month; at 2% WR, stash generates 725. So we begin.

Thanks @mooretrees for the well-wishes

[ertyu]

@bigato, 800 of our local currency! lol that's between 350-380 euro per month depending on exchange rate. Is this still feasible? I think I told you, I had a grad school classmate who used to do this: get a job as a management consultant (he hated it), work 60-hour weeks for as long as he could stand, save as hard as he could, then go down to rio and blow the money over a year or two -- then repeat. He had gotten sick of it when I met him: he was in his late 30s and was ready to lead a serious life. Then worked for the world bank and now for the us gvt, according to linked in

[ertyu]

Not the route I would personally take, but my classmate used to find a single, professional girlfriend and just shacked up with her which is one way to do it I guess.

350 euro a month is approximately one minimum wage here. As I said, someone who stacks shelves at the grocery store or works the till at a gas station would probably make that.