Financial versus Social Capital

[Clarice]

How do you manage this dilemma? Some strategies that were proposed here on the forum include the following:
1. Fake it until you make it;
2. Ignore social capital (based on the discussions here - difficult for the guys in the dating pool);
3. Choose your friends carefully - create a special community;
I'm sure I'm missing some items on the strategies list.
Is this a conscious choice for you? How do you make these calls going through your day? Is it a factor when you decide on "the big ticket" items? What is "the big ticket" for you?
You can obviously increase your social capital by means other than money: excellent health, good looks, big muscles, but... when you have your husband's sister's birthday party tonight and you know all these b...ches will be dressed to the nines what do you do?

[IlliniDave]

For me personally, having a strong introvert trait, financial capital has primacy as in my thinking it provides the most independence. Of course money alone won't provide everything, and for social capital (I don't think of it in those terms, makes it sound too transactional) I look primarily towards family. I don't know if that is a "investment" with good returns or not, but for now I look at it as an arena where I can do some good rather than a resource to exploit. Technically I can be said to be in the dating pool, but it is not something I consider urgent.

On your list the first half of item 3 is a good one. I typically don't consciously interact with other people in a way that I'm calculating the future benefit to myself. I don't use the spending of money to signal status. If anything I'm the opposite. The only two things that might be called strategies in my little aresenal:

1. Treat the people I encounter kindly
2. Take the time to listen to people

I can't offer advice about how to compete with other women in your social network. It may be introversion, or waning hormones as the hands of the clock wind ahead, but I tend to avoid jostling for position in social hierarchies nowadays.

[7Wannabe5]

but... when you have your husband's sister's birthday party tonight and you know all these b...ches will be dressed to the nines what do you do?

I typed a much longer more complex answer, but lost it (perhaps a blessing-lol.) Easy-cheesey answer, based on my assumption that you are located somewhere like unto Seattle, would be do series of random image searches using key words like "Ecuador fashion", "Milan teenagers street", "Detroit art scene", "1940 Seattle Society pages" and then quickly scroll/filter for "might look good on you", "unique", and "could be replicated very inexpensively."

[George the original one]

Mainly #3. One or two people at a time, with a shared interest and outlook on life. Shared interest & outlook is not limited by religion or politics, though they sometimes limit the interactions. Do not approach as quid pro quo, rather pick people for being genuine and interesting.

The only family you can choose are in-laws, so hopefully you got lucky with the one you were born into. Fortunately if you were unlucky, you have the option of disassociating yourself from them.

For dressed to the nines, a little black dress(*) that highlights your assets with an appropriate jewelry piece (**) usually elicits the appropriate response. If asset-challenged, make sure you're wearing happiness because happiness trumps clothing. LOL at myself because I have no clue on addressing the male version of presenting a successful front, so rely on being happy and trusting that it trumps my clothing choices.

(*) "LBD" can mean different things depending on weather & setting. Flower-print skirt with black top, white outfit with large hat, etc. Over the years, I've always been successful at finding suitable inexpensive LBDs for women who were out of their element when dressing up.

(**) Jewelry can be a string of faux pearls or simple gold or silver necklace or slim watch. A flashy opal pendant or earrings is suitably different from diamond clusters that people notice. Remember "less is more". If you have thick wrists, don't use bracelets or slim watch to draw attention to the wrists!

[EdithKeeler]

The larger question of social capital is one I really struggle with. I’m smack in the middle of the scale between introvert and extrovert, and have always tended to have a small handful of really tight friends. Geographically, though, we’re scattered. I’m working on increasing my circle of acquaintances to hopefully find a few local good friends.

The other question re. clothes—classic is always best—imho, you can never go wrong with black or navy dress or slacks and a couple of timeless accessories. Good advice from Coco Chanel:
“Fashion fades, only style remains the same.” And
“Simplicity is the keynote of all true elegance.”

I always think of those casual Lilly Pulitzer dresses—a lot of them still look fresh today. Or Audrey Hepburn for dressy... or Katharine Hepburn for sporty casual. Most of those looks are wearable to this day.

Of course, I love preppie style.

[jennypenny]

Don't ignore social capital. You can buy it if you want (tithing at church, volunteering regularly for different charities), or you can throw your money around in other ways. I'm very uncomfortable in social settings, so I've developed my culinary skills and at gatherings I tend to hide in the kitchen or contribute to the party by bringing good food and wine (I like bringing food or wine with a 'story' so I have something to talk about).

As far as dressing ... we had a thread on that (unfortunately, I can't find it right now). Basically, I have a small wardrobe of quality stuff and I wear it everywhere. It's mostly black, grey, navy, and white, with a little khaki for over the summer. I keep some scarves to make the outfits look different.* I don't care what others are wearing when I go out. I always wear nice jeans or dark slacks, a plain shirt, a scarf, and a cardigan or trench coat depending on the occasion. I never wear skirts or dresses or colors (except the scarves). I wear the same makeup that I wear every day except I'll add a little more eyeliner including smudging some into the crease, and maybe an extra coat of mascara. All of my clothes (including boots, shoes, and coats) match each other, and everything I own fits into my armoire. I really like the simplicity of it and it means I don't need a variety of lipsticks, hair accessories, jewelry, etc ... everything works together. At this point, no one expects me to dress differently.

* I buy them when traveling so they also have a story I can talk about. At this point, people know to buy me one as a souvenir if they see something I'd like when they are traveling, too.

[Clarice]

@IlliniDave:
When I first encountered term "social capital" it rubbed me the wrong way as well, yet... it has its uses. I totally get the introversion part - I am an INTJ myself... and on the waning side of hormones as well. A funny thing though has happened to me lately... I am getting more extroverted. I am not a bookish 20 yo I used to be. I am suddenly looking at the social patterns around me with seeing eyes. I think, "Oh, it's a fun game, which I can totally win" - something that our quick-witted ENTP cousins figured out when they were 10.

@7wb5:

Ha-ha! Great advice. I can totally see myself wearing this look:

https://www.google.com/search?q=ecuador ... IH-2taM3sM:

@GTOO:

"wearing happiness" is something that I am doing a lot lately. The idea that I can actually do that and quite well just recently hit my slow pattern-forming INTJ brain. When you said, "asset-challenged" what assets were you thinking about, financial or the other ones?

@EK:
You've mentioned many times in your journal that you intend to move. When you say, "local good friends" what locale do you mean? This geographical mobility catches up with you and exerts its toll - talking from personal experience. And about clothes... simplicity of Coco Chanel is VERY expensive.

@jennypenny:

Your personal style sounds right to me. Do you have an yearly price tag on it?

[jennypenny]

@Clarice, since you asked, here's a sample wardrobe. I'm 52, so adjust accordingly if you are significantly younger (although only the shapes should change, not the style).

I went with Eddie Bauer, Gap/Old Navy, and Macy’s because they run 30-40% off sales regularly. You could always hunt around for similar pieces at consignment shops. Always get washable materials for your core wardrobe, even with sweaters. These are inexpensive to mid-range versions of the clothes. If you’re going to upgrade a little, upgrade the boots and jeans and maybe the trench coat. You should be able to get exactly what you want for those on eBay.

For the clothing (assuming 1 of everything except 2 each of the t-shirts), the total is $574. With 30% off that would be $401 and 40% would be $345 for everything brand new. The two pairs of shoes are $200 but they are easier to get on ebay or in an outlet or something. The scarves listed would be $93 ($65 @30% off or $56 at 40% off). Like I said, I usually buy these on sale or when traveling. I also ask for them for gifts.

So regular price for everything would be $867, 30% off = $607, 40% off = $520. That’s if you bought it all at once with typical fall sales. You can do better if you take the time to piece together high quality stuff second hand (even though I don’t think 500-600 is a lot for a completely new wardrobe that is very functional IMO). I was just trying to give you a sense of what my wardrobe looks like.

I don’t spend much every year except on undergarments and a worn out item or two (like white t-shirts). I try to ask for replacements (or useful gift cards) as gifts. I sometimes update the looks with a scarf in the ‘it’ color to look fashionable. I have three handbags — a leather coach bag I got as a gift 20 years ago, a black leather backpack-style bag, and a red bag DD bought me in China. They’ll last me another 10 years at least. Full disclosure … I also own cowboy boots, a flannel dress coat, workout clothes and sneakers, dr martens and teva leather sandals (both owned for 20+ years), flip flops, yoga pants, two pair of Eddie Bauer horizon shorts, and a pair of their flannel lined pants for winter. I also own more than 2 of each t-shirt since I travel for 2+ weeks at a time.

If I don't have to replace anything this year, I'm going to look for a black blouse, leather jacket, and maybe more feminine shoes to try to pull this outfit off for dressier occasions. I think they'll work with what I already have.



Here are samples of the clothing items …

grey cardigan https://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?c ... =305439052

black cardigan https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product. ... =285230012

long cardigan (any flattering color) https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product. ... =284707012

white t-shirt https://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?c ... =241893042

grey t-shirt http://www.eddiebauer.com/product/women ... ype=&size=

black t-shirt http://www.eddiebauer.com/product/women ... ype=&size=

3/4 sleeve t-shirt http://www.eddiebauer.com/product/women ... ype=&size=

dress slacks (pick a flattering style) http://www.eddiebauer.com/product/women ... ype=&size=

travel trousers http://www.eddiebauer.com/product/women ... ype=&size=

jeans https://www.macys.com/shop/product/luck ... _pos~zPos2

trench coat https://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?c ... =907719032

lighter weight parka https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product. ... =338987002

black boots https://www.macys.com/shop/product/easy ... _pos~zPos4

heeled loafers https://www.amazon.com/Lauren-Ralph-Wom ... B075LTC37X

scarves:
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product. ... =285371002
https://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?c ... =308136002
https://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?c ... =349780012
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product. ... =285393082

[EdithKeeler]

@EK:
You've mentioned many times in your journal that you intend to move. When you say, "local good friends" what locale do you mean? This geographical mobility catches up with you and exerts its toll - talking from personal experience. And about clothes... simplicity of Coco Chanel is VERY expensive.

Trust me, I get it re moving. But I also find that in the past I’ve tended to avoid making connections because I was going to move.... then moved and took time to make connections.... then moved and wasn’t sure if I was going to stay, so best to avoid entanglements.... it takes its toll to be lonesome and not have connections. Lately I’ve been trying to “live in the moment,” Which is not something I’m good at.

As for style—you don’t have to spend Chanel $$ to have simple classic style.

And my observation is that it’s often best to dress and be in a way that works for you. If you’ve got to dress in certain clothes or brands, etc to be accepted in a certain group, then maybe that’s not the best group to be in. Especially if those clothes/brands etc make you uncomfortable psychologically or financially.

[George the original one]

When you said, "asset-challenged" what assets were you thinking about, financial or the other ones?

The other ones. Recalling one ex-girlfriend, her only physically redeeming feature was being a redhead. And I never understood why I knew she was trouble for me when she walked into the room... thankfully she was interesting.

[Clarice]

@jennypenny:

Wow! That is very thorough. That's a tutorial I'll be using for a long time. Thank you.

@EK:
Veering off topic, I'd be very interested to know how this "live in the moment" thing is working for you. It's something that is not my strength as well.

@GTOO:
Going back to your previous post, I can see how wearing happiness and wearing smart clothes are connected. Dressing well - > feeling confident -> exuding warmth, happiness, cheerfulness. For example, when I wear a pair of good heels and a well-fitted bra I have an hourglass figure, without these two elements - a tad bottom-heavy, which makes me a tad self-conscious and less outwardly cheerful.

[7Wannabe5]

@Clarice:

GTOO and jennypenny offered better advice-lol. I was assuming the "LBD" and making suggestion for how to find an interesting "scarf" if/when it seems like you have nothing in your closet, and for whatever reason you feel like it is in your self-interest to compete with fashionistas. For instance, the "Ecuador fashion" collage immediately suggests Panama hat and/or bright block print. If you investigate one page further in bright embroidery mixed with metal work is suggested. You can see these elements in the traditional dress.


It wouldn't take very much money to take the basic blocks of the look jennypenny posted above add just a dash of the above and convert it to something like unto this:



or this:



I would note for the record that my own usual look is something like unto "slob minimalism", but I have a weird knack for picking out cute outfits for other people for less than $10 at a thrift store.

[jennypenny]

@Clarice -- Sorry if that's more info than you wanted/needed. Overdressing/overprimping is a pet peeve of mine. That doesn't mean I don't care about how I look or avoid makeup and other types of grooming. It just means that I've developed an efficient look that works for me in most situations. I'd rather spend my free time reading books than constantly trying to keep my look updated.

@7W5--What I posted can be adapted to different styles. I choose to go with that look because I'm tall (easier to find pieces that fit), a bit masculine looking, and those pieces are easy to pack (except for the boots but I love boots).

[EdithKeeler]

Veering off topic, I'd be very interested to know how this "live in the moment" thing is working for you. It's something that is not my strength as well.

Constant work in progress.... some moments better than others.

[jennypenny]

I don't think the 'live in the moment' thing naturally correlates to ERE.

[7Wannabe5]

@jennypenny:

I meant to affirm what you posted. My basic wardrobe is similar to yours. In fact, I am on a 3rd mid-life crisis kick to get everything I own besides garden tools down to fitting into a 40 liter backpack and/or bike trailer, but I decided to hold on to one designer leather bag full of "fancy" (never know when a white lace push-up corset might come in handy ), and my wide-brimmed straw hat which looks surprisingly stylish on me given that my BF purchased it for me in a hardware store in Hale, MI

[jennypenny]

I knew you were agreeing with me. I only wanted to mention that the wardrobe is adaptable depending on a person's style. Someone could buy wide-leg black pants, a flowy white shirt, bell bottom jeans, and an hermes scarf and look like J-Lo, but the basic principles would still work.

We all have our secret stash of goodies. I wear a boonie hat, not a straw hat, so my stash is mostly tanks and boy shorts.

[IlliniDave]

I don't think the 'live in the moment' thing naturally correlates to ERE.

Hmm. I think living "in the moment" does, but living "for the moment" does not.

[7Wannabe5]

Hmm. I think living "in the moment" does, but living "for the moment" does not.

Strongly agree. For instance, on other thread, Jacob wrote about other people never "thinking" about personal finance, but it's really more like they are never in the moment "doing" personal finance. Some people in the moment "do" personal finance, and some people in the moment "do" fashion, and some people "do" both.

I mean it's pretty easy to determine why my beautiful, professional dancer, 21 year old niece does fashion more than she does personal finance, and why my 79 year old multi-millionaire friend does finance more than he does fashion.

[jacob]

Strongly agree. For instance, on other thread, Jacob wrote about other people never "thinking" about personal finance, but it's really more like they are never in the moment "doing" personal finance. Some people in the moment "do" personal finance, and some people in the moment "do" fashion, and some people "do" both.

When I do fashion, I just bring my grub hoe.