Halfmoon's journal

[7Wannabe5]

@halfmoon:

I want to apologize for possibly my most graceless post ever. My first marriage was like a bowl of plastic fruit. My second "marriage" was like a delicious bowl of fruit that turned toxic. My recent attempts to obtain grapes from one vendor, oranges from another, and bananas from a third has just made a bit of a mess. You are lucky to have a marriage that has not just been successful, but truly passionate and purposeful. Love isn't co-dependence.

[Farm_or]

Great story. Reminds me of the hours and days that I spent in literally, a mile of trenches for my pivot project.

Long story short, I had hired a hand to help me with the ten inch pressure rated irrigation pipes. The company screwed up the order (after I corrected it, twice) and we ran out of pipe. During the two weeks that it took to get more pipe, the weather turned very nasty. The backhoe had to stop because the trench would collapse during the wait. My hired hand couldn't take the conditions and quit. My efforts to hire another were futile. I ended up working alone for most of it. A couple of times, the backhoe operator got down in the trench to help me catch up, but I hated that because I was already asking too much from him. I had to fabricate a wind block to keep the cold from freezing him on the backhoe since his back window was busted out. Looking back, he might have liked getting off the hoe just to keep the circulation going?

I spent many cold mornings and evenings working alone in the trenches trying to keep up with the backhoe. It was so cold I had to scrape the ice from the pipes to mate. I had to rotate two buckets of the lubricant since it would freeze after a couple of hours in the cold. The things we do when you have to?

Funny part of the story: a neighbor stopped by to see the progress. He's got an overly energetic Russell terrier who zooms to and fro. He didn't see the trench and ended up on his back four feet under ground looking up. Somehow, he didn't get hurt and we all got a good laugh from his unexpected sudden disappearance.

[Jason]

Our life together has been textbook co-dependence based on blind trust, mutual adoration, shared goals, unconditional commitment, spirited disagreement and literally forsaking all others. That last one comes at a cost for the survivor when one of us dies first. It was well worth the price for us, but we're very odd.

We have found ourselves in similar position, minus the geographic isolation. With no children, fractured relationships with siblings and in my instance lone remaining parent, and few friends who have scattered, this is not going to change. Plus, once you fall into this type of situation, you don't function well with people who spread out their affection a little more. You just don't feel it. Eggs in one basket type of thing. We have considered every precaution in terms of each other's initial demise, with the exception of suicide assistance which we are opposed to. Based on our age disparity, actuarily speaking, we should die very close to one another. If one or both of us end up dancing with our walkers to "Staying Alive" in some assisted living common room, so be it. It goes without saying, I will certainly be the one closest resembling John Travolta in that situation. The issue is that we could be those type of people who are alive without anyone else knowing we are alive.

This has recently come up with our will. I think its a responsibility to have that straightened out. Swedish death cleaning type of thing. There is no way I'm giving any remaining assets to my side and we are moving away from her's as well. I'm actually looking at institutional options as opposed to people.

[halfmoon]

@halfmoon:

I want to apologize for possibly my most graceless post ever. My first marriage was like a bowl of plastic fruit. My second "marriage" was like a delicious bowl of fruit that turned toxic. My recent attempts to obtain grapes from one vendor, oranges from another, and bananas from a third has just made a bit of a mess. You are lucky to have a marriage that has not just been successful, but truly passionate and purposeful. Love isn't co-dependence.

Absolutely no apology necessary, and I didn't see it as graceless whatsoever. Your posts are always witty and insightful, and as usual this one made me think outside my box. I was sincere in saying that I wouldn't recommend our relationship to anyone else. DH and I are bizarrely romantic and single-minded. Everything that's embraced requires letting go of something else; in my view, very few people can or should go the all-or-nothing route.

[halfmoon]

Farm_or, I love your story, especially the line "The things you do when you have to." Just a few questions:

Ten-inch irrigation pipe?? Why so big?
Were you trying to bury the pipe below frost level? If so, why? Don't you drain irrigation pipe in the winter?
Where was your wife? Isn't she supposed to suffer alongside you?

For extra credit::

Do we really HAVE to do these things, or do we just derive some sort of twisted satisfaction from overcoming obstacles with nothing but the strength of our own will? (Hint: This is a trick question.)

[halfmoon]

Jason, I had to google Swedish death cleaning because keeping up with your stream of consciousness requires a more active intelligence than mine. We no longer live in geographic isolation but still prefer to lounge around in our own little bubble. I struggle to maintain a thread of connection with family and friends who should have abandoned us years ago and yet have somehow risen above my neglect (let's not even mention DH, who makes neither effort nor apology). Hanging on while DH flirted with death last year reminded me that I might need friends and family some day.

Our wills provide for both charity and DH's son, who is going to need the help. That's another subject entirely.

[halfmoon]

DH is increasingly taking back a share of the maintenance load.

That sounds like a good prognosis!

George, it is SUCH a good prognosis! The infection that was eating into DH's skull last year appears to have moved to greener pastures and stopped taking prisoners. DH is eating real food again, cooking** and baking, going for walks and experiencing no pain. Life is good for now.

**Thank goodness for that. As a cook, I'm a great accountant.

[McTrex]

That's good to hear, halfmoon!

[Farm_or]

The ten inch pipe was overkill because eight would have carried enough GPM. However, I was partnering three grants and one engineer liked to size big "just in case of future expansion". I am surrounded by neighbors who already have their own pressurized irrigation, so no future expansion is possible. I made a lot of concessions like that to keep the peace. Wasn't much extra cost.

My DW did help out for a couple of hours on weekends. She was school teaching the rest of the time. Bless her heart for what she did, and she wanted to do more, but I wouldn't let her. That is very demanding physical labor and if you are not in top shape and used to that toil, the likelihood of injury is very high. And the conditions were extreme, that's why my hired help quit. It was perfect weather for two weeks waiting for that pipe order! I am still mad about that.

At the time of suffering, I asked myself several times "do I really have to do this? And now?" But I could see no alternative if I wanted the pivot ready when the water was available in the spring. Turned out that year was the worst of the drought years ever. So in hindsight, it probably didn't matter that much, but you have to be full of optimism to give full effort at the time?

The depth is more for reason of max tilling farmers who will pull rippers three feet deep. I never will, but if I sell? I do drain every fall to prevent freeze damage.

[Jason]

This was my intro to SDC:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyl ... 3245267af7

I think I posted the link somewhere else here. The irony is that I am staring at the Japanese' lady's book right now, sitting on top of a huge pile of semi-read books. It even has a coffee stain. I feel like taking a pic and sending it to her just for the irony and her "Another untidy American asshole thinking I care enough to be fucked with" response. Due to not wanting to end up in "the cooler" I will refrain from going into the causal roots of my rebellion against domineering Asian women. I don't think it's too much of a stretch to figure it out but I will say that being tidy is a priority to them even in the most sordid of contexts. So SDC is more my jam as I'm a death fixated guy to begin with.

And glad to hear DH is on the mend.

[halfmoon]

I'm back...sort of. Lots of things going on here in the so-called real world. This is always my busiest time, with year-end accounting and preparation for my largest client's AGM/dog and pony show. More importantly, my stepson has been diagnosed with a very serious disease that's required a lot of attention and support (emotional and financial) from us. Anyone who has read about him in another thread can probably guess what it is. Let's leave it at that. When I'm feeling stressed, I tend to spend what little free time I have mindlessly surfing websites that require no mental stretch. This site doesn't qualify.

On the very bright side, DH continues to improve.

Re comments:

McTrex, thank you. Everyone here listened to me whine about DH's illness and was so supportive. I really appreciate it.

Farm_or, I was joking about your wife's duty to suffer alongside you. If she had a day job, I excuse her from hard labor. Your comment about needing to be full of optimism to give full effort is so true. It's very easy to talk yourself out of things, but I truly believe that extreme effort (in whatever you're doing) builds inner strength and confidence. And irrigation systems.

Jason, I followed your link re Swedish death cleaning. I get the point Jacob and others make about simplifying your life by not owning a lot of junk...get it, but don't comply. However, I disagree that one's personal choice (or mental illess) to be a packrat in life is unfair to friends or family. All you need to do is absolve them in advance of any guilt regarding your stuff. If there's something you want them to have (and they want it), give it to them while you're alive. When you're dead, they can have some stranger come in and shovel it all out. People will often do this for free in exchange for keeping anything they want. We've designated a supremely unsentimental friend to be our estate executor, and his instructions are to sell, keep or toss absolutely anything as he sees fit. There will be no going through boxes of old letters and DH's favorite magazines (ahem...I mean, if we had such things in boxes ). There will instead be a very large bonfire and perhaps some dancing around it.

ffj, I've taken a lot of 2-gallon (or less) baths -- sometimes with cold water only. You just stand in the shower, have your spouse pour a quart saucepan of water over your head, soap up, then rinse with another saucepan. DH thinks I'm crazy, but I hate starting the day without some sense of cleanliness. It helps that my hair is short and sparse. Thank you also for the kind words.

[jacob]

The death cleaning is not so much about torching stuff as it is to make the latter part of life more easily manageable. An older person might not have the energy to take care of dusting a 500+ figurine collection anymore. Plants might not get watered because the can is getting too heavy. They might get crushed under an avalanche of food processor accessories from the top shelf trying to recover a baking tin. The floors might not get vacuumed because there's too much/heavy furniture around. When they're moved into a retirement home, they might be sorry to see ALL their stuff getting burned because they never took the time to sort it out.

Swedish death cleaning is about scaling the manageable clutter to one's capabilities as one gets older.

Here's Japanese death cleaning for contrast:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wor ... fter-them/

[7Wannabe5]

Japanese loneliness syndrome is one of the reasons I decided it might be sensible to be polyamorous when aging. It's like a back-up system people don't quite realize they need until after their own parents die (because even a decrepit living parent maintains FOO sibling and further links), and then maybe it is too late. I think the article linked at the bottom of the one you posted which is about a 72 year old "youngster" working at a nursing home in Japan is also relevant to those of us in Gen-X in the U.S.

[halfmoon]

Jacob, that story you linked scared me straight. Just as an aside, I wonder why they removed the heat pump/AC blower unit. Those things aren't cheap, so maybe it was full of maggots? Ugh.

We know someone who does that sort of cleanup on the side after crime scenes, messy deaths or advanced hoarding. He makes great money, but it would be pretty low on my list of acceptable activities. He's a highly successful salesman in his day job.

All joking aside about our hoarding, we aren't quite that bad. The avalanche of food processor accessories (or tupperware) did strike a familiar note, and I do have periodic conversations with DH about how much harder it is to clean around so much stuff. Organized abundance makes him feel happy and secure, though. Now he's started collecting little agates and quartz crystals, and they're arranged in tiny mountains on our breakfast counter between the animal figures on the windowsill and his placemat. It reminds me of my stuffed animal collection that allowed me only a narrow sliver of my bed when I was small.

A question for any and all: how do you reconcile your sense of optimal conditions with allowing your loved ones the things that make them happy?

[Farm_or]

Compromises.

As a recovering neat freak, I've had to become more territorial. "The kitchen and the garage are mine. You can clutter up the rest of the house."

But I have been trained not to leave empty space anywhere, lest it will be filled with some piece of junk. Where do all of those things come from? A lot of the blame goes to crazy grandparents who joy in spoiling children that they don't have to live with.

[7Wannabe5]

I am a reformed messy, so my learned practice is that I simply box up other's belongings and return them to whatever space has been designated personal to them on a daily basis. Active projects that require use of shared space would be an exception to this rule. Time/effort analysis has revealed that this is more efficient than any attempt to train messy people. When I live with people who are naturally neater than me, I just sometimes amuse myself by exceeding their standards. For instance, the amazed/befuddled look on my BF's face was well worth the effort of pre-trimming a stack of coffee filters down to the exact size to fit his machine.

[DutchGirl]

Hi, Halfmoon, just checking in. I hope you're okay. Thinking about you from this other corner of our world.

[halfmoon]

DutchGirl, thank you for ringing my doorbell.

I think about this forum a lot, but I feel too guilty to lurk or post randomly before updating my own journal. Finally I've outlined another huge chapter in my story and will post a portion of it very soon. Then maybe I can go back to reading and commenting on other journals and posts.

[DutchGirl]

Hurray! I'm looking forward to it. And please don't feel guilty. Real life can intervene, and has priority over digital stuff...

[saving-10-years]

@halfmoon Well some of us (I am conscious of me doing this) lurk and spinkle messages around in other people's threads and never do an update on our own. But as the fanbase for halfmoon's journal is huge I am one of many who are happy you have yet more updates in the pipeline. Real life sounds like it is throwing you endless curveballs so thanks for taking the time.