Um. Other than the part about being a foreign worker from a second world country and single, you've pretty much described my current life - I'm 38 and planning 2-3 more years unless I get fired which is not an unlikely option. I'm away from home 10-11 hours a day as well, imposter syndrome is rampant, and I keep getting threats from my bosses because I'm constantly late to work - and also don't think I can work in another industry (or, honestly, any other job, because I'm specialized where I'm at). Also underpaid, also don't want to quit, also assume every other job would suck as bad as this one - because I really hate answering to anyone else. The job burnout is real, yo.
I have been where you are before, and gotten myself out of it. I am currently *back* in that "everything is shitty and I don't want to do anything mindset" and also needing to dig myself out of that hole, so this is also a good reminder to myself. Paying to outsource the shit parts of your life is definitely a good option sometimes, too, even if it screws up your savings rate, and there may be ways to offset costs.
I haven't figured as much on how to deal with the job sucking part. I have been working on the life sucking part, and these are some of the things I have done:
1. I don't immediately go to the couch/bed when I get home. Sometimes I don't even let myself go home. I do whatever I need to do - like dealing with the laundry on the couch first, or cooking dinner + leftovers for the next day, while I'm still upright, or driving directly to the gym or grocery store, or dinner with a friend. If I do make it to the couch/bed, I try and set a timer/time limit and sometimes and alarm to drag my ass back up to deal with whatever I don't actually want to do. I will also give myself a time limit of doing things I hate - if I need to clean up my room and I really don't want to, I tell myself I only need to do it for 5 or 15 minutes and then I can go back to bed. Usually if I'm up, I'll stay up, and sometimes I go back to my phone or a good book exactly 5 minutes later.
2. I have a housecleaner. Worth the money. She's been in my life longer than most of my friends and all of my romantic partners. I should probably pay her more.
3. Having a trainer with scheduled appointments was a *really* good idea for a while. I would be more annoyed at myself for missing the appointment and paying the money anyway than being at the gym, and no matter what kind of shit mood I was in or how late I was to the appt., the workout plus my trainer's sense of humor made me feel better after. ….I should probably schedule with him again, tbh, since I've been falling out of my gym habit again.
4. I know you didn't like therapy and don't want meds. There are more types of therapy than just talk therapy, though - art therapy, CBT, animal therapy, group therapy: something else might work better than traditional therapy. Making friends can also be a form of therapy, and means you have crash space if you decide to come back to visit the country you're currently in later on.
5. Rock climbing (pick a sport) rather than going to a traditional gym - it was more fun. Motivation was still a problem, but I'd put my stuff in the car and drive there directly after work and not let myself go home first. Same with the regular gym - also, I'd occasionally go at lunch if I could pull it off. If you can spend 7-10 minutes with one of the quick workout apps in the morning before you leave for work, that can also help - think stretches and yoga poses and planking.
6. Schedule doctor's or dentist's appointments and take some extra time before/after to decompress or get some errands done, then complain about how long the wait was at the doctor's office to coworkers. (May work better in the US.)
7. Walking at lunch/on break.
8. If it's not in the car, have a backpack by the front door so I can walk to the gym immediately upon getting home.
9. I do all or almost all of my bills and planning stuff at work on company time.
10. Music and noise cancelling headphones are the only way I actually get anything done at work and the only way I avoid screaming at my overly loud and overly talkative coworkers. You'd think engineers would be quieter...
11. Anything where you have to commit yourself to a time/date, like a scheduled class or a group activity. For me, this especially applies if I paid money for it, because I may not be motivated to go but I sure as fuck don't want to waste the money I spent on it.
12. If you don't want to eat/cook healthy when you get home, some options: 1. make someone else do it for you for a while - buy a salad or a cooked veggie bowl or whatever works for you, either on your way home or delivered, 2. move your eating so that you're eating more at breakfast/lunch so you're not trying to cook dinner at home when you're already tired, and either you won't be hungry when you get home or you can just have a snack instead of a full meal. 3. Have something prepped for dinner like you do for lunch, that can just be thrown on the stove or in the oven/microwave, or is cooking in a slow cooker or sous vide.
13. Cooking/meal prepping/grocery shopping at lunch can work if you have a grocery nearby. Can also be combined with a walk - walk to store, buy lunch/dinner ingredients, and then wash and chop things in the break room at work. Or like I did for lunch yesterday, I had all the stuff for a salad but hadn't had time to make a salad and didn't want to actually prep and eat a salad at work, so I just ate a thing of tomatoes and carrots and cheese and glared at the lettuce and threw it back in the fridge for … some other time.
14. Quit sugar. Maybe not 100% of the time for you, but don't make having a cake or soda or a pastry or whatever a daily thing. I make sure to have water by my side constantly (we have a drinking fountain with a water bottle filler), and I always keep some 95% and/or 100% chocolate at my desk for afternoon cravings so I don't chase down candy (which is ubiquitous in the office) if I'm hungry, or protein snack - cheese or salami or nuts or jerky or something, or a piece of fruit if I really want something sweet - which I usually do by like 2/3PM.
15. Books - the library is my friend, because I check out a book and have to return it by set time, which means I have a motivation to read it by then. I try and alternate a chapter with a phone game if I'm having a hard time focusing on reading, like I have been lately.
16. Life gamification apps can help motivate you to do things. Mine right now is Level Up Life, but there are bunch, and I like being able to check off boxes and level up, so I end up doing things like drinking more water or going for a walk when I might not otherwise because, hey, I get points for this. It can also be a way to pick up a new hobby - like taking a picture every day for a month, or drawing something every day for a week, or listening to a new band.
17. Someone else pointed out the "do one small thing on a project at work" - I do that and usually end up being able to finish the project once I can start. I no longer get email notifications during the day, which probably isn't great from a work perspective, but helps my focus a bunch - until someone IMs me or comes and taps on my shoulder to ask why I haven't responded to their email.
18. Don't try and change multiple things at once and expect them to stick when you're this burned out.
ertyu wrote: ↑
Sat Nov 30, 2019 6:51 am
I have a hard time with my job. Tough dragging myself out of bed, dread going every day, feel incompetent and disrespected, 11 hours later back home , crash on couch, repeat. I have no life outside of my job, and do not want a life outside of my job because of how tired I am all the time. I do not feel able to expend energy and effort on yet another thing.
I get by with the minimal self-care possible. Success looks like being vertical, not being late to work, lasting the day, and dragging myself back home.
At this point, most people who hear this go, "dude! just quit and find a new job!" Here is why to me this is not an option: I am fairly entrenched in my profession and have few other skills. Whatever other job in the same industry will suck the same (tried changing jobs a couple of times). I am not willing to change industries because I don't want to leave a job where I have reached my maximum earnings potential to just drop three-four rungs down the ladder and hate it anyway, this time with 15 rather than 3 years to DDay.
That said, I might get fired anyway: I find myself constantly paranoid.
Therapy and meds: unwilling to pursue. Talk therapy did not help the last 2 times I tried, and I refuse to take medication. The therapy/meds situation is not up for debate. I have felt crap enough for long enough to have researched and decided against. Please no, "dude! get over yourself and just do it! my grandmother swears by prozac!"
Things I know will help that I have been unable to make myself do: eat well and exercise. Brain perceives this as work and effort, and after Job, it refuses. Pretty strong cravings for crap food that are hard to resist after a hard day, and pretty strong aversion to exercise--it's the overcoming of that resistance that is a problem and feels like torture. Again: here people would go, "dude, just hit the gym!" What I can say is, you've either been there and you know what this is like, or you haven't. If I could make myself hit the gym, I'd have done it already. I bought a kettlebell and a mat and they just sit in the corner. Mat leaning judgmentally.
All I want is to stop working.
Hoping for any advice around how to make work feel less exhausting. It's hard to struggle with the intense feeling of avoidance every day and make myself go anyway. I mostly deal with the feeling of my life passing me by by numbing myself out. Being exhausted on the couch and staring in space has that covered. I am particularly looking for tiny incremental changes I can make to hopefully gradually lift off, and in what order to make them. There are probably tons of people here which felt the intense struggle against the resistance to the job, the desire to avoid it. How do you deal with this resistance. The job sucks and my life sucks, but at least I have a chance of getting out in another couple of years if I do not get fired over how the avoidance is impacting my performance. I have to grind it out anyway. Who has struggled with the same avoidance/resistance and what did you do to be able to just do your time until you can quit.