Llorona's Log, Take II

[llorona]

@McTrex: Not a cloud in sight!

[llorona]

FINANCES
The markets have been volatile. Haven't checked lately but at the end of last month my net worth was $1.65M.

HOUSE
NW is probably gonna go down in the next several months because of home repairs and renovations. Definitely need to replace the driveway and those old windows, plus address some dry rot.

Probably going to remodel the kitchen which was last updated in the 1940s. It's going to be hard to pry the money from my hands. I'm trying to view the kitchen as an investment - it really needs to be done and will hopefully add value to the house.

I've also been doing a bunch of DIY projects including patching exterior stucco and taking baby steps toward giving the vintage bathroom a facelift. YouTube is my friend.

BODY & HEALTH
After an extended bout of anxiety, I fell off the low-carb diet. Still feeling good, though. I've been mixing up yoga with riding my bike. It's getting easier to go up those hills! Would like to reactivate my $10/month gym membership but not feeling safe enough yet in light of Delta.

WORK
I raised my rates 20%. None of my clients blinked an eye.

BUCKET LIST
In a little over a year, I will reach the half century mark. In light of this, I'm starting to knock items off my bucket list. Even if it costs money. For instance, I fulfilled one of my dreams and attended a goat yoga class ($35). Being surrounded (and climbed on) by baby goats is one of my all-time favorite life experiences.

Would you believe this California girl has never been on a sled? I'm going to rectify it this winter by heading up to the mountains.

OREGON
DH and I made the first steps toward finding a new home by taking a road trip through Oregon. While Ashland is super cute and artsy, we came to the conclusion that it's too small, especially given our alternative lifestyle. Didn't seem like there was much for us in central Oregon. I was prepared to feel meh about Portland but to my surprise, I really loved its edginess and accessibility. We'll be making another trip up there in the next few months to see if the idea of relocating is truly tenable.

TRAUMA & EMDR
In August, I received a $5K COVID-19 small biz grant from the State of California. I qualified due to losing business income in 2020 and had all but forgotten that I'd applied. Anyhow, the grant's intended purpose was payroll (me, essentially) so I decided to use the funds to pay for EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy.

The truth is that I've been carrying trauma around for decades due to childhood neglect and abuse by adults in my life, and later by witnessing acts of violence including including a homicide. It's something of a miracle that I function as well as I do. Just the same, my mental health and probably my physical health have paid the toll.

In a handful of EMDR sessions, I've made more progress than months of traditional talk therapy. My self-worth and level of functioning have improved in small but noticeable ways. I used to feel negative emotions (e.g., pain, rejection) very deeply. Now I feel more regulated, like there's a stronger foundation under me. Looking forward to seeing where this road leads.

MEN & SEX
Welp, another relationship bit the dust. The ERE crowd would have liked my last boyfriend -- a Silicon Valley engineer with a penchant for self-sufficiency, frugality, gardening, and hunting. I have decided that I should probably not be in a relationship that requires emotional energy right now (other than my husband) so I'm on hiatus from dating. However, sex is important so I have reassembled my harem to include the engineer plus a handful of former casual lovers.

[llorona]

FINANCES
Net worth is somewhere around $1.7M.

HOUSE
I backed down from remodeling the kitchen this year. Contractors are busy, plus there are supply chain issues, and I lack bandwidth to take on a major project, even if I'm not doing the heavy lifting. The kitchen has been in its current state since the thirties or forties. It's not going anywhere.

Every Christmas, our joint gift is something nice for the house - something quality that makes our lives easier or more comfortable. Last year it was a knockoff Roomba. This year, we decided on a heated towel rack. Well, the installation went fine but in the process of removing the old towel rack, I dug at a bit of chipped paint...and sheets of paint started peeling off. Turns out, former owners used a most lovely (not) color of pink gloss paint on the walls. Those who came after did not properly prep the walls so now I'm spending my week off removing the hottest colors from decades gone by (tan, yellow, mint green...) and preparing to repaint the bathroom.

BODY & HEALTH
I really enjoy cycling. I try to get out there at least three times a week. I'm also consistently doing yin yoga which helps me stay supple and mobile. We're still in the midst of the omicron surge but later this month I'm hoping to resume weight training at the gym.

BUCKET LIST
In October, two people who were significant in my life passed within one week of each other. They were both old and had lived decent lives, but their passing reinforced my desire to live fully. In December, I went to Tahoe and snow tubed for the first time, thus fulfilling my bucket list item of sledding (or close enough). In fact, I liked it so much that went on another snow trip and tried snowboarding last month. That didn't go so well. After face planting multiple times and reinjuring my foot, I realize why the average snowboarder is 27. I'll probably never try again, mostly because my feet are so bad, but I'm proud of getting out there and having the experience.

This is probably controversial but there's a Michelin-star restaurant in SF that I've been wanting to eat at for years and years. DH's birthday is coming up in a month and we have a reservation. I figure that eating at a nice restaurant once ever 15 years isn't going to kill us financially.

I'm also taking an in-person art class that starts in six weeks. I've missed being around people.

TRAUMA & EMDR
Still doing EMDR combined with another type of therapy called Internal Family Systems with great results. I think more highly of myself and this is reflected in my decisions. My boundaries are stronger. My sense of self is more solid. I'm less afraid to take risks.

MEN & SEX
I got back together with the Silicon Valley engineer...then broke up with him last week. He was very enmeshed with his ex-wife and it carried over in ways that were detrimental to our relationship, at least from my perspective. I'm on hiatus from dating again, although I'm still seeing my playmates. I just wanna ride my bike, do art, watch Ozark, play computer games, and spend time with friends.

[chenda]

Sorry to hear about your friends llorona, but I'm glad the therapy is working well for you.

[7Wannabe5]

I’m on hiatus from dating too, but I’m still kind of in some kind of relationship with a few of my polyamours.

What fun going sledding! There’s a designated hill just down the street from me. Kite-boarding is on my bucket list, but seems like impossible dream at the moment.

[llorona]

Sorry to hear about your friends llorona, but I'm glad the therapy is working well for you.

Thank you, Chenda! I'm about to write a new journal entry that will include a therapy update.

[llorona]

I’m on hiatus from dating too, but I’m still kind of in some kind of relationship with a few of my polyamours.

What fun going sledding! There’s a designated hill just down the street from me. Kite-boarding is on my bucket list, but seems like impossible dream at the moment.

Hey, lady! I don't log on very often but I think about you. How are you doing/feeling these days??

[llorona]

FINANCES
Don't know. Scared to look. Probably better not to know.

HOUSE
I was dreading painting the bathroom, partly because because the job entails painting a skylight well and I'm not a fan of heights. I got a quote from a professional painter who said the job would take one day and would cost $1,800.

The bathroom is still unpainted.

New plan is for DH to paint it after he completes other mission-critical house exterior projects.

BODY & HEALTH
I started getting lazy and slacked off cycling and yoga but recently resumed. Body feels great!

I had a depressive episode last fall and the doctor put me on Cymbalta. At the time, I had no idea how challenging it is to go off this particular medication. I've tried titrating down two times following my doctor's instructions and both attempts rendered me completely unable to function work-wise due to brain fog and extreme fatigue.

The fact that my brain is dependent on this medication completely infuriates me and has strengthened my resolve to get off it. In the next month, I am planning on taking a week off work to reduce the dosage and "detox." I will have to repeat this several times before fully weaning off the drug.

THERAPY
My therapist became unreliable. Missing appointments can be a mindfuck for clients with abandonment issues. On his end, I think it was due to cognitive issues and forgetfulness, rather than flakiness as a character trait. Still, it wasn't working for me, so I exited the situation.

I'm sad about how things ended, but ultimately I got what I needed out of therapy.

MUSICAL CARS
I did something dumb that cost a lot of money. Long story short:

A. Old car had $120K miles, stuff was starting to go wrong, and got awful gas mileage. Sold it for $7.8K.
B. Bought used Toyota Prius C with low mileage, amidst current car market insanity ($19.5K + registration + 10% sales tax = $22K)
C. Poured $750 into Prius (mechanic check, two tires, installed a catalytic converter shield).
D. Prius absolutely sucked. Nothing was mechanically wrong with it, but it felt unsafe and borderline undriveable, especially on the freeway.
E. Sold car four months later at a loss for $17.5K.

Because we needed a car, we bought a used Hyundai Ioniq with low mileage ($24.5K + registration + 10% sale tax = $27.5K). It gets 55-60 MPG which is phenomenal now that gas is $7/gallon. We are very happy with the car and hope to drive it until the wheels fall off.

All ended well, but I could have done without steps B-E.

INTERESTS
Finished an eight-week ink drawing class and now in the midst of a pencil/charcoal drawing class. My favorite subject matter is penises. Fortunately, there is no shortage of models.

MEN
The dating and relationship hiatus didn't last long.

The Silicon Valley engineer and I got back together AGAIN, but not before having a long conversation about learning from past mistakes. What's different? He kicked his ex-wife out of his house and only communicates with her where the kids are concerned. We've been really happy together the past few months. I try to take things day by day but when I'm in a more pensive mood, I get sad because this (a mono-poly relationship) can't last forever.

One of my long-term lovers (who is married and poly like me) asked if we could transition into a relationship and I agreed. When we met three years ago, I instantly felt safe and secure with him. I'd always had this sense that if we were walking down a dark alley and someone tried to attack me, he would die trying to protect me. In the past, I'd thought about us becoming more, but one or both of us lacked bandwidth. This time, the stars aligned and we've been really warm, stable, and good together.

[7Wannabe5]

Happy to hear somebody is having fun with polyamory. One of my partners recently ghosted me and one of my first guesses at “Why?” was maybe Alzheimer’s. My next scheduled “date” with another partner is for being my driver to a medical procedure. And, I’m going to have to hunt down another partner because he still hasn’t filed papers with county on property I sold to him. ( sigh )

[chenda]

Was that the EMDR therapy Llorona? I've been considering it. I've also be using CBD oil (legally) which I think has had some benefit in moderately reducing anxiety. Penis drawing sounds fun anyway : )

[llorona]

@7Wannabe5: I haven't logged on in a while but you've crossed my mind several times. I tried looking at your posts to see if you've updated your journal but couldn't find it. How are you doing health-wise? I hope you're much improved.

@chenda: Sorry for the long delay in replying. You posted this several months ago -- did you make a decision about whether to pursue EMDR?

I did EMDR therapy for several months. The benefits were immense -- I made more progress in a handful of sessions than years of regular talk therapy.

Unfortunately, I've sustained more trauma than most people, starting from a young age. I'm not fully sorted out and likely never well be, but EMDR therapy coupled with studying Buddhism philosophy have helped tremendously. Most days I can function like a normal person. *wry smile*

[chenda]

@chenda: Sorry for the long delay in replying. You posted this several months ago -- did you make a decision about whether to pursue EMDR?

No problem I'm glad it's been helpful. I'm doing fitness boxing at the moment which is very good for my mind. But I might take a look at EMDR again as well.

[llorona]

This will be a long and meandering post.

As of late, I have not been coming to this site often. While my lifestyle wouldn't be considered extravagant compared to the typical American, my financial choices have strayed from Jacob's teaching to the extent that it would feel disingenuous to consider myself on an ERE track.

I imagine most people here have been keeping their eye on the economy. I have yet to take a full look at how my net worth has fallen, but I'm guessing that DH and I are down roughly $400K-$500K between investments and home equity. On one level it's fine because we weren't planning on spending that money anytime soon. But it's shaken my confidence to the point that I'm not longer considering retiring in the next four years. I'm thinking more along the lines of putting in another eight years at my business (until I'm 58), then incrementally reducing the number of days I work per week or maybe only taking on large projects a few times a year.

Here, in no particular order, is how life has played out over the past six or so months:

Name Change: Since my ex-father stopped talking to me five years ago, my surname increasingly felt like lugging around a necrotic appendage. Every time I saw my surname on a paper, a distasteful shiver would run through me. After mulling it over, I initiated the process of legally changing my name.

Between court fees, classified ads, and document fees, it was expensive. About a tenth of a Jacob. But earlier this month I received a court order with my new name. And I felt a sense of liberation and lightness that made all the hours running around and every dollar spent absolutely worth it.

Expenses and Extravagances: We paid $1,000 to have a professional paint our bathroom. It was not a standard job - it entailed removing layers of paint that accumulated over the past 100 years and repainting a very high skylight well. It took the painter four (partial) days to complete the job and it was worth every last cent not to break my head falling off a ladder.

The driveway, also a century old, was literally crumbling. After several false starts, we paid $4,000 to have it replaced.

My 50th birthday is coming up in a matter of days and I'm throwing a party at our house. As a matter of course, DH and I are introverts who don't host parties; however, not everyone is privileged to still be walking the earth at the half-century mark. Hence, the party. We will be making Asian finger food and picking up salad, fruit, and cake from Whole Foods catering.

Continuing the celebration, we're heading to Italy and Spain in late February. I bought us business class tickets using credit card airline miles and am very much looking to enjoying a cheese plate from 35,000 feet up.

Relocation Plans: This fall, DH and I visited Seattle, Astoria (Oregon), and Portland. We're definitely leaning toward relocating to Portland. In fall/winter 2023, we plan to rent an AirBnb for a month to see if we can handle the weather.

Business: I made a concerted effort to generate consulting income this year, bringing in $117K gross, representing roughly 780 billable hours or 15 hours per week on average. This was my first time bringing in six figures and it would probably have felt like more of an accomplishment had inflation not taken a bite out of it.

For the coming year, I've raised my rates while somehow managing to retain my clients. My goal is to earn $140K and to expand by teaming up with another consultant to offer new services and bringing on subcontractors to help with overflow.

Art: I've been consistently taking art classes since April or so and have settled on ink drawing with colored pencil as my favorite medium. I'm starting to think about switching it up by taking singing lessons.

Health: I rejoined the gym in August and have been lifting weights a couple times a week. This, plus cycling and yin yoga, keeps the aches and pains at bay.

My last period was four months ago. While I've somehow sailed through "the change," my insanely sex drive, which I'd always considered something of an affliction, simply shut off like a faucet. Well, maybe a leaky faucet.

This makes logical sense because if a female body can no longer reproduce due to lack of eggs, what use is libido? I'm still deciding whether this is a blessing or a curse. I have an appointment with my OBGYN to discuss hormone therapy and will consider it for reasons like bone density.

Matters of the Heart:
The Silicon Valley engineer kept making the most blunt, hurtful statements. Being sweet-natured, he clearly didn't mean these things maliciously. It was all very confusing until I asked him to complete autism assessments.

BINGO! He has high functioning autism which explains the disconnect and his emotional immaturity. While I have learned to see things through his lens, it's been very challenging. If the sex wasn't so damned good, I would broken up with him already. As it is, I've demoted him to a FWB and resumed dating with the intention of finding a more emotionally fulfilling and nurturing relationship.

On the bright side, things have been very good and stable with my poly married partner. At this point, we've known each other for four years and I consider him to be a pillar in my life. If we saw each other more frequently, I'd be happy with him as my only consensually extramarital partner. But as it is, I'm an attention whore so let's see what dating adventures behold a quinquagenarian married poly lady.

[llorona]

@chenda: Fitness boxing sounds badass!! So good to hear it's benefitting you mentally.

[llorona]

Random update.

Fiftieth Birthday, Estrangement & Chosen Family
This goes back a few months, but my half-century birthday party was a blast. My closest friends were there, including one of my partners who met my husband for the first time. It was surpringly un-weird.

On my actual birthday, my biological family got together and basically had a party without me. My mom made the dinner I'd always requested for my birthday as a kid, my brother went over to discuss estate planning with my dad, and they all sat around pretending like I don't exist.

I tried telling my mom how hurtful this was but she minimized, denied, and deflected. And that was the last straw. I hit my limit for toxic behavior and being cast as the black sheep. I went full no contact.

I wasn't fully prepared for how much it would hurt. Initially, I grieved hard. But then, the heaviness slowly lifted and a certain peace came over me. For the first time in my life, I feel free and light. I can actually breathe.

Relocation Planning
My husband and I are preparing to sell the house and move. There's a long runway. At least a year. Maybe more if the housing market crashes or the economy tanks.

We're in the process of deciding whether to leave California for another state or another country. Right after returning from our trip abroad, I learned that several countries in Europe offer digital nomad visas. As a freelancer, I meet the criteria so we'd be eligible to stay for a year, with the possibility of renewing for up to five years. Apart from worrying about how to travel with our cats, I'm basically all in. However, my husband has some very understandable concerns around language or not being able to work. We're talking it through.

Business Growth & Income
My expansion plans have gone quite well. I'm bringing in $12K-$14K per month (gross) working part-time, and I've got a small team of subcontractors working on my clients' projects. Vetting and managing subs has been a huge learning experience.

I've thought about hiring actual employees but the ebb and flow nature of my work might not make this the best financial decision.

To keep up with inflation and rising business costs, I'm raising my rates again. The change will go into effect between July and December of this year as existing clients renew their contracts and new clients sign on.

Savings and Expenses
Now that I'm generating more income, I'm able to save about 50% of my take-home pay each month. I'm super proud of this achievement. It's not an easy feat doing this on a single part-time income in the Bay Area.

Unfortunately, we incurred a major unexpected home expense. Despite being house hypochondriacs and paying for annual roof inspections, our roof started leaking during the storms that battered California this past winter. Several contractors came out and the consensus was that the roof needed to be replaced. The total came out to $17K for roofers, plus an additional $1K for our handyman to repair wood trim and repaint. Ouch.

It's about to get worse. Our realtor came to look at our house and advise us on what to do before putting it on the market. Depending on the cost, we might need to remodel the kitchen. The kitchen was last updated about a hundred years ago, so at this point I'd agree that it's more of a need than a want, at least relative to the local real estate market. Still, it's going to cost a sickening amount of money to prep the house for sale, including refinishing the floors, painting the house inside and out, and staging it. It makes me want to hurl. But I'm trying to view this as an investment, because we do have equity in the house and should be receiving a decent payout when it sells.

Health: I feel fat. The scale confirms this. I have gained ten pounds since the pandemic started three years ago. The logical part of me is on a mission to drop this weight, but the emotional/mental side of me is more inclined to sit around eating macarons than hit the gym. An arm injury has impeded my ability to lift weights, but this is no excuse for not cycling or walking more. I hope that writing this in a public forum will hold me accountable.

Love Life: All is stable and well with my long-term married poly partner. The Silicon Valley engineeer and I have also hit a nice stride; we meet up for weekly dates where he cooks me dinner, then we get high and have mindblowing sex. It seems that as long as I keep my expectations in check without expecting much by way of emotional intelligence or sensitivity, we're able to maintain balance. I also see an emergency room nurse once in a blue moon; we've been kink/sex buddies going on four years. And I have no time or spoons for anything more.

[ertyu]

I hit my limit for toxic behavior and being cast as the black sheep. I went full no contact.

I am also nc. I'm aware many don't see my parents as "that bad" and that many maintain a relationship with worse. The way I put it is, "I haven't found a way to be in contact with them and be whole." God knows I've tried, even if it wasn't always skillful. Strength

[Ego]

It's about to get worse. Our realtor came to look at our house and advise us on what to do before putting it on the market. \

There have been a few studies (here is one) that the ROI on home remodeling prior to sale is negative. Realtors always encourage remodeling because it bumps up the home price and in turn bumps their commission. Good luck.

[Sclass]

Sounds like your family gave you a wonderful birthday gift. It’s on you now to move forward and improve your life. Just a guess but I bet they’re not taking your NC lightly if they are toxic. Black sheep see themselves as black sheep. Toxic families only see a white lamb who needs control.

Whatever you were looking for by sitting down with them at dinner likely isn’t valuable. Even your dad’s estate. Run. It’s just bait. Why else would they do this in your face? When I want to screw somebody out of money I don’t do it in front of them.

50 isn’t too late to start living on your terms. The present is better than never.

I’ve gone NC for a few years. It has been hard because I was looking for something from them and I had to give up on it.

[llorona]

The way I put it is, "I haven't found a way to be in contact with them and be whole." God knows I've tried, even if it wasn't always skillful.

@ertyu: Thank you so much for this. It perfectly ecapsulates the way I feel. I'd been in therapy on and off for 25 years, trying to fix things.

It's a hard path but good for you for making the choice to prioritize your own wellbeing and live authentically.

[llorona]

Sounds like your family gave you a wonderful birthday gift. It’s on you now to move forward and improve your life. Just a guess but I bet they’re not taking your NC lightly if they are toxic. Black sheep see themselves as black sheep. Toxic families only see a white lamb who needs control.

Whatever you were looking for by sitting down with them at dinner likely isn’t valuable. Even your dad’s estate. Run. It’s just bait. Why else would they do this in your face? When I want to screw somebody out of money I don’t do it in front of them.

50 isn’t too late to start living on your terms. The present is better than never.

I’ve gone NC for a few years. It has been hard because I was looking for something from them and I had to give up on it.

@Sclass: Both you and ertyu were so kind to respond and share your wisdom. I've been feeling really bad about myself for going NC. I don't personally know anyone who doesn't communicate with their family, which makes me wonder if I'm defective in some way. So thank you for helping to normalize the situation.

You called it about the ex-family not respecting NC. My mother sent an email on Mother's Day, asking if we could sweep everything under the rug. It temporarily threw me into a tailspin and dysregulated me to the point where I was snippy to my husband, who I love more than anyone. It shattered my peace.

I responded, telling my mother that I'd only speak to her if she went to therapy and reiterating my need for silence.

You're absolutely right. No amount of money is worth giving up this newfound liberation.

From my heart: I'm sorry that your family wasn't able to give you what need.