Gravy Train's Journal

Where are you and where are you going?
7Wannabe5
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Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Fri Sep 06, 2019 6:01 am

This board is really a salon for the Tribe of Cuckoo-Bananas IQ Over 130* thinly disguised as frugality forum**. My DD28, who is very much like you and EdithKeeler personality-wise, also has an anxiety disorder. So, your post just made me want to say something like "Oh, Sweetie, it's okay. Just go to work, and I'll hang out in the sandbox with the babies, read Trollope, and make some banana pudding." One of my more tightly wound sisters once accused me of having an anti-anxiety disorder, which was funny, because kind of true. Takes all of us high-functioning yet malfunctioning types to make the world whirl round, so take good care of valuable you.



*In my experience, the Venn diagrams of these two groups overlap completely if you include those still in denial and/or too frugal to attempt therapy.

**I know, because this is not my first such group. This forum is a little bit light on artsy types, but otherwise functions quite similarly to other such groups which were theoretically engaged in discussion of completely different topics and/or purposes.

Gravy Train
Posts: 67
Joined: Mon Dec 01, 2014 10:59 am
Location: Texas

Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by Gravy Train » Fri Sep 06, 2019 3:24 pm

Thanks so much y'all. I was not expecting such a warm response to just word vomiting my crazy up here.
EdithKeeler wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 6:41 pm
I’m selfishly really glad you posted this, because it’s a reminder to me that I need to be sure to manage the problem.
Yes, we have to stay on top of it. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy seemed to help me more than the pills; or at least, it's what I still lean on to get through, um, "hiccups" I guess you could call them.
P_K wrote:
Thu Sep 05, 2019 8:37 pm
I hope sharing it (even to random assholes on the internet ;)) helps.
Assholes that I genuinely respect. :) You're really kind, P_K, thank you for the encouragement.
7Wannabe5 wrote:
Fri Sep 06, 2019 6:01 am
Just go to work, and I'll hang out in the sandbox with the babies, read Trollope, and make some banana pudding.
Yes, please.

@Suo Aw, I like you, too. I feel something in you, if that's possible through some fiber optics. And I think the quote you pulled is what's bothering me the most right now, and what prompted my post. "There is no one I can be 100% truthful with in my real life" includes myself. I've been living my life timidly and that is not who I really am. (As I think you said at some point, first world problems, am I right?).

Even though I labeled the remainder of my life as an "experiment," I've wrapped myself in incongruent trappings. In my mind, I've re-defined suicide as burning my life to the ground and permanently relocating to China and I have that urge all the time because I've built a life of everything I don't want to be. I could give two shits about being in a monogamous marriage, and yet here I am. I never wanted to own a car or a house, and yet I have both. My nature is spontaneous and a little wild and yet for 40 hours a week I sit at a government desk, sip my Keurig coffee, and pound out boring-ass legalese and then thank the feds for my paycheck and benefits while they have me bent over the proverbial barrel.

Really, I just want to drive dirt bikes a little too fast and chat with Chinese cab drivers and drink a little too much and let my hair go wild. But instead, tonight I'll go home, make dinner for everyone, nurse the baby to sleep, give DD her bath, read her books and give her cookies and milk, and sing her Lady Madonna until she's asleep. And then I'll do the dishes, the laundry, and clean the house while my husband tinkers away at his hobbies, oblivious to his hollow marriage and unsatisfied wife.

And, somehow, that's the life that I chose for myself. The same bullshit meek, subservient, child-rearing, altruistic, and unfulfilling life as almost every other woman before me.

________

Avg. SR while on unpaid maternity leave: -33%
Fuck me.

mooretrees
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Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by mooretrees » Fri Sep 06, 2019 6:51 pm

I feel sorta weird for saying I enjoy your journal, especially now that that means enjoying your tough spots. I hope you know what I mean, I like your writing and I hope you keep posting about this journey of yours. I am happy to read about another mother raising little ones here, it's a sorta small section of posters that have young ones and are moms.

Good luck and just know another person here is rooting for you.

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Alice_AU
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Location: Sydney Australia

Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by Alice_AU » Fri Sep 06, 2019 7:46 pm

@mooretrees, same here.
@Gravy Train - what an interesting journal, and a fascinating life path!
I find many similarities with myself, as I'm also a wife and a mother and know too well what it's like to put kids to bed and only then having time to r̶u̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶b̶a̶t̶h̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶n̶a̶i̶l̶s clean the house and catch up on the household paperwork.

suomalainen
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Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by suomalainen » Sat Sep 07, 2019 9:47 pm

If I might offer a few thoughts for your consideration:

1) Boy howdy do I relate. And I do not envy you the next several years. I doubt that's really of much help, but I hope it provides the context of where I'm coming from for the following.

2) Re: being truthful with others and/or yourself...first, I suspect you mean "open" w/r/t other people rather than "truthful". I doubt you're, like, compulsively lying, but rather you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself - whether because you feel like they are embarrassing or shameful or "socially unacceptable" or it makes you feel too vulnerable (fear of being judged or fear of not being accepted or maybe even fear of having this most intimate part of you not be tenderly received) or for some other reason. W/r/t yourself, self-deception can be a useful coping mechanism...until it isn't. In my case, I basically just snapped when I couldn't carry the burden of the mask any more. In a sense, it was very freeing to "just not give a shit" and just "let it all hang out there" and damn the consequences. Allowing myself to be truthful to myself (no more self-deception) also freed me to be open with others because the fear/cost of being open was no longer bigger than the fear/cost of the mask. On the other hand...it was a bit devastating to my life. It wasn't quite the "suicide" that you speak of where you burn all bridges and move to china, but it was enough of a seismic shift that it took my wife and I maybe 5 years to adjust and re-learn how to relate and communicate and consider life goals and all the rest. But, you know, like I said, it got to the point where continuing to wear the mask was literally the worst possible thing that could happen in my life, so dropping the mask became the only option. What's my point? I dunno. Maybe it's for you to consider ways to allow yourself to need what you need and to tell others what you need from them. Maybe you hold back because you think they won't give you what you need. But guess what? They're not giving it to you now! Best case is you get what you need; middle case is you don't get what you need, but at least now you have actionable intelligence that they won't/can't give you what you need (even if it feels devastating to have those fears confirmed); worst case is fucking yourself because you're too afraid of getting fucked by someone else. At least when you ask, there's hope that things can change. If you don't say anything, change is impossible. No one else can read your mind.

3) Careful with this idea that you've been living a life that isn't "who you are".

3A) First of all, as my therapist observed of me "you speak of your life like you're a victim of it rather than the designer of it." You made the choices you made at the time you made them for a reason. Maybe "you're not that person any more" and that's fine, but just because things change doesn't mean you have to shit on what came before. You CAN make new choices now, to address the you that exists now, but those choices have to be made with the circumstances the now-you finds herself in.

3B) If the now-you has strong feelings about Thing X that is missing in your current life, rather than looking backward and blowing up everything you have in order to re-center your life around Thing X, figure out how to get a small bit of Thing X into your life now. Maybe a small bit of Thing X is really all you need. Remember, scarcity (at least of good (above survival-level) things) is a feature, not a bug, in human psychology.

3C) Remember T.S. Eliot's line from Little Gidding:
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Point being, if you blow up your current life and run off to China, you will satisfy some part of you, certainly. But you will also eventually realize that there were some parts of your current life that you would have wanted to keep intact. Consider the journals here where people are desperate to quit their jobs and they do. Then they go on their slow-travel world tour. And they get back home. And they go back to work - this time, not because they need to, but because they want to. The risk in that approach is that you don't find as good a job as you had before you left. In your case, the risk is multiplied if you're talking about blowing up more than just a job.

***
I feel for you, I really do. None of the above is really meant as advice or direction. It's just a few things I learned along my path, some of which was made much more difficult (by me) than it needed to be. And I share it with you because so much of what you wrote resonates with me, that if perhaps some of my experiences can smooth your path, well that would be (wait for it) just Gravy.

Gravy Train
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Location: Texas

Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by Gravy Train » Mon Sep 09, 2019 2:32 pm

@mooretrees and Alice_AU - thanks for the encouragement! I don't really feel like it's a "fascinating life path" - - feels a lot like the road well traveled, heh. Although I certainly have more respect for everyone that's come down this path before. They all made it look so smooth, but I guess they were wearing hover boots.
__

The fact that I colored my husband as "oblivious" in my last post hasn't sat well with me. That was an unfair characterization. He knows how exhausted I am (really, anyone that so much as spies me over their coffee cup from three blocks away could deduce that much) and at the end of the day he's the only one that really knows what I'm going through. However, he can't read my mind. /run-of-the-mill marital problem

So we talked a little. Agreed he would try to take some of the night feedings and do more chores. He tried the night feedings, but apparently my little milk vampire only wants mommy at 11 p.m., 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m. DH did do most of the chores yesterday. I began to praise him effusively, realized what a double standard that was, and then promptly shut my mouth.

We went to a baby shower on Saturday (where I wanted to sign the card with "Good God do you know what you've DONE?!" but he wouldn't let me) and on the ridiculously long drive back (because Houston) I talked to him about how I feel like no one likes or gets me (him included) when I'm my actual snarky and irreverent self. He agreed. He said no one likes negative people. So that conversation didn't go great. While I see myself as comically negative, apparently he just sees me as bad negative. I'm not really sure how to solve this problem. If I'm me, he's unhappy in our marriage. If I'm not me, then I'm unhappy in our marriage. I've always chosen the latter because I'm a selfless saint (clearly), but I mean, dang, come on, I'm already 31 years old. I'm pretty much on death's doorstep. If I can't make jokes about how much I hate being a mom/poop-cleaning-machine without him taking it seriously then, really, what am I even doing here.

Clearly, though, this is just one facet of a much larger shit diamond. (RIP Mr. Lahey.)

@ Suo. I really appreciate your input. Everything you said and have said in my journal has been insightful and helpful. Really, thanks for taking the time. I knew these years would be difficult, but man. Just man. The sleep deprivation is really getting to me.

About dropping the mask. I like to be liked, and I shouldn't complain about wearing a mask for all the outside places (work, in-laws), but I have a lot of friction within because I can't drop the mask at home. See above, husband would apparently not like me. The ideal situation would be a marriage where we can both happily be ourselves. And I realize how incredibly spoiled I am because for most of our history marriage has been far, far away from that ideal, and here I am complaining.
Maybe you hold back because you think they won't give you what you need.
I hold back because I think I don't deserve to get what I need and that the needs of others outweigh my own. To "tell others what I need from them" is incredibly forward.

I would like to work some of Thing X into my life, sure. Recently I've been drawing comics again, which has added a few points of happy to my life. And DD likes to draw, too, which is bonus fun. She lies on the floor next to me, scribbling shaky lines and circles and saying "daddy, mommy, grandma..." like she's drawing all of us. It's adorable.

Maybe I sound like a monster here, saying I'm going to burn everything to the ground and run away, right after posting a picture of my towheaded little [strike]monsters[/strike]angels. But I bet everyone else who has been in my position has felt the exact same way. Trapped and overwhelmed and, sure, a little remorseful. We can still remember pre-baby life. I am lucky I had a pre-baby life to remember. I had a lot of fun in my 20s, and I'm determined to have fun in my 30s, with two little stowaways clambering after me.
well that would be (wait for it) just Gravy
I lol'd.

suomalainen
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Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by suomalainen » Mon Sep 09, 2019 5:16 pm

Don't lose heart. That all sounds fairly normal, in my experience. A couple of specific reactions:
Gravy Train wrote:
Mon Sep 09, 2019 2:32 pm
Agreed he would try to take some of the night feedings and do more chores. He tried the night feedings, but apparently my little milk vampire only wants mommy at 11 p.m., 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m. DH did do most of the chores yesterday. I began to praise him effusively, realized what a double standard that was, and then promptly shut my mouth.
Progress! And, speaking for males, effusive praise isn't necessarily needed, but a simple "thank you for all you do" will go a long way. And he should say the same to you.
We went to a baby shower on Saturday (where I wanted to sign the card with "Good God do you know what you've DONE?!" but he wouldn't let me)
Ha ha ha, exactly! But at least someone is sensible. As someone who has said such things (and worse) before a responsible adult could stop me, I have found that such sentiments are generally not well received. Discretion, it seems, is the better part of valor...
and on the ridiculously long drive back (because Houston)
Ha. I grew up in Houston. "We've been driving for two hours and we're STILL in this fucking city!?"
I talked to him about how I feel like no one likes or gets me (him included) when I'm my actual snarky and irreverent self. He agreed. He said no one likes negative people...but I have a lot of friction within because I can't drop the mask at home.
This, I fear, will be your burden, as it is mine. And @jace's. But, I think it's a burden in two ways: #1 - yes, no one will get you 100% of the time and many will tire of you, able to take you in only small doses. As you know and wrote, about this you can do 1 of 2 things - alienate people by "being you" all the time or try to temper the snark with those who can't stand it for too long (a form of which you're currently doing). But #2, don't put too much emphasis on the "but that's who I am" angle. It may be that your snarkiness gets tiresome to you as well.

You can find an outlet for that snark, and it doesn't have to always be in your marriage. Personally, I think people expect WAY too much from their significant other. Your SO can't save you, can't make you whole, can't make you feel loved, can't provide you self-esteem, can't make you happy; all of that shit can only come from you. I'm sorry to tell you this - but eventually, you're going to have to grow a pair* and believe that you "deserve" what you need. You're just going to have to put on your big-girl pants** and be "incredibly forward". Hint: you're not being a bitch, you're just amiably explaining to a person that loves you that you NEED this thing that only he can give (see, e.g., the conversation about doing more chores). Just don't ask for something he can't give you. If it's possible for another human to give it to you (i.e., not something that can only come from within), then find a friend. Another hint: it sounds like he can't give you a place for your snarkiness, at least not to the level you'd like, which may be disappointing (even brutally so from time to time), but is that the end of the world? Can you expect to find 100% alignment on intimacy with a single other human? This is another thing I think people generally wrongly assume/expect from their SO. There must be a plethora of good things you share with hubby; don't let the missing 10% ruin the 90. Like, I said, find another outlet, like a friend. Last resort is snarking with me and @jace. And in Houston there must be Chinese people with whom you can speak Chinese; there must be a club or something with which you could ride dirt bikes a little too fast; there must be friends/coworkers who need to blow off a little steam and want to get drunk.

* Since you brought up sexism / the double standard, I will just admit here that I have no idea what the female equivalent of "growing a pair" is.
** Maybe that's close enough.
Maybe I sound like a monster here, saying I'm going to burn everything to the ground and run away
Not remotely.
But I bet everyone else who has been in my position has felt the exact same way. Trapped and overwhelmed and, sure, a little remorseful.
Yes.
Last edited by suomalainen on Mon Sep 09, 2019 8:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

cimorene12
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Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by cimorene12 » Mon Sep 09, 2019 6:45 pm

I really appreciate your journal. You talked about other people being future versions of you, and I feel like I could see myself startled to be married with two kids and running a household.

The snark thing startled me a bit. I think that you're framing it correctly and your husband isn't. One of my closest friends is a snark machine but she just comments and keeps moving. She actually has a very positive mindset even if she is snarky about some things. I feel like there's a disconnect there. I'd like for you to be comfortable being yourself within your marriage. Maybe even if you aren't saying those things to your husband, you can find local mom friends who get what it's like to clean up after the kids are asleep even though you're already tired. If your husband isn't meeting your emotional needs, a friend could.

Gravy Train
Posts: 67
Joined: Mon Dec 01, 2014 10:59 am
Location: Texas

Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by Gravy Train » Tue Sep 10, 2019 9:37 am

I think people expect WAY too much from their significant other.
That's very true. Could be I'm just redirecting blame when it should be falling on myself. Why do you have to be so reasonable?
I grew up in Houston.
You poor bastard.
sexism
Oh man, please don't say that word. I've been carefully trying to avoid that word. I don't want my journal to get air raided.

@cimorene12 - Thanks for saying you appreciate my journal. The snark thing... I mean, really, like I said above, that's just one facet of the current problem. I'm sure if I was snarky in a vacuum my husband would think that I'm hilarious. But when I'm snarky and he's covered in baby spit up, after a hard day's work, chasing a two year old around, and stepping on legos it kind of makes sense why he doesn't stop everything he's doing and bust a gut.
you can find local mom friends
Actually, I do have a great group of women that I commiserate with while I'm at work. For the first time in my life, as it were, I have a group of female friends. They're all older than me, more jaded, and I get along way better with them than most women my own age, who are still... optimistic. UGH.

In other news, I got four solid hours of sleep last night. I feel like a new woman. Well, alright, maybe still slightly stepped on. What I'm saying is, enjoy your sleep, my single, childless, frugal friends. You've made wise choices.

cimorene12
Posts: 608
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Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by cimorene12 » Tue Sep 10, 2019 9:49 pm

Gravy Train wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 9:37 am
In other news, I got four solid hours of sleep last night. I feel like a new woman. Well, alright, maybe still slightly stepped on. What I'm saying is, enjoy your sleep, my single, childless, frugal friends. You've made wise choices.
Do you nap? If your husband has agreed to do more of the nightly chores and you have to feed the baby every two hours at night, maybe sneaking off after dinner and getting in a light nap would help? Can he do the bedtime routine at least with your daughter?

Augustus
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Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by Augustus » Tue Sep 10, 2019 11:02 pm

The first two years are brutal, the fights and general unhappiness are mostly the situation, not you and your husband. I've always felt that either a lot of my friends are total liars, or that they do much better than I do without sleep. I suspect it's a bit of both.

Cut each other slack until both kids are 2+. Having one four year old has actually been so nice we've thought about having another. But those first 2 years... divorce was a constant thought, and so was running away and being a perpetual travel bum.

You might consider hiring some help, we hired a night nanny for a while, the sleep was better than sex :lol:

Gravy Train
Posts: 67
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Location: Texas

Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by Gravy Train » Thu Sep 12, 2019 3:38 pm

@cimorene12 That's a good idea, but it just doesn't work. Right now we're lucky because the baby naps from about 6:30 - 7:30, so we're able to split DD's routine and some chores. Plus, if I napped after DD's dinner (us adults don't have the luxury anymore--we just snarf down whatever is convenient), then I wouldn't really get to spend any time with her during the week. I see her for 30 min. in the morning, and about 3 hours at night. I like hanging out with her, she's real fun.
Augustus wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 11:02 pm
my friends are total liars
THIS. Agreed. Also agree that sleep > sex at this point. Postpartum sex is all sorts of weird, and not in any of the good ways. Sigh. I don't know about the night nanny. The baby really just wakes up because he wants some boob and then goes back down after said boob. Are there even wet nurses anymore? Weird thought. Anyway, the baby is almost four months so I'll start sleep training him soon, so maybe it's a moot point now. Hopefully he will at least sleep five solid hours soon.
________

The Question of Housing
I don't have a solution for "hacking" our housing cost. The mortage is $1508/month now (interest+taxes+insurance included) and we live in an 80 year old 2/1 bungalow. I have no extra room to rent out. I do have room to build a garage apartment to potentially rent, but the upfront cost would be, what, $150k? Comparable homes in our neighorhood rent for $1700 - $2000, and garage apartments rent ~$900 - $1100.

We live "inside the loop" as Houstonians say, which means my job downtown is 10 min. away by car (30 min. by public transport) and DH's job is 10 min. away by car as well. There are no cheaper homes in our neighborhood. Ours was the cheapest. Heh. We could find a cheaper home "outside of the loop" but this would astronimically increase our transportation costs ($ and time). Like, two hours commute to and from work, which most of my insane coworkers do. I've looked, and while there are cheaper homes inside the loop we could buy, they are not in safe neighborhoods. They are in decidedly dangerous neighborhoods, and, you know, kids.

I mentioned to DH that we could maybe live with his mom (in an updated 3/2 ranch) for a few years, but that was shot down. Which, yeah, she cray cray, so probably not a great idea. My mom lives in town, too, but she despises my husband, so that's a no-go.

So, we can't rent, we can't move further away, and we can't move in with family. At this point I'm wondering if I should sell the house, rent in our neighborhood, and wait for the housing market to crash so we can get something cheaper/bigger in the loop. There's a neighborhood nearby that has good public schools (unlike the rest of Houston), but a 2/1 bungalow starts at, I'm not joking, half a million. Like, I don't know how people live there. And I was at a park in that area the other day, and there were some stay at home moms playing with their kids. How? How much freaking money does your spouse make? Driving around in your brand new Highlander, your 2 yo wearing $60 shoes, and your nails freshly did. How?! The math makes no sense, unless everyone living in that area is propped up by their parents. Whatevs. I'm not jelly.

The other option would be to leave Houston. However, I enjoy my job, and this is the only place my job exists. And there would be no way to work remotely.

Any advice?

2Birds1Stone
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Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by 2Birds1Stone » Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:55 pm

Stay put. The housing is not such a high cost that it's worth the trouble or hassle for very little potential return. The apartment renting for that much is poor ROI for that kind of up front cost, the commute is certainly not worth it, and a dangerous neighborhood is no bueno.

I would be wary of selling and renting because if housing moves the other way, you can price yourself out of your own neighborhood, and prices might never be this low again. With you income likely at least keeping up with inflation, and the mortgage interest rate steady, it will get relatively cheaper until the choice is clearer.

mooretrees
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Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by mooretrees » Thu Sep 12, 2019 9:30 pm

I get it about wanting to make big changes and expensive housing is absolutely the biggest obstacle to ERE. But the reality is that it is hard turning the family ship in midstream. I recently went a little cray-cray over our house but it really doesn't work out with the maths. Plus, as others wrote, it is sometimes hard to move with little ones.

I firmly believe that solutions will come to you if you bang your head on them for a period of time. Sometimes you need to stew over something for awhile before the perfect solution comes to you. Or switch gears and focus on something else that is more easily controlled. I also think you have a lot on your plate (tired + hormones + never ending breastfeeding + tired again) and your brain is not working at full capacity. Not a slam at you at all, but you are still nursing at night and NOT getting 8 SOLID FREAKING HOURS of sleep. Let's talk about big changes when baby is sleeping though the night, okay? I had a glass of wine so excuse me if I'm getting too familiar, I almost called you dear. Good luck lady!

7Wannabe5
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Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Fri Sep 13, 2019 5:22 am

I always let my babies sleep on top of me for the rest of the night after first nursing, because I am like hypoglycemic when it comes to lack of sleep. I didn't work, but my ex did, so I would often end up spending the second half of the night on this hard narrow sofa we had at the time with chub-ball balanced on top. That was 30 years ago, but I can still remember the feeling of being so exhausted I was literally seeing spots dancing in front of my eyes. Hang in there!

Gravy Train
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Location: Texas

Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by Gravy Train » Fri Sep 13, 2019 10:30 am

2Birds1Stone wrote:
Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:55 pm
...and prices might never be this low again.
What a scary thought; here I am thinking they could never be higher. Our own house's sale-price has increased 27% in just three years. Thank you for your advice.

@mooretrees Getting too familiar! Girl, please, y'all basically know everything about me at this point, excluding my face (absolutely, pedestrian-stopping hideous, I assure you). I'm not going to lie, ever since I read your journal I've tried to imagine living in a bus with my two year-old and in every scenario I end up driving that bus off a cliff, haha. Your bravery is, however, encouraging me to look beyond traditional solutions to the housing problem. But you and 2B1S are probably right, I am not currently equipped to tackle this problem. I should really just stay put and hope a hurricane doesn't wash my house (and my lovely equity) away.

@7w5 99% of the time the baby sleeps right next to me in bed, pediatrician recommendations be damned. I love hearing him breathe and seeing his tiny profile every time I open my eyes. And if he starts to fuss I just put a hand on his chest and he settles right down. I really cherish those quiet moments. And I love how babies fall asleep nursing. I sometimes imagine what it would be like if I fell asleep eating a plate of spaghetti and instead of people freaking out they just patted my head and said "awwww."

horsewoman
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Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by horsewoman » Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:21 pm

Hi Gravy Train, yours is a very interesting journal! Here is another mom, and like the other parents already told you, hang in there - this too shall pass!

I totally feel for you. I've had a nightmarish c-section, and delivered an unbelievably fussy baby that cried for hours on end. (she turned out to be autistic, but of course we did not know that at the time).
It was so terrible that another child was out of the question. She is 11 now and while I still remember how awful the fist year was I'm amazed how fast the time passed in hindsight.

We've had a "family bed", a string of mattresses on the floor where all three of us slept. Very good for nursing in the night. DH nursed every 2 hours for months, so I simply pulled away the shirt and let her get down to business, I guess neither she nor I was really awake. No need to get up in the night.

Babies are really the worst thing you can do to a relationship (it boggles my mind that some people try to "repair" a relationship with a child! Crazy!). Luckily they do grow up fast, even though it does not feel like it in the first few years.

Augustus
Posts: 887
Joined: Sat Apr 02, 2016 10:15 am

Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by Augustus » Fri Sep 13, 2019 5:19 pm

I wasn't going to throw down the gauntlet on lying friends, but honestly... I think they are. The ones who are truthful have such a different story to tell versus the ones who say everything is fine and look at me like I'm ridiculous. It just doesn't add up. Either lack of sleep has no effect on them whatsoever, or they paper over the problem and try to look like everything is fine.

I feel your pain on housing. In my area, we're about 90% going to be buying for ~670-710k, unless there's a crash. WTF. Same deal here, lots of fancy cars, ridiculous spending. You can get a place in a more dangerous neighborhood or an hour from everything in the 500's but I'd be sending my kid to private school or my wife would be driving 3 hours a day which would negate any savings. We're renting right now, and I'm not making any moves until I feel comfortable. The only thing I feel pretty confident about right now is that cash is king. I see way too many people spending way too much money. I'm sure it's dependent on the area and skillset, but the economy feels unstable to me right now. But then again, I'm a worrier and I feel that everyone in my area is overextended. It's possible that prices go up if mortgage rates go lower, but realistically how low can they go? Either way if you keep your current place you'd get appreciation to keep pace with the inflation.

Gravy Train
Posts: 67
Joined: Mon Dec 01, 2014 10:59 am
Location: Texas

Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by Gravy Train » Wed Sep 18, 2019 3:41 pm

Augustus wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 11:02 pm
But those first 2 years... divorce was a constant thought, and so was running away and being a perpetual travel bum.
I really appreciate you saying this, Augustus. Knowing people like yourself and @horsewoman had these same thoughts makes it easier, and divorce really is a constant thought right now. Right before I had this baby I kept telling myself, "You are going to hate your husband. You do NOT hate your husband. Do NOT divorce your husband." But now I'm in the thick of it and I really hate and want to divorce my husband. I am highly suspicious he feels the same way, based off of his "I really hate my wife and want to divorce her" stares. I'm hoping that in a few years I'll look back at this post and be grateful that our marriage survived. Yay, babies.
___________________

Re-reading the ERE book. Some things stuck out to me:
...agency--the supreme belief that you are in control of your own life, rather than the belief that your life is controlled by luck, destiny or powerful others.
I lack agency.
This kind of "investing" is thought of as a savings account compounding at very high interest rates that are believed to manifest themselves as practically risk-free by waving one's arms and mumbling something about "the long run."
I lol'd at this. And I'm pretty sure I mentioned "the long run" just a few posts ago as an argument about buying more equities in an over-valued market.
The latter [professional specialists] must go to where the jobs are, which can often result in steep costs of living...
My housing situation. The answer to my housing question is another problem - how to move from being a professional specialist to a Renaissance man.

Personal areas for improvement in "Necessary Personal Assets":
-Physiological: Normally I'm 125 lbs., but post-babies I'm, uh, not. Goal: get back down to 125 lbs. (this took about 10 months after first baby, so I'm assuming it'll take a bit longer this time). Historically I have a fast metabolism, but I need to *actually* start exercising.
-Intellectual: Read more, and a wider selection.
-Economic: Remember to translate cost of things into time-value. Read more.
-Emotional: Align actions and goals with personal values. May be my biggest hurdle. 1st step: define personal values.
-Social: I feel okay in this area. Example: Instead of buying new clothes, I borrowed maternity clothes from a friend, and am now wearing my mom's clothes during the postpartum weight -> normal weight transition.
-Technical: Specific areas I'd like to improve: car maintenance (I like doing my own, plus my car is wellllllll past warranty so it's fun to tinker around in); home improvement (specifically, I need to replace my kitchen sink and re-tile the countertop); plumbing (recently replaced my bathroom faucet, felt like superman, it was a good feeling). Specific areas I want and need basic education in: electrical.
-Ecological: Plant garden, use less plastic. I realize that's an over-simplification of this area.

suomalainen
Posts: 706
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm

Re: Gravy Train's Journal

Post by suomalainen » Wed Sep 18, 2019 8:15 pm

I've been on the verge of divorce once or twice - as in, the decision was made and I was planning on going to the lawyer on Monday kind of thing. One piece of advice I got from a divorced woman friend who is about 12 years older than me has really stuck with me:

Don't get divorced thinking you're going to find something/someone better, because you very truly most likely won't. Get divorced only if you'd rather be alone than be with your spouse.

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