Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

[suomalainen]

This want -> do -> should transition still happens to me and I experience it as quite distressing, but now that I'm more aware of this happening, I've been working hard to consciously let it go when the feeling arises.

This looks like an excellent candidate for navel-gazing. If I've ever seen a thing that screams "early programming" this is it. Whether others programmed you into it, or you yourself did as a misguided application of good intentions, figuring out where this one comes from might help lessen its hold on you.

I've thought about this a lot for the last ~10 years. I think what's happening is a confluence of a few personality traits (in layman's terms):

1) I have a highly developed executive function. As a transactional lawyer, this is actually a pretty good trait to have - I'm given a "problem" with a mandate to "get a deal done" and I go off and do it. This works great when I have clients in whom I have confidence. I can tell them about the problems I see and the importance of the problems and various solutions to address those problems, and they can make a choice and I can go off and accomplish it. It's great. It's a little harder when I don't trust my clients to have the experience or ability to consider the big picture and place my small contribution into that picture, but I'm able to let it go since it's not my money.

But in relationships, my codependence manifests as me taking on other people's (emotional) problems and fixing them. I've learned to pare this back with my friends and others that I consider my "equals", so I throw meat to tigers all the time, but what ended up happening with my kids and ex-wife is that I became more pushy and/or am seen as "arrogant" or "not listening" when the truth is that I just don't trust that they're not going to do something dumb. But, it's not about the nail, so I'm getting better at it. I still sometimes overstep with @gravy, but I'm better at catching myself and pulling back and she's good about not taking my crap, and I trust that she is very thoughtful and smart and can figure her own shit out.

2) I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety. As applied here, it means that when I have too many of these "problems" to fix, I get overwhelmed and it starts to feel like I'm jacked on cortisol. So, for example, doing stuff with kids becomes a "should" because even if I don't want to, I feel like it's my responsibility to show the kids and teach the kids to do stuff outside rather than just sitting on the couch all weekend even when that's what I personally want to do. Or even with myself, I feel like it's my obligation or responsibility to get some exercise (biking or whatnot) and my responsible self is taking on my lazy self and trying to get the lazy self to do what it should do.

***

Put these two things together, and I need to get things done quickly and efficiently so I can cross them off my list and not have this list of obligations hanging over my head. Like, even on my walk this morning, I had determined to go out for a short walk in the crisp autumn morning before work to enjoy some mental slowness and the sunshine before engaging with work. Some of these thoughts condensed about halfway through my walk and I suddenly felt an uptick in cortisol and the urge to turn back early to get home and write these thoughts down so I could get this post done. But, I was able to calm myself down and resume my walk, getting lost in crunch of the leaves and the sunshine and the blue skies and the crisp air. And when I got home, I typed some stuff up, joined some work calls, typed some more stuff, more calls, typed some more and now I'm done.

@scott and @7, yeah. We'll take a closer look when we're closer to FI to see what our actual hurdles are. Four years is too far out to model / predict where we'll be. Thanks for the insight, however. It opens the door to possibility in the future rather than just having it rusted shut, as it has been in my mind for the last ~7 years.

[7Wannabe5]

@suo:

It’s interesting to hear your perspective since I am someone who has sometimes not enjoyed being in relationship with men with highly active executive function. However, the “it’s not about the nail” dichotomy is not the issue for me, because I am a rational too. I really only need a lot of emotional support when somebody merging actually tragic happens. It’s more akin to what made young Benjamin Franklin run away from his apprenticeship to his older brother, travel across the country, and pick up some pennies showing off swimming skills he learned by reading a book. Sometimes I think of it as being like a young, gay male bottom trapped in an old straight voluptuous female body. Or maybe more like Mrs. Santa Claus swallowed Tom Sawyer.

[suomalainen]

I didn't think I'd do one of these this year. In prior years (2017, 2018, 2019, 2020 (or perhaps this), 2021, and 2022), it felt like I was struggling with certain thematic elements, and it made sense to revisit a year's worth of posts / thoughts to synthesize them and to create a bit of a sitemap to my haphazard growth. And, to be honest, I sort of felt like I've learned "everything" there is to know about myself - like that I'm not really hoeing new ground any more, but just sort of regurgitating the same old deficiencies in life management, so I didn't feel like there was a real theme to this year. But then, a thought struck me:

In 2021, as I was picking up the pieces after my divorce blew my life apart, ... I've never been happier:

Today, as I exited my condo with my sister's dog and my ski boots into a sunny, warm-ish day, I immediately thought "I love my life."

About halfway into my xc ski with the dog, I ran across three ladies walking a dog and we chatted a little; it seemed like one of them maybe found me attractive. As I turned to leave, I immediately thought "I love my life."

As I think about the time I've spent skiing with my kids, playing games with my kids, watching movies or shows with my kids this last year, and all of the conversations these activities have engendered, I think, "I love my life."

As I think about the time I've spent with the wonderful woman I'm seeing, I think, "I love my life."

And the year 2023, in contrast, has felt brutally difficult even though it was full of wonderful events: @gravy and I got married, we moved from a near-downtown-apartment to a nearby-suburb-single-family-home with more space inside and out for us and the kids, and I started a new job for far more money.

Why the ironic (paradoxical?) contrast of situational inputs and psychological framing? When shit sucked, I was happy. When shit's great, I'm depressed. Something something simplicity and low expectations something something versus complexity and elevated hopes something something.

Back in 2019 - 2021, I couldn't possibly think beyond the day I was in. My relationships were a mess. Money was pouring out of me like a sieve. I couldn't focus on anything other than triage and making sure my divorce from their mother didn't permanently destroy my children. Whether I succeeded or not remains to be seen, and perhaps success or failure is irrelevant, the point being that all I thought about was how to interact with these kids and/or their mother in the present interaction to reduce frictions and stress and irritations and to increase love and belonging and safety. Life was simple, even if crushing. I enjoyed the simplicity of going for a bike ride or a ski and just blanking my mind. It was enough.

In 2023, my new job created ... opportunity. Having @gravy in my life created ... opportunity. Future possibilities exploded in my head, and suddenly my focus could easily be shunted from the present to thinking about and planning for things we might want in the future. But instead of stressing about the incredible amount of money leaking from me to my ex-wife, I started stressing about the very little amount of money I was able to start saving for future use. My desire to maximize that quite small future flow overwhelmed my unpracticed defenses. My anxiety spiked and depression soon followed.

At the same time, my children's futures are becoming both murkier as well as more in focus. My oldest has progressed very, very slowly leading me to wonder whether life-long institutionalization or its home-bound equivalent will be required. My middle has been considering a study-abroad semester to the fatherland, requiring logistical and emotional planning beyond my current capacity. My youngest has my brand of anxiety, and I gotta say, being around me must be just peachy. Sorry, @gravy*. In all cases, the kids are becoming such complex creatures that trying to keep up with them or learning what my role should be in their individual lives is very challenging. On the other side of the country, @gravy's kids, while still in the just-barely-more-complex-than-dogs stage, will very, very soon begin to become complex creatures of their own. While I don't expect to be taken by surprise by their transitions (other than in the details), and it is in some ways wonderful to see a dog-child become an individual-human, it also brings with it all of its complexities and challenges. Long way of saying that my life is ... full.

Sitting here, now, while rationally understandable, it is emotionally unbelievable to me that such wonderful additions to my life have created such emotional disturbances. And yet, this little deficiency in life management tastes ... familiar ...

It's been quite a journey since I last wrote here. So much so that it's difficult to to know where to start.

I think the theme has been that since the accident, my internal life has been thrown topsy turvy in a way that has been very difficult to get a handle on. I started reading IlliniDave's journal today, the "Journey of Mindfulness" title catching my eye. Something he wrote really resonated with me and my struggles -- "I think too much." There's a certain myopia to the thinking and even the thinking about thinking.

When it comes to early retirement (or "freedom", which seems to be what retirement symbolizes for me), it's like navel gazing and picking out each piece of lint as it gathers, or more graphically, picking at a scab to see how it's healing. I don't know that it's healthy. So, the struggle has been, as it seems to have been at least in the early entries for IlliniDave, to learn to live in the moment.

* Reminds me of a line in Runaway - "Baby, I got a plan. Run away fast as you can."

[lightfruit55]

Your post reminded me I haven’t listened to Runaway for a while! So easy for all of us to always find something wrong.

Thanks for always sharing so intimately and all the best with @gravy and the full squad for 2024!

[Biscuits and Gravy]

“Run away fast as you can."

Nah, sounds exhausting.

[suomalainen]

Apropos: (I know this is a double posting, but I wanted it here in my journal as a reminder)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8YgqN9cG84

5:24 The trouble with something like a finicky job like a canoe renovation or building a house is that you become oppressively tied to it unless you have circuit breakers. Running has always done that for me. It has always been my reboot. I think I have a really good balanced, sustainable life because I run.

6:55 I love making things when I'm really in the thick of it. I sometimes get carried away and you think, "I wish I was at the finish line just now. I wish I was finished standing here with a cold beer tomorrow looking at this finished project." Now that's a horrible place to be because life will all of a sudden be over if you're always thinking about the beer moment and about tomorrow. I've just gotta be really happy with just each chunk of crafting I do between running laps.

16:20 I don't really care for happiness or resilience. Well, I do, but I actually think they're byproducts of being busy making and fixing things with purpose.

[suomalainen]

2024 started off with a bang:

- I stopped drinking two weeks ago (I don't know for how long it will continue).
- I joined a gym to be able to lift weights (it pains me to pay for a gym membership when exercise of many types is free, but as I wasn't exercising on my own, any benefit from going will far outweigh the cost. Especially in the summer in Houston). I've just been doing 1 set of squats, lat pulldowns, shoulder presses, pushups, dips (when I remember to do them), curls, tricep extensions, hanging leg raises. I don't really have a plan, but would like to get most of the benefits of lifting weights with the least amount of time invested. Now that my body is somewhat acclimated to doing some weight training, I'm thinking of breaking it up into leg days and arm days so I can get to the gym pretty much every day. If at some point I decide to have "goals", then I guess I'd have to come up with a plan. But as of now, I'm just enjoying half-assing it and feeling some slight soreness the day after.
- I simply stopped thinking about my pathetic place in the universe. Thinking about it caused me so much grief.
- I stopped thinking about "what I'd do when [some life event happens]". I realized that I was just day-dreaming about the end of such-and-such stressor, when instead, I should just, you know, get better at managing my stressors and, more importantly, my stress reaction to such-and-such-relatively-minor stressor. I'm not in a war zone. Anything else is just a spider problem.

[suomalainen]

I start with the premise that the vast majority of our lives are determined by our genetics. A few thought experiments for those whose initial reactions to that statement might be along the lines of "my life is determined by free will":

1) Choose to want something different. Think back over whatever list of wants and likes that you have, be it early retirement, or other-service, or video games, or pizza. If you have the feeling that you've "discovered" these things about yourself rather than "self-authored" these things about yourself, you may be a biological entity driven by genetics.
2) Think on the degrees of freedom in which you make choices. If your choices are to act in accordance with desires given you by your genetics or to act opposed to them, how free are you given that it seems the consequences of such actions are mostly binary - happiness or contentment or peace for the former and depression, sadness or cognitive dissonance for the latter? Unless you're a masochist (and if you are, did you choose it?), you likely will stumble around life until you find a therapist to help you accept what you are and to begin to act accordingly, despite familial and social conditioning that attempted to make you something you are not.
3) If you still find yourself resistant to the idea that we are largely merely biological entities driven by genetics, learn to fly without mechanical assistance. If you can do that, color me impressed. If instead all you can do is choose to help an old lady cross the street when instead you wanted to push (or fine, ignore) her ...

That being settled, I state the first and second laws of fatherhood:

All fathers are doing their very best, even when their very best isn't very good.

Even though your father sucked, your life moved on and so did you.

Each of those laws are viewed through the lens of the child, and really only mature when the child matures into an adult-child. Acceptance of the first law is generally preceded by a whole lot of therapy or having life experiences teach you the second law or both. This maturation and acceptance sometimes never happens, which results in weeping and gnashing of teeth and circles back to the initial premise that people are primarily biological entities driven by genetics. Learning can happen, but it often takes some experience (or the aforementioned generous dose of therapy) to break the automatic loops that we get stuck in, which then reveals the (narrow) parameters within which we are able to exercise free will. But unless that happens, assholes gonna asshole.

The third law of fatherhood then, is really a derivation and a transformation of the first two laws that can be abused as a justification by those who never matured or can be vulnerably, meekly, humbly, embarrassingly accepted by those who do:

You are doing your very best as a father, and even though you aren't very good at it, your children will (or won't) move on well despite your bumbling attempts.

Circle of life. It strikes me that it can be so difficult to wear your child glasses and your father glasses at the same time, even if you are sandwiched by living generations. Perhaps there remains a level of maturation that may only be achieved on losing the upper generational layer and gaining a second generational layer below you that permits the pain of your inadequacy to be reduced by viewing your inadequacy's inadequacy and realizing with compassion: it's ok. it's enough. it will work out. mostly because it doesn't really matter what you do as a father. generations of shitty fathers before you couldn't destroy their children, and neither could you. the ability to withstand and overcome shitty fathers is built into our genetic code - perhaps having a shitty father isn't a bug; perhaps it's a feature, unlocking the genetically latent desire to be better, to learn, to strive, to become the skilled person you need to be to survive this savagely competitive biological world in order to sire your own unfortunate seed.

And so, to my own unfortunate children, I say by way of humble offering on the altar of your judgment:

Now I've done my best, I know it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come here to London just to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand right here before the Lord of song
With nothing, nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Now, go forth. Step out of my shadow and into yourselves. Discover. Accept. Become. Embrace. I will always be here to help you as best I can, but seeing as how little my best is, you will have to rely on yourselves. Like I did. And my fathers before me. You were born to this.

[Henry]

assholes gonna asshole.

I believe the original title to Harry Chapin's Cat's In Cradle was "I was the asshole now you're the asshole" but record company said to change that shit.

[7Wannabe5]

It occurs to me that maybe there is a level on which this line of thinking is more difficult for fathers than mothers because fatherhood is more of a cultural invention. IOW, men always have to acceptthe mantle of fatherhood while women simply become mothers. I mean, maternal guilt is for-sure-let-me-tell-you real, but because motherhood is so physiological, it might be easier to have on some level the same perspective on it that one has on going through puberty.

[suomalainen]

The other day, @gravy and I went to her mom's house to help move some plants around after the recent freeze receded. She lives in a townhome(?) I guess it's called in America (rivitalo in Finland), where you have like a row of homes that share side walls or at least it looks like from the front that the walls are shared (walled side yard), but no upstairs, downstairs or backside neighbors. This results in a shared front yard but a private, small backyard. Gravy's mom's backyard is mostly a deck from the house to the garage, maybe 15 feet across, which is shaded/covered by an opaque roof. There are then two small side yards, on either side of the central deck. She's maintained it nicely so there's a little water feature, a little rock path, some potted plants, a tree or two, etc. - all very nice and peaceful.

As I was standing there while gravy and her mom chatted, I looked around and thought it would be nice to have a little zen garden. And then I chuckled to myself as I realized that there I was wishing for something I could easily have as we have our own little backyard, with five or so potted plants that have died from lack of care. I remember once thinking about how parents with children are so "selfishly" centered on their kids, but as it turns out, I was just a judgmental little prick. Parents are so self-(child-)centered because they don't have capacity for anything else! Really, we should be pitied and not judged.

In any event, I suppose it will just be another challenge, but there will come a day when I actually have to have a plan for how to fill up my time when the twin institutions of work and family don't drain me daily. Something something devil's workshop. Meantime, I am working hard on staying in the present, focusing on my workouts / walks, and otherwise tending to my work and family responsibilities.

[7Wannabe5]

One of the reasons I took up gardening as a serious hobby was to prevent myself from the temptation to have a third baby when my first two were approaching school-age since I suffer from the "if they could just stay little until their Carters wear out" variety of sentimentality. I regarded my motley collection of perennials as my new "babies", and eventually integrated them into a French Potager inspired mixed ornamental/edible design. A couple years later I found myself full-time corporate employed with terrible donut-powered white-knuckle commute through deer country, and "I would rather be gardening." was definitely my take.

IOW, I agree that young kids, commute and full-time job is about all anybody can sensibly handle, and you are doing great if you are also working out and not hitting the donuts. Being a parent will eventually become a very part-time job most of the time, with only very intermittent crises calling you back to larger responsibility. I would estimate that since my youngest turned 22 (11 years ago), I've only experienced maybe a year's worth of months when being a Mom was in my top 2 or 3 all forms life-energy expense categories. Holidays, weddings, mental/physical breakdowns, break-ups and divorces, job loss, odd lost year; that's about it until/unless grandkids come into the mix.

OTOH, one of my poly-partners has 2 biological and 2 challenging adopted kids from his first marriage, and a step-son and two adopted challenging relatives-of-wife from his second marriage. And he is now soon to turn 70 and only experienced a few months of empty nest, before having to take custody of a challenging grandchild and his elderly mother-in-law. He is a total sweetheart personality wise, but it still makes him a bit cranky.

[suomalainen]

@7 cranky and man seem to go hand in hand, particularly where children (regardless of whose) are involved. Perhaps it has something to do with physiological changes not being too prominent in men as you speculated above. I did read something about baby pheromones impacting new fathers. Maybe it was something about lowering testosterone, making new fathers more cooperative or something like that. I suspect that wears off pretty fast. I've often thought that mothers aren't actually women anymore. Nor are they even human. A whole 'nuther species. My almost-80-year-old mother still treats me like I'm her precious boy fretting over this and that, while my 80-year-old father acknowledges my existence a few times a year with a nod. Go figure.

Been lifting weights once or twice a week and I've kept my daily steps above 10k. One thing I'm learning about myself is that I do need social interaction beyond my kids, gravy and her kids, especially as a fully remote worker. When I'm in the north, I have a few opportunities to play paddle tennis or golf or go to lunch or go for a walk, but the social opportunities are definitely less than pre-covid when I went to the office daily. Then when I'm in the south, I have no friends there, so I pretty much do everything with gravy. Given my worry-plate is full enough, I don't really know what to do about that at this juncture, but I know that at some point when I feel more centered, I'll have to start giving some thought to making friends in the south. Both @smashter's And @ffj's recent thoughts on this have helped me realize this is an area where I will have to be more intentional. I may join a disc golf league in the spring if I can find one locally that works with our schedules (since we share a car and you need a car to get anywhere in Houston).

My dry January ended on Sunday. I like being dry ... until the kids are around (see cranky, above). I guess my goal for the year will be to have a healthier approach to the sauce, but to allow for it when "needed".

[Aspirant]

"My middle has been considering a study-abroad semester to the fatherland, requiring logistical and emotional planning beyond my current capacity."

I think I might be able to help on this. If the University of choice happens to be in my town, I can find student housing easily and advice on the procedures. I can also find the right people and websites from other cities. DW teaches at the local Uni so I can talk to her about any academic questions you might have.

I had dry January as well. Ended it with 2 beers. I think I will continue a few months of near sobriety

[suomalainen]

@aspirant will pm you.

Went out to celebrate a friend's end of dry January on Friday night. After the bar, we were driving past another friend's house and decided to see if he was home. Turns out he was drinking with some neighbors in the basement, so after round 2 ... I had a shitty hangover on Saturday. Will be a long while before I do that to myself again. Was good to get out and socialize tho, and if alcohol is the glue that makes it possible, the cost will be well worth it.

Speaking of costs, I also went out to lunch with some former coworkers and one of them mentioned that we should start playing racquetball again. The way the other guy's face lit up made me think it could be a sustainable thing, so now I'm signed up for my second gym for $70/month (this being the only gym in the area with racquetball courts). While I hesitated to buy a membership that breaks down to $35 per hour of racquetball, I instantly and unconsciously did the math that my two gym memberships are less than a quarter of the cost of the therapy and/or medications I'm going to otherwise need.

This weekend was the first time in a while that I had zero plans. And it was joyous. It helped me both look forward to the time when I won't have work and/or kids scheduling my day, but it also helped me focus on the present - the healthy and helpful things I would do to fill up my day then are things that I can make time for now, even if it's the pace of life that seems to be the problem rather than the substance. The pace just can't be helped for now, as far as I can tell.

[suomalainen]

https://grist.org/economics/slow-down-d ... rowser.com

Degrowth is about abandoning GDP [gross domestic product] as the single measure of our progress. Degrowth is also about reducing what is unnecessary.

GDP can be increased by producing what is unnecessary, like private jets. I’m saying, OK, maybe we don’t need these things because that’s only for rich people, and that’s also destroying the planet. So why don’t we spend money and energy on something that is more sustainable and that everyone needs? For example, free internet, free public transportation, free education, free medical care.

Appears to be a Japanese author with a book originally published (in Japanese) as Capital in the Anthropocene which has been translated and titled in English Slow Down: The Degrowth Manifesto. I haven't read the book, but I read this article and it reminded me of some ideas and conversations I probably (first) encountered here, you bunch of Marxists. Anyway, I think anything remotely approaching a degrowth world is about as likely as world peace, but it did make me think about it from an individual perspective. Perhaps degrowth (whether gradual and voluntary or sudden and involuntary) is not probable in my lifetime, so I don't have to try to solve a global problem or even prepare for the individual consequences of a global problem, but I do think that we in America need a cultural adjustment to slow down, to seek more satisfaction from what we currently have rather than constantly wanting for what we don't. Again, I can't effect cultural change, but in my mindfulness project, I can seek to be content with, and grateful for, what I do have, while working to make gradual, measured progress towards something different (as opposed to something more).

[suomalainen]

I suppose it's time for an update. The winter was brutal on the mind, following the 2023 stresses mentioned above. I did end up surviving 3 rounds of layoffs. I ended up spending a lot of money to get gym memberships to have somewhere to go since I work at home full time. Cheaper than therapy. I feel better as the days are lengthening and the temperature is rising. I know it presages an absolutely-brutal-fucking summer, but for now I am enjoying the spring temperatures on my skin when I have them (more so in the south now than in the north).

As you may have read, gravy decided to take a jump

Today I asked my boss if I could work part-time...And there’s this feeling of, oh shit, I just started a ball rolling.

In large part, I have to credit this openness to a different path to @2b1s and other retirees / semi-erers who have journaled their unconventional lives (whether in FI accumulation, semi-ere, post-retirement or otherwise). To wit:

Here I must vehemently (vehemently) disagree. So many people treat FIRE as the end, when in reality it is the beginning. Journaling the progress to the starting line is fine and can be helpful for others to read to help them know how to address a certain set of problems, but then FIRE people disappear right when the storytelling gets to be good! There's a whole new set of problems to be addressed, and your stories are a wonderful prompt to think about the other side of that FIRE journey. Thanks so much for staying plugged in and writing about this more interesting part - the post-FIRE life. I wish more people would stick around. It seems like the newest crop of FIREites have been doing that, for which I am very grateful.

I don't think I would have been as accepting of the idea that gravy could go part-time, at least for now, and she can change her mind at any time to go back to work full time or to quit altogether and then to change her mind again whenever she wishes. I've been such a "work full time until you retire" normy my whole life that it's really taken all of you to educate me that things can be done, and done well, differently. So many thanks to all of you who share your lives and decisisons and thought processes here.

As for us, I didn't and don't want to pressure gravy to do anything for me that she doesn't want to do for herself. But as it turns out, we both see direct benefits for both of us to her going part time for now. Primarily and directly for both of us so that there is less stress and more time to address the stressors that remain. We both want that for her and we'll both benefit from that. Indirectly for me, there is also the benefit of making this small adjustment and just seeing how it goes. As mentioned above, I'm a bit of a timeline normy and the idea of leaving of my job now is both 1) impractical, but 2) scary. Hopefully, I can use this as an opportunity to learn from her - how to make the financial adjustment, but also how to handle the increased personal time. I'm not really sure how I would handle a large amount of freedom-to time, so perhaps an incremental change like this is in my future as well. I hope to be better prepared by going through this exercise with gravy.

Other than that, just trying to stay healthy - emotionally, mentally, physically and socially. Oh, speaking of, I came to a realization when it comes to weight loss. There's all the diet hoopla around various diets. There's all kinds of hoopla around weights vs cardio. There's all kinds of hoopla around everything. But I watched a series of things on youtube that helped me put all of it into place, and the thing is this: it's all bullshit. The principle is "calories in / calories out". It's just thermodynamics. The rest is bullshit. Where the hoopla gets injected is obfuscating the principle by selling the method. HOW do you manage to eat fewer calories than you burn? That's where the money is to be made, so that's where the hoopla is.

So all the diets are basically bullshit. There's no magic to them. The only magic is how a diet interacts with you - can you stick to it? Does it work with your hunger levels? Does it work with your food preferences? That's why "whole foods" diets and keto diets work so well. They're boring and calorie sparse! It's hard to overeat a boring diet. It's hard to overeat calorie sparse foods. It's super easy to over-eat the Standard American Diet. Fat and cheap carbs together are both delicious and not filling per calorie so you're able to eat too many of them. If you can count calories or otherwise limit yourself, then eat whatever you want. Otherwise, you may need to try a diet that is less delicious and/or more filling per calorie (i.e., less calorie dense) and which one works for you will be a matter of taste.

The idea around metabolism variability is bullshit too. A body uses a certain amount of energy to do its basic functions. For the same amount of body weight, that is not going to vary tremendously. The energy consumed is proportional to the amount of carbon dioxide you exhale (else how does the carbon from fat leave your body?). The amount you exhale is directly proportional to how much you move - more movement means more exhalation means more calories burned means more weight lost. So is lifting weights or cardio better? Yes. Whatever it is, do more of it, with a similar density caveat as for food - you can't exercise "densely" for very long. You can't lift past exhaustion. You can't run past exhaustion. There's a limit. But you can walk basically forever. So find a balance of walking to increase your general activity level throughout the day along with exercise-specific expenditure (be it weights or cardio or whatever) for such period of time as you're able to sustain without injury.

And that's really all there is to it. No magic bullet. Just find a way to eat fewer calories and to move more and you'll lose weight. The best way for you can only be found by trial and error.

[Ego]

The principle is "calories in / calories out". It's just thermodynamics. The rest is bullshit. Where the hoopla gets injected is obfuscating the principle by selling the method. HOW do you manage to eat fewer calories than you burn? That's where the money is to be made, so that's where the hoopla is.

Lobbing grenades into your own journal can get dangerous. I will not argue with you.

But I will say that the argument resembles the life before and after retirement. Weigh loss eating is to an optimal diet what the saving phase of pre-retirement is to a flourishing post-retirement, freedom-to life. Or something like that.

[suomalainen]

Fair enough. But to carry the analogy a bit further, what is one optimizing? And does it always (through time) have to be the same thing? And would it be the same thing (at all times) for every person? So, to the extent you are optimizing weight loss (or FI) in your "multi-legged physical (or financial) stool", there are various methods you can take, and to each his own. But beneath the methods, there is the same basic math (calories in/out on the one hand and withdrawal rates on the other). The semi-ere analogy would be to maybe do the keto-diet or rigid intermittent fasting (90% saving rate) for a short period of time and then switch to something more sustainable, i.e., focusing on more than just one leg of the stool at a time / optimizing multi-dimensionally rather than uni-dimensionally.

Regardless of arguments over preferences, what was enlightening for me was to distinguish the principle from the methods. It helped me to see why certain diets / lifestyles have, for me, been weight-gaining vs weight-losing, sustainable vs unsustainable, "healthy" vs "unhealthy", etc. Same thing happened to me on my financial journey when I read MMM's the simple math behind retirement post. It demystified it for me.

[delay]

Just find a way to eat fewer calories and to move more and you'll lose weight.

Thanks for your journal update! The above is something I could have written years ago. Yet I tried it often and it didn't work for me. By now I feel sure that "move more / eat less" never worked for anyone.

The body is a living organism. If you give your body enough options it will choose its own weight, and it won't choose obesity.