Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Where are you and where are you going?
suomalainen
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What am I going to do today?

Post by suomalainen »

As alluded to in my last post, I have started getting up early(ier at least) in the mornings and going outside to do a workout first thing. It's my "dawn patrol". I've done it 21 of 22 days so far. It's been good.

A few mornings ago, I was in one of those blah moods, not really looking forward to doing the same old bullshit yet again (i.e., The Tedium) to accomplish ... what? It made me think on my drive to my morning dawn patrol run/walk about how purposeless and meaningless my daily work/life feels. It's like I want to get to the end of this period and accomplish The Thing, but then I wondered what even is The Thing? Because even when I finish working for money, I still have to answer the question "What am I going to do today?"

I read over and over again that people who are retired can struggle to find a sense of meaning and purpose, so many of them turn to volunteer work or they get involved with their church or some other community group. And so that got me thinking about what meaning and purpose is. And I went down the path of thinking that meaning requires an interpretation and purpose requires intention, and both of these verb-to-noun morphemes require a doer. At first I wondered if these doers had to be conscious, but then I think it applies throughout the animal kingdom and even across the plant kingdom to some extent as well. Animals hunt or graze intentionally when they are hungry; their purpose is to eat; they follow trails, interpreting scents or movement or whatnot along the way. Plants can grow towards the light. Perhaps consciousness occurs along a spectrum, but regardless of the depth of that rabbit hole, it's clear that intention and purpose don't require consciousness.

But then what is the difference between light-seeking plants and hungry lions and human office workers? Oftentimes what we humans do when we discuss meaning and purpose is we adopt much grander geographies and timescales than "sunlight patch of forest floor" or "local food source", and "now" or "in the next hour". Reminds me of Tolstoy's struggling with this idea of trying to map our finite lives to an infinite universe or David Foster Wallace's "constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing." Humans want our actions to have universal impact and also eternal impact. It struck me that perhaps this is a consequence of not merely being an animal that can have intention and can interpret its surroundings, but it's borne of humans being social, cooperative animals. Having a common sense of purpose and a common interpretation of surroundings furthers survival. In short, having a sense of community is important, more important than the self through which any individual human can only experience the world. This leads to a constant struggle in an individual between the localized self and the larger community, even if it seems this struggle has become more and more blurred.

This theme of mission, purpose and community has been used with great effect by nation states, religions and now corporations for millenia. My corporate employer has a dumbass mission statement that's intended to inspire us to "go above and beyond in service to our customers", to work harder than we otherwise might than if we were merely collecting paychecks. But why must there be more? When did "I'm going to provide for my family" become "I'm going to change the world"? Being inundated with these messages from the state, the church and the employer, one can't help but be influenced in thinking that if there's cognitive dissonance, it's not society that's wrong - it's you.

Companies now talk about this in terms of "employee engagement" - workers who are "engaged" in their work are happier, more productive, more profitable, etc. Of course employers have massive incentives to have "engaged" workers and to not focus too much on the question of how the extra value created by engaged vs "quiet quitting" employees is shared. An employer is interested in value capture, not with sharing the benefits of an "engaged" employee with the employee. To me, that seems exploitative. After all, we are told, if we're not "engaged", there's something wrong with us. This leads me to lend a skeptical eye to such messages.

Perhaps, as noted in another thread, this is a consequence of cultural / societal values and pressures:
zbigi wrote:
Wed Aug 10, 2022 3:16 pm
What's also interesting, the people in Poland don't largely have "hobbies" per se. They may putter around in the garden, constantly fix their old (and only!) car or go fishing, but they rarely think of it as their official hobby, as people in the West do. I suspect the Western approach may be a fallout of the protestant work ethic, where even the things people do for fun have to fall under something that can be framed in terms of productivity ("he's working to get better at his hobby").
In addition to the American-cultural productivity / work ethic angle (in addition to a recent thread here titled "How efficient/productive are you?", there was even a recent thread here titled: "Optimizing Sex", so you know, this impulse seems to run pretty deep), I wonder if some of this need for "engagement" is fed by our constant modern need to be mentally engaged or entertained or stimulated. Our smart phones are gateway drugs to not having patience for doing boring tasks when the task's purpose is not to "be engaged" or "change the world", but merely to hunt and gather food; to gather sticks for the fire; to make minor repairs to the shelter. Perhaps the so-called "crisis of meaning" is more of an attention deficit disorder brought on by this constant need for stimulation.

In any event, I come back to this idea of why must we always be searching for meaning from our jobs, our hobbies, our relationships, our every minute of every day? Perhaps if my reach exceeds my grasp, it's not the grasp that requires adjustment. Notwithstanding the (culturally inflicted? genetically imposed as a specimen of a social, collaborative species?) impulse to find meaning in anything and everything, I can refocus my attention. Sometimes, all I'm doing at work is earning money. Sometimes, all I'm doing at play is playing. Sometimes, all I'm doing is ... filling up the hours. So rather than buying into this ... marketing angle? that I need to have some grand, universal purpose ... what if I just accept the fact that this life is but a fart in the universal wind? The question for the fart is not "what eternal, universal significance is there to my actions and my life?" but rather simply "What am I going to do today?"

What. Am. I. Going. To. Do. Today? Such a simple question, to be asked of anyone and everyone, every day, regardless of their social status, their job status, their family status, their hopes and dreams, their FI status, their values. Nothing will ever change this question. There is no "The Thing" that makes this question redundant. There is no achievement that makes this question irrelevant. There is no crossing the finish line that finally (and with finality) answers the question. Every. Single. Day. We have to do something, regardless of what yesterday saw achieved. The only question is what?

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Lemur
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Lemur »

To answer the question of what....it can never be specific but the general answer seems to lie on a large spectrum between "Live, Laugh, Love" and "Put a Dent in the Universe." Perhaps predetermined forces (upbringing, temperament, personality types, how one unconsciously deals with mortality) is what drives one person to take one road versus another.

suomalainen
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by suomalainen »


MBBboy
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by MBBboy »

Oh man, that article really grinds my gears. Yet another example of "the machine" working vigorously to convince us that something smart is dumb, or vice versa. The collective wisdom of mankind' experience chipped away with "new research by experts", designed to make us more lethargic, easy to control, and dependent on expert institutions. After all, " tradition is just peer pressure from dead people" - actual quote from a young person on my old team. This rant makes me feel 30 years older than my age

suomalainen
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by suomalainen »

classical_Liberal wrote:
Tue Oct 18, 2022 6:16 pm
I read Sou's last post and it seems in opposition to your "quiet quitting".
Copying over to here so as to not hijack @gravy's journal.

@cL - Not sure how you read my post about meaning and purpose, but it was certainly not in opposition to "quiet quitting". I think, for me, I have accepted this idea that meaning, purpose and "being engaged" are human needs. My cynicism as to organizations (nations, religions and corporations) is that the leaders of these organizations are seeking to leverage this human need for their own benefit. For example, Putin or other leaders leveraging patriotism or whatnot to wage war for ... what purpose that would benefit the country? I really don't get what the Russian people's interest could possibly be in invading Ukraine, even though I've read all of the explanations. I guess you have to be Russian to really get the mindset. Anyway, I read a thing once about war and it contained a quote from a young soldier that has stayed with me (paraphrasing): I'm tired of old men sending young men to their deaths.

This happens in religions and corporations too - you are preached at that you are defective if you don't give everything to the church or the corporation, when the church or corporation has zero (or at least less) interest in enriching you while they have great (or at least greater) interest in enriching themselves. Maybe, MAYBE, you will get lucky and have a truly charitable leader who is truly interested in enriching his followers (Jesus is portrayed this way), but looking at leaders of big churches and corporations ... yeah, these truly Christ-like leaders (even if they profess being followers of Christ themselves) are few and far between.

Accordingly, yes, find yourself some meaning and purpose, most likely through an engaging activity. BE ENGAGED. But don't allow yourself to be used by someone trying to exert control over you to extract the value of your engagement. THAT is what is exploitative and what "quiet quitting" addresses. Keep the value of your engagement for yourself or give it freely. But why give it to someone who will simply monetize it to satisfy their own greed?

TL;DR - basically a blend of what @MBBboy and @lemur said - so the trick, is to figure out where on the spectrum you are and to do your thing, without worrying too much about peer pressure, whether living or dead.

classical_Liberal
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by classical_Liberal »

@Suo

I did. That's kind-of what got me thinking.

Personally, I'm about two years out from having any type of a professional career that could constitute a purpose. I don't think its abnormal, reading others experiences, that at some point the vacation mentality (for lack of a better descriptor) of ER runs it's course. In some ways I miss having a purpose driven career. However, as you said, I hated being constantly taken advantaged of in that career to squeeze a few more cents out of the bottom line. When MY actual purpose for that career was focused on something entirely different. IOW, no matter what the job description was on paper, it become clear over time that my purpose and my employers purpose did not align.

In this same period of time (between ending career and now) I also lost a long term romantic relationship. Another lost purpose if you will. All of this is not to say I haven't been busy. Just more directionless busy, doing and learning things I have always wanted to do. Eventually this leads to a life inflection point where it has become necessary for me to redefine or create some important purposes to maintain my happiness and health. This is probably where people begin to volunteer in standard retirement.

I think it is possible to find purpose in a career, if your purpose intertwines with an employers in many significant ways. I think that when the actual purpose of the career is to make money for another, different purpose. Then the idea of "quiet quitting" makes sense. IOW, find a career (or job) that allows for the flexibility to minimize interference with other parts of life deemed more important to the individual. I would argue that in the US today this is the majority of households. However, a clear sense of this trade off should always be kept in the minds eye. IOW Make sure the doldrums of the means to an end do not get emotionally confused with the end itself. This isn't always easy to do. A discombobulation between the two can lead to miserable circumstances.

Consider this, when the option of working to earn income for another, more defining purpose is removed (due to FI). A great number of possibilities to occupy time are removed. It's an interesting problem.

suomalainen
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by suomalainen »

Yes, exactly. It seems to be the only interesting problem. So ... what do you do all day? Where do you find your purpose / where do you satisfy that human need for achievement or accomplishment or meaning or purpose or however you'd describe it?

As to the doldrums idea, there was a thread here some time ago discussing burnout, I think it was, and there was this idea about different kinds of burnout (actually, I think you participated in this thread), and one of the kinds was something like "you see behind the curtain that your job/industry/whatever is [bad or something] and you can't unsee it. It's just over for you at that point and there's no coming back from it." A way of saying that I don't know if this "trade off" is really voluntary. It just sorta happens to some of us. I think shift workers have always had a chance to more clearly define boundaries between work and life, even though shift workers could still have whatever feelings about their job that they had. I think "quiet quitting" is really more of an always-on-office-worker-with-a-blackberry phenomenon of pushing back and wanting to establish more of a shift-work mentality and boundaries. After all, if I'm just a cog in the employer machine, why shouldn't the employer just be a cog in my life machine? It's like shift workers were always treated like shit ("he's just a shift worker"). Office workers were treated like shit but told there was meaning and opportunity in that shit-treatment. Now, the office worker has shed the illusion that they are important or that their work is more important than a shift-worker's work. This view, of course, is colored by my position as an office worker, so perhaps it's too narrow of a view of the phenomenon. There's certainly a non-zero portion of the shift worker population who thought there would be meaning in climbing the corporate ladder.

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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

It's also entirely possible to lose your sense of purpose in relationship to your own self-defined and self-assigned activities. At the highest level, this happens when your essential Truth changes. At somewhat lower level it can happen when your values shift and/or you reach a plateau of knowledge/experience. However, the advantage of possessing some degree of indepencence, whether financial or otherwise, is that you don't necessarily have to stay stuck in the rut for as long. Still, I think psychological sunk costs are often much harder to overcome than simple limiting factors such as "not enough money."

classical_Liberal
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by classical_Liberal »

@suo
There is a difference between "shift work", and "office work". I've done both. As a matter of fact, my last "office work" career was compensated 100% commission. I will admit this was through mostly the 2000's, but even then, email, cell phone, text trees, etc made 24/7 availability a thing. Maybe not quite as bad as some of the tools today though. Even then, someone who was putting up decent numbers, even though we were not paid for our time per se, if you disappeared from the office for days at a time questions were asked and expectations were reiterated.

One of the initial pleasures of switching to shift work was the expectation that my off time was my time. However, that has changed as well. Shift workers are increasingly connected. Even if technically illegal, ways are found to pressure even the most professional level shift workers into connectivity during off time. I really do not think that a distinction can be drawn anymore. Even when I worked part time as a bartender this summer, I was pushed into a text thread on my personal phone. Only a jerk wouldn't help out when it's needed, lol. Pretty funny for me, not so funny for people who needed the job to make their rent. This is probably a major reason why people dislike their jobs more than ever on all colors of the collar.

Edit: I'm not sure if your questions on the previous post were literal or rhetorical. If they were literal, I could spend some time thinking and get back to you. However, those are, honesty, major questions I am asking myself today. Hence the comments.
Last edited by classical_Liberal on Thu Oct 20, 2022 4:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.

classical_Liberal
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by classical_Liberal »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Thu Oct 20, 2022 10:09 am
At the highest level, this happens when your essential Truth changes.
Can you discuss essential truth or reference something to explain your meaning?
7Wannabe5 wrote:
Thu Oct 20, 2022 10:09 am
Still, I think psychological sunk costs are often much harder to overcome than simple limiting factors such as "not enough money."
I think this depends on circumstance. While I agree in a rich country this may very well be true. My recent travels to lower GDP per capita countries have suggested the opposite is true.

This type of phenomenon has been discussed before here, even in class differences within the US. How is primary means of support established? Friends and family vs $$$$ paying activities. The limiting factor depends on scarcity.

suomalainen
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by suomalainen »

@cL - they were literal. I find those questions the most interesting of all the questions life has for us. And I think it's more illuminating to ask that question of people who don't "have" to do anything in particular. When you "have" to do something, I guess it's easier to just inertia it and not question it. And yes, I acknowledge this is very much a first world problem (i.e., it's not hard to answer the question "why are you doing this thing that you have to do in order to survive the day?"). I guess that goes back to my original post on this topic - when did "I'm working to support my family" become "I'm working to save the world".

I guess where I'm going with this is for a guy who doesn't get much meaning from his job, I'd like to explore the process by which meaning is made, so that I can apply that to my not-job areas of life, even if I do still have to earn my daily bread for the foreseeable future. I wanna get a little taste of that secret sauce.

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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

classical_Liberal wrote:Can you discuss essential truth or reference something to explain your meaning?
Nothing mind-blowing. For simple instance, whether or not you believe in God and/or Progress will inform your sense of purpose/meaning in your work and relationships. Often we don't fully recognize our essential truth(s) because they're the broth we're stewed in.
7Wannabe5 wrote:
Still, I think psychological sunk costs are often much harder to overcome than simple limiting factors such as "not enough money."
I think this depends on circumstance. While I agree in a rich country this may very well be true. My recent travels to lower GDP per capita countries have suggested the opposite is true.

classical_Liberal: This type of phenomenon has been discussed before here, even in class differences within the US. How is primary means of support established? Friends and family vs $$$$ paying activities. The limiting factor depends on scarcity.
True, I was primarily considering those living in relatively affluent society. However, consider the situation of an extremely poor single mother who can either abandon her infant at an extremely crappy orphanage in order to better survive/thrive herself or struggle on while maintaining the reality and the psychological meaning attached to her maternity.

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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by classical_Liberal »

@suo
To do my best to answer your questions, I have written and deleted two responses already. They both got too deep, philosophical, frankly became bullshit.

I’m just gonna keep it simple and type of the top of my head tonight instead. I think achievement and purpose have different definitions. Achievement is something you, or some others, pat yourself/you on the back for, a job well done. Purpose is much deeper and more ambiguous. This requires a different set of principles for description.

Achievement is easy. I never felt a sense of achievement writing a check to the cleaning company. I do feel a sense of achievement cleaning my own home. I never felt a sense of achievement waiting in a chair and then paying $$$ for some random person to cut my hair or fix my car. I do feel a sense of achievement when I do it myself. When time was at a premium over money, I spent money and felt nothing but annoyance. When money is at a higher premium than time (in an average week), I feel a great sense of accomplishment getting the same things done, but doing them myself. Getting better at it each time I do.

Then there is also the “Bucket list” aspect of achievement. Go to the mountains in Nepal, write a book, bench press more than your body weight, ride 80 miles in one day, learn X,Y or Z.

I will repeat achievement is easy. Bucket lists only get longer the more you time you have, daily activities remain fulfilling when you do them yourself rather than pay someone else.

Purpose is different though. I’m not sure it’s different pre or post FI. Mainly because anyone who can even dream of FI already has the base of the Maslowian (did I just make up a word?) pyramid covered.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and make up some guesstimates for numbers that have probably never been counted. 75% or more of humanity find purpose in either religion or family. I’m agnostic, and I don’t have a family of my own. Neither will change. Religion will never convert me (short of a divine event), and I’m too old to start a family. Such is life, and each path denied was one taken with open eyes. I mean, I can technically still have a kid in my late 40’s (or 50’s). That would be akin to those assholes who are lonely and get a dog that they keep in a cage at home for 12 hours a day while they live their life, but 1000X worse because humans have so much more potential than domesticated animals.

Of the remaining minority, “causes” or “careers” of some sort are probably the leading contenders for purpose. Maybe I’m cynical, but most people I know who take up these as purpose are not too happy. That’s not to say those who take up family or religions always are. Just that they seem more likely to be happy than the other group in my experience. It’s because they are all a bunch of little league players who dream of playing in MLB, for those who make it, it’s awesome, but 99.9% don’t. There are also some who just love the game and are content with ending up on an adult softball team, they seem to stay content.

Purpose is hard. It’s harder the less constraints present in life, and even harder when you have unlimited time to contemplate it.

My favorite philosopher Camus
In a world whose absurdity appears to be so impenetrable, we simply must reach a greater degree of understanding among men, a greater sincerity. We must achieve this or perish. To do so, certain conditions must be fulfilled: men must be frank (falsehood confuses things), free (communication is impossible with slaves). Finally, they must feel a certain justice around them.

classical_Liberal
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by classical_Liberal »

@7WB5 Thanks for the explanation
7Wannabe5 wrote:
Sat Oct 22, 2022 9:12 am
However, consider the situation of an extremely poor single mother who can either abandon her infant at an extremely crappy orphanage in order to better survive/thrive herself or struggle on while maintaining the reality and the psychological meaning attached to her maternity.
For this person money is likely the constraint. If she psychologically wants to care for here child maternally, but feels she cannot, someone with $$ hires a nanny to help, doesn't do an orphanage drop. Even someone without money, but with psycho-social support asks friends or family to help with the care (of her and the child). Maybe I don't understand your point?

suomalainen
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Control

Post by suomalainen »

If you've ever watched a slow motion of a rotating disc (in the one I watched, it was a CD placed on a grinder maybe), you'll see that at slower speeds, the disc looks pretty solid. As it spins up, it starts to wobble. The wobble is probably due to imperfections in density of the disc material or other things that cause imbalances, or maybe it's just like buckling when material is placed under tension. At even higher speeds, the thing shatters in an instant, and the pieces are flung far off. It's a pretty cool slow motion video. Here, I'll even be nice and link one.

I feel like life is like that. Perhaps the rotational velocity is akin to life stressors or complications, be they internal like mental health issues or external like violence or even just a deadline at work or screaming kids at home. We're all just CDs happily spinning away, playing the songs of our lives, until the speed gets cranked up and we start to wobble, maybe even shatter. I feel like there must be some sort of analogy between the control box on the motor and the control box of our lives. Like, perhaps we think we're the guy controlling the spin, but maybe we're just projecting ourselves into a position of control when in fact we have very little.

I've been thinking a lot lately about life and meaning and purpose and the very many paths that people take, the very many philosophies and religions people apply to The Big Questions, the very many (modern) stressors we face. And I keep coming back to a quote attributed to John Cage when asked why are we here?
No why. Just here.
It seems to fit nicely with my emerging confidence in what I'll call my belief in evolutionary psychology. We are what we are; we want what we want; and we do what we do; in each case because our genes make it so. Perhaps it is enough to simply "achieve" as opposed to "achieve for Meaning" as @cL seems to be internally debating. Perhaps that small dopamine hit we get from doing some small thing that is in accordance with our [social primate] instincts is all there is. Perhaps there's no need to try to shoehorn life into some grander scheme and to orient oneself to that grander scheme or, to fit the title here, to control oneself and one's environment so as to subject oneself and one's surroundings to that grander scheme.

Perhaps there are two ways to imagine Sisyphus happy. In one, Sisyphus is happy because he is doing what he was born or fated to do. He accepts his gods and their will and is in alignment with his gods, so he is happy, and he can easily see the benefits of his labors (like developing great strength, perseverance, patience) with his "feature" / "glass half full" mindset. Importantly, he never questions his task nor sees it as pointless. He is happy and never has reason to be otherwise.

In another, Sisyphus knows that what he is doing is Meaningless and Pointless, or perhaps he sees his fate for what it is - a punishment by jealous, malicious and infantile gods. But Sisyphus is wise - he knows and accepts that he is powerless to change his fate, and he further knows that the only power he has is how to orient himself internally to this given circumstance. Ergo, he chooses to embrace his toil and to avoid the angst that arises within him when he gives stage for the frightening distillation of current thoughts about his eternal, unchanging and unchangeable torture. Only when his mind's stage is open can he then fill it with thoughts of the benefits of his toils. He is happy and refuses to allow himself to think otherwise.

Perhaps ignorance is bliss, and perhaps also what lies on the other side of knowledge - wisdom?- is bliss as well, but it seems that this wisdom is a type of willful ignorance. I first had this thought in law school, when I was reading something about depression and/or positive psychology (and I was searching for Meaning ...) - "wait a minute. happiness is just a distraction from being depressed and depression is just a distraction from being happy?? What. The. Fuck." Cue crisis of faith.

Fast forward 20 years and these themes continue to swirl. Perhaps added to these ideas of ignorance and wisdom and present mindfulness is a nuance - that there are some (small number) of things that we can control, and there are (many) things we cannot control. As to the former, questioning (societal? cultural?) assumptions and applying ourselves to find alignment with our own personal meaning or values or goals could be beneficial and productive. As to the latter, applying a grand dose of willful ignorance of the injustice or unfairness or difficulty could be beneficial and productive. But perhaps it takes something beyond ignorance and knowledge and wisdom to be able to know when and in what doses each of those should be applied, strengthened or ignored. I shall call this: meta-wisdom.

classical_Liberal
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by classical_Liberal »

I found your post reminds me of a 1990's Bill Murray movie, Groundhog Day. It's not only Bill Murray funny, but it has a much deeper meaning if someone is looking for it. If you haven't seen it, or haven't watched it recently, give it a try.

At worst you'll be mildly entertained, at best you'll appreciate how deeply it considers all of these questions you ask. You may think I'm joking, but its more insightful than an average round with Neitzsche, if you are in the mindset to realize it.

suomalainen
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by suomalainen »

Have watched it many times. Even saw it in the theatre when it first came out in the early 90s. I just have these moments in life where I spiral about these deeper questions, where I'm unable to keep it ... "in the moment" is one way to put it, perhaps "superficial" is another way. For the most part, life is good. It's just sometimes this consciousness swings the other way, and its "dark side" cuts indiscriminately. Nasty little thing.

ertyu
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by ertyu »

suomalainen wrote:
Sun Nov 06, 2022 6:50 pm
Have watched it many times. Even saw it in the theatre when it first came out in the early 90s. I just have these moments in life where I spiral about these deeper questions, where I'm unable to keep it ... "in the moment" is one way to put it, perhaps "superficial" is another way. For the most part, life is good. It's just sometimes this consciousness swings the other way, and its "dark side" cuts indiscriminately. Nasty little thing.
because it came up on another post a couple of weeks ago -- do you have any experience with hallucinogenics? i personally don't, but im curious.

suomalainen
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by suomalainen »

No. I'd love to try various drugs if appropriately supervised. I've used oxycodone (awesome stuff) after my car accident and oxycontin (sucky stuff) after my vasectomy. Oxycodone made me feel really high, so I actually stopped before I finished my prescription. Oxycontin made me feel like I would stop breathing, so I stopped before I finished my prescription. I've smoked weed a few times. Once, I had a great trip where I had an awesome experience feeling outside of time. The rest of the times I either felt a little sick, a little high or a lotta nothing. I dunno. The risk is pretty high and the rewards are inconsistent, so I mostly stay away. But if I could try some at like a guided drug camp, that would be an interesting experience.

suomalainen
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2022 Year in Review

Post by suomalainen »

1) I've been interviewing for a new job. It's been two months so far and I've done six interviews with two more to go next week. If all goes well, it seems like it would provide a 20% pay increase for pretty much the exact same job I'm doing now. In addition to the pay increase, I think I am also a little bit looking forward to having to work with new people and to build new relationships. I feel perhaps a little bit "institutionalized", having been at my current employer and position for over 10 years. I realize the dual wisdom of "same shit, different office" and "the devil you know", but for a material pay raise, I guess my response to the question "do you bet on yourself?" is "yes".

2) I've only read some of the ERE2 threads and whatnot, and watched some videos, and it just sorta strikes me that it seems like some of these people are just in a normal progression of human development:
suomalainen wrote:
Sun Jul 03, 2022 8:14 am
It discusses the four phases of (a typical old-age) retirement:
1) Vacation - what is generally seen by pre-retirees as an ideal retirement - wake up when you want, do what you want, etc. Generally lasts about a year, until you get bored, miss a routine, and start to ask "Is this all there is?".
2) Feel loss and feel lost - you lose routine, sense of identity, relationships, sense of purpose, power - all things that are generally easily found at a job. Divorce, depression and decline are also very common in this phase.
3) Trial and error - search for meaning, how to contribute? You need to find something that gets you up in the morning again or you'll slip back into phase 2.
4) Reinvent and rewire - not everyone makes it here, but those that do find activities that provide meaning and a sense of accomplishment, that satisfy those five losses experienced in phase 2. This almost always involves service to others.
I dimly remember seeing something else once about career progression or grandparenting or something. It just seems that as people get older, they tend to want to find ways to build community, to give back. I don't really know where else this thought goes, so I'm putting it here.

3) This year seems to have been primarily about stress and meaning. I've been working on re-orienting myself towards my children so that I am not a stumbling block to our relationships' development as they age out of childhood into early adulthood. As recently said by my 16 year-old, "With mom, I feel like I can just ramble about stuff and she'll listen; with you, I don't feel like I can just ramble, because you'll turn it into some sort of life lesson moment." Hahaha. Jesus, I'm such a fucking dad.

4) Speaking of meaning, I found it helpful to reframe the question. The wrong way to think about it, which is how I've always thought of it, is to ask "What is the meaning of life?" Rather, one should ask, "What meaning can I find in life?"
Meaning in life is defined as the broader umbrella term that includes purpose. So, meaning in life is based on feelings of significance and mattering about one's life, being able to make sense of and comprehend one's life, and having purpose. Purpose is defined as the identification and pursuit of one or more highly important, overarching aims or very long-term goals that helps organize life choices and actions.
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Meaning OF life is about huge questions, the answers to which we must take on faith or inference. Meaning IN life is about what makes our own, personal lives worth living. It is answerable, it is livable, it can help us find solutions to problems we face now, and it expresses what we imagine we can do in our own lifetimes. Whether or not there is any meaning OF life, we can always strive to create meaning IN our lives.
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Finding meaning and purpose in a meaningless universe is a grave challenge... to philosophy. But not to the rest of us! Meaning IN life is a psychological experience, and it does not require any particular belief in life's inherent purpose or meaning.
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For my life to be meaningful, I just need to feel that my own life is inherently worth something, not the whole universe. I just need to understand enough of the world around me to have a little predictability and consistency and to find some personal niche - I don't have to understand the universe. I just have to find some goal or dream to commit myself to, not define to what end the universe is working.

From Q&A with Michael Steger
I like that. Rather than wallowing in un-answerable (other than via assumption or "faith") questions, it simply discards them and refocuses the mind on the answerable, practical, within-my-control question of what matters to me, what do I find interesting, what do I want to organize my life choices and actions around?

5) I've been mildly interested in the gut microbiome for about a decade now. Mildly, because I haven't really pursued it - I've just said "Oh that's interesting" when I've come across some new article. Recently, however, I've started to become more actively interested. There was a recent study done comparing a high-fiber diet vs a fermented food diet, with the goal being to see which diet impacted certain immune system markers more. The high-fiber diet was more varied in response - those with more varied gut microbiomes had better responses than those with less varied microbiomes. However, the fermented food diet had a great response across the board. It seems that diverse microbiomes result in positive health effects and that eating fermented foods can increase your diversity. Some links below, but my takeaway was to increase my fermented food intake (kimchi, sauerkraut, kombucha) to a serving or two per day. Obviously subject to placebo effect and confirmation bias, but I do feel an improvement in my mood over the last couple of weeks while doing this.

Also, Dr. Sonnenburg suggests that it's not the volume of plants, but the diversity that matters, and he suggested reaching for 30 different plant species in a week. I thought it sounded like a fun project, so I started keeping track of my plant intake. At the end of week one, I managed 47 different species from various lettuces to roasted veggies to various nuts and seeds to berries to legumes and grains to fruits and dried fruits to herbs.

https://www.cell.com/cell/pdf/S0092-8674(21)00754-6.pdf

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouCWNRvPk20

6) Having peaked in the high 240's, I started counting calories to lose weight. I had previously been more focused on getting my steps in, etc., to try to work the weight off, but given
suomalainen wrote:
Thu Jan 05, 2023 3:12 pm
I found in interesting that basically you can't impact the "calories out" part of the equation over the long term. The body just adjusts its functioning to make room for exercising. Exercising, of course, has important health benefits; it just doesn't do anything directly for weight loss.

As to the "calories in" part of the equation - it seems that the psychology of the diet is more important than the composition of the diet. In other words, you have to be able to stick to it.
I decided it was time to face the music that my diet sucks and to finally do something about it. I'm tired of being "fit-fat". I would prefer to just be "fit".

7) I looked at my annual expenditures and they are quite high. Delete out the bigger-ticket stuff I do for my kids, the travel I undergo, and living in a high-cost area, and my annual living expenses are around $20k - $24k with basically no thought given to reducing expenses. I already have the assets to support that at a 4% withdrawal rate, and there would be plenty of opportunity to reduce expenses. So my working full-time for the next five years does two things - (i) it supports my ex and my children through their high-school years and gives them a little 529 kitty with which to start their next phase, and (ii) it allows me to save additional monies for my own retirement.

At the end of those five years, I'll be facing one-more-year-syndrome. Each year, I'll be able to decide whether to continue working full-time so that I can save more money for myself, or have more money to support my kids, or just generally make decisions based on whatever life and societal circumstances happen to be at the time. Although it's not the fully-retired life that I would have fantasized for myself had I made better decisions in my 20s, I am building a meaningful, purposeful life for myself, and it feels good.

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