M's Journal

Where are you and where are you going?
sky
Posts: 1726
Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2011 2:20 am

Re: M's Journal

Post by sky »

M wrote:
Fri Sep 09, 2022 8:07 pm

The salad is:
-Mixed greens
-Kidney beans
-Shredded carrots
-Mushrooms
-Green peas
-Grape Tomatoes
-Diced tomatoes
-Watermelon
-Guac
-Cantaloupe
-Mixed berries
-Grapes
-Vinaigrette dressing
Your salad seems to be missing brassicas. Kale, cabbage, broccoli and the like are very healthy and nutritionally better than lettuce, although some lettuce might have a different mix of vitamins.

You could probably get similar results by mixing a bowl of cole slaw with a can of beans, and eating fresh fruit along with it. You would gain the cruciferous cabbage, but miss the mushrooms. Maybe chop a mushroom and add it into the cole slaw/bean mix.

M
Posts: 423
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

sky wrote:
Sat Sep 10, 2022 8:26 pm
Your salad seems to be missing brassicas. Kale, cabbage, broccoli and the like are very healthy and nutritionally better than lettuce, although some lettuce might have a different mix of vitamins.

You could probably get similar results by mixing a bowl of cole slaw with a can of beans, and eating fresh fruit along with it. You would gain the cruciferous cabbage, but miss the mushrooms. Maybe chop a mushroom and add it into the cole slaw/bean mix.
This is a good point. It is a spring mix that includes several dark leafy greens, but I'm not sure if it includes kale...I will check this next time I am there. I know regular iceberg lettuce is basically water.

I should probably add broccoli as well. I don't really like cabbage or Cole slaw though. There are limits to my healthy eating habits. :lol:

MBBboy
Posts: 212
Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2022 12:11 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by MBBboy »

I was a high level athlete growing up and my crew and I also demolished everything edible in sight. There was a set of twin boys I hung out with a lot, and their mom eventually resorted to a separate mini-fridge that we understood was 100% off limits. Labeling in the fridge wasn't effective because......14 year old boys.

Maybe pick up a used one for cheap and stick it in your office?

M
Posts: 423
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

MBBboy wrote:
Sun Sep 11, 2022 9:15 am
I was a high level athlete growing up and my crew and I also demolished everything edible in sight. There was a set of twin boys I hung out with a lot, and their mom eventually resorted to a separate mini-fridge that we understood was 100% off limits. Labeling in the fridge wasn't effective because......14 year old boys.

Maybe pick up a used one for cheap and stick it in your office?
Oh...that is a good idea. I have four kids who eat everything in sight but they are good kids and if I said, say, don't eat anything in this fridge they would respect that. I would probably buy another full size fridge/freezer and put it in the garage since our normal fridge/freezer is always overflowing. We also have a chest freezer.

I checked the spring mix at the store and, sure enough no kale. I did add broccoli to the salad this time.

I tried making the salads at home before and the hardest things to keep in stock are the watermelon and guac. I would be willing to swap out the watermelon for canteloupe. I wonder how long cantaloupe stays good on a shelf. The store does sell premade guac as well which I could buy instead of making it myself.

A lot of the ingredients we keep stocked at home...blueberries, strawberries, mushrooms, tomatoes, cucumbers and kidney beans we always have on hand. Hmmm...

suomalainen
Posts: 979
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by suomalainen »

Seems like instead of going to the salad bar every day, you could go to the store every 3 days to pick up just your salad ingredients. The once a week or once a fortnight shopping trip is uniquely American, and kinda gross if you think about it.

Bonde
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Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:21 am

Re: M's Journal

Post by Bonde »

M wrote:
Sat Sep 10, 2022 8:56 am
I have thought about talking to a psychiatrist and seeing if I should be taking medication or not. Honestly though, despite the mental issues I have been functional just fine. I have consistently held down a job for over twenty years, went to community college while working, completely renovated some houses and was a landlord for a while. I have never been fired, saved over a million dollars, and have also been raising four kids. After a while you learn when you should push through the pain and low energy levels and when you should lay down and rest. You also learn to always accept everything the way it is mentally while working to improve things.
I think this is key. You clearly have a high degree of functioning and if your sense/feeling of disability is low then your motivation for change is likely also low and that will influence any therapy that you engage. And if you feel fine and have found ways to deal with your "symptoms" I totally understand if you don't want to spend time on this.
But if you decide to get help, I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist first to get a thorough diagnostic assessment. From what you write, It is not clear to me that you have an affective disorder. It could be something else. If the diagnosis is not right, you could end up spending a lot of time on therapy that do nothing for you.

Scott 2
Posts: 2824
Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2012 10:34 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by Scott 2 »

M wrote:
Sat Sep 10, 2022 12:48 pm
the kids eat up all the salad ingredients
I don't have kids, so maybe I'm missing something, but isn't this a win? I wish I'd started eating avocados and kidney beans as a child.

M
Posts: 423
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

Scott 2 wrote:
Sun Sep 11, 2022 8:30 pm
I don't have kids, so maybe I'm missing something, but isn't this a win? I wish I'd started eating avocados and kidney beans as a child.
Oh - haha - true. This is a win. Perhaps the solution is to go to the store more often, as suoma says.

M
Posts: 423
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

Bonde wrote:
Sun Sep 11, 2022 2:42 pm
From what you write, It is not clear to me that you have an affective disorder. It could be something else. If the diagnosis is not right, you could end up spending a lot of time on therapy that do nothing for you.
I have been functional and 'successful' at family career and finance...but my internal state seems different from most.

Many people seem to go through life smiling, laughing, crying, getting attached to things and people, etc. My day to day experience is generally of emotional numbness. I simply don't experience emotions often, or at all. It is like that part of my brain is dead. I can best describe it as a constant state of sadness and low energy levels combined with a low level mental pain. I am very sensitive to sounds, stress, sugar, caffeine, conflict with others and processed 'junk' food. A simple argument might wipe me out for days where I have hardly any energy to do anything, can't think, can't remember simple things, just lay in bed all day because I don't have the energy to get up, etc. Simply breathing in second hand smoke once will give me a headache.

Some days, I will have feelings. The strongest feelings are sadness. I will break down crying uncontrollably with an overwhelming sense of loss. Other days I have moments that I feel happiness. Where the world seems fine and I look out and see the natural beauty of things. I have trouble sleeping at night and have always been a light sleeper. Some days I will go to sleep for 3-4 hours and wake up and not get back to sleep.

If I experience stress I may not sleep at all. My last company had toxic management. I endured for several years because the money seemed good at the time. Eventually it became too stressful and I did not sleep for 3-4 days straight. After the 4th day of not sleeping I started to think that job might literally kill me and resigned. This is why I save the money - to avoid these bad work environments.

I have a hyper sexuality. When I was younger I would often have an erection from waking up until noon. Even talking to a girl, or looking at a girl would cause sexual fantasies to flash through my mind and I have a constant urge to have sex with most girls I see. I may go to the grocery store and see a girl and immediately get an erection and will have sexual fantasies of her.

Of course I would never act on these urges but I do wonder if it is common for other guys to also have the constant urge to have sex with every girl they see and we are all just hiding this urge...or for that matter if it is common for girls to have the constant urge to have sex with every guy they see. I married a girl who is also hyper sexual and constantly desires sex so we had sex 4-5 times a day for years. I'm not even sure which of us is more hyper sexual because she constantly wants it to the point of hunting me down if I don't have sex with her for a day.

It is odd how my hyper sexuality contrasts with my emotional numbness...I can fall in love with a girl though and I have discovered it is better to have sex with a girl you are in love with who also highly desires sex. Having sex with a random girl you are not in love with also or who does not have that much sexual energy or who is faking it isn't that enjoyable at all...in my experience. I am kind of obsessed with sex but I have no ability to have sex with a girl who doesn't also deeply crave and want me to have sex with her. Ergo I eventually just found one hyper sexual girl who is great in bed and stayed with her.

I'm not sure if I actually have an affective disorder or not. Some doctors have said I am simply hyper aware and hyper sensitive to things, people, food, etc. If I have no stress, follow a routine, eat right and meditate I can live a pretty normal day to day life from the outside looking in. But internally I experience very little happiness in my day to day life. Also, If one thing gets messed up I don't sleep well for days, have low energy, low mood, and have some trouble thinking and focusing during that time. If I eat a single deep fried onion, for example, I may be mentally sick for the next 2-3 days.

I am deeply introspective and very aware of my thoughts and feelings and general state and what I ate and how I slept for the last day or two, which all seem to play into how I currently feel. My goal is to simply experience more happiness and energy in my day to day existence of life.

I have a sort of existential depression as well - a sort of existential dread. A constant feeling like - we are all going to die someday and life doesn't have any inherit meaning at all what is the point sort of thing. Sometimes I will have a happy experience and then think - I will die some day, all of these people that I had this experience with will die someday, the earth will be consumed by the sun someday and the only known intelligent life in the universe will die out. What is the point of all of this life we are living?

Then I try to forger about this thought and go back to my day to day experience of life...I have never been able to really shake this thought though. It is kind of like my shadow - it is always there, in the background, but I don't really notice unless I accidentally look at it.

M
Posts: 423
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

I've been searching for a better way to describe my symptoms since I'm not sure if it's depression myself even.

It is like - I have these episodes of extreme debilitating sadness, combined with hardly any energy, brain fog, an inability to focus or remember things, can only sleep 4 hours instead of 8, and I feel like a whole body stress and have a constant mild headache.

These episodes last about 2-3 days then I go back to normal typically. They seem to be triggered by - a number of things. Stress especially, certain processed foods, and - ironically - not sleeping well seem to be the main triggers. Fasting seems to help the episodes subside faster.

I did not used to have this - especially the low energy levels. I got covid a few months again and ever since then these episodes have been more frequent and intense.

Lately I have been focusing on trying to activate the parasympathetic nervous system more by deep breathing, meditation, and trying to relax more during the day. This seems to help alleviate the symptoms and help me sleep better.

I have talked to my doctor about the issues and after doing some blood tests, thyroid tests, etc he says I am simply extremely aware of what is going on inside my mind and body and that it's common for people to periodically feel like garbage, basically.

Bonde
Posts: 70
Joined: Mon May 31, 2021 5:21 am

Re: M's Journal

Post by Bonde »

M wrote:
Wed Sep 14, 2022 2:43 pm
I've been searching for a better way to describe my symptoms since I'm not sure if it's depression myself even.
It would most likely be classified as "nothing" due to your high level of functioning. Some of it could be some kind of post-viral fatigue due to COVID. I know many people that have experienced it and it is not unlikely that it shows different in different people. With your genetic background it is probable that you react to different to stressors.
A good way to distinguish symptoms is to think of trait vs. state. Trait symptoms are stable for many years if not since teenage. It could e.g. be negative symptoms for schizophrenia. You could have inherited some negative symptoms e.g. lack of feeling emotions from your mother. Or it could be symptoms for a personality disorder which would not be unusual with your upbringing but as I understand you don't have severe interpersonal problems. State symptoms fluctuates. Depressive symptoms last weeks or months but rarely years.
Even if it is difficult to diagnose precisely it is important to know the ballpark. Is it very light symptoms of schizophrenia, trauma-induced or depressive-like. That would be important for a therapist to know and it could benefit you even though that your problems do not qualify for a diagnosis. I am pretty sure that I don't have a diagnosis but still look forward to having therapy as part of my training because it would likely increase my understanding of myself and help me deal with some bad habits/patterns.

ertyu
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Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: M's Journal

Post by ertyu »

I once heart it put like this: "you can benefit from therapy if you've ever had to depend on imperfect human beings or grow up in a culture" :lol: which I think is pretty bang-on :lol:

ffj
Posts: 376
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 8:57 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by ffj »

@M

No doctor here, but can we conclude you have repressed your memories and feelings due to childhood trauma?

The fact that you are showing feelings now, even though not in the most controlled ways, at least shows that you aren't sociopathic, which is good. Is there a way to bring these feelings to the forefront in a healthy way so that you can feel normal?

Your story reminds me of a documentary I watched called " I just killed my Dad" on Netflix. This poor kid was abused his whole life and showed zero emotion even after he shot his father to death. By the end of the movie, with proper mental care he becomes human again which was very powerful as his defense mechanisms made him look like a monster. He was just trying to survive.

I don't ultimately have any answers for you other than to encourage you to keep exploring what makes you healthy. Good luck.

M
Posts: 423
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

@ffj - haha - no - not sociopathic. I think my feelings, like my childhood memories, are mostly repressed. They are there though - I sometimes experience fear, anger, love, jealousy, and even happiness at times. I just don't experience them often.

I have been happy most of today actually and felt pretty normal. Sometimes I have good days. This is what I'm trying to increase.

My best friend from high school joined the military and then got booted out for a number of things that eventually led up to a psychiatric evaluation and being diagnosed with sociopathic personality disorder. He says it is the psychopaths you have to watch out for, not the sociopaths. :lol:

I never would have guessed. He was always very charismatic, always smiling. He never seemed to express anything but happiness, even in horrible situations. That was probably the only real clue. He claims to experience no form of love or attachment to anyone, no empathy, no fear or anger or guilt. I don't think he is lying either since I've know him for 25 years and never once saw him express any feelings outside of happiness.

In retrospect this is probably why we got along so well when we were younger. All of my feelings were deeply repressed and he doesn't have feelings.

I made a salad at home today. Well - technically my wife made the salad. She exactly replicated salad from salad place. I think the key was having the watermelon and grapes and different guac and sweet dressing on home salad. I found a new guac at store that is chunky and much more like guac from salad place. My wife makes salads everyday for herself anyway so this doesn't change her routine much. Her salads have slightly different ingredients that she makes for herself.

On marginal costs - the heaviest thing on my salad is usually the watermelon. Salad place sells this for $12/lb. Store sells big watermelon for $7.00 dollars. Conservatively the big melon has 15 lbs of 'flesh' in it, so around $0.50 /lb. The grapes were $5 dollars for about 5 days worth of grapes. I switched to spinach instead of mixed greens, which was 4 dollars for huge bag. I'm too lazy to do all the math, but I assume I'm saving money. I will check store receipts after a couple weeks to verify.

The new challenge is trying to fit all my salad stuff, and wife's salad stuff, and kids stuff, all in fridge together.

shaz
Posts: 420
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Location: Colorado, US

Re: M's Journal

Post by shaz »

A lot of produce doesn't need to go in the fridge if you eat it within a few days. Rinsing things like berries and grapes in a solution of vinegar + water helps them keep longer unrefrigerated.

M
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Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

shaz wrote:
Fri Sep 16, 2022 10:47 pm
A lot of produce doesn't need to go in the fridge if you eat it within a few days. Rinsing things like berries and grapes in a solution of vinegar + water helps them keep longer unrefrigerated.
So...my wife likes to hoard food. Welcome to my world. This isn't really a technical problem more of a social problem. :lol:

Most likely we will simply go to store more often. Store is same distance as salad place so we are still saving gas money.

I have been making salads at home for a few days now. I'm too lazy to calculate the money savings but the time savings have been more appreciated than I expected. I have noticed I am more likely to take walks now. Not driving anywhere for days at a time is nice also. I know driving very mildly stresses me out. It's the kind of thing I don't notice that it stresses me out until I stop doing it. I wonder how many other things are very mildly stressing me out that I should stop doing.

I have felt good for the past few days. No recurring episodes of depression, or whatever it is.

With making salads at home I have also switched protein shakes to my usual at home plant based protein, instead of the whey protein shakes I was buying at the store. It is plant based orgain organic protein powder, if anyone is interested.

I have also cut back on the fish oil...still not sure how needed it really is. I still take multivitamin and magnesium daily. If I stop taking those two things I subjectively feel different. I take the fish oil to help balance omega 6 to omega 3 ratios, because if these are unbalanced it leads to inflammation which is one cause of depression. Or so I have read in a few nutrition books now.

I have also focused on destressing in general and journaling here. I have never in my life maintained any sort of journal as long as this one in these forums. There is a certain calming effect from talking about the things that bother you, even if audience is anonymous people on internet (no offense, the people on this forum are awesome). If anything it saves money on therapy hahahaha.

Western Red Cedar
Posts: 1205
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 2:15 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by Western Red Cedar »

i've gone back and forth on fish oil supplements over the last year. It seems like they don't necessarily source the best quality oils for many supplements. I plan on finishing the current bottle I have and increasing my intake of chia seeds (great in a protein shake if that is part of your routine). I think you can probably get adequate Omega 3s and 6s through things like chia, walnuts, and flax seeds if you make an effort to incorporate those into your diet.

I think focusing on a healthy diet (however you define that) and getting adequate rest is a good first step toward addressing mental health. Time out in nature also really helps.

zbigi
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Joined: Fri Oct 30, 2020 2:04 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by zbigi »

M wrote:
Mon Sep 19, 2022 4:35 pm

I have been making salads at home for a few days now. I'm too lazy to calculate the money savings but the time savings have been more appreciated than I expected. I have noticed I am more likely to take walks now. Not driving anywhere for days at a time is nice also. I know driving very mildly stresses me out. It's the kind of thing I don't notice that it stresses me out until I stop doing it. I wonder how many other things are very mildly stressing me out that I should stop doing.
I don't mind driving that much, but only if I also get to do my daily 90 minute walk. In practice, when working full-time, the drive to wherever you need to be that day consumes the walking time slot, and it becomes an either/or proposition. That's why I try to organize my life around walking as much as possible (e.g. three trips on foot to the store instead of one by car), esp. when working.

sky
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Joined: Tue Jan 04, 2011 2:20 am

Re: M's Journal

Post by sky »

Are you following any specific diet?

M
Posts: 423
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

sky wrote:
Tue Sep 20, 2022 8:51 am
Are you following any specific diet?
Well - I'm not dieting per se. I weigh 150 lbs and am 5' 10" male. I have never been overweight.

I have read many books on various diets over the years and tried many things. My current diet is best described here:

https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritions ... ing-plate/

I drink water....but I do eat more sugary snacks than I should. Today I had two pieces of pumpkin pie. I don't eat pumpkin pie often - this is the first time I have had it all year. Yesterday I had two cookies. It has been hard to give up eating things with added sugar.

I eat meat occasionally. It averages once a week, almost always fish or chicken. I might eat eggs once a year...nothing against eggs, I just don't like them much.

I only eat red meat or deep friend food maybe twice a year or so. Usually at some sort of party where it's like - all they have are cheeseburgers and French fries. So I either eat that or I starve. Sometimes just doing this will trigger a depressive episode for the next 2-3 days.

I have cut out sugar before but then my weight started going down and I wonder how skinny is too skinny. I felt great, but wasn't sure if I was getting enough calories. I might try this again someday. If my weight dropped under 140 lbs though I would stop.

I have also gone back and forth on eggs. Really I should probably cut out sugar and add either eggs or more whole grains - something that is a good calorie source. I can eat two pounds of fruit and vegetables everyday and still not get enough calories to sustain myself.

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