November 2020
Not quite as good a month as the last few, but not so bad either. I had to spend some money on the doctor, charity, and groceries. I also have been working on the house again but that time and money is a good investment.
Both the house and the stock market are up by leaps and bounds. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop (covid, dysfunctional politics, etc.) and the economy to go into the tank but it hasn't. I feel like I sort of understand why it doesn't (I attribute it to people in the US collectively believing the stock and housing markets are strong) but the fundamentals are iffy in my opinion (not that I know anything but I am a skeptic due to my personality and living through 2008).
I've been having negative thoughts and feelings a lot over the last couple of years that I just want to throw out into the universe, not sure I want to talk about it in detail but it feels like it might help to say it "out loud." It is also good practice for me to practice sharing how I really feel. Don't worry, I haven't given up and I'm working on this stuff, though I'm doing it alone. I don't know that I really need a therapist so much as a life coach. I feel good when I am improving things or I get where I want to go, though some of this stuff is unsolvable so maybe a therapist could help with those issues though in the past they have only been somewhat helpful.
- I am unhappy with how big picture, life things have turned out for me and as a result chronically depressed.
- My life feels like it is in limbo and has for many years, not just because of covid.
- I have mostly wasted the last 10 - 15 years. It wouldn't have been that hard to do the things I wanted to do but I just never made the necessary moves.
- For a thousand different reasons things have not totally clicked with my partner. It still feels like we are two people not a team. It's at least 50% my fault but it isn't what I hoped for.
- I have focused too much on the day to day without spending enough time pushing toward the big picture. Sometimes because I didn't understand what the big picture was, often because I let other people derail me or because I derailed myself for them even when they weren't asking me to, sometimes because I didn't try hard enough, sometimes because I didn't focus on one thing at a time, sometimes because I focused too much on doing a good job with the day to day issues instead of working on the big picture, sometimes because I spent too much time and energy saving pennies instead of pulling in more dollars, sometimes because I did try to make moves and they didn't work.
- When I have taken smart risks they almost always have gone well (maybe because they weren't really very risky) but I am very risk averse anyway.
- I feel like I used to have some dreams and I'm too old now to make them happen or they don't have the same appeal any more or they are still blocked by others. I'm not sure what to do next, and even if I knew there are too many barriers now to realistically do most of the things I am interested in.
- It's been many years since I've had a moment where I felt right with the world and excited about that moment and happy to be alive. Things that should feel fun or exciting, even really big events, feel like nothing.
- My parents are getting older. It hasn't happened yet but they are probably going to start needing more help in the next five years and one of them is tough to work with.
- I have no friends. It feels like people at my age have completely moved on from hanging out or otherwise getting together (not just due to covid). I've tried some things but it hasn't worked.
- Even minor chronic injury and pain will grind a person down.
- The life I've chosen based in part on the philosophy of these forums has worked wonders in some ways (I have a half million dollars, holy shit, and have a lot of self sufficiency, can DIY anything) but has been a negative in others (avoiding spending money sometimes makes problems when you don't adjust your lifestyle and instead are just being cheap. For example, owning a junky car instead of having no car, wearing worn out shoes too long, etc.).
Try not to quote the above in case I want to take it down. Thanks.
Expenses
Alcohol & Bars 38.05
Auto Insurance 9.14
Bills & Utilities 93.53
Business Services 33.98
Charity 56
Doctor 137.4
Fast Food 13.96
Gas & Fuel 24.29
Gift 60
Groceries 319.19
Gym 46.95
Home Improvement 113.5 (Working on the house again)
Internet 27.5
Mortgage & Rent 790.73
Office Supplies 9.91
Restaurants 14.09
Taxes 200 (monthly property taxes)
Total -FI 1988.19
Income
Paycheck 2590.82
Amazon 14.17
Checking 9.53
457b 1500
Total +FI 4114.52
Savings 2126.33
Savings wo 457b 626.33
% Spent 48.3%
% Saved 51.7%
SWR 6.1%
SWR with Internet Income 6.1%
Years Remaining 4.4
Years Remaining with Interest 3
By three methods we may learn wisdom:
First, by reflection, which is noblest;
Second, by imitation, which is easiest;
and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
Confucius