Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg (Discussion + Book Club Meeting)

[mathiverse]

A number of EREfest attendees were interested in having a book club meeting on "Nonviolent Communication." Any forum member is welcome to attend. I will provide information about how to join the video call closer to the date, please PM me if you want to be notified of this information when the time comes. If you attend, please read the book to get the most out of the discussion.

The date: November 19, 2023
The time: 10 am Eastern, 7 am Pacific
Video call link: PM me to be notified!

While we can let the conversation go anywhere on the call, I wrote up a few discussion questions in case we need some direction. Folks can also feel free to begin the discussion on the forum.

1. How would you describe NVC? What is its purpose? What is its essence?
2. Why were you interested in reading this book?
3. How does NVC compare to your typical manner of dealing with conflict?
4. Have you had any challenges or failures when attempting to implement NVC in your life?
5. Have these techniques been effective in your relationships?
6. Are there any examples of situations where you now use NVC techniques as your go to? What were you doing before? What differences have you noticed?
7. Can you think of any situations where NVC wouldn't be the right tool to use?
8. Are there prerequisites for any person who would like to use NVC?
9. Are there prerequisites for any relationship within which you want to use NVC tools?
10. What is the most useful tool among those presented? Why?
11. To what extent were you using NVC techniques before reading this book?

Additional questions, observations, thoughts, etc beyond the scope of these questions are welcome!

[Crusader]

I am one of those people that were were interested in this book

I would be interested in people giving specific examples of how this helped them in their life (although I imagine the book would have those once I read it...). Also maybe doing some brainstorming about how to apply NVC with difficult situations from our own life.

I am motivated by having a difficult relationship with my mother, as well as wanting to improve myself as a people's manager and communicator.

[delay]

Non-violent communication is fantastic! I learned about it from this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7TONauJGfc

Whenever I find myself having difficulty sending an email, I fall back to the NVC recipe:

1. observation
2. feeling
3. need
4. request

[dustBowl]

NVC came up a few months back in the Plotkin MMG because Plotkin recommends NVC practices as a way of cultivating your north facet. I ended up reading part of the book back then but it got lost in the shuffle of moving and I dropped it. This gives me a good reason to pick it back up.

I'll finish it in time for the book club and will definitely attend.

[black_son_of_gray]

FYI - Just checked my library. The book is pretty popular (Bay Area, CA) and has a fairly deep wait-list to get a physical copy. (I was able to instantly download the audiobook through Hoopla, though). YMMV.

[OutOfTheBlue]

Nice! I too am interested and plan to attend and participate. I read Marchall Rosenberg's book a few months ago in the context of the Plotkin MMG, but am looking for ways to further integrate and apply its principles in a way that feels natural and not stilted.

There's a Wild Mind guide who's also an NVC practitioner, and I've been particularly inspired by his blend of NVC and Plotkin. While NVC can be seen as a north skill, he has mapped the four components of the NVC wheel to all four facets of the Self: observation (east), feeling (south), need (west) and request (north). He's also linked these with Jung's four functions of consciousness (also used in MBTI) and Gallegos/Plotkin's four windows of knowing: observation (sensing), feeling (feeling), need (intuiting/imagining), request (thinking).

I understand NVC can be used for showing empathy verbally or not verbally (connecting with what's alive in you), self-expression (connecting with what's alive in me) and/or self-empathy (opening my heart to what's alive in you or me).

One challenge for me has been to connect with my own feelings/emotions as this is central to the process (and also the self-empathy part). It is something I am tackling first so I was planning to revisit NVC later, but this gives an incentive to put it higher on the list!

Any other Rosenberg's or NVC books that you've found useful?

[ertyu]

To the questions, I'd add, what was the most surprising thing you learned? (surprising either bc contradicted previous preconceived notions or bc it was sthing that you never realized or considered before)

Was there something you found hard to accept? Why? What preexisting beliefs/notions did it contradict?

Is there a part of you that resists applying these techniques? Which part is it (could be Plotkinified if you feel the need to Plotkinify your inner parts). What makes it resist?

[berrytwo]

@OutoftheBlue here is another book that I am reading in my nvc group! Thom Bond's "The Compassion Book" I have only read a bit of it, and it goes over many of the same ideas and concepts of Rosenberg's book, but I've enjoyed it so far.

@mathiverse Thank you so much for organizing!!!!

Really looking forward to talking about it with y'all.

[NewBlood]

I am interested. I'm not sure I can commit to the call, but am very interested in any discussion in the thread.
This is very timely for me. I have been living at my parents' for the last 3 weeks (only a few more days to go), and man, is it bringing back bad old patterns. I have decided that one week is enough, 2 max, in the future. Never again longer if I can avoid it.

I just got the book and read the first 3 chapters. My dad hits every single mode of alienating communications every single day, yay...
I want to read through the whole book and see if I can learn some techniques to deal with my parents. If it feels useful, I might buy the book for each of them as well...

[mathiverse]

I want to read through the whole book and see if I can learn some techniques to deal with my parents.

I'm very interested in whether you can change your pattern with your parents. The authors stories about how he handled hecklers at workshops may help!

[NewBlood]

I'm very interested in whether you can change your pattern with your parents. The authors stories about how he handled hecklers at workshops may help!

I will do my best to report back

[jacob]

If it feels useful, I might buy the book for each of them as well...

Handing someone a book in order to change their ways is pretty aggressive ...

Books rarely convince those who aren't ready for the message (Overton).

[Henry]

I'm ok with accepting reading suggestions from the few people I have deep dive conversations on specific topics with. Otherwise, forget it. If someone handed me this book or suggested I join their reading group, I would tell them to shove it up Ghandi's asshole.

[NewBlood]

Handing someone a book in order to change their ways is pretty aggressive ...

Books rarely convince those who aren't ready for the message (Overton).

How would you go about it then? they've never had those tools and are unlikely to stumble upon them on their own.

[jacob]

How would you go about it then? they've never had those tools and are unlikely to stumble upon them on their own.

When it comes to irrational behavior, it's a process, not a solution. Show, don't tell. It will likely take many years to change anything and it may never happen. Lead by example, but leave before it makes you bitter.

[AxelHeyst]

In addition to 'show don't tell' and lots of patience of the journey, I've found good results with compassionate and engaged curiosity, manifested as gentle and genuine questions. I don't mean to run a Socratic line of questions designed to trap them in a logical or emotional dead end.

Do. Not. Trap. People. Do not walk them into a room that forces them to either blow up or accept the truth that they've been emotionally mistreating all of their loved ones. They'll blow up and resent you for forcing them to that place.

*Genuinely* curious questions. Why are your loved ones like that? What factors contributed to the tools they have? What is their experience of reality like? Was it hard? I bet it was hard. Steelman your guesses about the circumstances in which your loved ones learned how to relate to people. Spend an hour in a quiet place by yourself visualizing what it was like to grow up. Forget any concept of winning. Learn to intuit when it's an okay time to ask these questions and when it isn't. Learn to let go. Learn to lose. The most 'progress' I made with my parents came after I gave up.

At some point in this process, it might come up that you've gotten some insight from a book. They might ask about the book. You could tell them about it if it comes up like that. This works well in my family because we're all constantly reading books and talking about them, so ymmv.

[OutOfTheBlue]

I think Rosenberg warns about going through the "obnoxious stage" when applying NVC.

There are also viguettes of how to defuse situations or probe from a place of genuine listening and compassion (the point is not to win the argument !) to look what's behind evaluations and judgements, and connect with (your and) the other's feelings and needs. Getting to the bottom of what the other (in this case your parent) truly wants to say/express and really hearing that (feeling heard is a huge need and already leads to defusion). Learning to stay at the compassionate level without taking it personally (although you stay also aware of and self-compassionate toward your own feelings) or getting too triggered.

Some notes for the NVC components :

1. Observations
2. Feelings
3. Needs
4. Requests

(1) Observations describe what we see as if viewed through a camera
(2) Feelings tell us about the satisfaction level of our Needs and inform us about our Values
(3) Needs are the intrinsic motivation for behavior
(4) Requests clearly ask what might satisfy our needs

When making Observations, care should be taken to not make Evaluations instead.

Care should also be taken to differentiate between Needs (intrinsic motivators) and Strategies (preferences). Notice the PLATO acronym for identifying a strategy: anything related to People, Location, Action, Time, Object. Needs are life-energy in us seeking fulfillment independently of PLATO.

Finally, when making NVC Requests, care should be taken to avoid expressing Judgments or use other forms of communication that block compassion.

[NewBlood]

Thanks all for your thoughtful responses.
I will finish the book, try to practice what I've learned by myself, in writing, using common past scenarios.
I might run some of those attempts by you good people if that's cool (might fit better in another thread). If you all have examples of your own, that would be very interesting as well.
Then, I might try it live... point taken that this will be a slow process without a guaranteed outcome.

[NewBlood]

The most 'progress' I made with my parents came after I gave up.

I am very curious about this if you're comfortable elaborating on it. Especially since you live with/by them. No worries if that's too personal.

[delay]

If you all have examples of your own, that would be very interesting as well.

This video by the NVC author is worth watching: NVC Marshall Rosenberg - San Francisco Workshop.