Embracing Solitude: INTJ's Journey Towards Retirement

[mathiverse]

Well, as a way to make this job easier in the future, try to say no to any unnecessary favor ESPECIALLY if you hate the task and there are multiple ways for your coworker to solve the problem without you. You aren't responsible for saving other people. They can help themselves without you. You could even frame this like so: your coworker would be "helped" by learning a skill and you took the opportunity away from her.

[Scott 2]

I worked with a guy who made women like that trade baking for favors. Then he'd tell others while praising the goods.

In hindsight, pretty brilliant. Hard evidence the work is out of scope. Immediate reciprocity also rebalances the power dynamic. Especially when considering modern resistance to traditional gender roles.

A peer who delegates is effectively your boss. You're right to end that asap.

[okumurahata]

A peer who delegates is effectively your boss. You're right to end that asap.

How to shift these power dynamics? Does anyone have experience with that?

I also want to prevent coworkers from giving me orders just because they’ve been in the chair longer than me.

[mathiverse]

How to shift these power dynamics? Does anyone have experience with that?

Say no. If you start saying no, people will stop bothering you with extra requests because they will learn it's a waste of time to ask you.

[Henry]

Sometimes, I sense the pain in others and feel compelled to assist.

When you get shitcanned, you can temp for Jesus of Nazareth.

[Scott 2]

Sometimes, it's a soft no. Offer to show them how, but block an hour or two in several days. Say that you'd love to help, but we need to get with superior to reprioritize. Agree, but don't commit to a time frame, continually deprioritizing. Simply don't get around to responding to the email. Etc.

Rarely is direct conflict in your interest. There are times, but it's generally better to have an "easy to work with" reputation. Which, paradoxically, tends not to include direct disagreement.

Trading favors is often where the real work happens, BTW. A Senior who tells you what to do, but mentors along the way, could be offering a great exchange. If the women in your story did know how to automate the problem, and could collaborate with you on pulling off the impossible, that might be worth it.

Which is another way to say no. Instead of saying "can't be done," say "I don't know how, but if you figure it out, please show me." Presume competence in others and demonstrate humility in your own limits. What if she can do it? You want to be on the good side of that.

[okumurahata]

Which is another way to say no. Instead of saying "can't be done," say "I don't know how, but if you figure it out, please show me." Presume competence in others and demonstrate humility in your own limits. What if she can do it? You want to be on the good side of that.

Very wise, @Scott. I’ll follow this strategy from now on.

[delay]

Nevertheless, a favor is a favor. I spent three afternoons on this unpleasant task, and finally, today, I completed the atlas. I showed it to the coworker, and she was satisfied. Then, she mentioned we’ll need to create six more. At this point, I questioned why she hadn’t suggested to our boss to subcontract this work because I can’t afford to spend time on it. She responded politely, stating she would attempt it herself.

Sounds like you met an overly assertive "resource finder" from the Belbin system. Resource finders have aggressive strategies to get around "no".

My strategory is to tell them "yes" and do "no". They have no way to see what you do. When they check back after a week, you keep saying "yes". When they receive no instant gratification they will look for other colleagues to subject to "resource finding".

[okumurahata]

Today, in line with the general advice here, I sent coworker A an email with the QGIS layouts. I stated, ‘You can use them whenever you want and feel free to improve them as you desire,’ without offering any further assistance.

Coworker B, with whom I had a conflict yesterday, sent me a message today asking a question she already knew the answer to, presumably to break the ice. I responded politely while contemplating Jesus and the 12 apostles.

[okumurahata]

By the way, @oku’s life as a salaryman is on the record, partially as a future self note. I know that when you’re unemployed, you view things through rose-tinted glasses and sometimes regret not spending more time at job X to save more money Y. It’s a big mistake; jobs are dreadful, and every minute you spend in a cubicle [1] should be compensated with significant digits in the SQL table of your bank to make it worthwhile. So, if you’re currently unemployed and managing to get by, consider yourself blessed. Don’t return to a job unless the SQL float number drops to zero.

—
[1] A cubicle is the equivalent of an open office in modern times, which is hell on Earth for introverts.

[mathiverse]

Ha, you know, I was feeling regret at not saving more recently, then yesterday I reread some of my journals from the when I worked and it reminded me of just how dreadful I felt then. It renewed my desire to find alternatives to returning to what I did before.

Although I don't think I'd let things drop to zero before going back. There are earlier points at which I'd get serious about going back.

[okumurahata]

@mathiverse try not to go back as hard as you can. It would only take a few weeks employed to regret the decision.

For me, the worst thing about being unemployed is justifying it to family, friends, and acquaintances. At some point in life, people always ask what you’re working on.

If you say that you’re unemployed, you can see how they feel sorry for you, as if there could be nothing more interesting in life than being a trained dog.

Unrelated, but the second thing I hate the most is when I make a mistake unrelated to engineering, and then someone says with a cynical tone: ‘Lot of engineering studies for this?’

Providing some ideas for @Henry.

[delay]

I know that when you’re unemployed, you view things through rose-tinted glasses and sometimes regret not spending more time at job X to save more money Y.

...

For me, the worst thing about being unemployed is justifying it to family, friends, and acquaintances. At some point in life, people always ask what you’re working on.

Humans manage to be unhappy in any situation. if they're unemployed, they desire money and meaning. If they're employed, they desire freedom and influence. If they're rentiers, they desire youth and flattery. As far as I know this this not end.

There is also happiness in any situation. You can look for it: compare yourself to people who are worse off, give gifts and send thanks.

Happiness is like a sine wave. Humans cannot stay at the peak for long. When too many things go right, a human will increase his expectations until they don't.

[okumurahata]

Interesting. I understand your example, but I would add something: I would model happiness as a group of sine waves, with our natural inclinations being a wave of frequency f₀, and some external factors as additional frequencies from f₁ to fₙ, with amplitudes a₁ to aₙ.

Things like job, social expectations, family, health, etc. impact us in different ways and can be extracted separately.

Let’s say that my natural state has a frequency f₀ and amplitude a₀. My job significantly impacts me with a frequency f₁ >> f₀ and an amplitude a₁ >> a₀.

When unemployed, I eliminate f₁, but family expectations add a frequency f₂ << f₁ and amplitude a₂ << a₁.

Does it still affect my overall well-being? Yes, but I still choose f₂.

[okumurahata]

Things have become interesting. I received an email from coworker A on Friday at 17:00 (we never work after 15:00 on Fridays), stating that I should create the files and leave them in folder X. The email also CCs our boss and coworker B.

So, there are two possibilities:

1. She didn’t explain the issue to our boss and is resorting to this passive-aggressive behaviour (which I detest) to cover herself.
2. She has already informed our boss, and it was the boss’s suggestion.

I believe option 2 is the most likely. However, either way, it’s a manoeuvre that undermines trust within the team.

Before taking any action, I want to ask for advice on what would be the most ethical course of action.

I’m not willing to do extra work if I’m being pressured to, so I’m mentally prepared to leave the job if things deteriorate.

I can’t shake off this feeling over the weekend. It really makes me paranoid when a team member CCs the boss…

[delay]

Let’s say that my natural state has a frequency f₀ and amplitude a₀. My job significantly impacts me with a frequency f₁ >> f₀ and an amplitude a₁ >> a₀.

Agree with the idea of stacking sine waves, that's a better model. Now a sine wave oscillates around zero. So if your work has a large amplitude, it should also make you very happy at certain times.

Things have become interesting. I received an email from coworker A on Friday at 17:00 (we never work after 15:00 on Fridays), stating that I should create the files and leave them in folder X. The email also CCs our boss and coworker B.

Interesting! My strategy is to avoid adding energy to things I want less of. So I'd ignore the email as long as possible. When forced to reply, I'd reply quickly with simple facts and open questions (who/what/when/where/why/how).

Best of luck and looking forward to read how it works out!

[zbigi]

I’m not willing to do extra work if I’m being pressured to, so I’m mentally prepared to leave the job if things deteriorate.

I can’t shake off this feeling over the weekend. It really makes me paranoid when a team member CCs the boss…

Why don't you start Monday with asking her where is it coming from? If she confirms it's coming from the boss, then you have to do it. If you really don't want to do it, you could go to the boss and explain to him that it will delay whatever else you're working on. If she, on the other hand, deflects, then you can tell her you're sorry, but you will unfortunately not do it, as you have other pressing things to do.

EDIT: "here" -> "her".

[Scott 2]

Yeah, it's time for face to face communication. Conflict is part of working with others. Don't have it over email.

Even if boss did say "do X" - you always have a choice of if and how to comply. If you're willing to quit, you can flat out say "I'm not doing that". If you have enough capital with your boss, he'll tolerate it. But it's a big withdrawal. He cannot count on you.

If he does de-prioritize your other work, and you knock this out of the park, you're getting more of it. It's changing the direction of your career at the company. Maybe you can bank on that, train others to do it, build an in house team, etc. You are demonstrating yourself as a team player, someone who's not "too good" for whatever needs to be done.

That flexibility can be good for job security, but bad for you career. A transferable skill set is focused. Future employers want a few impressive achievements, not a scattering of tasks nobody else would do. Bringing the outsourced service in house, building a team around it, could be a resume bullet point.

But if you don't want that, you cannot do a great job with the request. It needs to take longer than expected. Painful, without impugning the quality of your work. Very sensitive to scope change. De-prioritized because you jumped on the daily fire. Email correspondence on a business day delay. Etc.

[Henry]

Things have become interesting. I received an email from coworker A on Friday at 17:00 (we never work after 15:00 on Fridays), stating that I should create the files and leave them in folder X. The email also CCs our boss and coworker B.

A Wonder Woman robotic sex doll at a meth fueled Comic Con afterparty doesn't get passed around like this.

If Oku doesn't stand up for himself after this, Oku might as well stay home.

[okumurahata]

When I arrived at the office at 7:30, I opened the email and clicked on “reply all”: “Please let’s discuss this in the office when we are all present.”

At 8:30, the team went for breakfast. Coworker B asked me, “@oku, are you okay? You seem very quiet today.” I replied, “I’m a man of few words.” She responded in, “We know, but you’re quieter than usual today.” I remained silent.

At around 13:50, coworker A approached my desk and asked what I wanted to discuss. I replied, “Let’s discuss it with coworker B and the boss.”

So, we sat in the meeting room, and the boss gave me the opportunity to speak.

I got straight to the point: “I received an email at 17:00 on Friday from coworker A, with coworker B and you copied in the CC.

“Was it you?” I asked to him.

He replied that he didn’t know which email I was referring to, but the overall indications were from him.

Suddenly, coworker A apologised for sending emails on Friday at 17:00, stating that she hadn’t considered copying the boss.

Short silence.

Then I inquired further, “Now I have a second question: what is expected of @oku? Do you expect me to do the work of a delineator?”

The boss reassured me that I wasn’t obligated to do anything I didn’t want to, and he was conducting this as a test to see if projects could be handled in-house rather than subcontracting them. That everyone at the team should do an effort.

I expressed my concern that if the future for @oku was to be the delineator of the team, I would need to reconsider my future in the company.

He insisted that he wanted to conduct a trial. If things weren’t working out, we would subcontract the job.

I felt relieved to voice my thoughts, and even though I’m not technically being forced to do it, I feel diminished as an engineer. My rational mind wants to stay for the financial stability, but my heart tells me that I’m just a benchwarmer for this team.

Anyway, I think I did the correct thing; discussing the situation face to face and being as assertive as I could.