Loutfard's journal

[loutfard]

What I found sometimes helpful in such situations is either doing whatever is a potential contentious activity under the radar, or when called out (like in your quote above), redefining it in terms of doing it for others. One example would be redefining it as attempting to be a role model for parents or siblings with weight issue. Or a friend, anyone but DW!!

Good hint. My mother is very happy to use my weight loss as an example for my father. His BMI is over 40...

Thing is, I am doing it for DW too. She's quite a bit younger.

[ertyu]

this sounds like she is insecure. she might be worried that if you're successful, you'll start pushing her to lose weight too and it would be a miserable experience/she will not be successful/she will disappoint you/you will not be satisfied with her as a partner/etc. she might need reassurance that this is about you and is not an implicit criticism of her. i thus disagree with the "tell her you're doing it to be a role model' advice. in fact, i don't think you should be focused on you at all. instead, have a conversation about how -she- honestly feels about her weight and health and be understanding, validating, and non-critical. You're going for she knowing that she's heard or understood. To be honest, something like this in a partner would worry me. If she's feeling vulnerable and insecure around this, and she is your wife and life-long partner, why is it that she can't bring this up with you in an honest and relaxed manner which would initiate an open disucssion? usually it's a combo of how people in the past have reacted (including you) plus a worry of how present you might react.

[loutfard]

this sounds like she is insecure.

Indeed.

she might need reassurance that this is about you and is not an implicit criticism of her.[...]
i thus disagree with the "tell her you're doing it to be a role model' advice. in fact, i don't think you should be focused on you at all. instead, have a conversation about how -she- honestly feels about her weight and health and be understanding, validating, and non-critical. You're going for she knowing that she's heard or understood.

That sounds like a very sensible hint.

If she's feeling vulnerable and insecure around this, and she is your wife and life-long partner, why is it that she can't bring this up with you in an honest and relaxed manner which would initiate an open disucssion? usually it's a combo of how people in the past have reacted (including you) plus a worry of how present you might react.

You hit the nail on the head with the bit about the past. She has some worrisome things to digest still.

[delay]

- BMI 26.5. Down from ~31.8 four months ago. Aiming for 22.5.

Thanks for your blog update! That's great progress, congratulations.

I'm always curious about weight loss. What method are you using? What do you feel makes it work?

[loutfard]

I'm always curious about weight loss. What method are you using? What do you feel makes it work?

Intermittent fasting. I eat one day and just drink water and tea the next. It does not feel like I'm withholding something from myself. Quite to the contrary, I feel like I'm doing my body a service. The simplicity makes it work for me.

[ertyu]

How about on the day you eat? I always seem to end up just making up for the day I fasted to 0 net gain

[loutfard]

How about on the day you eat? I always seem to end up just making up for the day I fasted to 0 net gain

As I said, the scales don't lie. It seems like I don't overeat more than I used to on the fasting days...

[ertyu]

Oh no, I'm not questioning you, if you're seeing results, obviously it's working. I just wondered if you're doing anything special to avoid a trap I tend to fall into when it comes to IF

[guitarplayer]

@ertyu, a simple (yet hard to get used to maybe) solution is to ditch added sugar and fat (and probably salt for the most part) from diet. It is very hard to eat 5000- 6000kcal or more in a day without these.

[delay]

I just wondered if you're doing anything special to avoid a trap I tend to fall into when it comes to IF

It takes time for your body to trust that food will be coming the next day. How long have you tried the one day on, one day off fasting?

And what about other time frames? A 14:00 to 20:00 eating window seems to work for me. I eat until I feel satisfied during the eating window. Although I do eat more varied than I used to, like different vegetables, fruits, meats, rice, potatoes and with different recipes.

[ertyu]

@guitarplayer @delay very valid callouts both. i do tend to reach for crap after i've tried fasting, and i probably did give up too soon. thanks.

[loutfard]

@ertyu No worries. I wrote quite an extensive comment here, but seems like I didn't submit it. Quick recap:

- I eat little sugar or fat. Almost no fries, no meat, hardly any sugary deserts. I mostly east large quantities.
- With full day intermittent fasting, I'm probably pleasing my own vanity. I do something that's difficult for others and laugh "This is easy for me!"...
- Full day intermittent fasting is super simple and clear, thus easy to explain. That helps recruit supporters.
- I find this easy and liberating. Pausing it for one or more days is easy. I did so during our winter holiday, and at my wife's request on her birthday. Returning to it feels good and is even easier.

[7Wannabe5]

You might want to consider the possibility that your wife's complaint is in alignment with her preferences as much as her insecurities. I have had the experience of male partners losing significant amounts of weight and finding them somewhat less attractive, because they looked older and smaller, like they were wasting away and becoming weaker. Studies show that women prefer partners who are 10% larger than them by some dimension. The good news is that you can overcome this aesthetic issue and maintain the health benefits of weight loss by doing some strength training towards increasing/maintaining upper body musculature (rowing is excellent for this) and also giving some consideration to your posture, stance, body language, and how you generally occupy space. Use your newly increased vigor and flexibility to physically invade her space a bit in a boyish or chimpanzee-like or sports maneuvering manner. Consider how to make her feel like you are larger, stronger and/or more dynamic than her.

[loutfard]

You might want to consider the possibility that your wife's complaint is in alignment with her preferences as much as her insecurities. I have had the experience of male partners losing significant amounts of weight and finding them somewhat less attractive, because they looked older and smaller, like they were wasting away and becoming weaker. Studies show that women prefer partners who are 10% larger than them by some dimension. The good news is that you can overcome this aesthetic issue and maintain the health benefits of weight loss by doing some strength training towards increasing/maintaining upper body musculature (rowing is excellent for this) and also giving some consideration to your posture, stance, body language, and how you generally occupy space. Use your newly increased vigor and flexibility to physically invade her space a bit in a boyish or chimpanzee-like or sports maneuvering manner. Consider how to make her feel like you are larger, stronger and/or more dynamic than her.

I'm convinced your reading of the situation is very accurate, and your hint very valuable. Thank you!

[7Wannabe5]

You're welcome. I'm 5'9" and happy with how I look naked at 169 lbs., so I've given this matter some thought over the years. Al Pacino is a good (out-of my league ) example of a guy I would find attractive even though I had 4 inches and 20 lbs and 20-plus years on him. I've dated men as short as 5'2" and as skinny as 130 lbs., and as much as 24 years older than me, but not with all 3 of these statistics.

[Henry]

I've dated men as short as 5'2" and as skinny as 130 lbs., and as much as 24 years older than me, but not with all 3 of these statistics.

You could tape a picture of Ghandi on your ceiling as a test run.

[loutfard]

I'm willing to invest some time into looking attractive to my wife if that brings me more than just that as benefits. You just handed me that idea on a platter.

My wife is smart. It won't take her long to move to positive communication ("I love to see you grow these muscles!") over negative one ("Don't start your diet. I'd rather you stop your diet. You've lost enough weight now.") on this. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd start to apply similar positive patterns in other, unrelated areas!

[loutfard]

So the goals would be improved general physical condition, with a bit more muscles visible in the upper half of my body to please my wife. Oh, and if at all possible, no expensive or bulky gear required.

Any good starting points? Hints welcome!

[guitarplayer]

yeah sure, in the ere book is on pages 155 and 156. Also

On keeping one's body in shape: Jacob's HIIT workout routine is very cost effective and time efficient, and works well for looks and well-being. Thank you Jacob. I use the variant with burpees, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-sB3o7LCPo, as no equipment is needed. For those who have not picked up on it:

* You aim to do 200/100/50 (to accommodate various levels of fitness) burpees every other day.
* The burpees are done divided into one minute intervals.
* Start with 5 burpees at a time. The first minute starts, do 5 burpees and rest until the beginning of the second minute. Then do 5 burpees again, and so on.
* Carry on for 40/20/10 min (corresponding to the number of burpees). When you have done them all, you are done for the day.
* Once comfortable with it, start doing 6 burpees at a time. It will take you less time to reach your total number of burpees
* Then increase to 7, and so on.

I started about 6 months ago, 200 burpees with 5 burpees at a time, this took 40min. Now I do 200 burpees with 11 burpees at a time, it takes me 18min.

Cold shower after this is excellent. I don't take hot showers anymore.

DW tells me I look athletic. This is new compared to 6 months ago, even though I was fit back then from running for hours and hours.

It takes me 18min every second day, compared to running for hours and hours every week. I still run every now and again, but now more to enjoy the landscapes or to accompany DW, rather than to do 30min in a particular heart rate zone etc.

After some time, I don't remember exactly but perhaps a year and a bit I had gotten to the point where I would just do 200 straight daily. Guess it has to suit temperament. I have been extending the exercise with time, just that I am very slow with add ons. But if you follow this above, it should keep you busy for a long time already.

[loutfard]

Thank you. I very much appreciate your help.

Hubris told me to see how far I could get. I did seven of the heavy burpees in the first minute. I could barely keep up with five the next ones and stopped at 32. Lesson learned.

I''ll start very carefully with ten one-minute sessions of four burpees each and try to build up from there.