Less than a week to go before I'm on the big bird home. Where is home? I'm heading back to Kentucky for the interim. Is that where I'll stay? Who the hell knows
There has been a loss of hope. Now don't get overly concerned thinking the Expat is depressed and hopless. That is not it. The hope I speak of is more a loss of illusion and I fear it will change the rest of my life.
You see, there was a time that I once thought that traveling, working overseas, high earnings and such were going to magically reveal a level of happiness I had yet to attain. When you believe in that the striving, working and careerism that takes over your life seems acceptable, a means to an end. But what happens when you lose that hope, when that illusion is found to be a falsehood? That is where I find myself. I achieved those things and was set to ride out a few more years of easy living, traveling and generally having a "good" life. But comfort does not equate to good and that is where I found myself. Being as financially comfortable as I have been at any other time in my life, I find I yearn for something more. That more has nothing to do with material items or careerism and this is very different for me.
I'm thinking of converting my truck into living quarters and hanging out for the summer in the Gorge, a well known hot spot for rock climbing. I've figured up what my expenses would be for the month and they come out to be around 460.00. A person does not have to work much to cover those expenses. Spending the summer at the lake, camping and climbing seems like a hell of a way live while I figure out what I'm going to do next. What is "next" when the very life you thought you wanted turns out not to be? Houses, cars, jobs seem heavily overrated to me these days.
This sums up nicely my mental state these days, enjoy:
http://www.gymjones.com/knowledge/article/15/
until next time...
ExpatERE Journal
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jennypenny
- Posts: 6861
- Joined: Sun Jul 03, 2011 2:20 pm
It's a scary feeling when you have to define internal goals instead of external ones. Don't feel hopeless because certain goals didn't provide the happiness you wanted. Sometimes I wonder if it's not the things themselves (like travel) but the person that we *are* when we do those things that brings us the feelings of happiness. (e.g. I'm not sure running itself brings me joy, but I feel a lot of joy when I push myself running and complete certain goals. Does that even make sense?)
If you're a goal-oriented person, that won't change. I'm struggling to understand that with myself. I need goals. I'm learning to define them myself (instead of letting other people/society) and be very particular about what goals are worthy of my energy.
Be careful--the last week can be difficult for short-timers.
If you're a goal-oriented person, that won't change. I'm struggling to understand that with myself. I need goals. I'm learning to define them myself (instead of letting other people/society) and be very particular about what goals are worthy of my energy.
Be careful--the last week can be difficult for short-timers.
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MySavingStyle
- Posts: 22
- Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 2:52 pm
Hey Expat, I've been wondering where you were. Glad nothing serious happened and that you are ok.
My recommendation is to do things that bring you peace. I find that if I take a yoga class or run, or do some sort of physical activity, I feel peace (for a bit, at least). Maybe you will find that climbing? I think hiking the app trail would be interesting, but very solitary and I don't much like tent camping.
Keep us posted, either here or on your blog. Thanks for the update, all the best on your transition back to the States. I'm sure people will relate to you different, given the change in your outlook, but don't conform, be your true self, even as that evolves
My recommendation is to do things that bring you peace. I find that if I take a yoga class or run, or do some sort of physical activity, I feel peace (for a bit, at least). Maybe you will find that climbing? I think hiking the app trail would be interesting, but very solitary and I don't much like tent camping.
Keep us posted, either here or on your blog. Thanks for the update, all the best on your transition back to the States. I'm sure people will relate to you different, given the change in your outlook, but don't conform, be your true self, even as that evolves
I read these boards and often see bits of myself. The words don't come as easy to me..... I really appreciate seeing others words that often describe how I think or sometimes feel.
In the last couple of years my illusions became falsehoods. I can identify. Im not going to hijack your journal with my situation as I should be journaling more myself.
I would like to suggest a gorge meet up! I did spend some time there as a college student and am relatively close now.
In the last couple of years my illusions became falsehoods. I can identify. Im not going to hijack your journal with my situation as I should be journaling more myself.
I would like to suggest a gorge meet up! I did spend some time there as a college student and am relatively close now.
I think my boyfriend could relate. He has all the options in the world (except for one), but he finds it very hard to find something meaningful to do or to strive for. I can't get him to go to a career counselor or to a shrink. Please, ExpatERE, if you keep struggling with this for months without finding satisfying answers, do go see that shrink, coach, counselor or who-ever who can help you clarify some goals to strive for. (And don't be afraid to try several if the first one is an idiot - that happens).
Sometimes it's hard to admit that some goal you had before is no longer what you desire. Sometimes it is even harder to admit that you have a weird goal (as long as it's legal, it's okay by me). Or a goal that you think you can never reach, so you stop trying. Sometimes talking to other people can help.
Sometimes it's hard to admit that some goal you had before is no longer what you desire. Sometimes it is even harder to admit that you have a weird goal (as long as it's legal, it's okay by me). Or a goal that you think you can never reach, so you stop trying. Sometimes talking to other people can help.
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jacob
- Site Admin
- Posts: 16097
- Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 8:38 pm
- Location: USA, Zone 5b, Koppen Dfa, Elev. 620ft, Walkscore 77
- Contact:
I think what you might be experiencing the kind of burnout that comes from a loss of faith. Not the religious kind but faith as in "what gives meaning to life" which for some is at the core of what they do---their career or work. Which again is at the core of who they are.
That's a lot [of mental infrastructure] to lose and it requires some serious reworking and introspection as to "who you really are" (a self-image redesign) and whether a "replacement-meaning" can be found and if so what?
If it's any consolation, it gets easier and easier the more times you go through it. Reality becomes clearer and clearer.
The simple solution is to adopt some predesigned set of meanings, e.g. "I don't want to be a master programmer anymore, so instead I want to be a master martial artists", etc. I think this just postpones the problem (in my experience anyway). But on the other hand it's a good short term solution for up to several years. Often we don't need to retire as much as we simply need to do something else to get the fire back.
What I will say, though, is that in my experience the rebound strategy is not a good long term solution---it doesn't work in the long run. It's like the popular "next S.O. anti-rebound strategy" in that much emphasis is put on making sure that the next S.O. is the exact opposite of all the aspects that were so annoying about the last one. Like going from the boardroom to the cave. It may be good to try something completely different, but I think there's something in our core that attracted us to what we burned out on in the first place. It still has the positive aspects---they just got corrupted and we couldn't handle the impurity because we expected more. So a better strategy is do look at the core of what you did (for me, thinking, modeling, programming, and teaching) and then find some other expression of that which is unrelated to the previous problem. Alternatively, refocus on the same thing and find something else to like about it.
That's a lot [of mental infrastructure] to lose and it requires some serious reworking and introspection as to "who you really are" (a self-image redesign) and whether a "replacement-meaning" can be found and if so what?
If it's any consolation, it gets easier and easier the more times you go through it. Reality becomes clearer and clearer.
The simple solution is to adopt some predesigned set of meanings, e.g. "I don't want to be a master programmer anymore, so instead I want to be a master martial artists", etc. I think this just postpones the problem (in my experience anyway). But on the other hand it's a good short term solution for up to several years. Often we don't need to retire as much as we simply need to do something else to get the fire back.
What I will say, though, is that in my experience the rebound strategy is not a good long term solution---it doesn't work in the long run. It's like the popular "next S.O. anti-rebound strategy" in that much emphasis is put on making sure that the next S.O. is the exact opposite of all the aspects that were so annoying about the last one. Like going from the boardroom to the cave. It may be good to try something completely different, but I think there's something in our core that attracted us to what we burned out on in the first place. It still has the positive aspects---they just got corrupted and we couldn't handle the impurity because we expected more. So a better strategy is do look at the core of what you did (for me, thinking, modeling, programming, and teaching) and then find some other expression of that which is unrelated to the previous problem. Alternatively, refocus on the same thing and find something else to like about it.
Wow. Thanks guys for the wonderful responses. Much appreciated.
Jenny-- you hit the nail on the head. My internal goals are much more meaningful to me these days than the external ones. This is a realignment of values at the same time I transition to different living situation. Since I'm starting with a clean slate I'm very selective of what will be added back in. For years I thought I needed a house with 2-3 bedrooms. Then it was down to a one bedroom apartment, then studio and now it's finding someone who needs a roomate or van dwelling (didn't realize there was such a van dwelling culture until I googled it).
You are also right about the person you are comment. Very, very true. The warning about the last week. What's that about? The only problem I have had is staying motivated to be here. But I've already checked out and they know it. Just trying not to burn any bridges so if my future self decides I want to come back the option is there.
My Savings Style--- Thanks for the encouragement. I think the climbing will help clear my mind. I like the physicality of it and the focus it requires from you to be in the moment. Eveything else fades away. I'm thinking there may be some primal drive pulling me to the outdoors, a return to the source if you will. Uraban life is so unnatural when you think about it. Perhaps all that is needed when you begin to lose your way is returning to that which you came.
Sshawnn-- I'm all about a meet up! I would love meeting some of you guys. Send me a pm and let know when and where.
DutchGirl--- You know how us guys can be. What's the word?? Stubborn? That's putting it nicely right?
None of this is new to me DG. I've struggled with understanding myself and my place in this world since I was a child. It is who I am. It is where my interest in existentialism comes from and will likely always be the driving force in my life. My orientation now is giving more of a voice to that force versus what I have traditionally done; make it conform. I don't remember the exact wording, but I came across a quote that goes something like this, It is not the answer to the question that is important, it is the question itself. Above all I know that I am a questioner (philosopher?).
You are right, the goals are changing and as such my life is gradually morphing as well.
riparian--Very well said. Thank you. True, it is sad. However, I wonder if a butterfly feels sad when it's life undgoes such profound change before it ultimately becomes this beautiful creature who flies amongst us, no longer confined to merely crawl about?
akratic-- thanks for the offer! i'm there. send me a pm and let me know when is a good time.
Jacob. I would agree with you. The faith i've lost is that working and earning money that goes beyond what you need seems sort of.... pointless?? The struggle I had here was staying a few more years and having this big pot of money to support myself or go back to a normal life and work enough for what I needed. It was the idea of enough that really acted as a thorn in my side. Knowing that I already had more than enough and questioning why I was doing what I was doing. Now the obvious answer to that and why you started this blog is to have enough money to gain financial freedom. Fair enough, that is a good answer, but I know that ERE in its original conception was not going to be the path for me. Now it's a matter of realigning what my needs and wants are with the income I need to provide it. I really like the idea of choosing my work based on what I find interesting versus what pays the most. The last part of that sentence sums it up. I no longer need to base my work decisions on who pays the most or offers the best benefits. That's freedom baby!!
Reworking my "image" is tied in with the above as well. Much of what I did in my previous life was based around this idea of who I was. That has changed, dramatically. At the core I'm still the same person, but minus all the mental baggage of what material things I need in my life. The last few years have taught me that those are very, very few. However, reworking that mental wiring will take time and I'm ok with that.
I'm attempting to turn over new leaves in what I do for work. Working in emergency management and as a paramedic provides numerous opportunities to retool yourself. One of the areas I'm really interested in is expedition/remote medical work. Finding short-term contracts in various parts of the world would be interesting. As I said before, getting to choose the work based on how interesting it is and not on the pay/benefit structure is much more appealing and is a very different orientation to what I've done in the past.
Jenny-- you hit the nail on the head. My internal goals are much more meaningful to me these days than the external ones. This is a realignment of values at the same time I transition to different living situation. Since I'm starting with a clean slate I'm very selective of what will be added back in. For years I thought I needed a house with 2-3 bedrooms. Then it was down to a one bedroom apartment, then studio and now it's finding someone who needs a roomate or van dwelling (didn't realize there was such a van dwelling culture until I googled it).
You are also right about the person you are comment. Very, very true. The warning about the last week. What's that about? The only problem I have had is staying motivated to be here. But I've already checked out and they know it. Just trying not to burn any bridges so if my future self decides I want to come back the option is there.
My Savings Style--- Thanks for the encouragement. I think the climbing will help clear my mind. I like the physicality of it and the focus it requires from you to be in the moment. Eveything else fades away. I'm thinking there may be some primal drive pulling me to the outdoors, a return to the source if you will. Uraban life is so unnatural when you think about it. Perhaps all that is needed when you begin to lose your way is returning to that which you came.
Sshawnn-- I'm all about a meet up! I would love meeting some of you guys. Send me a pm and let know when and where.
DutchGirl--- You know how us guys can be. What's the word?? Stubborn? That's putting it nicely right?
None of this is new to me DG. I've struggled with understanding myself and my place in this world since I was a child. It is who I am. It is where my interest in existentialism comes from and will likely always be the driving force in my life. My orientation now is giving more of a voice to that force versus what I have traditionally done; make it conform. I don't remember the exact wording, but I came across a quote that goes something like this, It is not the answer to the question that is important, it is the question itself. Above all I know that I am a questioner (philosopher?). You are right, the goals are changing and as such my life is gradually morphing as well.
riparian--Very well said. Thank you. True, it is sad. However, I wonder if a butterfly feels sad when it's life undgoes such profound change before it ultimately becomes this beautiful creature who flies amongst us, no longer confined to merely crawl about?
akratic-- thanks for the offer! i'm there. send me a pm and let me know when is a good time.
Jacob. I would agree with you. The faith i've lost is that working and earning money that goes beyond what you need seems sort of.... pointless?? The struggle I had here was staying a few more years and having this big pot of money to support myself or go back to a normal life and work enough for what I needed. It was the idea of enough that really acted as a thorn in my side. Knowing that I already had more than enough and questioning why I was doing what I was doing. Now the obvious answer to that and why you started this blog is to have enough money to gain financial freedom. Fair enough, that is a good answer, but I know that ERE in its original conception was not going to be the path for me. Now it's a matter of realigning what my needs and wants are with the income I need to provide it. I really like the idea of choosing my work based on what I find interesting versus what pays the most. The last part of that sentence sums it up. I no longer need to base my work decisions on who pays the most or offers the best benefits. That's freedom baby!!
Reworking my "image" is tied in with the above as well. Much of what I did in my previous life was based around this idea of who I was. That has changed, dramatically. At the core I'm still the same person, but minus all the mental baggage of what material things I need in my life. The last few years have taught me that those are very, very few. However, reworking that mental wiring will take time and I'm ok with that.
I'm attempting to turn over new leaves in what I do for work. Working in emergency management and as a paramedic provides numerous opportunities to retool yourself. One of the areas I'm really interested in is expedition/remote medical work. Finding short-term contracts in various parts of the world would be interesting. As I said before, getting to choose the work based on how interesting it is and not on the pay/benefit structure is much more appealing and is a very different orientation to what I've done in the past.
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George the original one
- Posts: 5406
- Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:28 am
- Location: Wettest corner of Orygun
Hi Expat who will be In (your) patria again. Thanks for sharing your journey. Happenend a lot.
For inspiration the following quote of Spinoza:
"After expierence had thaught me that all the things which regularly occur in ordinary life are empty and futile, and I saw that all the things which were the cause or object of my fear had nothing of good or bad in themselves, except insofar as my mind was moved by them, I resolved at last to try to find out whether there was anything which would be the true good, capable of communicating itself, and which alone would affect the mind, all others being rejected- whether there was something which, once found and acquired, would continuously give me the greatest joy, to eternity."
In his thirties Spinoza had found out that his future lay in philosophy, the search for knowledge and true happiness, not in his job in im/export. May you find out what your future is.
For inspiration the following quote of Spinoza:
"After expierence had thaught me that all the things which regularly occur in ordinary life are empty and futile, and I saw that all the things which were the cause or object of my fear had nothing of good or bad in themselves, except insofar as my mind was moved by them, I resolved at last to try to find out whether there was anything which would be the true good, capable of communicating itself, and which alone would affect the mind, all others being rejected- whether there was something which, once found and acquired, would continuously give me the greatest joy, to eternity."
In his thirties Spinoza had found out that his future lay in philosophy, the search for knowledge and true happiness, not in his job in im/export. May you find out what your future is.
Update
I made it back to the U.S. on June 21st. It feels really good to be home. I was concerned I would have some regrets leaving such a good paying job, but so far I have not second guessed myself one time on my decision to come back.
The last few weeks have been a vacation. I spent a week in Oregon when I first returned with some friends I worked with in Afghanistan. We had a great time at a beach house on the coast and Portland might just be my new favorite city. The last couple of weeks I visited a friend in Detroit and this weekend was spent out on the lake learning to wake board. It has been a very relaxing return home.
On the job front I have one opportunity that I have been pursuing. It looks promising, but I'm not really serious about the job hunt just yet.
Expenses for June came in at 3561.74. This is a bit high but includes plane tickets for the flight home and to Oregon. This represents over half of the expenses and was paid for by my previous employer. I will itemize everything later, but this is it for now.
Hope everyone is enjoying the summer!!!! I'm hoping to be at the Gorge doing some climbing this weekend.
Cheers
I made it back to the U.S. on June 21st. It feels really good to be home. I was concerned I would have some regrets leaving such a good paying job, but so far I have not second guessed myself one time on my decision to come back.
The last few weeks have been a vacation. I spent a week in Oregon when I first returned with some friends I worked with in Afghanistan. We had a great time at a beach house on the coast and Portland might just be my new favorite city. The last couple of weeks I visited a friend in Detroit and this weekend was spent out on the lake learning to wake board. It has been a very relaxing return home.
On the job front I have one opportunity that I have been pursuing. It looks promising, but I'm not really serious about the job hunt just yet.
Expenses for June came in at 3561.74. This is a bit high but includes plane tickets for the flight home and to Oregon. This represents over half of the expenses and was paid for by my previous employer. I will itemize everything later, but this is it for now.
Hope everyone is enjoying the summer!!!! I'm hoping to be at the Gorge doing some climbing this weekend.
Cheers
As DutchGirl pointed out the last expenses were for May. Here is the expenses for June:
Personal Care: 7.00
Cell Phone: 30.00
Vehicle Maint. 57.82
Clothes: 186.41
Gifts: 290.87
Entertainment: 378.33
Laundry: 6.50
Parking (Airport): 64.00
Gas: 595.73
Groceries: 155.40
Travel: 55.63
Eating out: 545.25
Camping Supplies: 26.47
Phone: 39.87
Rock Climbing Gear: 375.00
Total: 2814.28
A little lower than last month by not by much. Eating out and gas are what killed me. I did a lot of traveling and a lot of social eating during this time. July is looking better.
The turned down the job that I was offered. Just didn't feel right. Have not been looking for anything serious.
Still enjoying the summer. Getting better with the wake board. Climbing is going wonderful. I've spent A LOT of time down at the Gorge. Ended up doing a weeks worth of camping last week. This is going to turn into an experiment for the summer. The cost is 5 a night and you have water and shower facility. It is actually quite nice and there are some long term rv's there that I wouldn't mind checking to see what the rates are for bringing my own. For the summer this would be great. Not sure how I would like it for the winter.
Hope everyone is enjoying the summer. I know I am!!!!
Personal Care: 7.00
Cell Phone: 30.00
Vehicle Maint. 57.82
Clothes: 186.41
Gifts: 290.87
Entertainment: 378.33
Laundry: 6.50
Parking (Airport): 64.00
Gas: 595.73
Groceries: 155.40
Travel: 55.63
Eating out: 545.25
Camping Supplies: 26.47
Phone: 39.87
Rock Climbing Gear: 375.00
Total: 2814.28
A little lower than last month by not by much. Eating out and gas are what killed me. I did a lot of traveling and a lot of social eating during this time. July is looking better.
The turned down the job that I was offered. Just didn't feel right. Have not been looking for anything serious.
Still enjoying the summer. Getting better with the wake board. Climbing is going wonderful. I've spent A LOT of time down at the Gorge. Ended up doing a weeks worth of camping last week. This is going to turn into an experiment for the summer. The cost is 5 a night and you have water and shower facility. It is actually quite nice and there are some long term rv's there that I wouldn't mind checking to see what the rates are for bringing my own. For the summer this would be great. Not sure how I would like it for the winter.
Hope everyone is enjoying the summer. I know I am!!!!
July Expenses
Groceries: 234.85
Gas: 403.74
Cell Phone: 99
Household: 37.64
Camping: 253.59
Eating out: 167.15
Climbing gear: 58.14
Gifts: 269.15
Entertainment: 268.50
Vehicle Ins: 437.00
Total: 2239.85
Another month of expenses and no income. Still trending down, but much higher than it needs to be. Almost three months since I've been back. Hard to believe. I will probably join the working world again by the end of August. Not terribly excited about it, but not totally bummed out either.
No ground breaking news to share. Continuing to enjoy the summer and looking forward to transitioning to the new life.
Cheers.
Groceries: 234.85
Gas: 403.74
Cell Phone: 99
Household: 37.64
Camping: 253.59
Eating out: 167.15
Climbing gear: 58.14
Gifts: 269.15
Entertainment: 268.50
Vehicle Ins: 437.00
Total: 2239.85
Another month of expenses and no income. Still trending down, but much higher than it needs to be. Almost three months since I've been back. Hard to believe. I will probably join the working world again by the end of August. Not terribly excited about it, but not totally bummed out either.
No ground breaking news to share. Continuing to enjoy the summer and looking forward to transitioning to the new life.
Cheers.
August 2012
Income: Zero
Expenses: Ugly
Eating Out: 423.81
Groceries: 180.22
Gas: 693.33!!!
Entertainment: 154.00
Travel: 191.79
Education: 285.00
Motorcycle: 2685.46
Cell: 61.67
Misc. 43.98
Vehicle Maint. 173.35
Gift: 100.00
Camping: 30.21
Books: 35.41
Climging: 84.75
Total: 5143.98 DAMN!!
This total blew me away. I knew Agust was going to be ugly. Frist week I took a trip to Saugatuck, MI an absolutely beautiful place. The middle of the month an opportunity to buy a motorcycle opened up.
I've lusted after a motorcylce for the better part of at least five years. I've never been on a motorcycle before. Just learned how to ride on this one. I can tell you I have had no buyers remorse at all. Being on the road is very natural and nothing ends the day better than on a bike heading west as the sun is setting.
The cost of the bike itself was 2000.00 the other expenses were for insurance, helmet, transfer, oil change and new front brake pads. Hell, the camping and books where also relatd to the bike as I added a sleeping bag to my camping gear and loaded up the bike for a camping trip. Loved it. Books were for an atlas and a book called Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenace. A very interesting book that I'm about 2/3 of the way through.
Sept. is looking much better as I'm actively controlling spending. No luck on the job front. Guess I will have to continue enjoying the summer sans employment.
Income: Zero
Expenses: Ugly
Eating Out: 423.81
Groceries: 180.22
Gas: 693.33!!!
Entertainment: 154.00
Travel: 191.79
Education: 285.00
Motorcycle: 2685.46
Cell: 61.67
Misc. 43.98
Vehicle Maint. 173.35
Gift: 100.00
Camping: 30.21
Books: 35.41
Climging: 84.75
Total: 5143.98 DAMN!!
This total blew me away. I knew Agust was going to be ugly. Frist week I took a trip to Saugatuck, MI an absolutely beautiful place. The middle of the month an opportunity to buy a motorcycle opened up.
I've lusted after a motorcylce for the better part of at least five years. I've never been on a motorcycle before. Just learned how to ride on this one. I can tell you I have had no buyers remorse at all. Being on the road is very natural and nothing ends the day better than on a bike heading west as the sun is setting.
The cost of the bike itself was 2000.00 the other expenses were for insurance, helmet, transfer, oil change and new front brake pads. Hell, the camping and books where also relatd to the bike as I added a sleeping bag to my camping gear and loaded up the bike for a camping trip. Loved it. Books were for an atlas and a book called Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenace. A very interesting book that I'm about 2/3 of the way through.
Sept. is looking much better as I'm actively controlling spending. No luck on the job front. Guess I will have to continue enjoying the summer sans employment.