7Wannabe5-Take9-One Ordinary Day, With Peanuts

[calamityjane]

I'm intrigued by how you were able to evolve your younger self's inclinations towards entrepreneurship and make a legitimate business in adulthood. Something that has always puzzled me about myself is how much of my early extroverted and entrepreneurial tendencies were either sublimated or transformed during adolescence. I am now pretty much as introverted as they come, and approach ringing a doorbell or making a phone call with definite trepidation if not dread. As a kid I used to make my own perfume to sell door to door, as well as conduct surveys for no discernible purpose just because I was curious how many people liked Coke more than Pepsi. I also got in trouble for pirating office supplies from my dad's publishing company and selling them at school. What the heck happened to that person? It sounds like your journey has been much more cohesive.

[7Wannabe5]

@calamityjane:

I would say that my natural inclinations were also quashed a bit during adolescence due to increased self-consciousness and being societally trained in belief in strong dichotomy between work and play. Frankly, it took sinking to a place of complete misery and exhaustion to grant me the gonads to break free and take the risk. Imposter syndrome is also a big factor for those of us who didn't have others to model it.

OTOH, I am clearly still muddling through trying to figure out the factors that have prevented me from doing it again. Having had both experiences, I would say it's pretty much akin to what it takes to choose to invest in a second marriage. As long as you are focusing on the collapse beyond the end of the S-Curve, you won't be able to do it (unless you are dysfunctional enough to blame your failures entirely on other human(s) and/or circumstances.) Much more functional to focus on having had a "good run" vs trying to solve for every possibile problem towards "forever security" or " infinity machine."

[7Wannabe5]

I am finding my experiment in compartmentalizing my functioning into the 4 different identities listed below to be quite energizing, but also fairly difficult. Too many of my activities are a mix of two or three of the identities, so I have some bleeding edges in my schedule.

1) The Conformist AKA The Cover Story- SD Level Beige (survival) mixed with Blue (social conformity.)
2) The Competitor AKA The Con-Artist-SD Levels Red (winning) and Orange(money/success.)
3) The Co-operator AKA The Compassionate Communitarian -SD Levels Green towards Turquoise.
4) The Co-ordinator- SD Level Yellow towards Beyond Turquoise.

Some of my new activities are/were delayed this month due to bureaucracy, failed group/partnership attempt, and weather, but my basic time blocking going forward (Wed/Sat/Sun will vary)is looking something like:

7-10 AM: The Co-ordinator
10-1 PM: The Co-operator
1-4 PM : The Comformist
4-8 PM : The Competitor

Now, due to challenge offered elsewhere on this forum, I am going to try to write about my actual DONE/DOING/WILL DO rather than engaging in too much further abstraction.

The Co-ordinator: Starting at 7 AM The Co-ordinator takes me through the check-off list of my Morning Routine. Most items on this list are well-established habits: make bed, weigh myself, make coffee, tidy kitchen, check calendar, check weather, update penny tracking, check e-mail etc. Then the Co-ordinator plans for my day (or for longer periods), does research/reading/journaling, updates/integrates research into planning. My reading/research this month has mostly been in the realms of entrepreneurship/innovation, polyamory, local food movement, regional economics/economics of place, and vertical gardening. MOVEMENT: BED>BATH>KITCHEN>HOME OFFICE/LIBRARY.

The Co-operator: 10 AM: The Co-operator will move forward from the clean space established by some of the basic Morning Routine items engaging Permaculture Philosophy towards a Scavenger Walk. Consults and updates EAT/COOK-PROCESS/SHOP-SCAVENGE/IDEAS list on refrigerator. Process and cook as necessary/desired. Eat first meal. Pack second meal. Bathes/Dresses. Spends 15 minutes doing daily hand wash of laundry and assorted housework such as vacuuming. Gardening tasks from kitchen hydroponics/ houseplants/mushroom bucket moving outward. Scavenger Walk: walk from front porch towards nature trail with goal of finding/identifying/collecting/foraging 10 items of interest or value. Do more standard consumer shopping only as necessary on way to next activity.

12 PM to 2 PM: In joint venture with The Conformist, in company/co-operation with some other very pleasant, intelligent humans, tutor economically disadvantaged children in basic math skills for $14.50/hr. W2 employment. Volunteering later this spring with my local community garden group will also be worked into this part of my schedule. Much of my nteraction with my polyamours/family/friends will also fit into this part of my schedule which will be flipped to evening on Saturday and/or Sunday. One of my polys is scheduled for Wednesday mornings on his way to go skiing/hiking and one usually stops by on his way up north on Saturdays, and the third I usually visit at his place which is near my kids and my mother. My virtual family book group also meets during this time.

MOVEMENT: KITCHEN/BATH/"GARDEN"/NATURE TRAIL/SCHOOL

The Conformist 12 PM to 4 PM: Mon/Tues/Thurs/Fri: Joint tutoring of disadvantage children in conformity with The Co-operator. On Wed/Sat/Sun joint activity in conpenformation with The Competitor continue study/work towards online M.S. in IT/Data Analytics driven (or not) by external motivation of grading system combined with structure of weekly due dates. MOVEMENT: confined to SCHOOL or HOME OFFICE.

The Competitor 5 to 8: Mon/Wed/Thurs: Tutor not-so-disadvantaged private students in more advanced math topics- 1099 contractor employment $25/hr. plus/minus tax deductions.

Other evenings and at least 1 morning (Saturday/Wednesday) flipped with The Co-operator: Re-boot/revise used/rare book dealing business (Schedule C- Self-employed) Attempt to re-partner on this or similar discard market/intellectual-capital venture, because I need other people with different energies. Goal: $25/hr plus/minus tax deductions. OR MORE!!!

Second meal/15 minutes HIIT weight training.

MOVEMENT: COFFEE SHOP (where I tutor private students)> LIBRARY SALES> HOME OFFICE.

END OF DAY: 8-10 PM: Snack/Free Reading

[7Wannabe5]

my tendency to be in my already bloated Adult Feminine caretaker taking-on-responsibility-where-I-don't-have-authority energy

When I am functioning at top notch, the spirit animal of my Adult Feminine energy is The Deer. When I am not functioning at top notch, the spirit animal of my Adult Feminine energy is The Cow. I am currently feeling like I am stuck in a rut like a bloated cow in a ditch or being pushed through a narrow corral towards an automatic milking machine.

Financially, I have managed to corner myself into unhappy zone on one of those interesting graphs one of you made where my income and spending are zeroing/canceling out at around $1500/month,give or take for some finagling/creative accounting. The problems I am having with getting out of this rut, in no particular order:

1) I am dependent on very expensive medical treatment in order to achieve basic function level above spending 1/3 of the day in pain and another 1/3 of the day completely exhausted from Crohn's disease.

2) Even with the very expensive treatment which helps a great deal with the pain and exhaustion, I am still limited by the fact that I pretty much need constant, close availability of bathroom facilities for several hours every morning and all day on a bad day.

3) My mother and one of my adult kids have been in crash/burn mode for the last year or so. Dealing with my mother has also put two of my sisters pretty close to the edge of losing it. My temperament is such that I am pretty good at maintaining my external behavior in crisis situation at the rough equivalent of the weather in San Diego, but there is a limit and a cost related to this.

4) My stress reactions are spacing out and distracted eating. For instance, I will "wake up" and find that I have driven 5 miles in the wrong direction with no memory of eating all the donuts in the bag crushed on floor of passenger side.

5) I am currently overweight due to (4) and out-of-shape due to year of being in pain and lack of initiative/imagination in trying to figure out how to adjust fitness routine to Crohn's disease limitations, such as not feeling "safe" being too far from a bathroom.

6) Due to all of the above, I am currently "spending" much more of my budget on "comfort" than is typical for me. For instance, standing in the cold at a bus stop seems so much worse to me now than it would have just a few years ago when I did it routinely.

7) I have run out of people in my intimate social circle with whom it would be possible/tolerable for me to share housing accommodations. My need to monopolize bathroom facilities limits my ability to find any other accommodations that would be less expensive than the $550 + utilities I am currently spending for my tiny apartment in low-rent region.

8) It would be difficult to give up my car, because of (6) and the fact that the lower-rent region where I currently reside is an hour away from the higher-rent region where most of my family currently lives.

9) My primary source of income at the moment is derived from tutoring disadvantaged kids in math for average of around $18/hr. In theory, I am scheduled to do this for around 30/hours week, but there are a lot of school holidays and my private students cancel fairly often, so works out to more like 20 hours/week.

10) This is probably a huge black/white overstatement of the situation, but due to (1) and my age (58) as it relates to taxation/retirement/years until eligible for SS/medicare/compound-interest, I feel like it behooves me to either keep my income below the level that currently qualifies me for Medicaid OR boost it way up to $80k+.

11) By process of osmosis, due to being confined to brain-in-box activities while I was feeling very ill, I am now about halfway done with grad degree that might qualify me for $80k+ job path. However, unless I bail now with break-even expenses I finagled, it will cost me around $20k and another year of spending around 16 hours/week on course work.

ROUGH RANKING OF WHAT I VALUE/WHERE I WILL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY BASED ON MY OBSERVATION OF MY BEHAVIOR (not a complete list and still a bit fuzzy):

1) Helping my kids.
2) Surviving in the short run myself.
3) Not being in physical pain most of the time. (at some level this would likely flip with (2) and the only thing that would be preventing me from taking myself out would be the likely effect on my kids.)
4) Helping my sisters, inclusive of helping them help with the problems with my mother.
5) Compensating for being in physical pain and helping others some of the time by indulging/comforting/distracting myself. (Pretty close to tie with (4)).
6) Doing my part to avoid burning up the planet and related issues such as the innumeracy of American children.
7) Achieving FI, high level of physical fitness, or similar goals for future self. (If I was younger, this would likely be flipped with (6))
8) Helping my old guy polyamours. (I do sometimes infantilize my partners, and I do nice things and take care of them when they are sick etc., but I (now)tend towards only dating men who have too much azzhole in their nature to warrant/evoke my dysfunctional caretaker tendencies as part of my P.O.P. This might be sexist, but I don't care. I might last maybe 3 months on pure sentiment in relationship with a man who is "useless to me", but that's about it.)

As usual, I am probably overthinking, but there's only so far that I can go with "doing" without addressing the underlying psychology, AKA kidding myself.

ETA:

I also took a weird fall a few weeks ago and badly sprained my left elbow/wrist and they still hurt, and I have semi-chronic bronchitis, and one of the disadvantaged tots I tutor called me a b*tch and accused me of being racist, because I didn't let him choose a prize at the end of our session yesterday due to poor behavior (sigh.) Some days, there is not enough Calgon (or generic equivalent) on the planet to restore my equanamity and rose-colored spectacles.

[Frita]

Personally, I find being a mid-aged female an interesting and often painful process. I have an 81 year old friend who I see weekly who has told me that coming out the other end is being invisible. (I certainly notice that cis men do not experience this and will avoid an unproductive rant.) On the best of days, I can see some utility in accepting things as they are and finding some space in that. Your journal entry gives me that impression too.

[arbrk]

I know you aren't looking for advice, but damn, don't be so hard on yourself. When you're dealing with an on going chronic medical condition, and dealing with your adult children going through a crisis, and also helping your siblings take care of your elderly parents... It's not the time to worry about getting your expenses below 1500 a month if you're not getting into dire financial straits. This is the time to be relieved you can afford a car and don't have to wait at a bus stop (with no bathroom) and take twice as long to get a to a location on a bus (with no bathroom). This sounds like a pretty brutal year and that's when you just go "Could I convert this from and actual problem to a money problem?" And then be happy if you can

[UrbanHomesteader]

First, I have to say you are an excellent writer and I always look forward to reading your updates.

Second, it sounds like you are juggling a lot and are balancing your priorities pretty well given the circumstances.

Third, as for the cost of grad school, are you utilizing federal loans to offset the cost? If so, being on an income based repayment plan may greatly reduce your lifetime out of pocket for the degree. I don't know the details of your situation, but it seems like it might help.

Please keep updating your journals!

[7Wannabe5]

@UrbanHomesteader:

Thanks! I have been doing some financial finagling to cover my grad school expenses, and I may be able to do even better. Obviously, if my plan was to forever keep my income as low as it is now, then I would never have to pay off any loan that I took. I'm not morally opposed to this given f*cked up state of so many things in the system, but I don't like locking myself down to narrow options.

This sounds like a pretty brutal year and that's when you just go "Could I convert this from and actual problem to a money problem?" And then be happy if you can

Yeah, I'm not really beating myself up about my current spending level. I was actually joking around with my kids that I am already probably in the 99th percentile for "not contributing to burning down the planet through excess spending" for somebody of my generation/region/level-education-achieved, so I can "morally afford" to cut myself some slack in my old age for the comfort goods. I was helping my DS34 with some financial/job-search stuff and we pulled up his social security report and in an attempt to make him feel better about recently losing his job, I noted that his total lifetime earnings are already greater than my total lifetime earnings .

That said, it is the case that $1500/month, even adjusting for inflation and years I was one of two adult members of family of four, is almost certainly my highest spending level in my adult life, and it is definitely the case that my current weight is the highest of my adult life, including the post-partum over-compensating for breast-feeding years. So, I am used to operating with a lot more slack in my system, and that is definitely my preference.

I would like to once again clearly note for the record that it's not exactly like I've been hard-focused on achieving FI or even ERE since I started participating in this forum. I've mostly been messing around with permaculture, polyamory, and reading my way through semi- random piles of books. However, it's also not like my essential generalist skill-set towards frugality/quality of life has deteriorated. If anything, I would say it has continued to improve. So, I'm afraid that I must offer the disheartening note that if/when substituting skillz for $$$, maintenance of physiological and mental health is critical. The resilient thing about skillz is "they can't take them away from you." The fragile thing about skillz is that "you" have to be able to show up to make use of them. From my current perspective, I would now estimate that my long maintained and frequently reinforced self-image or self-experience of usually being a Happy Camper in wide variety of circumstances was maybe as much as 50% responsible for my lifetime capability in the realm of frugality.

Personally, I find being a mid-aged female an interesting and often painful process. I have an 81 year old friend who I see weekly who has told me that coming out the other end is being invisible. (I certainly notice that cis men do not experience this and will avoid an unproductive rant.) On the best of days, I can see some utility in accepting things as they are and finding some space in that. Your journal entry gives me that impression too.

I'm in a better mood today, have ticked my way up a few notches on my ladder of responsbilities/priorities, but the way I have been feeling lately is more "numb" than "invisible." I mean, yes, it is definitely not the case that I am likely to experience catcalls from random construction workers, as in the days of my youth, given my age and current state of pudge-itude combined with nerd-slob general inattention to my appearance, but I also currently have 3 "partners" who are at least intermittently trying to hustle some form and level of action/attention from me. And I don't know if it is my illness, my current level of stress, late onset menopause finally killing my usually high drive, my current fat-frail condition/appearance, or the fact that all 3 of my partners are in "old relationship energy" zone, but my uniform response/reaction has become "Not this week,.", "I need some space." and/or some polite version of "If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem." This is really not like me, because usually sex is one of my go-tos for "indulging" and "distracting" myself. In fact, the last time I was in this state of "numb" (14 years ago, due to simultaneous traumas involving two loved ones almost dying, followed a few months later by being date-raped in my own office), what worked to knock me out of it was accidentally forming a relationship with an overt, old-school, NYC Dom who very politely beat me black and blue and reset my endorphin levels to joyful.

[Western Red Cedar]

So, I'm afraid that I must offer the disheartening note that if/when substituting skillz for $$$, maintenance of physiological and mental health is critical. The resilient thing about skillz is "they can't take them away from you." The fragile thing about skillz is that "you" have to be able to show up to make use of them. From my current perspective, I would now estimate that my long maintained and frequently reinforced self-image or self-experience of usually being a Happy Camper in wide variety of circumstances was maybe as much as 50% responsible for my lifetime capability in the realm of frugality.

Just wanted to pop in, wish you well, and thank you for continuing to write about your experience. The above quote, in particular, is a nice reminder for me as I think about my own approach to ERE and my personal disposition.

When I am functioning at top notch, the spirit animal of my Adult Feminine energy is The Deer. When I am not functioning at top notch, the spirit animal of my Adult Feminine energy is The Cow.

Maybe in the low-functioning moments you can envision The Cow in India

[7Wannabe5]

@Western Red Cedar:

Thanks, that is a better image.

[Frita]

I'm in a better mood today, have ticked my way up a few notches on my ladder of responsbilities/priorities, but the way I have been feeling lately is more "numb" than "invisible.”

It’s nice when some sun peeks out, both metaphorically and literally. I think of being invisible as external-focus and numbness as internal-focus with the latter resulting from overwhelm from outside sources. I appreciate numbness with awareness and metacognition as complete denial makes for a hard substitution.

It is definitely not the case that I am likely to experience catcalls from random construction workers, as in the days of my youth, given my age and current state of pudge-itude combined with nerd-slob general inattention to my appearance.

Do you miss catcalls? The downside of being thin in middle-age seems to be an increase of wrinkles and maybe looking older because of that.

…the last time I was in this state of "numb" (14 years ago, due to simultaneous traumas involving two loved ones almost dying, followed a few months later by being date-raped in my own office), what worked to knock me out of it was accidentally forming a relationship with an overt, old-school, NYC Dom who very politely beat me black and blue and reset my endorphin levels to joyful.

That sounds like beyond stressful time in your life. I think I understand the endorphin reset as my historical go-tos have been ski jumping and rollercoasters.

[7Wannabe5]

I think of being invisible as external-focus and numbness as internal-focus with the latter resulting from overwhelm from outside sources. I appreciate numbness with awareness and metacognition as complete denial makes for a hard substitution...That sounds like beyond stressful time in your life.

The great thing about my family of origin, now extending into the generation of millenial/zoomer adults who are my kids and nephews/nieces, is that we have that classic family of four sisters core structure found in "Little Women", "LIttle House on the Prairie", "Pride and Prejudice", etc, and everybody is highly intelligent, open-minded, creative, interesting, kind, warm (with notable exception of our mother who is a natural born Killer who also happens to have bi-polar disease), but also likely to be suffering from some form of cuckoo-bananas like the families from Wes Anderson movies, "The Glass Castle", "Running with Scissors", etc. We're also all pretty self-aware to the extent that our family zoom-bookgroup selection for this month is "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma."

The problem I am having in the moment is not that what is happening right now is that terrible, although it is kind of bad. It's more that there are two different things going on that are triggering me back into previous events that were highly traumatic. The first thing that is going on is that my mother is simultaneously slipping further into old age decrepitude and back into manifesting a level of bi-polar disease that is worse than it's been for a number of years. During the worst years of her bipolar disease, which were when we ranged in age from around 6 to 16 (I'm the oldest), she was extremely neglectful, intermittently raging and abusive, and out-of-control to the extent that we were basically bankrupted/impoverished as a family even though my upper-middle-class salary-man father was probably earning low six figures in 2023 dollars. Therefore, as we try to handle the issues related to my mother's increasing age-related decrepitude, my sisters and I are all being triggered back into the nightmare and chaos of dealing with her mental illness when we were kids. We finally decided that we have to always tag-team when dealing with her. None of us have ever risen to the level of even Bipolar 2, but we are all at least mildly cyclothymic, so we are also constantly having to reassure each other that we are not like our mother, because it is the case that not unlike getting gifts you don't want from a Fairy Godmother, we all have some much milder versions of at least one of her tendencies towards rage, shopping/project-mania, sugar addiction, hyper-sexuality, and petty criminality-con-artistry OR such a horror of manifesting one or all of these tendencies that we tend towards the complete opposite. Which is why I sometimes wonder whether my tendency towards frugality isn't to some dysfunctional extent reactivity to my mother's shopaholic mania.

The second thing that is going on is that my son's current crash and burn, which maybe isn't really that bad, is triggering me back to the crash and burn he had when he was 19 and he almost cut his hand off with a cleaver, and I arrived at the emergency room just in time to see fountain of blood gushing out of him. I know that my 34 year old son is not his 19 year old self anymore than he is still the happy little 4 year old he used to be, but I am worried to the extent that I haven't been sleeping well. I also feel guilty, because I think that maybe I modeled too much being happy with situations that are not ideal for my kids. For instance, there is still a level on which I think of it as being resourceful rather than dysfunctional that my son quit AA, because too much of a staunch Atheist, but he kept a copy of the map of all the local soup kitchens they gave him for worst-case scenario of just deciding to go homeless for a while.

Do you miss catcalls?

Okay, this is where I hard switch gears, and attempt to distract myself, by writing on relatively much more light-hearted topic of the masculine gaze and how it relates to dating in middle-age, which was also touched upon in ChatGPT thread due to the AI referring to you as "Babe." I may also touch on some gripes I am currently stewing based on recent experiences which tend towards offering me the perspective that it is not yet completely "safe" in the sense of "realistic" to be a post-feminist practitioner of polyamory.

Anyways, I would say for the most part I do not miss catcalls for the same reason I do not miss being surprised by somebody lobbing a water balloon at me from a second story window. OTOH, there is a sense in which I miss catcalls for the same reason I miss finding myself walking barefoot with a smile on my face, through downtown at dawn wearing the same little white dress I had on the previous evening. When I am in a great mood, and feeling like a woman in her power and full possession of my own sexuality, then sometimes a friendly catcall can be like the tip of a hat that confirms my own take on the situation.

I also think that if I made the effort, I am not completely beyond the pale of the possibility of garnering some attention in public venue. I used to work with an 80 year old woman who was recently widowed. She had a pretty face, but it was covered with web of wrinkles, and her hair was pure silver, so she basically looked her age. However, she also had enormous breasts, and I witnessed her being blatantly hit on by elderly gentlemen on more than one occasion. Men operate on a number of different levels with their on average inflated tendency towards being visual creatures. For instance, there is the level on which match is being made largely in alignment with cultural values along the lines of "looks classy and intelligent, like Grace Kelly or Diane Keaton" vs. the match being made with the particular keywords such as "enormous" most often typed in a particular gentleman's search history on PornHub vs. the match being made that has to do with subconscious recognition of feminine traits you exhibit which are in alignment with those of his mother or favorite aunt, and sometimes (not always) also the relative adjustment where a woman who is 60 will look young to a man who is 74, etc. etc.

So, for instance, one of my current lovers is 10 years older than me and so is his second wife, so I seem relatively young. His first marriage was at a young age, so he has a daughter who is not much more than 10 years younger than me. I kind of look like his daughter, which totally creeped me out the first time I saw a picture of her, until I realized "Duh, genetics, I must also look like his first wife and/or his mother." So, it is not surprising that he was pretty much in love with me at first sight, and is at least still in love with the idea of being in love with me, even though I am kind of old and only moderately pretty. Visual romantic attachment in men correlates pretty hard with "falling for a pretty/young face."

I have gone on too many dates while in possession of a mathematical brain, so a good deal of typical male behaviore has become completely predictable to me. So, for instance, I know that if a man makes any kind of positive comment about my eyes or my hair on a first date, it's like 90% likely he will ask me out again, and 80% likely that he has already decided that he wants to be my next boyfriend. However, that is not at all to negate the fact that he almost instantaneously made a somewhat different yet not entirely unrelated decision about whether it is his desire and intention to get me in bed. In addition to being mathematical, my brain is also curious, so I fairly often make the mistake of asking men questions to which I may not want the answer. So, I also know that my second "husband", who is only 7 years older than me, with whom I have also lately, and perhaps regretably, been knocking boots, instantly decided that I was his type sexually due to tight waist to large ass ratio, but it took him a minute to ask himself, in his words "If I had a face he would always want to wake up next to."

Anyways, I've become on some level more jaded, but on another level more empathetic, or even sympathetic when it comes to this tendency towards being highly visual, which also somewhat ironically also constitutes a huge blind spot for men who aren't like maybe Level Yellow self-aware. I mean women also have similar, but different, blindspots when it comes to being attracted based on signals of masculinity as opposed to what we might better value in a fellow being's humanity. For better or worse, even once self-aware, and even on a good day when in full possession of our powers, you can't logic or guilt-coerce attraction.

Okay, I'm out of steam/stream. My take on how rising vasopressin levels in older men, domestic competence, and experience with situations in which they are in charge, actually make them more likely than younger men to "Babe" or "baby doll" their partners, will have to wait for another post. Also, my tirade on how recent comments on the topic of marriage made by all three of my partners have led me to believe that they are just playing along with being polyamorous for my benefit, when really they are still gripping hard to intensely annoying level of male privilege which is baked into the cake of the conventional "relationship ladder." It's roughly analogous to believing that that you have emerged from the conventional cave of consumerism/capitalism, but then you realize, okay maybe really not so much...

[Frita]

Between genetics, epigenetics, modeling, and conditioning…argh…family stuff definitely continues. But the Seven Generations Principle is nothing new but perhaps more in our collective cultural awareness.

Witnessing others decline and/or self-destructive can be stressful. I find it can prompt me to use less mature coping mechanisms that seem like heading back into the cave, as you mentioned. But leaving again, often with a new insight and maybe even a tool, is easier.

[Ego]

Witnessing others decline and/or self-destructive can be stressful. I find it can prompt me to use less mature coping mechanisms that seem like heading back into the cave, as you mentioned. But leaving again, often with a new insight and maybe even a tool, is easier.

+1 Having had some experience as a witness, one insight I came away with is that self-distraction makes self-destruction tolerable.

As a result I have tried to be on guard to my own use of distraction and (more importantly) be aware of what I am distracting myself from. Easier said than done.

[7Wannabe5]

Witnessing others decline and/or self-destructive can be stressful. I find it can prompt me to use less mature coping mechanisms that seem like heading back into the cave, as you mentioned. But leaving again, often with a new insight and maybe even a tool, is easier.

Yes. I should note that I'm really not terribly concerned about my ability to lose the excess weight I have put on. BTDT. For me, it's emotionally at the level of "F*ck, my garage is full of junk, and it's going to take me every weekend this summer to get it cleaned out." Also, I semi-miraculously (given my sugar tooth) have zero symptoms of metabolic syndrome.

OTOH, I have been reading "The Body Keeps the Score" and apparently I have experienced a majority of the symptoms of PTSD as it is typically exhibited in women. I think I am now in the double-digits of number of times I have supported a loved one through scary major mental health incident, and also being date-raped in a space that I had carved out for myself (the office of my tiny business) certainly didn't help.

As a result I have tried to be on guard to my own use of distraction and (more importantly) be aware of what I am distracting myself from. Easier said than done.

Yup. It seems like there are 3 forms of distraction. The "being distracted" which I have no conscious power over which leads to behaviors such as the driving 5 miles out of my way without even noticing. Dysfunctional semi-conscious distraction, such as turning to sugary snack foods. But, there is also functional distraction, such as outlined in this article "The 4 Ds of Dealing with Distress."

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10 ... 1156/full]

The 4 Ds are Distract, Dilute, Develop, and Discover. Functional choices for Distract when dealing with a distressing situation include sport, exercise, social activities, nature engagement, music, daydreaming, and humor. Writing or journaling is one of the functional Discover choices. So, choosing to distract myself by writing about my humorous semi-geriatric dating adventures is a more functional choice It just cheers me up to think about being a woman in her 50s who sometimes find herself making out with a new old guy in a car parked by an abandoned pickle factory. Harmless fun for those of us well past child-bearing or family formation age.

So, the two things I am going to try to do by the end of this month will be attending an Al Anon meeting and joining the YMCA so that I can start swimming and diving again. I am hoping that being in the water will naturally shut down my digestive system so that the symptoms of Crohn's disease won't be a problem like it might be if I started nature trail hiking again as my daily routine. Obviously, swimming isn't the most convenient or least expensive sport, but it is the only one I have ever been halfway decent at due to being severely asthmatic and lacking in eye/hand co-ordination as a child, and my current lack of conditioning won't be an impediment to getting started. Yoga or dance might also be good options (I'll just inform the instructors that I might have to sometimes run out of the class to use the bathroom) which will also be available at the YMCA. However, the exit to oblivion feeling of swimming underwater is more what I am currently craving.

[Frita]

@Ego Consciously-dosed distraction versus avoidant distraction, I find, to be an ongoing challenge. If nothing else because there is always a choice with the wack—mole, head-in-the-sand option often being easier, more fun, and/or part of the cultural construct.

@5W7 Good for you coming up with a self-care plan and dosing yourself! Swimming can be helpful for trauma processing: https://onewiththewater.org/swimming-ptsd-therapy/ You mentioned “lack of eye-hand coordination as a child.” Just curious if you have mixed eye- and hand-dominance or were a lefty forced to be a righty? (I have both. Learning to play pickleball-/and getting to a middling level—was quite challenging.)

[7Wannabe5]

@Frita:

You called it! I'm right-handed, and I just gave myself a few eye dominance tests, and determined that I am quite strongly left-eye dominant. I guess it is possible to learn something brand new about yourself even in late middle age. Now all my childhood experiences of fearful squinting whenever objects were lobbed at me make perfect sense. May also apply to being voted Funniest Player on my 8th grade volleyball team, because I tried to compensate for lack of co-ordination with a variety of spastic fearlessness.

[mooretrees]

I think the water is so healing and so freaking fun. Every time I take my son swimming he has a smile on his face the WHOLE time. It's fantastic to see. It's a great option for having fun with your body....

A few comments and a question. I am always swept in by your writing, you're so fun and honest, even about the dark stuff. I wish your family and DS the best of luck with the situations you are facing.

The question...do you think a big chuck of money would make a big difference in your life right now? You are living the situation that would keep me in my job much longer than I wanted, to potentially protect from a big health scare. If you were FI, would you be doing anything differently? Lastly, can my family adopt you as a grandmother!??

[7Wannabe5]

do you think a big chuck of money would make a big difference in your life right now?

No. Two reasons. The first reason being we live in a very affluent society. So, from the societal systems level perspective, money is relatively not a problem/scarcity in my environment for the same reason that water is relatively less of a permaculture problem in Michigan than it is in Nevada. The second reason being that in solving most problems, it is better to imagine money as just one tool in the box, although it certainly may be the most efficient tool for a variety of particular problems.

Anyways, I think the more important, or interesting, questions that recent events have brought to the fore for me, is where I truly stand philosophically or rationally in relationship to:

Can humans help (truly bootstrap) themselves? Can humans help other humans?

The only thing that seems clear to me is that both the entirely individualistic and the entirely socialistic models are inefficient and wasteful, because in denial of complexity, or something like that...

can my family adopt you as a grandmother!??

Absolutely! In fact, if/when I am feeling well enough to attend some future EREFest, I will volunteer to organize activities in the kiddie care tent.

[llorona]

I read your journal with awe at your energy, the sheer number of novel thoughts tumbling through your head, and your ability to articulate them.