Figuring out what's possible

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antable
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Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2022 3:05 pm

Figuring out what's possible

Post by antable »

Hi! First post. SIngle mom, 40 years old, former education manager turned PhD student, raising a kid and a foster kid in Europe.

I'm someone who was always "good with money" and "interested in the environment", ie responsible but within the framework of consumerism. When I was married, I didn't live up to my own standards here -- maybe I was avoiding responsibility or maybe the relationship was a bit more unhealthy than I like to admit. Anyway. Almost 6 years ago we split up and after that I've built a life that I'm really happy with, overall. I've been building savings, having an affordable apartment & modest lifestyle, raising my kid and my foster kid peacefully, switching careers, picking up an old hobby, starting a PhD and building a side thing that brings in a steady income while allowing me to have the sort of effect in the world that I want to have. I've thrown some money at index funds but sneered at the FIRE movement due to thinking that 1) people in it are naively supporting extractive capitalism and high spending levels, and 2) a single mom on a PhD stipend can't achieve a high savings rate anyway.

Then I decided to take a new look at my personal finances. I turned 40 this fall and wanted to do a couple projects in the apartment. So I decided to pause my monthly savings to allow myself to spend on those two things, while simultaneously getting into detail on my everyday spending and reset my expenses. I analyzed a year of bank statements, started tracking my current spending, read some frugality/FIRE blogs, and then found these forums. COOL STUFF. Apparently I'm not the only one who wants to achieve personal financial independence while also contributing meaningfully to a more sustainable society. Good to be here.

Current status is: I have 3 months of expenses tracked, and have mixed feelings about what I see. There have been more poor spending choices than I'd like, and I have more mindless consumerist habits than I'm okay with. I'm pleased with the fact that I've funded the 40th birthday celebration and the home renovation projects I wanted without dipping into my savings. My monthly expenses (excluding one-off extras) has gone down by about 15 %, from $2075 monthly avg last year to $1800 per month on average these three months of tracking. I will make that my ceiling from now on, set aside about 10 % of my income for 'extras' (plan to take my daughter to see some of Europe by train next summer), giving me a savings rate of 36 %.

And from that point, I want to noodle about and figure out what's possible in my life and in my finances. (Hence the thread title.) I have a template budget that has a 50 % savings rate but am unsure whether or at what pace I want to move there. I'm happy with my jobs, so I don't really plan on a retired retirement. If anything, my income will go up – or more likely, I'll only accept part-time positions but they will pay me what I get now - when I have my PhD. But financial independence might enable me to do (even) more of what I want to do in the world. I also really want to make sure I live as close to ecological sustainability as possible, and I think that budget might be it. BUT I tried to get there immediately and it backfired; I felt deprived and anxious all the time. So I'll need to more a bit more slowly. Eventually I might also want to rethink my investment strategy. Index funds are pretty much voting with my money in favor of status quo or 'whatever the markets say' in the world. I am ... not in favor of status quo in the world. So. I might want to think about that yes. Not right now b/c overwhelm, but later.

For November, I want to address my comfort take-out eating habit. It's about $60 per month of coffees during the workday and burgers on the way home from work, when I'm too tired or upset to wait until I get home. I want to play around with other ways of taking care of my tired self and see if I can manage that without spending (or extraneous calories in).
Last edited by antable on Sun Nov 20, 2022 12:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

AxelHeyst
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Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by AxelHeyst »

Hi antable, welcome!

For what it's worth, I've found good success with doing lifestyle 'experiments', typically month-long, as a tool for behavior change. The tricky thing with making lifestyle changes is that we tend to like our comfortable routines, and the idea of changing our actions permanently is scary. If you think you spend too much on coffee, the idea of never buying another coffee at that great cafe down the street from the office is unattractive. Forever? :? Nah.

But going just a month without going to that or any other cafe? As an 'experiment' to learn more about yourself and your actions and what you can handle, what's possible? Well, that's not too hard. Sure, lets give it a go. Your mind tends to resist experiments less, even enjoy the novelty perhaps.

The trick is that in a month, in my experience, I've changed myself. I'll get over the two week hump of cravings, and then start to enjoy the new routine, and then when the 30 days is up, I simply don't want to go back to that cafe as much as I did.

antable
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Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by antable »

Thank you! And yes, this is good advice. I'll be using it.

antable
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Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by antable »

Major 'D'OH!' moment right now: I already know why I overspend on takeout; it's because I'm tired and stressed and want to comfort myself. In the post above, I asked myself for other possible ways to provide that pick-me-up. Sure. Fine. I already know some free ways of doing that - a nap, a few mindful breaths, keeping an apple and a book in my purse - but I ALSO know how to work with kids who act out when they are tired and stressed. For them, as their adult, I need to plan differently so they aren't put in that position of being tired and stressed in public. For them, I take responsibility to get them back home before they run out of steam.

That's the better solution for myself as well, obvs. The overspending points to the problem of overworking, and I solve that by working less.

So, tweak to the November experiment: when I do my weekly planning, I will add the step of checking for risk-for-overwork days. I will mark them and I will make a plan for them. Can I cut down on committments that day? If not, can I lower the expectations on myself to I can get through the day without pushing too hard?

ffj
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Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by ffj »

The key is to not put yourself in a position where you are thinking you are being deprived. And you accomplish this by giving yourself small little treasures as something to look forward to every day.

Take coffee. I love coffee, so much that it gets me out of bed. But instead of going to whatever niche coffeeshop you have nearby who undoubtably make great coffee, you buy the beans yourself, a grinder and a French press. All top quality. And you make it a ritual, a small treasure to look forward to and a reward for getting out of bed. And the coffee will be delicious and pennies compared to your normal $6 drink. Plus you don't lose any time because the time spent waiting for your coffee to be made at a store is roughly the amount of time it takes to make your own at home.

Same with takeout. If you are going to spend $15 at a drive through then instead go to your supermarket and tell yourself you have $15 to spend on anything you want, top quality. You'll end up making a nice meal with leftovers for lunch the next day and feel good versus eating a shitty burger.

Don't deprive yourself but find ways to reward behavior you want to see. It's a great feeling knowing you are getting a two for one on everything you do.

antable
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Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by antable »

Hello ffj and thank you for your suggestion :) yeah, prepared 'luxuries' might be something to include in my efforts to prevent stress-induced impulse spending.

DutchGirl
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Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by DutchGirl »

Yup. I made my boyfriend steak today. The 300 grams of meat cost 7 euros in the supermarket, which is a lot. But I'm sure if you went to a restaurant here, it would cost at least 15 euros. Maybe something like 19,50 even.

I wish you success, antable!

antable
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Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by antable »

Missed your reply, DutchGirl; thanks!

So far in November, I've had one emotionally scary thing happen with one of my kids, and one financially scary thing happen with one of my jobs. Both will probably turn out just fine. But the stress reactions were of the type that would cause me to get a lot of junk food expenses. I just tallied them up for the month so far and they're just $18. I'm going to say that I'm doing well on the assignment to prevent emotional junk food spending.

Also, noticing. Work (PhD program and side writing & public speaking) is taking up a lot of energy. That's not weird; that's what research and public outreach does. It's fun and challenging and mentally rewarding. But I'm longing for more rest, more fun, more play, more human connection outside of work things.

antable
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Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2022 3:05 pm

Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by antable »

Starting point of sorts.

I expect some major life changes after I defend my thesis in a couple years. After that, I will probably still have an income from work, but I have a couple different ideas that would take me in very different directions. I'm figuring out what's possible step by step. Until then, I mostly want to hunker down, lower my appetite for consumption, increase my skills and the joy I find in doing free and productive stuff, and get around to planning for the future at a leisurely pace.

Some numbers:

Invested money totals to $37K in taxable accounts and $185K in a retirement account. I have an apartment valued at $220K with a mortgage for half of that, fixed interest 1.39 %, no amortization until 2025. Also have about $10K left in interest-free student loans and pay off about $1K per year on that.

Take-home pay: about $3100 per month.

Last year, I didn't track my spending, just made sure that I saved somewhere around 20 %. Last quarter, I've been tracking in detail, and am looking at what and how to reduce. The breakdown of these periods related to my current idea of a goal budget looks like this:

Last year, average monthly from what going over my credit card statements tell me:
FIXED STUFF - $790 expense, plus $95 payoff of debt principal
Housing $540 (incl utilities and internet)
Cellphones $40 (two kids + me)
Insurance $55
Joint kid account $155
Student loans $95

NECESSARY BUT FLEXIBLE - $575
Food $315
Transportation $80
Medical & glasses $30
Tech stuff & house repairs $150

LUXURIES - $615
Eating out & alcohol - $240
Clothing & haircuts - $80
Shopping, other - $100
Subscriptions - $40
Family outings - §65
Social life w/o kids - §60
Giving - $30

TOTAL $1980 --> savings should have been $1025 plus student loan payment, but they weren't. I think vacations and larger purchases aren't fully included here.

For the last quarter (Aug - Oct), expenses have averaged to:

FIXED - $790 same as above

FLEXIBLE - $550
Food - $263
Transportation - $45 (artificially low these months)
Medical - $12
Tech & house stuff - $150 (this includes a new cell phone)
Misc unanticipated expenses and fees - $80 (me messing up like not having canceled stuff; forgot things at home while traveling, etc)

LUXURIES - $420
Eating out & alcohol - $200
Clothing - $25
Shopping & gifts - $45
Subscriptions - $40
Family stuff - $30
Social life w/o kids - $50
Giving - $30

TOTAL - $1760 --> Savings could have been $1245 ≈ 40 % plus student loan payment, but most of this I used for projects around the house and for my birthday.

Potential "50 % savings rate budget" - I have not committed to this yet, just getting used to the thought and trying to pinpoint what the changes would mean:

FIXED - $790 same as above. This will increase slightly next year due to inflation.

FLEXIBLE - $425
Food - $275
Transportation - $70
Tech & house stuff - $50
Medical - $30

LUXURIES - $335
Eating out & alcohol - $140
Family outings - $50
Social life w/o kids - $50
Subscriptions - $20
Clothing - $20
Shopping & gifts - $20
Giving - $35

TOTAL 1550 --> Savings 1550 = 50 %

This budget would mostly mean that I wouldn't be replacing house & tech stuff as much, eating out less, not forgetting stuff and having to pay for stuff I don't need. But it's not entirely out of reach: I've already lowered my expenses by $220 and this would mean lowering another $210. Mhm, mhm. Probably possible. If I want to. Do I want to? My main motivation isn't amassing money but freeing myself from overconsumption. I'm not yet sure what constitutes 'over'-consumption for me.

These past three months I've noticed that I don't mind giving up purchases that are just for me; quite the contrary. I've almost entirely stopped buying books (!!!) and am instead relying on the library. But I DO NOT say no to a beer with my coworkers or turn down a suggestion to go out for dinner. Right. That makes sense. I'm single and live in a city and having a social life means eating out - at the moment. Maybe I'll find other ways to meet my social needs eventually, but I'm not going to push it right now. Just stick with the attempt to cut down on stress-driven, lonely eating out.

I'll stop here for now and see what November outcome is before making any decisions. If something comes up it might end up looking like these past three months, but so far it's a bit less expensive.

(edited a couple typos in the numbers)
Last edited by antable on Mon Nov 28, 2022 2:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

antable
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Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by antable »

This weekend, my daughter's favorite scrunchie (hair accessory) broke. Without thinking, I said, "I can fix it" and started sewing. I'm not new to mending clothes, but I typically wouldn't do it for something as simple as a scrunchie. What was new here was that I didn't make the choice to toss vs to mend based on cost or how much work it would take to fix it. Instead, I just acknowledged it as a loved item and made sure to take care of it. I like this change.

Got on the scale again this week and it confirmed what I had already felt: my weight has gone up while dealing with a bunch of stressors in October and November. So now I'm spending four weeks carefully planning and monitoring my eating. Then new check-in after Christmas and probably resume it then. I *want* to find the joy in this, or at least the mindfulness in it. It's much like watching my spending, really. The trick is to find contentment and even delight in eating/spending what I need and nothing else. But also: ouf.

I started doing daily yoga to help. Completed day 8 today. The idea is to complete 100 days in a row to see me through the darkest patch of the year. Then see if I can take up running or if the roads are too icy.

antable
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Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by antable »

November numbers are in!

Expenses by category (Avg last year / avg last quarter / November)

FIXED: 790 / 790 / 794

FLEXIBLE: 575 / 550 / 427 (goal: 425)
Food: 315 / 263 / 285
Transportation: 80 / 45 / 59
Tech & house stuff: 150 / 150 / 0
Medical: 30 / 12 / 69
Kid's allowance: Not recorded / Not recorded / 14

LUXURIES: 615 / 420 / 368 (goal: 335)
Eating out & alcohol: 240 / 197 / 164
Clothing & haircuts: 80 / 25 / 9
Shopping & gifts: 100 / 45 / 11
Subscriptions: 40 / 40 / 30
Family outings: 65 / 50 / 57
Social life w/o kids: 60 / 50 / 30
Giving: 30 / 30 / 13

TOTAL: 1980 / 1760 / 1589 (goal: 1550)
Sent §636 to investment accounts, used $95 to pay down student loans, $100 on Christmas stuff, and increased my bank account balance by about $834. Saving rate the way I calculate it was 46 %. (Figures are a little wonky because I use a different currency, and am still dialing in how I'm recording things.)

***** Reflections on the numbers *****

1. COOL! A 50 % saving rate is apparently very possible. This month I spent 'extra' money on a hike with my daughter, and on vaccinations for the two of us. Without either one of them, I would have been at the goal budget level.

2. My focus was on being more mindful about the eating out category. I did cut down the amount on eating out that I, in hindsight, feel is a waste by about half (from 60 to 30). More importanly, I got more clarity on some other things. My eating out is mostly about meeting the need for social connection. I can do some things to lower this -- to meet my social needs more cheaply -- but I don't think this is going to get a lot lower without feeling deprivation in the near future. I've figured out some tricks, like if I bring a bottle of wine I can get people to drink wine with me without going out. If we do go out, I can get non-alcoholic drinks that are cheaper.

3. I go back and forth between feeling deprived and feeling resourceful and creative. Clearly, 'resourceful and creative' is where the joy of frugality lies.

4. I want to give more. I'll sit down during my Christmas break to brainstorm how.

***** Reflections on the month in general *****
PhD work is going well. That rubs off on my outside work; I've been focused and productive and have navigated some thorny situations well. I do, however, feel uncomfortable and stupid and wary of approaching more senior researchers in a way that I think holds me back a little.

I feel exhausted and apathetic with regards to some events that have transpired around my son. But it might not be a disaster. It might be me letting go of parenting him a bit. He's turning 18 next year. This might just be the way of it, it might be what letting go feels like.

***** Focus for next month *****
Food is getting really expensive. In December, I'm going to try being *very* mindful about food in the weeks that I don't have the kids, and see if that opens up for eating more of what we want when the kids are here.

I have about one week of fairly hard work left. Then one week of going away for a class and a conference in which I don't have anything to present, nobody I need to impress. I'm going to focus on enjoying being in a new city, and on practicing small talk and networking.

Going to keep up the daily yoga, and play with the idea of sleeping more. No hard and fast rules but just ... allowing it to happen, I think that would be nice.

DutchGirl
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Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by DutchGirl »

I think you can be very pleased with how things went in November. Well done. Good luck with the hard work and I hope you enjoy the class and conference and the city in which it is held a lot.

antable
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Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by antable »

DutchGirl wrote:
Sun Dec 04, 2022 1:21 pm
I think you can be very pleased with how things went in November. Well done. Good luck with the hard work and I hope you enjoy the class and conference and the city in which it is held a lot.
Thanks! Yeah I'm really pleased and pleasantly surprised. Will make sure to enjoy the trip (while exploring how to enjoy trips w/o spending mindlessly!)

antable
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Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by antable »

antable wrote:
Sun Dec 04, 2022 12:25 pm
I have about one week of fairly hard work left. Then one week of going away for a class and a conference in which I don't have anything to present, nobody I need to impress. I'm going to focus on enjoying being in a new city, and on practicing small talk and networking.

Going to keep up the daily yoga, and play with the idea of sleeping more. No hard and fast rules but just ... allowing it to happen, I think that would be nice.
The fairly-hard-week is over. I didn't do everything that I planned to do; it was too much. The yoga fell by the roadside. What I did, I did well. A breath for the good and the bad of this. For now, I'm going away until Friday, then taking Saturday to recover. Next Sunday through Wednesday, I have two texts to finish. It's not ideal but it's workable.

Plugging along quite nicely with the (non-)spending. As I accept the present reality that some eating out is important to me, I find I'm very happy with not spending much on anything else. The financial stress went away as soon as I started tracking expenses in August, and now I'm even having a positive sense of serenity around my financial situation. Which is interesting as the media is going on and on and on about the cost of living crisis.

Next step: try to just be present with the class and conference experience.

antable
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Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2022 3:05 pm

Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by antable »

Well. The class and conference experience was ... an interesting experience. The teachers for the class didn't show up in the classroom, but we learned once we were there that they were teaching it online. Then I got sick and missed most of the conference. What I did see of it really makes me think twice about a future as a researcher.

I am *so* glad to be back home. Still processing the emotions from that experience. Yesterday, I mostly just cried. Right now I feel like giving up the PhD completely. I won't; I'm going to give myself some time to let these emotions move through me and then think about why I'm doing it and how I want to be doing it.

Focus for rest of December: do Christmas holidays with my kids. After that, they go to their dad's, and I'll have time to think through my priorities and what I need to find joy in the work.

OutOfTheBlue
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Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by OutOfTheBlue »

antable wrote:
Sun Dec 18, 2022 1:34 pm
What I did see of it really makes me think twice about a future as a researcher.
Sorry to hear you had a rough week. Hang on in there. If it is something you can share, what is your PhD domain? And what was it that makes you think twice?

Looks like you will have some time to think, recover, enjoy some holiday time with the kids and spend some quality time on your own over the next few weeks, which is nice!

antable
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Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2022 3:05 pm

Re: Figuring out what's possible

Post by antable »

OutOfTheBlue wrote:
Mon Dec 19, 2022 9:51 am
Sorry to hear you had a rough week. Hang on in there. If it is something you can share, what is your PhD domain? And what was it that makes you think twice?
I'm in a subfield of business administration, which, at least the parts of which that were represented at the conference, falls into two streams that I think are stupid. There might be a third stream which is closer to my ideals for what research should be like, but I have trouble finding active representatives of it, and I'm thinking going it alone might be more lonesome work than I really want to be doing in this one short life.

But maybe? Academica is lonesome but there's freedom in loneliness. I'll take a week off, hug my kids and deck the halls, and see if I can find some new inspiration in the new year.

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