Given your context of navigating a disability, I think more forgiveness is warranted around food budgeting. Especially while juggling the demands of work. The hourly return on that effort is low. When time or energy is constrained, buying the problem away is a very sound strategy IMO. Better that the energy goes into your PT, sports, etc. The last thing you want, is to end up in a downward spiral, caused by trying to save $50 on this week's food.
Looking at your budget and desire to stay in the Bay area, I wonder about house hacking strategies. Maybe not while working, but as part of the overall retirement or semi-retirement picture. While ownership costs are prohibitive, would any options like air bnb, house sitting, care giving or property management be viable? The cost of rent is crushing, relative to every other category.
Maybe that's another way of framing the part time angle? House hacking vs. minimum wage employment?
ER(E) with a disability
Re: ER(E) with a disability
Your first point is extremely true. I'll probably adjust the budget to be more accommodating as the weeks go on with using it. I'd like to be aware of my lifestyle inflation, not necessarily restrict myself when I'm actually getting healthier / retaining health by getting high calorie high carb food by getting DoorDash.Scott 2 wrote: ↑Fri Aug 19, 2022 1:25 pmGiven your context of navigating a disability, I think more forgiveness is warranted around food budgeting. Especially while juggling the demands of work. The hourly return on that effort is low. When time or energy is constrained, buying the problem away is a very sound strategy IMO. Better that the energy goes into your PT, sports, etc. The last thing you want, is to end up in a downward spiral, caused by trying to save $50 on this week's food.
Looking at your budget and desire to stay in the Bay area, I wonder about house hacking strategies. Maybe not while working, but as part of the overall retirement or semi-retirement picture. While ownership costs are prohibitive, would any options like air bnb, house sitting, care giving or property management be viable? The cost of rent is crushing, relative to every other category.
Maybe that's another way of framing the part time angle? House hacking vs. minimum wage employment?
I think house hacking is possible. It's not something I have the time to look into right now, hence putting out the option to rent a room for $900-1000 unlocking sub-$1m retirement. I'm not sure Airbnb would be more reliably profitable than simply having an apartmentmate. Airbnb would just be riskier when a very viable part time job option here is pet sitting / dog walking, weekend shifts at restaurants, etc..
I think the real house hacking option would be finding a more cash-only call-on-the-phone rental in an in-law unit or something for in between the cost of a room and my current apartment. I definitely know people who have $1250 solo rents in the Bay Area, they just tend to be tiny basement apartments that aren't very pleasant as far as sunlight goes. It's not impossible nor particularly difficult to find. (Just currently not interested because my commute / grocery store proximity is perfect for someone who's working and doesn't have a car. I'm estimating rent with my current situation.)
Re: ER(E) with a disability
Who Am I, Really?
I feel as though out of defensiveness, I've spent a lot of focus in this journal on my spending. I was afraid, from interacting with the general FIRE community -- that my spending considerations would be met with outright dismissal. With people like MMM advocating against health insurance and the popular (especially post-COVID) FIRE tactic being to move to a lower cost of living area and simply buy a house, my insistence on avoiding both of these made me fear being open about that and the first couple of months.
But, I feel I identify more with the ERE side than the FIRE side of things, although I know my high spending doesn't seem like this. So, I'm happy to be here. I'm happy that I haven't been met with dismissal, so I'd like to be more open about life philosophy and stuff now.
So, let’s talk about who I am, apart from the attachment to the Bay Area, apart from my insistence on a large healthcare buffer, and apart from my desire to live alone.
I first discovered ERE and FIRE around 10 years ago, at the age of 15. I became disabled as a young teenager and I always knew I would never be able to sustain the full career path. I was also fairly abandoned by family when it comes to my disabilities and a lack of control (financial and otherwise) over my healthcare has had a huge influence on the power I see money wielding. (As you've seen here on this journal, I'm extremely insistent on having out-of-network coverage. I want to be able to see any doctor I want.)
I became functional enough to hold down a job just 4.5 years ago, it was Thanksgiving 2017. I had (and still am having) an extremely difficult time adjusting to fitting in with the "normals," who were so confident in the length of time they'd have to continue making money. I kind of had to "learn to spend" over these years (I don't regret this), learn to fit in with people who led very different lives than I did, and learn to get over the desire to hide that I am and feel different from these people.
I was just starting to get used to my new life and seeing the possibilities open up when I had a small mental breakdown followed by what I now know is the progression of my disability beginning again.
I believe this is a topic of interest to people on this forum -- after my breakdown and a lifetime of swearing off therapy due to a lack of empathy for people living on the edge, I tried a new type of therapy. I saw EMDR as an option and I did it. It honestly worked and it's still crazy to me that it did.
EMDR is a very interesting type of therapy because it doesn't really involve talking very much (so it's not like either CBT, Freudian couch therapy, or like what's very common these days, psychdynamic "talk therapy" what you think of as therapist as friend). It involves trying to correct early traumatic memories in your head by writing over them, basically. You think about them while you watch a swinging pendulum of some sort, mine was on Zoom so there was a software that had a ball go across a screen at a really rapid pace.
I can't explain why it worked, but it was one of the most intense mental things I've ever been through. I got manic and exhausted after every session, it lasted 6 weeks total, I was supposed to go through the second half of the therapy but I ran out of insurance coverage, basically. But, where I ended up was a complete reset of the anger... the fire inside of my belly... about my medical trauma and how my family treated me. There was a sudden lightness to my spirit, I no longer felt I had to apologize for being disabled, no longer had to keep up with what the normals do (we'll get into that in a bit).
It's been almost a year since that, and I can safely say that it's stuck with me. I had an extremely difficult time adjusting to it, but it was really, really worth it. My relationship to my family has completely reset and I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin -- my disabled skin.
This is very useful because as I said, my disability is developing again. It's hard to explain what my disability is and I wouldn't prefer any judgment, so let's just summarize it with one of the symptoms that I have. I am experiencing a sort of cognitive decline. I find it difficult to read (I often do audio with accompanying Kindle open and I can still only sustain that for an hour), I don't enjoy watching TV beyond 1 or 2 episodes a day, I'm just not a binger which is where society is going. I have a slow reaction that sometimes makes talking to strangers while navigating a new terrain difficult (not a party but like a cashier interaction in a mall). You get the gist.
For someone who spent a lot of my youth and my disabled teen years within my room, often what I felt I had to keep up with people on was media consumption. I should be reading X, everyone's watching X, etc.. I feel especially in today's world, there's so much advice about how to fill every moment with a sort of productivity. Waiting in line at the pharmacy? Pull out the Kindle app on your phone! Get some reading time in! On the train home from work? Watch an episode of TV! Your backlog is never-ending!
One of the biggest changes I've made post-therapy and in my adjustment to my even-lowered cognitive ability is to stop pursuing that endless media crunch. I don't really have a list (I haven't read a book in months, my to-read list is less than 10) of things to constantly fill my time with anymore. I leave the options open, but I'm not obligated to fulfill anyone's timelines or to even keep a set of consistency/completion with consuming something like TV.
Of course, easier said than done in today's world, but I'm trying my best. That's why I've been spending so much money on sports in particular -- sports are social, they don't require much cognitive ability, and the feeling I'm trying to pursue this year is a sense of strength. I'm committed to living alone and the therapy has caused me to distance myself from my family, and I think a big part of feeling in control of that will be feeling strong. (Keep in mind I spent most of my teens in bedrest due to the disability, so this is a tall order!)
I'm sort of in the pursuit of being able to cycle 80 miles (including steep hills for several miles), to be able to do a push-up, pull-up, and burpee, and to play tennis every week. I'd also like to eventually be able to run 3 miles at a time. If anyone's interested, a YouTube video that summarizes my philosophy on fitness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUlj3agnE84
If anyone would like to speak further about fitness -- either bodyweight or stamina pursuits, I've done a lot of research on this and it's definitely a topic of interest of mine.
I also took up volunteering this year, and I would generally say that I live a "simple living" sort of lifestyle, just an urban version. I spend as much time as possible out in the city (not so much nature, nature doesn't jive too well with me) and away from screens and the cognitive load that they bring as much as possible. (But old habits die hard.)
I would generally consider myself to be a happy person, even before the therapy. I feel grateful to exist every day. I wake up and I look at my apartment and I am in awe of the luxury I live in. Every single one of my luxuries feels like a blessing and although I have a few things I need to get rid of, my accumulation stage these past few years has brought me nothing but joy and contentment as I transition into adulthood from what I'd call a state of teenage deprivation. This is why I'm hesitant to give it up. I really love my life, I just hate work. It should be pretty obvious why having a decreased cognitive state makes work as a programmer difficult.
I'd say I have to rest a lot, and as my disability worsens, I have to rest even more than before. I'm seeing a new doctor (not a NEW doctor, I'm still with my old doctor, he's just back at home where I moved from and wants me to start seeing a local specialist) in 2 weeks and yeah... I started this journal because I knew this was all coming, and I'm already so grateful for the eye-opening on my finances which will allow me to POSSIBLY (ideally I still wouldn't) be able to retire in 3 years at the age of 28. Let's talk about living now!
I think I have a pretty interesting lifestyle. As I said above, happy to talk about either therapy, fitness, or about my life philosophy as someone who has to rest a lot -- even has to rest from other peoples' ideas of rest!
By the way, the writer in this community whose work I identify most with is Robert Wringham over at https://newescapologist.co.uk. I don't really identify with the resilience and ecology stuff from ERE since I'm already in a fragile position. I enjoy Rob's emphasis on the embrace of laziness and lightness of spirit. He interviewed Jacob eons ago for his magazine, something I own every issue of!
(Spending update coming on September 1st or 2nd still, I just need to journal that for myself, but this kind of stuff will probably be more interesting to talk about moving forward.)
IRRELEVANT QUESTION: Is there a way to edit your original topic posting like @AxelHeyst does when he has important posts? I feel that someone shouldn''t need to dig in 3 pages to see the most important posts I've written.
I feel as though out of defensiveness, I've spent a lot of focus in this journal on my spending. I was afraid, from interacting with the general FIRE community -- that my spending considerations would be met with outright dismissal. With people like MMM advocating against health insurance and the popular (especially post-COVID) FIRE tactic being to move to a lower cost of living area and simply buy a house, my insistence on avoiding both of these made me fear being open about that and the first couple of months.
But, I feel I identify more with the ERE side than the FIRE side of things, although I know my high spending doesn't seem like this. So, I'm happy to be here. I'm happy that I haven't been met with dismissal, so I'd like to be more open about life philosophy and stuff now.
So, let’s talk about who I am, apart from the attachment to the Bay Area, apart from my insistence on a large healthcare buffer, and apart from my desire to live alone.
I first discovered ERE and FIRE around 10 years ago, at the age of 15. I became disabled as a young teenager and I always knew I would never be able to sustain the full career path. I was also fairly abandoned by family when it comes to my disabilities and a lack of control (financial and otherwise) over my healthcare has had a huge influence on the power I see money wielding. (As you've seen here on this journal, I'm extremely insistent on having out-of-network coverage. I want to be able to see any doctor I want.)
I became functional enough to hold down a job just 4.5 years ago, it was Thanksgiving 2017. I had (and still am having) an extremely difficult time adjusting to fitting in with the "normals," who were so confident in the length of time they'd have to continue making money. I kind of had to "learn to spend" over these years (I don't regret this), learn to fit in with people who led very different lives than I did, and learn to get over the desire to hide that I am and feel different from these people.
I was just starting to get used to my new life and seeing the possibilities open up when I had a small mental breakdown followed by what I now know is the progression of my disability beginning again.
I believe this is a topic of interest to people on this forum -- after my breakdown and a lifetime of swearing off therapy due to a lack of empathy for people living on the edge, I tried a new type of therapy. I saw EMDR as an option and I did it. It honestly worked and it's still crazy to me that it did.
EMDR is a very interesting type of therapy because it doesn't really involve talking very much (so it's not like either CBT, Freudian couch therapy, or like what's very common these days, psychdynamic "talk therapy" what you think of as therapist as friend). It involves trying to correct early traumatic memories in your head by writing over them, basically. You think about them while you watch a swinging pendulum of some sort, mine was on Zoom so there was a software that had a ball go across a screen at a really rapid pace.
I can't explain why it worked, but it was one of the most intense mental things I've ever been through. I got manic and exhausted after every session, it lasted 6 weeks total, I was supposed to go through the second half of the therapy but I ran out of insurance coverage, basically. But, where I ended up was a complete reset of the anger... the fire inside of my belly... about my medical trauma and how my family treated me. There was a sudden lightness to my spirit, I no longer felt I had to apologize for being disabled, no longer had to keep up with what the normals do (we'll get into that in a bit).
It's been almost a year since that, and I can safely say that it's stuck with me. I had an extremely difficult time adjusting to it, but it was really, really worth it. My relationship to my family has completely reset and I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin -- my disabled skin.
This is very useful because as I said, my disability is developing again. It's hard to explain what my disability is and I wouldn't prefer any judgment, so let's just summarize it with one of the symptoms that I have. I am experiencing a sort of cognitive decline. I find it difficult to read (I often do audio with accompanying Kindle open and I can still only sustain that for an hour), I don't enjoy watching TV beyond 1 or 2 episodes a day, I'm just not a binger which is where society is going. I have a slow reaction that sometimes makes talking to strangers while navigating a new terrain difficult (not a party but like a cashier interaction in a mall). You get the gist.
For someone who spent a lot of my youth and my disabled teen years within my room, often what I felt I had to keep up with people on was media consumption. I should be reading X, everyone's watching X, etc.. I feel especially in today's world, there's so much advice about how to fill every moment with a sort of productivity. Waiting in line at the pharmacy? Pull out the Kindle app on your phone! Get some reading time in! On the train home from work? Watch an episode of TV! Your backlog is never-ending!
One of the biggest changes I've made post-therapy and in my adjustment to my even-lowered cognitive ability is to stop pursuing that endless media crunch. I don't really have a list (I haven't read a book in months, my to-read list is less than 10) of things to constantly fill my time with anymore. I leave the options open, but I'm not obligated to fulfill anyone's timelines or to even keep a set of consistency/completion with consuming something like TV.
Of course, easier said than done in today's world, but I'm trying my best. That's why I've been spending so much money on sports in particular -- sports are social, they don't require much cognitive ability, and the feeling I'm trying to pursue this year is a sense of strength. I'm committed to living alone and the therapy has caused me to distance myself from my family, and I think a big part of feeling in control of that will be feeling strong. (Keep in mind I spent most of my teens in bedrest due to the disability, so this is a tall order!)
I'm sort of in the pursuit of being able to cycle 80 miles (including steep hills for several miles), to be able to do a push-up, pull-up, and burpee, and to play tennis every week. I'd also like to eventually be able to run 3 miles at a time. If anyone's interested, a YouTube video that summarizes my philosophy on fitness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUlj3agnE84
If anyone would like to speak further about fitness -- either bodyweight or stamina pursuits, I've done a lot of research on this and it's definitely a topic of interest of mine.
I also took up volunteering this year, and I would generally say that I live a "simple living" sort of lifestyle, just an urban version. I spend as much time as possible out in the city (not so much nature, nature doesn't jive too well with me) and away from screens and the cognitive load that they bring as much as possible. (But old habits die hard.)
I would generally consider myself to be a happy person, even before the therapy. I feel grateful to exist every day. I wake up and I look at my apartment and I am in awe of the luxury I live in. Every single one of my luxuries feels like a blessing and although I have a few things I need to get rid of, my accumulation stage these past few years has brought me nothing but joy and contentment as I transition into adulthood from what I'd call a state of teenage deprivation. This is why I'm hesitant to give it up. I really love my life, I just hate work. It should be pretty obvious why having a decreased cognitive state makes work as a programmer difficult.
I'd say I have to rest a lot, and as my disability worsens, I have to rest even more than before. I'm seeing a new doctor (not a NEW doctor, I'm still with my old doctor, he's just back at home where I moved from and wants me to start seeing a local specialist) in 2 weeks and yeah... I started this journal because I knew this was all coming, and I'm already so grateful for the eye-opening on my finances which will allow me to POSSIBLY (ideally I still wouldn't) be able to retire in 3 years at the age of 28. Let's talk about living now!
I think I have a pretty interesting lifestyle. As I said above, happy to talk about either therapy, fitness, or about my life philosophy as someone who has to rest a lot -- even has to rest from other peoples' ideas of rest!
By the way, the writer in this community whose work I identify most with is Robert Wringham over at https://newescapologist.co.uk. I don't really identify with the resilience and ecology stuff from ERE since I'm already in a fragile position. I enjoy Rob's emphasis on the embrace of laziness and lightness of spirit. He interviewed Jacob eons ago for his magazine, something I own every issue of!
(Spending update coming on September 1st or 2nd still, I just need to journal that for myself, but this kind of stuff will probably be more interesting to talk about moving forward.)
IRRELEVANT QUESTION: Is there a way to edit your original topic posting like @AxelHeyst does when he has important posts? I feel that someone shouldn''t need to dig in 3 pages to see the most important posts I've written.
Re: ER(E) with a disability
Thank you for sharing this dude. The EMDR bit was interesting to me - it's amazing it also works through a screen and over zoom. As I've said elsewhere, I got my hands on therapist manuals and hack-diy-ed mine. My experience matches yours: intense, but it made a change. I don't think I'm done with mine - as far as I can tell, the way it's worked out for me is that I've reduced the intensity to everything but fully fixed nothing. There are advantages to it being done by an actual professional, but if you're fairly confident that what you're dealing with is not of the sort of intensity where retraumatizing yourself is a concern, I fully recommend diy-ing the rest of yours, too.
It's pretty amazing how far you've gone, and it's admirable that you keep working on shit and you aren't giving up. I'll be following along as you discuss what works for you and what doesn't and how things turn out.
Would you be comfortable sharing what you do for work? Im curious mostly because I'm curious to know what sort of emplyment could work with your disability.
It's pretty amazing how far you've gone, and it's admirable that you keep working on shit and you aren't giving up. I'll be following along as you discuss what works for you and what doesn't and how things turn out.
Would you be comfortable sharing what you do for work? Im curious mostly because I'm curious to know what sort of emplyment could work with your disability.
Re: ER(E) with a disability
Thank you! I really appreciate it.
I'm not too interested in DIYing as I think it would involve too much commitment to get to a competent level. I'm curious though from your reading, what does the post-epiphany stage of EMDR give? What's the goal of the second half of it? I had an insurance change in 2022, so when I have free time away from disability doctors, I could go to therapy again, I just don't see a reason.
Yes, I believe I mentioned this in a couple of places but I'll be more explicit about it -- I'm a stereotypical Bay Area Software Engineer. This may seem like an odd choice but makes sense when you consider:
1) I have no college degree and spent my college years in intensive treatment.
2) I wanted something that would pay a lot very young because I never expected to make it into my 60s, my original plan was stopping at 40.
3) The Bay Area is really good for my health, both on my body and also just the independence I have here without a vehicle. (I tried 2 of the 3 other major cities in the US and they were horrible. Just haven't tried Chicago.)
I have a disability accommodation for on call (I need rest between my daily treatments or I won't be functional), and I don't feel shy in saying I get away with it because I'm surprisingly pretty dang good at what I do. I work for corporate tech company that has good work life balance and my manager considers me to be one of the most detail-oriented people on the team. It's funny because I have such a hard time with detail due to my disability!
But, yeah, I think I'm just talented. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be even more talented without the disability? But, I think it's a secret superpower -- it gives me a laser focus and I don't have the patience for new, flashy things. Most of the more weathered folks I work with especially think I'm very talented, because that kind of focus on the fundamentals tends to come with age. Little do they know... (Only HR and my manager know I have a disability and they don't know the details beyond the accommodation request.)
Re: ER(E) with a disability
So, idk how your professional therapist did your EMDR, but this is what is supposed to happen according to the manuals I read:
First, step zero, you're supposed to connect to some nice or neutral or "happy" place where you can rest and take a breather if things get too much working on the main issue. You're supposed to do the eye movements while being connected to that.
Then, you're supposed to identify an issue to work on - an insecurity, or a particular traumatic event, or a particular emotion, etc. Let's say you want to work on "anger." Broad and general right. The therapist is supposed to ask you to find a cognition (thought) that expressed whatever shit it is you're working on: "I'm worthless" or "I want to kill her" or whatever. You're supposed to evaluate how true this feels on a ten-point scale, and you're supposed to rank how much distress it causes you/how intense it is. E.g. you might decide "I want to kill her" is a 8 truth and a 9 intensity.
Next, you find a keystone memory - usually something foundational that happened when you were fairly young - that comes to mind as being linked to this "I want to kill her" vibe. Some therapists would deliberately direct you to find the earliest instance.
Now that you've got your memory, you "go there" and you do your movements while connected to it. Every now and then the therapist would ask you "what are you getting," partially to ground you in the present and partially to give you a rest. Then they will say, "alright stay with that" and you will do more eye movements. This is also to communicate to your therapist where you are in processing the thing. If you started with "I want to kill her" and you're now at crying and thinking, "She was my mom and I was a child, how do you *do* that to a child, no child deserves that" then you're probably fairly far along in processing your memory. If you're at, "She was working 3 jobs and her husband was a piece of shit, she must've been barely holding it together" then you're fairly close to done probably.
At each of these stages, the therapist might also ask you to connect with the original cognition - "I want to kill her" - and assess how true it feels now and how much distress it brings you now. This is to reassure you that the process is working, but also to tell the therapist how done you are - sometimes, if you started at a 9 and you now report a 4, the therapist would ask, "what stops it being a 3?" or "what stops it being a zero?" Then, as you answer, you'll probably connect to more shit still left to "mop up" and the therapist will ask you to stay with that and do the movements.
As you go, the cognitions you report should be changing: say, from "Something must be wrong with me for me to deserve that" and "I want to kill her" to "I was just a child" and "She was on her own and overwhelmed." The therapist should zero in on one of these cognitions and choose the one which carries an idea of the new understanding you've gotten of the problem - "I was just a child, every child deserves compassion and care." Then the therapist would ask you to do the eye movements on that and assess how true it feels. You might circle back to the original memory and cognition, you might try with another beneficial cognition, etc. The idea is to get you to relief.
All of this was to say that while the examples I studied had this whole process completed beginning to end for each memory/cognition. The process can be divided into set-up, processing, and integration (the work with the positive cognitions). I am assuming the "second part" has to do with working on integration and with finding extra stuff to mop up. If you've already dealt with the very intense parts, doing the mop-up on your own should be fairly benign.
Is that what happened for you?
First, step zero, you're supposed to connect to some nice or neutral or "happy" place where you can rest and take a breather if things get too much working on the main issue. You're supposed to do the eye movements while being connected to that.
Then, you're supposed to identify an issue to work on - an insecurity, or a particular traumatic event, or a particular emotion, etc. Let's say you want to work on "anger." Broad and general right. The therapist is supposed to ask you to find a cognition (thought) that expressed whatever shit it is you're working on: "I'm worthless" or "I want to kill her" or whatever. You're supposed to evaluate how true this feels on a ten-point scale, and you're supposed to rank how much distress it causes you/how intense it is. E.g. you might decide "I want to kill her" is a 8 truth and a 9 intensity.
Next, you find a keystone memory - usually something foundational that happened when you were fairly young - that comes to mind as being linked to this "I want to kill her" vibe. Some therapists would deliberately direct you to find the earliest instance.
Now that you've got your memory, you "go there" and you do your movements while connected to it. Every now and then the therapist would ask you "what are you getting," partially to ground you in the present and partially to give you a rest. Then they will say, "alright stay with that" and you will do more eye movements. This is also to communicate to your therapist where you are in processing the thing. If you started with "I want to kill her" and you're now at crying and thinking, "She was my mom and I was a child, how do you *do* that to a child, no child deserves that" then you're probably fairly far along in processing your memory. If you're at, "She was working 3 jobs and her husband was a piece of shit, she must've been barely holding it together" then you're fairly close to done probably.
At each of these stages, the therapist might also ask you to connect with the original cognition - "I want to kill her" - and assess how true it feels now and how much distress it brings you now. This is to reassure you that the process is working, but also to tell the therapist how done you are - sometimes, if you started at a 9 and you now report a 4, the therapist would ask, "what stops it being a 3?" or "what stops it being a zero?" Then, as you answer, you'll probably connect to more shit still left to "mop up" and the therapist will ask you to stay with that and do the movements.
As you go, the cognitions you report should be changing: say, from "Something must be wrong with me for me to deserve that" and "I want to kill her" to "I was just a child" and "She was on her own and overwhelmed." The therapist should zero in on one of these cognitions and choose the one which carries an idea of the new understanding you've gotten of the problem - "I was just a child, every child deserves compassion and care." Then the therapist would ask you to do the eye movements on that and assess how true it feels. You might circle back to the original memory and cognition, you might try with another beneficial cognition, etc. The idea is to get you to relief.
All of this was to say that while the examples I studied had this whole process completed beginning to end for each memory/cognition. The process can be divided into set-up, processing, and integration (the work with the positive cognitions). I am assuming the "second part" has to do with working on integration and with finding extra stuff to mop up. If you've already dealt with the very intense parts, doing the mop-up on your own should be fairly benign.
Is that what happened for you?
Re: ER(E) with a disability
Have you come across imposter syndrome before?
For what it's worth, I've seen developers last 10+ years producing a few hours of work per day. If someone is easy to work with and reliable, that is often enough. Some jobs and companies aren't setup for exceptional performance. Based upon your writing, you have a long runway ahead of you.
For what it's worth, I've seen developers last 10+ years producing a few hours of work per day. If someone is easy to work with and reliable, that is often enough. Some jobs and companies aren't setup for exceptional performance. Based upon your writing, you have a long runway ahead of you.
Re: ER(E) with a disability
The process you described above was exactly what was done, and this is exactly the part that was missing. We did this for the final session after I told her the insurance can't cover the rest, but I didn't see much benefit out of it. What ended up happening outside of the therapy is I saw a film I have now seen 15 times that I began to associate with everything I wanted to be and everything good in the world.ertyu wrote: ↑Sun Aug 28, 2022 2:40 am.As you go, the cognitions you report should be changing: say, from "Something must be wrong with me for me to deserve that" and "I want to kill her" to "I was just a child" and "She was on her own and overwhelmed." The therapist should zero in on one of these cognitions and choose the one which carries an idea of the new understanding you've gotten of the problem - "I was just a child, every child deserves compassion and care." Then the therapist would ask you to do the eye movements on that and assess how true it feels. You might circle back to the original memory and cognition, you might try with another beneficial cognition, etc. The idea is to get you to relief.
All of this was to say that while the examples I studied had this whole process completed beginning to end for each memory/cognition. The process can be divided into set-up, processing, and integration (the work with the positive cognitions). I am assuming the "second part" has to do with working on integration and with finding extra stuff to mop up. If you've already dealt with the very intense parts, doing the mop-up on your own should be fairly benign.
Is that what happened for you?
That final session just felt very unstimulating. Throughout the process I didn't have any intense reaction on the surface or in the moment, so I think my therapist was as surprised as I was that I was like I don't feel angry anymore, I don't understand. I just felt done during the final session. I guess I hacked my own brain with this intense attachment to this movie as a new memory.
Re: ER(E) with a disability
I have come across it before and I deliberately tell myself and others that I believe I'm talented because of it. I'm never going to fully get over the insecurity from the disability, so I should at least feel competent outside of that.Scott 2 wrote: ↑Sun Aug 28, 2022 9:41 amHave you come across imposter syndrome before?
For what it's worth, I've seen developers last 10+ years producing a few hours of work per day. If someone is easy to work with and reliable, that is often enough. Some jobs and companies aren't setup for exceptional performance. Based upon your writing, you have a long runway ahead of you.
The runway though, we'll see... As mentioned above, work quite literally causes me pain and the strain may make my disability worse. I'll find out in two weeks. It's hard for me to imagine right now not doing some sort of ERE, the original plan for full cushy FIRE is long gone.
Re: ER(E) with a disability
I of course cannot speak to your individual situation. Only you can decide when the work stops fitting your life.
I have been on the other side of those conversations, about individuals whose productivity diminishes over time. If they are liked and carry tribal knowledge, the hesitance to do anything is extremely high. Management doesn't want to fire someone like that. If medical conditions are involved, doubly so. Large corporations will take a very conservative approach, due to the liability exposure. You may find a lot of accommodation, if you want it.
I have been on the other side of those conversations, about individuals whose productivity diminishes over time. If they are liked and carry tribal knowledge, the hesitance to do anything is extremely high. Management doesn't want to fire someone like that. If medical conditions are involved, doubly so. Large corporations will take a very conservative approach, due to the liability exposure. You may find a lot of accommodation, if you want it.
Re: ER(E) with a disability
It's a nice blog, thanks for mentioning it! "Laziness and lightness of spirit" is a great summary. I feel it runs contra to ERE, where ERE is about making your work more diverse, robust (WoG) and potentially interesting, whereas NewEscapologist is about not working at allrecal wrote: ↑Sat Aug 27, 2022 9:59 pmBy the way, the writer in this community whose work I identify most with is Robert Wringham over at https://newescapologist.co.uk. I don't really identify with the resilience and ecology stuff from ERE since I'm already in a fragile position. I enjoy Rob's emphasis on the embrace of laziness and lightness of spirit. He interviewed Jacob eons ago for his magazine, something I own every issue of!
Which is a better fit for me as well, given my general low energy and lack of protestant background.Re: ER(E) with a disability
Current Finances as of September 2022:
Net Worth: $318,165
Spending in August: $3,219.88
This is the first month with the budget. It only came in for the last 10 days of the month, but it really changed my mindset around spending -- I think particularly around eating out and just randomly getting a smoothie or a snack just because I'm out. I like the envelopes system a lot, it changes the mindset from "You can have everything you want," to "You can have anything you want." I spent a lot in August, it was my spendiest month since I was fitting out my bike in March, and a lot of the "long-term investments" will act as a sort of debt in the upcoming months where I expect to spend less.
I also think the system works with the occasions where I need to eat out (or expensively) for weeks at a time. As long as I save money in Groceries & Restaurants while my health is alright, then I will have a surplus built up for when I am sick and expect to spend $700 that month.
A few life notes --
The Bay Area is testing out an unlimited public transit pass. This is awesome news for anyone who currently spends hundreds a month on trains and buses like I do, and will hopefully roll out as an option to Bay Area residents. (An SF version of this already exists for $100 a month, but I don't live in SF.)
I decided to change teams within my organization. I've been dissatisfied with my work for a while, and it never felt like the right time with the increasing health stuff, but I've reached the point with my health where since I know I've been actively damaging my body by working for the past few months, I am open to resigning within the next 6 months if the team change doesn't increase my happiness with work. Clarifying, work in general damages my health, but apart from that, my team has been a very meh situation this year. If I'm going to be in pain anyway, then I'd rather be in pain in a happier environment.
It's just not worth the health cost when my investments currently generate 1 JAFI worth of income for the year. I have high spending right now due to the rent, but I could easily bring that down to $500 a month by simply leaving the Bay Area -- which is a sacrifice on my health, but I don't think it's a worse sacrifice on my health than the damage work is doing to my health.
I'm seeing a new doctor to check the progression on Tuesday itself. I'll know more then. We can only hope for the best...
I'd like to clarify that I save about 65-70% of my post-tax income into investments (60% pre-tax), my net worth just keeps going down because of the recession, lol.
What I Spent On This Month:
Since I'm focusing on the spending heavily, I will be writing more details about this, again mostly for myself. Remember, I don't count medical spending, family gifts, or donating within my budget.
Groceries: $114.26 / $200
Bills: $85.26 / $100
Rent: $1650.00 / $1650
Restaurants: $327.42 / $200
Toiletries: $48.64 / $100
Transportation: $48.64 / $100 (This does not count the pre-tax I'm spending on public transit, just Ubers -- these are not wasteful as I am a lone young woman out late nights in a big unsafe city. The train fares are a big unknown in post-retirement life.)
Everything Else: $454.42 / $150
Total over budget: $232.08.
I don't care too much about certain categories being over or under budget, because the envelope system not only allows month-to-month rollover, but rollover within the categories as well. The total over budget is the real problem, and I hope I pay off my debt to myself in that sense in the upcoming months.
The extra $80 in groceries was rolled over into restaurants, and I began September with a deficit of -$41.68. I will be trying to keep this at zero this month! (Keep in mind that again, I only had 10 days of the month with the budget.)
Most everything else rolled into... everything else, this means the app is telling me I'm starting September with $167.23 already spent. That means even if I spend $0 in September, I will still be in $17 of debt. Again, August was a spendy month with a lot of long-term investments, so I am glad that the envelope system allows me to go into debt to myself, because I know I'll "pay it off" by the end of the year.
Everything in everything else (the only category of interest to me to track item-by-item):
* Online subscriptions ($18) -- Yearly fee renewal
* Amazon ($38) -- I bought a watch! I like it! I wear it every day.
* Movie Theaters ($40) -- Saw 3 films this month.
* Kayaking ($50) -- Tend to do this 1-2x a month during the summer. I don't think I do it enough to justify buying a kayak.
* Car rental ($25) -- Paid a friend back for a car rental back in June
* Jeans ($60) -- Bought my first pair of jeans in eons, jeans last forever.
* Plane fees ($38) -- I buy all my flights with points, but points don't qualify for the fees. Just a flight home, will happen every few months.
* Bicycle repair ($70) -- Almost final changes on the bike. My existing bike rack didn't work for my vintage bike so I needed a new one. Oh well. You live and you learn. I think it's always better to at least get parts from the bike shop, the labor on this was just $15. DIYing doesn't work so well for me.
* Amazon ($32) -- I needed a new bike light because my bike light got lost somewhere along the way with the issues with my old bike rack.
* Phone battery replacement ($66) -- My phone is from March 2019. I want to keep it for several more years, so I got a battery replacement as this has been annoying me for a while.
* Target ($6) -- 2 packs of tennis balls.
* Amazon ($11) - 2 years worth of screen protectors, I just put on the last in the pack I bought two years ago for the same price.
This is like... multiple months of long-term spending all packed into one big busy summer month. Again, I expect to "pay this off" by spending maybe $50 less until the end of the year.
What's most important about this month is that I like this system, and as I head into seeing another new doctor for my disability to see how badly it's developing, this helps me feel in control of my future. I can do an ERE in 3 years on $625k, or I can do full FIRE at $1.5m. I can control the amount I need if I control my spending!
Net Worth: $318,165
Spending in August: $3,219.88
This is the first month with the budget. It only came in for the last 10 days of the month, but it really changed my mindset around spending -- I think particularly around eating out and just randomly getting a smoothie or a snack just because I'm out. I like the envelopes system a lot, it changes the mindset from "You can have everything you want," to "You can have anything you want." I spent a lot in August, it was my spendiest month since I was fitting out my bike in March, and a lot of the "long-term investments" will act as a sort of debt in the upcoming months where I expect to spend less.
I also think the system works with the occasions where I need to eat out (or expensively) for weeks at a time. As long as I save money in Groceries & Restaurants while my health is alright, then I will have a surplus built up for when I am sick and expect to spend $700 that month.
A few life notes --
The Bay Area is testing out an unlimited public transit pass. This is awesome news for anyone who currently spends hundreds a month on trains and buses like I do, and will hopefully roll out as an option to Bay Area residents. (An SF version of this already exists for $100 a month, but I don't live in SF.)
I decided to change teams within my organization. I've been dissatisfied with my work for a while, and it never felt like the right time with the increasing health stuff, but I've reached the point with my health where since I know I've been actively damaging my body by working for the past few months, I am open to resigning within the next 6 months if the team change doesn't increase my happiness with work. Clarifying, work in general damages my health, but apart from that, my team has been a very meh situation this year. If I'm going to be in pain anyway, then I'd rather be in pain in a happier environment.
It's just not worth the health cost when my investments currently generate 1 JAFI worth of income for the year. I have high spending right now due to the rent, but I could easily bring that down to $500 a month by simply leaving the Bay Area -- which is a sacrifice on my health, but I don't think it's a worse sacrifice on my health than the damage work is doing to my health.
I'm seeing a new doctor to check the progression on Tuesday itself. I'll know more then. We can only hope for the best...
I'd like to clarify that I save about 65-70% of my post-tax income into investments (60% pre-tax), my net worth just keeps going down because of the recession, lol.
What I Spent On This Month:
Since I'm focusing on the spending heavily, I will be writing more details about this, again mostly for myself. Remember, I don't count medical spending, family gifts, or donating within my budget.
Groceries: $114.26 / $200
Bills: $85.26 / $100
Rent: $1650.00 / $1650
Restaurants: $327.42 / $200
Toiletries: $48.64 / $100
Transportation: $48.64 / $100 (This does not count the pre-tax I'm spending on public transit, just Ubers -- these are not wasteful as I am a lone young woman out late nights in a big unsafe city. The train fares are a big unknown in post-retirement life.)
Everything Else: $454.42 / $150
Total over budget: $232.08.
I don't care too much about certain categories being over or under budget, because the envelope system not only allows month-to-month rollover, but rollover within the categories as well. The total over budget is the real problem, and I hope I pay off my debt to myself in that sense in the upcoming months.
The extra $80 in groceries was rolled over into restaurants, and I began September with a deficit of -$41.68. I will be trying to keep this at zero this month! (Keep in mind that again, I only had 10 days of the month with the budget.)
Most everything else rolled into... everything else, this means the app is telling me I'm starting September with $167.23 already spent. That means even if I spend $0 in September, I will still be in $17 of debt. Again, August was a spendy month with a lot of long-term investments, so I am glad that the envelope system allows me to go into debt to myself, because I know I'll "pay it off" by the end of the year.
Everything in everything else (the only category of interest to me to track item-by-item):
* Online subscriptions ($18) -- Yearly fee renewal
* Amazon ($38) -- I bought a watch! I like it! I wear it every day.
* Movie Theaters ($40) -- Saw 3 films this month.
* Kayaking ($50) -- Tend to do this 1-2x a month during the summer. I don't think I do it enough to justify buying a kayak.
* Car rental ($25) -- Paid a friend back for a car rental back in June
* Jeans ($60) -- Bought my first pair of jeans in eons, jeans last forever.
* Plane fees ($38) -- I buy all my flights with points, but points don't qualify for the fees. Just a flight home, will happen every few months.
* Bicycle repair ($70) -- Almost final changes on the bike. My existing bike rack didn't work for my vintage bike so I needed a new one. Oh well. You live and you learn. I think it's always better to at least get parts from the bike shop, the labor on this was just $15. DIYing doesn't work so well for me.
* Amazon ($32) -- I needed a new bike light because my bike light got lost somewhere along the way with the issues with my old bike rack.
* Phone battery replacement ($66) -- My phone is from March 2019. I want to keep it for several more years, so I got a battery replacement as this has been annoying me for a while.
* Target ($6) -- 2 packs of tennis balls.
* Amazon ($11) - 2 years worth of screen protectors, I just put on the last in the pack I bought two years ago for the same price.
This is like... multiple months of long-term spending all packed into one big busy summer month. Again, I expect to "pay this off" by spending maybe $50 less until the end of the year.
What's most important about this month is that I like this system, and as I head into seeing another new doctor for my disability to see how badly it's developing, this helps me feel in control of my future. I can do an ERE in 3 years on $625k, or I can do full FIRE at $1.5m. I can control the amount I need if I control my spending!
Re: ER(E) with a disability
That transition was one of the harder parts of leaving my tech job. Especially by the end, money was no object. The answer to any choice was "get both!" Often, I'd then have time for neither.
A little financial constraint makes me appreciate the things I do buy.
Re: ER(E) with a disability
One update: I finally sold one of my two things that need to be sold! Woo! Overall, it was a nearly $100 loss, but I've had it sitting for almost all year, and so I was surprised at how easily this worked. The secret? Get off of OfferUp and be willing to ship via Mercari, which is like an easier, quicker eBay. They take a 10% fee off of it, and offer a discount on Returnmates which packages and ships the item for you. This gave me back $65 on what originally cost me $150. I recommend this to anyone who's not finding success on Facebook Marketplace or OfferUp.
My plan -- as before -- is always to buy stuff I don't expect to sell and keep forever. But, lifestyle changes are inevitable. Sometimes you own something you know you will never use again. Better to try and sell first before donating.
Second update: I have shifted my grocery strategy. Having a "vehicle" (bike) changes the landscape for groceries.
My cooking is very simple: one vegetable + one protein + one grain for my two meals on weekdays, and soup or fancier pasta on the weekends. I eat out with friends a couple times a week and I go for convenience meals when I have to for health reasons. Sometimes, convenience meals are just a bad habit.
But, now that I have a bike, I can buy up to 30lbs of X bulk item at a time. Whole Foods sells pasta for $1.79/lb (still cheaper than the local best store selling for $2.50/lb), but Trader Joe's sells pasta for $.99/lb. If I'm buying 30 lbs of it, that's up to $45 of difference! With all of my staples -- beans, rice, noodles, pasta, and oats, it's best to buy once a month (or quarter) in bulk.
That's awesome, but still leaves a gaping issue. It's hard to shop for produce for one person. It's not very straightforward. I live in one of the most beautiful farming areas in the world and I still end up getting either too lazy to try new things at the Farmer's Market or defaulting to long-lasting vegetables in 5lb increments (potatoes and carrots).
I'm now officially trying a CSA box. In case someone reading doesn't know what that is, it's when a local farm sends you a box of fresh produce every week or two. They tend to cost around $25-30. The one I signed up for is $25.50 a box and I am getting it bi-weekly. So, produce costs are going to be $12.25 a week + gap-filling bananas (I'm a cyclist! It's the cheapest cycling fuel!) + flavorful onions and garlic.
Other than that, I plan to visit Whole Foods for in-between stuff once a month. Coconut milk cans, olive oil, peanut butter, etc.. It's more expensive here than shopping around, but I find that for my area, Whole Foods is not necessarily more or less expensive than other places as long as you stick to a list of whole foods (unintentional pun). As a vegan who eats some substitutes (mainly vegan butter and nutritional yeast, I find the rest to be too expensive), Whole Foods is the easiest place for me.
In theory, this should bring my average grocery cost down to $100/m while increasing the variety I eat. I've been trying to fix my nutrition in the past 2 years as I've gone further into sports, and although I've increased my protein to finally be enough, I really don't eat enough variety of fruits and vegetables. Fruits, especially. I think $12.50 a week on a good, built-in variety of produce is a really good deal. We'll see if it's too much to consume, then I may still need to find a friend to split it (and the cost) with.
My plan -- as before -- is always to buy stuff I don't expect to sell and keep forever. But, lifestyle changes are inevitable. Sometimes you own something you know you will never use again. Better to try and sell first before donating.
Second update: I have shifted my grocery strategy. Having a "vehicle" (bike) changes the landscape for groceries.
My cooking is very simple: one vegetable + one protein + one grain for my two meals on weekdays, and soup or fancier pasta on the weekends. I eat out with friends a couple times a week and I go for convenience meals when I have to for health reasons. Sometimes, convenience meals are just a bad habit.
But, now that I have a bike, I can buy up to 30lbs of X bulk item at a time. Whole Foods sells pasta for $1.79/lb (still cheaper than the local best store selling for $2.50/lb), but Trader Joe's sells pasta for $.99/lb. If I'm buying 30 lbs of it, that's up to $45 of difference! With all of my staples -- beans, rice, noodles, pasta, and oats, it's best to buy once a month (or quarter) in bulk.
That's awesome, but still leaves a gaping issue. It's hard to shop for produce for one person. It's not very straightforward. I live in one of the most beautiful farming areas in the world and I still end up getting either too lazy to try new things at the Farmer's Market or defaulting to long-lasting vegetables in 5lb increments (potatoes and carrots).
I'm now officially trying a CSA box. In case someone reading doesn't know what that is, it's when a local farm sends you a box of fresh produce every week or two. They tend to cost around $25-30. The one I signed up for is $25.50 a box and I am getting it bi-weekly. So, produce costs are going to be $12.25 a week + gap-filling bananas (I'm a cyclist! It's the cheapest cycling fuel!) + flavorful onions and garlic.
Other than that, I plan to visit Whole Foods for in-between stuff once a month. Coconut milk cans, olive oil, peanut butter, etc.. It's more expensive here than shopping around, but I find that for my area, Whole Foods is not necessarily more or less expensive than other places as long as you stick to a list of whole foods (unintentional pun). As a vegan who eats some substitutes (mainly vegan butter and nutritional yeast, I find the rest to be too expensive), Whole Foods is the easiest place for me.
In theory, this should bring my average grocery cost down to $100/m while increasing the variety I eat. I've been trying to fix my nutrition in the past 2 years as I've gone further into sports, and although I've increased my protein to finally be enough, I really don't eat enough variety of fruits and vegetables. Fruits, especially. I think $12.50 a week on a good, built-in variety of produce is a really good deal. We'll see if it's too much to consume, then I may still need to find a friend to split it (and the cost) with.
Re: ER(E) with a disability
A box like that would be good if you force yourself to develop the cooking skills that use the produce you get. A common trap I've seen is, "oh i don't really know what to do with that, uh, i should check it out I guess" and then the person never does, and then it rots haha
100/m for quality variety food is great, cool!
100/m for quality variety food is great, cool!
Re: ER(E) with a disability
I know October seems to have come a little early, but I expect no more expenses (maybe a grocery run to get beans in bulk, we can count it as an October spend) until the end of the month and I have a lot to share.
Current Finances as of October 2022:
Net Worth: $308,713
Spending in August: $2,992.62
I guess the net worth keeps going down? I haven't kept track of the markets so I hope this is normal and not a syncing error from Mint.
LIFE:
1) Disability Updates:
A lot has happened here. I saw two doctors in the past month. It's all going to shit, the disability is getting worse, however, due to my proximity to three university clinics (a train ride away to three of the most respected universities in the world!), I am able to try a new, cutting edge treatment. When I went in to the doctor this morning, I handed her the notes on my treatment that my current doctor said to give, and this university doctor immediately said, "Oh, that's so old. We don't keep the instruments to even check that."
The doctor that told me to go to the university said they have a new way of doing the treatment compared to 5 years ago when I first got my treatment solidified, and that's what they offered me at the university. Part of it costs $1,600 out of pocket, no chance of getting that part covered by insurance. I paid, no questions asked, but again, the medical buffer is really important and it's a constant reminder. I expect $3-4,000 a year out of pocket is a good estimate for my disability. (I'm not counting normal medical expenses or a new rare disease showing up in my life here.)
In better financial news before I move on with the rest of this disability stuff, I was preparing for both the financial and mental costs of going through a very painful surgery. I spoke to the doctor about it, and she said, no. It is unlikely that I will do the surgery twice. There's always a chance (5-10%?), but that means I just need to be able to draw on $10-20k at any point, not plan for a repeated $10-20k every few years for the rest of my life. The $3-4k a year for the day-to-day treatment is more expected. That's a sigh of relief, particularly because a surgery requires care... I won't be functional enough to get and eat food, even delivery for a few days, and I don't have reliable family to depend on for this, just friends.
Anyway, back to this new treatment... I did some googling, talked to a couple people, and I found out that I've been operating under a fairly standard treatment procedure which has been the default for 50 years... Guessing. It's a lot of tweaking and guessing and hoping for the best. There's been new technology that's come out in the past 5 or so years that doesn't do guessing, but does a deeper layer of customization via scans. So, there's 3 different "competing" technologies here that are variable approaches to fixing guessing. This $1600 cost from the doctor is the scan itself, the treatment after the scan is covered by insurance. Weird how that works. But, for 2 of the three, two of the university clinics near me are one of the very rare places that supports each new technology. The third technology is patented by a specific hospital in the US, so everyone who tries that goes there.
This is really, really great for me, because it means that I really do live in a cutting edge place for my disability. If this treatment doesn't work, I just take the train the other direction and try their fancy new technology there. I'm really hopeful that I get more comfort in my life with my disability ...soon. This is the beginning of something good.
HOWEVER, to scan for the correct treatment, my body needs to be clear of my existing treatment for 1-2 weeks before. That means I can't do my daily treatments for 12 days, starting the second I get home from work on Friday. I am on sick leave from my doctor to be excused from work (I can't work without the treatment) and I have to exist in this non-functional space of disability for 12 days. This is honestly like my worst nightmare. This is the longest I'll go without any treatment since I started living independently.
But you know what? I'm not afraid. For me, ERE resourcefulness is resourcefulness as a disabled person. It's a different scale than most people on this forum, but relatively, it's a huge deal for me to go 12 days as a fully disabled person. And I really think I can do it. I believe I've mentioned I began volunteering this year, and part of that was volunteering with people with the same disability as me. I've made friends and I've absorbed what's normal and I've picked up tools that I didn't know existed before. I can adjust to this life. I can be really happy and healthy as a non-functional person. I know it.
I expect some weird, impulsive spending, though. I will probably be getting a lot of food delivered, although I will try to cook as much as I can. There's probably going to be some weird tool I think will somehow make my life easier -- it may or may not actually do it, but I expect that will be expensive.
After this sort of treatment cleanse, I will probably have some updates by the November update about whether or not the scanned measurements for my treatment worked or not! Wish me luck!
2) Work updates
I mentioned that I'm changing teams recently. That's happening. It was supposed to happen this upcoming Monday, but this treatment-related sick leave happened at the perfect time and I have a gap between teams now. I have a feeling it'll be more relaxed. It's a smaller team, I have a chance to excel and dig deep rather than wide (this works better with my disability brain, or maybe my personality? They're hard to separate these days.). I hope I'll be happier and I'm looking forward to the change.
3) Bike
I'm getting more used to the bike as a VEHICLE. I've had it since February so it's been a long adjustment, I'm not sure how people just pick up a bike and make their entire lives revolve around it. I won't be able to use a bike in my non-functional disabled state, maybe that's why it's slower for me? But I'd like to point out that the bike has cost about $100 a month since I got it, which is pretty bad considering that I only ride it about 50 miles a month. I know it'll go down with time, but jeez, it's a VEHICLE in cost and efficiency. It's my most expensive category of the year other than food and rent, for sure.
4) Farm Box
I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. At least for what they sent this week, you can't really "save it for later" as much. Even a couple days later. When the produce lasts 1 week (or less!!!), getting the box every 2 weeks is a bit difficult. It's back to my same old problems of grocery shopping for 1 -- they give you X quantity but you can only eat so much. But honestly, I'd rather just stick to this and pick up some potatoes, carrots, onions/garlic, and banana in between when I need it. These are long-lasting staples, and that'll mix well with the more seasonal and obscure farm box stuff. I still feel the forced variety is healthier for me.
I believe that's it for life stuff. Disability being the most important, of course. Onto the boring part...
What I Spent On This Month:
Groceries: $196.49 / $200 (Lots of bulk buying this month, hope we see the results of that in the next month.)
Bills: $73.64 / $100
Rent: $1650.00 / $1650
Restaurants: $212.45 / $200
Toiletries: $70.69 / $100
Transportation: $14.00 / $100
Everything Else: $203.06 / $150
Transportation sidenote: Since I am commuting to work every day from my pre-tax transit card, I spend over $100 a month on commuting but never see it. As it stands, the transportation category is pretty silly, because it refers to a budget in a retirement-oriented life where I don't commute and don't have a commuter card benefit. However, my budget is still $2,500 a month, so it's just free to be pushed into another envelope.
I did, however, save money with transportation this month! I found that those pesky scooters are around during late nights. They didn't used to be because their battery lives were so short. I haven't tried it yet, but this should decrease my late night lone woman costs from $14 an Uber ride to $3 a scooter ride from train to home. To clarify, I have ridden the scooters before, I just haven't tried this idea of finding one at night and how safe that feels for the cost of saving $10-15. I don't know yet if it's viable.
Everything else sidenote: I sold one of my two to-sell items. I'm counting this as credit in the everything else category, because I don't plan to buy things that I sell very often, and it's an unusual source of income that wasn't cash (which I just get and spend as I need it). This makes sense in my head. If anyone considers this cheating, whatever, I don't care, lol. So, I sold that item for $65.39. So, everything else's REAL spending comes to $133.67!
Total UNDER budget: $145.06
Woooooooo! Last month, I was $232.08 over budget, and I thought I'd pay it off in $50 increments, but in this envelopes system, you start the month with this debt already in the categories, and it tells you how much total money you have left. That worked on me, and I spent less because of it. Even if we include a $20 buffer for the last few days of the month in case I get groceries or eat out, even if we exclude the item I sold, that's still more than $50 under budget for this month. The envelopes system works. I want to pay off this remaining $87 of "debt" to myself and get a surplus!
Beyond the budget, the goal of the "everything else" category is to get to the point where I'm buying as little as humanly possible that contributes to my accumulated items, so I'm tracking and explaining every item in this category again. I plan to do this every month.
Everything in everything else (the category of interest to me to track item-by-item):
* Tennis court reservation ($7)
* VHS-C -> VHS tape converter ($20) -- I have a family project to digitize our old family tapes. This costs money and lots and lots of time, but I'm hoping I can resell this for something once I'm done.
* VHS -> DVD converter ($34) -- See above!
* 4TB portable hard drive ($85) -- This is the one piece of the project I won't be reselling once I'm done. I never had a portable hard drive before, cloud services are super expensive compared to this. This is a luxury good I'm happy to have and keep now. 4TB is a LOT of data!
* Packing tape ($4)
* Monthly online news subscription ($3) -- This is really optional, but I do it.
* Bike lube & degreaser ($41) -- I got enough to last me a long time, but as I said above, the bike costs keep going up. I hope it's almost over, but I still see some things I need.
* Movie ticket ($10) -- Expect to see this at least once monthly. This is something I really value, but still try to save money, go to matinee shows, get discount tickets, etc..
This list is much more reasonable than last month, it just felt so much busier in August, too. Things slow down in the fall, spending slows down, too. I wonder if I can get the everything else category even lower now that I don't have this project. I still need one more thing for the bike eventually (either a hand pump or the air canisters for to-go flats), I may need to get some printer ink, etc... But, I see no more BIG purchases for a while! Let's hope I can stick to that.
Thank you so much if you read this behemoth of a post. I am not known for writing curtly.
Current Finances as of October 2022:
Net Worth: $308,713
Spending in August: $2,992.62
I guess the net worth keeps going down? I haven't kept track of the markets so I hope this is normal and not a syncing error from Mint.
LIFE:
1) Disability Updates:
A lot has happened here. I saw two doctors in the past month. It's all going to shit, the disability is getting worse, however, due to my proximity to three university clinics (a train ride away to three of the most respected universities in the world!), I am able to try a new, cutting edge treatment. When I went in to the doctor this morning, I handed her the notes on my treatment that my current doctor said to give, and this university doctor immediately said, "Oh, that's so old. We don't keep the instruments to even check that."
The doctor that told me to go to the university said they have a new way of doing the treatment compared to 5 years ago when I first got my treatment solidified, and that's what they offered me at the university. Part of it costs $1,600 out of pocket, no chance of getting that part covered by insurance. I paid, no questions asked, but again, the medical buffer is really important and it's a constant reminder. I expect $3-4,000 a year out of pocket is a good estimate for my disability. (I'm not counting normal medical expenses or a new rare disease showing up in my life here.)
In better financial news before I move on with the rest of this disability stuff, I was preparing for both the financial and mental costs of going through a very painful surgery. I spoke to the doctor about it, and she said, no. It is unlikely that I will do the surgery twice. There's always a chance (5-10%?), but that means I just need to be able to draw on $10-20k at any point, not plan for a repeated $10-20k every few years for the rest of my life. The $3-4k a year for the day-to-day treatment is more expected. That's a sigh of relief, particularly because a surgery requires care... I won't be functional enough to get and eat food, even delivery for a few days, and I don't have reliable family to depend on for this, just friends.
Anyway, back to this new treatment... I did some googling, talked to a couple people, and I found out that I've been operating under a fairly standard treatment procedure which has been the default for 50 years... Guessing. It's a lot of tweaking and guessing and hoping for the best. There's been new technology that's come out in the past 5 or so years that doesn't do guessing, but does a deeper layer of customization via scans. So, there's 3 different "competing" technologies here that are variable approaches to fixing guessing. This $1600 cost from the doctor is the scan itself, the treatment after the scan is covered by insurance. Weird how that works. But, for 2 of the three, two of the university clinics near me are one of the very rare places that supports each new technology. The third technology is patented by a specific hospital in the US, so everyone who tries that goes there.
This is really, really great for me, because it means that I really do live in a cutting edge place for my disability. If this treatment doesn't work, I just take the train the other direction and try their fancy new technology there. I'm really hopeful that I get more comfort in my life with my disability ...soon. This is the beginning of something good.
HOWEVER, to scan for the correct treatment, my body needs to be clear of my existing treatment for 1-2 weeks before. That means I can't do my daily treatments for 12 days, starting the second I get home from work on Friday. I am on sick leave from my doctor to be excused from work (I can't work without the treatment) and I have to exist in this non-functional space of disability for 12 days. This is honestly like my worst nightmare. This is the longest I'll go without any treatment since I started living independently.
But you know what? I'm not afraid. For me, ERE resourcefulness is resourcefulness as a disabled person. It's a different scale than most people on this forum, but relatively, it's a huge deal for me to go 12 days as a fully disabled person. And I really think I can do it. I believe I've mentioned I began volunteering this year, and part of that was volunteering with people with the same disability as me. I've made friends and I've absorbed what's normal and I've picked up tools that I didn't know existed before. I can adjust to this life. I can be really happy and healthy as a non-functional person. I know it.
I expect some weird, impulsive spending, though. I will probably be getting a lot of food delivered, although I will try to cook as much as I can. There's probably going to be some weird tool I think will somehow make my life easier -- it may or may not actually do it, but I expect that will be expensive.
After this sort of treatment cleanse, I will probably have some updates by the November update about whether or not the scanned measurements for my treatment worked or not! Wish me luck!
2) Work updates
I mentioned that I'm changing teams recently. That's happening. It was supposed to happen this upcoming Monday, but this treatment-related sick leave happened at the perfect time and I have a gap between teams now. I have a feeling it'll be more relaxed. It's a smaller team, I have a chance to excel and dig deep rather than wide (this works better with my disability brain, or maybe my personality? They're hard to separate these days.). I hope I'll be happier and I'm looking forward to the change.
3) Bike
I'm getting more used to the bike as a VEHICLE. I've had it since February so it's been a long adjustment, I'm not sure how people just pick up a bike and make their entire lives revolve around it. I won't be able to use a bike in my non-functional disabled state, maybe that's why it's slower for me? But I'd like to point out that the bike has cost about $100 a month since I got it, which is pretty bad considering that I only ride it about 50 miles a month. I know it'll go down with time, but jeez, it's a VEHICLE in cost and efficiency. It's my most expensive category of the year other than food and rent, for sure.
4) Farm Box
I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. At least for what they sent this week, you can't really "save it for later" as much. Even a couple days later. When the produce lasts 1 week (or less!!!), getting the box every 2 weeks is a bit difficult. It's back to my same old problems of grocery shopping for 1 -- they give you X quantity but you can only eat so much. But honestly, I'd rather just stick to this and pick up some potatoes, carrots, onions/garlic, and banana in between when I need it. These are long-lasting staples, and that'll mix well with the more seasonal and obscure farm box stuff. I still feel the forced variety is healthier for me.
I believe that's it for life stuff. Disability being the most important, of course. Onto the boring part...
What I Spent On This Month:
Groceries: $196.49 / $200 (Lots of bulk buying this month, hope we see the results of that in the next month.)
Bills: $73.64 / $100
Rent: $1650.00 / $1650
Restaurants: $212.45 / $200
Toiletries: $70.69 / $100
Transportation: $14.00 / $100
Everything Else: $203.06 / $150
Transportation sidenote: Since I am commuting to work every day from my pre-tax transit card, I spend over $100 a month on commuting but never see it. As it stands, the transportation category is pretty silly, because it refers to a budget in a retirement-oriented life where I don't commute and don't have a commuter card benefit. However, my budget is still $2,500 a month, so it's just free to be pushed into another envelope.
I did, however, save money with transportation this month! I found that those pesky scooters are around during late nights. They didn't used to be because their battery lives were so short. I haven't tried it yet, but this should decrease my late night lone woman costs from $14 an Uber ride to $3 a scooter ride from train to home. To clarify, I have ridden the scooters before, I just haven't tried this idea of finding one at night and how safe that feels for the cost of saving $10-15. I don't know yet if it's viable.
Everything else sidenote: I sold one of my two to-sell items. I'm counting this as credit in the everything else category, because I don't plan to buy things that I sell very often, and it's an unusual source of income that wasn't cash (which I just get and spend as I need it). This makes sense in my head. If anyone considers this cheating, whatever, I don't care, lol. So, I sold that item for $65.39. So, everything else's REAL spending comes to $133.67!
Total UNDER budget: $145.06
Woooooooo! Last month, I was $232.08 over budget, and I thought I'd pay it off in $50 increments, but in this envelopes system, you start the month with this debt already in the categories, and it tells you how much total money you have left. That worked on me, and I spent less because of it. Even if we include a $20 buffer for the last few days of the month in case I get groceries or eat out, even if we exclude the item I sold, that's still more than $50 under budget for this month. The envelopes system works. I want to pay off this remaining $87 of "debt" to myself and get a surplus!
Beyond the budget, the goal of the "everything else" category is to get to the point where I'm buying as little as humanly possible that contributes to my accumulated items, so I'm tracking and explaining every item in this category again. I plan to do this every month.
Everything in everything else (the category of interest to me to track item-by-item):
* Tennis court reservation ($7)
* VHS-C -> VHS tape converter ($20) -- I have a family project to digitize our old family tapes. This costs money and lots and lots of time, but I'm hoping I can resell this for something once I'm done.
* VHS -> DVD converter ($34) -- See above!
* 4TB portable hard drive ($85) -- This is the one piece of the project I won't be reselling once I'm done. I never had a portable hard drive before, cloud services are super expensive compared to this. This is a luxury good I'm happy to have and keep now. 4TB is a LOT of data!
* Packing tape ($4)
* Monthly online news subscription ($3) -- This is really optional, but I do it.
* Bike lube & degreaser ($41) -- I got enough to last me a long time, but as I said above, the bike costs keep going up. I hope it's almost over, but I still see some things I need.
* Movie ticket ($10) -- Expect to see this at least once monthly. This is something I really value, but still try to save money, go to matinee shows, get discount tickets, etc..
This list is much more reasonable than last month, it just felt so much busier in August, too. Things slow down in the fall, spending slows down, too. I wonder if I can get the everything else category even lower now that I don't have this project. I still need one more thing for the bike eventually (either a hand pump or the air canisters for to-go flats), I may need to get some printer ink, etc... But, I see no more BIG purchases for a while! Let's hope I can stick to that.
Thank you so much if you read this behemoth of a post. I am not known for writing curtly.
Re: ER(E) with a disability
i read the behemoth of a post, fingers crossed you have an easy time in the "purge" period and fingers crossed the new treatment works well!
Re: ER(E) with a disability
Have you ever tried hemingwayapp: https://hemingwayapp.com/
I too am verbose. The site helped my writing. I like it better than Grammarly. When motivated, I'll run my posts through and tighten things up. Doing so lends clarity to my thoughts, and so adds value to keeping the journal.
Best of luck on treatment. I admire your persistence in seeking care options and acting as a self advocate. It's not easy, especially when already juggling demands of the medical condition.
Re: ER(E) with a disability
Just ran this through the Hemingway app and I got a grade 5/good on the readability. So, I guess my writing is pretty clear, but it won't help me have less to say in general, lol. I tend to talk how I write, and I'm infamous for talking a lot as well. I think I like clarifying in advance, giving a level of detail so nobody is left confused.Scott 2 wrote: ↑Wed Sep 28, 2022 8:44 amHave you ever tried hemingwayapp: https://hemingwayapp.com/
I too am verbose. The site helped my writing. I like it better than Grammarly. When motivated, I'll run my posts through and tighten things up. Doing so lends clarity to my thoughts, and so adds value to keeping the journal.
Best of luck on treatment. I admire your persistence in seeking care options and acting as a self advocate. It's not easy, especially when already juggling demands of the medical condition.
Re: ER(E) with a disability
I have a quick update because little else matters.
My health has all taken a hit far earlier than expected. I will probably have to resign from my job with few job prospects by around March 1st (shortly after receiving my bonus).
I expect to have $360k over my accounts. I won't qualify for any kind of disability. Budgeting these past few months has worked very well as preparation for this.
I don't know what the plan is afterwards, but I do know there will be more out of pocket medical expenses that are simply not on the insurance radar like the $1600 one I paid last month.
I would strongly prefer to not work more than 12 hours a week, and the only kind of work I can do now is minimum wage. Also, I am unable to drive due to my disability, so that cuts off a lot of job opportunities as well.
Do we think I can ERE? Any recommended places to move with the constraints of walkable, good healthcare laws and access, and cheap enough to survive on maybe $10-14k a year without having much in the way of barterable skills?
My health has all taken a hit far earlier than expected. I will probably have to resign from my job with few job prospects by around March 1st (shortly after receiving my bonus).
I expect to have $360k over my accounts. I won't qualify for any kind of disability. Budgeting these past few months has worked very well as preparation for this.
I don't know what the plan is afterwards, but I do know there will be more out of pocket medical expenses that are simply not on the insurance radar like the $1600 one I paid last month.
I would strongly prefer to not work more than 12 hours a week, and the only kind of work I can do now is minimum wage. Also, I am unable to drive due to my disability, so that cuts off a lot of job opportunities as well.
Do we think I can ERE? Any recommended places to move with the constraints of walkable, good healthcare laws and access, and cheap enough to survive on maybe $10-14k a year without having much in the way of barterable skills?