Tactics For Dealing With Predatory Relatives In Old Age

[Sclass]

Sounds like my dad. Controlling people with money alone works up till the point it doesn’t.

I think my father knew this and that’s why he’s done almost everything to obfuscate ownership and left estate transfer murky. Made getting control of my mother’s assets difficult when she became incapacitated. His crude tricks have worked well on my step family. They’re greedy and dumb.

It’s finally backfiring on him. But it’s his end so in a way he’s won. He’s just surrounded by his own jackals in his final moments. I get to watch them disassemble his control machine. they are happy but they don’t realize they’ve grown old being manipulated by the old guy. Wasted lives.

Call blocking has been really good to keep my sanity. Covid has given me an excuse to refuse in person meetings.

Not depending on family for money is a good thing. I wonder if not depending on family for care is also good? At the end of the day what is motivating all these people?

[Ego]

Controlling people with money alone works up till the point it doesn’t.

Yep. This is it. The only way to win is not to play.

[WFJ]

Sounds like my dad. Controlling people with money alone works up till the point it doesn’t.

I think my father knew this and that’s why he’s done almost everything to obfuscate ownership and left estate transfer murky. Made getting control of my mother’s assets difficult when she became incapacitated. His crude tricks have worked well on my step family. They’re greedy and dumb.

It’s finally backfiring on him. But it’s his end so in a way he’s won. He’s just surrounded by his own jackals in his final moments. I get to watch them disassemble his control machine. they are happy but they don’t realize they’ve grown old being manipulated by the old guy. Wasted lives.

Call blocking has been really good to keep my sanity. Covid has given me an excuse to refuse in person meetings.

Not depending on family for money is a good thing. I wonder if not depending on family for care is also good? At the end of the day what is motivating all these people?

I hope it's Karma that is the reason people will care for elders.

All the family deaths in my family have result in four figure payouts and not worth it for anyone to fight (I always used the money for education). Luckily most of my experience with money at the time of death was in non-family members and only offer third party unrelated advice if asked. One case appears to be similar to above where the elder was using money to control those around him and not interested in a solution (Irrevocable trust would solve all the issues but would relinquish his control and not pursued). People tend to make their own beds in life and in death.

[The Old Man]

As far as the YouTube video is concerned this issue is real. A combination of incompetence, indifference, lack of oversight, and especially greed leads to this being a real problem. See the post by bostonimproper.

Yes, conservatorship abuse is very real.

It is important to recognize that the conservator abusers are looking for an easy mark. They don't want a fight. The best defense is social capital where relatives or friends are involved in the life of the elderly person. If despite the presence of family/friends the issue arises, then lawyering up is the only solution. But, again they are not looking for a fight.

Having enough assets to where a conservator would want to get involved, means that as part of a proper defense the elderly person should have an estate plan. A properly developed estate plan makes the job of the lawyers to defeat the conservators that much easier.

As far as predatory relatives are concerned, social capital is again the solution. If social capital is zero, then the elderly person would have to pay for the support. If the person cannot take of themselves, then they would have to go to an assisted living facility. If they can take care of themselves but have difficulty with their finances (very common with early-stage dementia), then an accounting firm may be the answer. Estate planning is essential.

Planning for the last stage of life is unpleasant, but it is important. Social capital is the most important capital.

[Sclass]

If they can take care of themselves but have difficulty with their finances (very common with early-stage dementia), then an accounting firm may be the answer. Estate planning is essential.

This works up till the point it doesn’t.

Been there done that. This kind of approach gets you to a point of temporary stability where you can exhale. Then the disease progresses and you’re knocked off balance again. For example the accountant may not want to deal with an increase in irrational behavior. Then you have to adapt again. I changed tack with my mom’s estate half a dozen times as she spun out. The temporary relief feels really short as you struggle with the next crisis and look back on your former plan.

Just saying, I kicked the can down the road for years with my mom. Last year’s solution was no good this year as the disease marches on. The breather of a few months is gone and you get a new crisis which requires mitigation for temporary relief till the next crisis.

In retrospect I should have taken a more long term view of the problem and set up a system that would function from early onset to hospice.

My desire is to just hand everything over to others as soon as I realize I’m becoming my mom. One plan from now till eternity.

[Ego]

Planning for the last stage of life is unpleasant, but it is important. Social capital is the most important capital.

I am in the position to see another one of these situations unfold and getting to watch the familiar catch-22 occur.

The old person trusts one child and is reluctant to trust the other. The trusted child is independent, self-sufficient and reluctant to help. The untrusted child is less self-sufficient and seems enthusiastic to help. It is hard to know family dynamics but it seems the trusted child is reluctant to help because they do not want to offend their enthusiastic sibling and are trying to find a middle ground between their parent's wishes and their sibling's motivations. The old person believed they had the social capital situation solved but now they are realizing the complexity of it.

@Sclass, I guess one silver lining with your situation was the fact that you were willing and able to prioritize your mother's needs and ignore your siblings predatory nature. I am realizing how rare this is.

[Sclass]

I’m still trying to get my head around what really happened to me and mom. I was sitting in her garden today trying to play it all back. How did this thing even happen?

My neighbor was asking me today how I got the house and what I intend to do with it.

I wish I’d never reached for this bait.