Jupiter's Universe

[Jupiter]

June 2023 expenses:

I nailed my goal of 1270 cad again! Woohoo!

June considerations:

Yet another fun month, but I am starting to grow dissatisfied with myself: I am falling right back into my old workaholic habits of working all the time and feeling frustrated if I have an event that distracts me from making progress on the team project. Some people who care about me have been good trying to prevent me from doing extra work after 9pm, or to take time off during the weekends, but I've also been good at making it seem as if I would take a break, while continuing to work once they left. A positive point: I finally read the ERE book. I found it really useful, as I like books that are going deep on the big picture side. Naturally, since I was thinking about it recently, the part about work eating up your life really got me haha. Now, I just need to find a vision to replace some of the work hours with something equally productive, but that take source from another of my interests. Even better if it does not implies sitting in front of a computer. On another topic, I know that I will probably exceed my budget in July and in August. Hopefully, it won't be by too much, but some family will be visiting me, and they want us to go on a small trip together. I said yes, but I know it's going to be very difficult for me to keep my expenses at the usual level while renting accommodations and eating out more often for 2 weeks.

[Jupiter]

July 2023 expenses:

I went a bit over the 1270 cad budget, by about 160 cad. This is mostly because of the first wave of family visiting me, we went on a small trip and ate at the restaurant many times. It could have been worse.

July considerations:

I just worked, really. I went on a hike with my family on the weekend that they were in town. It was very steep, almost like a long staircase/ladder. I felt dizzy and saw stars. I think I don't sleep enough, I work too much. Plus, I might lack of iron in my diet. I've always had s really low blood pressure, but now I feel I must do something about it. Besides that, I am having a blast. My team is doing great, we enjoy working with each other and I feel good about the progress we are making.

[Jupiter]

August 2023 expenses:

Exactly the same as last month's expenses: about 160 cad more than my 1270 cad budget. Nothing to be alarmed by, I went on a vacation with some family members.

August considerations:

The firsts 2/3 of the month were just work, again. We are almost done with our final project, the next weeks are going to be our last push of content & polish phase. I started my vacation exhausted, but I rested a lot and went on long walks in nature. Now, I feel much better and ready to push through the end of my game design course. I tried something new this month: social media. I subscribed to LinkedIn, because I have to think of finding a job soon (and because it's mandatory for one of our classes). I'm a bit puzzled with what to post about on this platform. It feels weird and slightly egotistical to me, but maybe I just need to get more comfortable in sharing things that feel somewhat private for people to "shop" me. I'm really excited to keep working on my project, and for the fall (apple season!!).

[zbigi]

LinkedIn is bizzare, most posts there are very thinly disguised humblebrags, self-promotion or congratulating oneself on one's moral virtues. I recommend not posting anything there ever (apart from neutral messages like "my team is looking for C# programmer, anyone interested?").
Also, I've noticed that, even though Americans are only a small minority of my LN network, they post a substantial portion (perhaps a majority) of such posts. It says troubling things about America's work culture.

[Chris]

LinkedIn is bizzare, most posts there are very thinly disguised humblebrags, self-promotion or congratulating oneself...

@zbigi is on-point here.

"I'm very excited to announce ISO-19011 certification!"

Are you, Cindy? Very excited? Really?

Before it was an outlet for hyperbolic puffery, LinkedIn it was basically just a dynamic online résumé. There were no activity feeds or even profile photos! They've added more engagement features over time to entice daily usage, but for myself (and most of my connections), it's just a place to keep your professional persona up-to-date. And for that, it works. I have benefited from using it, and I do like to occasionally check-in with former colleagues.

For job hunting, recruiters search based on location and skills, not post activity. A profile that's accurate and complete is more important than one that has lots of activity.

[Jupiter]

Oh, okay! Thank you for the tip, @zbigi! I'll keep it straight and simple. And I'll try to find more data that confirms this statement about Americans being noisy on there.

Are you, Cindy? Very excited? Really?

I wonder what percentage of people are actually very, very excited about those certifications. I'm expecting it to be quite low, but I would be happy to be surprised otherwise.

I have benefited from using it, and I do like to occasionally check-in with former colleagues.

So far, I've more received messages, one notable one from an unknown person saying things like "I'd like to connect with you to know more about your experience and area of expertise at X", X being the place where I study. My scam meter activated, with such vague terms and my incapability to find the company that person was claiming to be the co-founder and product owner of.

For job hunting, recruiters search based on location and skills, not post activity. A profile that's accurate and complete is more important than one that has lots of activity.

I think it's true for many domains. I heard professionals in video game art discussing on how having an amazing instagram with daily posts is a huge waste of time towards your vg career, because being popular on instagram and doing good artwork that serves a bigger project with a bigger team are two different things. What are the chances someone will bring you in for an interview solely based on the content of your social media posts? If even artists, whose product is very easy to consume on social media (a piece of art, a look), are told to avoid this hyperactivity trap, I don't think it shall be very elevated.

[zbigi]

I think it's true for many domains. I heard professionals in video game art discussing on how having an amazing instagram with daily posts is a huge waste of time towards your vg career, because being popular on instagram and doing good artwork that serves a bigger project with a bigger team are two different things. What are the chances someone will bring you in for an interview solely based on the content of your social media posts? If even artists, whose product is very easy to consume on social media (a piece of art, a look), are told to avoid this hyperactivity trap, I don't think it shall be very elevated.

In coding, if you do amazing work and opensource it (so that others can read the code), this will be a huge leg up. However, that is by no means mandatory to get a good job - a fraction of people capable and willing to do such amazing work is so small that teams cannot reasonably expect to hire only such people (rather, are happy if they can get even one such individual).
On the other hand, doing middling open source contributions for the sake of career is a waste of time (unless you're a junior and it's your first job I guess) - they don't demostrate anything that your work experience hasn't already demonstrated.

[ertyu]

I don't post anything on linkedin. I still get contacted by recruiters. I keep it for the job ads. What type of online presence is most useful varies by industry, so my best advice is to look at some entry and midlevel professionals in your field and ape them. i've gathered it's the done thing for middle management with further ambitions for promotion to be the certification-excited Cindy, but that might just be my field. I usually only update linkedin when it's time to find another job

[Jupiter]

a fraction of people capable and willing to do such amazing work is so small that teams cannot reasonably expect to hire only such people (rather, are happy if they can get even one such individual).

I think I met one of those really good contributors once. He was an ex-UN person, very knowledgeable in business, had a clear understanding of politics all around the world, and could code entire prototypes for getting the green light for projects in his department in an hour. Thus, his team really liked him. He left UN because of the slow rhythm at which things were happening there (and I believe, also because of low pay) to start his own non-profit in civil techs. For a while, I was looking up to him and hoping to have the same kind of magical touch and intelligence. But then, I realized his performance was coming from a place of absolute love (he deeply loved programming, politics, world affairs, civic tech and social justice). Hence, the success he was encountering was simply a byproduct of doing all the things he was passionate about at once.

I don't post anything on linkedin. I still get contacted by recruiters. I keep it for the job ads. What type of online presence is most useful varies by industry, so my best advice is to look at some entry and midlevel professionals in your field and ape them.

You've convinced me; I will try the low-effort, high-reward, passive method. And after a few portfolio prep classes under my belt, what I've gathered is that once you are known enough in the industry, you start to just have friends or ex-colleagues asking you to come and join them on new projects. The instructor was saying that really, LinkedIn is just there for the usual checks when a company is thinking of hiring you...

i've gathered it's the done thing for middle management with further ambitions for promotion to be the certification-excited Cindy, but that might just be my field.

Oh! Out of curiosity, what is your field?

[Jupiter]

September 2023 expenses:

I did well, but spent about 120 cad more than my 1270 cad monthly budget. It's totally my fault, I went on a few hikes out of the city earlier this summer and my friends just now asked for the money to repay my share of the fuel for the car. I had forgotten that I was waiting for them to tell me how much I owed them, and they thought about it way later. Also, I bought 8 large peanut butter jars at the grocery store: they were on sale. And a lot of long-lasting foods to replenish the shelves.

September considerations:

School will be over in a few days! I can't wait to have my graduation ceremony. What's funny is that I was merely indifferent when I graduated from the computer engineering programme many moons ago. Now, I feel way more invested in what I'm learning and genuinely passionate about my field, so I'm really proud to graduate even though it's just a post-secondary education diploma, instead of a proper university bachelor's/master's. I am forever grateful to have an internship set up after graduation. The job market in games is at its lowest point since many years (according to all the industry people I've heard in the past months) and a lot of my colleagues are struggling to find job postings for their qualification level. Even seniors are not having a good time! Games are a scary business, but horror is a good genre

[Jupiter]

October 2023 expenses:

I was under my 1270 cad budget ^^

October considerations:

I am so, so grateful for my job! This is the greatest thing ever!! I love my tasks and my colleagues, and although I know I'm into the honeymoon phase of starting a new situation, there is just something about this one that tells me I am in the right spot at last, after trying so many domains. I can see myself grow within that context, and I'm so excited to see what I'll learn. Plus, I am going to soon touch my first paycheck in over a year, which feels great. I am looking forward to see my numbers grow again. I haven't quite found a routine yet, but it will come, I am confident. For the next month, I just wish that my horrible impostor syndrome feelings will go away. I don't have a lot of techniques to prevent that/ get out of that mindset, but I'll do some research. It's a nice challenge and I will try to overcoming with vigor.

[Jupiter]

November 2023 expenses:

Awful month for expenses I bought a plane ticket for a round trip to go see my family, I bought Christmas gifts and I gave a lot of money to a coworker that had a huge medical emergency and needs financial support during recovery. At least, my saving rate is above 0%, which is nice compared to the year that just passed. I also made a calculation based on my new salary, and I am expecting a saving rate of about 65% in the next months.

November considerations:

I am still in love with my job, except only harder. I never thought someone could feel so much for a JOB. I am smiling so hard on my way to work, and I have trouble sleeping because I am too excited thinking about the amazing things I'll get to do the next day. Plus, I wake up before my alarm turns on, with febrile energy. I'm exhausted! I really hope it is going to calm down. I am drinking a lot of chamomile and trying to rest. I don't know what cocktail of hormones my body is feeding to my brain, but it is wild. And I still feel a huge impostor syndrome. All those emotions, combined with the general fatigue, are the perfect storm for a big, giant crash. I hope I can ease out things before it all explodes.

[Jupiter]

December 2023 expenses:

I saved 50% of my income!! Wooo
I was travelling, so I had expenses that I didn't account for (mainly transportation and restaurant). Still, I am proud to see the strategy is working. I am confident that January will make the 65% target.

December considerations:

Everything is going much better! I started to run again, and it helped tremendously with emotion temperance. I also took a break and saw family, which was good for my health. I am very hopeful for 2024, I think it will be an amazing year on the financial side of things. I am so excited to work, but also to take a bit of time to relax.

[Jupiter]

January 2024 expenses:

I saved 55% of my income. It's better than last month, but I really wanted to hit 65%
I think I will have to change my lifestyle if I want to hit 65%. Rent would be a good place to start... I think I will be casually looking.

January considerations:

There were a lot of layoffs around me this month. It was a bit stressful, because I love my job and I want to keep working there. I am exercising more regularly, the routine is starting to kick in. The only other thing I am preoccupied with is the impostor syndrome feelings that won't go away. I think it got even worse towards the latest part of the month. My resolution is to find books that discuss that topic and see if there are any actionable items I could tackle.

[zbigi]

A perspective on impostor syndrome:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Byi41Ao-PP8

[Jupiter]

A perspective on impostor syndrome:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Byi41Ao-PP8

Hi zbigi! Sorry for the late reply, I saw your comment and I had to think about it for a while, because it is a very interesting perspective. Basically, if I can paraphrase, this person is saying that some people use the term "imposter syndrome" to deflect their own attention from their lack of skill (the real issue) to a so-called lack of confidence.

At first, I found this video very comforting. I was thinking, oh, I can fix my issue very easily then! I can study really hard, practice my skills all nights and weekends, and work harder during my work hours: eventually, the imposter syndrome will disappear. I really like an empowering discourse, especially as I am already on this quest of becoming a better human and game designer, putting all my heart and energy into it. It was telling me, just keep at it, you are on the right path, you don't need to change anything.

But then, I re-watched it, and realized it is based on the premise that your brain is trying to trick you into thinking your skill level is just fine - if only you had the confidence in it -, which is not what I can observe around me! Most people affected by imposter syndrome are persuaded that everything they make is infinitely inferior in quality than what their peers are producing, that they don't make enough of it, and that they have to work incredibly hard to reach a mediocre level. If they receive praise for their work, they will somewhat think that people are lying to them.

I had deep conversations with many leads and seniors at my workplace. All of them told me they had imposter syndrome, even if, from my humble point of view, they are all amazing at their jobs. They are working really, really hard on their skills, day and night (one of them even is fixing bugs at 11pm on a Saturday) and they still feel imposter syndrome.

As a result, I was inclined to think that blaming the lack of skill wouldn't solve my issue, because it wasn't solving it for them, and because I don't think what I am feeling stems from my brain trying to distract me from my lack of skills: I am painfully aware that I am an intern surrounded by very experienced designers. I went on and read a couple of books with imposter syndrome as one of the topics, and couldn't find a satisfying answer there either.

Finally, and this is where I am at in my reflection, I found that video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4P40hzv7OI

[zbigi]

The person in the video I posted is Jonathan Blow, an insanely skilled and talented programmer and game designer. If you're into game design and tech too, it could be good for you to look into him. Just keep in mind that his views are considered extreme by many in the industry (e.g. his small company is currently making their own programming language and their own 3D engine in that language, to retain full creative control and guarantee high technical quality of the game they're making). These views certainly work for him though, given his accomplishments.

Regarding imposter syndrome - his view on programming is that, when done right, it's a very deep skill, and takes years on focused practice to get decent at. When the field was small and getting into tech was much harder that today (C and C++ vs Python and JavaScript), say 30 years ago, the programmers were self-selected among smart and hard-working people (think @jacob-types), and there was no impostor syndrome in the industry. Now the field is full of people who neither have that much aptitude for computing nor interest in it, but who nevertheless got the job because the field exploded and the bar to entry got much, much lower. These people are performing "adequately" at their jobs, but that's because the bar is set low, by the laws of commerce (companies who would retain their hiring bar from 1994 would not be able to find employees today, so they staff their teams with whoever they can get). Those people are, at the same time, often aware of their deficiencies (all it takes is one genuinely good programmer on the team for everybody else to see their deficiencies), and that creates the imposter syndrome. Experiencing such syndrome is of couse not a very nice feeling, hence the impulse to rationalize it on conscious level as just a BS syndrome, and not a real issue.

[Jupiter]

The person in the video I posted is Jonathan Blow, ...

Ouh! I know them by reputation. Braid is a cool game. I really like also the idea of making your own game engine, especially when your game is quite unique in its design and thus need functionalities that could be better integrated from the get-go. What is your relationship with the world of video games? Are you a player, a developer?

Now the field is full of people who neither have that much aptitude for computing nor interest in it, but who nevertheless got the job because the field exploded and the bar to entry got much, much lower. These people are performing "adequately" at their jobs, but that's because the bar is set low [...]. Those people are, at the same time, often aware of their deficiencies (all it takes is one genuinely good programmer on the team for everybody else to see their deficiencies), and that creates the imposter syndrome.

That is so interesting. I was reading a book on learning in the 21st century this week (https://link.springer.com/book/10.1057/9780230106734, I loved that book), and it was discussing of grit as the combination of passion and persistence. Since persistence is much more easier to get when you are passionate, and since persistence is what is needed to dive deep into a field and become proficient in it, passion a massive advantage in achieving excellence. The book was also describing how passions are ignited and cultivated, but that's another story.

Those people you are talking about probably aren't suffering from imposter syndrome as it is defined in the literature, because the imposter syndrome is felt in spite of being really good at your job (external high performance, internal denial of any kind of success-related satisfaction).

I will use my imagination here, and formulate the hypothesis that they are probably feeling like imposters because they are. They are part of a community for a reason outside of passion & of why the community exists in the first place, and thus have a hard time to display the grit needed to improve and thrive at their job. They might feel like they are faking (partially or completely) their enthusiasm for the work they must do, spending so many hours discussing topics that they deep down don't really care about. This dissonance, amplified by seeing other "true passionate" people in their field perform to a level that they should aspire to reach, while in reality they are simply longing for feeling the same fire as them, would induce a great deal of anxiety.

[Jupiter]

February 2024 expenses:

I saved 55% of my income again. Better than nothing!

February considerations:

This month went by so fast! I liked it a lot, I faced captivating challenges at work. Also, I read so many books and a few of them I really enjoyed. Additionally, I will be moving soon! The room is similar in price, I could not find cheaper than what I already pay since I am on the cheaper side of the range for my city, but it is much closer to my workplace. Hopefully I can run (or bike, if I decide to find myself a bicycle) to the office.

[zbigi]

Yep, I agree with your description of the "fake" imposter syndrome.

Regarding video games - I don't play many games (practically exclusively Magic Arena and Civilization V last couple of years), but I'm somewhat interested in game design. I don't think I love games enough to become game designer or developer though - it's super hard work and I'm just not motivated enough to do it (and the monetary motivation in case of taking a job with a video game company is famously on the lower side). I like the technical challenge of it though - right now, I'm playing with graphics programming (coding a renderer in DirectX12 from scratch).

Regarding passion being helpful - yep, I agree with that. I think that's fairly common "old folks" wisdom - take the job in the field you're excited about, and the excitement will allow you to deal better with the parts of the job that are meh. However, when many people follow this advice (which is the case right now), we end up with a situation where, say, theoretical physicist or graphics programmer jobs require pretty large sacrifices, when compared to available alternatives.