Bz5 Journal

[Bz5]

I took time off to think, stew things over in my life with the ERE book.

There is much conflict in my goals and plans. Much of it does not make sense.

I followed through with the solid axle plan. But the juice isn't worth the squeeze. So instead of falling for sunk costs, I am junking the project and selling the axle off. Just not worth it. I'm only out $450.

What was really driving the solid axle swap was a fear of repairing the IFS brackets if I had to tear into the front suspension. The response was far out of proportion to the problem.

Honestly, the IFS system on these trucks is stronger than the front axle housing. I did late project research after committal that shows the housings are weaker.

Once I learned how to weld, it quieted this fear. I can repair the body brackets on any car when I need to now. So there is no need to spend money on the beater. It's just a house for now.

I don't need a weld truck to weld for people anyway. A powered bicycle trailer, home-built can carry a small suitcase welder and power cables to weld at their houses if that is what is wanted.

Even a larger engine drive can be fitted with bicycle wheels and towed. Think Predator 9000 size.

In fact, I look back at all the cars I have owned, and although they have been useful, I have hated each and every one because of constant problems that have to be solved everyday in ownership. Parking is a big one. I hate parking.

I also really really hate driving. I fucking hate driving.

I don't even want it anymore. I obtained it in a period where I thought equipment would save me from problems. More equipment means more problems.

Owning a car for me was more about preventing social stigmas. I took time to look around me, see what car ownership is all about.

I was afraid to live in an apartment/shared housing because of the phobia of being thrown out, which is what happened at my home growing up, being constantly thrown out.

Rent costs in this area are 650 or more. I have met someone who rents for 400 per month, and he shares a 10x10 casita with 3 other people. The amount of space is similar to my truck cab, but standing room. I have gotten my stuff down to almost nothing, I could adapt to it if it was offered. I have to invest in the relationship more, see if that works out. I think a time constraint would be really good there.

I am afraid to live in a tent because of the low social value this confers upon you in America. Here, buying power is correlated with social attention. I don't even think this is the case itself. I think that any anti-consumer, whether they live in a van or on the street, is a nobody in the good ol USSA.

That realization helped. If it is truly a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation here, that relaxes my mind better than the inevitable Thanos.

Before I was wishy washy on ERE committal because I was not in touch with what I really needed or wanted.

Now I am more than ready to sell bullshit items that get in the way. I will be relieved when the truck is gone, and also kicking myself for selling it, like every other car. they're just emotions, they cant hurt me haha.


The Plan:


I don't want to live here anymore, that will solve the problem.

I need to get away, see what other places have to offer.

I think I can get minimum 6000 for the Toyota. That, along with working full time here for a few months, will get me a years worth of expenses in another country. During that year, I am going to figure out remote work skills. If I fail utterly, then I can come back to the USSA, Not a problem.

The failure plan:



I will find another job, maybe at mcdonalds if that happens. I am not even 30 yet, so that helps, I am not too old, I'll apply for benefits, etc. I'll get a cheap 1500 dollar minivan. No one wants used minivans for some reason. I've mastered car living, so that won't be hard at all. I can most any common machine at this point, it's not that hard anymore.

I'll save up another year of expenses, then take it off and learn remote skills again. So my next 3 years are spoken for on this plan.

If I make it out there, then I will take the proceeds and stay permanently traveling. At this point, I deserve that.



I made 4 big purchases this year because I had never had anything nice growing up. My "dream truck", a nice generator, a nice truck topper, and a Brompton.

The Brompton is the only one that returned money to my pocket (anti-gasoline) and joy to my mind. I love that thing and I will never sell it. It is so much fun to hop on the bus with it!

The rest are being put up for sale. I am tired of my consumption. So much mental agony over stuff. It ends when we say it does.

I am more open to advice now. Theydies and Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to be free. Please, help me be free by breaking my thinking.

[AxelHeyst]

This post resonates. I just sold my truck (2000 taco, first and only car I've owned) a few days ago, and I feel light. And some switch has flipped in my -- I was going to say "thinking", but it's more "feeling" I think -- in the direction of increased velocity towards the fringes of acceptable society. I read a book about freediving, and apparently at about 40' down there's a point where you become neutrally buoyant and then you become negatively buoyant. So to freedive without ballast, you have to kick down to this point or a little below and then you just tuck your chin, point your toes, and there's nothing to it any more because gravity has got you. It feels like I'm right around this point, mentally, where it's just not going to take as much mental effort. Sounds like you might be at a similar point. I don't have any advice at the moment, just encouragement. Hit me up if you make it overseas in a few months, I'll be somewhere working on my "$200usd or less/mo" game.

[Bz5]

Sub-basement of wheaton. That's where I am. Hybrid homelessness with saving money.

I got a check for my 2 weeks of work. 400 bucks. I have hardly spent the money since.

I don't even want the brompton anymore. I would rather find a free bicycle when I need it, that I don't care about.

The brompton is Excellent! 10/10 would recommend, but I have such a fear of it being stolen I don't want it.

I also dislike the parts not being easily obtainable.



I started getting "nice stuff". Turns out it was just marketed stuff. I am wrapping my head around that.

The biggest fear complex I have is that if I get more ERE, and for me that is adapting to carless living, I will end up in prison somehow, because I am a victim that can be exploited at that point. I won't have any social power.


I am unsure where to go from here. I don't know what self-care is, is it having stuff you like? Or is it peace of mind?

Or is it walking away from 95% of the culture?

How can I blend in without spending in?


The only thing I really want to spend money on is a battery for my water boiler, and enough solar to boil that water, but is that really necessary if there are trees and fuel in the environment?


A concrete thing I did was drop the mobile data. I got a tello sim for 8 dollars a month, talk and text.

So 110 to 8 bucks.

Another concrete thing is I am contemplating selling everything off that I can't replace for under 100 bucks.

The final concrete thing is I listed all of my interests on a sheet of paper, and found a place where I can work in all of that.

Cybersecurity is my final career choice. I am in a Rust program.

[Bz5]

I would love to meet up with you Axelheyst. Keep me posted.

I am falling with style to bedrock ocean.

[unemployable]

From the limited info you've shared I'd put you way above the Wheaton sub-basement. You seem to have a pretty high standard deviation though. Level 8 in some things.

A concrete thing I did was drop the mobile data. I got a tello sim for 8 dollars a month, talk and text.

If you don't use data, and/or can get by using wifi when it's available look into Tracfone. They occasionally have deals where a new phone plus one year of service is cheaper than the year of service by itself. Although you'd need a place for the phone to be mailed to. Anyway I'm under $5/month until June 2023.