AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Where are you and where are you going?
mooretrees
Posts: 762
Joined: Sun Jan 27, 2019 1:21 pm

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by mooretrees »

I have really enjoyed reading your journal of late. I moved to a new area several years ago and it's taken quite a few years to build a community that I really enjoy. I am still working on deepening friendships with folks/families that I really like. It feels like an uphill struggle sometimes.

To try and make friends I thought I would gel with I volunteered at our local farmer's market. That was a genius idea it turns out. It gave me exposure to folks that I've become good friends with. I feel like my breadth of friends is good now, but the depth is still a work in progress.

I hope you continue to make progress on your journey and it's really interesting to read about all that you're learning.

AnalyticalEngine
Posts: 949
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 11:57 am

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by AnalyticalEngine »

Thanks @mooretrees! I'm glad you've enjoyed the journal. Building relationships is an incredibly difficult task in today's world for so many reasons, but it's also critically important. As I've put a ton of effort into this, I've realized it's an uphill battle to build relationships because every facet of our society has effectively removed the relational component. You can buy groceries at Walmart without talking to anyone, work from home without having to talk to any coworkers, entertain yourself exclusively on Netflix, etc. You mix in how often Americans move cities and how most people only have time for work/raising kids, and the social scene becomes tumbleweeds. Much like how obesity is the social default and requires going against the grain to avoid, so too is loneliness going to be the default condition unless you take major steps to avoid it.

Building relationships with others also involves self-development from both parties so you don't wound each other in the process, which has been another big growth area. I've found that cultivating relationships I enjoy (deep friendships) requires a ton more personal work than merely accepting relationships I don't enjoy but are the social default (certain family members, coworkers, ect).

I'll have to checkout the farmer's market here and see if there are opportunities. I have enjoyed seeing the wide range of different people at all the different groups I've tried. The Police Department is very different from book club which is different from DnD which is different from workout groups. You learn some environments are a better fit only through trial and error.

AnalyticalEngine
Posts: 949
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 11:57 am

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by AnalyticalEngine »

Mid-month Update
I am currently in the middle of trying to change a lot about my life. This has been worthwhile so far but I'm running into a few roadblocks that I am trying to work around. Most of these issues come down to managing my energy levels. I've been stuck in a pattern of pushing myself too hard then crashing the next day and being unable to function, so I am currently trying to step back and assess what it is exactly I'm trying to do. I'm trying to balance the fine line between accepting myself for who I am and not blindly trying to live up to social expectations, but also not boxing myself into assumptions about myself such that I don't grow as a person.

I've read before that the main difference between introverts and extroverts is how much stimulation they need, and this is something I strongly relate to. You could call me an "introvert," although this is not because I don't like people or have poor social skills. Neither of those are true. Rather, it's that I find certain situations, environments, and people extremely draining, and so I am trying to design my life around the activities I find energizing and minimize the ones I find draining.

Socializing
This is one area I'm stepping back from because it has started to consume my entire schedule. I'm coming to accept that your social life in your 30s just looks different than your social life in your 20s. Namely, I think it's a lot harder to have a giant group of pleasure friends in your 30s because everyone is busy with work and kids.

This isn't to say my efforts here have failed. On the contrary, I think I've done well, and I have made a handful of friends at the activities. But "meeting new people" has the potential to be a bottomless pit because "hanging out" is only one type of social activity. Other people are getting a lot more casual socialization than I am in the form of work, church, family, whatever, and these types of connections are easier to maintain than "hanging out" because they are a byproduct of whatever social organization you're participating in. What I've been looking for here are virtue friends, which are the hardest type of friend to make.

What I am going to do going forward is look at relationships as a side-effect of whatever else I am doing and simply respect most of these are going to be transient. I can still appreciate transient relationships, and I can still approach them from a position of service and positive values. But what I don't need is to wait around until I find "my tribe" or "my people" because that may simply just never happen.

I think I've been waiting around for a role model or for someone to give me permission to live my life a certain way, and that mindset is limiting because there are simply not very many people who are like me. Instead, I'm going to be better off if I just go live whatever life I want to live, approach it with the right attitude, and then the right people will come to me.

(All this aside, I do have two writing groups, one book club, and my DnD group that meet regularly, so that's already enough socializing.)

Social Milieus
There are a handful of social milieus that keep dragging me into their orbit as a consequence of my hobbies/identity that I am cutting out of my life. This really comes down to anything that is extremely politicized or drowning in hyperreality. These environments are extremely draining for me to navigate because as an INTJ, I value Logical and Individualist Thinking, also known as the road to hell. In environments that are highly politicized, no matter the politics, I am constantly biting my tongue in order to "be a team player," and it's completely suffocating. I would rather hang out with normies and discuss Sportsball than deal with hyperreal politics hell.

As a consequence of this, I am done trying to date anyone for now. I really don't mind being single and navigating the dating world has been completely draining and consumed all of my time that I would rather be spending on friendships that bring me joy or writing. I've also noticed that being in these environments causes me to experience mood swings that otherwise go away if I am simply in peace. So given how busy I am, I am going to focus on other things for now.

As a consequence of this, I have completely cut out reddit and YouTube from my life, which has had a positive effect on my mood. I realized I was using these platforms as a vent/outlet for whatever social milieu issue I was upset about, and by simply avoiding the trigger, I can avoid spending energy on digital distractions that drain my energy.

Also along with this, I am trying really hard to stop caring what anyone else things. This is again hard for an INTJ who values "concepts," but what's actually happening is I spend all this time worrying about what the clowns in the circus are saying when that's honestly a total waste of my time and energy. I'm really trying to focus on what I control and ignore everything else because I am wasting a lot of energy on stuff that is not worth it.

On Writing
I've been working on my novel for about three months now, and I've made very solid progress with the research--which has been a lot because this is historical fiction--and the outline.

I'm am, however, reaching the end of the honeymoon period with this book, which is the point where the newness and coolness of the idea wears off and you actually have to write the damned thing. This is where you realize writing is a somewhat joyless activity because it mainly consists of you sitting in a room alone and staring at a screen to come up with some novel that realistically no one really cares about.

I'm realizing that if I pursue a career as a writer, 90% of it will involve me staring at a screen full of things that no one else cares about. But honestly, I don't mind that. Writing brings me a lot of joy because I love playing with the ideas, doing the research, and bringing plot/character threads together in a satisfying way. I could see maybe 10 years of this and I'll get burned out, but for now, I want to stick through this and make a solid effort at trying to break in.

On Work
My current work from home job is ridiculously easy to the point it's stopped being easy and started being draining. Even though I work from home and have a ton of extra time compared to office work, the work itself brings me no real joy. Programming kind of sucks because you reach this plateau of being able to crank out code and that's it, you're done, you're not learning or go anywhere with it at a certain point. I'm 10 years into my career as a software dev at this point, which is the point where you've basically maxed out the career and get paid a shit ton of money to relive Groundhog Day everyday.

I am (just barely) FI, but I'm still not going to quit right now because of the current market conditions and the fact I want to save more money in the event I decide to buy a house instead of a condo. There's also the fact that many of the interesting things I can do as a 30-year-old single person with no kids are locked behind work institutions, so getting access to Cool Stuff means I have to play the game to some extent.

In the event I decide not to pursue writing, I am probably going to switch careers go into either cyber security or something related to law enforcement. I have not been focusing on that too much just yet because I am trying to give writing a shot first, but if it looks like writing is not for me after all, I will probably shift careers into something more ambitious or interesting because the lack of intellectual stimulation from work is not a good fit for my personality. I need mentally challenging material to be happy, and a job that is too easy has its own set of soulcrushing problems.

Going forward
My plan right now is to focus on these three things:
1. Writing
2. Health/fitness
3. Travel

By cutting out the things that drain my energy and focusing more on what brings me energy, I'm hoping I can carve a unique path for myself that will make use of my talents. Building your entire lifestyle outside of what normative society thinks you should be doing is challenging, and it requires you go find your own sources of meaning. So I am going to attempt to do this by basically ignoring anything that doesn't help me and trying prototypes of activities in my own life.

zbigi
Posts: 978
Joined: Fri Oct 30, 2020 2:04 pm

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by zbigi »

AnalyticalEngine wrote:
Thu Feb 16, 2023 4:33 pm
I need mentally challenging material to be happy, and a job that is too easy has its own set of soulcrushing problems.
I suspect most jobs/career tracks are designed to be "easy" this way. If they weren't, companies wouldn't be able to find enough people to grind them year after year, without completely burning out most of them. Also, that's what most people expect out of the job - something that can eventually be done on autopilot, and thus taking up minimal amounts of mental energy - so that other life activities (mainly family) can be pursued.

Also, if you're after mental stimulation, why not change the company and/or the stack? I went into Functional Programming a couple years ago and the rabbit hole goes very deep there.

User avatar
mountainFrugal
Posts: 1125
Joined: Fri May 07, 2021 2:26 pm

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by mountainFrugal »

Lots of change and movement!
AnalyticalEngine wrote:
Thu Feb 16, 2023 4:33 pm
I'm am, however, reaching the end of the honeymoon period with this book, which is the point where the newness and coolness of the idea wears off and you actually have to write the damned thing. This is where you realize writing is a somewhat joyless activity because it mainly consists of you sitting in a room alone and staring at a screen to come up with some novel that realistically no one really cares about.
The fact is that you care about the novel. N of one is enough to justify it's existence in the world. Keep going!

AnalyticalEngine
Posts: 949
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 11:57 am

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by AnalyticalEngine »

@zbigi - That's a good point. I've often said that management tailors the job to essentially the most average person's abilities because, from the company's perspective, you want workers as interchangeable as possible. No use placing the job standards at a level no one is going to be able to meet because that makes the task of sourcing talent impossible.

This makes me think that my problem is that, given the task of reinventing myself, I am necessarily having to reject many aspects of my old life style and replace them with new things. However, the mistake I've made is simply try to adopt whatever is socially acceptable/normative as a replacement, and I'm running into issues with that because my temperament and lived experiences are outside of the overton window, and so these solutions do not work for me. Put in other words, human traits can be mapped along the normal distribution, and I happen to be on the tail end of several of these distributions. Society, culture, and values are all pretty much designed for the center of the bell curve, so of course I am running into problems trying to solve a problem with the wrong tools.

I think I need to step outside of not only my current mindset but also out of the mindset of all existing proposed solutions to the problem of self-actualization and genuinely solve this problem for someone with my unique circumstances, not just the social median.

In terms of job hopping, I'm starting to accumulate a stint of 1-year tenures at the past several jobs I've been to, and given I've only had this job for one year, I'm going to start looking like an extreme job hopper. I still might do it, though. I keep thinking an academic or government type setting might be a good change of scenery since I've just worked in finance basically my entire career.

@mF - You are absolutely right! I keep thinking about Plotkin and the common subpersonality trap of thinking "the world doesn't need my novel because there are already too many books out there," which is really just a north sub protecting you from risks. I really want to see this project through to the end, and of course there are going to be hiccups along the way. Writing is not easy. But I honestly think I do have what it takes to break out professionally if that's my real goal, so I am going to keep trying.

theanimal
Posts: 2628
Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2013 10:05 pm
Location: AK
Contact:

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by theanimal »

If the software work doesn't bring you joy and you don't plan on doing it for very long, is it worth trying to fulfill their notion of keeping up appearances ? ie staying in jobs for longer than 1 year to appear committed/professional

AnalyticalEngine
Posts: 949
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 11:57 am

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by AnalyticalEngine »

@theanimal - That's a good point. I probably don't need to worry about the appearance that much because I'm basically already done with my career in its current form. I'm either going to quit or shift directions, so looking good for the next run-of-the-mill finance job is indeed a sunk cost at this point. I'll try to keep that in mind and not get stuck in the trap of getting stuck longer.

lightfruit55
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:47 pm

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by lightfruit55 »

AnalyticalEngine wrote:
Sat Feb 18, 2023 3:12 pm
@theanimal - That's a good point. I probably don't need to worry about the appearance that much because I'm basically already done with my career in its current form. I'm either going to quit or shift directions, so looking good for the next run-of-the-mill finance job is indeed a sunk cost at this point. I'll try to keep that in mind and not get stuck in the trap of getting stuck longer.
Hi AE, that's a useful reminder for me too. My full time job is not really working for me and I'm looking to forge a new way of non-salaryman/FTE living, yet I do find myself worrying about "appearances" like future work gaps (appropriate resume explanations) and gasp, even performance appraisals/target setting at my current job. I waver between caring and NGAF.

Do you think that if you were comfortably FI (as opposed to *barely* which you say you are now) you will pull the trigger to launch yourself into whatever your next phase is? Is financial security the main thing holding you back?

AnalyticalEngine
Posts: 949
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 11:57 am

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by AnalyticalEngine »

@lightfruit55 - I feel you, leaving the salaryman mindset is difficult. So much of what society values is caught up in work that actually, genuinely leaving it is incredibly difficult. I have been stuck in the trap for awhile of sticking with it because of the social value of being able to tell people I'm a software developer while having lost any ability to actually care about the job any more. For awhile, I was stuck doing the bare minimum while getting stressed and feeling bad about myself for only doing the minimum, and then stressing about stuff like performance reviews/etc while also not caring about the job at the same time. That is a special type of hell to be in because you are getting no intrinsic value from the job then tend to feel bad about yourself for "failing" due to the workaholic social culture.

My FI numbers are $650k for leanFIRE (I am here), $1 mil for standard FIRE, and $1.6 mil for fatFIRE. I am on track to have $1.6 mil by age 40 if I keep saving like I am, although at this point, I also recognize these numbers are largely imaginary/arbitrary. Having reached leanFIRE, the amount I keep saving becomes less important than simply letting the portfolio grow, so I am trying to unlearn my addiction to seeing numbers go up. It is admittedly hard right now due to the economic climate.

If I was at my fatFIRE number, I would probably quit right now. LeanFIRE is a tricky place because while I'm technically there, the opportunity cost of giving up $130k/year for a WFH job that I barely do anything for at age 32 is a hard bridge to jump. I keep trying to remind myself that there's opportunity cost to missed life while I work, as any years I continue in this job are years I'm not spending in another career or doing something else. And even with switching careers, I do worry that randomly quitting with no plan will still look bad, even in an unrelated field.

Another issue, albeit one I have largely worked past, is the fact that only half of my problems are really related to work. The rest of my issues involve internal work or a change in environment that I can do now with this job. So I suppose it's easier to procrastinate the problem of quitting with the excuse that I might as not quit until I've met every other personal goal. Which, now that I write it out, seems pretty irrational.

I've always found FIRE a little harder as a childfree, single person, not because getting there is harder (honestly, single + no kids is like a FIRE lifehack because you can keep expenses low), but because work is the only thing really tying me to society. I notice a lot of other people who FIRE are married, have kids, or have a strong internal desire to pursue independent projects. FIREing to raise kids, for example, basically just looks like becoming a STAHP from a social perspective, which is an existing lifestyle. Because the idea of that lifestyle already exists, transitioning to it is mentally easier than "shit, what do I do now that I've solved the money problem at age 32?"

But really, all of these issues related to being afraid to quit are just a manifestation of absorbing mainstream social values when they don't work for my personal situation, so I'm working to move past that. Long term, I see myself either becoming a writer or going into something like cyber security/computer crimes simply because I find those things interesting and in alignment with my goals.

calamityjane
Posts: 59
Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2023 2:51 pm

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by calamityjane »

AE, I really relate to your social conundrum. I'm in my 40s, but also at a point/place in my life where I am coming to terms with situational relationships that may be transient. It's hard to invest time and energy in relationships, especially those based on shared interests that may only co-exist for a limited amount of time, but I think the idea of a "tribe" that lasts throughout your life is a bit of a myth. Lately I've been thinking about backpacking through Central America in my 30s and meeting a bunch of people in hostels who were good friends super briefly, sometimes just for a couple days. I still remember those people and realize I actually got a lot of value out of those interactions, fleeting though they were.

AnalyticalEngine
Posts: 949
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 11:57 am

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by AnalyticalEngine »

@calamityjane - Agreed, I'm also starting to realize the notion of a "tribe" is a myth as well. I feel like the "urban tribe" is more of an aspirational ideal than a reality because of how the modern world is structured. Before the industrial revolution, humanity lived in tribes or villages with few opportunities to do things outside of your prescribed family/social role. But now, there are many things people can do without relying on lifelong connections. People can move for work, follow hobby passions, or travel. Further, a lot of the social institutions that traditionally held communities together, like religion, have been losing members and influence.

The result is that we now have unparalleled freedom to pursue whatever we want, but the cost is that community has essentially died. The popular, silicon valley idea of the "urban tribes" feels like a myth that's trying to fix a problem that's caused by a material reality. I mean really, how realistic is it that you're going to find a tribe of people who align with whatever niche contemporary identities, careers, and hobbies that will last your entire life when so many people have so many opportunities to purse things in often random and opposing directions? The result is that you're going to have more transient relationships because people do not commit to a singular social role or location any more.

Plus for me personally, I've come to realize I really dislike giving up myself for a stable social identity, which any group is going to require of its members. It's unrealistic to think of a group that's going to fit me perfectly without also demanding I conform to some of its norms. I certainly can try to find groups with better natural alignment to my temperament so membership in the group isn't a painful personal sacrifice, which I will continue to do, but I'm also going to be realistic that my personal goals may just be at odds with the modernist notion of "stable community."

So there's no use continually worrying about. Maybe it's just better to experience transient relationships to the full extent they exist while they exist then just move on to the next activity rather than keep trying to find some stable, forever tribe that just doesn't exist.

AxelHeyst
Posts: 2118
Joined: Thu Jan 09, 2020 4:55 pm
Contact:

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by AxelHeyst »

I really like how you put that. I feel like I've spent a lot of time criticizing this or that aspect of modern culture, and while those criticisms might be legitimate, you're still left with the question of how to then arrange your life. Being mad/bitter/etc about things is fun for only so long, and chasing illusions of a cultural dynamic that may or may not have ever existed (and that you may or may not be willing to give up the other things like freedom, if offered the chance, to have) doesn't have a high success rate as far as I can tell.

Do what you can with what you have.
AnalyticalEngine wrote:
Mon Feb 20, 2023 12:05 pm
Plus for me personally, I've come to realize I really dislike giving up myself for a stable social identity, which any group is going to require of its members.
This.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 9372
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Another thought is that we often have an innate tendency to have our boots in one room and our eyes on another when it comes to solitude, partnership, and tribal longings. For instance, my INFP friend who was almost 60 when she shared this observation with me was somebody who described herself as being "like a cat on a windowsill looking out at the rain", and she was almost always single and living by herself as an adult, but was also always searching for the perfect partnership. OTOH, I'm somebody who is always imagining fantasy of going off to live in the woods by myself, but IRL, I'm almost always in a partnership (or 3!), and that corresponds to my perspective/realization that only one of my 4 Spirit Animals (The Monkey, The Snowy Owl, The Deer, The Bunny) is known for being solitary.

ertyu
Posts: 2893
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by ertyu »

AnalyticalEngine wrote:
Mon Feb 20, 2023 12:05 pm
I mean really, how realistic is it that you're going to find a tribe of people who align with whatever niche contemporary identities, careers, and hobbies that will last your entire life when so many people have so many opportunities to purse things in often random and opposing directions?
The people who I know who have succeeded are all single, in their mid-30s, and living together as roommates sharing a house. I know 2 such groupings, one of 3 people, one of 4. They contain a hodgepodge of aces, aros-but-sexuals, people who have sex for "play" withing an SM context and then one of their roommates (in this case, the ace) is their "platonic life partner" and so on. One of these groupings (the 4) is in Seattle. The 3 are in Glasgow. tl;dr it's possible but usually involves cohabitation as a loose "found family"

kane
Posts: 20
Joined: Fri Dec 16, 2022 7:46 am

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by kane »

Strangely relatable problems :D

One thing that is worth keeping in mind is that falling into, lets call it, light cynicism in terms of relationship ('tribe' is a myth, relationships are a thing of the past, I have searched and have not found ergo this is almost impossible to achieve within reasonable time etc.) is not good either. This can close many roads in the future because of distorted perspective.

What have helped me in the past is to make a small retrospective on the topic of "how I got to know people that I liked the most in my life". Basically small bets a little outside of my (introverted) comfort zone... and getting to know what is a waste of (extroverted=limited) time for me.

In terms of work, what have dawned on me while I was thinking about this is that 'work' is kind of a strawman problem for me. If you could/be forced to ERE now, would you know what would you do starting tomorrow? What is work preventing you from doing? if you have not EREd now, is it higher on the list than mo' monies?

Hope I have not come out as a preacher here, it's just something I was thinking about on those topics in the past in my situation :D
ertyu wrote:
Tue Feb 21, 2023 3:00 am
They contain a hodgepodge of aces, aros-but-sexuals, people who have sex for "play" withing an SM context and then one of their roommates (in this case, the ace) is their "platonic life partner" and so on.
Gee, that seems more complex than option trading :shock:

7Wannabe5
Posts: 9372
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

ertyu wrote:
They contain a hodgepodge of aces, aros-but-sexuals, people who have sex for "play" withing an SM context and then one of their roommates (in this case, the ace) is their "platonic life partner" and so on.

kane wrote: Gee, that seems more complex than option trading :shock:
LOL- If I could find some good-natured, easy-going bi-sexual people with only casual or platonic-but-cuddly interest in me to be my housemates-permaculture-project-partners, then maybe I could convert my solo poly network into something more like a tribe. As of now, it is too heavy in grouchy old straight or only-bi-curious males who would likely last about 2 hours maximum in each other's company before getting into a fight. Luckily, my extended family of origin is like unto a cross between Little Women/Little House On the Prairie/Pride and Prejudice (any book featuring a family with 4 sisters and no brothers) and Wes Anderson movie cast of characters, so I always have a warm cuddly base tribe of High-IQ-Cuckoo-Bananas folk to fall back on for company.

chenda
Posts: 3289
Joined: Wed Jun 29, 2011 1:17 pm
Location: Nether Wallop

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by chenda »

@7w5 - HER might be a good dating app to try.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 9372
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@chenda:

Unfortunately, I am only bi-flexible, because I am sometimes attracted to women or couples (maybe 1:10 ratio vs my likelihood to be attracted to a man), but I am aros for other women. Every female in my extended biological family except for my mother (all my sisters, my daughter, and my niece) is somewhere on the spectrum from bi-flexible to pretty much 50/50 bi-sexual and/or currently married/dating somebody who transitioned (this is not unrelated to the fact that we are also all somewhere on the bi-polar spectrum and extremely liberal minded.) Because I am relatively the "straight"-est, or the least "edgy"( or most Mumsy-femme, one of my family nick-names is The Fluff) on the spectrum, they are always joking about doing something like getting me stoned and then dropping me off in some corner of Women's Music Festival. They are also zero-percent accepting of the fact that one of my poly partners voted for Trump even though I told them that he was obsessively bi-curious (actually quite possibly primarily homosexual, but hetero-aros and significantly repressed.)

@AE: Sorry for the hijack, but maybe now you can see why I think that something like my 30-something year old daughter's tribe might be a good match for you.

AnalyticalEngine
Posts: 949
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 11:57 am

Re: AE's Journal Round 5 - Finding Freedom To

Post by AnalyticalEngine »

@AxelHeyst - That's a good way to summarize it, and that is where I'm at now. I've read many criticisms of contemporary culture, and while I do agree with most of them, at this point, criticisms are no longer helping me because I need to figure out how to actually live my life presently. I have spent a lot of time being bitter about the state of the world, but I think once you get on the other side of that, you realize it's just not helpful. I really am to the point now where I can just ignore 99% of the world's bullshit and only focus on constructing a life that works for someone with my temperament. It's a more difficult question to answer, but it's also an important one.

@7W5 - Also agree that we tend to want what we don't have. I think there's a real tendency to idealize what you don't have while you're stuck in the mundane reality of whatever choice you did make, which is always going to be less exciting than a romanticized ideal of the grass on the other side of the fence.

I think this ties to a broader point that we aren't who we think we are, and it can be helpful to start to evaluate yourself simply by your behavior rather than internal ideas about yourself. I've noticed that I've had multiple opportunities to go live the normative American extroverted socialite lifestyle, and I just have never actually wanted to follow it my entire life because it's not fun for me. There's a certain amount of just accepting my behavior that's saving a lot of wasted energy I can then spend on higher value things.

@ertyu - If they are in Seattle and Glasgow, both of those are fairly large cities, which again makes me think part of my problem is I live in a suburban environment where everyone here is just married with kids. There is a low opportunity to meet people who are interested in alternative arrangements when you're in a primarily normative environment, so I do think location may be the number one factor here.

@kane - You are right that falling into pessimism would be a mistake. I'm trying to frame the problem in a way that's more realistic than how we are all taught to think about relationships. Namely, that's trying to just enjoy the relationships I have that sprout organically out of whatever else it is I'm doing rather than try to find a "tribe" or force light friendships/acquaintances to be something they're not. All relationships are transient to some degree, and I think the idea that you need your "tribe" to be happy can stop you from being happy right now, tribe or not. The key may just be to put yourself in the right environment with the right attitude and simply appreciate what flows from that without any expectation about what it should look like. If changes need to be made, you can make them to your environment or your attitude, but "relationship goals" might be a bad way to go about the problem because you just fundamentally don't control other people or socially normative expectations.

Post Reply