Crusader's Journal

Where are you and where are you going?
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Crusader
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Location: Toronto, Canada

Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

I was born in Serbia. The 90s there were not fun so my parents left the country when I was 13, and we moved around several countries in Europe before coming to Canada in 2003. First Montreal then Toronto. My parents are now retired and living in Serbia. All of this moving around gave me a lot of life experience, but I don't really feel like I belong anywhere and have struggled with a sense of belonging and on and off dysthymia (my own assessment, never diagnosed) all my life. My 20s were spent not thinking about money too much, trying to become successful with women (another one of my struggles) and indulging in hobbies such as partner dancing and travel. Not a bad life but I hated my IT 9-5 job with 3-4 weeks vacation from day 1, I just learned to tolerate it, with a lot of stress (although my job is on the low-stress side, compared to some of my other peers' jobs, and I generally like my collegues). Office Space feels like a documentary about my life. I am running around like a headless chicken trying to make the most of my vacation and free time.

Somewhere along the road, I discover index investing and slowly start stashing away money for saving. I think that starting a journal would be a good idea to keep myself on track, make me accountable and reflect regularly. Maybe even hear some good advice if anyone decides to read this.

5 Year Goal:
I would like to be say that I am FI "at 40", or just before my 41st birthday in October 2025 8-)
FU TNW target: $830k
($750k in 2020 money, 4% of which is $30k, or $2.5k per month, and I am assuming 2% inflation)
Current TNW: $346k (41%) (cash investments, tax free and tax sheltered accounts)
Target yearly expenses: $25-30k (SR 67-72%)
All values are in Canadian dollars.

ertyu
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by ertyu »

From another person who lived everywhere and thus doesn't belong anywhere: this isn't a bad thing. There is so much freedom there. So much bullshit your head could've been full of but isn't. So many ego hooks that are that much easier to let go of.

About being "successful with women": scrap that goal. Make your goal being able to have a whole, healthy relationship with another human. The reason is same as above: freedom, bullshit in head, ego hooks. Wishing you peace around this.

Full time employment blows. I'm another depressed or dysthimic or whatever fuck who had a hard time with it. Good work on the savings! You're now FI in Serbia. In a couple of years, you will be FI in Canada, too. Good work!

Crusader
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

@ertyu, I would be interested in what you mean by "bullshit" and the "ego hooks" that conventional life instills in you.

Regarding women, it's not so much that I never had a girlfriend, it's actually the opposite, I've had many (well, enough) girlfriends and relationships, but they all fell apart at around the one-year mark, which is just enough time to figure out if you function together and if you want this to go on a longer term basis. The two main problems that I can currently identify in this department are:
1) Most of what the most people do bores me to death (sports, Netflix shoes, brouhaha, Instagram travel, etc...). I can fake it for an evening or two, but when you are in a relationship with someone, that won't do. If you want to be charitable, I am more intelligent than the normies and a free/independent thinker. If you don't, I am selfish and narcissistic.
2) I have some deal-breakers that shrink my dating pool by quite a bit. I am a militant atheist (6.999... on the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spectrum_ ... robability scale), and can't imagine being in a life partnership with someone who isn't. Any hint of spirituality (unless you are an atheist like, say, Sam Harris) just rubs me the wrong way (in the context of a lifetime partner). It's not a matter of practicality, it's a matter of intellectual respect. I also absolutely need to be with a woman that is physically attractive to me, and that is interested in/ready for a relationship... and with me (see point 1).

But yes, I am focusing on developing relationships with people in general, and I do want to have a presence on dating sites as you can't win the lottery if you don't play. But I am adjusting my expectations. I (think) I would absolutely love to find a "soulmate" and have a loving family, but maybe this kind of life really isn't for me, I don't know, time will tell.

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Stahlmann
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Stahlmann »

I think that in Ist world there are secular/non-theism groups to hang out and meet people.

(It doesn't mean that they don't exist in IInd. Up this moment I haven't found ones who aren't passed their militant phase or aren't building their self worth on "atheism". Or... I still haven't figured out X-factor to become content the way I interact with other people).

Crusader
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

I did check out some "atheist/secular/whatever" meetups in Toronto, and while they are nice people, I don't feel like we have enough in common for really strong bonds to be formed. Atheism is not really something that is a hobby (I guess philosophy is), so it's kind of like saying that we have a club for people with brown hair (who cares?). And I am not really the "activist" type (although I do love a good discussion/debate among friends/close people), partly because I think it is a vain effort, and partly because I think there are people out there who are better at it than me. Also, I don't get much benefit in terms of learning or life experience hanging out with people that are similar to me.

In terms of social interaction and developing empathy and "normie behaviour", and for learning how to interact with women, what worked pretty well for me is salsa and other partner dancing. But, right now, that is put on hold due to COVID (and I am not even sure when that will be back to normal, but I am kind of enjoying the solitude and focusing on other things), and I don't really see many intellectual types there. Now, whether I need an "intellectual type" is up for debate, and I don't have an answer. So I try to focus on myself and my own happiness, which is always attractive for my potential partner and never a waste of time for myself (obviously).

Crusader
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

I have been reading some of the other journals, which are all fascinating, and decided that to use this space to not just post raw numbers, but for broader personal journaling, as I am not doing this otherwise, and I think it's useful to do.

Crusader's Biography (ages 1-13):

I was born in a country called Yugoslavia in 1984. Yugoslavia was one of the countries where "communism" worked* (well, at least socialism), and pretty much everyone had a job. My mother comes from a poor background. I remember her telling me that she had to study using candlelight during grades 1-4 because they didn't have electricity. And when she would go out during university with her sister, they only had money to pay the entrance fee to the ball/disco once a week, no drinks. Really puts things in perspective. My dad's family was a bit better off, but not by much. He was always the frugal/low ambition type. All he wanted to do is fish when he was younger. As an adult, he got a job in a government company and stayed there until retirement, earning a very modest salary (500USD/month at retirement). He is way happier than my mom, who is the neurotic, stressful type.

I had a wonderful childhood. In school, I had friends, and outside school, I would hang out with my cousins. In the summer, our family would go to a vacation home on the seaside in Montenegro. We were not rich but nobody around us was. I was an introverted good kid, mostly sticking to myself and doing homework on time (I had all As). But even then, I remember thinking how a lot of the social norms are silly. For example, how everyone wanted to be the center of attention in crowds, telling jokes and impressing others. I had no desire to do this.

But then, all hell broke loose. Yugoslavia split up and now the country I was living in was called Serbia. First, there was the civil war in Bosnia involving Croatians, Serbs and Bosnians. Luckily, my dad didn't get conscripted (Serbia was fighting for the Serbs in Bosnia), but many men went to war and we had some new refugee kids in our classes. The country experienced a trade embargo which led to oil shortages (i.e. very crowded busses) and hyperinflation. I remember going to a grocery store in the morning, then coming back in the afternoon, and the prices had already increased. Then came the tensions around Kosovo. NATO wasn't sure if they were going to bomb us or not.

* - it only worked because Tito managed to negotiate good deals and loans from both the East and the West, as each were afraid of Yugoslavia joining the other side, a strategy that is not sustainable

Crusader
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

Crusader's Biography (ages 13-18):

My mother, who wanted a better life, gets a job for an American company and the whole family moves to Bulgaria. I was very sad. All my friends were in Serbia, and till this day, I am haunted by the fact that my parents made this decision as I didn't want to move. I think that if I had left Serbia for greener pastures later on in life as an adult, I would not have had this problem, but it is what it is. After one year there, the office moves to Hungary (Budapest, one of my favourite cities in Europe), and we end up living in Hungary for 3 years. For the final 2 years of high school, I get a scholarship for a top boarding school in Britain, and for this I will be forever grateful to them. I loved my time in these international schools and all the different cultures and children I would meet. But, especially in the British school, I got to experience the harsh reality of a classist system we live in -> everyone was so much richer than me. I eventually apply to a bunch of universities and for immigration to Canada (as a family) and I got into McGill University in Montreal on a scholarship, and we get accepted for immigration.

Ages 18-23

Montreal is a great French Canadian city. The closest that you can get to Europe in North America, as well as a party town. Not that I would know as I was still a bit socially awkward and was a nerd (I studied Electrical Engineering -> I always liked computers and my parents thought that this was a safer choice over Computer Science because they thought that "programming jobs will all get outsourced to China"). In either case, I enjoyed my degree until I no longer did and decided that I liked software development more. I decide to do a Master's and focus on programming and line up a job in another city (Toronto) through my research at a large IT company (I still work there).

Ages 24-35

If I had one word to describe my job, it would be "frustrating because things don't work". I guess they wouldn't be paying me if it was easy. The difference between a controlled education environment and a job was staggering. You no longer have well designed assignments to program, rather, nobody has done what you are doing before, and things have to be perfect (at least on the product that I am working on). You sit in front of a computer and don't interact with many people. As a result, I tried to focus on hobbies and life outside work. At first, I tried to meet Serbian people in the community here, but I didn't really fit in with all the mindless drinking and/or superficiality (going to fancy clubs to be seen, etc.). Then I dated a flamenco dancer/singer, and that was wonderful as I got to experience the flamenco community and their parties. Alas, when that relationship ended, so did my love for flamenco (I took dance classes). I focused on other latin dances (salsa, bachata, zouk, kizomba). There were weeks when I would be going dancing 5-7 nights a week. I loved taking classes, interacting with all those sexy women and using a part of my brain that I don't usually use. And, I was very bad at it, so I guess that gave me a challenge to overcome which is why I found it so interesting. When COVID came, all this dancing came to a halt, but I felt like I need to scale back anyway.

Women

My biggest challenge in life have definitely been women. I always longed for that perfect soulmate AND I felt like I never had the ability to get a girl when I wanted. I was a virgin going into university and was growing more and more dissatisfied with this. Discovered the seduction community and while a lot of the guys there were great, some were creepy and I just didn't like getting rejected all the time while approaching women. I never wanted to increase my notch count, I just wanted a girlfriend/wife. Somehow, I lose my virginity when I was 21 and from then on, I was in "experience gathering mode". I wasn't looking for "the one", I just wanted to get some experience with women and enjoy myself (without lying of course). I went through many relationships but I didn't feel like any of them were "marriage material". While I gathered some experience, all of them started in the most unpredictable ways (so I still didn't feel like I had much of a choice or agency) and ended around the one year mark (when it's really a time to make a serious commitment). After a particularly heartbreaking breakup, I went through an anti-feminism, MGTOW, depressive phase.

I decided to be "smarter" with my choices of women and to have some "intelligent" requirements. I was single for 2 years before meeting one woman I was interested in. We tried dating for about 3 months but it didn't really work. Then I was single for another year. I met the "perfect" woman on paper: atheist, of Serbian origin, "conventionally" pretty. But I didn't really like her on a visceral level. She smoked and was a conservative (I think I would say that I am a centrist or a left-leaning libertarian, and I don't think I would mind being with a conservative who would have good, well thought out reasons, but this wasn't her), and was always overly happy/smiley/silly, which rubbed me the wrong way (I discovered later that she was in fact deeply depressed but was hiding it! - maybe I sensed that something was off). I ignored all my intuition that was telling me to run away and grew deeply unhappy in that relationship. I guess I thought that we "should" be together (due to societal pressure and fear of being alone). Finally, I gathered up the courage and broke up just before COVID. Moving forward, I don't really know what my dating strategy should be, as jaded as I am.

Crusader
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

September 2020 - $2963 (month 1/60)

Much higher than I would have hoped for, but I struggled to cook everything on my own (I think I will get better at that over time) and I bought some alcohol as well. There is definitely a lot of room for improvement. $724 was for a flight ticket that was unavoidable (going to Serbia to see my parents as I took no vacation this year yet), and $200 was for an overdue photoshoot. I could have done the photos myself but I have a friend who is a photographer and my online dating photos desperately need to be updated (I've been procrastinating on this) as they are years old and I don't want people to think that I am purposefully selecting photos when I was younger.

Next month will be a challenge as I am travelling and will want to do at least 2 road trips. One of them will be to visit a childhood friend of mine who lives in the woods with his wife and kids and grows a lot of his own food. He built 2 houses by himself (with some help) that he now rents out with Airbnb, so he is quite inspiring. Unfortunately, he is a bit of a conspiracy theorist, but at least the conversations will be interesting.

I have a new rule: unless I am out with a friend/date at a restaurant, I am only allowed to eat food that I have cooked by myself and bought in bulk from Costco. I calculated that I can easily spend $200-250 per month on food if I eat this way.

I keep weighing the pros and cons of getting rid of my car, but I decided I am keeping it for now. I will revisit this idea at a later date.

Crusader
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

October 2020 - $2225 (month 2/60)

This has been an eventful month, because I took 3 weeks of vacation and traveled in Serbia (the money spent has some lag because of credit card statements, so it doesn't reflect all the expenses), but I don't think I spent too much money. I intentionally didn't want to do any work remotely, to just see what I would do naturally, without thinking about money.

Well, my time was occupied with:
-> seeing family and friends (I guess I am not that much of an introvert, although it's difficult to know if this was because I see them once a year or whether this is my steady state)
-> travel to other places (I saw my friend in the countryside, some other friends in another city and visited some sand dunes which were beautiful.
-> romantic interests, which never cease to inspire me. I reconnected with an ex girlfriend one night, and met another older woman who is married with kids, but who is very unhappy in her marriage. I very much enjoyed my time with them, but I would not consider either of them to truly have long term potential. I am starting to think that just a regular monogamous relationship just won't work for me (I will either feel bored, restricted and that person might not be "good enough" for forever), but I hope to be proven wrong.
-> taking a bunch of partner dance classes. If I didn't have to work and come back to Canada, in the short term, I would have definitely taken as much dance classes as I can in, say 3-6 month period and taken my dancing to a new level. I will start looking for a job that offers similar pay to my current job, but which will allow me to have the freedom of a digital nomad, but I think it will be hard to find (although, if there will ever be a time to look for a remote job, it is now).

I also discovered a new hobby I would like to pursue: singing. I ended up at some group singing class and the teacher offers pretty cheap singing classes, which is perfect as my music/artistic outlet as Canada is still not allowing any kind of dance classes or socials (parties).

I failed at my attempt to eat exclusively at home. I will try again in November.

ertyu
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by ertyu »

Singing is an awesome hobby. It's creative, it works with what you've got (unlike, say, a guitar you spend money on just to risk having it gather dust in a corner), and last but not least, i think we're just wired to have happy chemicals come out when we sing. I once listened to a youtube video theorizing something or other about the vibrations our voices cause, vagus nerve tone, and mental health. Go you! Enjoy singing.

Crusader
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

Yeah, I had 2 guitars that were gathering dust in the corner, and I finally sold them during my decluttering project during Covid. I was always interested in music, but was very untalented. And then lately I noticed that I would randomly play karaoke videos on youtube and sing into my microphone for fun (as terrible as I am), which never happened while I had the guitars (practicing always felt like an effort, not fun). I am curious as to whether I can actually learn to sing decently.

Crusader
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

Oh, I forgot to mention my very inspiring friend who lives in the middle of nowhere. He built 2 houses (rental properties on AirBnB) 95% by himself (he went to school for this so that he knew what to do in theory and then studied architecture so that he could design them) and now is effectively FI. He financed the first house by doing 3D modelling and house design work. I spent 3 days with him and his wife and 3 kids, and I have to say that they are one of the happier families I know. The kids are not addicted to phones and seem very intelligent (8 and 5 year old girl, and a toddler), and you can just see that they are a loving family. I think that a big reason for this is because they left the stressful city life. Everyone knows each other and everyone helps each other. Too bad he is very much into conspiracy theories, doesn't vaccinate his children and home schools them etc. But I have a feeling his kids will turn out better than our other stressed peers from the city.

Crusader
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Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

November 2020 - $3131 (month 2/60)

Not happy with how I did this month. I utterly failed when it comes to cooking my own food (and part of my trip to Serbia is included in the cost, with the 2nd part coming up in the December credit card statement). I don't really know what to do about this. Ordering junk food is convenient, but when I get organized, cooking my own food is healthy and doesn't even take that much time. I guess I'll try again in December: COOK YOUR OWN DAMN FOOD.

I am also struggling with focusing on work and my procrastination is getting worse. I need some solid/SMART goals for December:
-> exclusively eat food that I bought in Costco (unless I am eating out with someone, but that won't happen much in these times), and to help with this, uninstall all food delivery apps
-> install a browser extension to block all distracting websites during work hours
-> practice 2 hours of singing (my current hobby) each week

Stretch goals:
-> get back into exercise, 5 times a week, following YT videos (not feeling very motivated to create my own regiment right now)
Last edited by Crusader on Wed Dec 30, 2020 5:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ertyu
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by ertyu »

uninstalling food delivery apps helps. it's one of the things i did. another thing that helps is keeping a stash of foods one can cook at home, e.g. some lentils which can be boiled relatively quickly (helps that i like lentils)

Crusader
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

ertyu wrote:
Mon Nov 30, 2020 4:15 am
some lentils which can be boiled relatively quickly
I also like lentils, but I don't know how to cook them. What are some of the things you can do with them? The simpler the better, with my cooking skills :?

ertyu
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by ertyu »

indians have all sorts of magical things they do with lentils, so if you're into next level mad skills, google that. i am much more simple, though. On the balkans, there are two main ways you cook lentils:

1. Lentil soup/stew. Official recipe: chop onion and carrot (doesn't really matter how much, one medium head and one medium carrot, i guess. Get a couple of cloves of garlic, some cooking oil, some paprika, some savoury spice. Salt to taste.

In the official proper recipe, you brown the onions and so forth, but in ertyu's interpretation you toss as much of the above as you have into a pot and set it to boil. Because it's a legume, it needs a longer boiling time on low heat, so I usually bring the pot to a boil and then lower the heat and let it simmer. How long? Until the lentils are boiled. How do you know they're boiled? When they look it, you take a bunch out with a spoon, blow on it to cool, and taste. If they taste done to you, they're done.

The magic of this is that lentils will turn out tasty regardless of how much of the above you do or don't have. When short on cash, I have boiled lentils with salt and cooking oil and whatever dry spices i have around and it's been fine (i'm likely to have some combination of parsley, basil, oregano, savoury spice, and powdered garlic just because those are more often used in Balkan recipes than things like anise, coriander, and turmeric).

Next level: if you want to go super-fancy, toss some rice and some chopped potato into your lentil stew. This results in "King's Lentils" and is a bit more filling. It is also your savior if your normal lentils ended up too salty. You can chop potato into your too-salty lentil stew, boil again until potato is done, and potato will soak off some of the salt making your lentils edible again.

I should also probably say that on the balkans, lentils is typically eaten with wheat bread, which results in a complete protein, but so should lentils and rice, if all of India is to be believed.

2. Another thing i like to do is just boil lentils with salt. This takes a bit less water. By now you are probably able to tell that I'm an eyeball type of person, so experiment. If you end up with too much water, you can always pour it out. But anyway, the tl;dr here is that I get the boiled salty lentils and I chop whatever fresh vegetable I have (typically some combination of tomato, peppers, celery, green onion tho regular works also, carrot, etc. Again, no set rules here.). Season with olive oil and whatever else you want (usually i put some of my dry spices), stir, and eat as a salad or "buddha bowl" or whatever. Again, the Balkans is tomato europe, so most of my salads are likely to be tomato-based, but yours don't have to be.

Next level: add to this cubes of boiled potato. Also, olives and crumpled feta work, as they do with most Greek/Balkan dishes. Some combo of chopped fresh celery, parsley, basil, etc.

I guess the tl;dr: here is that lentils aren't precious when it comes to how you cook them, they always turn out delicious which is why I love them. I would recommend 2. as a general strategy of getting more veg + legume in your diet: take boiled legume, chop veg, add olives and feta if you're feeling rich, season with oil and spices, eat.

As far as I remember you were originally from Serbia, so most of these things should feel at least somewhat in your comfort zone. There should also be plenty of lentil stew recipes you can google in serbian. Happy lentils!
Last edited by ertyu on Mon Nov 30, 2020 11:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

2Birds1Stone
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by 2Birds1Stone »

Howdy, fellow eastern European!

Having commented on your original intro post back in August, somehow missed your journal till this morning.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It's great that you've started really tracking and being mindful of where your money is going. How does the spending compare to your income? Are you hitting the desired savings rate?

Crusader
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Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

@ertyu
Thank you for that. I shall try some of these recipes this month and report back! Yes, lentils do feel at home:
https://www.bigoven.com/recipe/pasulj-s ... oup/121471
But, the recipe for Serbian pasulj is a bit too complicated for my attention span right now. Some of the simpler stuff you suggested is way more practical for me right now.

@2Birds1Stone
Yes, you don't really realize just how much you spend (and how difficult it is to save), before you start tracking it exactly. My goal is to spend between 25-30k CAD per year as a start. My after tax disposable income is around 78k.

A large part of my expenses that I can't do anything about is rent, which is $1250 per month (includes $100 parking), and the car (insurance ~ $100 per month, maintainance + fuel which is close to 0 during Covid times). I also give some money to charity and causes I support (<$100) that I don't really want to get rid of. Then there is Internet (~$50 per month).

But I spend so much money on eating out or ordering food (and to a smaller extent, alcohol). Also, I have that urge to buy stuff because I am bored that I really need to fight. Do I really need a bluetooth receiver and transmitter so that I don't have a long cable running to my speakers that are on the other side of the room, in order to eliminate barely audible buzz noise that you can only hear from 20cm away? No. These things add nothing to my life, I just end up feeling shitty for irresponsible spending afterwards. Anyway.

EDIT: I just went to your journal, 2Birds1Stone, and what I found impressive was that you track everything in much more detail than me. I think I am going to do that from now on, thanks for the inspiration.

Crusader
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

Just reporting in that I managed to create something akin to a bean stew and it isn't bad at all!

I soaked the beans overnight, and a bit more during the day, replacing the water (apparently this helps with gas). Then I wanted to see if I could do everything in my minimalistic microwave plastic container and indeed I can:

-> heat up the water for 10 minutes on high with the beans in it
-> cook on 50% power for 40 minutes
-> add rice, cook on 50% power for 10 minutes
-> add ajvar and nuts, cook on 50% power until the water dries up (in my case, another 10 minutes)

Super simple and I did it with whatever I had in the house, rather than going out to buy stuff. As I served this, I put cheese over it as well, delicious and cheap!

ertyu
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by ertyu »

sounds delicious, good work! Very creative also. Cool!

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