Crusader's Journal

[AxelHeyst]

I think this is such a cool project/experiment.

Something I've been thinking about with respect to vision/strategy that might be useful, is that I used to think I had to figure out what my Ultimate Final Vision Statement was going to be that I'd follow for the rest of my life. For me at least that was pretty unrealistic, and it made me approach coming up with a Vision as a really huge task. When I started thinking of my vision as something more fluid, something malleable and dynamic that would change *as a result of* pursuing it, I was able to get a lot more playful with it.

Looking forward to hearing about your insights and path.

[ertyu]

How do you define "what my portfolio can sustain?"

[Crusader]

How do you define "what my portfolio can sustain?"

That is a good question. I pretend that I am retired right now, take 4% of my portfolio, pay the income tax on it (some of my money is in a tax deferred account, some will trigger capital gains tax, etc) and then divide the after tax income by 12. This is my allowed monthly spend. (Or alternatively, I think of it as monthly disposable income that could be carried over to next month)

[2Birds1Stone]

That is a good question. I pretend that I am retired right now, take 4% of my portfolio, pay the income tax on it (some of my money is in a tax deferred account, some will trigger capital gains tax, etc) and then divide the after tax income by 12. This is my allowed monthly spend. (Or alternatively, I think of it as monthly disposable income that could be carried over to next month)

Right on, this is a great way to think about it and build some courage when the time comes to give up the job/career income. It was an eye opener for me when starting the practice in Jan of 2019 and still going strong.....now as someone who did pull the trigger on ER, it's much easier to internalize that you can in fact live off of a sustainable* WR.

*I moved the goal post to 3% after the Feb/March 2020 madness in the markets due to covid.

[Crusader]

Since my last update, I've been doing well on the ERE front. I am well under my target for October and this pretend-to-be-FIRE year seems like a likely possibility. I will have to "save" some money for a few expensive items like a flight ticket to Serbia, but I have a feeling my goal will be accomplished. My mom keeps bugging me to tell her what I want for birthday, and I really struggle to come up with something I need (her not buying me a gift is not an option... she is doing it for her, not me). I have not eaten out even once since August (except a couple of times with friends, where I ordered a single course and drank tap water). I am also enjoying that my phone has no data any more and that I don't use my car.

However, I am coming to the realization that I don't want to quit work just yet, even if I could, as the next couple of years are looking pretty interesting from the skills and growth perspectives. We are starting a couple of really interesting (to me) projects and I want to get involved with some volunteer work to try to get sent on a mission to one of the developing countries to do some humanitarian work. If I were to quit now, I would not have this opportunity.

However, all of this, including my hobbies that I do, like dancing, feel like a "side quest", rather than a "main quest" in my life. I don't know why I didn't have this problem in my 20s. I just did things without thinking too much and that was that. I think I also was hoping that meeting "the one" and starting a family would give me this main quest, so maybe the hope that that is going to happen kept me going, but whenever I came close to that (having a girlfriend), I ended up even more miserable, so I guess I have to accept that that main quest won't be happening, so now what? I guess I'll keep looking for "the one" as a side quest, but that leaves me without a main quest.

I am inspired by people who die doing what they love on their deathbed, and I would love to end up like that, but it's possible that I don't have that kind of passion for anything. Plus, I have a tendency to get bored with things. Somebody insightful MMG has noted that these kind of people might have a very different brain than me, so maybe I shouldn't try to fit their mould. Still, I do think that I should "keep looking", as good things have happened in the past when I did that and stepped out of my comfort zone (I became a manager as well as a dance teacher), although the path was chaotic and not as originally planned.

I was thinking about possible jobs/careers that I would want to do with no end in sight, and nothing *really* speaks to me. The closest that I could come to is working for the UN. But I am painfully aware that usually these kind of jobs are not as glorious as they seem, and you are just a cog in the machine. And I really like computer science and information systems, so I don't know if my brain could handle (only) being in charge of some supply chain for a distribution network or heaven forbid... working on organizing some kind of a fundraiser. And when I really think about it, I DO like the niche area that I am in right now.

I want to formalize all of this into some kind of a project. Stay tuned.

[ertyu]

My mom keeps bugging me to tell her what I want for birthday

You want a Serbian vegan/vegetarian/lenten cooking cookbook

[Crusader]

Ahaha. Good idea but I don’t want even more physical books, I have enough already (actually one of my to do projects is to read them one by one and donate them away).

However, I think I figured it out. I will ask my mom to pay for my flight ticket this summer when we go to Montenegro together (I want to take a cheap train, but she insists on taking a plane).

[shaz]

@Crusader reading each of my books one by one and then giving them away is one of my current projects. Sometimes it seems as though it is a project that will outlive me but it is fun to read each of the books one more time. I wish you all the best with your efforts.

Also the trip with your mom sounds like it should be fun.

[grundomatic]

I relate to so much of this I don’t even know where to start. I thought I had my mother trained not to buy me “stuff” when she bought us airline gift cards, then two special Halloween mugs show up at my house this month. Still better than it used to be.

The insight from your MMG member was a good one. I, too, have thought things would be easier if I had a lifelong passion for something. However, it’s not how I’m wired, so better to embrace what is.

To keep with your terminology, in retrospect I can see how in my life I have cycled through different side quests, turned side quests into main quests, downgraded main quests to side quests, and more. After graduating college, the last thing I wanted to do was continue with my chemistry quest. I had just spent 5 years on that stuff. I was very distraught trying to figure out what to pursue as a career (pick one thing to do for the rest of my life!?!), so I got a seasonal job in order to focus on my side quest of cycling (and traveling/exploring). That ended up becoming a main quest when I got a job at the bike shop. I lived for everything cycling. Eventually it morphed into a “business” main quest, and I went back to school and then got a job where I could learn to run a business when it was clear I wasn’t going to be running the bike shop. I could go on.

It’s also okay for you to like your work and for it to be your main quest. Sounds like there are some great opportunities there, so take advantage. To stick with the RPG analogy, the side quests are there so you have the skills and contacts to transition to something else when you complete your main quest or just get tired of it. The great news for people that get bored is that there is no “100% completion” in life. There are always more side quests to discover.

Finally, just like @AxelHeyst, a “forever vision” for my life was just as daunting as trying to pick a “forever career” back in the day. Once I gave myself permission to prioritize my values “for now”, picking activities to match those was much easier. I wasn’t saying this is the end-all-be-all of what I want to do with my life, it’s just what’s “right for now”.

[Crusader]

I think an update is in order. Grundomatic, thank you for your insights, they help me brainstorm this stage of my life. The best I can come up with now is that I would like to work on the following "side quests":

- Develop more in the area of music (this is intentionally vague). On this front, I checked out what it would be like to get immersed in the local Serbian diaspora music scene via my singer friend -> not for me. I went to a local musician meetup -> not my crowd. I guess one option is to join a church choir... but again, not my crowd. I am thinking that I might have to make music my own introverted hobby somehow. I'll keep exploring for ideas. It doesn't help that I am not very talented (but I am not hopeless).

- Achieve financial independence through frugality (hence me being on this forum).

- I do enjoy IT and programming. There is a civic tech meetup on Tuesdays that I could start frequenting... if it didn't clash with dance practice, which brings me to...

- Getting involved in the social dance scene (and especially developing as a dance teacher) is something that brings me joy. Not as a partygoer (any more) but as an organizer. I want to keep doing that.

But I can't help but relate more and more to Peggy Lee's "Is There All There Is" lyrics. Or some of my favourite Bukowski's quotes:

“Nothing was ever in tune. People just blindly grabbed at whatever there was: communism, health foods, zen, surfing, ballet, hypnotism, group encounters, orgies, biking, herbs, Catholicism, weight-lifting, travel, withdrawal, vegetarianism, India, painting, writing, sculpting, composing, conducting, backpacking, yoga, copulating, gambling, drinking, hanging around, frozen yogurt, Beethoven, Back, Buddha, Christ, TM, H, carrot juice, suicide, handmade suits, jet travel, New York City, and then it all evaporated and fell apart. People had to find things to do while waiting to die. I guess it was nice to have a choice.”

And now, especially as I embark on this journey of an ERE lifestyle, I feel more and more disconnected from society... I told 2 friends that I am planning to sell my car. One doesn't think I am going to do it, and the other one had an "I am worried about you" conversation with me (how will I take girls out on dates and pay for their company while I am still young if I don't have a car?).

Bukowski again:

“I was naturally a loner, content just to live with a woman, eat with her, sleep with her, walk down the street with her. I didn't want conversation, or to go anywhere except the racetrack or the boxing matches. I didn't understand t.v. I felt foolish paying money to go into a movie theatre and sit with other people to share their emotions. Parties sickened me. I hated the game-playing, the dirty play, the flirting, the amateur drunks, the bores.”

I feel that work and consumerism gives people so much meaning that once you leave (outgrow?) that life, you lose meaning. I don't feel depressed, I just feel like I have leveled up, but I don't know if "finished the game" and now what? Or there is another level/stage that I just haven't discovered yet?

Anyway, in terms of sheer numbers, my expenses have been low, I think I am on track. I rebalanced and consolidated my portfolio, and investigated how much the employer-provided health insurance would cost if I pay for it on my own so that I can account for that. Things will get busy until the end of the year with travel, but I am excited about working on some skills in the new year via the ERE Skillathon.

[AxelHeyst]

“I tell you, we are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anyone tell you different.” -Vonnegut

Also, The Art of Living a Meaningless Existence by Robert Pantano (he also has a yt channel) is relevant. I know Ive told you about it but trying to spread the word for anyone dealing/working through these existential pathways.

Loving the update, quotes, and the introspection Crusader. Thanks for sharing.

ETA: I’m reminded of the Jim Carey quote to the effect of ‘I wish everyone massive fame and wealth so they can realize that it doesn’t make them fulfilled’.

[ertyu]

I am thinking that I might have to make music my own introverted hobby somehow.

Make your own scene? Where are the other people who are of similar skill as you who might be your crowd? What sort of message in a bottle might reach them? Social media? A note on the corkboard at the local cafe? There is a very good probability there are other people out there sitting around wishing they had someone to play with that's not Serbian or in the church choir.

On the existential boredom: whenever I've found myself there, it's because I'm spacing out from some desire I have that for one reason or another I don't want to have. "One reason or another" includes the standard suspects: think I suck and I'll inevitably fail, conditioned by past experiences to anticipate failure, scared of vulnerability and being hurt, thinking this isn't a feasible thing to want because it's not optimally efficient, etcetera etcetera. So: what do you really want that you don't think you should want?

Just getting in touch with that is helpful.

[Crusader]

Thanks, AH and ertyu. I won't overthink the music thing as it's not something that is urgent, it just feels like one of my long term goals... something to be on the lookout for. I think that the closest to a "music club" that is at my music level and taste would be some kind of a regular karaoke meetup. I'll see if I can find one.

In retrospect, I think that I was having a bad day yesterday. My mother pushed my buttons in just the right ways. She is overbearing and doesn't respect boundaries and tries to weasel her way around them. I have tried talking at length about my feelings, showing my anger, ignoring the issue... and yet, here we are. That, and a stressful and unproductive day at work (chicken or egg, not sure) led me to feel especially misunderstood and alone. On the way out of the office, I passed by a large sports arena where lots of people were going to see some event and I kept thinking "I have no desire to see any sports event, what's wrong with me?", but also "it sure would be nice to be as blissful and into this like all these other people". But then, when I went to the dance class, I said something that someone genuinely appreciated, I got a warm hug from a polyamorous pagan girl with a Playboy tank top and somehow Taleb's anti-fragility came up in class where the dance teacher/friend and I realised that we had both read the same book independently, AH responded with the "I get you" post... and all was well again.

[Crusader]

Well, it is time for my end-of-year reflection. This has been one of the best years in my life! Things finally started working out for me and I am slowly starting to become the person that I want to be. Here are some of my accomplishments, in no particular order:

- I feel like I have "solved" my spending habits ever since EREfest (which was a trigger for me to start taking this seriously). I decided to pretend that I am retired and give myself a salary each month (4% of my portfolio/12). I cheated a bit by stocking up on food and some tech gadgets and an airline ticket before I started living this way (September), but nothing that won't be fixed when my portfolio grows in the long term. Any money that I need on top of this salary comes from a fictitious line of credit with 0% interest, and the balance is only $175 right now. Something that will be fixed next month, as I've had lots of expenses this month due to travel. More importantly, I haven't ordered or ate out a single meal. I have zero issues going out with friends to restaurants where I order something that is the bare minimum. I use public transport almost exclusively (the goal is to get rid of my car in January). Because trying to buy stuff to make you happy isn't even an option, I don't even think about it and it makes me happier. It's the opposite of the paradox of choice. I even genuinely enjoy taking public transport as this is my time to think and clear my mind. I do end up in some strange situations, though, because I am sometimes acting and behaving like I am the biggest bum, which is inaccurate. Right now, my spending includes a fictional medical insurance payment that I would have to pay if I didn't have my employer's insurance, but it doesn't include things like charity donations. The goal is that at some point, my salary will cover those as well.

- I've been vegan since about March, and I think I've completely accustomed myself to that diet. And I was the one person that wouldn't consider a meal to be proper, unless it has meat in it! I feel like I am doing something in line with my moral values, which is good for the environment, and is healthy (I lost at least 10 points, which feels great).

- I became a dance teacher at the dance school, and have successfully transitioned from "student" to "staff/organizer" there. I derive so much more pleasure from this, then just going to random parties and classes as a participant. I like to be involved more in the community. Teaching dance is also really really scary for an anxious person like me, and I am successfully stepping out of my comfort zone.

- I have to say that my work has been, all in all, pretty satisfying and interesting. I get along with my colleagues (above me, my peers, and below me), and I feel like I am learning a lot. If I had the choice to retire right now, I think I would keep working for a bit just for the experiences that I will get (especially the ones coming next year... for example I am going to a conference in San Diego).

- I attended EREfest and met a bunch of people from this forum, which has been fantastic. I am very grateful for AH for organizing it, and I also feel great about the MM group that I am in.

- I have solidified my IRL friendships, and now I can say that I have several social circles that I am a part of. More importantly, I no longer miss living in Serbia. I love visiting and catching up with people as a tourist, but the grass is no longer greener (in any aspect) in Serbia. Canada feels like home.

- I attended my first political protest march while visiting Serbia. Against the current autocratic regime that just won their rigged election. I was shy at first, but after some soul-searching, I said "fuck them", I don't care if I am on TV, I don't care if my name appears on some list, I want to stand up for what I believe is right. Maybe it sounds naive, but it felt significant to me, as I've never done anything like that. In particular the following quote from an anti-government late night talk show host really moved me:

The weather might be ugly. Maybe there will be a thunderstorm, it's better to stay at home, I agree. You could say that they are all the same, like Dumb and Dumber. You might not be interested in politics. You could say that nothing depends on you alone anyway. You could believe that nothing will ever change here. You could be disappointed, you could not care, you could spitefully not vote for anyone. You could cast a blank vote, and if you're really lazy, you could go to the polls and draw penises and stickmen, or stickmen with penises. You might just not care… But don't be that guy. Nobody likes boring people like that. Believe in something. No matter how far and impossible it seems, it is possible, but only if you stand up and take that first step. Let's all not give up what is ours, which is the right to decide the fate of this country and the fate of our children. You have your voice, use it.

- I am always browsing the dating apps, but I have largely given up dating. However, I went on a date where I genuinely was (at least physically) interested in this woman that I thought was too good to be true. She found someone else, but the makeout session with genuine mutual attraction was something that I haven't experienced in a long time. I decided that I want that quote from Kesić to apply to my dating life as well. It IS possible to find a romantic partner, but I have to actually start believing that it's possible. This is something to work on in 2024 (a dating paradigm shift). In fact, I unexpectedly had a date while visiting my mom in Serbia, and I met a woman that ticks ALL of my boxes (atheist, hates alternative medicine, progressive...). I don't expect anything to come of it, but dammit there ARE women out there for me!

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In the new year, I want to keep doing what I've been doing, with one important enhancement: I want to be proud of how I spend my time (not just money). Even though I am happy with my spending and my overall year, I am not happy with all the time I've wasted on procrastination and not "getting things done" (tm). I want to end the 2024 year with the feeling that I've been as frugal/efficient with my time as I am with my money.

My secondary goals are to start exercising again, because that was also lacking in 2023.

As for ERE... in addition to expense tracking and being frugal, I want to take part in EREskillathon as well as EREfest.

[AxelHeyst]

It's been so cool to see your journey over the past couple years Crusader! It seems like in the last year you found the right combination of insights and effort to unlock serious positive momentum in your life. You've spun up a win loop. Hell yeah.

[avalok]

Yeah, this is a really, really great end of year post. I think that if you're wanting to remove procrastination because you've found things you want to spend time on, yet want to be doing even more of them, you're in a great place. All the best for 2024!

[mountainFrugal]

Agreed! You have made some major steps this year. Well done!

[Divandan]

Great end-of-year update and journal.

Cool to see another person on this forum from the Ex-Yu. I was born in Sarajevo, and during the war and before arriving in America, we spent some time in Belgrade because my dad had family there. I have seen most of Bosnia and Croatia but never went back to Serbia, even though my grandmother is from there.

[Crusader]

Thanks everyone for the good wishes. I am cautiously optimistic about the new year!

AH, your EREfest, in particular, was a great catalyst to me getting my spending habits in order (it served as a checkpoint and motivator), so thank you for that (and thanks to everyone who came... lots of inspiring people).

[Western Red Cedar]

This is such a great end-of-year update Crusader! It looks like you are building physical, social, and cultural capital alongside the financial capital. Best of luck in the new year.