Just Gravy

Where are you and where are you going?
Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

S…sweet? Um, I guess disregard when I proposition good men for a devil’s threesome and all of the times I call my children assholes and you may still be left with that impression. Have fun!

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Some major life events over the last five years: maternal grandmother dies, OCD diagnosis, rage quit job, 6-month sabbatical, buy house, start new job, pregnancy 1, DD born, new position at work, pregnancy 2, DS born, separate, split finances, COVID, wrist surgery, marriage counseling, break other wrist, sell house, move to apartment, divorce, transition to 50/50 custody.

In The Space Between Stories thread, Ego writes, “It seems to me that navigating a major life change is actually easier prior to becoming financially independent than it is after. The need to earn a living creates a structure for the next phase.” I absolutely agree. My job has provided much-needed structure and stability over the last two years and it will be a good foundation to build off of for at least the next 18 months. There is also a legal document saying I have to provide health insurance for my children for the next 16 years, so... a little stuck. Although I'm sure in the future I'll start to think a bit more creatively, for now I'm going to exist in the system and regroup.

My three biggest expenses:

Living
I renewed my apartment lease for another 18 months, locking in that expense. Downsizing to a two-bedroom in my complex would’ve shaved off just $100/month. And I know. “$100 a month is $X needed invested!” However: 1) I don’t want to throw yet another transition at my children; and 2) I need permanence and predictability in my life right now.

If I were single with no children, I could rent a one-bedroom or have a roommate in my complex, go car free, and do the whole rice and lentils thing easy peasy. In fact, now that I have children, it makes no fucking sense to me that single people without kids don’t live that lifestyle. It also infuriates me that while my ex-husband and I were DINK we did not take full advantage of our position, although I guess going from -$40k to +$250k in 9 years was something.

Car
As mentioned above, I borrowed a new-ish used car from the bank. I could’ve paid cash, but over the life of the loan the interest payments will only amount to $1500. I opted for the loan because: 1) I can make more than that with the cash invested, and 2) blowing that much cash would eat into my safety margin. Plus, you know we Americans love our precious credit scores. For now, the car is what it is. My ex has floated the idea of us all moving to Chicago in 2023 (because: 1) climate change; and 2) Texas’s new abortion ban), and maybe if we do that, I can redesign my life to not need the car. We’ll see.

Daycare
DD4 has two years of daycare left and DS2 has three years left, for a total cost of $49,500 (at $825/month for each). I’m responsible for half, so $24,750 will have to be earmarked over the next three years for daycare costs, barring the unforeseen. Brutal.

I’m listing these out because these costs are pretty set for the next 18-36 months. I can do all the piddly stuff to not spend as much, but it doesn’t really matter when these three expenses are so high (as we all know). I’m not going to be making any stellar progression on my savings rate for the next 18-36 months and I’ve come to terms with that. I’ll still do my monthly budget and calculate my SR, but that’ll just be for the data, not because I’m trying to reach any particular goal (other than treading financial water).

That removes a consideration. My life removes a lot of considerations, and sometimes it’s easier to work with less options—to work within defined lines. I do feel like I’ve leveled-off from the enormous upset of the divorce, and now I can finally ask myself:

What do I want to accomplish within the next 18-36 months that I can actually control?

1. Estate Planning. Divorce upsets many things, estate planning included. Even just removing him from my car insurance was a hassle. Now I need to update my will, durable POA, life insurance policy, etc. Need to update my whole “Death Binder” I keep that details my personal and financial life in case I get felled by a fallen tree so my loved ones aren’t left scrambling trying to piece things together.
2. Simplify and reorganize my home. I inherited all of the left-over stuff from our house, and I’m still going through all of the things we’ve dragged around for countless years. I went through my filing cabinet yesterday and was reminded of Spoonman’s efforts to digitize all of his files way back when. I’d like to make my home my home, and step one in that process is getting rid of all of this shit and keeping house how I’ve always wanted to keep house, without another person's constant, thoughtless accumulation of stuff getting in the way.
3. Reduce waste. This may be me coming down from reading The Zero-Waste Home, but my household’s overconsumption certainly eats at me and I can now control that entirely.
4. Explore emotions and vulnerability further. I love the doors that have opened up since I started exploring this. I feel closer and more available to every significant person in my life—my friends, my family, my kids, Suo. I really feel like I can show up and add something to their lives.
5. Be a good mom. There's really not that much to it. Show up, model "right" behavior, guide, educate, reinforce, inspire, encourage, support, love, bathe, dress, feed, clean up vomit... okay, there's actually a lot to it, but I feel up to the task. I got you, little babies. You'll be okay.
6. RAGBRAI. Yeah, fuck it. That’s my goal for just me. Iowa--sweet, sweet home--I’m coming back to you. This will require investment in a bike that has gears, I guess, so I’ll start putting money aside for that.

I've been reading a lot of the forum recently. I haven't for the last two years, and it's interesting to catch up on the progression of ideas. I'm amazed by all of y'all.

HanaSolo
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2021 6:24 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by HanaSolo »

I'm new here so am nibbling and tasting bits of what's going on in all the journals. I came to yours for the clever stringing of words together, but I'm staying for the talk of devil's threesomes! Damn girl, that's a lot of life crammed into 5 years. And you sound like a badass. I've had the priveledge of being a best friend to someone navigating divorce recently and from that vantage I can say that your willingness to feel vulnerability and explore emotions is most certainly having positive impacts on those around you (vomit-y though some of them may be). I learn things from her willingness to feel pain and experience the fullness of life every damn day. Love your writing and look forward to hearing what your home feels like when it's YOUR home.

classical_Liberal
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Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:05 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by classical_Liberal »

Great posts B&G.

I feel like I have something important to tell you, but it's not coming out in words, just feelings. So I'll try to not flesh it out in you journal.

Just wanted to post as encouragement because you seem to be kicking so much ass!

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Thanks, c_L. That means a lot to me. And by all means, flesh out whatever you like in my journal. It's basically just nine pages of Feelings with some cursory numbers tossed in. Feel free to feel the feels here, man. And if it seems like I'm kicking ass, then I'm obviously only posting the brighter portion of my experience. There is certainly the euphoria of new-found agency, of new love, of leaving a bad relationship, and a deeper understanding and appreciation of who I am and my place in the world. There are also bad days, like these last few days, where I feel hopeless and trapped. I love the kids and I'm so thankful for them, but getting married was a horrible mistake and now there are three certainties in my life: death, taxes, and the toxic tendrils of my ex.

@HanaSolo Welcome! And thanks for the kind words. I'm not really a badass; I'm just a Texan who learned how to feel, but that combination pretty much makes me as powerful as a Terminator. If you want real ERE, don't read my journal. Read theanimal or spoonman. Legends. And sadly, I don't imagine there will be further talk of devil's threesomes. DBF has >100 lbs. and nearly a whole foot on me, so... he's more than enough ridiculously handsome man for me. Confession: I snort-laughed at your journal title. Loved that show.

Sept. Numbers (fu so it's early)
SR: Positive! Barely!
NW: I dunno. 6 figures still, I guess.
Gross income: Crested five figures! Say whaaaaat.
Kids: Wonderful in their typicality. Wait, that's not quantitative. ...They real expensive.
Days sober: -47 minutes.

mooretrees
Posts: 762
Joined: Sun Jan 27, 2019 1:21 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by mooretrees »

Ahh lady, another lovely post. I never have much to say it feels, but I'm always happy to see a new post from you. Thanks for keeping it real, kids and all.

Jin+Guice
Posts: 1279
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Jin+Guice »

God fucking damn it. I got not one single date from FIRE dating and now you find love!

Congrats y'all.

HanaSolo
Posts: 18
Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2021 6:24 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by HanaSolo »

Biscuits and Gravy wrote:
Tue Sep 28, 2021 7:53 pm
Confession: I snort-laughed at your journal title. Loved that show.
Yes! Hoped someone would. Thank you, 90's brethren ;)

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Vaikeasti »

Positive SR in your situation! That's huge!

Stay kicking!

And all the best to your wonderful kids! (And to you and suo, of course.)

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Vaikeasti, the last few weeks I’ve been rereading your journal from beginning to end, letting it sulata. There are some parallels between our paths and I’m hoping I can eventually say something worthwhile or helpful for you. Thank you for your encouragement and please know the positive SR is only because I am grossly overcompensated, and I eat far too many peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

J+G Sorry, dude. I realize I’m the luckiest sunovabitch on this planet. And, shiiit, if there were a God, he certainly would be damning me instead of blessing me with sexy Scandinavians.

Mooretrees Have another happy! :D

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

First, biking. I rode 40 miles this week and feel good. There are three complications in training for RAGBRAI next year: 1) I have limited time, especially for 3+ hour rides; 2) I have a single speed bike; and 3) a "hill" to a Houstonian is a speed bump to any other athlete, and the first day of this previous RAGBRAI had an elevation gain of 2,816 feet. For 1, all I can do is hope for good weather on my non-custody weekends, which means I can only get really long rides (40+ miles) in twice a month, if that. For 2, gonna see if I can outfit my current bike frame (a Pure Fix) with gears. For 3, I dunno. Just circle back and do the same 50 foot climb repeatedly, I guess.

Second, diet. In an effort to get physically stronger, I'm incorporating more protein into my diet, which as a mostly-vegetarian means drinking some milk and eating some peanut butter or greek yogurt post-exercise. I'm not sure if that's the best way to go about it, but I always have those things on hand.

Third, submission. (No, not like that.) There's a word used in the 道德经--无为--that is usually translated as "inaction." I first came across this word my junior year at university and it's just been there, marinating in my mind. 无为 is a tool to lead you to 道 (way, road, path), as in "do nothing (无为) and that is the way (道)." Whatever, you can read the 道德经 yourself and glean what you may from it, but for me, what I understand now is this:

无为 is submission. 道 is connection. When you submit, or let go, or embrace your lack of control, life surges uninhibited across perfectly aligned pathways. That is the live wire connection I feel with myself, with my environment, with the people in my life when I live in alignment, when I submit. And while life is but "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing," I feel connected and I feel good.

shaz
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Location: Colorado, US

Re: Just Gravy

Post by shaz »

For the cycling, you can also (sort of) simulate hills by riding into a headwind. Try adding intervals to your cycling routine to make up for not being able to put in the hours.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Oct. Savings Rate: 32%
NW: $130,650

Money feels like a game I've already won. The spreadsheet is nice for two things: 1) mild curiosity and 2) future planning. Because I have two young kids, leaving the conventional workforce drastically early (especially at this pay grade and with this little of stress) seems like so much risk for so little potential reward. Maybe it's fear (what if the kids get cancer) or maybe it's laziness (this is good enough), but I am currently content within the system. I'll make my appearance, take my paycheck, stash 30% of it, and still be human. I can take "full" retirement from my position at age 54, I think, and by then the kids'll just be gettin' gone, so I dunno, maybe that's my financial/work trajectory. I'll have a >JAFI pension, whatever my retirement accounts have grown into, and I'll get to keep my employer-subsidized private health insurance for the rest of my and my partner's life. There's also a $180,000 life insurance and AD&D policy to help my ex raise the kids in case I mercifully get run over by a speeding bus, and that's nice.

Earlier this month, just to see, I asked HR to run the numbers if I worked half time. I'd keep all of my benefits, but my take home pay would be cut by approximately 65% (I would have to pay a higher percentage of my health insurance). Maybe when I no longer have the expense of daycare ($825/month), this could be an option, but for now I'll just file that knowledge away.

Other than that, the babies, DBF, and the weather are all wonderful. Life goes on with its ups and downs, but there's really not that much to it.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

One of the unexpected benefits of the divorce is the occasional evening of isolation. Initially I did not handle these well, but I have improved at managing the transition and maximizing the solitude. Last night was one such evening. I left work early, extended my bike commute home, stretched, drank lots of water, turned off my phone, took a really hot bath, and was in bed by 6 p.m. I knew my mind was fucked from a long weekend with the kids, recent tense exchanges with my ex, and the upcoming [shudder] holidays, so I just laid back and let all of the thoughts roll in. From man that hamster video was really cute to oh I still need to do [xyz] at work, I gave my thoughts space without judgment or additional pursuit. I slept for a long time, woke up clear-headed in the early morning hours, and asked myself what I really wanted to know: How do I feel about [upcoming interaction]? I was able to consider the question with clarity and answer it to my satisfaction. When the answer of “I feel envious” bubbled up, I felt that envy and respected it. When the answer of “I feel angry” arose, it surprised me, but I felt it and respected it. I had to dig to uncover the feelings of insecurity and exhaustion, but once I found those the answer felt complete. Nothing felt unresolved, hidden, or stifled, and I feel confident that I can approach this upcoming event with serenity and a strong sense of self.

I slept again, for a total of 13 hours, and as a parent with young kids that’s an unheard-of luxury. Upon waking, I considered anger, a feeling which arises from an experience of some injustice. As a “good girl,” I’ve been conditioned not to feel angry. It’s a “negative” feeling, along with jealousy, rage, envy, hatred, depression, anxiety, aggression, superiority, etc. I have the most difficulty with anger: I suppress it, refuse to recognize it, and cannot express or regulate it well. As I drank my coffee, I pondered the appropriate way to express anger, and why I feel like there’s a whole shit-ton of it just simmering in me. Then I thought about joy. What’s the appropriate way to express joy? Why, with a smile, a laugh, dancing, whatever. Why do I not feel like there’s a whole shit-ton of joy simmering in me? It’s because as I experience joy, I feel and express it, and there are no societal constraints or “shoulds” about it. Society deems joy a “positive” feeling, and we are encouraged to feel and express those. Well, there is no such thing as a positive or negative feeling. All feelings are equal and deserve respect and space. When my kids are playing and DS topples a tower and DD blows up and hits DS, I tell her, “you’re feeling angry. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to hit.” Because all feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviors are acceptable. So, when I feel angry, why don’t I grimace, grumble, stomp my feet, whatever, and then move on? Or better yet, why don’t I say, “I feel angry”/”Mommy feels angry” and if I know that I can’t express that anger in an acceptable way (as in, I know I’m about to yell at two innocent toddlers, for chrissake), why don’t I just walk away and breathe and feel it. Fucking feel it. Don’t ignore, disregard, or minimize it. I feel angry and that’s okay. However you're feeling is okay, too. No good comes from turning off parts of our humanity.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Nov. SR 21%
Dec. SR 39% (I was an asshole and bought only DS2 a Christmas present. Singular.)
NW: $134,330ish

DD4 was hospitalized this month for "acute respiratory failure" and I've been kinda fucked up ever since. All the glorious strides I've made in understanding and subduing my overactive amygdala were lost just as quickly as DD lost her potty-training gains while confined to a PICU bed. Maybe life is just a matter of how long you can withstand the constant drip drip drip of intravenous cruelty and injustice. Anyway, she's absolutely fine now, apparently; she went from death's doorstep to begging to go to a park within a week. The pediatrician says that's normal. Oh, little kids bounce back so quickly, she preaches, to the hollow, shaking heaps of me and my ex.

One of my coworkers is pregnant and I just want to grab him and shake him and scream YOU MADMAN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE but it's all for naught.

I'm trying to take inspiration from my baby girl and shake the whole experience off, but I'm an old fart now and the wheel is slow to turn, and frankly I'm starting to lose enthusiasm for all of this nonsense. I had good momentum, lost it, but I know I can get there again. Exercise, eat well, hydrate, sleep, breathe, connect, submit. I even nixed alcohol and caffeine for this push. C'mon. C'mon. Up one more hill. Don't think about the next one. Just up this hill.

ETA Years ago, I was enamored with the idea of traveling around the US in an RV and giving our kids a naturalist, home-school education. Ex-DH had scoffed, said they'd be weirdos, he wanted suburbia, end of discussion. When we broke up, at the start of the pandemic, I told him I'd support him as long as he wanted to stay home with the kids. He scoffed, said he needed his independence, couldn't dream of relying on me anymore. This past weekend, he asked how much I'd be willing to pay him to stay home with the kids. ...I scoffed. Oh, oh. What is that... what do I see on the horizon there? Is that... the smallest, tiniest little square of white bobbing on a wave? Looks like some sorta ship. That has sailed the fuck away.

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Alice_AU
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Location: Sydney Australia

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Alice_AU »

Glad your little girl is feeling better. Wishing you all a bit of calmness and peace next coming year.
ps Your ex is funny, hope he wasn't too disappointed with your answer)))

mooretrees
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Re: Just Gravy

Post by mooretrees »

Dang girl!! Not the best Christmas ever, huh? I feel like I get whiplash sometimes as a parent. I can't recover as fast as my son from whatever the particular situation is at the moment. He's moved on emotionally so fast he'll have tears still on his face and a big smile. And the same happens with any kind of fall, scrape, etc. Kids are literally crazy nutjobs. I'm so glad your girl is out of the hospital, I can't even think about it too much. Too hard and scary.

You know your medicine, and it will feel better with time.

I can't stop grinning over the ship that sailed away....too good.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Thanks for the encouragement, chicas. Ah, Christmas was actually just fine! Spent it at my ex's and the kids were showered with various molded plastic by him and extended family. DD got a fucking $200 Barbie dream house from her great-grandma. Sorry, ocean.

Whiplash is right. Ugh, kids. They kill me. Beyond the constant whiplash, I find the unforgiving nature of parenting the most distressing. I’ve spent well over 10,000 waking hours with DD, give or take, and for 9,999.5 of those hours I’ve modeled “decent human” behavior, but is that what she emulates? Fuck no. That one cumulative half hour of me being human, all too human, is what she emulates. At the tender age of three she was in the front room shoring up a wobbly tower of megabloks when suddenly, and with great artistic ability and exemplary emphasis, she spits out “this fucking tower” and my head cranes around the kitchen corner to stare slack-jawed at this curly, towheaded angel that is without a doubt my perfect, profane progeny.

I also hope for some calmness and peace in the coming year, but I don't expect things to get easier. I'll just get better at managing.

mooretrees
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Re: Just Gravy

Post by mooretrees »

Ha ha, love the tower story. I have absolutely heard my boy say a bunch of appropriately chosen curse words. So perfectly used and so strange to hear from his little sweet mouth! Of course she emulates that moment of watching you, there's heat and power in curse words! She picks it up like a sponge. I actually love it so much when my kiddo says bad words. Of course, now that my boy is in preschool, I've had to start steering him away from cussing. I guess I do care what other people think?

I'd say you've gotten a LOT better at managing these days. You're still coming out of a recent divorce, your daughter messed up the holidays and also, hello, two kids!! You're happier sounding then in days past.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

It is strangely endearing when they cuss. Good luck with preschool! Be prepared for back-to-back sicknesses and notes like “your son was not being nice to his friends today and threw mulch at a teacher”… although that latter half is def me projecting.
mooretrees wrote:
Wed Jan 05, 2022 6:20 pm
You're happier sounding than in days past.
Credit to a surfeit of unbelievable sex. :)

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