Just Gravy

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Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

At First A Very Shocking Sight

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

February savings rate was -15%. It would've been positive (a mighty and enviable +6%), but I gave $1,000 to a friend who needed the money more than I ever will. I also sent my sisters and the same friend gift-box cakes. Had to re-insert the line "Gifts" into my budget spreadsheet, which I had victoriously and euphorically deleted a month ago, in the strange and foolish belief that I would never again buy a gift for another person. I also added a line in my income section for "Realized Gain/Loss," because I'm an absolute idiot and am betting chunks of money I shouldn't be betting on stocks I have no business buying. Realized gain for Feb. was $735; realized gain for Jan. was $4,583.

My financial goal for March is to reallocate the holdings in my brokerage into a more sophisticated (read: not dumb) arrangement. I've been actively investing for over five years and my holdings in my personal account have gone from index/dividend to fuck it/yolo and it's only a matter of a time until I get severely burned. I know how to make a good portfolio (she says defensively).

I filed our tax return today. I usually really enjoy tax time--information gathering, data input, getting money back. This year I didn't enjoy it. The sale of the house, my ex's self-employment income, and inputting all of last year's stock sell-offs mangled the pleasure. I'm also bummed this is the last year I'll get the married filing jointly tax break. Cuz goddamn that's a good tax break.

Divorce: Things are complicated, even somewhat-ugly at times. I started the grieving process well over a year ago, and I think I'm firmly in the acceptance stage, although I do sometimes swing back to bargaining or depression. My ex is squarely in the anger stage and yells at me or berates me quite often. My friend asked me what was the "real reason" I haven't filed the paperwork yet when I gave her the line about him needing to stay on my insurance. 20+ years my senior, she divorced at my age, also with two small children, and it was nice to have a candid conversation with another woman with similar experiences. I started drafting the petition, but I know I won't file it until he has a job. I promised him a year with the kids, on my insurance, all expenses paid. There is nothing I can do about his anger. I do, however, have full control over my responses.

It is strange, divorce. It makes me think of this part from Gulliver's Travels: "I remember when I was at Lilliput, the complexion of those diminutive people appeared to me the fairest in the world; and talking upon this subject with a person of learning there, who was an intimate friend of mine, he said that my face appeared much fairer and smoother when he looked on me from the ground, than it did upon a nearer view when I took him up in my hand and brought him close, which he confessed was at first a very shocking sight. He said he could discover great holes in my skin; that the stumps of my beard were ten times stronger than the bristles of a boar, and my complexion made up of several colours altogether disagreeable..."

A combination of examination and new perspective. It is no longer a very shocking sight. It is reality.

Numbers.
Retirement account: $79,000
Brokerage: $29,000
Kids' Roth IRA: $7,300
Cash: $6,700

Edit. I kill my own bugs now. I told the wonderful man I’m seeing that a valorous bug-slayer makes me weak in the knees, so I guess I think I’m hot stuff now.

ertyu
Posts: 2893
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: At First A Very Shocking Sight

Post by ertyu »

Biscuits and Gravy wrote:
Mon Mar 01, 2021 4:38 pm
I know I won't file it until he has a job.
Be careful. I do hope he is a better man than that, but he is not a better man than berating you and being emotionally reactive instead of doing the adult, decent thing and managing his own emotions. Divorce brings ugly stuff out of reactive people. While I hope you don't get there, there exists a scenario where he tries to sabotage you filing and tries to keep you enmeshed, even in negative ways, by not getting a job or otherwise spiralling. Be prepared, when your commitment to him ends, to cut him off regardless of how down on his luck he may appear to be. You care about him as a human being, so you might not want to do it, but you may have to do it. Just like you can't do anything about his anger, you also can't do anything about other immature ways he decides to cope. You're a good person who cares about others and is willing to assist with money when needed, be careful that you don't end up with a tantrumy parasite. Again, I hope that you will not get there and that he is better than that, but he may very well turn out not to be. All I am saying is, be prepared for the eventuality in your mind instead of dismissing it with "oh but he would never do this." He very well might.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Thanks for your concern, ertyu, I appreciate it and I hear you. I'm not sure what, if anything, I can do to reduce my exposure. I can choose my level of enmeshment to reduce my emotional exposure, but I am still exposed in financial and practical terms. It is worth pointing out that he also feels very exposed, and we have a strange and delicate truce about our arrangement. If he takes advantage of me, then he takes advantage of me. I've survived before and I'll survive this go-round. I am sure of my present actions and have owned my past mistakes. It was an ugly process to get here, so I can readily forgive him his own ugly process to get where he's going, and I hope at the end of it he finds peace and acceptance and happiness.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Received a $5600 deposit from Uncle Sam/Grandpa Joe what to stimulate the economy. Spent $4,999 of it as follows:

-$4,011 Paid off my ex's car loan. This way, he is completely debt free and only has to budget for housing, food, and half of daycare when he starts his own life. He makes less money than I do and I was worried about him budgeting for a car payment. I know, I know. It's enmeshment. But lemme have this one last hoorah.

-$708 Paid off my credit card. I do this every week or so anyway. I try to put everything on my credit card for the cash back rewards. I've already made $140 cash back this year.

-$165 New hiking boots. My faithful Merrells lasted 11 years, but they finally bit the dust (hur hur) on this last 14-mile hike through muddy swampland. The sole fell off my left boot at mile 4, so I tore out the elastic from my spare bra and wrapped it around my shoe and did just fine for the remaining 10 miles. My new Merrells are tall and waterproof, so hopefully they'll manage better in the mud.

-$75 I needed a massage after that 14-mile hike... Haven't had one in probably two years. Felt great.

-$40 Bought my mother flowers and these fancy olives that she loves.

Still leaves $601 to further stimulate the economy. I'll do my best to carry out my patriotic duty to spend money. For the motherland.

Divorce
I asked my ex to go for a walk with me so we could have an uninterrupted talk. Usually our exchanges are over the bobbing blonde heads of our precious (and noisy) babies, so we're often interrupted and I didn't care for how snippy our exchanges were getting. About five minutes into the walk he said something that filled me with absolute relief and certainty and pride that I had made the decision to leave. It seems he's ready to file the paperwork, too, so we'll be filing the petition shortly. There's a 60-day waiting period in Texas once you file the petition, so we'll likely be divorced mid- or late-June. I'll probably just pay COBRA until he starts his job in August, thus keeping my promise of insuring him while he wasn't working. He's already had two interviews with a place he's excited for and it's a good fit. I'm happy for him. The kinda shitty thing is the place is a 40 minute commute from our current area, so... I dunno. I'm thinking too far in advance, as usual.

At some point, I'm going to have to tell my boss about my divorce. This may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me. I keep my private and work life very separate and I work with very conservative people. I genuinely love and respect my boss and we have a good relationship, but I'm really not sure what his response will be. I don't want him to treat me any differently, but I imagine he will.

Healthy Habits
After a really fun night with my sister-in-law early in the month, I was hurting the next day and decided it's really about time I get my shit together. Here are the changes I've made:

- No more alcohol (11 days sober)
- Drink more water
- No more bread or candy (down to 137 pounds)
- No more phone before bed (instead, I do sudoku puzzles and ponder allllll of the shit I usually ponder at 3 a.m.)
- Get up when I wake up (anywhere between 4 a.m. and 6 a.m.)
- More exercise

The biggest improvement in my mood and well-being has definitely come from "get up when I wake up." Previously, I would lie awake in bed, thinking, ruminating, dreading, until my son screamed himself awake at 6 or 6:30, then the marathon began. As soon as I get home from work, my ex leaves and then it's play with kids, bathe kids, read to kids, put kids to sleep, and I usually pass out at 8:30 or 9:00, with most of the chores left undone. Now, when I wake up at 4:30 a.m., I make a pot of coffee and do chores until my son wakes up. I get so much done and it's PEACEFUL and QUIET. I'm a bit of a clean-freak, so having a clean living space really improves my mental well-being. I'm also (except for right now) much more productive at work when I've woken up early, which makes me feel happy and proud, which leads to even more feel-goods (a high-brow technical term).

Anyway. I've felt really, really good since I've made these changes. I don't at all feel like my life is falling to pieces around me or that I've made the "wrong" decisions. I am really very happy with the choices I've made and the direction that my life is headed. I may have a 0% or negative savings rate while the kids are in daycare these next few years, but it's worth it. Undoubtedly worth it.

ertyu
Posts: 2893
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by ertyu »

I am also into sudoku puzzles. are you on logic masters germany? lots of great stuff there lately

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Had to google it! Looks cool, but this is the only corner of the internet I visit.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 9372
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

I used to get up at least an hour or two before my kids for the same reason. I also had strict policy that they had to be in their own bedrooms by 8 pm with reading books their only allowed activity. Saved my sanity to the extent that my adult kids now remember me as being a fun mom :lol:

mooretrees
Posts: 762
Joined: Sun Jan 27, 2019 1:21 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by mooretrees »

Ha, I was just thinking of doing that same thing-get up early and have some time to myself. I can get some time in the evening, but I'm so brain dead its not really the same. I'm a morning person for sure.

Sounds like really good progress on ending the relationship and protecting your kids from the fall out. I hope the conversation with the boss goes well. Seems so strange that your boss might care about your relationship ending, but suppose that's my generational bias showing up?

Keep up the good work woman!

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

@7w5 Ooh, only reading allowed, good idea. I bet you were (and still are) an awesome mom!

@mooretrees Oh man, I highly recommend getting up before everyone else. I’ve bathed, done my hair, cleaned, gone through the mail, and now I’m sitting here with my coffee, lurking on ere. It’s the best. ;)

Re boss. Maybe he won’t care? Who knows! He’s older and we’re “friends” (his words), so I think I’m mostly anxious he’ll maybe be upset I didn’t talk to him a long time ago about my marital problems. Even my friends are used to me being extremely quiet and private, though, and I’ve dropped a lot of hints to him recently that things aren’t going well, so maybe he won’t be surprised. ....lots of maybes in that paragraph. I should prolly just bite the bullet and tell him.

You keep up the good work, too! [interwebs high fives]

Hristo Botev
Posts: 1734
Joined: Tue Jul 17, 2018 3:42 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Hristo Botev »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Thu Mar 18, 2021 2:59 pm
I used to get up at least an hour or two before my kids for the same reason. I also had strict policy that they had to be in their own bedrooms by 8 pm with reading books their only allowed activity. Saved my sanity to the extent that my adult kids now remember me as being a fun mom :lol:
Yes and yes. I wake the kids up at about 6:45, but DW and I are up at 5:15--DW so that she can get in to work by 6 to get her 8 hours in and be home when the kids get out of school, and me so that I can have an hour and a half to walk the dog, exercise, get dressed, and read. (DW exercises in the afternoon, when she's waiting on the kids to walk home.) We also remain militant about the 8pm rule; that's not to say the kids aren't often still awake by the time we go to bed around 9:30 or so, but they are in their room reading by 8--it's about the only time DW and I get for just the 2 of us.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

March proved to be a difficult month. Total income was $12,052.60, and I still only managed a savings rate of 12%. But it's positive, so I'll take it. Minus the $4,011.90 I blew on paying off my ex's car, savings rate was 45%.

Divorce
Petition has been filed. My boss drove me home one night so I took that opportunity to tell him (difficult conversations are much easier when you're facing away from each other) and he was very supportive and understanding. Now comes ironing out the details about custody and then eventually transitioning everyone to the new schedule. We're going to have to figure out a new way to pay for the kids' colleges, since the Roth IRA approach won't be a good fit. Everything in the Roth IRA was my money anyway, so I'll keep it in the divorce as my own personal retirement account and we'll figure out some other way to lighten the financial burden of higher education for the kids.

Healthy Habits
I only got drunk four times in March: once for fun with my sister-in-law, once out of boredom, and twice out of, oh, let's call it sheer despair. I think, going forward, the easier and more reasonable limit I should put on myself is just not to drink when I have the kids. Easy enough. I love spending time with them and like to be fully present when I have them.

I hit my goal weight of 135. I look and feel great, so not much to say there. I keep biking to work, get the occasional run or hike in, and sometimes get to go lift weights in the apartment's gym. I still haven't tried the YouTube workouts people mentioned above; I'm too wiped at the end of the day after the full time job, kids, then chores.

I'm still getting up when I wake up, so anywhere between 4:30 and 6:00 a.m. This is working out really well for me.

Kids
My precious little baby boy broke his arm in a really unlucky fall. After 10 hours in the pediatric ER, they reset his arm, and we got home around 5 a.m., only to discover less than 24 hours later that he had contracted a vicious stomach bug at the ER. He spent the next five days vomiting and having nonstop diarrhea. It is really the sickest I have ever seen either of my kids. I don't think I slept that whole week and I spent much of it covered in vomit, but that's part of the whole mom gig. No light without darkness. He's fully recovered now, although he'll be in a cast for the next five weeks. Poor little man. My daughter took full advantage of our exhaustion and watched TV quite a bit for that week.

Family
My mother suggested that we move in together after the divorce. I could write pages on this, but it is something I am considering. I have her and my ex's large family in the same city, and having such an extensive and willing support structure has been an enormous help with the burden of child-rearing. It really does "take a village" to raise kids, and I have no idea how people do it alone or away from family. Moving in with my mom would also be beneficial to her--lower costs, I can do things around the house for her, companionship, etc. The idea does, however, bring to mind that Chinese saying about the burden of middle-age: 上有老,下有小. A middle-aged person carries the burden of caring for the old (their parents) and the young (their children).

Numbers
Retirement account: $83,300
Brokerage: $31,500
Roth IRA: $7,300
Cash: $6,700
Weight: 135 lbs.

ertyu
Posts: 2893
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by ertyu »

上有老,下有小: above have old, below have young?

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Yeah, a middle-aged person is sandwiched between 老 (old) and 小 (young). 上 is “on top”, 下 is “below.” So, old on top, young below; crushed between the two are foolish, incredibly lucky people like myself. :)

It sounds catchier in Chinese. Shang you lao, xia you xiao. It rhymes.

mooretrees
Posts: 762
Joined: Sun Jan 27, 2019 1:21 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by mooretrees »

Holy cow! Poor little man. Poor you! I'm glad he's recovered, sounds so awful to see your little one so sick. I feel that if you think moving in with your mom is worth it, then it's worth the stress of living with her. One of my sisters lived with our parents for years. It was really beneficial for her son and I think my sister and parents mostly enjoyed it too.

Congrats on looking and feeling great!

Do you speak Chinese to your kids?

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

God, I know! My tiny man! :cry: He mostly just cuddled me night and day. They were vomity cuddles, but cuddles nonetheless.

Re Maybe Mom Move-In. I am more than considering this... we drove around and looked at houses in an area that would work for us and would be close to my ex's new job (assuming he receives an offer, which we'll find out tomorrow).

[...]

Oh and re Chinese. I don't speak Chinese to the kids on a regular basis. Sometimes I read Chinese kid books to DD for shits and giggles, but Spanish is much more useful in these parts so if I do speak another language to them, I speak Spanish. I sang them a lot of Japanese songs when they were infants, though, because I find Japanese to be really soothing.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

I keep running and re-running my prospective budget for the next two years, and it keeps coming up a deficit. The bomb in my budget is childcare costs. It's not like a, "oh, if I don't buy lunch at work it'll be okay" sort of deficit either. It's a, "well, I'm fucked" sort of deficit. And then I laugh and divide the amount in my brokerage by the deficit and laugh again.

IIRC, I originally joined ERE in 2016. Started my journey $40k in the hole, now at an individual NW of over $100k, and if I were still married my joint NW would be over $250k.

I thought I came here seeking financial independence, but all along I was seeking personal independence.

...Worth it. :D

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

One of my kids’ favorite activities these days is to clamber around in my parked car and “drive” me places. “Mama, back seat!” DS2 will shout and indicate with his casted arm where I am expected to sit. Then he’ll plop down in the driver’s seat and say, “beep beep vroom vroom!” and off we go to Choo Choo Park. DD3 will select a CD from the collection I made as a teenager/early 20-year-old. Her favorite is Modest Mouse’s Good News for People Who Love Bad News because it’s pink.

I maybe drive my car once every two weeks, but this morning it was raining and I was already late to work, so I ferried my carcass in a 2,800 pound metal frame, propelled by the carcasses of dinosaurs, for a whole seven minutes to work. Along the way I listened to the first few songs of DD’s new favorite album and reminisced about the countless drives I made between Austin and San Antonio as a young adult, sometimes with this particular album on repeat. Ice age heat wave, can’t complain.

I rested in my old car in the sub-floor parking garage this dark morning and drank in the end of Ocean Breathes Salty. An old song in my old car in my old body, I felt reconnected to 20-year-old Gravy, that red-haired, responsibly wild girl that felt so deeply the wounds of everyone and everything around her. The more we move ahead the more we’re stuck in rewind. From the vantage point of the same but mustier car 13 years ahead in her future, I could see how and why her life unfolded the way it did, how her experiences as a child groomed her for the life she “chose.” As much as I know about my ex, I can rummage around and pick up the strings in his life that led us together, bound us together in an abusive, unhealthy relationship that inevitably produced the most beautiful, wonderful children that have ever bounced around this earth. You missed when the earth folded in on itself.

I am grateful. I am grateful that things couldn’t have happened any other way. And I forgive the both of us.

Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there but I wouldn’t hold my breath
You wasted life, why wouldn’t you waste death?


I heard back from a nanny company and I can actually afford a nanny for the next two years. I know I freaked out in the last post, but in my head if I’m not saving money then I’m on the brink of financial disaster. My official salary is a couple bucks shy of $80k/year and I have four built-in raises in the next two years, and if push comes to shove, I’ll figure it out. I trust myself and my future self. Downsize to a one-bedroom apartment. Move in with my mom. Get a part-time gig for my non-custody weeks. There are options. I am capable and smart and have a good support group. Don’t worry, even if things end up a bit too heavy, we’ll all float on, alright.

Numbers
Retirement: $86,000
Brokerage: $31,600
Roth IRA: $8,400
Cash: $7,300
April SR: 16%
Weight: 134

Hristo Botev
Posts: 1734
Joined: Tue Jul 17, 2018 3:42 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Hristo Botev »

What a wonderful ray of sunshine this post is; thank you for sharing.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 9372
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

It’s too bad this forum isn’t an actual nearby community. I would totally barter you babysitting in exchange for a couch surf and whatever form of “pumpkin seeds” you could come up with to barter for some of the demolition and carpentry work I need done.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 240
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Thanks, @HB. It’s nice to have this safe space to come and reflect.

@7w5 Totally agree I wish all of the people on here were local. I chuckled at the idea of you watching my babies (which I would totally let you do); I’d come home and DD3 would be like, “Auntie 7w5 showed us how to install working plumbing in our dollhouse! And taught us all about gender theory!” or something. They could learn sooo much from you, haha. I like the idea of exposing them to all sorts of adults and walks of life. Anyway, you’re always welcome on my couch, no transactions required.

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