Just Gravy

Where are you and where are you going?
Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

The Tedium

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

June Savings Rate: Positive[ly meaningless]

I'll have to pay my organization 24 more years of my life to retire with full and altogether modest benefits. I'll be 58, my youngest will be 27. What a long and furtive runway we humans have.

My boss has been on vacation for a month and thus so have I. I've popped into the office a few times more or less for the structure and socialization of it, otherwise even gainful employment starts to echo with the chant of "what the fuck am I doing here."

It's not the 24 additional years of timecard-punching that gnaws at me; what gnaws at me is that I'll be healthy enough to pull it off, and that I'll be healthy well beyond 58. Between now and then stretches The Tedium: playing on the floor with the kids, dinners, timeouts, new clothes, the Choosing of the Show, new songs I never wanted to hear, old shoes I never wanted to wear down. I try to focus on life. Try to focus on my inner thigh rubbed raw from a borrowed bike and 22 miles on a New England rail trail. Try to stand and appreciate and even so much as contemplate the crumby plates, sticky bowls, and half-full cups stacking to form haphazard skyscrapers in my frustratingly shallow apartment sink. The unspoken words hanging like icicles between breaths. My feverish son curling up in the crook of my arm; my daughter squeezing my hand in the dark while I consider in a minute all 90 years of her life.

I understand now why people have projects. The kids are helping me "fix" the beyond-repair dumpster bike; really we're just dismantling it. According to their characters, DD carefully selects a wrench and showingly fidgets with a bolt and DS grabs a hammer and shouts hammerhammerhammer! as he uselessly smacks a tire. And I remove and disassemble the gear-shift or derailleur and steep myself in the appreciation that I don't know a goddamn thing and I probably never will.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

June SR: 17%
July SR: 1%
NW: $127,600

I am basically financially treading water, with a sliiight forward trajectory, which is precisely what I calculated until the kids are out of daycare. I am shocked July was positive. I bought two new tires for my car and bought the kids their first real bikes with real price tags. I’ll recoup some of the cost by reselling them when they outgrow them, and my ex said he’d pay for the next round of bikes. Biking with the kids ticks a lot of boxes (physical exercise, togetherness, life skill, fun) and I’m gonna put my money where my values are.

The Texas summer has been absolutely brutal (what’s going on? Is there, like, some sort of impending doom screaming toward us that I’m unaware of?) and I actually got depressed from it (see e.g., my last post). My therapist’s recommendation that I start anti-depressants was enough of a kick in the ass to get back on the self-care horse, and I’m hoping to avoid medication. I dunno. Maybe it’s the endless shimmering-heatwave summer or the impotence I feel at the climate-change-doom my two sets of children will face or maybe it’s something else. The knowledge that we are rapidly deteriorating meat sacks cursed with consciousness instills in one a “I have no mouth, and I must scream” sort of permeating horror which distractions can only briefly mollify, so, y’know, maybe it’s some of that, too.

It’s been hard to exercise outside this summer. Every time I do heat stroke beckons from the distorted horizon, and I chug pickle juice as soon as I crawl back into my AC hole. I’ve logged over 1,000 miles on the bike, averaging 62 miles/month for 2022. I was hoping to average 100 miles/month, but the wild heat combined with my schedule’s consistent inconsistency deflated my numbers.

My schedule is as wild as the heat. Take, for instance, my evenings. In a “typical” month, I have 8 nights alone, 8 nights with Suo, 9 nights with the kids, and 6 nights with Suo and the kids. For the most part, I like this schedule. I even like the time away from Suo. I used to like it for the healing opportunity it provided, but now I like it for the intense reconnections of when I fly through the door on my lunch hour and jump that unbelievably handsome, strong, intelligent, caring, empathetic, capable, competent, differentiated, sexy pillar of a man. Ahem. I dislike the weekends by myself with the kids, where for 64 straight hours I am the sole caregiver for a 3- and 4-year-old. I used to beat myself up about how I can’t enjoy every. single. minute. of those 64 hours, but once I framed childcare as an activity, I was able to forgive myself. There's an enjoyment ceiling on all of my favorite activities, after all. Call it 2 hours for biking, 3 hours for sex, an hour or two for reading. I definitely enjoy some of those (endless, torturous) 64 hours with the kids, but little kids are on all the time and it's totally understandable that I would quickly tire of fetching milk and refereeing sibling battles and playing legos.

That said, the kids are getting better as they age. I think I’ll really enjoy ages 5+. The baby and toddler stages… they’re just not for me. Lots of cuteness, lots of wonder, but far too much “alright, this is how you human omg seriously like this what the fuck are you doing get back here and human why aren’t you listening to me… you would die in the wild.” I am doomed if child protective services ever interview my upstairs neighbors; my children scream bloody murder because I tell them that they can’t eat apples after they brush their teeth for bedtime. I’m just… over it.

Recent reading:
The Way We Never Were by Stephanie Coontz (4/10)
The Overstory by Richard Powers (10/10)
All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr (10/10) (sis recommendation)
How to Raise an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi (2/10)
No-Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel (7/10)
The Connections by Jonathan Franzen (3/10)
Hell Followed with Us by Andrew White (7/10) (sis recommendation)

Next on my list are:
Tuesday or September or the End by Hannah Black
Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao (sis recommendation)

Laura Ingalls
Posts: 665
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:13 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Laura Ingalls »

I don’t know if you are intentionally trying to be funny but this journal cracks me up.

Couple of random comments. Totally agree on your insights on marriage except that we have personally done well with joint finances. Mostly because we both dislike spending money.

Well healthier living via healthier living is fantastic don’t be fearful of antidepressants. I have a low dose of Lexipro not necessarily for depression but to beat my premenstrual hostile outbursts. It sure takes the bottoms off my lows without making me feel flat. Just less susceptible to yelling and saying mean stuff to people I love and usually even like.

Little kids are hard. Not sure the hardest age but both of mine were pretty chill around 7. Older offspring was a frustrating person from 15-19 but in retrospect my expectations were pretty high and he had plenty to revel from. Younger offspring has been a easier teen, but I suspect will have more struggles a bit later as he is very indecisive and less hellbent on being independent.

DS2 always tells me if all you do is yell I won’t tell you anything anymore. He has also told me how sad he felt when his brother and I argued constantly and how he was afraid we would end up estranged. Anyway we all can get better at all kinds of relationships.

take2
Posts: 317
Joined: Wed Jan 09, 2019 8:32 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by take2 »

Biscuits and Gravy wrote:
Mon Aug 15, 2022 2:23 pm
you would die in the wild
I think this all the time. It’s actually given me a whole new perspective on people. Every single person you know is only alive because someone else cared enough to keep them alive. Whenever I meet an asshole I no longer think, what an asshole. Now I think it’s sad that the person who bothered enough to keep this former baby alive didn’t know or care enough to teach it to be kind.

You’re killing it at always. Keep it up.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

@Laura It's not that I'm trying to be funny--it's that life is absurd and I like to laugh at it. Thanks for laughing with me!

Re joint finances in marriage. If I'm lucky enough to get married again, I could see having a joint account for shared expenses/goals, but the autonomy that comes with an individual account feels right for me. That's great you and your hubs are on the same page wrt finances; marriage sucks enough--I mean, is pleasantly challenging and growth-inducing enough--without that additional friction, amiright?

Re antidepressants. I think you're right that I'm fearful of them. I used to be involved in products liability litigation and that experience made me wary of pharmaceuticals. I also know that I'm not doing everything in my power to crawl up out of the Mariana Trench without antidepressants. I could always drink less, work out more, eat less shit, be more present, etc. That a pill could pop me up to the surface in four weeks with potentially minimal effort on my part is great but it probably means I'm just going to sink again sooner rather than later. That said, I did promise my therapist to schedule a consult with a psychiatrist (which I did and which was mysteriously and unilaterally canceled by the practice a few hours ago), but I scheduled the consult two weeks out with the intention of seeing if better life choices in the meantime would get me close to the surface. Lo and behold, the markers of depression are now absent. All it takes (for me) is no alcohol, minimal stress at work, and three 90-minute sessions of Bikram yoga, apparently. It's also been raining a whole bunch which has made going outside slightly more bearable.

Re kids. Siiiiigh. You have no idea how envious I am that you have a young adult and a teenager. You're so close to the finish line. They probably even wipe their own butts and fetch their own damn chocolate milk. [longing sigh]

@take2 That good ole parental blame! Every night my mom chided me to sit up straight at the dinner table. Every. Night. Now that I'm an adult and trying to model acceptable behavior for my kids I sometimes hear her voice as I'm bent over my plate, shoveling food into my face and chortling at my daughter obnoxiously opening her mouth to show me her half-eaten food. Point is, individuals choose their own paths and it's probably not that asshole's parents' fault that s/he's an asshole. Except that we're all assholes, and assholes, by nature, must beget assholes, so... :P

But, based on the sheer helplessness and stupidity of our babies, it is absolutely remarkable that the human race survived and continues to survive, although I guess not for much longer. And thanks for the kind words!

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Sometimes I clutch at my accumulated money like a buoy--as if it could serve as a stabilizer, or could serve as a testament to my stability. "Behold, I am not so weird that a reputable employer is repulsed by me." I manage; I function; I even, on occasion, contribute. I am the last one in and the first one out of the office. When something is asked of me, I do it well. When nothing is asked of me, I do nothing. I exist and get paid to exist. I do not think this is a tenable approach, but at the moment I am struggling with this aspect of my life. Being that this aspect funds the rest of my aspects, disquiet quietly permeates.

I've been thinking about illusions--"a false idea or belief" or "a thing that is or is likely to be wrongly perceived or interpreted by the senses." A coworker recently bought a house and expressed his relief of "finally, some stability," and when he was out of earshot I snarked at my boss, "should we tell him there's no such thing?", to which my boss chuckled and told me I am too young to be so jaded.

I don't know why I bring it to y'all. I think the very last of my magical thinking is gone, so I'm struggling a bit. It's fine. I know it's all chaos, all chance, all biology, all urges, all absurd, but it's hard to hold that gaze steady.

I found a new place to cycle, so that's cool. I could buy the new bike I really want, but somehow I can't bring myself to. I went through a period of buying myself fresh-cut flowers and every time I saw them they gave me such an embarrassingly indescribable happy, like I've existed this whole time for other people and finally, finally I can exist for myself, and maybe buying a new bike is just a hill in that direction.

classical_Liberal
Posts: 2283
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:05 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by classical_Liberal »

Interesting.

I read Sou's last post and it seems in opposition to your "quiet quitting". I will respond to him soon too, but I have to think about it all. The man has a talent for provoking deep thought.

Maybe you just have to "buy the bike". It's longer lasting joy than the flowers.

Sometimes, you don't feel the need for flowers when you have the bike.

I don't know shit about kids, personally. But I do (did) know a ton of people who are dying. Almost everyone of those little old ladies, thought back to a time when they had young kids as the happiest time of their lives.

Again, what do I know? Nothing. Just recounting the experiences of a myriad of people.

Given their experiences maybe you should try to enjoy what you have, maybe they are not all wrong?

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

@c_L So good to hear from you. I hope all is well.

Both of my kids have the flu. We’re on day 7. When DD was born, she was 6.1 lbs of fury and her forearm was no longer than my pinky finger. She had colic and acid reflux and puked on me and screamed at me for six months straight. DS, 20 months behind her, occasionally hits her and immediately snuggles her and apologizes. I took them to Target today and bought them $150 worth of crap because it made them smile and each toddler smile is a bar of gold deposited in my Bank of Happy.

I’m of a different generation than the old ladies that you witnessed ease into the afterlife. Children were their direction, their escape, their privilege, their honor, their duty. My children are my choice, my burden, my joy. This journal is a place for my self-indulgent reflection and mourning. Also, babies are different from toddlers and toddlers are different from young kids. I’m only just entering the young kid phase. This all sounds defensive, I know, but, like, come watch these jerks for a week and lemme know if it’s the best time of your life.

I can’t buy the bike. I stood in the grocery store yesterday contemplating blackberries on sale that made my mouth water and my first, second, and third thought was, “no one else in my household will eat these.” I didn’t buy them. Baby steps, baby. Flowers, then, maybe two years from now, a bike.

Per @Laura Ingalls and my therapist’s suggestion, I started Lexapro. It’s interesting. The “sky-is-falling” anxiety is certainly lessened, but I am still me. Chemicals, ego, whatever, as long as I can do as little damage as possible raising these kids.

7Wannabe5
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Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

It's easier if you have them when you are really young. I pretty much muddled my way through those years in oblivion of Advanced Beginner confidence and prolactin buzz. In retrospect, that period of my life does seem pretty good, in part because the narrative of parenthood is so clear and compelling. Shit starts to seem pretty random after you've been empty nest for 15 years and you still have maybe another 30 years to burn.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

It is good, clear and compelling, and, above all, distracting. I don’t doubt I will pine for these years. I also don’t doubt that procreation was a blatant, selfish, and wonderful mistake.

classical_Liberal
Posts: 2283
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:05 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by classical_Liberal »

@B+G
By no means do I want you to stop your "self indulgent reflection and morning". I was just trying to bring some positive reflections wrt your situation from others I have been honored to be with at their most vulnerable moments. Apologies if it seemed otherwise.

Thanks for the well wishes, they are appreciated!

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Living Sans Objective

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Finances: I’m not broke and the kids have shelter, food, and love. My employment is permanent, predictable, and palatable. The monthly $825 daycare bill ends in approximately 10 months and thereafter I will be doing a lot more cocaine. I mean, saving. I will be doing a lot more saving.

Health: Thanks to Lexapro, I am no longer hunted by lions at all times, but I still experience “healthy” anxiety and I have more mental energy to apply to more important or “meaningful” things. Lexapro does little for my depression, but if I found depression to be an issue (and I don’t, not compared to the lions) I could always give up drinking. It’s quite possible even a diagnosis of cirrhosis would not be enough to pry the whiskey bottle from these Irish hands. I gained a little bit of weight (maybe from the Lexapro, maybe from the excessive booze and ice cream, who knows, it’s a goddamn mystery), but as long as I don’t have to invest in a new wardrobe and DBF still wants to bang me, who cares. Well, I say “who cares,” but my mom and sister told me I am getting fat. At nearly 5’6” and in the low 140s, I am a fine weight (she sez, defensively, gesticulating wildly), and I exercise nearly everyday, so, y’know, they can continue living their lives perpetually dieting and denying, but I don’t really want to model and pass that over-played obsession on to my daughter, so I’m out.

Hobbies: Registered for RAGBRAI 2023 (along with a certain handsome man). I bought my first real cycling shirt and really dug those handy pockets. I also bought—sorry, “invested in”—a pair of cycling shorts. I’ve been using my mom’s hand-me-downs (gross? whatevs) but she’s 6’1” and her stuff is big on me. The chain on my bike stretched out and I replaced it myself. Learning about the different width of chains was interesting. I’ve logged nearly 900 miles this year—over 1,300 total—and I’m really enjoying it all. This is probably my favorite sport I’ve done. I’m learning a lot about endurance/the importance of energy conservation, and I’m aware of my body and breathing in a way I never was when I played tennis. Maybe it’s a maturity thing and not a sport thing, though.

Uh, I haven’t mentioned it before, but I used to be really into video games. One of my sisters is in town for the holiday and we took two nights off from mom-ing to eat taquitos, drink Pepsi, and play Perfect Dark on the N64—just like old times—and that was really fun. I think I’m going to leave my 64 hooked up and introduce my kids to it.

Family: I am so incredibly fortunate to have so many wonderful family members (15 in Houston alone!). And yes I’m counting my ex-husband’s girlfriend in that number, because she’s a regular at our family brunches and I quite like her. I miss my kids when they’re not next to me, but now I know that to be a parent’s lifelong burden. My mom drunkenly let slip today that I’m her favorite daughter and then she HUGGED and KISSED me and the unbelievable impact of that on me, a middle aged woman starting a crop of grey hair, is a wonderful reminder of how delicate I need to be whilst raising my children. They didn’t choose me. They didn’t choose to be born. I can do nothing to shield them from life, nor would I want to—they need to be tempered by fire, like the rest of us—but I will do my utter best to be a non in their lives. I hope, when they’re asked about me, they just say, “yeah, my mom loved me and it was fine.”

Something more: As I change, I still find myself drawn to ERE, and it no longer has to do with finances or anti-consumerism or Ecological… Renaissance… something. I keep coming back to read of your journeys and thoughts because of the depth. Because of your depth. Because, day to day, out here, I encounter people and their wells are finite. Maybe they know themselves, maybe they are just uncovering, but they are not yet aware that the universe exists within them. So few, it seems, excavate their wells, then wonder what’s below. What feeds the well. Thank you for wondering. Thank you for sharing.

mooretrees
Posts: 762
Joined: Sun Jan 27, 2019 1:21 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by mooretrees »

Lovely. Thank YOU for sharing.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

You’re lovely.

Update: My kids and I played Mario 64 and Mariokart 64 today. Such a strange and wonderful experience and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been looking forward to sharing video games with the kids since that first ultrasound.

They’re already asleep, all snuggled up cutely with their favorite bankies and stuffies and snoring their recently-recovered-from-URIs snores. As I sat here, jigsaw-puzzling, a sudden boom rattled the windowpanes and I wondered if it was a bomb or thunder. (Who knows these days, with these idiots that run things). If a bomb, I hoped to be at the epicenter, and I even held my breath for a few seconds, but alas, Babylon, it was thunder. I had a good chuckle, digging through the pieces of a puzzle I’ve done twice before, thinking that not one person could stand at my graveside and say this chick didn’t live her life to the fullest. If it comes, let it come swiftly. I’m just swimming in gravy over here, enjoying.

ETA: Oh, I remember what I was going to say. A couple weeks ago I was asked to mentor a struggling someone at work, but I came away from the meetings thinking, “this is simply an issue of managing expectations.” They hired a 24 year-old and were expecting her to act like a 50 year-old. I can mentor, but I can’t mature someone. Anyway, since those meetings I’ve been reframing the frictions in my life as expectation management, and it’s provided a surprising amount of relief. Thanks for the insight, employment.

Laura Ingalls
Posts: 665
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:13 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Laura Ingalls »

Just got myself caught up in the Gravy Life. Interesting about the Lexapro. I to feel like me on it only less anxious, prone to yelling at people over rando life unpleasantries.

Cool about Ragbrai. My spouse has done the ride twice. The first time I camped one night with his “team”. I like the camping, beer drinking, and music. Not interested in riding a self propelled vehicle that far. I would rather scoop ice cream with the traveling ice cream truck.

Maybe I should stop saying that and see if the ice cream place down the street would hire me for some festival.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

2022 Numbers

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

The ERE I pursued in 2022 was not Early Retirement Extreme or Emergent Renaissance Ecology. It was Emotional Recovery Extreme. I had to recover from my divorce, from that relationship, from having two kids back-to-back, and from letting go of what I had imagined my life would look like. It’s been a rough road, and I am stronger and wiser for it.

I'm happy with where the chips have landed since the divorce. The kids are acclimated and healthy and surrounded by supportive people. My ex has a GF, a good job, and is buying a house (all ostensibly outward signs of "success" in our culture). I am the happiest and least anxious I have ever been in my adult life, even though this is the most stressful my life has ever been (simply because of the kids, damn them :P), and I get to love on a truly wonderful, thoughtful, kind man. I feel at peace with myself and with the people and world around me. The world will change. Circumstances will change. People will change. I will change. I trust my future self to handle it all with grace, strength, humility, and Lexapro.

Even if real ERE was on 2022’s proverbial backburner, I still tracked my expenses and am happy to share the averages. All numbers below are the monthly averages from Jan. 2022 to Dec. 2022 for a three-sometimes-four-person household.

Bird’s Eye:
Income: $7,387.87
Expenses: $5,220.47
Savings Rate: 25%

Worm’s Eye (ordered high to low):
Income
Salary: $4,394.98
Retirement Contributions: $2,167.03
Other Income (tax return, Dependent Care Reimbursable Account, credit card cashback): $790.69
Realized gains: $35.17

Expenses
Rent + Utilities + Ins.: $1817.07
Childcare: $778.65
Car Note + Ins. + Upkeep + Gas + Parking: $685.89
Groceries: $633.36
Big Box Store: $203.60
Gifts: $202.45
Hobby: $138.49
Clothing/Personal Care: $122.96
Kid Activities: $115.28
Medical: $114.43
Restaurants: $87.35
Office: $83.38
Money to Ex: $65.04
Unusual/Other: $44.66
Travel: $41.77
Cell Phone: $31.96
Home: $28.49
Entertainment/Subscriptions: $25.65

@Laura Ingalls Thanks for following along! Yeah, Lexapro's effects are really nice. I don't know when I'll get off of it. Maybe when the kids are all grown and gone, heh.
Cool your hubs did RAGBRAI twice! And, what, there's a traveling ice cream truck?! This ride sounds better and better. I scooped ice cream for a summer job once--it was great. The customers are always in a good mood and it's a good way to gain a couple of pounds, lol.

ETA: I made the poor choice to calculate how much I spent on the kids last year. Considering I’d be in a one bedroom, sans car, and no daycare, it came out to $24,600. A small price to pay to get yelled at every day.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

classical_Liberal wrote:
Tue Oct 18, 2022 6:16 pm
Maybe you just have to "buy the bike". It's longer lasting joy than the flowers.
I bought the bike! A second-hand 2012 Roubaix. What a difference from my 10 year-old single speed. It’s like going from a pogo stick to a rocket ship. Like going from a longboard to a Lamborghini. What are all of these gears for?!? It flattens hills and on a straight shot I got up to 24 mph! It’s so much fun. I’m having so much fun. :D

2Birds1Stone
Posts: 1590
Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2015 11:20 am
Location: Earth

Re: Just Gravy

Post by 2Birds1Stone »

That's quite the upgrade! I finally got my wife on a proper road bike last year after she grew tired of her miss-sized and poorly geared MTB from the early 1990's.......now I have a hard time keeping up :)

Ride it in good health for a many years.

mooretrees
Posts: 762
Joined: Sun Jan 27, 2019 1:21 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by mooretrees »

Yes! It's such a game changer to add those gears, and so much time without them means you REALLY appreciate them. Hears to many fun miles ahead of you.

classical_Liberal
Posts: 2283
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:05 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by classical_Liberal »

Nice purchase!

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