Just Gravy

Where are you and where are you going?
Western Red Cedar
Posts: 1200
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 2:15 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Western Red Cedar »

Thanks for the detailed review of Permission to Feel! I'm putting a library hold on it today. It looks like something my DW and I would benefit from right now.

Also - planning on making biscuits and gravy tonight for dinner with some leftover sausage from a camping trip. A little rich for my regular diet, but homemade biscuits and gravy have a special place in my heart. Especially if they are cloud biscuits.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

@7w5 "I feel like I no longer give a fuck what you feel" would be a great title for some perfect-suburban-mom-that-finally-snaps tell-all.

@Myakka Feelings are just a part of you. Do you feel similarly terrified to tune into and notice your left arm? Giving yourself permission to feel is a surprisingly difficult step, especially if you feel afraid to feel. Even if you can RULER, that's not gonna make the world less painful; it just makes you more resilient to the guaranteed shittiness of life and improves your interactions with others. I don't remember if he says this in the book, but ultimately I think it's about connecting deeply with other people, and maybe the first step is connecting deeply with yourself, which, unfortunately, involves feeling your feelings and understanding them. Re religiosity (aside: it's funny that you used this word, because it's defined as a "strong religious feeling"): How dare you bring religion into my safe, secular space! I cannot forgive it. ;) But I agree, positive thinking is powerful and does lead to greater peace within ourselves.

@J+G Totes! Dunno if you've read it, but Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman goes over how emotions communicate information from the subconscious. It's so bizarre that learning how to feel takes awhile, but I had the exact same experience, and I'm also learning how to move through them more quickly and enjoy them. I used to feel actual terror at the thought of feeling despair or depression, but now I kinda enjoy and respect despair, because it's such a powerful emotion that it blots out all other feelings and consumes the feeler. Those are the nights I fucking feel it and lean into it and get drunk and cry and watch Hoarders. And it passes. And everything is okay. Or, well, I'm still alive, at least. I agree moving through emotions quickly is easier if you're in an elevated or good mood already. I have three simple rules I follow now to stay in a good mood so I can better process my feelings as they come: 1) hydrate, 2) exercise, and 3) eat well. Wish I could add adequate sleep to the list, but my life is what it is. Interwebs high-fives for learning how to feel the feels.

@WRC I'm not sure how I feel about you eating me for dinner, but I do agree with the characterization that I am a "little rich." :) Glad you're going to read it! I'm trying not to be pushy, but honestly I feel like anyone and everyone could benefit from this book, and it's very readable. It is really one of the three books that has resonated deeply and changed my life; the other two being Emerson's Essays and, of course, Jacob's ERE.

7Wannabe5
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Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Yeah, or maybe “Total Empathy Bleed Out” or “An Icy Morning in San Diego.”

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

July savings rate was -49%. But that's it, as of August 1, I'm done carrying two households. Transitions are brutal, so if August isn't stellar, I'll forgive myself.

I'm thankful for:

1. My job and the attendant fire hose of cash that made leaving my situation possible.
2. My boss. His kindness, patience, support, and good humor. I am really, really lucky to work for such a great guy, and I wonder if when he retires I'll flip a desk and be like, nah, no other man, I'm out! That'll probably be in 10-15 years, which would line up nicely with my own abbreviated timeline.
3. My ex. That he lets me see the kids and hang out at his place on my non-custody nights so I never have to really miss my babies. I couldn't ask for a better dad for them. Sure, sometimes he's an asshole, but so am I. The kids got his breath-takingly blue eyes and luxuriously long eyelashes, the little jerks, and I'm thankful for that, too.
4. My natural assets. I carry a lot of shame about my intelligence and beauty, but, as my therapist phrased it, those are just natural assets and they don't make me any more valuable than any other person. I'm learning to own these parts of me. To stop minimizing for the comfort of others. When my SAT scores came in, the first words out of my mother's mouth were, "we can't let your sisters know." Because then they would feel lesser. I would make them feel uncomfortable about my intelligence and insecure about their own abilities. I've consistently felt out of place with other women--I've been bullied and ostracized for my natural assets, which increased the inclination to minimize. Fuck that, from here on out, I'm going to own and leverage me.
5. The man I'm seeing. To be afforded intimate glimpses into the life and thinking of a man I so respect and admire is such a privilege and a joy. I love his patience, presence, wit, and that funny face he makes when he knows I said something dumb but doesn't want to call me out on it. He is, uh, also ridiculously handsome, which adds to my appreciation for number 4, cuz no way I coulda landed this man without my ass..ets. Seriously, though, I get tongue-tied around him. Other women check him out when I'm walking with him! And I wanna be like, omg, I know, right!! And then high-five them behind his back. And then be all like, what was that, baby? What were we talking about? Blockchain?
6. Bikes and bayous.
7. My mom. For once upon a time cleaning up as much puke and shit as I clean up now. Seriously, thank your mothers.

suomalainen
Posts: 976
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by suomalainen »

I love you.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

[tongue-tied]

7Wannabe5
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Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Might be reflective of vitamin B12 deprivation impact on my intellectual assets, but I can't tell whether you guys are just funning or maybe you are actually a couple!?!?

I've always been more envious of women who always look above average and the same than women who are strikingly beautiful, because if you always looked above average and the same, your looks would just be something neutral you wouldn't have to think about, and you would be more free to focus energy on soil microbiology, theatrical costume design, or sky diving. OTOH, the advantage of sometimes looking pretty hawt and sometimes seriously not, as has been my experience, is akin to what you can learn from reading novels and inhabiting different character's perspectives.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Haha, yeah, we’re a couple. ERE’s first? Thanks, Jacob!

My experience of attractiveness parallels yours, 7w5. Leads to a deeper appreciation, I think.

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mountainFrugal
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Joined: Fri May 07, 2021 2:26 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by mountainFrugal »

Behind @soumalainen's back high-five @biscuitsandgravy! :)

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Alice_AU
Posts: 136
Joined: Fri Aug 09, 2019 2:42 am
Location: Sydney Australia

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Alice_AU »

High-five! :D
…dying to see some pictures now… ‘ass-ets’ and whatnot)))

7Wannabe5
Posts: 9344
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

High-five! I knew Suo must be good-looking as soon as he mentioned that he was instantly successful with dating apps, but I had previously pictured him as very tall, receding hairline, somewhat paunchy, and wearing a vest.

Hristo Botev
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Joined: Tue Jul 17, 2018 3:42 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Hristo Botev »

Wow; speechless. Mazel tov you two.

suomalainen
Posts: 976
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by suomalainen »

Oh ladies. Gravy oversells. I'm just your average 6'2", 237lb (fit-fat), full-haired, average Finnish man (who are, on average, devastatingly handsome, obviously).

Gravy is an extraordinary woman - a kind, caring, empathic, smart, insightful, curious, reasonable (mostly!), funny, beautiful, athletic, sexy, and strong woman who is capable of the deepest vulnerability and intimacy. I feel very lucky to have her in my life.

ETA: no vest

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

@mF Hell yes!
@Alice_Au Are you... asking me to post a pic of my ass?! :o That's probably against forum decorum. Not to self-dox or anything, but I'm totally one of the backup dancers in Nicki Minaj's Anaconda.
@7w5 Ah, the women on those dating apps. Mad props to them for swiping right on Suo; may I one day have an ounce of their collective confidence.
@HB Toda!
@Suo I love you.

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mountainFrugal
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Re: Just Gravy

Post by mountainFrugal »

I hope you, @suo and family are doing well during this Hurricane.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Aw that’s sweet mountainFrugal, thanks. I live in Houston; all Hurricane Ida brought us was some cooler weather and scattered rain for the weekend. I feel for our Cajun friends. You don’t have to worry about me when hurricanes come to H-Town, though, because I intentionally live in places that don’t flood. I consult our county flood map tool (https://www.harriscountyfemt.org/) (what? Y’all’s counties don’t have one of those?) and talk to people who live in the area before moving in. For power outages, 1) I got candles and camping equipment, 2) the apartment managers fight the fight of getting power back on for me, and 3) I have loads of friends and family in the area with whom I can stay. As for falling trees, let’s just hope it’s a biggun and I’ll never be the wiser.

classical_Liberal
Posts: 2283
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:05 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by classical_Liberal »

Finally you two ultra-intelligent, attractive ERE super heroes outed yourselves. Geez! In time to encourage some other ERE love connections, I hope.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Other ERE love connections, huh? We’re looking for a third, aren’t we, Suo? When did you say you’re coming to Tejas again, c_L? ;) Kidding, love. So great to see you back on the forums! Crushing hugs!

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 238
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

August net savings rate was 5%. Gross (calculating in my and my employer's retirement contributions) was 33%.

I'll finally post a budget:

August Gross Income: $6,215.91
August Net Income: $4,392.23

Expenses (ordered highest to lowest)
Rent (+ utilities + renter's insurance): -$1,754.90
Car (note, parking, gas, insurance, upkeep): -$656.15
Groceries: -$413.64 (this includes diapers)
Childcare*: -$321.07
Hobby/Travel: -$284.72
Restaurant: -$147.71
Big Box Store: -$124.74 (also includes diapers)
Entertainment: -$106.64
Medical: -$90
Gifts: -$82.98
Kid Activities: -$64.75
Alcohol: -$54.63
Unusual: -$36
Cell Phone: -$20

*From September onward, childcare will be -$825+.

There is a lot of fat to cut in my August numbers, and I'll need to cut it for September and onward in order to make the extra $500/month in childcare costs work.

And yes, I'm aware of the car. It is what it is for awhile. My ex chose to live waaaaay the fuck away from me and I've gone from driving 50-100 miles a month in a paid off 2008 POS that was unsuitable for tiny children to driving 1,000 miles a month in a borrowed-from-the-bank swanky mom mid-size SUV. It's so fancy I have no idea what all it does. I had three hours to buy a car and I walked on the lot and was like "which used car has rear A/C" and they said "these two" and I said "that one." A classic example of solving my problems with money. Again, it just is what it is for awhile. Part of the price of divorce. I can't control where he lives and because of the hours of his job I'm the one that has to ferry the children around from daycare to my place to his place. I hate that we're in the car so much but we pass the time by making grotesquely over the top fart sounds (with our mouths, geez) and passing around a magna-doodle.

As for the kids, they've transitioned to living in two homes. My son no longer screams and cries and clings to me when I drop him off at my ex's. He does still cry when I say it's a daddy night, though, because he prefers me and my place. It sucks and I wish I could hold him forever. As for me, I'm trying to learn how to break patterns. Patterns, be they financial or emotional or what have you, are difficult to break.

Dunkelheit
Posts: 71
Joined: Sat Nov 28, 2015 4:24 pm
Location: Somewhere in Spain

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Dunkelheit »

Dear B&G, thanks to WRC and your review of Permission to Feel I have come to your humble and sweet home. I will take a while and digest your journal slowly. Thanks a lot for putting your words into it.

From INTP to INTP ;)
Dunkel

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