The bike is teaching me a lot. It’s teaching me about breathing, energy conservation, community, and the benefit of gears.
At the start of this journal, I wrote about alignment. The major and poorly executed life shift of divorce startled me into recognizing how much I actually hurt. Like a chiropractic yank and the ensuing clarity from relief. For some reason, I thought that shift alone would suffice for my lifelong happiness.
But to stay in alignment, constant adjustments are needed. I need to be in the right gear for the situation. When the hill comes, shift gears. When it’s flat and straight, shift gears. When DD has an asthma attack, shift gears. When all is quiet and no one needs anything from me, shift gears. Parent gear. Nurse gear. Lover gear. Worker gear. Just Gravy gear. Shift, shift, shift.
The single speed got me to where I needed to be, but the Roubaix flows, and that makes for a much more pleasant ride.
Just Gravy
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Biscuits and Gravy
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm
Snapshot
Where you are right now.
Working under a temporary modified custody arrangement of having the kids from Sunday at 5pm to Friday school drop off, then seeing them for 8 am soccer on Saturday. Five nights of bedtime routine, five mornings of getting two toddlers to school. You prepare and clean up three meals a day seven days a week. You do at least one load of laundry a day. At least one load of dishes a day. You’re scared to look under the couch; who knows what rotting milk cups huddle beneath.
Working full time, spring is the busiest time of the year. Every morning you’re late by an hour. Every afternoon you ask your boss if you can sneak out ten minutes early to beat the traffic. You wear the professional costume, but you haven’t had time to buy new heels and your old ones smell from all the walking to and from the far away parking lot.
Exhausted beyond burnout. At the end of every day amazed you could accomplish so much, and for it all to mean so very little.
Baby girl is becoming more independent, but you still like to indulge her too much. Her hair is gorgeous, but you try not to tell her. Don’t want her so focused on looks. You encourage her art, her reading. You try to spark a reasonable fear of strangers in her.
Baby boy is in a rough period; he likes to think he can control people. A ‘no’ sends him flying off the handle. He’s hitting and screaming and spitting. He broke yet another arm tripping on a tree root and you’re worried he has his dad’s ADHD. You’re not sure how to respond and need resources and education to do the best by him. Every night, after his ritual 20 minute tantrum (“ONE MORE BOOK”), he snuggles close to you and kisses your cheek and sometimes you quietly cry.
You try not to cry in front of your kids, but you do. It’s the exhaustion. That call from the daycare yesterday to get baby girl at lunchtime; you rested your head against your steering wheel and wept. She told you to stop crying because it was hurting her head. You wiped your tears away and drove back to work with her, where your boss gave her disapproving looks and your coworkers gave her too much candy and told her she was “pretty,” “adorable,” “precious,” and “so cute.” Please stop, we don’t want her to know.
You stopped drinking. Maybe it’s been over a month now. It certainly helps. Instead you allow yourself 10mg of edibles Friday night and you laugh like a hyena until your sides hurt then you sleep for 12 hours and man do you enjoy those nights.
You watch your diet closely. You can no longer work out (kids all the time, too tired when you don’t have them) and you’re worried about weight gain. A bowl of baked oatmeal with Bulgarian yogurt in the morning, baked sweet potato and beans for lunch, and vegetables and fish for dinner. Fruit for snacks if you must. It’s a manageable deficit.
The following thoughts bring you comfort: this is temporary; come summer you can sneak away for a real vacation; everyone is fine, growing; there is plenty of money. The following things bring you comfort: being wrapped up in your boyfriend’s arms; baby boy sitting on your lap (now he barely fits) while baby girl snuggles close; a nice bike ride; your extended family.
You watched a family member die recently and you thought it wasn’t all so bad, to die that way, surrounded by family, quietly. Quietly.
Working under a temporary modified custody arrangement of having the kids from Sunday at 5pm to Friday school drop off, then seeing them for 8 am soccer on Saturday. Five nights of bedtime routine, five mornings of getting two toddlers to school. You prepare and clean up three meals a day seven days a week. You do at least one load of laundry a day. At least one load of dishes a day. You’re scared to look under the couch; who knows what rotting milk cups huddle beneath.
Working full time, spring is the busiest time of the year. Every morning you’re late by an hour. Every afternoon you ask your boss if you can sneak out ten minutes early to beat the traffic. You wear the professional costume, but you haven’t had time to buy new heels and your old ones smell from all the walking to and from the far away parking lot.
Exhausted beyond burnout. At the end of every day amazed you could accomplish so much, and for it all to mean so very little.
Baby girl is becoming more independent, but you still like to indulge her too much. Her hair is gorgeous, but you try not to tell her. Don’t want her so focused on looks. You encourage her art, her reading. You try to spark a reasonable fear of strangers in her.
Baby boy is in a rough period; he likes to think he can control people. A ‘no’ sends him flying off the handle. He’s hitting and screaming and spitting. He broke yet another arm tripping on a tree root and you’re worried he has his dad’s ADHD. You’re not sure how to respond and need resources and education to do the best by him. Every night, after his ritual 20 minute tantrum (“ONE MORE BOOK”), he snuggles close to you and kisses your cheek and sometimes you quietly cry.
You try not to cry in front of your kids, but you do. It’s the exhaustion. That call from the daycare yesterday to get baby girl at lunchtime; you rested your head against your steering wheel and wept. She told you to stop crying because it was hurting her head. You wiped your tears away and drove back to work with her, where your boss gave her disapproving looks and your coworkers gave her too much candy and told her she was “pretty,” “adorable,” “precious,” and “so cute.” Please stop, we don’t want her to know.
You stopped drinking. Maybe it’s been over a month now. It certainly helps. Instead you allow yourself 10mg of edibles Friday night and you laugh like a hyena until your sides hurt then you sleep for 12 hours and man do you enjoy those nights.
You watch your diet closely. You can no longer work out (kids all the time, too tired when you don’t have them) and you’re worried about weight gain. A bowl of baked oatmeal with Bulgarian yogurt in the morning, baked sweet potato and beans for lunch, and vegetables and fish for dinner. Fruit for snacks if you must. It’s a manageable deficit.
The following thoughts bring you comfort: this is temporary; come summer you can sneak away for a real vacation; everyone is fine, growing; there is plenty of money. The following things bring you comfort: being wrapped up in your boyfriend’s arms; baby boy sitting on your lap (now he barely fits) while baby girl snuggles close; a nice bike ride; your extended family.
You watched a family member die recently and you thought it wasn’t all so bad, to die that way, surrounded by family, quietly. Quietly.
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classical_Liberal
- Posts: 2283
- Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:05 am
Re: Just Gravy
You're kicking ass B&G!
Dudette, I wish I could send come of my positive life vibes your way. Shit has been really good for me for awhile now, it's almost cliche in the sense that I don't appreciate it the way I should. I think the whole thing is kinda random. Your day will probably come, in the meantime, keep enjoying those things you listed that you love.
Take care
Dudette, I wish I could send come of my positive life vibes your way. Shit has been really good for me for awhile now, it's almost cliche in the sense that I don't appreciate it the way I should. I think the whole thing is kinda random. Your day will probably come, in the meantime, keep enjoying those things you listed that you love.
Take care
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Biscuits and Gravy
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm
Happy
@c_L Your vibes arrived. Thanks, dude.
Suo and I moved in together. Rented a house. It’s fantastic. He wakes up, discontent with X, and goes about fixing X. Then he mows our lawn. And I’m, like, left looking around, like… this man? Really? Not sure what I did, but I’ll fucking take it. Yeah, I’ll take it.
The village pulled through and gave us a lot for the house. People have a lot of stuff. A friend of my mom’s gave us this ridiculous toddler bouncy house and we’re on hour four of jumping, listening to The Wallflowers, and this is hands down the most fun I’ve had with the kids in a long while.
The space is good. Life is good. They both have pink eye, but whatever.
Suo and I moved in together. Rented a house. It’s fantastic. He wakes up, discontent with X, and goes about fixing X. Then he mows our lawn. And I’m, like, left looking around, like… this man? Really? Not sure what I did, but I’ll fucking take it. Yeah, I’ll take it.
The village pulled through and gave us a lot for the house. People have a lot of stuff. A friend of my mom’s gave us this ridiculous toddler bouncy house and we’re on hour four of jumping, listening to The Wallflowers, and this is hands down the most fun I’ve had with the kids in a long while.
The space is good. Life is good. They both have pink eye, but whatever.
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mooretrees
- Posts: 764
- Joined: Sun Jan 27, 2019 1:21 pm
Re: Just Gravy
Wooza! So exciting! I’m so pumped for you two!
Sorry about the pink eye, haven’t had that one (yet!).
Sorry about the pink eye, haven’t had that one (yet!).
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Biscuits and Gravy
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm
Re: Just Gravy
Yet indeed! Eh. Broken bones, asthma, pink eye. DS threw up all over our bathroom two nights ago then peaced out back to sleep and I was left mopping up chunky puke at 3 am, swearing to never give him grapes ever again, but this bouncy house kinda makes up for all of that horror. It’s getting better and better. I definitely didn’t enjoy infant—toddler, but little kids seem to be my jam.
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mooretrees
- Posts: 764
- Joined: Sun Jan 27, 2019 1:21 pm
Re: Just Gravy
Yah, infants are kinda boring I think. I like some interaction even if that means more chance of mess and chasing a little one on a slippery pool surface and falling, having my bathrobe open (an actual event in our local pool, and yep, I’d already taken my bathing suit off!
).
Every age seems to get better imo. Especially when they can aim while puking!
). Every age seems to get better imo. Especially when they can aim while puking!
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suomalainen
- Posts: 988
- Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm
Re: Just Gravy
Counterpoint: teenagers.
Although, there's some good things about that too, but then again, bigger kids = bigger problems. Seems to be counterpoints all the way down.
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Biscuits and Gravy
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm
I’m 14 and this is deep
“I did the best I could, I guess, but everything just bleeds.”
Initially I couldn’t withstand these nights alone; now I relish them.
I’m up to much these days. Been making a house, cultivating relationships, raising some rambunctious offspring, enduring processes, and maxing out my TSP, among other things. DS’s 4th birthday is upon us, and I’m unabashedly going full suburban mom. I didn’t like these things before, but for his 3rd birthday there was the moment when he was surrounded by all of his (massive) family and we started singing happy birthday and you could SEE the recognition of “this is all for me! I’m special!” douse his little face, and fuck it, I’m hooked. No, he’s not special, he’s just another monkey, but, man, that look.
It’s funny, being a mom and a partner. So much worth, pride, and satisfaction drawn from servicing others. I’m especially glad for these nights alone because they provide an insight for what my life would be sans others. It’s tolerable and enjoyable, but not preferable. Mostly I wind up prodding and indulging some hidden corner of myself, which is way more fun and satisfactory with my partner.
I’ve run into some parenting bumps, and that’s good. Babies simply need you to keep them alive, but these preschoolers require direction and tutelage, and that transition has been hard for me. I either treat them like babies or adults, and neither is appropriate or helpful, so I’m struggling to generate the “correct” behavior. Due to some malignant stars and our personalities aligning, I’m freakishly codependent with my son, and that needs to come to an abrupt and definite end, for his wellbeing and mine. I genuinely like my daughter, but she’s what the Chinese would call 聪明. She’s sly, clever, and while innocent and amusing now, I’m certain it will be damaging in the future. I understand now why people choose to raise their kids in religion.
I’ve also run into some partner bumps, which is great. Suo is a wonderful partner, and I respect and admire his clear delineations. Growth in intimate relationships can be unsettling and uncomfortable. Suo certainly “has himself in his own power,” which at different times can be admirable or challenging.
Initially I couldn’t withstand these nights alone; now I relish them.
I’m up to much these days. Been making a house, cultivating relationships, raising some rambunctious offspring, enduring processes, and maxing out my TSP, among other things. DS’s 4th birthday is upon us, and I’m unabashedly going full suburban mom. I didn’t like these things before, but for his 3rd birthday there was the moment when he was surrounded by all of his (massive) family and we started singing happy birthday and you could SEE the recognition of “this is all for me! I’m special!” douse his little face, and fuck it, I’m hooked. No, he’s not special, he’s just another monkey, but, man, that look.
It’s funny, being a mom and a partner. So much worth, pride, and satisfaction drawn from servicing others. I’m especially glad for these nights alone because they provide an insight for what my life would be sans others. It’s tolerable and enjoyable, but not preferable. Mostly I wind up prodding and indulging some hidden corner of myself, which is way more fun and satisfactory with my partner.
I’ve run into some parenting bumps, and that’s good. Babies simply need you to keep them alive, but these preschoolers require direction and tutelage, and that transition has been hard for me. I either treat them like babies or adults, and neither is appropriate or helpful, so I’m struggling to generate the “correct” behavior. Due to some malignant stars and our personalities aligning, I’m freakishly codependent with my son, and that needs to come to an abrupt and definite end, for his wellbeing and mine. I genuinely like my daughter, but she’s what the Chinese would call 聪明. She’s sly, clever, and while innocent and amusing now, I’m certain it will be damaging in the future. I understand now why people choose to raise their kids in religion.
I’ve also run into some partner bumps, which is great. Suo is a wonderful partner, and I respect and admire his clear delineations. Growth in intimate relationships can be unsettling and uncomfortable. Suo certainly “has himself in his own power,” which at different times can be admirable or challenging.
Last edited by Biscuits and Gravy on Wed Jun 14, 2023 1:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Biscuits and Gravy
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm
The Kissing Hand
I Won’t Let You Go by Rabindranath Tagore“I won’t let you go,” to hear you assert
Love’s claim with such intensity!
And yet I feel the world smiling wryly
As it takes me away from my family.
…
Of course, we must go. And this is how it has been,
From time immemorial. Since creation’s currents
Began streaming relentlessly towards extinction’s sea
With burning eyes and outstretched arms
We’ve all been crying out in vain endlessly,
“Won’t let go, won’t let you go!”
Filling earth’s shores with laments
As everything ebbs inexorably away.
He grabbed my hand and planted a small kiss on my palm. I reached out to do the same. “I don’t need one, Mommy.” And he turned away and scampered back inside.
The oft-evoked mantra of “let go.” Enduring wisdom every man acquires in a myriad of ways. He is growing, will grow, and I know, yet again, a mother’s pain.
I thought I was exhausted of caretaking. I even sometimes give the stray cat I feed the finger when she’s meowing incessantly at my back door. But the kids and I have been growing random fruits and vegetables in containers and I’ve enjoyed it so much that I built a 4’ x 4’ raised bed in the backyard. Now we’re growing (or trying to grow) tomatoes, yellow squash, pumpkin, zucchini, lettuce, cucumber, okra, watermelon, goji berries, and cantaloupe. How I want to nurture those new, bright green plants popping out of the soil. Every little two-leafed wonder a testament to life’s goodness and tenacity.
Net worth: $150,360
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Biscuits and Gravy
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm
Re: Just Gravy
Health/Age/Beauty
I've had three women tell me I need to start getting Botox. "Everyone our/your age does it!" I'm 35 and every now and then I look over my shoulder, detached and amused, as the hill of my physical prime slowly recedes. Yeah, I was pretty, maybe even hot. Yeah, here comes a different season. Maybe one day I'll get to be the ugliest, wrinkliest, most sun-damaged used-up bag in the nursing home, cackling to myself as I do my large-piece, cats-wearing-mittens jigsaw puzzle. My grandkids will gawk at the prominent 5' x 7' oil painting reproduction of me, in the final bloom of my youth, gazing up, small-waisted and starry-eyed in love at Suo, and they'll squawk, "Grammaw, you used to be so beautiful!" as I stroke my wispy beard and remember all of the steamy nights.
Between January and April I gained weight, and quickly. I went from 132 to 145 and now, after some dietary modifications, I'm down to 137. I guess it's because I've been too busy/exhausted to work out and yet I kept eating donuts and drinking beer. Go figure. I rode over 1,000 miles on the bike in 2022; this year I haven't even broken 100. Woe is me. My boss said he's going to take two months off soon, so hopefully that will give me the breathing room I need to start working out again. Heh. Lookit that. My health tied into my employment. I've learned nothing here, apparently.
Kids
The pediatrician recommended speech and behavioral therapy for DS4. Behavioral therapy has been laughable. "Play therapy" consisted of DS4 playing with a bunch of toys and his dad and me awkwardly interacting with him as a therapist "observed." He undeniably has ADHD. This is his brain, his genetic makeup, and, ultimately, his burden. I'll do my best to be the parent he needs, but what is that gonna make, a 1-5% difference in his outcome? It's all, as always, an exercise in letting go. This world isn't designed for people like him, and eventually he'll have to navigate all of this [gestures broadly] on his own. I come from a long line of "you're [pick any age between 13 and 18], so good luck and get the fuck out"s, so we'll see how that goes.
And if I may selfishly redirect here for a moment. DS4 is a stunning replica of his dad, which engenders some difficult feelings:(1) the compounded guilt from being consistently uneducated about and dismissive of my ex's ADHD; (2) the anxiety about DS4 having a similar teenage experience as his dad; and (3) the anger at my past self. Sprinkle into that these... surreal moments of interacting with the child-version of my ex. He's got this... patentable mixture of sweetness/aggression that hits me in the face (sometimes literally!).
DD5 starts kindergarten soon and she is ready. She definitely takes after me. I call her "perfect"; Suo calls her "mercurial." She has this thing about dressing herself, I dunno. Telling her to change her outfit is like telling the earth to stop turning.
I read Deep River by Karl Marlantes (highly recommend) recently, in which there is the line, "She knew no help would be coming," and it is a cornerstone of one of his character's, well, character. Due to that, she develops into a self-sufficient, strong woman full of grit. I've been pondering this in relation to how I raise my kids. They are coddled and I am doing them no favors. How can I kick them out at 18 when I have done next to nothing to prepare them? So, I must reorient myself to the goal: self-sufficient, strong, competent adults. Gotta learn how to balance that with the obligation I feel for their lives.
Work
It ain't fun and my boss has been redlining me, but I still like him. I'm hopeful I'll have the next 2-3 months off, which will be [angels harmonizing].
Finances
I set up Minor Savings Accounts for my kids and I automated a slow trickle of dollar dollar bills to them so they'll have $10k each by the time they're 18. My thinking now is it'll be their starter fund for some school or an apartment for a year, but we'll see what their maturity levels are like as they get closer (control switches to them at 16). I might even make disbursement contingent upon them proving they have mastered basic life skills: Run a load of laundry! Follow a recipe! Change a tire! Avoid a codependent relationship! Neutralize a ragin' cajun! Etc.
I took out a $500k term life insurance policy and made my ex the beneficiary. He'd be up shit creek without a paddle if I died, and that's not right. I informed him of the potential windfall and beseeched him to hire a proper hitman if he feels so inclined.
Other
My friend is having a health scare. My dad finally reinitiated contact with my sisters and me. I'm leaving for a lovely vacation with Suo in two~ days~
I've had three women tell me I need to start getting Botox. "Everyone our/your age does it!" I'm 35 and every now and then I look over my shoulder, detached and amused, as the hill of my physical prime slowly recedes. Yeah, I was pretty, maybe even hot. Yeah, here comes a different season. Maybe one day I'll get to be the ugliest, wrinkliest, most sun-damaged used-up bag in the nursing home, cackling to myself as I do my large-piece, cats-wearing-mittens jigsaw puzzle. My grandkids will gawk at the prominent 5' x 7' oil painting reproduction of me, in the final bloom of my youth, gazing up, small-waisted and starry-eyed in love at Suo, and they'll squawk, "Grammaw, you used to be so beautiful!" as I stroke my wispy beard and remember all of the steamy nights.
Between January and April I gained weight, and quickly. I went from 132 to 145 and now, after some dietary modifications, I'm down to 137. I guess it's because I've been too busy/exhausted to work out and yet I kept eating donuts and drinking beer. Go figure. I rode over 1,000 miles on the bike in 2022; this year I haven't even broken 100. Woe is me. My boss said he's going to take two months off soon, so hopefully that will give me the breathing room I need to start working out again. Heh. Lookit that. My health tied into my employment. I've learned nothing here, apparently.
Kids
The pediatrician recommended speech and behavioral therapy for DS4. Behavioral therapy has been laughable. "Play therapy" consisted of DS4 playing with a bunch of toys and his dad and me awkwardly interacting with him as a therapist "observed." He undeniably has ADHD. This is his brain, his genetic makeup, and, ultimately, his burden. I'll do my best to be the parent he needs, but what is that gonna make, a 1-5% difference in his outcome? It's all, as always, an exercise in letting go. This world isn't designed for people like him, and eventually he'll have to navigate all of this [gestures broadly] on his own. I come from a long line of "you're [pick any age between 13 and 18], so good luck and get the fuck out"s, so we'll see how that goes.
And if I may selfishly redirect here for a moment. DS4 is a stunning replica of his dad, which engenders some difficult feelings:(1) the compounded guilt from being consistently uneducated about and dismissive of my ex's ADHD; (2) the anxiety about DS4 having a similar teenage experience as his dad; and (3) the anger at my past self. Sprinkle into that these... surreal moments of interacting with the child-version of my ex. He's got this... patentable mixture of sweetness/aggression that hits me in the face (sometimes literally!).
DD5 starts kindergarten soon and she is ready. She definitely takes after me. I call her "perfect"; Suo calls her "mercurial." She has this thing about dressing herself, I dunno. Telling her to change her outfit is like telling the earth to stop turning.
I read Deep River by Karl Marlantes (highly recommend) recently, in which there is the line, "She knew no help would be coming," and it is a cornerstone of one of his character's, well, character. Due to that, she develops into a self-sufficient, strong woman full of grit. I've been pondering this in relation to how I raise my kids. They are coddled and I am doing them no favors. How can I kick them out at 18 when I have done next to nothing to prepare them? So, I must reorient myself to the goal: self-sufficient, strong, competent adults. Gotta learn how to balance that with the obligation I feel for their lives.
Work
It ain't fun and my boss has been redlining me, but I still like him. I'm hopeful I'll have the next 2-3 months off, which will be [angels harmonizing].
Finances
I set up Minor Savings Accounts for my kids and I automated a slow trickle of dollar dollar bills to them so they'll have $10k each by the time they're 18. My thinking now is it'll be their starter fund for some school or an apartment for a year, but we'll see what their maturity levels are like as they get closer (control switches to them at 16). I might even make disbursement contingent upon them proving they have mastered basic life skills: Run a load of laundry! Follow a recipe! Change a tire! Avoid a codependent relationship! Neutralize a ragin' cajun! Etc.
I took out a $500k term life insurance policy and made my ex the beneficiary. He'd be up shit creek without a paddle if I died, and that's not right. I informed him of the potential windfall and beseeched him to hire a proper hitman if he feels so inclined.
Other
My friend is having a health scare. My dad finally reinitiated contact with my sisters and me. I'm leaving for a lovely vacation with Suo in two~ days~
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bostonimproper
- Posts: 581
- Joined: Sun Jul 01, 2018 11:45 am
Re: Just Gravy
How rude! I don’t understand the nerve of people who suggest cosmetic procedures, plastic surgery, and the like to others. Like, do you think you’re helping, is this a not so subtle jab, or are you just obliviously wrapped up in your own aesthetic insecurities that it just spills out everywhere you go?Biscuits and Gravy wrote: ↑Wed Jul 05, 2023 4:34 pmI've had three women tell me I need to start getting Botox.
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Biscuits and Gravy
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm
Re: Just Gravy
Yeah, my impression was they thought they were sharing a totally reasonable beauty tip with me, such as “hey, you should get a moisturizer with SPF.” Maybe it’s just way more common than I thought.
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2Birds1Stone
- Posts: 1610
- Joined: Thu Nov 19, 2015 11:20 am
- Location: Earth
Re: Just Gravy
Extremely common, on both sides of the Atlantic, at least for 35+ y/o with middle class or upper middle class income/spending. Apparently it's blown up in the past few years. I think it looks funny, especially when the rest of you looks like a raison.Biscuits and Gravy wrote: ↑Wed Jul 05, 2023 10:10 pmMaybe it’s just way more common than I thought.
I had an interview with a VP a few years ago who looked like a doll with just lips moving, completely expressionless due to the amount of Botox in her face. It was scary, but I got the job
.....thankfully over a Zoom call.Re: Just Gravy
maybe the local botox place was running one of those vpn deals, "refer a friend, get one month off"
Re: Just Gravy
More likely a bad major lift than Botox. A good cosmetic procedure is like a good AI bot; virtually undetectable. If somebody goes in and requests "I want to look 20 years younger." vs. "Can you reduce the appearance of this one strong vertical line between my brows." It's very analogous to old house restoration, IMO. Sometimes you might want to shore things up just a bit, but other times you might choose to strip more away. A few injections of Botox won't forever alter your appearance, but they may serve to "erase" the effects of all the occasions you found yourself frowning while in the company of your previous husband.2Birds1Stone wrote:looked like a doll with just lips moving, completely expressionless
Re: Just Gravy
Your friends are evidence that this crazy study is correctBiscuits and Gravy wrote: ↑Wed Jul 05, 2023 10:10 pmYeah, my impression was they thought they were sharing a totally reasonable beauty tip with me, such as “hey, you should get a moisturizer with SPF.” Maybe it’s just way more common than I thought.
https://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/19/fash ... -says.html
Interestingly, the makers of Botox recently replicated the findings using fMRI brain scans and publicized the results. They seem to consider the deadening of empathy a feature, not a bug.No, Botox injections don’t zap brain cells. (At least not so far as we know.) According to a new study .... people who have had Botox injections are physically unable to mimic emotions of others. This failure to mirror the faces of those they are watching or talking to robs them of the ability to understand what people are feeling, the study says.
https://unherd.com/thepost/has-botox-ki ... empathise/
Re: Just Gravy
It amazes me that there is a somatic layer to empathy -- that without the ability to physically mirror expressions, one's empathy suffers
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Biscuits and Gravy
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm
Re: Just Gravy
@Ego What interesting findings, thanks for sharing!
@ertyu Maybe they were running a special! One of the women told me her aesthetician took a picture of her face and then ran it through a simulation: “if you don’t get Botox, this is what you’ll look like in 30-40 years.” That scare tactic worked well on her.
I dunno, to each their own, but I have always felt uneasy looking at plasticized faces (maybe because of the apparent empathy deficiency?), and it’s more effort and money than I’m willing to spend on my beauty, which doesn’t belong to me in the first instance. And it’s interesting to observe my body change.
@ertyu Maybe they were running a special! One of the women told me her aesthetician took a picture of her face and then ran it through a simulation: “if you don’t get Botox, this is what you’ll look like in 30-40 years.” That scare tactic worked well on her.
I dunno, to each their own, but I have always felt uneasy looking at plasticized faces (maybe because of the apparent empathy deficiency?), and it’s more effort and money than I’m willing to spend on my beauty, which doesn’t belong to me in the first instance. And it’s interesting to observe my body change.
Re: Just Gravy
I doubt Botox actually has that effect, but I think most women of an age to try Botox are likely due a bit of an empathy vacation also, "the smooth brow of serene indifference to the problems of others", yup, that would be a genius marketing pitch.