Just Gravy

[Biscuits and Gravy]

For fuck's sake, that reading list makes me want to put my head in the oven.

Haha, yeah, I read bleak stuff. It helps me keep a healthy perspective when the kids are driving me nuts. Right now I’m re-reading Redwall, though. My dad had kept all of my childhood books, so I pilfered most of them when I went to his house. Also some bleak shit in there! Teenage Gravy loved her some Dostoyevsky and Plath. Looking back, I’m shocked my parents didn’t chuck me into therapy as soon as I brought Neitzche to the dinner table. I guess those good Midwesterners had no idea what the fuck I was reading.

[chenda]

@Biscuits - You might like 'All for Nothing' by Walter Kempowski, about a wealthy Prussian family in 1945 who seal themselves away as the red army inch ever closer to their remote estate. One of the best books I have ever read.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

@chenda Oh hell yes, that sounds bleak as all get out. [adds to list]

[Biscuits and Gravy]

I hit the wall, I think. I've hit it a few times before, but this is different. I cry randomly. Have panic attacks. Dread everything, constantly. My legs feel leaden. I snipe at my loved ones.

Initially I felt so hopeful and optimistic asking my boss about going part time, but he's made it clear with his passive aggressive comments and actions that it's not what he wants. Even my coworkers treat me like I'm no longer part of the team, just because I asked to go part time. We've only interviewed one person for the half-position that my half-leaving would open up, and they were a great fit but we're not hiring them "because." It's definitely not the sunshine and rainbows for which I was hoping, and I think the two options I'm left with are: (1) go part time anyway and endure a toxic work environment for as long as I can and hope it gets better; or (2) quit, take 6 months off, then find another legal job, which wouldn't be difficult with my resume.

I dunno. I started therapy up again and she was like "girl, just take a day to do nothing, and I mean NOTHING" so I did that today and it kinda feels good, but it's foreign. And I get the kids in two hours so :/ fail and I gotta get groceries before I get them so :/ :/ double fail.

Anyway. Just chronicling my attempt to go part time. Maybe it's just not doable in the legal world. Everyone looks down on you. HR literally told me that I should just stay home with my kids because "raising kids is the most important thing a woman can do" and it just makes me want to scream at the world. Okay, if that's what you think, then give me a giant severance so I can go do the necessary societal good of raising good kids, you fucking dicks.

[chenda]

(2) quit, take 6 months off, then find another legal job, which wouldn't be difficult with my resume.

I'd seriously consider this biscuits. You can't quit a bad job with a bunch of dicks too soon. Maybe you could work freelance as well ?

[7Wannabe5]

I don't know if this will be helpful, but my note would be that you will likely never again find yourself in a phase of life that is more overwhelming than the one you are in now, unless you someday choose to martyr yourself without boundary to a full-time career that also requires "Mom" skills such as teaching low-income kids who come to school with no socks or coat in January OR (cheerful thought) you find yourself simultaneously raising your own grandkids, caring for multiple decrepit seniors, and running a non-profit (this happened to one of my poly-partners who is too much of an NFP sweetheart, turning 70 this month and has never achieved "empty nest.")

What I did when I found myself in your situation, and also in terrible shape from my 3 donut/day powered 1 hour commute through deer country, and with less than fully-supportive husband (understatement here) was that I started my own business. I was so desperate I somehow made the time to start the business on top of the job, commute, old house, cranky husband, kids, and depressing donut chub. I quit my job about 3 months later, but it took me another 5 years to quit the cranky first husband, so you're ahead of the game!

[Biscuits and Gravy]

@chenda I dunno. Probably the more mature approach is to take a week or two off work and see if that gives me enough juice to chug on for another two and a half years until I hit that date of creditable service so it triggers me getting my annuity at 57 instead of 62. Ugh. Being responsible.

you will likely never again find yourself in a phase of life that is more overwhelming than the one you are in now

That actually is a really helpful comment, thank you. It’s heartening to know that this is the worst and I’ve managed the worst for 7 years! Whoo Gravy! I was at a work assembly the other day, staring at my coworker next to me, with her perfectly coifed hair and flawless makeup and I *know* that woman has three kids and she caught me staring and I asked how in the fuck she handles all of this and she said “I don’t know. And my husband doesn’t do any of the caretaking. At least my kids are older now.” I am giving myself heavy kudos for lasting seven years, but that woman… I mean, her hair looked so good! And she wasn’t crying. HOW?! Pulling out of the elementary school drop off lane one morning, the mom in the car next to me lit a cigarette and took a long drag and I have never wanted a cigarette more in my life.

simultaneously raising your own grandkids

Oh hell to the no.

I have some depressing donut chub right now, too. Feels weird and most of my clothes don’t fit. Sigh.

ETA: And yeah, I now have the best husband of all time. If I could redo my life, I would just want to be that man’s wife.

[7Wannabe5]

perfectly coifed hair and flawless makeup

Well, those whom I refer to as the "Ballet Moms" because most frequently encountered when taking my daughter to ballet class, often also possessed the skill of terrifying those around them into abject submission. Or there is also the sort of typically larger and somewhat more jolly woman whom you might see wearing a t-shirt that says "If Mama Ain't Happy Ain't Nobody Happy" at an extended family bar-b-que. The rest of us have to work at creating and maintaining the boundaries.

[urgud]

This, THIS, is what makes ERE/FIRE worth the while. Enough with the humiliations, degradations, endless slights big and small. Fuck your boss, fuck the job.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Fuck your boss, fuck the job.

Haha, I love the enthusiasm, but I’m guessing you don’t have dependents. Sigh, that’s the life, man! Live the dream for me.

[Chris]

Even my cow-orkers treat me like I'm no longer part of the team, just because I asked to go part time.

After a while, things might change. You're the first person to attempt this, and others on the team might be sore that they aren't in a position to take a pay cut. Your asking for a change in schedule is a form of negotiation, and many bosses don't like that because so few people do it. If they're not dictating, they feel like they might be losing. But after a couple months, things might smooth out and return to how things were before. You get your work done reliably, and the days you're not in the office, you're just WFH... minus the W.

And if your boss hires someone else to do your other 50%, who knows, maybe they decide to make that new person full-time, and you can get yourself laid off with a severance (the dream!).

[mooretrees]

What a shit show! But, I would be curious how everything would shake out once it became the “normal” thing that you worked part time. Like maybe the office just needs some fresh drama to take the attention off of you? Is there some drunken office party with the potential for embarrassment coming soon? Some awkward bbq for Memorial Day that will cause all the haters to focus their laser stares on the unfortunate coworker who got drunk and fell into the pool fully clothed?

Remember, once you are part time, you only have to deal with the passive aggressive bs PART TIME!

I hope it gets easier. Like 7w5 says, this is the roughest time as a parent. I work part time, have a stay at home dad and STILL feel overwhelmed with my life. Wtf!?