Just Gravy

[mooretrees]

Credit to a surfeit of unbelievable sex.

Niiiiice.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Jan. SR 35%
NW: Nosedive to $126,830 (Dat market got me sweatin' like a sinner in church, y'all. Whoo! Crazy.)

Work: I never talk about my job. That's because I like it. I had a personal win at the office this month, however, that I'd like to note. I work in a small team with intelligent, capable people and our work gets done and it gets done well (the credit for this goes to my wonderful boss, who is an effective and reasonable manager). Once a year or so, we get an intern. I hate interns. I politely ignore them and never involve them in my work. Last week, my boss told me to use the intern on a project. I know he saw the look on my face, so he repeated the directive. My boss, I suspect, knows me better than I know myself. He hired me for a certain position, realized I was absolute shit at that position, and for the last few years has used me effectively in a way that works for both of us. He buys me bagels sometimes, too, thus cementing my eternal loyalty.

Why do I hate interns? Other than their dumb, eager faces and 4.0-riddled resumes? The answer is twofold: 1) they disrupt the workflow; and 2) I dislike explaining things. When I worked at the law firm, I managed a team of four people, and that was an especially draining experience for me. Whenever something came up my team members couldn't do, I grabbed the fishing pole and told them to fuck off. Needless to say, I burnt out real quick. Anyway, the intern (hereinafter, "Intern"). When it came time to involve Intern in the project, I really surprised myself by easily painting a broad view of the project in non-legalese, explaining the pertinent unfamiliar terms, and providing a clear directive of precisely what our boss wanted. I stood back, impressed with myself after my 20-minute monologue, and waited for Intern to gimme a big grin and thumbs up. Instead, I got, "uhhh, so what am I supposed to do?" Fuck. Another patient 10-minute monologue. Got it? Ok. Great. I'ma be right over there if you have any questions.

Anyway, it's yet to be seen if what I said was properly digested, but my win is that I was able to speak confidently, clearly, and with authority to an outsider. Historically, that's been very difficult for me, and I feel that this particular episode is yet another manifestation of my personal growth.

I've made an exhausting amount of growth over the last two years and I feel myself coming down from the dizzying hurricane of unshackling myself from a codependent relationship, learning what differentiation is and how to do it, and recognizing and letting go of my outsized anxieties. Throw on top of that becoming and learning how to mom, and I am ready for a break. I'm good with where I'm at now and I want to enjoy this moment, this me. Even my therapist mumbled something like, "oh, but maybe you're not ready for that" when she touched on some distant-I-dgaf-whatever-growth and she's likely right. Like, I see Death Mountain on the horizon and it's definitely intriguing, but for now I think I'm gonna chill and enjoy slapping the carrots out of Epona as I tool around Hyrule Field. Besides, I don't even have the right ocarina song yet, so fuck it. Day at a time for now. Let me enjoy my kids, my health, my wonderful (oh god so sexy and handsome) BF, and every day as it comes.

Other numbers:
Jan. Biking: 85 miles (wanted 100)
Jan. Sobriety Streak: 17 days
Weight: Hah. My therapist was strangely unsupportive of my sobriety and kept asking me "but what did you replace it with?" And the answer is fistful after fistful of Cool Ranch Doritos.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Just gonna ramble about biking.

First, I think I’m in love with other cyclists. They look so fuggin cool. Blowing past me in their aerodynamic lycra, their calves like mini-boulders and their attitude like, “Yeah. So?”

Second, my plan was to get a bike with gears after I got over 1,000 miles on my $300 single speed, but eff that I feel so cool on my single speed, catching up to dudes panting up hills on their 65-speed $X,000 bikeMercedes, and I be like, “Yeah. So?” If I ever do get a geared bike it’ll be like Goku halfway through a fight, his ass gettin’ kicked all over the place, then he says “you’re good” and takes off his weighted inner shirt and when it drops it leaves a crater in the ground BOOM.

Third, DS2 and I rode our bikes around the parking lot and he literally toppled over in awe that I could stand up on my bike and drop down off of a curb. It was adorable. “How you do that, Mommeee?!” It’s easy, baby. You just don your mirrored sunglasses like so, nonchalantly pedal, and drop with style. Mama show you.

[suomalainen]

If I ever do get a geared bike it’ll be like Goku halfway through a fight, his ass gettin’ kicked all over the place, then he says “you’re good” and takes off his weighted inner shirt and when it drops it leaves a crater in the ground BOOM.

W. T. F.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Wut. I have Super Saiyan fantasies. Dealbreaker? Oh, I also have two kids.

[suomalainen]

Had to google that (again). No wonder you're so into me. Super Saiyan looks like a Finnish god. Reminds me of someone ...

[mooretrees]

Get a room you two!!!

[classical_Liberal]

Dude, F'en biking is the best!

The first thing I did when I got down to winter-paradise-land was by a POS single speed cruiser for like $100. I forgot how hard it is on those things! Especially in traffic on streets! Damn, I used to kick ass back when something similar was my main ride at home.

The plan was to ride it, then give it to some kid on the street before I leave, but I've put on sooo many miles I feel like I need to give it a tune up before I give it away.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

@c_L Please tell me how giving away your bike to some kid on the street goes. Pleeeease let it be awkward.
@mooretrees [gratuitously loud make out sounds]
@Suo ugh just take me

Feb. Savings Rate: 9%. I got a raise that I don't feel like I deserve and so I just threw money at people I found more deserving. The ladies that wipe my kids' asses for $10/hour? Yeah, they all got bonuses this month. My friend who's 13 year-old passed away from cancer? Yeah, money. Just take it. What am I doing with it.
Net worth: I'm not sure how to factor in all of the things that really matter into this number, so I'm going to leave it. Numerically lower, because markets. Also lower, because age. But higher, because:

DS2 unintentionally bloodied my nose the other day during nap time. He slid down my legs and headbutted me in the nose and I gushed blood everywhere. Washing the sheets as we speak. I did not handle it well. You broke my nose!! AGH! You BROKE my NOSE!! standing in the bathroom, washing the blood off my hands and face, staring daggers at a cheerfully ignorant toddler. Needless to say nap time was a failure that day.

My ex-husband is dating and he wants to introduce her to the kids. I feel happy for him. I think certain forms of growth only happen in relation to other people, and I hope him and his new partner are a good fit and she genuinely clicks with and adores our children. More loving, supportive people in my children's lives is a good thing.

I attended my first wedding since the divorce. Of course, it was emotional for me. I wish I could've been this person with my ex-husband. I wish I could've been me with my ex-husband. I wish we spoke the same language and saw the world in the same colors, but we do not. I wish I had had the balls to say such 3, 5, 10, 15 years ago, but I did not.

I am getting more of what I want in my life. I am taking less of what I don't want in my life. These privileges come with time, money, and understanding. When I open my door, I take into the world patience, understanding, and forgiveness. I respect the human experience. Even on easy mode, the hills are high, and I see the people around me struggling, giving up, doing their best, cursing it, killing it. It just is. There is no why. What else are we going to do but live.

So I think, in the aggregate, my net worth is higher this month.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

I mentioned that my daughter was hospitalized in December. I finally received the Explanation of Benefits (EOB) from my health insurance provider (BCBS). One full day in the ER and three days in PICU came to $34,019.60, of which BCBS "allowed" for $21,432.35. I chose a plan that caps my exposure to all emergency care and hospitalizations at $175, and boy howdy am I glad I chose that instead of a plan that requires me to pay 10 to 20% of the total cost. I added up the other EOBs from December, and in total BCBS was billed over $41,000 for this tiny, 35-pound 4 year old. Baby girl is now on maintenance medication at $35/month, and sans insurance that would be over $200. Combined, my employer and I pay $20,446.92 annually to BCBS to cover myself and my two children. Just thought I'd throw these numbers out there for the non-Americans on the forum. Factoring in health insurance and unexpected medical costs is a doozy in America.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Texas spring is here. Clusters of bluebonnets crowd the bayous, highways, and parks. DS shouts “blue-bon-bons!” whenever he sees them and squeaks, incredulously, “What?! Them are still here?!” Bluebonnets are how I taught DD the word “rare.”

I reflect on my marriage every day. Two unaware children making an adult commitment. We loved each other, and wouldn’t that be enough? We’d figure it all out down the road, right? Come what may. I ignored our multiple barriers to communication: my immaturity, his immaturity, his tendency to yell and get defensive, my tendency to withdraw and withhold, our mutual lack of vocabulary and comprehension of practices vital to the success of a long-term, intimate relationship. There were so many failures and misunderstandings and aborted opportunities for growth. I am so sorry.

DD had another severe asthma attack this month. I felt so silly stuffing markers and coloring books in my hospital go bag. She may die. Why care if she's entertained? We managed to keep her out of the hospital. Emergency steroid shot. Emergency inhaler every 2 hours. She survived. I survived. I can think about the next hill. I lost my shit a few times, cried, sat, hopeless and afraid and weeping, then kept moving. It's easy for me to recover my equilibrium now. Hydrate, exercise, eat well, connect, submit. I found my equation.

My savings rate for March was 64%. I'm a little embarrassed to post it, but my income was over $13,000 this month. Three paycheck month + IRS refund + credit from my Dependent Care Reimbursable Account. I'll be a good soldier and max my IRA contributions for the year.

I feel relieved and amused the markets have seemingly recovered. The best knife I caught was NVDA, with a 21% gain. Bloodiest knife was GBTC, with a 25% loss. My brokerage is still up 12%, but the cocktail in my IRA is a 37% gain. Cocktail is as follows: T, AAPL, ADP, BRK/B, BA, CTAS, LLY, RTX, ULTA, and DIS. I buy into it regardless of the market's temper and plan to use it for the kids' college expenses. I may jettison T soon, however.

[MBBboy]

Texas spring really is beautiful. I remember when my wife first visited Texas and was blown away by how much vegetation and greenery there is - like many others, her assumption was that all of Texas looked like West Texas.

Glad you got through the asthma attack. The idea of a hospital go bag is something I'm going to ponder - I imagine it will look way different than a general emergency one, probably a lot closer to the go-bag we have now to prep for baby time in a few weeks.

Why would you be embarrassed by income? Income is a good thing! The amount of time you spend earning it may or may not be a good thing, but making a lot of money isn't something to feel bad about.

Edit: Grammar

[Biscuits and Gravy]

I’m embarrassed by the high income because, as you noted in your journal, most people on the forum would have a 95%+ savings rate with that inflow. My expenses are still very high and my income robustness score is shit. Is what it is for now; I’m still recovering from the divorce and figuring out what exactly my kids and I “need.” I also spend relatively little time/effort making that money.

Hospital go bag depends on age of your kid and severity of crisis, I guess. PICU gave us snacks, games, diapers, wipes, stuffed animals, and books while we were there, but I found I needed multiple changes of clothing, blankets, my kid’s comfort items, snacks my kid would actually eat, stuff to do her hair, and a cell phone charger. We had nothing when we showed up at the ER—she wasn’t even wearing pants or shoes. This is when it’s helpful to live close to family so they can bring you things while you sit next to a bed and do nothing but wait for doctors and good news.

Good luck with the birth of your baby. That’s an exciting time.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

My life has very little margin, so when things go off the rails (as they tend to do) I find it difficult to remain resilient. Crucial to resiliency is the filling of the cup, which is why I often repeat "exercise, hydrate, sleep, eat well, connect, submit" in this journal, because that is how I fill my cup, and I need to keep that at the forefront of my mind. If I want to function above baseline and keep nudging my baseline forward, those actions are consistently required.

I had the kids 18 days out of the last 24, and my cup was depleted by the end of it, and it was starting to show. Harmony evaporated from my household; there were more fights and timeouts and yelling. As there is a hierarchy of needs in life, there is also a hierarchy of needs in parenting:

____/ Harmony
___/ Emotional Connection
__/ Kindness, Consistency, Empathy
_/ Modeling & Clear Expectations
/ A full cup (self-care)

I'll also note that I did not fill my cup when I was married, which contributed to the dissolution. We were in a codependent relationship, which is kind of like abandoning your own cup for a shared cup, and not recognizing that you need your own cup in order to pour into that shared cup. So the shared cup is always empty, and you're both trying to draw from it.

In retrospect, it is not surprising at all that my marriage ended. We were not at all equipped to handle the stress of children. Without children, I don't know that our marriage would have ever ended, but I believe we never would have grown past who we were. Having children triggers intense introspection and self-awareness. Having two children 20 months apart landed me in simultaneous levels of hell: chronic sleep-deprivation hell, toddler hell, infant hell, breastfeeding hell, postpartum hell, and returning-to-full-time-work-after-12-weeks-of-maternity-leave hell. On top of that, I still managed our housework, yardwork, groceries, cooking, and finances.

It's no wonder I could boil the water for my ex-husband's morning cup of coffee using only my blazing resentment.

It's also no wonder that when we tried to "save" the marriage, it was already too late. The codependency had blossomed into abusive behavior; I had absolutely nothing left to give and no desire to give; suddenly our "funny" lopsided way of communicating (him: didactic, me: silent) was a neon-warning sign; and I had asked myself two questions that I couldn't un-ask: Is this the marriage I want my daughter to emulate? and What am I getting out of this relationship?*

*It took me 13 years to voice that question to myself, and at first I did so quietly and with immense guilt, because the programming to be a selfless wife is powerful.

So, the marriage that had already ended finally stopped. I've been wondering recently what marriage is all about. Mutual support? Connection? Love? Shared goals? Tradition? I suppose it's up to the individual and the couple to define it.

I do know that I'm happier now that I have my own cup and know how to fill it. I have more to give to the people I love and with whom I choose to share myself. As my sense of self-worth strengthens, my cup grows, and thus my resiliency. The mountains of today will one day be hills.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Baby girl got viral pink eye and generously shared it with me. In our house we often say, "sharing is caring." I am so thankful. Hers cleared up over the weekend so she could go to school, but my boss told me to stay away from the office so I've been childless and jobless for the last two days. My legs are sore from back-to-back bike rides (got a PR of 13+ mph average for Monday's ride!) and I bought myself a new lamp and puzzle and did all of the chores at an easy pace.

And now I'm just sitting here, puzzling, grinning like an idiot, thinking: I can be happy. I can take up space in my own life.

[mountainFrugal]

got a PR of 13+ mph average for Monday's ride!

Got after it!

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Apr. Savings Rate: 15%
May Savings Rate: 27%

Paltry excuses for savings rates, but hey you do this with two kids in daycare and one salary. I’d like to say my net worth dipped significantly because I took out $20k for blow and hookers, but, alas, it was all lost to market dips and I didn’t get to have any fun whatsoever.

Finances
Since my finances became my own I've noticed two things: 1) my ex spent an insane amount of money on food; and 2) I am far more generous with my money now. For 1, I was comparing my current budget with my budget from 4 years ago, and one month "we" spent $560 on restaurants in addition to $670 on groceries. These days I spend roughly $100/week on me and the kids (and Suo), and less than $50/month on eating out (usually at work).

Kids
It turns out my kids didn’t fall far from the tree; they’re assholes. I find myself wistfully imagining what it would be like if the human parent-child relationship was similar to that of other animals. There, you’re one year old and I taught you how to hunt a gazelle. Good luck. Don’t write. Or even better, we just bury an egg or 50 on a beach and walk away forever, never once pausing to wonder if our genetic material survived.

My kids are no longer babies which is fantastic because babies straight up suck, but now we’re in the “have to teach them right from wrong and discipline them” phase and I didn’t make that jump very well, mostly because I’m a very soft, soft-spoken person and I am a moral relativist. My parents used a highly effective combination of shame, guilt, and corporal punishment and while my sisters and I were certainly very well-behaved, we were not well-adjusted. I read No-Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel, MD and Tina Bryson, PhD two months ago and it clicked and now me and my ex are using that book as our approach. My dad, assuming he had the inclination to read even three pages of a parenting book, would label the book’s approaches as touchy-feely hippy-dippy bullshit, but they’re actually really effective and facilitate a harmonious, respectful home environment. The other night DD4 asked me what “spanking” is and that felt pretty good.

I really love my kids, but they are exhausting, and they still demand so much of me. It’s difficult to cycle through and wear all of my required hats: cook, maid, personal shopper, money-maker, nurse, discipliner, comforter, educator, financial planner, calendar-keeper, chauffeur, teeth-brusher, hair-doer, butt-wiper … Sometimes the hats don’t stack nicely, or I fling them off and stomp on them in a “isn’t my life my own?!” rage. It sucks. I wouldn’t recommend having kids.

Divorce/Ex
My divorce anniversary passed, and I didn’t even notice. I learned plenty from the dissolution of my marriage, including: 1) it is inadvisable to get married so young (< 30); 2) it is crucial to communicate needs and wants far in advance of any resentment/discontent building; 3) some people are oil and water (and that’s okay); 4) narratives deserve attention and cultivation; 5) separate finances is a good idea; 6) a spouse cannot and should not be expected to meet all of a person’s needs and wants--that shit needs to be distributed between the self, friends, family, and society; 7) inertia is powerful, as is the desire to make something work solely for the sake of making it work; 8) covert contracts are poison to a relationship; 9) my expectations for myself and my ex were far too high; and 10) I need to chill the fuck out.

What I can say about my ex now is that he’s a fine person, but we experience the world in radically different ways. We could split an apple and then ten minutes later he’d say, “that was a great banana” and maintain it was a banana until his dying breath, notwithstanding the apple core in the trashcan. And it made me feel crazy. I had started to wonder if it really had been a banana, or maybe apples really are bananas and I’ve been wrong my whole life.

When our marriage was falling apart and even up to six months after the divorce finalized, my ex used to complain about me “gaslighting” him. It’s a really popular term and I never felt like it applied because it has an insidious connotation. I think gaslighting requires evil intent, and evil intent demands energy, of which I have none, zero, it's all gone, the kids have sucked me dry. I have few and simple intents, none of which are “make my ex’s life suck more.” I think “gaslighting” is a simple and attractive term that is used in lieu of a deeper understanding of the dissonance two separate people can experience. It validates the accuser if they feel inclined to victimhood and puts the accused immediately on the defensive. It sets the stage for confrontation, not connection. Anyway, it always bothered me when he used that term, and the way I experience reality (hah) is simply that we experience reality so differently.

Work
It’s not called fun, that’s for sure.

Boyfriend
Dude could just be rummaging in the fridge, munching on a block of cheese, and I come around the corner and see him and my body and heart and soul and every single script in my head flatlines then resets with a chorus of “be with that man.” I dunno. I have a thing for this dude. He’s really something else.

Hobby
Someone put a 21-speed full suspension mountain bike by my apartment dumpster. It's not in good shape and needs new cables, tires, and chain, but I'm looking forward to putting it all back together and learning more about bikes. Bonus once I'm done I finally have a geared bike!

Anxiety
I have wasted far too much of my energy and time on worrying. Awhile back I had the thought that I am sick of having such boring thoughts like "are the kids gonna be okay" or "what should we have for dinner" again and again. I'm experimenting with letting go and being more in the moment. So far it's great. Way better than having kids. I recommend.

[Dave]

Anxiety
...I'm experimenting with letting go and being more in the moment. So far it's great.

Such a powerful action - just hard to remember in the important moments .

Good update! Life is tough, but you're doing well and I appreciate your sharing.

[suomalainen]

He’s really something else.

Hmmm. Sounds suspicious. Prolly after your TSP. Beware.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

@Dave Like Archilochus wrote, "We don't rise to the level of our expectations; we fall to the level of our training." And thanks for the support! Life is tough, and it's not gonna get any easier, but I'ma keep training and upping my baseline functioning across all levels.

@Suo Prenup, baby.