The Education of Axel Heyst

[AxelHeyst]

Time in deep nature is the best of all. Multiple days is the most restorative. I suspect that multiple months or years has the ability to completely transform someone.

The guy who was running the ecovillage thing in Scotland spent four years living in a forest in a tent mostly alone, after burning out on peace activist lifestyle. He says he thinks of his life as pre and post that experience. I've spent a lot of time in nature, but a lot of it has been casual, as in, uh yeah, this is just where I live. I think from time to time about ways to be more intentional about my time in it, because it's entirely possibly to suck the magic out of 'nature' by e.g. being glued to your phone. This is one of the drivers for my internet and tech minimalist experiments. I don't think I'd be so interested in them if I lived in a city. It feels like there's massive opportunity here for transformation and it makes farting around on the internet even more... pallid? (this is a dynamic that feels true for my life/what I'm doing, not as a generalization).


@dave related to your comments about solitude, back in february a friend invited me to some Umphrey's McGee shows, one right after the other. I happily agreed to one, and happily declined to attend the second. I knew I'd be burnt out on people from one night and not be able to fully experience the show. (I'm having deja vu... did I already say this?)

It looks like I'm going to be much more socially engaged over the next several months despite (or even because of, maybe) going bike touring. This also feels appropriate, although I'm paying close attention to my plans and trying to notice 'too much!' ahead of time.

[jacob]

I built a thing and put white gravel on the roof of my tiny studio because it's otherwise a giant solar thermal collector.

The earth quake safeties are off now?

[AxelHeyst]

The earth quake safeties are off now?

No they're still on. I installed the gusset plates (finally) and plan to install either diagonal support braces (similar to what code requires for mobile homes in CA, although I have some doubts about their specific proscriptive methods because they keep updating the code and mobile homes keep falling over in the next quake), flying buttresses that double as shade devices to improve thermal performance even better, or put big logs under the beams so if The Big One hits and the studio racks off the pillars it will slide harmlessly on rollers. This last is the only idea I have that I think would actually hold up to a serious quake (north of 7.0), but I am not a seismic engineer so ?.

The gravel is only a couple rocks thick, just enough so the sun can't reach the rubber, so it's not a lot of extra weight up top. Fewer lbs/sqft than another layer of plywood at a guess. Also if the studio starts whipping back and forth there'd be some sliding of the gravel so the weight might not even add to it.

[AxelHeyst]

Somewhat relatedly, insurance companies are starting to drop houses up here. I think the main reason is wildfires. Neighborhood talk is where to find home insurance that will still take places around here on. I think there's only one left, and some people are having trouble getting in with them even. I see either new outfits coming in that will take on high risk plans for people out here, and/or everyone accepting that they have to be 'self-insured'.

[AxelHeyst]

Cory Doctorow wrote a new book about, apparently, spreadsheets.

That’s the seductive power of the spreadsheet: it’s a tool for asking what if? With just a little training, anyone can use a spreadsheet to build a model of some real-world phenomenon, from an ecosystem to a convenience store, from a lemonade stand to a retirement savings plan.

Then, by tapping new numbers into those neat little boxes, you can change the model: what if I pay a little less here? What if I save a little more there? What if this number goes up? What if it goes down?

Change a box and all the numbers dance in their gridwork of faint gray lines, and the future is revealed, with a terrible and false precision. Terrible and false because the model is a model, it’s not the world, and each of those sharp figures and formulae obscures a fuzzy, squishy set of assumptions, guesses and elisions. The model can suggest, it can guide – but it cannot predict.

This is what made spreadsheets so science fictional. As we lose ourselves in a futuristic parable, it’s easy to forget the “parable” part and start to think we’re experiencing the future. To forget that sf writers have no more insight into what the future holds than any of us, and thank goodness, because if the future could be predicted, there’d be no reason to do anything or try anything.

The future is up for grabs. That’s the point of science fiction: not to predict the future, but to inspire it, or ward it off. To work out our present-day anxieties and aspirations on the page, to provide a virtual fly-through of the emotional experience of this technological arrangement or that.

Likewise, a spreadsheet can help inform guesses or inspire strategies, but woe betide the person who takes the spreadsheet for the future, the map for the territory. That’s how you come to believe that your Collateralized Debt Obligations are “fully hedged” and in no way likely to destroy the global economy.

[AxelHeyst]

### Money Stuff
Expenses: $776
ttmCOL: $7,445
ttmFU: 5.2x
ttmFull Stash: 18.9x

An expensive month for me, mostly due to buying kit for my travels. A bike saddle, DIY tarpshelter kit, a pair of pants, socks, etc. Also the gravel and lumber for my cool roof.

### I checked our water tank yesterday and it was at a quarter. wtf! I checked the equipment and found the inverter was dead, even though it had 12v coming in good to it. I suspected a blown internal fuse. I opened it up and found a large dead spider balled up in a corner on top of some components on the PCB that look very fried.

A spider blew up our inverter.

But this proves the beauty of tensegric thinking! *Because* I opted not to drop a 12v DC pump in our well (at great expense), we're able to just use our backup gasoline generator to pump the well while we fix/replace the inverter. If a spider had fried a component in a 12v-only system we wouldn't have the equipment required to pump our well.

### I'm circling in on a complete manuscript for the book. It's out now for the second (final?) distribution to advance readers for feedback. My plan is to shelve it while I'm biking around and then when I come back in September I'll have another look at it with fresh eyes, do final revisions and then do the work of getting it published (proofread, audiobook recorded, etc etc). So fall 2023 publish date.

### The adjustments I made to podcasting/video making workflow are going well, thank you to everyone for advice and encouragement on that front. I'm hoping to record and publish two more conversation episodes before I hit the road.

### Highlight of the month: mF and his DnearlyW stopped by for an overnight while I was housesitting for a neighbor. I'd only met mF briefly before to swap bikes, and hadn't met DnW yet. They are absolutely lovely people. My favorite memory from the visit has to be the morning. I came out to the deck overlooking the entire valley and they were both sitting already, DnW writing and mF sketching. I sat and journaled. We spoke a handful of words for 30-60 minutes as the sun rose over the mountains.

I think my conversation skills are a little rusty after the winter of solitude. Probably not in an obvious way, but I felt less adroit (more shy maybe?) at engaging and asking questions than I normally am.

### There's some kind of phase shift in my head afoot that I can sense but not articulate well. Elements involved include
.....the internalization of low spending practices (implying I have more cognitive bandwidth available to spend on figuring out what to *do* with my autonoomy)
.....buckets of solitude
.....the revelation that I've used other people's projects as a form of self-sabotage
.....a new systems check in my head that asks "Am I doing this because I want to, or because it's a good thing to do, or because I think I should?"
.....a more nuanced (and mature? hopefully?) perspective on selfishness, self-regard, self-absorption, self-awareness, boundaries, needs, wants, desires...
.....a more dispassionate perspective on The Predicament.

I probably need to flesh that last one out. I'm not saying that I'm caring less about The Predicament or am deciding to say well fuck it ima just party cuz yolo, but I am seeing how I used The Predicament as an excuse to huck myself at work/problems and more or less be a not very good human, take things very seriously, and fuel my self-destructive and ineffectualizing behavior patterns.

In one sense I feel very very lost, ungrounded, and uncertain about what I want, what my future looks like, what I *should* do and what I want to do... but not in a bad way. This sensation feels absolutely appropriate considering all the work I've been doing rooting around in my head and the work I've been doing to modify the external structure/logic/logistics of my life. I'd be disappointed if I *didn't* feel offbalanced and confused. So I feel confident and assured about my uncertainty and lostness, if that makes any sense. Normally anxiety/neuroticism accompanies lostness etc, but I feel very little anxiety. tl:dr this isn't something to fix.

[AnalyticalEngine]

.....a more dispassionate perspective on The Predicament.

I probably need to flesh that last one out. I'm not saying that I'm caring less about The Predicament or am deciding to say well fuck it ima just party cuz yolo, but I am seeing how I used The Predicament as an excuse to huck myself at work/problems and more or less be a not very good human, take things very seriously, and fuel my self-destructive and ineffectualizing behavior patterns.

I've noticed this in myself too, although for me, it's come from studying history. The Predicament is still a very serious problem, but I started to see how my response to it was more about me and less about it. Ie, the manner in which I was focusing on it/responding to it wasn't realistic with how these things actually played out for all of history and more just about latching my other issues onto it.

I don't have a very good answer to it now because the more I've studied history/sociology, the more I realize any reaction I have to it is just a manifestation of Present Times and that Future Times are probably going to look vastly different from a cultural/technological perspective, such that I might as well be living in the 19th century and trying to predict not only the fact TikTok got invented but also whatever dance moves are popular.

[Divandan]

As someone that has followed your journal along closely as well as read/listened to your blog posts and podcasts I am super excited about the book. I had no idea it was so far along and ready to be published. Looking forward to buying and supporting this!

[AxelHeyst]

@divandan:

[AxelHeyst]

@AE yes! I reread JMGs The Long Descent recently and he makes a distinction between problems and predicaments. Problems have solutions. Predicaments have responses.

He gave an example of yeomen farmers in Britain, I think, on the cusp of the Industrial Revolution. The steam engine and complete disruption to society and the economy was, for them, very much not a problem. There's no solution to the Industrial Revolution, as in, there was no way those farmers could just make the Industrial Revolution go away and have things go back to the way they were.

However, there were a range of possible responses, some having better outcomes for the farmers than others.

JMG of course is a Long Descent'er, and so the story works symmetrically to contrast with what he calls the Deindustrial Revolution. There's no way to *solve* collapse, as in, there's no way to make it not happen, but there are a wide range of useful, beneficial, important, meaningful, impactful, etc responses that individuals can make both with respect to themselves, their families and communities, and to generations on down the line.

(I largely agree with his views of future history and the preceding paragraph is why I consider myself very much not a doomer, and why I consider many people trying to 'save' civilization as the real doomers, or bordeline at least.)

[sodatrain]

another +1 for keeping up the podcast! It is one of my favorites. It feels like a how to guide for me right now - super relevant information and feels like a how-to guide almost. I too have listened to some episodes multiple times. I think one episode you talked about your goal of helping others and spreading the word about how you see the world and are living in it. I hope you find a way to make it meaningful for you. We will all understand if you ditch it tho!

[GreenMonsta]

I as well have listened to every podcast and have found value in them. I appreciate the work you put into it. The topics covered and conversation taking place definitely match my interest. Hope the episodes continue to be intrinsically rewarding for you to put out. But I certainly understand if that changes.

[Henry]

uncertain about what I want

James K.A. Smith is a philosopher who believes that the most perplexing question you can ask an individual is "what do you want?"

[jacob]

James K.A. Smith is a philosopher who believes that the most perplexing question you can ask an individual is "what do you want?"

That is literally how the standard greeting in Klingon translates. No wonder they're so tense.

[AxelHeyst]

...No wonder they're so tense.

It's not often I laugh out loud at something you post but you nailed it today.

The secret to life maybe isn't to know what I want, but to be cool with not knowing it.

Relatedly? I slightly altered my summer 'plan' to get up to Bend in mid/late June in order to volunteer at the steampunk music festival for free ticket, hang with my friends there, and then have the rest of summer completely planless. Nice.

[sodatrain]

James K.A. Smith is a philosopher who believes that the most perplexing question you can ask an individual is "what do you want?"

I read something recently that said something like curiosity is the greatest virtue. It requires an admission of ignorance and a desire to improve. It was in the context of Stoicism.

[Henry]

Smith is Christian so his corollary to the question is "You are what you love." So what you want expresses your deepest love and you should know what it is because if you don't you are ultimately being driven by something else as you are always acting upon your wants. A wise man (not me) once said the vast majority of most wants are children who always come back wanting more. That's why most people can't answer the question because somewhere they understand most wants are ephemeral and possibly an expression of an addiction. Smith would argue the question is ultimately relational in nature. You either love something in creation (which includes yourself) or the creator.

[AxelHeyst]

In my latest twist, I've been doing the garbage post challenge. tl;dr, post 100 things publicly on the internet that include words in 30 days.

Stay your pitchforks a moment, hear me out.

My friend mentioned it to me in a letter (yes, a real letter with a stamp and everything, which makes this even more ironic) because we were writing to each other about imposter syndrome, perfectionism (which she identifies with strongly), doubts and fears of inadequacy related to showing up and taking up space, etc. See above for my FUD around podcasting.

Anyway I googled the GPC and listened to Simone Seol's podcast on it and went "ah, I must do this."

>>The point isn't to post actual garbage, to litter the internet with low quality dreck.<<

The point of the GPC is to
1) Get over perfectionism that stops you from putting your stuff out there
2) Decouple visibility from threat (aka to train your brain that visibility won't kill you / get you kicked out of the tribe)
3) Encourage you to build up a body of work
4) Reps reps reps
5) Spur creativity by decreasing the self-censoring, self-critic, etc that tends to keep people's reps low.

There's plenty of legit criticisms of the GPC and plenty of reasons not to do it, but it seemed like a good enough idea at the time and like the sort of thing with low consequences so I just said hell with it let's do it. Very 100 pots theory, which I've always been a fan of. I'm eight days in. Observations:

1) I already feel less precious about posting stuff.
2) It *feels* like I'm having more ideas and creativity.
3) I realize I had more classical perfectionist behavior patterns than I thought. I never identified with the perfectionist label but, um, maybe I was hilariously in denial about that.
4) I haven't died yet. Odd.
5) I'm spending more time looking at a screen and swiping, although my life isn't completely circled the drain. I'm definitely not going to do this any longer than 30 days (probably less, because I'll stop in 30 days or when I leave for my bike trip, whichever comes sooner).
6) I spend more time thinking "Oh hm I could take a picture of this and caption it and wouldn't that be cool" aka seeing my life through the lens of how I can present it and that's bad! Not how I want to live. My thoughts on this are 1) I can probably mitigate this effect with better narrowing or intentionality of the sorts of things I post, and 2) but whatever I'm going to stop soon and the damage will heal, and so far the positive effects of undermining perfectionistic tendencies are worth it.


A thought that is coming out of this is that what I produce and ship can be part of a quality cascade. I recognize that I had a very high and mostly unexamined standard for every thing I ever post anywhere, which I 100% of the time fell short of, and that made me feel bad. In doing the GPC I'm having the idea that it might be okay to have a system roughly like
1. social media posts are whatever, if I even choose to do so. I could definitely see being active on certain platforms only for specific periods of time, e.g. a month here, a season there, but mostly off.
2. Blog posts and podcast episodes are higher quality, but c'mon man it's free stuff and part of the whole purpose of blogging and podcasting is that it's a way to quickly get ideas out there in rough form. I don't think actualizing this would represent a decrease in the quality of my stuff... it would represent a decrease in how shitty I feel about it. From "Fuck that wasn't precisely right, time to work on the next piece and THIS ONE WONT SUCK SO BAD" to "Cool, good enough, time to go outside and play now."
3. Books etc are of the highest quality / time and attention spent to every aspect of it. (And even within the category of 'books' there could be a few scales of quality depending on what the content/format/etc is).

[AxelHeyst]

@mF was here at Ft. Dirtbag for three nights. I feel like I just had an intensive masterclass on mountain-centric WL7 life. I really got the sense that he's been consistently compounding the benefits of running focused, calm, organized, and energetic Renaissance Ideal game for years. Incredibly inspiring to observe, and it feels like just the right time in my life to be exposed to this kind of more mature example.

I told him that I feel like a grasshopper* with a crowbar. His example of consistency over time, paying a lot of attention to process, and nailing the fundamentals resonated strongly. I've already added, removed, and modified parts of my 'system' and how I think about operating my life based on his example.

This past week also adds conviction to the idea that it is a valuable thing for ERE folk to meet up in person from time to time, for those temperamentally suited to it. It *feels like* not only did I lay some foundations for a relationship with mF of the sort that would not have been possible online, but I got a sense for the guy that I couldn't get online.

Hopefully some of that comes through in the podcast we recorded. That should be out in a few days.

*as in neophyte

[mountainFrugal]

It was really fun to hang out with @AH at Ft. Dirtbag. . The desert is so fun to explore because the plants are spaced apart enough that overlanding in basically any direction is possible and it is harder to get lost because features are almost always visible. The color in the desert changes dramatically during the day. There are blooming tiny flowers everywhere that add subtle color shifts to the base desert color. It is going to be really interesting visiting in the fall when things have dried out significantly over the summer.

Ft. Dirtbag watercolor and ink: