3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

[Dave]

Fair enough, to each their own. Having done both approaches, I noticed my body did better with taper approach in not having headaches and not having as bad low energy issues. I was also thinking it may help reduce the possibility of the depression issues some experience. But it sounds like you know what works best for you.

I definitely wish I could do it well in moderation, I feel you. Dosed properly, it really helps me read more quickly, think more clearly, etc. But even small doses mess with my sleep, and I find proper sleep (not just quantity) is very important for my mental health.

Good luck!

[ertyu]

I definitely wish I could do it well in moderation, I feel you. Dosed properly, it really helps me read more quickly, think more clearly, etc. But even small doses mess with my sleep, and I find proper sleep (not just quantity) is very important for my mental health.

Isn't this the truth. You're completely right--and i bet the older i get, the more right you'll get, as sleep quality deteriorates with age (and weight - i snore) even without any chemical "aides". And you're definitely right that tapering reduces the strength of withdrawal symptoms. I don't know if I'm right, but it seems to me that it takes a stronger will to taper. With cold turkey, you put in your time but then the cravings lessen. With tapering, you only drag on the period when YOU WANT COFFEE but you can only have this here wee little bit and you have to spend the rest of the day telling yourself no It almost seems to me, the weaker-willed one is, the better cold turkey works as an approach. Moderation has always been harder for me than having a hard and fast rule that i'm just not doing the thing.

[ertyu]

It's now been more than 6 months since I stopped working. Before I quit, I was worried that I would not be able to control my spending because I would not be able to control my bad habits: sugar, caffeine, take-out. Not crack cocaine, but the spending does add up. It's the start of the month, which makes it a good time to admit to myself that whereas I do abuse sugar, caffeine, and highly palatable foods in order to self-medicate the suck of a job when I have one, all these things are bad habits of mine and are out of control in and of themselves, independent of my living situation or my employment status. My spending over the last month testifies that while I did intend to not spend on empty calories and things that are likely to land me at the doctor's office with a lifestyle disease, approximately half of my monthly spending still went on bullshit spending. It's not that I can't eat better; I *want* to eat highly palatable foods and consume my weight in caffeine because doing so is pleasurable, and because denying myself feels miserable. Every day, it seems to be "just this once" and "I'm starting tomorrow." Good to face this truth. The real work is inside. Not having a job and not living in a hostile environment just means that I don't need to learn how to handle external pressure without my bad habits on top of overcoming my bad habits themselves.

[Alphaville]

yo, how is the apartment coming along? are the upgrades on cruise control yet?

[ertyu]

Two things I've got to say to myself:

1.

The only way out is through.

- Churchill.

2.

The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.

-Marcus Aurelius.

@Alphaville, the landlord shelled out 180 euro and replaced the door. This indicates a "use the rent this guy's paying us to fix up the place and then raise rent" strategy, so I'll see how long I can ride the coattails of that.

[Alphaville]

he probably sees a good tenant taking care of his property and is willing to reinvest. good work there!

[ertyu]

So far, have done well with spending on things.

Things I bought since moving in:

- Brita pitcher and filters, 33 euro
- a good pair of scissors
- grains to stock up pantry, coooking oil, salt and basic spices
- a cooking pot and a hotplate
- from second hand store: clothes, curtains for windows, a piece of stretch fabric and a curtain both to serve as bedsheets, 2 pillow cases
- toothbrush, toothpaste, soap bar, shampoo.
- a comforter (new, 9 euro, on sale). winter is coming. I hope that + blanket I took from parents' place would be warm enough.
-thread and needles.

Things I found and directly use:

- a bucket
- a small black folding umbrella that seems to have fallen out of someone's bag into the mud. Unsure over ethics of this - might have been unethical to take given original owner could have returned. But I cleaned it off and have a small umbrella now, which I am happy with.

Things I found that have served as raw materials for completed DIY projects:

- couch cushion stuffing wool. I was lazy when stuffing this into one of my pillowcases the first time so it got clumpy very quickly. Took it out, spent a lot of time picking the clumps apart properly while listening to podcasts (this took way way longer than expected), restuffed pillow. Now v firm and excellent to lean against with laptop in bed.
- a small down pillow. Washed today. Down currently spread out on the floor drying, fabric case drying separately. Will re-stuff. This was a serendipity find: I was thinking yesterday that the pillow I had was nice to lean against to read but too firm and high to sleep on, and voilla: new find.

Things I found I still haven't made into anything:

- gutted mattress foam (to become seat padding in kitchen)
- children's t-shirts and school uniform hoodie: to become floor cleaning rug, water bottle sleeve (ripped apart old torn one to serve as pattern, will make new one from jersey fabric. Maybe) and laptop sleeve (old plastic shell protective casing broke). There is a high chance that these projects end up looking extremely ugly, but I hope with the aid of youtube instructional videos, they will at least be serviceable. I am happy with the zipper on the hoodie and with the thick fabric that would hopefully protect laptop well. t-shirt jersey lining? v out of my depth here, but raw material was for free so the worst that can happen is i end up with more cleaning rugs.
- children's jeans - cut a piece of sturdy denim from legs and line backpack bottom on inside. Should literally involve attaching a rectangular piece of denim to existing seams on inside. May be a good place to start practicing basic sewing.

Apartment repairs:
- on hold: painting windows and walls. No reason other than seems labor-intensive and mood has been low. Yes, yes, I know this is precisely the reason to do it but. upholstering (or something?) the kitchen benches, separate from making seat cushioning.
- planned: buy and apply stick-on surface covering to kitchen table top, the top of one small cupboard, and the top of the fridge so condensation stops seeping into the wtf that is the particle board which serves as fridge "top wall."
-landlord did: bathroom door replacement.
-landlord said he would do: take care of exposed brick left over after old door was removed. Not suitable for an "industral" look sadly, . Doesn't have that cool brick look at all.
- fixed: one mosquito net. The other one tore shortly after .

On the whole, I am feeling good about trash finds and second hand store purchases. I am also feeling good about the things I bought outright. Brita pitcher makes water taste much better and would increase my resilience during covid times. No alcohol since the beginning of september.

Feeling not so good: apartment repairs. Yeah, yeah, I am aware I am a limp noodle. For the last 2 weeks, have taken shower-showers and not bucket showers because I am a wimp. Bucket showers to be reinstated, but shower-showers feel good.

Completely out of control: food and spending on highly palatable things. Diet is complete crap, and I am over budget for the month already because I have not been able to resist craving various unhealthy fattening sweets and junk food. I am amazed at how much money I have sunk into highly palatable crap. I have taken up the entire repairs budget. If I had eaten healthily and made my own meals, I would have been able to afford belongings to make life more comfortable, such as proper bedding or a mattress topper. I have definitely blown more money on various kinds of junk food, sweets, and processed food than I have saved through accepting lower rent and working on meeting needs via DIY as opposed to money outlay. If I call some of what happened bingeing, I would probably not be off the mark. There definitely appears to be a psychological component to this as I experience myself as completely unable to control my behavior in this area of my life.

Overall, the areas of failure seem to involve immediate gratification and hedonistic pleasure: sit under shower because it feels good, [s]buy slice of brie and eat at one sitting[/s], overdo caffeine "because I feel like drinking some" etcetera. I am so, so lucky that alcohol happens not to be my drug.

[Alphaville]

hey, congrats, you’re doing great, lots of progress,

-landlord said he would do: take care of exposed brick left over after old door was removed. Not suitable for an "industral" look sadly, . Doesn't have that cool brick look at all.

anyway looks good on the home front, but i have to ask:

For the last 2 weeks, have taken shower-showers and not bucket showers because I am a wimp. Bucket showers to be reinstated, but shower-showers feel good.

wtf. why? don’t you get something like unlimited geothermal hot water for a fixed price or something? why not shower? what’s the problem?

anyway, further i see...

[s]buy slice of brie and eat at one sitting[/s],

OH I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS. I WANT A WHEEL OF BRIE.

i think i see with your eating issues that you might be compensating for low serotonin states (“depression”) with dopamine rushes (“addictions”).

also caseine some people say turns into opiates, i am not sure if this is true science or utter bullshit hippy talk, i know it was popularized by supersize me but i am skeptical.

in any case you’re making yourself feel good with food, which suggests you’re not feeling well enough as your baseline. (but food should feel good!)

rather than flog yourself for your symptoms, which is depressing and pointless — could you attend to the root causes? i.e. work on how to feel better overall, so that you don’t feel such compulsions? from experience, it’s much easier to deactivate than to repress such urges.

[ertyu]

wtf. why? don’t you get something like unlimited geothermal hot water for a fixed price or something? why not shower? what’s the problem?

hot water comes via pipes from the local coal powerplant. and while the hot water will run for as long as you stand under the shower, it's actually metered

and yeah, the depression thing is a thing. i am supposed to be fixing it right now.

thanks for following along and commenting, the occasional pep talk has given strength

[Alphaville]

oooh the watered is metered. but the heat is not. ok. is it very pricey? or are you trying to conserve potable water? (i live in a desert).

for me, a hot shower is one of the greatest glories of civilization, and well worth the price. it improves mood, relaxes tight muscles, washes off the bad vibes of the previous hours, and leaves one smelling great. i can’t sleep right at night without taking a hot shower first (in the morning i prefer a cool-to-cold shower because it wakes me up.)

seriously, other therapeutic options are thermal pools, turkish bath, saunas, etc—all pricier and more energy intensive and requiring travel/transportation. and bathtubs are more wasteful in my experience.

having lived for a time without running water, i’m supergrateful for hot showers and have no desire to quit them. can i live without them? sure, if i have to, i can adapt. do i want to? fuck no...

anyway re: depression cure, what’s the plan? will you diy it or seek professional assistance?

and ps you’re welcome, anytime. your journal is a good one and i can relate.

[CDR]

I've read the last few pages of your journal before joining, and I'm rooting for you. I realize you have mixed feelings about it, but congrats on being FIRE? and moving out.

- on hold: painting windows and walls. No reason other than seems labor-intensive and mood has been low.

Not sure what kind of experience you have with painting, but given the general description of everything else in the apartment, it would probably be a good idea to wipe the walls down before painting (maybe you've already done this!). It will definitely help when you get to painting it.

I've used a cloth and TSP in the past, but on the internet, I've seen sponges and off-brand Dawn used.

While painting seems like a challenge, you could always start with a closet and see how it goes. If your place isn't like a bachelor's apartment, you could prep and paint a room every month or something like this.

...I am amazed at how much money I have sunk into highly palatable crap...

Given your struggle with highly processed foods, and your previous stint of eating mostly at work, it hasn't been clear to me if you know how to cook? Is there any way you could redirect your focus to learning how to cook highly palatable foods? I know you mention highly palatable crap, sugar etc, but I'm not exactly sure what you're eating.

This might be unhelpful to suggest, but if you're eating a lot of chocolate chip cookies or brownies or other sugary baked goods outside the house, would you be able to remove one unhelpful feeling ("I'm wasting so much money") by learning to make them yourself? Maybe this sounds crazy pants, but if you really believe you're going to eat these things for the rest of your life, you could save yourself some money and emotional anguish by cooking them yourself.

I thought this talk from Brene Brown, when she gets to talking about shame vs guilt, might add value to your life. I broke down into tears the first time I heard this talk in full, it was something I needed to hear. Maybe you don't, or maybe you do! https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_l ... n#t-361724

[ertyu]

Update: hand forced by fate. Wallet with touch-to-pay debit card, id, etc. stolen from backpack. Cannot access bank acct until new id is issued in 4-5 days (card canceled + bank advised to block acct as id was also missing). Had rent money set aside and not touching that just in case bc rent is due on the 15th (should be able to get into acct mon or tue next week but i'm not risking it).

tl;dr: let's see my globglogabgalab ass diy pillows from shit people have thrown out only to turn around and spend two pillows' worth of money on take-home cake from the fancy cake shop (3 different slices, they were divine).

serious tl;dr: situation is inconvenient but survivable. lentil, rice and bean stash to the rescue.

[classical_Liberal]

serious tl;dr: situation is inconvenient but survivable.

I lost my wallet and all access to my funds while traveling once. It's actually one of the first stories in my journal. The whole situation was an eye-opener wrt how to get by without money, and how little value financial assets actually provide in a crunch.

I have definitely blown more money on various kinds of junk food, sweets, and processed food than I have saved through accepting lower rent and working on meeting needs via DIY as opposed to money outlay.

I'm not saying that eating like shit is good for you, but I think that spending money on life's pleasures is what money is actually for, when done in moderation. The idea that you saved so much money on DIY/housing and spent it on pleasures instead is a good thing, IMO. Because the DIY and housing solution skills mean more than just the money they save. It's taken me a great while to understand that learning a skill that only saves you money at a rate of $.50/hr has more value than the .50 saved. Put another way, is it bad to save $5 with a DIY project that takes all day which you enjoy, so that you can spend the $5 on a piece of cake you'll also enjoy?

for me, a hot shower is one of the greatest glories of civilization, and well worth the price.

+1 This is the second thing we've agreed on within 48 hours!

[Alphaville]

+1 This is the second thing we've agreed on within 48 hours!

hahaha, we must be doing something wrong

but seriously, let’s not worry about agreements—let’s instead have productive disagreements without personal quarrel ftw.

but hell yeah, showers!

tl;dr: let's see my globglogabgalab ass diy pillows from shit people have thrown out only to turn around and spend two pillows' worth of money on take-home cake from the fancy cake shop (3 different slices, they were divine).

hahaaahaa, you monster!

serious question though: why not learn to bake instead of sewing? unless you fish with a net, baking skills have much better roi in my universe.

also, glad to know you’re safe, but... backpack? why?? money and id always tight to the body....

[ertyu]

backpack? why?? money and id always tight to the body....

correct. in the outernmost small pocket, too, the one that's only secured by a zipper. the way they lifted it was quite ingenious actually. i was drinking water at the water fountain and suddenly this old fat guy approaches and stands way too close given the need for social distancing. then he starts hacking and coughing (cough was for real). so, i tried to leave as fast as possible and put distance between me and him -- all the time thinking, wtf why would you come into another person's space just to hack-cough on them, what sort of degenerate shitstain does this?

the answer seems to be, the sort of degenerate shitstain who serves as distraction and attracts your attention with his inappropriate behavior while his buddies are pickpocketing you from behind. On a level, I'd almost have to marvel at how brilliant it is: you would be trying to distance yourself and your thoughts would be occupied by, "ew wtf dude." It could be a while + you could be quite far before you realize your wallet is missing. Also, I would have probably confronted someone whose age I wasn't conditioned to respect for standing too close during a pandemic. So, in addition to being a dumbass for keeping my wallet in basically the only place you shouldn't keep it, I got played quite masterfully.

[Alphaville]

i carry phone, keys and wallet in the front pocket of my pants. very hard to touch me there without me noticing, and due to pocket geometry also hard to extract even if bumping into me (unlike the inner pocket of a jacket).

oh, and for a fun diversion, check out robert bresson’s “pickpocket” which i seem to recall was banned for displaying real pickpocketing techniques (bresson consulted with actual thieves).

ps concealed passport sleeves are good too

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Too bad about the wallet, bro! +1 learning to bake. One of my guilty pleasures is The Great British Bake Off... maybe you've heard of it. Personal challenge for you: make us some cookies and post a pic, no matter how horrid they turn out. In fact, especially if they turn out horrid. *slaps on back* You got this!

[Cheepnis]

Ain't no reason to feel guilty about GBBO. That's some of the most wholesome shit I've ever seen. Lightning in a bottle. My GF got me one of the GBBO cookbooks for xmas last year. Bad news cuz I started consuming way too much pie and other treats.

And that sucks about the wallet, ertyu. Nobody needs that extra stress.

[ertyu]

- Eating a calorie restricted diet
- Cooking everything myself and never eating out or eating pre-made (or processed!) food
- Utilizing mostly domestic vegetables, fruits and other produce (fish, berries etc.) that are in season (and thus very cheap)
- Picking berries and apples myself and freezing them
- Making my own mustard, sauces etc.
- Buying bulk quantities straight from local organic farms (peas, fava-beans, non-processed oats and barley etc.) or organic stores (spices etc.)
- Swapping some expensive organic produce (e.g. nuts and seeds) to non-organic (but still high quality)
- Increasing the amount of complex carbohydrates and decreasing the amount of protein
- Eating very rarely meat or other expensive produce

So, I eat mostly vegetables (including root vegetables), legumes, grains, sourdough rye bread, fruits, berries, olive oil, avocados, nuts and seeds, egg-whites etc. I eat fish (vendace [6-10 e/kg]) 2-3 times a week and red meat once every two weeks. I eat pretty much the same foods every day and cook the same dishes, so the "eating process" is very efficient.

The reason why I can tolerate so much complex carbs is that I fast 18-20 hours a day and work-out and move about 2-4 hours a day. So, my glycogen storages are pretty much depleted when I eat, so the glucose in the blood stream gets quickly absorbed in the muscles, liver etc. Moreover, I eat almost all carbs cold (potatoes, legumes etc.), which really decreases the glycemic load of them and provides some additional health benefits (insoluble fiber etc.). Most people, who don't use these "hacks", really can't tolerate this amount of carbs without getting fat and sick. Interestingly, my body-fat is about 6-8% when I'm on this diet, so everything seems to be working fine...

shamelessly dragging this here for further reference.

[PoorButWealthy]

@Ertyu: In my journal, I expanded a bit the post you quoted above, maybe you want to check it out.