3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

[not sure]

the kettlebell

[ertyu]

Draw a face on it and pretend it becomes super-happy any time you pick it up.

ok but where's the weak side of this idea, there's no weak side to this idea; the kettlebell already has some writing on, but smiley face stickers? we're totally doing smiley face stickers

[ertyu]

look it's mr happy

[ertyu]

Short update:

- phone bill has been reduced by 10 dollars, now paying 14 dollars for 30G data and idk how many minutes, I don't really talk so I didn't pay attention.
- Mr happy & I are communing occasionally. Need to figure out proper form on swings, knees have been aching a bit.
- Week 1 of job complete, no major train smashes. Schedule is nice, I love having 2 days off in the middle of the week
- Tattoo appointment tomorrow, getting an old school dagger
- Got leather barefoot shoes for 25 dollars online, happy both w shoes and w deal
- Weight's been dropping. Can't tell you how much bc have not been measuring. I'm still visibly overweight but clothes fit different.

Longer-ish:

It's time to fully quit drinking. So far, there's been multi-month periods of time of no drinking, but I still thought of myself as a social drinker whose use wasn't problematic because overall it wasn't that much. A work event with colleagues where I managed to give myself alcohol poisoning is changing that. Reminds me of drinking too much around classmates in home town a couple of years ago, acting like an idiot, and then being ashamed of myself. Right now, I observe in myself one, the desire to belong and be accepted by my new colleagues (who have drinking as one of the things they do together, esp. my boss who is a big drinker and can be pushy) and two, a weird sort of denial, like if I behave like a twenty year old idiot I'll somehow not be about to turn 42 in a couple of months. Neither of these is good reason to be giving myself alcohol poisoning that takes me two days to get over. Regardless of how infrequently it happens, I need to be square with myself and accept that I can't have 1-2 drinks and stop. Drinking needs to go.

The positive here is that this will not be hard to do except socially. I don't feel an inherent desire for alcohol, and I can take it or leave it. I also don't particularly enjoy drinking that much. The hard part is that I'll need to be explaining to everyone why the guy that was drinking with them before isn't drinking with them now. Idk why this is hard exactly - maybe the kegan 3 group belonging bullshit. I did get added to some hiking group; I'm not sure how often people go hiking/walking together but im looking forward to doing that. Too bad I had to get miserably wasted for this to happen.

[Smashter]

Good luck on the no drinking journey! I stopped for similar reasons about 4 years ago. The first few months are the hardest. It really helped when I made a shift from “I just won’t drink tonight, who knows what might happen in the future” to “I don’t drink anymore. This is my new identity.” It took away the constant need to make so many decisions.

It’s interesting, I’ve noticed a distinct shift recently where my friends are more likely to want to excitedly tell me how they are stopping or reducing their alcohol consumption as opposed to asking me to party with them. I think the sober curious movement is growing.

[Scott 2]

In the last few years, there's been a trend of craft non-alcoholic beer. It's worth trying, even if you are a drinker. Around here, athletic brewing is the easiest to get. Bravus makes a blood orange ipa that is good too. My local brewery has 4 or 5 options available.

[delay]

Regardless of how infrequently it happens, I need to be square with myself and accept that I can't have 1-2 drinks and stop. Drinking needs to go.

Thanks for sharing your journal! The remark about not being able to stop is interesting to me. I find that after 4-5 drinks the appeal lowers and the cost increases. The 4th beer suppresses less worry, social barriers or anxiety. My belly registers discontent, my mind thinks less clearly, and my bladder says its filled. Yet I've heard from many people that they are unable to stop, that "alcohol is stronger than they are". So that in effect, they must still feel a lure, or not notice the cost.

What makes you not want to stop?

[ertyu]

What makes you not want to stop?

To start with, I think that given how some people are alcoholics who drink to the death and others can have 2 drinks once a week and enjoy life, we can't talk about alcohol in general, every person has to be square and honest about how it impacts them personally. Wishful thinking doesn't do it, either, I can't wish myself into the 2 drinks a night group just because it's true for other people and I want it to be true for me.

For me personally, alcohol 1.lowers my inhibitions and 2. I don't have a definite point of feeling "alright this is too much." At every point, I feel like I'm basically fine. You say you notice when you start noticing discomfort in your belly and when you don't think clearly anymore. I don't notice it. I've been drinking, so obviously objectively I am thinking less clearly, but I don't notice that I am. During the night when I poisoned myself, at any point I'd have told you, "I'm fine." The desire to drink isn't strong as in craving-strong, but the inhibition isn't there. So it's not that I want to drink that much, it's literally more of a, "oh well, I feel like it, let's have another one" and nothing kicks in to stop this. So it's both still feel the lure and not notice the cost.

I don't think this is a personal failure. It's not about my character as a human being, it's about the particular impact the substance has on me. If I set my goal as, say, to stop after two drinks, when the time to stop comes, I think, "well, I'm basically fine, another one won't be a big deal" and I don't stop. So for me personally, it makes much more rational sense to accept that I don't stop and set the goal at zero, especially given that I don't seek out alcohol on my own accord - I don't drink for pleasure (eg won't have a drink after work alone on the couch because I enjoy it), I drink because I want a sense of belonging and because I feel nostalgic for when I was 20 and I used to be able to do dumb shit. In other words, I'm 40 now, and I feel uncool. None of these are smart reasons to drink. I am much better off trying to 1. find healthier, saner, and more rational ways to belong if I want it that bad, and 2. resolve the "coolness" issue by changing my life in the present rather than trying to somehow return to the past.

I went and got a tattoo today, way better way to have a midlife crisis

[Western Red Cedar]

Good luck on the alcohol-free lifestyle and thanks for sharing your experience. I've experimented with cutting alcohol out over the past year a few times and it usually only has positive outcomes. The more I reflect on it, the more I see it as it as conflicting with most of my other goals.

The social outings and tacit peer pressure have also been hard for me to navigate. Not so much a single night out, an afternoon barbecue or a happy hour with coworkers; but multi-day vacations or camping trips with old friends.

For the single night out, I simply get a soda water with lime (typically free in the US) and nobody knows the difference or cares. If a coworker or friend asks why I'm not drinking, I'll just mention that I'm taking a break or a month off and people are usually quite supportive. Sometimes I might say that I'm on a diet or focusing on my health. If a month passes, I've just said that I feel really good without alcohol - better sleep, better focus, lost weight, etc...

Ultimately, it might mean foregoing certain relationships.

I'll second what Smashter said about removing the need to make the decision in the first place. If I tell myself I won't drink for the next six weeks, then it removes a lot of pressure for a particular night or outing.

[urgud]

I think I'm in a similar spot to ertyu - I can't have just two drinks, and I'll happily admit that it's because I love being very intoxicated. Still, a life event back in spring this year provided a useful impetus to experiment with some lifestyle changes, so I'm currently on a 5-month streak of zero alcohol, something I don't think I've done before. I mostly like it and think I'll stick to it. I still get the urge to seek hedonistic release, but it is honestly not super intense, and it is useful for staying focused on other tasks (kicking nicotine, exercising, sleeping better).

[ertyu]

I held back speaking on the identity thing because I think it goes a bit deeper. I do agree that eliminating the decision makes life simpler and easier and reduces cognitive load: I don't drink, so the amount I will drink is zero, move on. This is a reason why I often tend to prefer abstinence over "moderation." Moderation is nice and all but it involves engaging with the substance or behavior over and over again, and for me personally, I find myself experiencing urges to increase use again. This is especially true for substances or behaviors where there is no "healthy" amount to consume: refined sugar, smoking, drinking. Those who partake in pot and such can speak to that, but I won't be surprised to discover a tendency to escalating use there, too.

The identity bit is a bit bigger, though. There is a story one tells oneself about alcohol (or whatever other substance) in one's life. My story goes roughly so: as a teen, I drank with my metalhead pals and felt very cool and transgressive; as a young adult, I drank and I hung out with others who drank and I felt like I "had a life." I observe my peers - e.g. old classmates at home - still organizing socialization around drinking, and drinking is present in all non-drinking activities they organize. So when I first read @Salathor mention identity, this is where my thoughts went. Even if nowadays I don't drink often, drinking is still big in my personal mythology; this relates to how in many ways I see myself as having "peaked in high school." Seems like I have work to do around that. Need to find another story to tell myself that is equally compelling.

[delay]

So it's both still feel the lure and not notice the cost.

Thanks for the reply, interesting. Now that you say it I have that problem with cookies. Once I start I keep eating until there are none left. It's way easier to refuse the first cookie than to stop after two. So I'm using the same solution for cookies that you have for alcohol.

Perhaps this has to do with what one experiences as limiting. I have a hard time reading non-verbal cues or social pressure, so it's not very liberating when alcohol frees me from it. On the cookie side, I'm always limited in thinking energy, so cookies have a big lure for me.

[Henry]

Now that you say it I have that problem with cookies. Once I start I keep eating until there are none left. It's way easier to refuse the first cookie than to stop after two.

Being that cookies are considered a gateway snack, it's a good to get control of this now. Eventually you could end up in the street, selling yourself for ice cream sandwiches.

[ertyu]

Sigh dude jokes like someone who's never been into refined sugar -- it's exactly how it ends, except the selling yourself is to an employer, for much longer than necessary, you have cravings all the time, you get fat, and your general wellbeing goes down the drain. Sugar - just say no

[ertyu]

Was doing a fishbone diagram for coffee and it occurred to me, a bunch of the NEGs aren't direct costs, like expenses, sleep quality, and so forth. They're opportunity costs: what quality of wellbeing am i forgoing if i continue to use? Like with weight and fitness, one doesn't know until one gets there. What would the overall experience of living a caffeine-free life be like? Not in terms of costs and benefits, but in terms of what actually matters: the state one'd mostly find oneself in. Experientially, what would the state of being caffeine-free be like? I have no other word for this but "quality of wellbeing." Given how long it takes brains to actually adapt, one probably doesn't access this new quality of wellbeing until a year or two* into "sobriety" (absence of withdrawals doesn't get you there in and of itself). A blind spot for our brains, and thus for the process of fishboning.

* speaking in general terms; ymmv across brain wiring/length of use/nature of substance

[fingeek]

Being caffeine-free for a number of years, after about 6-12 months, I forgot about that "needing coffee to function" effect, and realised it made my day flow more evenly. No more massive crashes, and my overall energy levels feel better!

I do enjoy making (decaffe) coffee in my moka pot - The taste is still good, and it tends to slow me down in a positive way rather than caffeinated exacerbating the rush/doing mode that I tend to default to

[ertyu]

Thanks for reporting from the other side, fingeek!

[Henry]

Sigh dude jokes like someone who's never been into refined sugar -- it's exactly how it ends, except the selling yourself is to an employer, for much longer than necessary, you have cravings all the time, you get fat, and your general wellbeing goes down the drain. Sugar - just say no

I'm sorry for joking. I didn't realize how serious it is for some people.

Maybe treat yourself to a couple of weeks on a cruise ship to make yourself feel better.

[ertyu]

lol snorted

this is getting off-topic, but joke aside, i think it -is- that serious. Sugar doesn't incapacitate you immediately and it's one of the surest ways to increase processed food consumption and palatability -- plus kids like it, don't you want kids to have joy and fun?? -- but people fry their nervous systems and have their legs go necrotic over a lifetime of use which you somehow never give up because surely any one muffin isn't so bad cmon man it's a muffin, "i'm starting tomorrow." "Comfort foods" are some of the most incidious self-medication there is out there. Some people find sugar relatively easy to take or leave (just like some people find any other substance easy to take or leave, eg i have a buddy who doesn't care about sweets but is still fat because he loves his fat and salt and it's that he has trouble giving up, the fish and chips type of thing, whereas I find these foods a non-issue). Something might not be considered a big issue in the grand scheme of things, but if it's an issue for -you- and -you- fail to take it seriously, you'll stay trapped: you'll be handing over 5 dollars a day for sweets and baked goods to deal with how tired you are after work, you'll stay low and crummy and won't have energy to ever do anything to get out of that work, and it'll suck all the time you're doing it. And 35 years later, your brain's gone soft and you need your feet cut off. Basically, if it wasn't that serious, diabetes wouldn't be this common of a lifestyle disease.

[Henry]

you need your feet cut off.

My idiot Uncle who had more mini-strokes than a treeload of Keebler elves engaged in a circle jerk, had to make a foot cut off or die decision. He chose to die with both feet. Being that he lived his entire life with one constantly stuck in his fucking mouth, in retrospect, I understand his choice.

And I do understand the addictive nature. We had to supply a crew of painters with snack food for two weeks and we ended up binging half of it. I just avoid the aisle in the food store.