guitarplayer wrote: ↑Thu Oct 05, 2023 12:53 am
I do wonder however how the teaching's going
Had to give it some time to answer. Here are the highlights so far:
I work 2.5 days a week, so disregarding times of the year when grading is intense (I am solely responsible for all grading in all my classes), this is essentially a part-time job. Some observations related to that:
- the alteration between work days and nonwork days still sets the rhythm of my life even though I have 3 working days (M, Tue, F) to 4 non-working pays per week
- On non-working days, I still fall into "leisure" -- or "recreation"** -- partly by habit and partly because 2 weekends a week are nice but they're still a weird chunk of time to really sink into the mindset of an activity or pursuit. I still feel "interrupted" even though I am not exhausted on a daily basis as I used to be.
** where by leisure/recreation I mean the way of spending free time of which 1. nothing is demanded, as it is not the "important" part of life, namely your job/labor: so time-wasting activities are often the norm, 2. which exists for the sole purpose to recuperate and prepare for once again working - to re-create labor power, and 3. being spaced out if often the norm vs. purposeful agentic activity. One-time activities that lack overarching context and don't fit a larger life purpose, such as a nature walk/hike (recreational, in the sense of restorative of labor power while limited in time, no mental demands in terms of overall life direction or design or agency) predominate. Projects aren't directed towards a life design because life has been designed by one's commitments to corporate.
- That said, I am noticing these things more. I have started asking myself questions I was too exhausted to ask in the past. I'm having, "oh, yeah, -that- is something i used to be excited about that i never actually did anything to pursue, wasn't it?" types of thoughts more often. I'm noticing the many ways in which I'm assuming my own incompetence and I'm telling myself X activity can't possibly be for me because I'd certainly be bad at it. And so forth. So, the process of psychological manure excavation many report upon quitting is churning along, albeit in a muted manner.
- Slowly, I am taking steps to improve my life, but as of now these steps are small and isolated either in time or from each other, rather than being part of a well designed system.
- My psychological wellbeing is still influenced by how I do on the job. A dumb mistake leaves me feeling bad about myself, whereas on a day where I felt I did my job well I feel masterful, confident, and deserving of respect
- Profin' is fine, but I am very much a narrative-oriented, big picture INFP teaching a bunch of detail-oriented wanna-be accountants. My brain sees as irrelevant and struggles to retain the fine details that give my students a sense of mastery and being challenged. I need to learn what I'm teaching the day before the students and I often don't find it very engaging. I'm doing my best. I will probably feel better and more confident next year when I'd have taught each of my courses once.
- I don't feel particularly bright, chipper, focused, or energetic. Possibly a health/eating/exercise/supplementation thing. Or I'm just old and getting stupid. i wish I had more mental bandwidth for learning things that aren't what i'm meant to be teaching.
- might be heading breakupwards w IT. IT has been moving us away from what i'd hope to have, which id define as an intimate friendship, and more towards surface talk, parallel play, and asynchronous/interrupted communication vs. actual conversations which are given a chance to deepen and which contain meaningful authentic self-disclosure, intimacy-building, and mutual growth. It's IT's right, but it doesn't meet my emotional needs. Whatever occasioned the move was not really brought up or discussed either, this is a unilateral decision on IT's part. In an attempt to give space for a discussion of what occasioned it, I did ask what are some things IT isn't getting that they wished they were, and got a dismissive non-answer (uh let me think about it uh can't think of anything really)**. Either this is deliberate, in which case it might be time for me to take the hint and pack my virtual things, or i'm dissatisfied with the degree of openness and authenticity of the communication IT is willing to engage in - and it's been two years, by now I feel if they'd have opened up, they'd have opened up. Undecided. Might bring it up one final time, though knowing IT's style I'd get "uh what? distancing? who me, no such thing" and then we'd be back to the distancing -- in other words, even if it was deliberate and the desired end result was me distancing, IT wouldn't say while still proceeding with drip-drip-drip reducing any meaningful conversations that might occur. So I might have to pack it up regardless. Being on the receiving side of that is rough when one likes a person.
** I can tell you for sure it's not me not giving back enough of what I'm asking for; I am your resident navel-gazer and I will attentively listen to you until you turn blue in the face talking.
Edit: I mostly wrote the part about IT to mope and lick my own asshole; now that I've slept on it, it seems to me IT and I will sort ourselves out one way or the other. I'm more interested in discussing the job/personal development part of this. Thanks!